October Mum

This programme contains some strong language.

-KELLY WHISPERS:

-Cathy?

Cathy?

Cathy?

WHISPERS: Morning, Kelly.

Morning. You all right?

Yeah. Why are you sitting here in the dark?

I was just having a little think and a cry.

OK. Do you want some coffee?

No, I'd better not.

-I've already had seven.

-Right.

GENTLE SNORING

-He keeps doing little farts.

-KELLY CHUCKLES

He's going to be late for work.

Do you want to talk about anything?

Oh, no. I'm fine, actually.

Thanks, Cathy.

Thanks for asking.

I talked it all through with the foxes.

Sorry, Kelly, I'm finding it hard to work out what that means.

Well, I was crying and I didn't want anyone to hear, so I went out into the garden

and there was this fox there with his babies

and I sort of used the opportunity to pretend

I was having a conversation with them.

OK.

Did they have any advice?

Well, no, not really.

They're foxes.

Hm.

It was quite wet out.

I think I might've got a bit of mud on the carpet.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'm sure it will be OK.

Sorry. It's a little bit messy, isn't it?

Kelly, love, is this about Jason's interview this morning?

Of course not! No. Oh, God, no.

No, I really want him to get the job, don't I? Yeah.

That's an amazing opportunity for him to live and work in Australia.

Yeah.

Hm. I'll be in the kitchen.

Oh. Thanks, Cathy, but I'm fine.

-I'm amazing. It's all good.

-Good.

And he'll go to Australia without me

and I'll die alone and I'll never have sex again

and I'll be old and horny and get a hunchback and...

-This one?

-Cutlery drawer.

-It's all cutlery, isn't it? So it all goes in the cutlery drawer.

-Oh!

-Where was I?

-Hunchback.

Oh, yeah. So I'll be old and horny and get a hunchback

and people will see pictures of me when I was young and go,

"Oh, my God, she wasn't bad then and now look at her!

"She's got a massive hunchback!" Imagine me with a hunchback!

I don't think you need to worry. You're not going to get a hunchback.

I bet that's what all the hunchbacks said and now look at them!

-Cutlery drawer.

-Oh, yeah.

God, I didn't realise I'd finished that.

One of the, er...foxes got in.

Or I sort of, um...fed him.

Hm.

I know it's upsetting, love, because I'm upset, too,

but Jason hasn't even got the job yet, let alone moved there.

Mm. You sound like the daddy fox.

-Do I?

-Yeah.

But just, like, in my head because, well, he's a fox, isn't he?

He can't talk.

Can he?

-No.

-No.

CATHY CHUCKLES

Oh! I put these into alphabetical order for you.

-Oh, thanks.

-Yeah. Also...

This one is all of your instruction manuals

and those are all your bank statements in chronological order.

Thanks.

Electricity's expensive, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, so...in my head,

the daddy fox was leaping all over the conservatory going,

"Don't worry about it! Be cool.

"We don't even know if he's going to Australia. Chill out!

"He's not having an affair.

"Just because he liked something a girl put on Facebook doesn't mean he's shagging her."

-Do you want to talk about that, as well?

-No, I'm good.

OK.

Cathy?

Why is he even Facebook friends with her?!

I said to him, "Why would you like something on Facebook

"that's been put there by a woman unless you wanted to shag her, you sexist pig?"

How did he take that?

Well, no, I didn't actually say it to him, did I, Cathy?

I'm a massive coward. But I could have.

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone

# You're going to miss me by my hair

# You're going to miss me everywhere

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone

# I've got my ticket for the long way around

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains it's got rivers

# It's got woods that will give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone. #

-Oh, Derek!

-Sorry.

Why didn't you close the door?

Kelly could've seen you.

-Derek!

-Don't speak to me. Hangover.

Hm! You OK?

Oh! What do you think?

CATHY LAUGHS

-Your boxer shorts are on back to front.

-Yeah.

So, did you... HE BREAKS WIND

Excuse me.

Did you have a nice night with...? HE BREAKS WIND

-Sorry.

-That's all right.

Did you have a nice night with Michael?

HE BREAKS WIND

Oh, God!

All right, Uncle Derek?

Yeah, top of the world(!)

-What time did you get in?

-I don't know.

-What were you drinking?

-Everything.

-Pardon?

-Everything!

Don't speak to me. I've got a hangover!

PHONE RINGS Sounds like your phone, love.

-Oh, God, that'll be Pauline!

-Hm.

That's my room.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, are they for me? Thanks, Mum.

Got my interview this morning.

Yeah, exciting!

-CLATTER!

-Where you been?

Oh, hi, babe.

I've been down here, chilling with your mum.

Making plans for Halloween.

I've got my interview today.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that.

-You forgot about it?

-Yeah.

How could you forget about it?

I've been talking about it for weeks.

You're so funny sometimes.

I know. D'uh!

SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah, no, just come over, darling.

Yeah, it'd be really nice to see you, Pauline.

Yeah, no, I'm up.

I was about to go for a jog.

I don't know, ten miles?

I told you.

HE BREAKS WIND

I've changed.

SHE CHUCKLES

What time did you get in?

Oh, I've got absolutely no idea.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm sorry, I was supposed to be up and out before you...

Oh! Before you, um...

Before you got up.

That wasn't me, was it?

Kelly.

-Oh, thank God for that.

-Huh.

Jason's got his interview this morning.

-For Australia.

-Yeah.

Kelly's dealing with it as anyone would, by staying up all night,

drinking seven cups of coffee

AND...talking to a family of foxes.

HE CHUCKLES

How are you feeling about it?

Yeah.

-Well, I'd better put on some...

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Thank you.

-SHE CHUCKLES

They've got this place in Sydney that I was looking at

where you can cuddle a dolphin.

Oh, wow! Great!

-What, like, you have to actually touch it?

-Yeah.

Oh. Great.

You do a tour, it costs 600, but you get, like, Aussie beers,

surfing, barbie on the beach.

-They take you to the Outback.

-The Outback? Yeah.

Is that where there's loads of snakes?

There's snakes everywhere in Australia.

Excellent.

And there's so much surfing.

Yeah. I love surfing.

I really, really love seawater.

I'm going to go surfing every morning as soon as we get there.

Or, like, once I've learnt to surf.

Yeah. Me, too.

And once I've learnt to swim.

Did you break my digital photo frame?

No.

-Of course not, no. Why would I do that?

-Hm.

Oh, God, no! Yeah, it was me.

Oh, listen, I'm really sorry. It was, er...

Derek was kind of...sort of chucking things and...

..and I was kind of hitting them.

I'm really sorry. That's really bad. I'll get you another one, honest.

Don't be silly. I never use it, anyway!

SHE CHUCKLES

Has he, er...? Oh, sorry. Morning breath.

You should've smelt what Derek just did upstairs.

It made the hairs on my arms stand up.

Did he say anything about the evening at all?

Why?

Nothing.

Come on. Clearly, there's something, or you wouldn't have said that.

-DEREK:

-Cath! Cath!

This is interesting, Michael.

No. No, it's nothing, honest.

Well, we'll see about that.

Hm!

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, no! Here he is!

How's your head this morning, Michael?

THEY CHUCKLE

Pauline's coming over.

Oh, OK. Bit early, isn't it?

Yeah. So I think it must be good news.

-I think she's going to let me back in my flat.

-Oh, good.

That's a bit crumpled, love. Have you got another one?

Yeah, but, er...

Mm, how about a T-shirt?

You could cover it with a jumper.

Hm!

I need to do a wash.

No, I am, I'm excited, yeah.

How does your mum feel about you going?

She's all right, yeah. She's happy for me.

My mum'll love it over there.

She can watch me surf.

-ALARM WAILS

-Oh.

That's my car.

Aren't you going to turn it off?

Nah. It turns itself off eventually.

Oh, God, not again!

Oh, God!

BARKING

TURNS ALARM OFF

-See?

-Hm.

Yeah. I've thought it all through. Me and my mum,

we'll Skype during termtime

and then she'll come and visit me on her holidays.

It's a bit expensive, but she's got an ISA.

-Oh, yeah?

-Mm.

You never get to see your girls and you're all right.

-Er...

-No, but, like, when Abi went to Spain,

you never got to see them,

but you could still phone them, or text them, or whatever.

And there's Skype. And they're older now, anyway, aren't they?

Yeah, but it's still hard, though, Jason.

I know, I know. Yeah, 'course it is.

I go months without holding them, touching them, smelling them.

-JASON CHUCKLES

-Smelling them? You're gross!

You don't love someone less just because they're older.

My mum's not like that, anyway.

She'll be all right.

DOORBELL

I need to get in the shower, actually.

The Telegraph?

Er...nope. That's not ours.

How interesting, Cathy, the Telegraph!

No, we don't get a paper. Jason just brings home the free ones.

Don't make excuses. It's nice to see you trying to improve yourself.

Well, come in, come in.

It's cold out there, isn't it?

Oh, I don't feel it.

Yeah, winter's settling in, so...

Is it, Cathy? I really wouldn't know.

They were saying on the weather last night that it'll be freezing from now on.

Well, I don't notice things like that. It's real fur.

Right.

Sorry to come around so early.

I seem to have caught you a little...a little unprepared.

Oh, it doesn't matter, it's nice to see you.

So sorry to hear about your wrist.

Oh, yeah. I fell in the...

-Well, it's a bit of a long story.

-I've heard it.

-Right.

-Derek?

-Yes.

Who's got time to read all that?

Thanks.

So, how was Derek?

OK, come on, Michael, what's the big secret?

You two been chasing women?

Oh-ho-ho! I wouldn't have the energy.

-Strip club?

-I wouldn't know where to put my eyes.

I'm sure you'd find somewhere.

SHE CHUCKLES

You're not going to tell me, are you?

There's nothing to tell, honestly.

Well, help yourself to cereal, or toast and...whatever.

There's eggs and bacon, sausages.

No, no, you're all right. I'm trying to slim down a bit.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You don't need to lose weight. You're lovely just as you are.

Er... Hm.

You OK, Kelly? Can I get you some breakfast?

No. I'll have some carrots in a bit.

SHE MOUTHS

Er...Kelly, love, I was wondering if you could help me get ready for work?

Well, I won't deny I've missed you.

HE EXHALES

-What's wrong?

-Nothing, no. I'm just...tired.

I've missed you, too. I really have, darling.

How many togs is that?

-Eight?

-Eight togs? Huh!

No wonder she needs a blanket.

SHE SIGHS

Well, anyway, before you start getting all weepy again,

-I meant what I said, I'm not going to be controlled by you.

-No.

If I want to meet with my husband to discuss the divorce, I can.

-Yeah.

-If I want to make him little videos, I can.

If I want to swim with him in a lake, I can.

Do you mind if I open a window?

Yes, whatever.

SHE SIGHS

But having said all that, in the light of your emails last night,

I'm willing to come to some sort of arrangement.

Emails?

He wants me to swim with a dolphin!

Dolphins are nice.

I've seen videos of them, Cathy. They sniff your bits.

You need to talk to Jason about it.

I have talked to him, Michael! I wrote him an email and sent it,

and then I hacked into his phone and deleted it from his inbox.

-Did you?!

-Of course I did!

I'm a nutcase.

I talk to foxes!

GIGGLING

Sorry, are you laughing with me or at me?

With you!

Good.

I was having an after dinner macchiato with Geoff,

then all these desperate little emails came rushing in.

I hope you don't mind, I had to show him.

Yeah, no problem.

I wanted to come over before work

because he's taking me to the ENO tonight.

Opera.

Oh, right.

Have you been to the opera, Derek?

Well, I saw Blood Brothers, didn't I?

Indeed.

So, since you said last night you were so keen to do whatever I want,

I was thinking you could pop into yours this afternoon

and put a bottle of champagne in the fridge, in case he comes back.

Nothing too dry.

Don't worry, it isn't sexual.

He's made that perfectly clear.

You're not going to have another one of your little episodes, are you?

Um. No. No.

I should get going. Let you get on with your jog.

I love you.

Yes.

Mum? Have you done my shirt?!

Yep!

-You won't tell him about the dolphin, will you?

-Of course not!

Or the Facebook thing?

Or the foxes?

Or the fact I finished your Galaxy?

Dammit.

I only had a little bit.

Oh, hello.

I didn't realise you worked in a supermarket too.

I don't.

You work in Waitrose, yeah?

Yes.

Well, that's a supermarket.

No, it's not.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah?

Thanks, Mum.

That's all right.

You OK? What?

Just waiting till I can breathe.

Oh, sorry!

It's all right, love, who needs an ozone layer?

How are you feeling about your interview?

Yeah. Yeah. It's good, I think.

I've just been practising in the shower.

I want to be clever with it.

You know when they ask you at the end,

"Have you got any questions for us?"

I'm going to look them in the eye and say,

"What d'you mean?".

It's good, isn't it?

Um...

-Can you turn round? I'm just gonna get my knackers out.

-Yep.

It's all sorted, all fixed.

Great.

She's given me my keys back.

He's finally realised I'm a free spirit.

If I want to go to the opera with my husband

and discuss our divorce, I can.

If I want to spend the day on his yacht, I can.

When did you do that?

Does it matter?

Nope.

I'll have that.

I'm really pleased you're feeling better.

Yeah, it's really worked itself out.

-I've just got to get things moving a bit more at work.

-Yep.

Pay off some of my cards. Resubmit my tax return.

-Sort out the VAT.

-Yep.

-Then everything should be ok.

-Yep.

Keep up the child support payments, obviously.

Deal with my loans.

Yeah. Catch up on my council tax.

Pay off my golf stuff.

Get my rings back from Cash Converters.

Sergey Brin. He's the guy who invented Google.

-Yeah?

-Google? The search engine?

Yeah, I know what Google is, love.

Sorry, you can turn round.

He moved to America from Russia and started a new life, and look at him!

That's true.

So me and Kelly won't be living in a house like this.

We'll have a big house on the beach.

Or in the Outback.

We won't be spending our lives in a semi in the middle of nowhere

like you and Dad.

I mean, there's some disadvantages, aren't there?

Yeah?

Yeah.

I wouldn't be able to see you as much.

Well, that's true.

Mm. And you're not going to be around forever.

What do you think about me going to Australia?

Oh, um... I think it must be very exciting.

Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Have you talked to Kelly about it?

Yeah, loads.

Great.

How does she feel about spending the rest of her life in Australia?

Um...

I don't know. Excited, I think.

I've never asked her that specifically, but yeah...

I think you should ask her, love.

Yeah, definitely.

Better get going.

Good luck, love.

Also, I've been playing a lot of that online bingo.

I won a fiver last week.

-Oh, good.

-Yeah, so, things are definitely on the up.

Let me know how it goes.

-Yeah, bye.

-Bye!

Bye, everyone!

Um, Kelly? Sorry, love. I forgot to give Jason this.

Could you ask him to post it?

-Yep!

-And don't forget to talk to him.

Pauline's given me my keys back.

Oh, good!

Babe?

Your mum wants you to post this.

Oh, OK.

I'll come with.

It's cold, isn't it?

Yeah.

Clocks go back on Sunday.

Yeah.

Me and your mum are gonna make a podcast.

Your mum's been so good about her wrist, you know.

She even tried to put the ironing board down on her own.

Oh, God. I should've helped her!

Oh, don't worry about it.

I hope I get this job.

Yeah!

Well, er, don't want you catching a chill.

No!

No way.

Good luck.

Thanks.

I love you.

I love you too.

So, come on then, Derek.

What's Michael's big secret from last night?

No, it was just man talk. That was all.

-Man talk?

-Come on, Michael. Cathy doesn't care.

Er...

Michael's joined a gym.

A gym?

I'd love to stay and chat about whether Michael's joined a gym or not,

and for what it's worth I suspect he hasn't,

but my Uber's three minutes away.

OK, well, see you again soon.

Yes. Well...

We'll see how it goes with my husband.

Bye, then.

How do you mean?

Pauline, how do you mean?

Gym!

Imagine what Dave would've said.

Yeah.

Losing weight.

Joining a gym.

Who are you trying to impress?

I thought you were going to say that you had a secret girlfriend

you'd been boasting to Derek about.

No!

No, no. I wish!

HE CHUCKLES

Well, I'm just going to go upstairs and use your shower,

if that's OK, and then head off to work.

Yeah, course. Help yourself.

Thanks.

No worries.

What did he really say?

Oh, anyone can see that. He's besotted with her.

Can I get you something to eat, Kelly?

Yeah.

I'll have some carrots.

They're detoxifying, aren't they?

I'm feeling really toxified at the moment.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I might have some sausages.

Sausages?

Yeah.

OK.

Yeah. I might have a lovely sausage sandwich.

Thick, buttery bread.

Cover it in ketchup.

And a nice big mug of tea.

What do you think?

They look nice.

Yeah, they're the posh ones.

Yeah.

I know you're a veggie so you won't want any...

But if you did want some sausages, and you don't have to, obviously,

but if you did want a sausage sandwich...

I wouldn't tell anyone.

What do you think?

Have you got time?

Yeah. I'm going to stick them on while I get ready.

You won't tell anyone?

It'll be our little secret.

Oh, yeah.

OK. Go on then.

I'd love a fucking sausage.

I'm so sorry! I can't believe it!

I've just sworn in front of Cathy! I'm so sorry.

What is wrong with me? That's bad.

That's really bad. I'm so, so sorry, Cathy.

I don't know what's come over me. I'm disgusting.

Do you know what, Kelly?

What?

I'm really fucking disappointed in you.

No!

Cathy!

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm go-o-one

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #