December Mum

This programme contains some strong language.

-SHOUTING OUTSIDE

-At least someone's having a worse New Year's Eve than me.

-Pauline...

-What's going on?

-Jason and Kelly are having an argument.

They were meant to be seeing the new year in at the pub,

-but they've come home.

-I don't know why he doesn't just thump her.

-Reg!

-Not hard. Just a little whack.

-Just enough to shut her up.

-Reg, stop it, that's awful.

-Well...

-If it was up to me,

I tell you now, Cathy, I'd love to have sex with a black man.

That's got nothing to do with anything anyone's talking about.

I would. I'd relish the opportunity.

No, Maureen, it's Jason and Kelly. They're outside having an argument.

-Yeah, I know!

-We're not talking about sex!

-I am!

-Kelly's mum's here.

-Oh, she's not, is she?

-You all right, darling?

-Yes.

-Do you think you might be more comfortable on the sofa?

-I'm fine.

-Or a nice Jew.

-How much have you drunk?

Well, I'm just saying, before I die I'd like to have sex

-with a black man and a Jew!

-It's Jason and Kelly!

-Yeah, I know!

-We're not talking about black people or Jewish people

-or anything like that!

-I know!

-But I've never had sex with one!

-Good! You'd eat him alive.

-Oh, shut up.

-Like the Jews haven't got enough to worry about

-without you trying to sleep with them.

-More sherry, Reg?

Just a drop, Cathy. Don't go mad.

Are you kidding me?

Why are you having a go at me?

You're being racist.

SHE SCOFFS

I'm saying I want to make love to them!

Yes, we've heard! Thank you.

-OUTSIDE:

-Kelly! Come back, I'm only joking. Kell!

Stop being a drama queen!

Look at the face, Jason! Jason! Look at her stupid face...

You don't have to be so stupid all your life, Kell!

-Seriously, babe!

-Just tell me what I've said, Kelly!

ARGUMENT CONTINUES

# I got my ticket for the wrong way round

# Two bottle whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains, it's got rivers

# It's got woods that'll give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

I can't believe I've upset her.

The one thing you have to remember about women, Jason,

-is that they are all despicable.

-Oh, come on, Grandad.

Women are the same as men, if not better.

-Yeah. They're little angels.

-Yeah.

-Mm.

You should see your grandmother in the shower.

That'd burst your bubble.

What?

I love New Year's Eve.

I've been looking forward to it for... Well, for just under a year.

And now look at me.

PHONE BEEPS Do you want to talk about it, love?

I've just been texting my friend, Mary?

The one I met from carol-singing?

Oh, yeah. What does she say?

Well, she's nice and she listens,

but then she just goes on about the New Testament.

-Have you read it?

-Not really.

She made me read it.

(Poor Jesus.)

What a way to go.

PHONE BEEPS

Do you know which woman I've always liked? Fergie. Sarah Ferguson.

Oh, yeah. Bloody hell.

And her kids.

She's really...deep.

She really cares about normal people. It keeps her awake at night.

She's very down to earth.

-You read her books?

-No. Are they good?

Oh, they're bloody brilliant.

And it isn't that he was talking to a girl. I mean, it's Jason,

isn't it? He wouldn't cheat on anyone, not even me.

-You know he said he didn't get that job in Australia?

-Yeah.

He was telling this girl he did.

-He was just boasting, love.

-No.

He was telling her all about it,

saying he's going to move there in February.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Do you need to answer it? Sorry.

-No. I'm sure someone will get it.

-Sorry, my hands are all covered in chicken.

-I'll get it.

-I want to hear about this budgie.

-No, Reg. He's a helicopter.

But he just happens to be called Budgie.

-DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

-My God, she's clever.

Answer it. Go on. Don't worry about me.

-I need to reply to Mary.

-No, I'm sure someone will let them in.

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

-I should probably go down.

-Yeah.

Look who I found in the gutter!

Can I make myself a tea, Cathy? If I can work out which tin it's in!

Hello, Michael. Everything OK with your mum?

-Yes...

-He stuck a pillow in her face. Put her out of her misery.

SHE LAUGHS

How did she know?

Do you know where the tea's kept?

Pauline, babe. Do you know where the tea's kept?

Er...there's a pot somewhere with "tea" written on it.

Yeah. Exactly.

SHE LAUGHS

So, how was Christmas?

Yeah, it was quiet, yeah. We had Reg and Maureen for lunch.

-I bet that was nice.

-Michael...

-How was yours?

-Yeah. It was nice to have the girls together.

Less nice to see Abi.

-New shoes?

-Yeah.

-The girls got me them.

-Ah.

And now you feel guilty if you don't wear them?

Why do you think I'm wearing this cardigan?

Oh, and Maureen - you'll like this -

she wants to have sex with a black man.

-Where did that come from?

-Nowhere.

Had nothing to do with anything that anyone was saying about anything.

-She just came out with it.

-Any black man in particular?

-Nope.

-Lovely.

-Oh, erm...

-Cathy...

Cathy, can I get the code for your wifi?

Erm, I was just about to make some tea for Maureen so...

There's some pretty influential people trying to contact me

so it's rather more important than a cup of tea for that racist bitch.

Right.

Me and Geoff's New Year's Eve parties were legendary.

In 2004, at Emma Marston's Easter brunch,

they were still going on about my blinis.

Well, I'm sure it won't be the same without you.

No, it won't. I know it won't.

I mean, they'll all be there. Peter and Sarah Beckwith, obviously.

They'll leave as soon as they've eaten.

The Morgans and their daughter with the MBE.

-Wow! What did she get that for?

-Oh, please.

If it was a CBE I'd be impressed, Cathy, but an MBE?

Come on. It's not even an OBE.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think where I've put that little card

-with the wifi code on it.

-Don't be sorry, Cathy.

Thanks.

Just be quicker.

-One year at midnight, we all ended up in the pool.

-No!

Oh, yeah. They threw me in!

You'll have to speak louder. I can't hear you.

-She's not speaking to you, Reg.

-Right. Sorry. As you were.

I used to have a swimming pool.

A swimming pool? What do you do in it?

-Swim.

-Where?

-To the end.

-Then what?

Back again.

What a fucking waste of time.

When my divorce settlement comes through,

I'll be able to afford 34 swimming pools.

I'm sure they're all texting you, sweetie, wondering where you are.

Yes, I know and saying what a boring party it is without me. I know.

I'm not bothered, anyway.

-I've heard it's prosecco this year, rather than champagne.

-God...!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

-Small J.

-How small?

Er...

The smallest one you've got.

-Go on.

-Seven.

-Seven?

-Yep.

-The number or the word, Cathy?

-The number.

-And a capital P.

-Thank you.

They sometimes take a while to come through, don't they?

-Have you tried refreshing...

-I don't need your help.

Oh, wow, Michael!

Just some bits and pieces for the family.

Just to say happy Christmas.

Oh, lovely. Thanks. I've always wanted diabetes.

THEY CHUCKLE

No, thanks, that's really kind of you.

-Erm...

-Michael!

Michael! Come here

before I come out there and I grab your lovely little bum!

-Right, I'd better...

-Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, Michael, do you know where the tea's kept?

Cathy? Cathy?

Can I take this for the cats?

-Is Kelly all right?

-Quick, it's dripping.

Not really, love. I think you should go and talk to her.

-Yeah. Probably.

-Cathy!

People might want some, Reg. It's the nice one, it was expensive.

Good. They'll like that.

-Take all of it. I'll have some in the morning.

-I am!

Has she got any roll mops?

Has she got any roll mops?

-Yeah, it's right next to my bed.

-OK.

-Yeah. It's basically next to my pillow.

-Very nice.

So, in the mornings, I don't have to get up or anything.

I just wake up, reach in my little fridge and get myself a can of Coke.

Very nice.

I keep beers in it, too, for bedtime.

-Nice shoes.

-Thanks.

Geoff and I didn't have a fridge in our bedroom.

We had a little woman with a limp. We got her over on a coach

from Gdansk and we just used to ring a bell and she'd get us things.

There you are. Has anyone been in touch?

No, not yet, but it's fine.

I've decided I'm not bothered by it all, so... I'm sure they'll text

in the morning and tell me how bad it was without me

and, in the meantime, I'm just going to relax and have a nice evening.

PHONE BEEPS

-Sorry, I was wondering where you were.

-Yes.

-No, and that's fine. Yes.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Yeah, come in, love. Come in. It's freezing out there.

She's just upstairs.

This is my boyfriend, Ryan.

Ryan. It's spelt with a Y not an I.

Yeah.

A lot of people think it's short for Brian.

-Do they?

-Yeah.

-But it's not short for anything, is it, babe?

No, it's just a normal name like Mark or Jonathan.

Interesting.

All right, babe?

-Kelly! Debbie's here!

-And Ryan.

And Ryan!

Oh, my God, what am I like?!

Here she is! The drama queen!

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah!

LIVELY CHAT IN HALLWAY

-Has Carol made a cocktail?

-Yeah.

-Do you want to try some?

-Oh, don't. I can smell it from here.

-Do you know she's got Dave's fridge in her bedroom?

-Yeah.

-I think that's a good idea, don't you?

-I thought that.

Put some milk in it, buy a kettle, I'd never have to get out of bed.

-Where would you wee?

-The kettle.

SHE LAUGHS

Then just flick on the switch, make myself a cup of tea...

Ha! Michael!

Michael! Happy new year!

I'm wearing a waistcoat.

Oh. Yeah.

Very nice, mate.

Feel it, then.

-How was yours?

-Yeah, good, actually. Thanks.

Pauline likes to spend her Christmas on the beach so I took her

to Mykonos. Didn't I, didn't I?

-Yes.

-I did it all like a big surprise.

Packed her bags for her, got Priority Boarding,

took off Christmas Eve.

It was freezing cold and nothing was open.

Well, it's December, isn't it, darling?

It was warmer in the sea, but she wouldn't get in.

-You all right, love?

-Yeah...

No, I'm great. Yeah.

-My mum's just being hilarious again.

-Oh, Kell...

Yeah...

Um...

What, love?

You just called me Kell.

Does that mean you like me or...?

Oh, Kelly, love. Of course I like you.

Oh, Kelly...

No, I'm sorry,

but that's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Well, this is boring.

I think they've forgotten about us, babe.

Honestly.

New Year's Eve and I'm stood in some old woman's hallway.

I don't think they liked me, you know.

Of course they liked you, babe.

I don't know.

I think they might've found me a bit too...unconventional?

Yeah. Do you know what? I wouldn't be surprised, actually.

They're all, like, so conventional.

Yeah.

I know you're, like, four times as old as me...

-Not quite.

-..but even if Jason does go to Australia and dumps me

and I never leave the house again, can we still be friends?

Of course we can.

My friend Mary from carol-singing, she's 89.

I'm a little bit younger than her, aren't I?

Oh, you're considerably younger, yeah.

-And also you do look younger than she does.

-Thanks.

No, you do. Honestly. I'm not just saying that.

I don't want Jason to go.

-I can't live in Australia.

-I know.

I feel as sad as the sisters of Lazarus.

He's upset about something.

No, babe, he smiled at me.

No, I can tell these things, babe. I'm an observer.

I observe life. It's a gift.

-Was that Jason?

-Yeah.

I think they're going upstairs to have sex together.

-Ryan!

-What?

-That's his mum!

-Is it?

-Yeah, babe!

-You're kidding me.

-I can't believe you just said that, babe.

-Oh, my God, you're kidding me!

She's fit.

But then you can also wear it...

-Very nice.

-Yeah.

So it's basically like buying two coats for the price of one.

-Well done, love.

-Yeah.

-Looks nice, doesn't it?

-Oh, it's lovely.

Kelly chose it.

So things didn't go well down the pub, then?

Erm... No. Not really.

Yeah.

It's a shame, really, cos Kelly loves New Year's Eve.

It's like one of her best days of the year.

It's up there with, like, Christmas, Halloween, April Fool's Day.

-Do you remember Kelly on April Fool's Day?

-Yeah.

She's so funny.

Did she, er...

-Did she tell you what's wrong?

-Erm...

Yeah, she did, love. Yeah.

So, erm...

What's wrong with her, then?

I think you know what's wrong with her, love.

Why didn't you tell me you got the job?

You've done so well.

Your dad would've been blown away.

If you want to go to Australia,

if it's really important to you...

..you have to go.

I think the problem is, though, Mum, that...

I love Kelly.

I've never met anyone like her.

I mean, she's a nutcase, but she makes me laugh. She's hilarious.

And there's not a bad bone in her body

and the way she's been with me with everything with Dad...

I'm so lucky to have her.

-And she really likes you.

-Yeah. I've noticed that.

But, like...

She doesn't want to go Australia.

She sort of pretends she does, but she's such a bad liar.

I can't make her move there, can I?

Mum...

..I can't, though, can I?

That's not for me to say, love.

You can learn to surf in Cornwall.

Yeah. I've heard that.

And I was thinking one year me and Kell could save our holidays up

and we could go Australia for, like, a month or something.

-That would be lovely.

-Yeah.

I should go and talk to her about it, shouldn't I?

Yeah, that would be a nice thing to do.

What do you think you're going to say?

Dunno.

That I'm not going?

I think, sometimes, what you gotta do in life, Mum, is you've got to

think about what's best and what's important in the long term,

and not just always do what you want to do in, like, the short term.

I sort of don't ever want to be away from her, do I?

She's like my twin.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. I do.

Just need a wee first or I won't be able to concentrate.

And then he comes in with this little mouse.

Tiny little thing it was.

Sorry, Reg, Pauline's not really in the mood.

All right, all right. Just let me finish.

About this big he was. Still alive. He's got it in his mouth.

He puts it down on the carpet, it's still alive, this tiny

little mouse. You could fit it on your finger. Sweet little fella.

He comes in with it in his mouth and he drops it on the carpet.

-Can we talk about this later?

-It won't take long.

So I take him by his tail. Tiny little thing.

I take him by his tail and he's spinning about,

he's absolutely terrified. I took him by his tail,

looked him in the eye and smashed his skull against the wall.

What's he saying?!

Left a mark on the wallpaper.

She'll never notice.

You killed a mouse?

It was only a little one.

Oh.

I thought you'd given up.

So did I.

FIREWORKS WHISTLE AND EXPLODE

I've never really liked New Year's Eve.

No, me neither.

I never understood what it was I was supposed to be celebrating.

Dave used to love it, didn't he?

-Mm.

-But he was like that.

Yeah.

It's been a funny year.

Mm-hm.

I lost my husband, but I gained Kelly, so...

I guess it evens out.

-And your wrist.

-Oh, yeah! Forgot about that.

How is it?

Oh, yeah, it's completely fine. Yeah.

That's good.

What about you?

I think you've got a fan in Carol.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. I'll not be going there, don't worry.

Why not?

Not my type.

Oh, so you've got a type, have you?

Yeah.

Well, thank you for the chocolates and the biscuits,

I'll be sure to let my doctor know that I'll be eating them.

I've been trying to give you this.

-Have you?

-Mm.

It's just to say thank you

because I don't think I could've got through this year without you, so...

The year would've been a lot quicker.

No, it's just a thank you. That's all.

Happy Christmas.

Thank you.

Aren't you going to open it?

Mm.

THEY CHUCKLE

It's very nice. Thank you.

Are you not going to look at the, erm...?

Aw.

-Do you remember that Chinese meal?

-I remember. I remember.

Oh!

Oh, I tried my best.

-Well, it tasted better than it looked.

-Move on.

Oh, I'm not... I'm not really sure what that's meant to be.

Well, it's Kelly, wasn't it, on April Fool's Day but...

-Oh, yeah, God, she was mad!

-Yeah, I know!

Aww!

Ha! I got it up eventually.

You did very well for a man who'd never put a telly on a wall.

I didn't know what to put.

-Very arty.

-Thank you.

Oh...

HE LAUGHS

Oh, thanks, thanks, Michael.

It's your face, it's funny.

Oh! Just wait till we get to November.

-Oh, that was a long night for you, you poor wee thing.

-Mm.

I had you there with me, didn't I?

Yeah.

Oohhh...

Oh, God!

I can't... I can't even remember taking that.

No, no, I expect you were too busy smashing my digital photo frame.

Oi! Dickheads! It's nearly midnight!

I think she means us.

Yep.

-I've never really thought of myself as a dickhead.

-I have.

Have you? That's really nice of you. Thanks, Michael.

But I think I'm... I think I'm more of an arsehole.

-Oh, yeah, I can see that.

-Can you?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've always definitely thought you were a right arsehole.

THEY LAUGH

Hello, everyone.

All right, Michael?

-We're not going to Australia.

-Ah, good, mate.

Mum, he's not going to Australia...

LIVELY CHAT IN LIVING ROOM

Michael! Michael! It's nearly midnight!

LIVELY CHAT

Big Ben! Shush!

It's Big Ben!

ALL: Ten, nine

eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #