March Mum

This programme contains some strong language.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-I'm just looking at how fat all these women have got.

-Nice.

TABLE SQUEAKS

-It's wobbly, isn't it?

-Yeah.

I'm worried it's going to break.

-I can't believe you're 60.

-Oh, I know, I know.

If I met you for the first time I'd be like,

"That woman is no older than 58."

-Thanks, love.

-That's all right.

No, it does feel strange, though. Seems like only yesterday I was 18.

Yeah.

It wasn't only yesterday, though, was it, Cathy?

No.

It was 42 years ago.

-Do you want to get off that table, love?

-Erm...

No, I'm good, thanks.

So what age is it when you get the old lady smell?

-What was that?

-Erm...

-Doesn't matter.

-It's funny turning 60.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I was saying to someone the other day.

Someone was being really annoying

and asking me loads of questions about my birthday.

It was one of those people

that always manages to say the wrong thing and you've just got to try

and find a way of biting your tongue.

Oh, yes! It was, um...

-No-one.

-No, go on, who was it?

No, it was no-one, Kelly, honestly.

-You all right, love?

-Yeah.

I've got, like, eight WhatsApps I need to reply to

-and it's sort of getting me down.

-Oh, dear.

-Mm.

Why don't you just reply to them?

When?

I'm so busy.

What time's the carvery booked for?

2.30.

Your nan and grandad are picking us up around 2.00, so...

Oh, wow!

Kelly did it.

-Kel!

-Coming!

No way!

-Kelly, I'm showing Mum the banner!

-I'm coming!

-She's enormous.

-Kel, I'm showing Mum the banner!

I'm coming!

Kelly, I got the banner out!

Kelly!

I'm not being annoying, babe, I'm showing my mum the banner!

If I say I'm coming...

Kelly!

..it means I'm coming.

-She loves it.

-Really?

Yeah, it's amazing, Kelly. Thank you.

I did a big number 60 so everyone could see how old you are.

Great.

And that's, uh...?

-Skull and crossbones. Yeah.

-Yeah.

I was trying to capture a sense of the passing of time.

Well, it's definitely done that.

Shall we put it in the kitchen?

I don't want the whole street knowing how old I am.

What?

THEY LAUGH

What?

-I knew something was going on.

-Here she is, big sis!

-Happy birthday!

-Thank you.

-I thought we were going to see you down the pub?

-There's more to me

-than meets the eye.

-There really isn't.

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whisky for the way... #

You rotten lot!

Here.

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains, it's got rivers

# It's got woods that'll give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

-You all right?

-Yes, Cathy, I'm all right.

-Derek said you were playing badminton.

-Indeed.

I was supposed to be playing with Rosalind Hampton-Jones.

Her husband's Sir Nicholas Hampton-Jones.

Oh, yes, I think you've mentioned them before.

-Her nephew was at primary school with Kate Middleton.

-That's it.

But apparently, when she was four,

Middleton was thick as shit.

She pissed herself on a swing, she couldn't ride a bike

and her spelling was a fucking car crash.

-Well, it hasn't held her back, has it?

-Hmm.

Oh, you didn't need to bring any cake, I've made one.

Yes, I thought you might.

-Good carvery, is it?

-Oh, yeah, it's amazing.

-What kind of potatoes?

-Boiled, roasted, mash.

-Yeah.

-Oh, fantastic - I love potatoes.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I often think I could give it all up and sell the business,

move to Ireland and start a potato farm.

Ho-ho, I'll be in my element.

Hello?

Anyone?

-What is it we're going for?

-Carvery.

-Carvery, yes.

You'll have to help me a little, Cathy, I've never been to a, uh...

-Carvery.

-Carvery, yes.

Well, you've got a treat in store.

It's like a big roast dinner but with four different meats.

Four different meats? How sophisticated.

And do the waiters carve at the table, or...?

No, there's no waiters, you just queue.

-In a restaurant?

-Well, it's more like a pub, really.

You help yourself to veg, there's three types of potato,

-and for dessert we get ice cream because it's all-you-can-eat.

-Sorry.

No.

OK, this is, uh...

Derek?

-I hear we're going for a carvery.

-Yeah.

There's four different meats and three types of potato,

but you can go through the vegetable bit as often as you like.

I'm just going to, erm...

Three types of potato!

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Roasted, boiled, dauphinoise...

Come on, Pauline.

Dauphinoise?

-Seeing a flat on Thursday.

-Oh, great, love.

Yeah. It's only down the road so we can still come here for our dinner.

Good.

Michael's just pulled up.

-Oh, has he?

-Yeah.

-You know Debbie, Kelly's cousin?

-Yeah.

-Goes out with Ryan?

-Yeah.

-Black hair.

-Yeah, I know who she is, love.

-Yeah, she was saying that,

like, Michael's got a bit of a thing for you.

LAUGHING: Yeah?

And I was like, "He wishes!

"Like Mum would ever go near him!"

Cathy? Michael's here.

She knows, babe, I told her.

Babe? Can you tell your mum Michael's here?

She knows, babe, I told her.

LOUD POP, HE SHRIEKS

Jesus Christ!

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

-Hello?

-Hello, Michael, mate. New shirt?

Yeah.

-You OK?

-Yeah, good, actually, yeah.

-I cut my toenails this morning.

-Ah, great.

Yeah, got a lot more room in my socks.

-Good feeling.

-One of the best, mate. One of the best.

-Hello, Michael.

-Hi.

-I like your shirt.

-Thanks.

-You had a nice morning?

-Yeah.

-Er...my mum's having problems with her gutters again.

-Oh.

So, er, yeah, I cleaned out the hopper,

fitted a new stop end, replaced some of the brackets

that are coming away and then cleaned out the downpipes.

There was a lot of leaves and muck and stuff,

but good to get it all out.

Hm.

Do you want to have a look at how fat all these women have got?

Maybe later?

Can I go now?

-Yeah.

-Thanks.

We haven't done our scratchcards, babe.

Oh, I forgot about the scratchcards!

Scratchcards? I am really good at scratchcards.

INDISTINCT CHATTER IN LIVING ROOM

-Happy birthday.

-Oh, hello.

New shirt?

-Yeah.

-Straight out of the packet?

-Of course.

-Classy.

Do my best.

Guess what I've made.

-Oh, no.

-Victoria sponge.

-Don't make me eat it.

I was going to make a great big chocolate one

but I couldn't be arsed.

Take your time.

No need to rush, you've got all the time in the world.

Think positively.

You've got to think nice things to get nice things.

That's how I got Pauline.

You?

No.

No.

Oh, well. Don't worry, buy another one tomorrow.

I just thought I'd bring the presents round before we, er...

-Oh, thanks, Michael.

-You've not seen them yet.

It's just a bottle of beer and a toilet roll.

Wouldn't surprise me.

Right, well, I'll just use your loo, then.

Er...

You didn't need to know that.

And then I'll go and get all the presents from the car.

"All the presents"?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

-I wouldn't get excited.

-No, I'm not.

-I mean, it's you, isn't it? So...

-Yeah. Well, I'll, er...

-It's quicker that way.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Oh, for God's sake. I mean, honestly. Jesus Christ!

-What've they done to the house?

-They've decorated it.

-Why?

-Because they're fucking idiots.

All right, Nan, Grandad?

-What's happened to your head?

-Nothing, I'm fine.

-I wasn't out for long.

-What's that?

A banana.

What the fuck are you eating one of them for?

-Look at that one.

-No.

-Same person five years later.

-No.

What a monster.

What a beast.

I think this one's quite sad, actually,

-cos I think she had a breakdown.

-I can't look at that.

And that's her...20 years ago.

What a big...fat...lazy bitch.

-Happy birthday, Cathy.

-Thanks, Reg.

-How old are you?

60.

-Sorry to hear that.

-Thanks!

-Happy birthday, Cathy.

-Thanks, Maureen.

Give her her present. It's in the bag.

-Which bag, Nan?

-The yellow one.

What happened to your head, Reg?

She wants me to see a doctor just because I slipped in the shower

and I've had occasional bouts of sickness and memory loss.

And occasional bouts of sickness and memory loss.

HE MUTTERS

TOILET FLUSHES

CATHY: Oh, shit.

INDISTINCT CHATTER DOWNSTAIRS

-REG:

-Cathy? We're going to the Toby, are we?

-Yeah, the one in Buckhurst Hill.

-Right.

So you go left out of the house...

Are you listening?!

-Yes! Bloody hell, I'm just helping Maureen.

-Left out of the house.

No need to shout. Blimey, Reg.

-You go down the end of the road, you turn left.

-You turn right!

Oh, don't get involved.

You go through Woodford.

-Woodford?!

-Michael, how do we get to the carvery?

-New shirt?

-Yeah.

You should have ironed it.

-Yep.

-So it's left out of the house, left at the end of the road,

-left onto Chingford Lane.

-And then right at the roundabout.

-Roundabout?!

-Left out of the house, left at the end of the road

and right onto Chingford Lane.

My right or your right?

-It's just a right.

-Yeah, but is it your right or her right or my right?

Well, it's just a right. It's everybody's right.

It's everybody's right to do what?

Do you want to put your phone down, love?

I feel like maybe you're not listening properly.

Then instead of going left,

you go right towards Highams Park.

You stupid bastard.

Highams Park!

What?

You silly prick.

-You all right, mate?

-Yeah.

Just popping out to the car to get some presents for your mum.

That's nice of ya. You know,

people take the piss out of ya, but you're a good bloke.

Do they?

Don't like it when you laugh at me.

HE LAUGHS

I might not look it but I'm actually quite sensitive.

Highams Park!

Highams Park!

-Some Milk Tray, a plant and a Now album.

-Oh, very nice.

Well, it's not every day she's 60. What you got her?

-Ah, not much, you know.

-Nice motor.

-Thanks.

Yeah, just some bits and pieces to keep her busy.

It looks more than it is.

All these are for my mum?

Erm...

Did you like your presents?

Yes, of course, they're lovely.

Hm.

I was going to make one of Dave

but I thought it might be weird because he's dead.

Yeah.

You OK, love?

We're like best friends, aren't we?

Well, not like friends, but, like... I'm in love with you?

-OK.

-Because you know age doesn't matter.

But it does, obviously,

cos no-one's going to give a job to a baby or an old person.

Do you want to talk about something?

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

I've just got all of these thoughts.

I'm not very good at, like, turning them into, like...

It's OK, love.

-No, no, but look at it like this - you open the boot...

-Yeah.

-..and you're saying you've got presents for my mum.

-Yeah.

And I'm like, "There's about 20 in there." That one's massive!

Yeah, no...

-I can see why you...

-It's a bit weird, Michael, even for you.

No.

These are for MY mum.

Her fingers aren't as good any more so I wrap up her presents for her.

-OK.

-Yeah, no, they're not for YOUR mum, they're for MY mum.

These are for her great-grandchildren,

my niece's kids.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I see!

Oh, I get it now. Sorry, mate.

This...

This is for your mum. Nice bottle of wine and, er...

-Is that white?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, she'll like that.

-Good.

And, er...

Yeah, that's about it.

-Do you want me to take that in and give it to her?

-No, it's all right.

Sorry about that, mate.

That's funny, that, innit?

Yeah.

That's going to make me chuckle, that is.

That's like a classic misunderstanding.

Yeah.

But it's going to be so hard for you when you don't have me and Jason

here to look after you.

Oh, I guess I'll just sit in the garden, watch whatever telly I like.

It's just going to be so, so quiet.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Cos me and Jason, we've, like, got each other.

We, like, sleep together.

We have sex.

I've noticed.

He's really good at it.

I bet he gets that off you, doesn't he?

-I bet you were really thorough back in the day.

-Go and get ready, love.

I think it's very exciting that you and Jason are getting your own

place - and you don't need to worry about me at all, I'll be fine.

-Kelly, you ready?

-But I do worry about you, though.

I think about you even when I'm thinking about other things.

-Thanks.

-You don't have to thank me, Cathy.

-I do it because I love you.

-Kelly.

I was just telling your mum about how empty her life's going to be

when we move out...

CONVERSATION CARRIES ON INDISTINCTLY

She works in Sainsbury's?

Yeah, she's been working there for a year or something.

Does she get a discount?

WHISPERING: That's what I've been wanting to ask her.

-You all right?

-No, good, love, yeah, yeah.

I just need to get my make-up.

Let me get that for you.

Oh, thanks.

-Thank you.

-You don't need make-up.

You're beautiful just as you are.

Oh.

Wow.

Thank you.

Thanks, Reg.

I'll get a discount if it fucking kills me.

There he is. Everything sorted?

Let's have a look at all these presents, then.

-Happy birthday.

-Oh.

Ooh, thank you.

Wonder what this is.

-Like I said, it's nothing, really.

-Thanks.

That's-that's-that's... really very nice.

Yeah, well, that's everything, so...

No, really, that's everything.

Oh, OK.

-Open it, it's white.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh, yes, white.

My favourite.

Good. I didn't want to go overboard.

No, no, absolutely. No.

That's very kind of you. Thanks, Michael.

Yeah, well, I'll, uh, use your loo again. It's my age.

-And I'll see you at the carvery?

-Yeah.

-Thanks, that's-that's really very nice.

-Yeah.

-You ready, Mum?

-Nearly, yeah. Um...

I love the Happy Birthday song, don't you?

Yeah, it's catchy.

-Have I told you about my stick?

-You have, yes.

I think I might go back to the park and get another one.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-How funny.

I've just had another text from Rosalind Hampton-Jones.

Oh, OK.

Her husband's a banker. Her eldest is a lawyer

and her youngest made a fortune out of payday loans.

They sound like a lovely bunch of people.

So...Jason and Kelly are moving out?

Yes. Well, they've started to look, so...

That'll be a kick in the teeth!

-Well...

-There's nothing like the sound of a house

when you're the only person in it.

-Can I, uh...?

-Yes, help yourself.

..we could live on a houseboat.

We're not living on a houseboat.

-HE LAUGHS

-You're so funny, babe.

No, but, seriously, babe - I'm not living on a houseboat.

-I was just telling Kelly about it. I went to his car...

-Right.

..and Michael was like, "I'll get your mum's present,"

and I looked in his boot and it was full of presents!

There were tonnes in there! And I was like, "What?!"

-His boot was full of presents?

-Yeah!

-How funny.

He had loads of presents in there. I thought they were for you.

-Are you telling her about Michael?

-Yeah.

And he was like, "No, they're for my mum to give to her grandkids,"

-or something, wasn't it?

-Yeah!

And I was like, "Classic misunderstanding."

-And they were wrapped in what?

-Just birthday wrapping paper.

-Funny.

-Yeah!

-You find your phone?

-Yeah. It was in my hand!

-Oh!

-You coming?

-Yeah.

No, just give me a minute.

-You done your WhatsApps?

-No, and I got another one.

Babe, I know you've got loads.

-I've got nine now.

-You've got loads of them.

Jason, mate, you coming in my car?

-All done?

-Yeah. Should do me for the next five minutes or so.

-You should look into nappies.

-I'm wearing one.

Handy for journeys but I can't stand the chafing.

Erm...

Maybe I could come in your car?

Pardon?

Can I get a lift in your car?

Really?

Yeah.

OK.

Is that a problem?

-No. No, of course not.

-Good.

OK if I put something in your boot?

Pardon?

Can I put something in your boot?

-My boot?

-Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Oh...

No. No, boot's wet.

-Boot's wet?

-Mm.

Left it open last night.

Can I have a look?

Nah, it's too wet.

Wow, that's wet.

Well, it's not too wet, but...

I mean, that's a really wet boot. I mean, too wet to even look at.

-No, it's not too wet to look at.

-No?

-No.

-Why'd you leave your boot open all night?

Why do you need to look in my boot?

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm go-o-one

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #