April Mum

This programme contains some strong language.

It's nowhere near the ground.

Oh, sorry, I should've brought that back ages ago.

No, it's all right.

We only need it because we've got a cleaner coming tomorrow.

-Cleaner?

-Yeah, cleaner.

-Indeed.

It's this little Bulgarian chick.

She's going to wash and iron Pauline's clothes

-and her pillowcase...

-And brush my hair.

If she wants the money, she'll do it.

She's going to do all that and clean the flat for 60 quid.

Blimey. I'd do it for half that!

I think she was joking.

-Were you?

-Yes.

Yeah.

-Well, if you ever need the cash, Cathy.

-Thanks.

-You wouldn't have to declare it.

-Bye, Derek.

-Bye, Uncle Derek!

Well, have a happy Easter.

Yes.

Unlikely, but thank you.

-We're having lunch with Derek's friends.

-Our friends.

So, that's a whole afternoon of bad wine and vacuous chitchat

and food cooked by the sorts of animals Derek's friends

-are married to.

-The sorts of animals OUR friends are married to.

-Yes.

Well, have a lovely Easter, Cathy.

-Thank you.

-You doing anything nice?

No, not much.

Jason and Kelly are going to Kelly's auntie's,

and my friend Lyn's going to pop round, she always does at Easter.

Oh, and yeah, we're having the carpet done, aren't we, on Tuesday

so Michael's going to come round and help me clear the front room.

Sorry, I didn't listen.

Well, have fun, whatever you're doing.

What colour's the carpet?

It's speckled.

It's sort of beige.

SHE LAUGHS Of course it is.

-Bye then.

-Bye, Cath.

-Bye.

-I'll ask her.

-Thanks, babe.

Why don't you come to my auntie's?

Oh, your auntie doesn't want me there.

I've got loads of family who are sort of...

I don't know what the proper word is, but they're like...

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but they're like...

-your age?

-Yeah?

Yeah, so you could talk to them about whatever it is you people

talk about, like ABBA, or the news,

or the first time you got a colour TV.

That sounds really very tempting, Kelly, but there's

a front room to clear, isn't there, and Michael's coming over, so...

Mum, seriously, are you honestly telling me

that you want to spend Easter Sunday alone in the house with Michael?

THEY GIGGLE

You're so funny, babe.

I'm not as funny as you are beautiful.

Babe!

Your eyes are infinitesimal.

-Oh, babe.

-Can I just...?

-Yeah, sorry.

-Sorry.

MUSIC: You're Gonna Miss Me by Lulu and the Lampshades

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottles of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some... #

Bye, Cath!

Right then.

# I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone... #

CAR ENGINE STUTTERS

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone... #

CAR ENGINE STUTTERS

# You're gonna miss me everywhere... #

CAR ENGINE STUTTERS

Just stay in the car, I'll sort it out.

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view... #

I'm not sitting in the car.

# It's got woods that'll give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you... #

CAR HORN BLARES

# When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

-BOTH:

-Happy Easter!

-Happy Easter!

-Happy Easter!

-Happy Easter!

-I love Easter.

-It's so random.

I can't believe it's finally here.

So go on, what Easter egg did you get?

Well, Cathy got me one with my name on, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-Thornton's.

-Shut up!

-Yeah. Ryan spent like a tenner on it.

Congratulations on your course.

Oh, thanks, yeah.

-He's going to be a male nurse.

-Yeah.

You can just say nurse.

That's very exciting, love.

My mum was ill quite a lot and so I used to sort of look after her

instead of school, and then I sort of just held her hand

while she died, so it feels like the next step, really.

Him, though, a male nurse!

You can just say nurse.

Yeah, good, Michael, yeah.

The car's broken down, but then, on the other hand, it's Easter.

I love Easter. You know all the chocolate, all the eggs,

all the rabbits.

What is it with the rabbits? And what is it with all the chocolate?!

I should do a bit of the old stand-up comedy, shouldn't I?

So, Easter, what's with all the rabbits?!

That'd be good that, wouldn't it? I'd be like Bob Monkhouse.

I love Bob Monkhouse. It's a shame he's dead.

But we all go eventually, don't we?

You all right, mate?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I just had one of these.

Oh, right.

-OK.

-Yeah.

Who gives a fuck about shitty old carpets?

-Yeah.

-I'm like, shit man!

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

So she's going to clear out the front room today.

-On Easter Sunday?

-Yeah.

Is she demented?

She doesn't know it yet, me and Jason are going to do it

for her tomorrow so she can have today on her own,

-she doesn't have to be alone with Michael.

-That's nice of you.

-Yeah.

I'm never going to live as long as Cathy, the way I'm going.

That's a good point, babe. You better slow down.

I can't.

-Is it all right if I have a slash?

-Yeah, 'course.

-Is it clean?

-Hello.

-Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. Should've worn another layer, but...

I was in the car, so...

I don't know why I'm going on about it.

So, you are all set for today?

Yeah! I got up early, started to clear out the cupboards.

Oh, hold it, stop it right there.

Why?

I think I need a moment to digest just how exciting your life is.

Oh, it's tragic.

I've become the kind of person you pity.

-Oh, I've always pitied you.

-Thanks.

So I've got it all sorted with my mum.

It's no problem.

I'm going to pop over there tonight, whenever we're finished,

-so there's no rush.

-Oh.

-And I got us...

..Graceland.

Oh! No, that's good, because I got us...

Oh, I didn't know they still sold it!

Yeah, actually, these days it's very trendy.

Of course it is.

Oh, hi, Michael. I'm going to see a flat on Tuesday.

-Oh, nice. Where?

-Hoppett Road.

You coming?

-Yeah.

-So it's like far enough away from here

so it'll feel like we've moved out, but also like close enough to here

so we can still come round for our dinner.

Great.

It's really nice.

When you look out the window, you can see a garden.

-Oh, lovely.

-You telling him about the flat?

-Yeah.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-We're going to get a waffle-maker.

-Of course.

-And a drying rack.

And we're going to spend a whole Saturday in Ikea.

I'm sure that'll be a really pleasant experience.

Yeah.

-They're going to send someone around.

-Oh, good.

Did you tell them who my husband is?

It's the AA. They're not going to care who your husband is.

When we were together, my husband and I just had to click our fingers

-and a tow truck would arrive.

-I bet that was annoying.

Seriously, that would really wind me up.

-Babe?

-I'm in the glass bit!

Lyn's left her mum's. She just texted.

-Oh, OK.

-Who's Lyn?

Oh, she's a very dear old friend of me

and Dave and Michael and all that lot.

She went out with Michael for a couple of years.

But she used to have a bit of a thing for me, didn't she?

-Oh, yes, she did! Yeah.

-Yeah.

-How funny.

-Mum!

She always pops round with an Easter egg for Jason and we send them

back for her lot. We've been doing it for years.

-Sweet.

-Yeah.

So we're just telling Michael about the new plans for today.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

It's weird, really.

It was quite funny at the time.

Bit of an older woman kind of thing.

She was quite the catch.

My mates couldn't believe it when it was me that got off with her.

You all right?

Of course. Why wouldn't I be?

-It was nothing serious.

-I'm fine, Derek, so please just

shut your stupid fat face.

-I had to meet your husband.

-Yes, I know.

I remember the tears.

All right, listen, guys, we've worked it out.

You can have a nice day on your own.

Michael, you can get round to your mum's. Me and Jason will clear out

-the front room tomorrow.

-OK.

Ryan'll help. It's Bank Holiday, innit?

What's that?

What you doing tomorrow? Want to come help us clear out

-the front room?

-I've gotta get my ex an Easter egg.

Which one are you going to get him?

Malteasers? I don't know.

Wispa, babe. Get him a Wispa one.

There's too many.

Fancy coming round and helping us tomorrow

and letting Mum have today to herself?

Honestly, love, don't worry. Michael's here now, isn't he, so...

I've gotta get this egg for Kevin. He's really demanding.

Don't worry, love. Michael's here, so we'll just go ahead as planned.

But Michael said he was going to fucking do it.

-Babe, they can hear you.

-It's fucking...

Yeah, don't worry. I don't mind doing it, so...

Mum, put your feet up, have a bit of me-time.

-OK.

-And you get off, mate, go on, see your mum.

We'll be all right.

Easter's meant to be family time, innit?

You shouldn't have to spend it with us.

Thanks.

-NEXT DOOR:

-They're fucking revolting.

Babe, they can hear you!

-At least we saved her from Michael.

-Yeah.

She needs to put herself first.

You're such a lovely person, do you know that?

-No, you have the bigger bit.

-No, you have it.

No, you have it.

Yeah, he's right.

It's a family day, I shouldn't be here.

No, it's probably for the best.

You'll be a lot quicker without me to slow you down.

Oh, well, that's true.

I just want my mum to be happy, because I love her.

Oh, babe, that's so lovely.

But not as lovely as your smile in the light of a thousand stars.

Oh, babe.

You're my gorgeous little twinkle-nose.

Oh, babe!

And it'd be good for you to get some time to yourself.

Yeah, I don't have enough of that.

My sister's down anyway.

Oh, is she?

Yeah, yeah so I should head off to my mum's,

and I don't want to upset Jason. He's...

-JASON:

-She's here.

-Oh, that'll be Lyn.

-My mum's best friend...

Oh, right, good. OK. Excellent.

Then I'll head off in a minute.

Right.

Mum, I think that's Lynn!

Is that her?

Yeah.

Oh, well, but she was a lot better back in the day.

Blimey.

She's had her ups and downs and she's had kids

and she struggled a bit in her forties,

but no, she was really something.

Seriously, my mates were spitting feathers when I got

to have a go on her.

There was this kind of crackle of sexual electricity around her.

You finished?

Yeah.

Sorry.

-Do you know my Uncle Derek?

-'Course I do.

-All right, Dell?

-Yeah, good, yeah.

Ryan, we're going upstairs.

On the up, on the up. Been better, been worse.

-This is my partner, Pauline.

-Oh, hello.

Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

How funny!

Because I've never, ever heard of you.

Well, come on then. Tell me everything. How did you two meet?

-Well, it's funny, we actually met in the...

-Derek.

-I wasn't going to tell her the real story.

-Right.

Hi, Lyn, happy Easter.

Happy Easter.

I've got Keith's in the car so I won't stop.

Cleaning on Easter Sunday?

I'm going to shock you, Lyn - I'm getting a new carpet.

-Oh, blimey! How many years has that been then?!

-I know!

-You OK?

-Stop showing off.

How am I showing off?

Derek!

-How's the twins?

-Yeah, good thanks.

Kimberley's just had a baby.

Oh, congratulations.

Fantastic. She's a granny.

Yes.

But they're staying with us at the moment

and the baby doesn't stop screaming.

-Oh, no. Is he crying himself to sleep?

-Yeah, but...

Well, I cried myself to sleep every night until I was four.

Never did me any harm.

Oh, well that's for you.

Oh, lovely.

-Thanks, Lyn.

-And there's a...

South Africa.

You've been to South Africa, haven't you?

How many times?

Oh, two, three.

I lose count.

And that's for Jason.

Oh, that's so lovely, thank you, thanks, Lyn.

Oh, you're very welcome.

-And these are for your lot.

-Oh!

I've got a little book for the baby.

-Ohhh!

-For George and a card for...

-Thank you.

-Where's that gone?

Ah. Here we are.

And a little something for you and Keith.

Oh, bloody hell. That'll stop him moaning about his hips!

You know what he'll be after later.

And it won't be another episode of Lewis!

Oh, did you see Lewis last night?

No. I was helping Kelly with her...

No, I didn't see it either.

Sorry, love?

No, I was just saying we didn't see this "Lewis" programme either.

-Did we?

-No. No.

-We only watch BBC Four.

Documentaries, the Proms, anything with subtitles.

-What channel was it on?

-ITV3.

ITV3. Yes.

How lucky we all are to have so many ITV channels.

Well, lovely to meet you, eh...?

-Lyn.

-Lyn. Yes. Of course.

Is that short for anything?

-Linda.

-Such a pretty name.

-Yeah, it's good BBC Four.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's, erm, informative.

It's quite good to have on just before you go to sleep.

I'll get a glass of water, if that's OK?

Yeah, do you mind helping yourself?

I'm just going to go and find that card for George...

I am heading off, mate, so.

Cheer me up, Michael. Say something nice.

Oh, OK. Erm...

Do you reckon they've saved the mountain gorilla from extinction?

-Have they?

-Yeah.

-That is nice.

-Yeah.

I actually... I actually meant say something nice about me.

Oh! Oh, sorry. Of course.

Of course.

This looks very smart.

Really?

Yeah.

Pauline got it off the internet.

Yes, really good fit.

I like that bit.

-Very nice.

-I usually put a pen in there.

Like they do at the end of the news.

Yeah. Definitely.

Yeah. Makes me feel a bit more sophisticated.

Yeah.

You're a good friend, you know that?

Pauline, babe...

What do you mean he rose from the dead?

-He rose from the dead, babe.

-Yeah. He did.

He was dead and then he came back to life again.

-Well, that's obviously bollocks.

-Can I have some?

Do you mean he "rose from the dead" though?

He was dead and then he came back to life.

Who's this? Jesus?

Oh, yeah.

They killed him on a cross and then they put him in a tomb

and left him to it, and three days later he was right as rain.

Bullshit.

George, yeah. It's her first one so everything's a drama.

Your girls OK?

Yeah. Yeah. Still with their mum in Spain so...

Do you see much of Abi?

As little as I can.

Do you think she'll get that pond?

No. Doubt it.

What are you doing here on Easter Sunday?

CATH: Found it!

Oh, I'm going to head off, Cath.

Oh, OK, love. Thanks for coming round.

I should get back to Keith.

-I hope that's water!

-Yes, it is - sadly...

-So, what is it you do, Lyn?

-Pauline!

I work in the library.

Oh, interesting.

I once read a book that was 1,000 pages long.

-Wow. Well done.

-It took me a year.

Lyn reads tonnes of books, don't you?

And you'll never beat her at Scrabble.

She knows all the long words.

-It's not hard to beat Cathy at Scrabble...

-Oi!

I'm not sure about long words.

-No?

-No. I tend to find them inconsequentially homogenous.

Shall I...

Thanks.

Well, very nice to meet you at last.

Take care of the big fella.

Oh, you should have seen him when he was 17!

Funny little thing, he was.

Oh, Lyn.

17! When I was 17, I was sleeping with my teachers.

Let me know when you get back from France.

France! I love France.

They've got like four different types of Kronenburg.

-Was that OK?

-Yes. It was lovely to meet her.

Your teachers?

Yes.

There's no need for it, obviously, but, erm...

It's actually it's quite nice that you're a bit sort of jealous.

The only person I'm jealous of is the person I was before I met you.

The only... Hm.

The only person she's jealous of is...

Hey, that's not very nice.

No, I don't mind doing the front room.

You need to see your mum at Easter.

Yeah.

It's hard to choose between being there for your family

or being there for your friends.

That was really deep.

What, did you get that from a book or...?

No, I thought of it myself.

Really?

I just wanted to do what's best for your mum, you know?

I know. You're a such a good friend.

Yeah. So, if you need me to stay or...?

I mean sometimes, in situations like these,

you just have to look into your heart and do what feels right.

You should get these down, mate. They are gold.

Thanks.

You got any others?

Erm...

If you believe in something, stick to it.

You may not get there, but the journey will be incredible.

I don't like that one.

Before I got with you I didn't know anything.

Oh, I remember, Derek, don't you worry.

You taught me everything. The capital cities.

Which shaped glass to use for which drink.

It's not squash it's cordial.

And, also, Weetabix.

Wash the bowl straightaway

because the longer you leave it, he worse it gets.

You've changed my life, darling.

And I've changed your life...

-..haven't I?

-Yes, Derek. You certainly have.

-FRONT DOOR OPENS

-Well, happy Easter, Cathy!

Oh, Happy Easter.

-You look nice in that.

-Oh. OK.

I think you're really pretty.

Oh, thanks.

I find it a bit confusing.

Have a lovely day on your own.

-I will.

-But if you touch my Easter eggs, I'll kill you.

THEY LAUGH

No, seriously. Don't touch my Easter eggs.

I won't, love.

No, but, seriously, Cathy. Don't touch my Easter eggs.

Seriously. Because I'll know.

OK.

No, but just, seriously, don't even think about touching them. Please.

Because I really don't want to get mad at you.

I promise you I won't go anywhere near your Easter eggs.

Cool.

Bye.

Bye, Mum.

Bye, love.

Bye, guys! Enjoy your me-time!

I will.

-You forgot these.

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, please.

Give it ten years, he'll be knee deep in his secretary.

-Pauline!

-Not all men are like that.

The good-looking ones are.

Well, I've never cheated on anyone.

-I'm just going to, erm...

-Yes.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Nice to see Lyn.

-Yeah.

It's funny really bec...

One minute.

-What was funny?

-No, no, I was just thinking - Lyn, a grandma.

Of all people.

Yeah.

Kelly was going to get me a pair.

Oh, right.

Did Lyn have much to say?

-No. Keith was in the car so... And Pauline was being funny.

-Why?

Derek and Lyn had a little thing, didn't they? Ages ago.

After you split up with her.

Oh, they did, they did!

But that was 40 years ago.

Oh, I know. Like he'd still have feelings for her after 40 years.

-Are you going to head off to your mum then?

-Yeah. Yeah. I should.

Jason and Kelly are going to clear out the room tomorrow.

Yeah. That's nice of them, isn't it?

Yeah.

They're going to a party at Kelly's auntie.

Do you remember that Easter me and Dave had a big party?

I do, it got messy.

I fell asleep there.

Yeah. I was thinking, though, actually...

..it was nice of Jason and Kelly to think of us.

-Oh, very nice.

-Yeah.

I mean, in fact, you know,

it was so nice, I was thinking it would be nice if we thought of them.

-OK.

-And maybe saved them the bother of saving us

the bother of clearing out the front room.

But Jason seems very keen on doing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, obviously, you know if you need to see your sister...

No, no.

-If it's a time for families...

-No. They'd just annoy me.

SHE LAUGHS

Well, we should do it, then. Save them the bother.

It's either that or I sit on the sofa and decompose.

-Do you mind?

-No. No.

Well, it might be nice, two of us. No-one to get in the way.

Yeah.

-Yes, of course!

-Great. Thanks.

Absolutely. Yes. No problem at all. The more, the merrier.

-You sure? There was a bit of a silence there.

-No! No. Not at all.

-Was there?

-No! No!

-We've got to wait for the AA.

-And I am not getting on a bus.

-You can't expect Pauline

-to get on a bus.

-If I want to catch a disease,

I'll get on a bus, but until that day...

SHE LAUGHS

So, it's OK if we stay? You didn't have any plans?

-No. No. No plans at all.

-Great!

Well, this is going to be a bit of a busman's holiday.

-I'm not touching anything dusty.

-OK, I'll do all the dusty stuff.

Steve at work has actually got a dust allergy, so anything dusty...

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottles of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

# When I'm gone, when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #