June Mum


June

Family sitcom. Cathy is having a barbecue. Michael hasn't replied to her email and she wants to know why.


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Transcript


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I went to the cupboard and I'd run out of tea,

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so I went to the shop up there and they didn't have the one that

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I normally get, so I thought, "It's all right, doesn't matter.

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"I'll just get..." You know, whatever it was,

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Tetley's, PG Tips - I can't remember!

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Was it Tetley's?

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No, it was...

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Yes, it was! It was, it was Tetley... No.

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-This is a really boring story, isn't it?

-It's not great.

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SHE CHUCKLES Oh, dear!

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-Michael's here.

-All right, Michael?

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-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

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-Nice hat.

-Thank you.

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So, I went online to see what tea I could get online...

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-Are you still going on about the tea?

-I haven't told Michael yet!

-Hey, Reg.

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You see these idiots,

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going for their runs and giving up smoking

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and cutting down on the booze,

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and all for an extra ten years of living like that.

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I mean, honestly, what's the point?

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So...that's...40p a box less.

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120 tea bags per box.

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So, per tea bag, that's...

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Take off the noughts...

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-No idea!

-That's a third of a penny.

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-That was a really bad story, wasn't it?

-Terrible, completely terrible.

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-You had a good week?

-Yeah. Mm-hmm.

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Cleaned my car.

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HE CHUCKLES GENTLY

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-Mm!

-SHE CHUCKLES

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-How's your mum?

-She's fine.

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She got an e-mail from a Nigerian prince.

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-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

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All she's got to do is send him her bank details

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and he'll give her £100 million.

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-SHE LAUGHS Stroke of luck!

-I know.

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So, erm, did you get my e-mail?

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-DOOR SLAMS

-Cathy!

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-I got the barbecue out!

-Oh.

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Barbecues get so dirty, don't they?

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They're worse than ovens!

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You-You've got a bit of black on your, erm...

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-Gone?

-I think you better pop upstairs, love,

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and wash it properly.

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Hi. You found the barbecue, then?

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THEY GIGGLE

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-No, stop touching it, love!

-Sorry!

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STILL LAUGHING

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Oh, no!

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-He's an estate agent - he's lying.

-He's not lying.

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He's a nice person.

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He puts smiley faces at the ends of his e-mails.

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Oh, sorry!

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-Does that actually fit you?

-Yeah.

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Aw!

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SHE GIGGLES

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Ooh!

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Why would an estate agent lie?

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Because estate agents aren't like you and me, babe,

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they're really, really horrible people.

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-Oh, I didn't see that arrive.

-Oh, that's strange.

-Yeah! Yeah.

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Cathy, erm...

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No, it's, erm, it's sort of like a garden centre, erm,

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this link that I sent you in the e-mail,

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but it's lots of other things.

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-I mean, they've got a nice big cafe, and...

-Yeah.

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..and I just wondered if you'd heard of it, nothing else.

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I was thinking it might do me good, erm, to get out a bit.

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-Yeah, absolutely, uh, I just...

-No, it doesn't matter.

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It doesn't matter. It's, erm...

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No. It...doesn't matter. Er...

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This might be the tea!

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God knows how long it's been there!

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SHE SIGHS

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# I got my ticket for the long way round

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# Two bottle o' whisky for the way

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# And I sure would like some sweet company

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# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

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# You're gonna miss me by my hair

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# You're gonna miss me everywhere

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# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

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# I got my ticket for the long way round

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# The one with the prettiest view

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# It's got mountains it's got rivers

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# It's got woods that'll give you shivers

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# But it sure would be prettier with you

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Well, it's exciting about this flat.

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-We both got one!

-Lovely.

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They were made by mountain people.

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-That's nice to know.

-Mm!

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HE CHORTLES

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-PUTTING ON SCOTTISH ACCENT

-"Your mum"!

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HE CHUCKLES

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It's the way you say it, mate!

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"How's your mum?"

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"Do you think she needs to get out a bit more?"

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No, but how is she, is she OK?

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"Is she OK?"

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Can you do an impression of me?

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-No!

-No!

-No.

-No, no, go on!

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-STILL IMITATING MICHAEL

-I don't mind!

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-IN SILLY ENGLISH ACCENT

-Hello, I'm Jason!

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That's nothing like me!

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-STILL IN SCOTTISH ACCENT

-Say something else!

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Hello, I'm Jason, and...

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JASON LAUGHING

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I'm wearing a silly 'at!

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BOTH CHUCKLING

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What d'you mean?

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You excited about this flat, then?

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Yeah.

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It'll be like...

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It'll be nice doing our, like, own thing, and we won't have

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to worry about, like, waking anyone up in the morning.

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Oh, I don't mind. I'm always up.

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Or, like, hurrying in the shower.

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You don't have to hurry, there's plenty of hot water.

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Or, like, not using the toilet sometimes

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because someone's done a really smelly poo.

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-Put that down, love.

-Yes.

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Jason's sorting out the barbecue,

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but I've got some dips here to keep you going.

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-Dips?

-Yeah.

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-What's she saying now?

-She's got dips!

-She's got what?

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-Dips.

-Dips?

-Dips!

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-What's dips?!

-Oh, you know, we've had them here before,

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it's, like, different sauces and you dip your crisps in them.

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It's like a what?

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It's like sauces.

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Dips?

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-Never heard of it.

-No, you've had them here before, Maureen.

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-You put your crisps in it.

-What crisps?

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They're not fucking crisps!

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Is there anything else I can get for you?

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-You got raisins, Cathy?

-Raisins? Erm....

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Oh, forget it.

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-Has she got any raisins?

-Don't ask.

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Imagine a house without raisins!

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Ah, no.

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Eurgh!

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Try that.

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Oh!

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What is it?

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It's...dips.

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THEY SIGH

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Oh...it's revolting.

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Oh, Jesus.

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Oh. Everything all right out there?

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-Yeah. No, erm, your e-mail...

-Yeah.

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-Very nice.

-Thanks!

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No, it's nice, that garden centre.

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-Yeah, I-I thought it looked, you know...

-It sounds...

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..pathetic, but...

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Do you remember when me and Abi were getting divorced,

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and...there was a guy...

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DOOR SLAMS

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-Fire's going.

-Ah.

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Babe?

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JASON CHUCKLES

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-I'll get the beers.

-Oh, thanks, mate.

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They were made by mountain people.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah, they've actually got the name of the person

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-who made them on the label.

-Mm.

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I think mine was made by a child, because the handwriting's terrible.

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-Aw, that's cute.

-DOORBELL RINGS

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Yeah!

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That'll be from the swimming.

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Yeah, could be.

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-They reckon it gets sunny later.

-Mm.

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-Does my hair look OK?

-Yes, it's fantastic.

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They might be round the back.

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-Hello!

-Hello! Come in, come in!

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-Nice day?

-Yeah, we took Danielle to the golf club, didn't we?

-Yes.

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Oh! Hello, love.

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-I like your hair.

-Thanks.

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-And...she's had her tongue pierced.

-Oh!

-Come on, Dan.

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Oh, ouch!

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-We took her to have it done, didn't we?

-Yes.

-Hello, Dan!

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-You look amazing!

-Go in and say hello, go on.

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Hi, Jason.

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-She's just different.

-Yeah.

-Isn't she?

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Oh, she's very different. Yes.

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This is Derek's daughter, Danielle.

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-Jesus!

-What the fuck is that?

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These are my dad's parents.

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What, Derek's got a daughter?

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-Is it all right if Danielle uses your loo?

-Derek's got a daughter?!

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Yeah, go ahead, love. You don't need to ask.

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Derek's got a daughter?!

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Since when did Derek have a daughter?!

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I think some of the older people

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find it hard to deal with the punk attitude.

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Yeah, course they do. It's anarchic.

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-SPEAKING LOUDLY

-He's got three kids, Nan! You've met them!

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-Who are the mothers?

-Oh, God knows.

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-Some cheap tarts who couldn't keep their legs shut.

-Yeah.

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HE GRUMBLES

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Why did Derek have to have kids?

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Of all the people to make more of,

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why did they have to make more of Derek?

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I'm too hot.

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There are all these ugly people out there, having ugly sex

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with each other,

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-bringing their ugly kids into the world.

-HE SCOFFS

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It's a tragedy.

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It's not fair on the rest of us.

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I mean, what are they thinking?!

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-Family barbecue?

-Yeah!

-Oof.

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I bet that reminds you of your dead husband.

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It's nice of you to take Danielle to the golf club this morning.

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You got vodka?

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-Yes, and tonic, Coke...

-Oh, I won't be needing that.

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-Men round a barbecue!

-Yes!

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I feel like we should be talking about, like, football or cars

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-or something, like Dave used to.

-Mm.

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Or, like, er, what's your favourite sexual position and that.

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Yeah...

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Well, I'll start.

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Woman on top, because you get to see her knockers.

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That's pretty normal, isn't it?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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Jason?

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Are we all doing it?

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Looks like it.

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OK. Well...

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I know it's not very la-di-da,

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but I think there's a lot to be said for the missionary position.

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You know where you are with it.

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You're in and out, there's no theatrics,

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you don't get cramp.

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And also, you get to maintain eye contact throughout.

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Yeah.

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Michael? Favourite sexual position?

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It's been so long, I've forgotten most of them!

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Er...

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Oh, I'd probably be just as happy with a cuddle.

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I'd give you a cuddle.

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I know you would, mate.

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Wouldn't be the same though, would it?

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Nah.

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-Well, that felt good!

-Yeah.

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Yeah, but I'm really excited.

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I can't wait to have the space to unpack some of my crates,

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get all my stuff out.

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Put out my clowns, on, like, a sideboard or something.

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Sorry, love, erm...

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I've got a collection of clowns.

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Right!

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Most of them are really small, but some of them are absolutely massive.

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But can you two keep a secret?

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Yeah. Course we can, can't we?

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-I'll be in there.

-Right.

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-SHE SNORTS

-How funny.

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I've just had a text message from O2

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saying they want to offer me an upgrade.

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Nice.

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They're desperate to keep me.

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You going to get one?

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No, but Jason's being weird.

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About us moving out.

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-I think he just doesn't trust this estate agent...

-No, it's...

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-Oh!

-Sorry!

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I just touched your bosom!

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-Yeah!

-I don't know if this is an inappropriate thing to say

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to your boyfriend's mum, but you've got really lovely bosoms!

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Have another feel.

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I'm joking.

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Thank God for that!

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Because I actually had this dream where you had this...

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Yeah, are you sure you should be telling me?

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No.

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I'm glad I took her to the golf club, because it's nice for her

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-to see how well her dad's doing.

-Yeah.

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And while Pauline was in the loo, I actually introduced Danielle

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to Sir Nicholas, who chairs the committee.

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You did what?

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Yeah! We showed him her piercing.

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-You did fucking what?!

-DOOR SLAMS

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-The burgers are going on.

-Great.

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Dave always used to put them on first, because...

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Because everyone gets hungry, don't they,

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waiting for the chicken to cook?

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That sounds like a saying, doesn't it?!

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There's a lot of truth in that.

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I'm sorry about the e-mail.

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No! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

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It's just me.

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Just me being...pathetic.

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It's just...that guy still works there.

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Oh, God. Yeah.

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Some places get sort of...

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-poisoned by memories.

-Yeah.

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By our age, you can barely go anywhere.

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It's been 11 years!

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Yeah, but that doesn't stop you feeling something.

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No. No, no, it doesn't.

0:16:290:16:31

But you were just sending me a link to a garden centre.

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-Yeah, yeah, it's just a link, that's all.

-Right.

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You didn't want me to come, or...?

0:16:400:16:43

-No, no, no, of course not, no.

-No?

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I wouldn't want to put you out.

0:16:450:16:47

No. Of course. Great.

0:16:470:16:49

I'll just go, er...

0:16:490:16:51

If my kid looked like that, Derek,

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I'd either, A, lock her in a cupboard,

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or, B, choke her to death.

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-Reg!

-That's a bit harsh!

-Well...

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You shouldn't judge women on their appearance.

0:17:070:17:10

Well, you've got to judge them on something.

0:17:100:17:12

-Can I put that in the bin?

-Ah! Now...

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-That goes in the bin, yeah?

-Yeah.

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Right. Excuse me.

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Pauline?

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Pauline?

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< Finished with the crisps, Reg?

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Pauline!

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HE CHUCKLES

0:17:390:17:41

-You all right, darling? You seen Pauline?

-I think she's out there.

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-Um, look at this.

-One minute, Dan.

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Right, Pauline.

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This is a plastic tray of dips

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and I've - well, we've all had some,

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but it's finished - and Cathy takes it off me,

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-and she says she's going to put it in the bin.

-OK.

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A piece of hard plastic, in the bin.

0:18:010:18:04

-Yes?

-Because, the other night,

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you said hard plastic goes in the recycling.

0:18:050:18:08

-I said it goes in the bin.

-No, you didn't!

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-You said it goes in the recycling!

-No, Derek,

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YOU said it goes in the recycling, because it was me that had to

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take it out of the recycling and put it in the bin.

0:18:150:18:17

Oh, yeah.

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-QUIETLY:

-Bollocks.

0:18:260:18:27

Hey, Dad, look at this.

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-Yeah, that's great, love.

-The singer's in my class.

0:18:380:18:41

-You all right, Derek?

-Yeah. Really good, yeah.

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-Top of the world, mate.

-Hm!

0:18:490:18:51

-You OK? What was all that about?

-Oh, nothing, no.

0:19:030:19:06

-Just wanted to put it in the bin for you.

-Oh, thanks.

0:19:060:19:09

He also recycles his toothbrushes.

0:19:090:19:11

I mean, honestly. I wonder why I put up with him.

0:19:110:19:13

Oh, God! Shit! No, Pauline!

0:19:150:19:18

-Satan?

-Yeah.

0:19:200:19:21

But why would you want to be the bride of Satan?

0:19:240:19:28

He'd be, like, the worst husband ever.

0:19:280:19:30

I just hate all humans.

0:19:300:19:31

No!

0:19:330:19:35

Yeah.

0:19:350:19:37

-Blimey.

-Yeah.

0:19:370:19:40

That's so many people, though.

0:19:420:19:44

They're all scum.

0:19:450:19:47

What about your mum and dad?

0:19:500:19:52

Well, I definitely hate my mum,

0:19:520:19:55

because she's basically a bitch.

0:19:550:19:57

Well, when you're older,

0:19:580:19:59

you can show your mum and move into your own place.

0:19:590:20:02

-PAULINE:

-Derek!

-Yeah.

0:20:020:20:04

- Do you like... - Derek!

0:20:040:20:07

Oh, I'm just trying to think of someone that's impossible to hate.

0:20:070:20:10

Do you like...

0:20:120:20:14

..Holly Willoughby?

0:20:150:20:17

I hate her.

0:20:180:20:20

Shut up!

0:20:200:20:22

-I didn't break it.

-No, she didn't.

0:20:220:20:24

-It broke beneath her.

-No.

-No.

-It was already broken.

0:20:240:20:27

Broken for years.

0:20:270:20:29

-Yes.

-God, I'm so sorry, Pauline.

0:20:290:20:31

-It isn't an excuse to touch me.

-Sorry.

0:20:310:20:33

You might want to get yourself to the garden centre, Cath,

0:20:330:20:36

get some new chairs.

0:20:360:20:37

-Oh, OK, yeah.

-Come on, then, babe, let's sit you down.

0:20:370:20:41

-Don't call me babe.

-Sorry, angel.

0:20:410:20:43

Oh, for God's sake, Derek, I've got a name.

0:20:430:20:45

-They all right?

-Um...

0:20:460:20:48

One of my chairs broke and Pauline went flying.

0:20:480:20:51

-I'd liked to have seen that.

-Me too!

0:20:520:20:55

Here, you might want this.

0:20:570:21:00

-It's a good offer.

-Oh, yeah! Yeah, thanks. Thank you. Er...

0:21:000:21:04

Yeah, it's funny, that. They're...

0:21:070:21:10

..saying I should go to a garden centre and get some new chairs!

0:21:100:21:15

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

0:21:150:21:17

Well, I mean, maybe they're right.

0:21:170:21:19

I mean, maybe it would be good to get some new chairs.

0:21:190:21:22

I mean, that's still the stuff that me and Dave got,

0:21:220:21:25

when we moved in, so...

0:21:250:21:27

Do you fancy, erm...

0:21:310:21:33

You fancy helping?

0:21:350:21:37

Yeah.

0:21:390:21:41

-I mean, we-we wouldn't have to go to that one.

-No, no.

-Yeah!

0:21:410:21:45

We could grab a bite to eat, you know,

0:21:450:21:48

if we happen to be there at lunchtime, and...

0:21:480:21:51

-Yeah, OK.

-And if we don't find any decent furniture on the first go,

0:21:520:21:57

I mean, there's plenty of different garden centres, aren't there?

0:21:570:22:01

Well, obviously, I'd have to...

0:22:010:22:04

-check my diary.

-Oh, yeah. No, me too, obviously.

0:22:040:22:08

Make sure I'm not supposed to be...

0:22:080:22:10

sitting on the sofa or looking in the fridge.

0:22:100:22:14

I don't know if we should tell anyone.

0:22:200:22:22

No.

0:22:250:22:26

No.

0:22:260:22:28

-I mean, it's just... It's just going to a garden centre, isn't it?

-Yeah!

0:22:280:22:32

-It's just a garden centre!

-Yeah!

0:22:320:22:35

DOOR OPENS

0:22:360:22:37

-Burgers are ready!

-Oh.

0:22:370:22:40

-You put the burgers on first and you eat them.

-OK.

0:22:440:22:47

So you're not getting hungry

0:22:470:22:48

while you're waiting for the chicken to cook.

0:22:480:22:51

-Blowing my mind.

-And your dad thought of that himself?

-Yeah.

0:22:510:22:54

-That's who you get your brains from.

-That guy was a genius.

0:22:540:22:57

-Oh, that's my one.

-Oh, sorry.

0:22:570:22:59

I was just telling them about Dad's barbecue tactics.

0:22:590:23:01

-Oh, yeah, he used to put the burgers...

-Shut up a minute.

0:23:010:23:04

He put the burgers on first...

0:23:040:23:06

They're talking about David.

0:23:060:23:08

-Whassat?

-Outside.

0:23:080:23:10

They're talking about David.

0:23:110:23:13

-He loved a barbecue.

-Yeah!

0:23:150:23:18

Yeah.

0:23:360:23:38

You going outside?

0:23:470:23:49

No.

0:23:500:23:51

I hate burgers.

0:23:510:23:53

Aren't you going to go outside?

0:23:560:23:58

You've dropped a stitch.

0:24:260:24:28

Have I?

0:24:280:24:29

Here.

0:24:350:24:36

And then - and only then - he put the chicken on.

0:24:390:24:44

- Yeah, I remember. - It's beautiful.

0:24:450:24:46

-Yeah.

-Take a seat, mate.

-Cheers.

0:24:460:24:49

-And he was the king of the barbecue banter.

-Mm.

0:24:490:24:53

-You and him had some great banter, didn't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:24:530:24:56

-His impressions of Michael were legendary. Weren't they, Mum?

-Yeah!

0:24:560:25:00

New question.

0:25:000:25:01

-At what point did he put the sausages on?

-Oh.

0:25:010:25:05

-The sausages, now, that's a whole other story.

-Oh, fantastic!

0:25:050:25:08

I can't wait to hear this!

0:25:080:25:10

My dad, your grandad, he was a legend at cooking sausages.

0:25:100:25:13

-Was he?

-Oh, he was a master at it.

0:25:130:25:15

-He knew all the tricks.

-My dad,

0:25:150:25:17

he was all about the regularity of the heat.

0:25:170:25:20

-Oh, it is all about the heat, definitely.

-Yeah.

0:25:200:25:22

-But it's also about the cold.

-Go on.

0:25:220:25:24

SPEECH FADES

0:25:240:25:26

# I got my ticket for the long way round

0:25:310:25:35

# Two bottle of whisky for the way

0:25:350:25:38

# And I sure would like some sweet company

0:25:380:25:42

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

0:25:420:25:45

# When I'm gone When I'm gone

0:25:450:25:50

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

0:25:500:25:53

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

0:25:530:25:55

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

0:25:550:25:57

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

0:25:570:26:00

Cathy is having a barbecue. Michael hasn't replied to her email and she wants to know why.


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