June Mum

I went to the cupboard and I'd run out of tea,

so I went to the shop up there and they didn't have the one that

I normally get, so I thought, "It's all right, doesn't matter.

"I'll just get..." You know, whatever it was,

Tetley's, PG Tips - I can't remember!

Was it Tetley's?

No, it was...

Yes, it was! It was, it was Tetley... No.

-This is a really boring story, isn't it?

-It's not great.

SHE CHUCKLES Oh, dear!

-Michael's here.

-All right, Michael?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

-Nice hat.

-Thank you.

So, I went online to see what tea I could get online...

-Are you still going on about the tea?

-I haven't told Michael yet!

-Hey, Reg.

You see these idiots,

going for their runs and giving up smoking

and cutting down on the booze,

and all for an extra ten years of living like that.

I mean, honestly, what's the point?

So...that's...40p a box less.

120 tea bags per box.

So, per tea bag, that's...

Take off the noughts...

-No idea!

-That's a third of a penny.

-That was a really bad story, wasn't it?

-Terrible, completely terrible.

-You had a good week?

-Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Cleaned my car.

HE CHUCKLES GENTLY

-Mm!

-SHE CHUCKLES

-How's your mum?

-She's fine.

She got an e-mail from a Nigerian prince.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

All she's got to do is send him her bank details

and he'll give her £100 million.

-SHE LAUGHS Stroke of luck!

-I know.

So, erm, did you get my e-mail?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Cathy!

-I got the barbecue out!

-Oh.

Barbecues get so dirty, don't they?

They're worse than ovens!

You-You've got a bit of black on your, erm...

-Gone?

-I think you better pop upstairs, love,

and wash it properly.

Hi. You found the barbecue, then?

THEY GIGGLE

-No, stop touching it, love!

-Sorry!

STILL LAUGHING

Oh, no!

-He's an estate agent - he's lying.

-He's not lying.

He's a nice person.

He puts smiley faces at the ends of his e-mails.

Oh, sorry!

-Does that actually fit you?

-Yeah.

Aw!

SHE GIGGLES

Ooh!

Why would an estate agent lie?

Because estate agents aren't like you and me, babe,

they're really, really horrible people.

-Oh, I didn't see that arrive.

-Oh, that's strange.

-Yeah! Yeah.

Cathy, erm...

No, it's, erm, it's sort of like a garden centre, erm,

this link that I sent you in the e-mail,

but it's lots of other things.

-I mean, they've got a nice big cafe, and...

-Yeah.

..and I just wondered if you'd heard of it, nothing else.

I was thinking it might do me good, erm, to get out a bit.

-Yeah, absolutely, uh, I just...

-No, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It's, erm...

No. It...doesn't matter. Er...

This might be the tea!

God knows how long it's been there!

SHE SIGHS

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle o' whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains it's got rivers

# It's got woods that'll give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

This programme contains some strong language.

Well, it's exciting about this flat.

-We both got one!

-Lovely.

They were made by mountain people.

-That's nice to know.

-Mm!

HE CHORTLES

-PUTTING ON SCOTTISH ACCENT

-"Your mum"!

HE CHUCKLES

It's the way you say it, mate!

"How's your mum?"

"Do you think she needs to get out a bit more?"

No, but how is she, is she OK?

"Is she OK?"

Can you do an impression of me?

-No!

-No!

-No.

-No, no, go on!

-STILL IMITATING MICHAEL

-I don't mind!

-IN SILLY ENGLISH ACCENT

-Hello, I'm Jason!

That's nothing like me!

-STILL IN SCOTTISH ACCENT

-Say something else!

Hello, I'm Jason, and...

JASON LAUGHING

I'm wearing a silly 'at!

BOTH CHUCKLING

What d'you mean?

You excited about this flat, then?

Yeah.

It'll be like...

It'll be nice doing our, like, own thing, and we won't have

to worry about, like, waking anyone up in the morning.

Oh, I don't mind. I'm always up.

Or, like, hurrying in the shower.

You don't have to hurry, there's plenty of hot water.

Or, like, not using the toilet sometimes

because someone's done a really smelly poo.

-Put that down, love.

-Yes.

Jason's sorting out the barbecue,

but I've got some dips here to keep you going.

-Dips?

-Yeah.

-What's she saying now?

-She's got dips!

-She's got what?

-Dips.

-Dips?

-Dips!

-What's dips?!

-Oh, you know, we've had them here before,

it's, like, different sauces and you dip your crisps in them.

It's like a what?

It's like sauces.

Dips?

-Never heard of it.

-No, you've had them here before, Maureen.

-You put your crisps in it.

-What crisps?

They're not fucking crisps!

Is there anything else I can get for you?

-You got raisins, Cathy?

-Raisins? Erm....

Oh, forget it.

-Has she got any raisins?

-Don't ask.

Imagine a house without raisins!

Ah, no.

Eurgh!

Try that.

Oh!

What is it?

It's...dips.

THEY SIGH

Oh...it's revolting.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh. Everything all right out there?

-Yeah. No, erm, your e-mail...

-Yeah.

-Very nice.

-Thanks!

No, it's nice, that garden centre.

-Yeah, I-I thought it looked, you know...

-It sounds...

..pathetic, but...

Do you remember when me and Abi were getting divorced,

and...there was a guy...

DOOR SLAMS

-Fire's going.

-Ah.

Babe?

JASON CHUCKLES

-I'll get the beers.

-Oh, thanks, mate.

They were made by mountain people.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, they've actually got the name of the person

-who made them on the label.

-Mm.

I think mine was made by a child, because the handwriting's terrible.

-Aw, that's cute.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Yeah!

That'll be from the swimming.

Yeah, could be.

-They reckon it gets sunny later.

-Mm.

-Does my hair look OK?

-Yes, it's fantastic.

They might be round the back.

-Hello!

-Hello! Come in, come in!

-Nice day?

-Yeah, we took Danielle to the golf club, didn't we?

-Yes.

Oh! Hello, love.

-I like your hair.

-Thanks.

-And...she's had her tongue pierced.

-Oh!

-Come on, Dan.

Oh, ouch!

-We took her to have it done, didn't we?

-Yes.

-Hello, Dan!

-You look amazing!

-Go in and say hello, go on.

Hi, Jason.

-She's just different.

-Yeah.

-Isn't she?

Oh, she's very different. Yes.

This is Derek's daughter, Danielle.

-Jesus!

-What the fuck is that?

These are my dad's parents.

What, Derek's got a daughter?

-Is it all right if Danielle uses your loo?

-Derek's got a daughter?!

Yeah, go ahead, love. You don't need to ask.

Derek's got a daughter?!

Since when did Derek have a daughter?!

I think some of the older people

find it hard to deal with the punk attitude.

Yeah, course they do. It's anarchic.

-SPEAKING LOUDLY

-He's got three kids, Nan! You've met them!

-Who are the mothers?

-Oh, God knows.

-Some cheap tarts who couldn't keep their legs shut.

-Yeah.

HE GRUMBLES

Why did Derek have to have kids?

Of all the people to make more of,

why did they have to make more of Derek?

I'm too hot.

There are all these ugly people out there, having ugly sex

with each other,

-bringing their ugly kids into the world.

-HE SCOFFS

It's a tragedy.

It's not fair on the rest of us.

I mean, what are they thinking?!

-Family barbecue?

-Yeah!

-Oof.

I bet that reminds you of your dead husband.

It's nice of you to take Danielle to the golf club this morning.

You got vodka?

-Yes, and tonic, Coke...

-Oh, I won't be needing that.

-Men round a barbecue!

-Yes!

I feel like we should be talking about, like, football or cars

-or something, like Dave used to.

-Mm.

Or, like, er, what's your favourite sexual position and that.

Yeah...

Well, I'll start.

Woman on top, because you get to see her knockers.

That's pretty normal, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Jason?

Are we all doing it?

Looks like it.

OK. Well...

I know it's not very la-di-da,

but I think there's a lot to be said for the missionary position.

You know where you are with it.

You're in and out, there's no theatrics,

you don't get cramp.

And also, you get to maintain eye contact throughout.

Yeah.

Michael? Favourite sexual position?

It's been so long, I've forgotten most of them!

Er...

Oh, I'd probably be just as happy with a cuddle.

I'd give you a cuddle.

I know you would, mate.

Wouldn't be the same though, would it?

Nah.

-Well, that felt good!

-Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm really excited.

I can't wait to have the space to unpack some of my crates,

get all my stuff out.

Put out my clowns, on, like, a sideboard or something.

Sorry, love, erm...

I've got a collection of clowns.

Right!

Most of them are really small, but some of them are absolutely massive.

But can you two keep a secret?

Yeah. Course we can, can't we?

-I'll be in there.

-Right.

-SHE SNORTS

-How funny.

I've just had a text message from O2

saying they want to offer me an upgrade.

Nice.

They're desperate to keep me.

You going to get one?

No, but Jason's being weird.

About us moving out.

-I think he just doesn't trust this estate agent...

-No, it's...

-Oh!

-Sorry!

I just touched your bosom!

-Yeah!

-I don't know if this is an inappropriate thing to say

to your boyfriend's mum, but you've got really lovely bosoms!

Have another feel.

I'm joking.

Thank God for that!

Because I actually had this dream where you had this...

Yeah, are you sure you should be telling me?

No.

I'm glad I took her to the golf club, because it's nice for her

-to see how well her dad's doing.

-Yeah.

And while Pauline was in the loo, I actually introduced Danielle

to Sir Nicholas, who chairs the committee.

You did what?

Yeah! We showed him her piercing.

-You did fucking what?!

-DOOR SLAMS

-The burgers are going on.

-Great.

Dave always used to put them on first, because...

Because everyone gets hungry, don't they,

waiting for the chicken to cook?

That sounds like a saying, doesn't it?!

There's a lot of truth in that.

I'm sorry about the e-mail.

No! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's just me.

Just me being...pathetic.

It's just...that guy still works there.

Oh, God. Yeah.

Some places get sort of...

-poisoned by memories.

-Yeah.

By our age, you can barely go anywhere.

It's been 11 years!

Yeah, but that doesn't stop you feeling something.

No. No, no, it doesn't.

But you were just sending me a link to a garden centre.

-Yeah, yeah, it's just a link, that's all.

-Right.

You didn't want me to come, or...?

-No, no, no, of course not, no.

-No?

I wouldn't want to put you out.

No. Of course. Great.

I'll just go, er...

If my kid looked like that, Derek,

I'd either, A, lock her in a cupboard,

or, B, choke her to death.

-Reg!

-That's a bit harsh!

-Well...

You shouldn't judge women on their appearance.

Well, you've got to judge them on something.

-Can I put that in the bin?

-Ah! Now...

-That goes in the bin, yeah?

-Yeah.

Right. Excuse me.

Pauline?

Pauline?

< Finished with the crisps, Reg?

Pauline!

HE CHUCKLES

-You all right, darling? You seen Pauline?

-I think she's out there.

-Um, look at this.

-One minute, Dan.

Right, Pauline.

This is a plastic tray of dips

and I've - well, we've all had some,

but it's finished - and Cathy takes it off me,

-and she says she's going to put it in the bin.

-OK.

A piece of hard plastic, in the bin.

-Yes?

-Because, the other night,

you said hard plastic goes in the recycling.

-I said it goes in the bin.

-No, you didn't!

-You said it goes in the recycling!

-No, Derek,

YOU said it goes in the recycling, because it was me that had to

take it out of the recycling and put it in the bin.

Oh, yeah.

-QUIETLY:

-Bollocks.

Hey, Dad, look at this.

-Yeah, that's great, love.

-The singer's in my class.

-You all right, Derek?

-Yeah. Really good, yeah.

-Top of the world, mate.

-Hm!

-You OK? What was all that about?

-Oh, nothing, no.

-Just wanted to put it in the bin for you.

-Oh, thanks.

He also recycles his toothbrushes.

I mean, honestly. I wonder why I put up with him.

Oh, God! Shit! No, Pauline!

-Satan?

-Yeah.

But why would you want to be the bride of Satan?

He'd be, like, the worst husband ever.

I just hate all humans.

No!

Yeah.

-Blimey.

-Yeah.

That's so many people, though.

They're all scum.

What about your mum and dad?

Well, I definitely hate my mum,

because she's basically a bitch.

Well, when you're older,

you can show your mum and move into your own place.

-PAULINE:

-Derek!

-Yeah.

- Do you like... - Derek!

Oh, I'm just trying to think of someone that's impossible to hate.

Do you like...

..Holly Willoughby?

I hate her.

Shut up!

-I didn't break it.

-No, she didn't.

-It broke beneath her.

-No.

-No.

-It was already broken.

Broken for years.

-Yes.

-God, I'm so sorry, Pauline.

-It isn't an excuse to touch me.

-Sorry.

You might want to get yourself to the garden centre, Cath,

get some new chairs.

-Oh, OK, yeah.

-Come on, then, babe, let's sit you down.

-Don't call me babe.

-Sorry, angel.

Oh, for God's sake, Derek, I've got a name.

-They all right?

-Um...

One of my chairs broke and Pauline went flying.

-I'd liked to have seen that.

-Me too!

Here, you might want this.

-It's a good offer.

-Oh, yeah! Yeah, thanks. Thank you. Er...

Yeah, it's funny, that. They're...

..saying I should go to a garden centre and get some new chairs!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

Well, I mean, maybe they're right.

I mean, maybe it would be good to get some new chairs.

I mean, that's still the stuff that me and Dave got,

when we moved in, so...

Do you fancy, erm...

You fancy helping?

Yeah.

-I mean, we-we wouldn't have to go to that one.

-No, no.

-Yeah!

We could grab a bite to eat, you know,

if we happen to be there at lunchtime, and...

-Yeah, OK.

-And if we don't find any decent furniture on the first go,

I mean, there's plenty of different garden centres, aren't there?

Well, obviously, I'd have to...

-check my diary.

-Oh, yeah. No, me too, obviously.

Make sure I'm not supposed to be...

sitting on the sofa or looking in the fridge.

I don't know if we should tell anyone.

No.

No.

-I mean, it's just... It's just going to a garden centre, isn't it?

-Yeah!

-It's just a garden centre!

-Yeah!

DOOR OPENS

-Burgers are ready!

-Oh.

-You put the burgers on first and you eat them.

-OK.

So you're not getting hungry

while you're waiting for the chicken to cook.

-Blowing my mind.

-And your dad thought of that himself?

-Yeah.

-That's who you get your brains from.

-That guy was a genius.

-Oh, that's my one.

-Oh, sorry.

I was just telling them about Dad's barbecue tactics.

-Oh, yeah, he used to put the burgers...

-Shut up a minute.

He put the burgers on first...

They're talking about David.

-Whassat?

-Outside.

They're talking about David.

-He loved a barbecue.

-Yeah!

Yeah.

You going outside?

No.

I hate burgers.

Aren't you going to go outside?

You've dropped a stitch.

Have I?

Here.

And then - and only then - he put the chicken on.

- Yeah, I remember. - It's beautiful.

-Yeah.

-Take a seat, mate.

-Cheers.

-And he was the king of the barbecue banter.

-Mm.

-You and him had some great banter, didn't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-His impressions of Michael were legendary. Weren't they, Mum?

-Yeah!

New question.

-At what point did he put the sausages on?

-Oh.

-The sausages, now, that's a whole other story.

-Oh, fantastic!

I can't wait to hear this!

My dad, your grandad, he was a legend at cooking sausages.

-Was he?

-Oh, he was a master at it.

-He knew all the tricks.

-My dad,

he was all about the regularity of the heat.

-Oh, it is all about the heat, definitely.

-Yeah.

-But it's also about the cold.

-Go on.

SPEECH FADES

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

# When I'm gone When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #