July Mum

This programme contains some strong language

KNOCKING

Cathy...

Ca-thy...

-Cathy.

-Oh!

Morning!

Hey, you, Kelly. You OK?

Yeah. It's six o'clock.

I was going to come in at five, but I thought I'd let you sleep.

-Thanks.

-We're going on holiday today.

Sorry, love, what time is it?

Six?

Quarter to six? Might be a little bit earlier.

-WHISPERS:

-Kelly.

It's all right, babe, she's woken up.

We're going Cyprus today, Mum.

It's actually one country, but it's literally split down the middle.

-They had a civil war.

-It's a nation divided.

Whose side are you on, Mum, the Greeks' or the Turks'?

Can we talk about this later, love,

-when I've had a bit of a chance to wake up?

-Yeah.

I've never watched you get out of bed before.

-Shall I wait downstairs?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

-Bye!

-Bye.

When we've gone through a security, babe, should we get some breakfast

-at this seafood bar?

-Seafood bar?

-Yeah!

-Hello again, Cathy.

-Hello.

-You really needed that wee, didn't you?

-Yeah.

I thought you were never going to finish.

So, yesterday, in Sainsbury's, Marsha was quite literally

sneezing everywhere.

And then Ronald's going "Why would you make the bakery smaller?"

And then Omar being Omar, he was all, "Oh, no, I'm Omar.

"Don't listen to anyone apart from Neil Kevin Ricardo.

"Look at me, I'm Joyce. I'm the till supervisor

"and basically I am as slow as a slug. And my husband comes in..."

Sorry. "..and my husband comes in and does his shopping

"and we act like we don't know each other."

Whereas I like to take my time with the customers and ask them about their day and sort of question

whether they really need everything they're buying.

Sorry, I've forgotten what I was saying.

Don't worry, love, I wasn't listening.

SHE GIGGLES

-So we got the aftersun?

-Check.

-Towels for the deckchairs?

-Check.

Jackets in case we leave the hotel?

Why would we leave the hotel?

Yeah.

-Your mum's bringing over your passport.

-Oh!

You've got your Marmite...

I've got my loo rolls, protein powder and...bumbag?

In your cupboard.

-Thanks, Mum!

-Aw...

Thanks, Cathy! SHE GASPS

-No, just keep still. Let's...

-Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, it's all right. Can you just...?

-Oh, my God, no. I'm so sorry, Cathy.

-I'm so, so sorry.

-It's all right.

-Look at all the...

SHE GIGGLES I'm crying over spilt milk.

-Yeah. Just pass me the tea towel.

-It's basically hilarious.

-It is!

-I'm crying over spilt milk! SHE LAUGHS

-Can you pass me the...?

-Can I tell Jason?

-Yeah!

-Jason!

-Jason! Jason!

-Oh, Jesus...

Jason!

Just now, downstairs in the kitchen, I...

-THEY LAUGH

-What?

..I knocked the bottle of milk over and it went everywhere

and I said...

# I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

# Two bottle whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains, it's got rivers

# It's got woods that'll give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

Kelly forgot her passport.

So her mum's bringing it round, so that'll be a lovely start

to the day, and Derek's coming around with the suitcase

because they don't like mine and Jason forgot

his was broken till he tried to do it up...

And he woke me up at quarter past five!

-You OK?

-Yeah, yeah, just got stuck behind the bin men.

Oh, there's always a crisp packet.

Do you want a sniff?

-No, I'm OK thanks.

-Lyn came round with her grandson.

There's about 100 nappies in there. Takes me back.

-Thanks for doing this.

-No. No. I...

I'll be honest with you, Michael, I can't wait for them to be gone.

It's my last day of school... Quarter past five, she came in!

She literally sat on the bed.

I've had a nightmare where that happened.

At least I hope it was a nightmare.

Can you believe I've started saying literally?

Hi, Michael, we've just literally sorting out our liquids.

What they do, Cathy, because basically these days we're

all terrorists whether we want to be or not, they don't let you

-take more than 100ml of any liquid on a plane.

-Yeah, I know.

-Not even water.

-Yeah.

Imagine that, though, babe.

Imagine if a terrorist got on a plane with over 100ml of water.

It doesn't bear thinking about.

All the times I've been on a plane I have...

I'm trying to say the sentence now without saying literally.

I have never fancied eating seafood

just because I'm at an airport.

Once you start saying literally, it's literally impossible to stop.

-You OK?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Oh.

We ran out, so the next day I bought one. Then Kelly got one in

Sainsbury's and Jason got one on his way home from work.

And none of them are Heinz.

We'll have to go back to the garden centre and get another one.

Are you OK? You seem a bit sad.

Did you have a bad night?

My mum died.

Oh, God.

Oh, God I'm so sorry. What happened?

Nothing, really.

Hospital phoned during the night and...she just went.

She didn't...she didn't know so...

..it's probably for the best.

-What are you doing here?

-Mum!

-Don't say anything.

-Cathy, just got a text from a hotel.

-Got some really bad news!

Oh, no, Cathy, our holiday's been cancelled.

Oh, OK. THEY LAUGH

-We're winding you up!

-Classic!

We've got a really cruel sense of humour, babe.

Everyone's like, "Kelly!"

And I'm like, "What?!" and they're like, "You know!"

-And I'm like, "Whatever!"

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Just wait in the car.

-I'm not waiting in the car.

-I'm fucking starving.

-I'll only be couple of minutes.

-She'd better have granola.

-How could anyone not have granola?

-Indeed.

It's actually quite light when it's empty.

Well, it would be, wouldn't it?

Yeah. I suppose it would be.

Oh, hello. Thanks for bringing in this.

It's OK, Cath, my little cherub.

Sorry, it's so early.

-Good time at the theatre?

-Yeah, it was good thanks, yeah.

We got ice cream. They're only little but you can have two.

Oh, it's a different class of person at the theatre.

Everyone's old and they sort of look clever.

-It's a very distinguished crowd.

-Right.

-I wore my glasses, didn't I, help me fit in.

Yes.

What do you listen to in the car?

-What's the name of that Scottish instrument?

-Bagpipes.

Can you play 'em?

Shall we make some room in the boot?

Good morning, Michael, my little cherub. You look rough.

-We went to the theatre last night.

-Did you?

We saw a very long play about the climate change.

Sounds great, mate.

You see, I never would have done that if I hadn't seen a play about climate change.

Very good, Derek.

Just doing my bit to save the universe.

-They can get a cab.

-No, no, it's 40 quid.

-Let me just explain to them...

-Babe! Have you got the hats?

Yeah, I think I'm might wear mine on the plane.

It's very nice, love.

Are you allowed to wear a hat on the plane?

Let me just explain to them...

No, listen, I wanted to say to you first...

You know when things like this happen?

And...you can see things differently.

And life is too short. I mean, it's not... It's not about that,

but it's when...you know you've been waiting decades to say something.

-What's wrong with my voice?

-Don't get into this now.

-WHISPERS:

-What's wrong with my voice?

-It's the same as your face.

It's never going to change, no point talking about it.

-What's wrong with my face?!

-Sorry.

-Yeah, yeah, it changes your perspective, doesn't it, when you lose someone.

-Yeah.

-It gives you a kind of courage.

-Yeah.

What do you want to say to me?

Mum! Nan and Grandad are here!

It's all right. Go on. They can wait.

Mum!!

-A whole quiche...

-I was hungry.

-Morning!

-Think about it, Cathy. Picture it.

An entire quiche for her dinner.

-I was going to have the other half this morning.

-You all right, Nan?

-He's being a dick.

-Oh, well.

How's she ever going to get her figure back

if she's eating an entire quiche?

You had one as well, you thick bastard.

-Yes, but I've got the body for it.

-I don't know what you're saying but I'm sure it's fucking stupid.

-The weight spreads around me like butter, Cathy.

-Yeah?

-Honestly.

I could eat 100 quiches a day and you wouldn't notice.

A million quiches a week. I'm built beautifully.

It's wonderful to look at. But her?

You should've seen her when we first met.

I took her to Butlin's and I kissed every bone in her body.

-Well. Let me help you.

-Get off.

What you have to remember, Derek, is that when you go to see a play, it's meant to be boring.

All right, Reg?

Who knows?

-You don't admit the play was boring, obviously.

-No.

You use words like clever or relevant or thought-provoking.

-Interesting.

-Yes. Well done.

Because the more bored you are, the better the play.

So, well, last night...

..that was obviously a very good play, then.

Yes, it was excellent.

-Jason, love, shall me and Michael put the bags...?

-What do we do about Doctors?

-Sorry?

-What do we do if they arrive with the washing machine

and Doctors is on?

Um... Well, maybe you could just let them in and then carry on watching?

You want me to leave the room in the middle of Doctors?

-She's out of her mind.

-Jason, love, shall me and Michael...

-Kelly!

You'll have to take some of this stuff out, babe.

But it's got my magazines in it, babe. And my lucky rocks.

Taking rocks on a plane...

We'll just pay a little bit extra at the airport.

Taking rocks on a plane, though...

-Shall we put them in the car?

-Yeah. Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Michael.

Here.

-Have a drink on me.

-Oh, Grandad, you don't have to...

-No, wait a minute.

Didn't know I had that.

I've got this assembly this morning and I've got to do it because it's Noah and he's got Asperger's.

And he's mad about lions, so why don't I come round later?

Cathy. Do you know the last thing I spoke to my mum about?

Knock-knock! Morning!

I've got my new fella in the car, Cathy, have a look. He's 24 and he's thick as pig shit.

-It's like winning in the lottery. Oh, bloody hell.

-I better...

-Have you changed your carpet?

-Hi, Mum.

Oh, here's the idiot! Forgot her passport!

What kind of idiot forgets their passport?

-Can I have it?

-Yeah, course, love.

No, you can have it, babe, here you go.

-Can I have a look at it, Carol?

-Yeah. Course.

Seriously though, Mum, can I have it...

Yeah, no, seriously, Kell, here it is.

His dad still gives him money because he's like 24 or something stupid and he's thick as pig shit.

Honestly. He buys me flowers.

What the fuck am I going to do with flowers?

Amazing body? Yes.

Thinks I'm younger than I am? Yes.

And up here, nothing.

Does anything that I tell him. Couldn't believe me luck!

Kell!

That wasn't too difficult, was it?

Yeah... Silly me! Thanks, Mum.

-See, I've still got the fringe?

-Yeah...

-See you in ten days.

-Oh, come on, Kell. Don't be needy.

Cheer up, Michael. Might never happen.

HORN BEEPS

VARIOUS BEEPING

-She's got three bottles of ketchup!

-MORE BEEPING

Oh, get a life! How much ketchup does she need?

I look like a serial killer, don't I?

Yeah, but one of the sexy serial killers.

That's such a lovely thing to say.

Come on.

-What's going on?

-Nothing, Reg.

-You all right, babe? You OK?

-Yeah.

No, I'm good, yeah.

-I think when we get our own place, she will start to speak to me different.

-Yeah.

Your mum said my passport photo looks like a sexy serial killer.

-Did she?

-Yeah.

-That's nice of her.

-Yeah.

So why don't you go home and have a kip?

I've got this end of year assembly this morning with Noah

and I've literally got to be there. But I can come round after that.

You need time to process everything that's happened

and you can't even begin to do that if you haven't had any sleep.

So I'm going to order them a cab. OK?

Do you know the last thing I spoke to my mum about?

Oh, no. Sorry you asked me that before, didn't you? Sorry.

No, no, what did you speak to her about?

You.

Oh, erm...

Nothing bad, I hope.

What do you mean me?

What do you think I mean, Cathy?

You know what I'm talking about. My mum's was just...

-No, don't do this now.

-My mum was just saying I should tell you how I...

Don't do this now, Michael, No, not now.

Right then, my little cherubs. Pauline's just...

Pauline!

I can do that.

-Pauline!

-I can do that.

-I can't do...

-Pauline.

-Wait!

It actually gets very restricted because...

Oh, no, I can do that.

I can't...

Pauline!

Well, the point is it's 100 times worse than your mother's was.

-Shall we get you off to work, darling?

-Yes!

-I was just updating Jason about my wrist, Cathy.

-Oh, yeah?

-I've had to go private, haven't I.

-Yeah.

-It's so much better than the NHS.

-You get mints in the waiting room.

-Feel the finish.

-I'm OK...

Feel the finish, Cathy. Don't be difficult.

Yes, lovely.

-Can you imagine me in an NHS hospital?

-God no!

I'd have to burn my clothes.

-Do you want a hand with that?

-No, no, you OK, mate, you head off.

Come on, don't be silly.

No, no, I am fine. You head off.

Come on! Let me help, what's the matter, let me help you.

You don't like me any more?

No. OK, OK.

Michael, don't do this.

You know she's got rocks in here?

Yeah.

Apparently, they are lucky or something.

Why would I want to be thin?

Because it would be nice for me to look at.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Don't laugh at me.

You're a male chauvinist.

That's your answer to everything.

Look at Cheryl Cole.

Look how thin she is.

How hard can it be?

I'm 86!

And here comes the avalanche of excuses.

I'd like to see you getting Cheryl Cole to peel your pears.

Oh, she wouldn't have the patience.

But I tell you who would have the patience.

I tell you who'd peel a pear meticulously.

-Lorraine Kelly.

-Oh, please!

She could have any man she wanted.

She's always so happy. She doesn't let anything get her down.

Yeah, well, that would soon change if she lived with you.

I tell you. Walking round Debenhams with Lorraine Kelly on my arm.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Yeah, that would be something.

Yeah, no. It's going well.

-She was really nice to me the other day.

-Oh, good.

I'm trying to sort of construct for myself a better personality,

so it's like the going to the theatre or like the other day,

I was whistling in my car or like I don't know if you've noticed

-but I'm calling people my little cherub.

-Oh, yeah.

Standing like this.

Anything to keep off the demons.

Sometimes I get a bit worried that maybe I'm not as intelligent or handsome as I think.

-But it's just the demons.

-Yeah.

I've still got Pauline so I can't be that bad!

-HORN HONKS

-I'd better go.

It can be a build-up of little things, can't it,

then suddenly one day out of nowhere they walk out on you.

HORN HONKS

I'm coming, my little darling! Sorry!

I was just telling Michael about the icebergs and the penguins and all the bloody CO2.

Did you know what I meant?

-Don't do this now.

-But did you?

-So you think you might...

-You don't want to do this today.

You held my hand, Cathy, on New Year's Eve.

You held my hand, you stroked it with your thumb.

And we've been to garden centres. I know that's not...

They're just garden centres. I know it sounds mad when I say it out loud because I know they're

just garden centres but we've been to three of these garden centres

and you still haven't bought any chairs.

So what are we going to do? I mean, do you want chairs?

Or do you do not want chairs?

Are we just going to spend our lives just going to garden centres

and not buying any chairs and bouncing round the place like everything's OK?

Because the problem with the world, Cath, the problem with the world is everything's not OK.

And no-one does things

and no-one...no-one dares to tell the truth because it's scary and

it's hard and it's messy...

..and no-one...nobody wants to do difficult things.

But the world is difficult

and some things are unfair and last night my mum died and...

..she wasn't that kind of woman... You know, I could never...

-You don't want to do this now.

-I do.

-You don't, Michael.

-Can I...can I tell you something, Cath?

-No.

I really, really, really want to tell you something.

You don't, Michael. Not like this.

But you know what I'm going to say, don't you?

Cathy.

And you can feel it too, can't you?

Then we... Then we should to talk about it...

-But what if...

-What?

What? No, say it, say it. Say it if you are feeling something, you should...

What if I just miss Dave?

Ah, Jesus.

Ah, I am so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

I...

Michael. No, Michael, don't... Michael. God.

Michael, don't go like this.

Oi! Taxi!

-Bye, Mum.

-Bye!

-Bye, Cathy!

-We'll FaceTime, yeah?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Come here!

-Kelly's going to set us all up on a WhatsApp group.

-Great.

Then we can send you pictures of what we're eating

and you can send us pictures of what you're eating.

-Passport?

-I've got it. Bye, Mum!

-Bye, Cathy.

-Bye.

-Do you see how sad she is we're going?

-Oh, my God, it's so cute.

-Michael! Hey!

-Michael! We're going to have oysters for breakfast.

-I bet you're well jealous.

-Michael!

-My mum's calling you.

I'm going to sit in the back so we can hold hands.

Michael!

# I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

# Two bottle whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# Oh, you're gonna miss me

# When I'm gone. #