September Mum

This programme contains some strong language.

-It's a country beef stew - whatever that means - with mushrooms and shallots.

-Shallots?

-Yeah.

And suddenly she's too good for an onion.

-But I've done you a pork chop.

-What are you having it with?

-Rice.

-Rice?

-You seen my phone?

-Yeah, it's on the table.

-It's not.

-Rice?!

Yeah, what's wrong with rice?

Oh, you're kidding me, Cathy.

Please. Rice?

-It's there, love.

-Where?

-It's there.

-Where? Seriously, Mum, it's not here.

Oh, yeah.

Can you clear the table for your grandad, love?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I once saw a man who had it with a chicken.

Are we still talking about rice?

I mean, it's bad enough killing the thing,

but then to serve its lovely corpse on a bed of rice...

It should be banned.

It's depraved.

I don't know how you people can eat it.

-What's he talking about?

-Rice.

Hm.

Is he worried about Maureen? Is she OK?

Yeah, the operation went OK

-and she's back on the ward having a sleep, so...

-Oh.

I made her a card.

Oh...

..that's lovely, Kelly.

And how long did you spend on that?

Ages.

I got up early this morning to start it

and then I did it on my lunch break and then I had it by my till

and then I finished it when I got home this afternoon.

That's lovely.

And how easy would it be to sort of, you know, remove or change

some of those letters?

Oh! Really hard.

It's perfect.

Thanks, Cathy! I'm going to go and make an envelope.

What time do you want to eat, love?

I've only got to put the rice on.

Erm...

Here, let me do that.

You've only gotta ask.

Thanks.

Well, what time's Michael getting here?

Erm...

We're having his mum's pans.

Didn't he tell you?

I think his phone hasn't been working, so...

Well, whenever we eat, we should eat

when he's not here, cos he'll only get in the way.

Yeah.

-Good point.

-Hm.

Erm...

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains, it's got rivers

# It's got woods that will give you shivers

# But it sure will be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

Oh, hello, Michael.

Oh, thanks for bringing them.

Yeah - I'm not stopping, I...

I enjoyed your speech at your mum's funeral.

Oh, good.

Or not enjoyed it, but, like...

It really darked me out.

It really put the shits up me.

All right, mate? It's been a while.

-Did you get my e-card?

-Yeah.

-Did you watch it with the sound up?

-Yeah.

-Thanks.

-It's the least I could do, mate.

The least I could do.

Mum! Michael's here!

Erm, I'm not... I've not come to see your mum, I'm...

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, yeah, we've got the flat!

Oh.

-Hey.

-Hello.

Sorry, Kelly asked me to drop some things off...

Oh, lovely.

Thanks.

It's just some of my mum's pots and pans.

Didn't use them much.

She got them for half price, off the telly.

-Is Derek...?

-Yeah.

Yeah, they're coming for dinner.

So just put the rice on

and boiling Reg's peas for ten hours...

THEY CHUCKLE

-Thanks for coming to the funeral.

-No, it's...

I'm sorry I didn't...

No, you were busy.

Yeah.

How have you been? Good summer?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But I need to rush off so I'll...

I'll, I'll call Derek and see when he is, er...

PHONE CHIMES

Find out what time he is...

AUTOMATED: The time is 7:10.

-Good evening, Cathy.

-How did I do that?

No idea.

I'm outside your house.

Listen.

HORN TOOTS

I know. Really funny.

-Bye.

-It's like being in a zoo...

-Now, remember, look concerned.

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, but you've got to show it in your eyes, don't just...

Oh, for God's sake, Derek.

I'm not going to take instructions from...fucking...

Hello.

Hello, come in.

How's Maureen?

Yeah.

She's, erm, she's out, she's just sleeping, so...

-Reg OK?

-Yeah...

Oh, that's such a relief.

I've been so, so worried about those wonderful, wonderful people.

-She's been inconsolable.

-I've barely slept.

Well, you both look very nice.

Oh. Really? Ha.

-I haven't done anything different.

-No, me neither.

Oh, wow, look at you two.

-You've made an effort.

-Yeah.

That's what I've just said.

Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about.

No. I always dress like this on a Wednesday.

-"Made an effort"!

-Ha! No.

Not at all.

Oh, hi, guys, how was your meeting with Pauline's ex-husband?

Why do you know about that?

I follow Derek on Twitter.

It's nice for people to know what I'm up to.

That looked like a nice cup of tea this morning.

Yeah, it was. It was lovely.

And really nice of you

to send your thoughts to the victims of the earthquake.

It's important they know I'm thinking of them.

Is Michael here?

-Yeah, he's in the kitchen.

-Great.

Why are we seeing Michael?

-Derek?

-Mum! Do you see my shirt?! I just chucked it down!

Erm! Yeah! Oh, there it is!

Would you mind giving it another iron for tomorrow?

-It's been on the floor.

-No, I'd love to!

Thanks!

-This is the toaster.

-Oh, yeah, nice, that's a nice one.

Sorry, Derek, take me through this.

We're having Michael's dead mother's toaster?

It does four bits.

It's a dead woman's toaster.

WHISPERS: It was a Best Buy on Which.

I don't know what you're saying.

It's Best Buy on Which.

I only got it for her last Christmas.

Are we paying him?

What else you got?

-So, back to work next week.

-Yeah.

Would you say - in your opinion -

that you've made the most of your summer holidays?

No, love, probably not.

You should've gone to Laserquest.

That's true...

Is it worse being alone in the summer

than being alone in the winter?

It can be. Yeah.

The days are a lot longer, aren't they?

Yeah.

Though...

Little fact.

The days are actually the same length in the summer

as they are in the winter, in terms of hours.

It's just the amount of daylight in the summer

that makes the days seem longer.

Oh, OK.

Yeah. Little fact.

I bought a lamp.

Oh, it's lovely.

It's shabby chic.

-Do you like shabby chic?

-Yeah.

-Got a load of it in our shed.

-Have you?

Let us know if there's anything else you want to get rid of.

Yeah, well, you know, there's tons of cups, plates, cutlery.

-Oh, great, well we'll definitely...

-Derek.

Is it all right if I see Michael to his car?

Whatever.

I think that's a yes.

Sorry, she's, er...

She's really picky about what she eats off.

It can't be made of plastic or paper and she's got these rules

about what meals she will and won't eat from a bowl.

You got that place in Spain yet?

-How was it?

-It was good.

-Watch that.

-Yeah.

I can say his name now and everything.

Geoff.

See?

-Well done, mate.

-Geoff.

"Pauline's husband, soon to be ex-husband, Geoff".

Easy. No, it was good.

I wore these.

-Make me look clever.

-Oh, yeah.

Waistcoat, obviously.

I shook his hand.

I chatted to his lawyer's assistant.

And I managed to get through the whole meeting without crying,

or not crying but, like, having to quickly

get up and leave the room and cry.

I'm really pleased to hear it, mate. And you look great, so...

Oh. Thanks, mate.

Yeah. I do my best. I do my best.

LAUGHTER

What am I, an eight? A nine?

LAUGHTER

Which?

Nine. Definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I know I'm not a ten.

She's in hospital, you see.

Yes, I know.

It's terrible.

She hasn't been the same since our David died.

Mmm.

It's very close tonight, isn't it?

She won't talk about it.

But you can see that her mind takes her somewhere

and it's hard to get her back.

What a pickle.

I think she's spent the past couple of years trying not to

think about it...but you have to, don't you, eventually?

I remember when I met her.

I'd just seen Frankie Laine at the Palladium...

You seen the, er...?

Yeah. I'm just going to clear it up.

THEY CHUCKLE

You all right, Uncle Derek?

Yeah.

I just thought of something funny I could have said to your mum

about the dog poo. Wondering if I should go back and say it?

It's too late, mate.

Really?

Yeah.

You're right.

The moment's gone.

It has, you're right.

This always happens.

-I'm actually a lot funnier than anybody knows.

-You coming up?

Yeah, yeah. I need a massive slash.

Eugh.

Well, thanks for helping me scrape shit off my drive.

No, it's a pleasure.

Right, well, better let you get on.

-I've got to get back to mine, lots to do.

-Oh, I bet, yeah.

Me too. Really busy.

Yeah.

Well, it was nice to see you.

Yeah, you too.

You had any problems with your phone?

Erm. No,

I don't think so.

Oh, erm...

No...eh...

-I think what happened was my credit ran out...

-Oh.

..and so things that were meant to come through didn't,

and I've just not been able to reply to them.

Or maybe I missed some calls...

The girls, er, stayed on after the funeral.

Yeah, it was nice.

And...their mum's new fella came over.

How was he?

-Really, really handsome.

-Was he?

Beautiful.

Physically fit.

About the same age as her.

-Dresses well.

-Oh.

So, a lot like you, then.

Oh, she could barely tell us apart.

Did you have a good summer?

Oh, yeah, it's been crazy.

Kelly's taken me to Westfield - eight times.

Got the paddling pool out,

sat in that for a while, till I realised how sad it was.

What else have I done?

Sorted out few of my kitchen cupboards,

defrosted the freezer, went to IKEA to buy a box,

and ended up spending 200 quid... Oh, and the other day

I went round the house and sprayed WD-40 on all of my hinges.

Living the dream!

Oh, yeah. No, it was OK, really.

Had a nice trip to Southend... Erm...

Yeah.

We went to Robin's. For pie and mash.

-Oh, did you?

-Yeah. It's still there.

Right, well, I'd better go before the dump shuts.

Yeah, I'd better go and check on the rice.

Yeah.

Unless you wanted to stay and have something to eat? There's plenty...

No, no. I've got some stuff in the freezer.

Lasagne or carbonara.

They all taste the same, so...

Yeah.

Are you getting a place in Spain?

Yeah. Thinking about it.

If we can sell my mum's place.

Means I can pop over and see the girls more...

..now that there's nothing to keep me here.

Enjoy your dinner.

You should get a contract for your phone.

It works out cheaper.

Ah, it means going in to one of those stupid shops

and talking to a 20-year-old that treats me like I'm brain-dead.

-By the entrance?

-Yeah.

You take all the fresh bread, put it by the entrance,

and then imagine the smell when you go in.

Everyone would buy bread.

You see?

Dinner's ready!

Coming!

Oh, yeah, that was it.

We need to pay the deposit tonight and the first month's rent.

Oh, that's true. Yeah.

We don't want to lose the flat.

No way.

Your mum liked the lamp.

Great.

BELL RINGS

-Can somebody get that?!

-Can somebody get that?!

Sorry, what is it exactly that we're eating?

It's a country beef stew - whatever that means -

with shallots and mushrooms...

-Shallots?

-Yeah.

Well done.

Thanks.

-You all right, Michael?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

-I bought a lamp.

-Oh, great.

Yeah.

All it was, it was very simple.

She made me laugh.

-Maureen.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, lovely.

-A funny woman.

They're like hen's teeth.

I must say, I've never met one.

The only thing I'd change about her - and I'd say this probably

goes for all women - I'd have had her a little more obedient.

Yeah... Isn't it?

Sure.

5, 10%.

Nothing too cringeworthy.

-Just a little bit more manageable.

-Yeah. No, I totally get that.

The smell of them.

The fingernails.

I mean, I laugh because they're men and that's what we do,

but inside I'm just full of loathing.

-Hello, darling.

-Hello...

What is this - a meeting of the coven?

HE LAUGHS

Mwah!

I thought you were going down the dump.

Yeah. I just thought I'd check

if you wanted any of her stuff before I get rid of it.

Oh, OK.

What you got?

Oh, er...bits of old carpet.

Oh, erm, a little hostess trolley.

It doesn't work.

Her bin.

I'm OK, actually.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, I just thought I'd check.

Right, well, I'll just take it down to the dump.

Thanks, though.

No, no, no.

He's made up that woman, babe.

Don't change the subject, babe.

I'm just going to hang these up, if you want to...

We are getting a flat, I bought a lamp for it.

You're avoiding, babe. This is classic avoidance.

OK.

Let's watch the film.

I'm sorry, but why can't I talk about the fact

I'm moving into a flat with the man I love?

Can we watch the film?

This is stupid, babe.

You need to address, basically, what the fundamental issues are

on your emotional wavelength.

TURNS ON ACTION FILM

It's just..

It's just, it's difficult for me, isn't it?

Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Why?

TURNS FILM OFF

Because...

..you've gotta think about my mum coming back here on her own.

And, like, living here,

it's like my dad's still with me, sort of.

And it's not going to be like that if we move and stuff.

So it's not like all that simple actually as just moving out

because I love you or lamps or anything.

Oh, babe...

I want to watch the film.

TURNS FILM ON

Hm, Geoff just texted to say he liked your glasses.

THEY CHUCKLE

You, er...

Viresh said you shouldn't be texting him.

And, er, to be honest, I don't really like it all that much either.

Sorry.

That's OK.

Oh, Christ...

And there was me thinking you were dead.

LAUGHTER DOWN PHONE

I'll...I'll cancel the party.

Yeah, well, I will be soon, and then I'll haunt you.

You bloody would, as well. You bloody would haunt me.

I will. I'll scare the fuck out of you.

I still won't get a moment's peace.

Even when you're dead, you'll be making my life a misery.

I'll be hovering at the end of the bed.

I wouldn't put it past you.

I'll wake up in the night, I'll see you

hovering at the end of the bed

and I'll say, "Oh, God, she's still here.

"There's no escape."

I've bet you've been worried.

Of course I wasn't worried!

SHE LAUGHS

It takes more than that to kill you.

I should know.

I've been trying for years.

LAUGHTER

-New chairs?

-Oh, yeah. I found a place in Harlow.

You know, I was thinking - I've probably missed the dump now.

I thought maybe I should just stay for dinner,

-if that's all right?

-Yeah.

No, I just thought, you know, it smells, smells nice,

it would be nice to have some stew - catch up with everybody.

Only a frozen meal at home. It'll keep.

They're disgusting, really.

They're actually really incredibly hard to eat.

You have to cover them in ketchup...

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, of course, help yourself.

-There's rice.

-Thanks.

-Everything OK?

-Yeah, it's lovely.

Mm. It just looks so delicious, Cathy.

Oh, good.

Really, really fantastic cooking.

That was good.

Just got to give it a bit more in the eyes.

I was giving it in the eyes, Derek.

Incredibly genuine...

BACKGROUND CHATTER

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whisky for the way

# And I sure would like

# Some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow

# What do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #