The Brass Gnome Murder in Successville

This programme contains some strong language

I'm Richard Osman. I'm becoming a cop

and being thrown into a live murder mystery.

I've got no script, no idea what's about to happen,

so wish me luck as I try and solve a Murder In Successville.

'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

'Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law

'and when they do, I'm here to bring them down.

'I'm DI Sleet.

'The book of law is the only book I've ever read.

'Am I ashamed of that?

'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

What's that?

Oh, just...just a little sketch of a perp that I shot last week, Chief.

Fuck me, look at the colouring in.

Well, actually, it was perfect until you startled me.

I breached the lines.

So many issues flying around in here, Sleet.

-I've got you a new rookie.

-Oh, great, that's all I need.

-Big boy!

-Big boy?

-Wow, you really are a big boy.

-Well, he's not that big, sir.

-Oh, I think he is, Sleet. He's bigger than you.

-No, he's not.

This is DI Sleet, yes? He's our BEST detective,

which is why we've got such a massive fucking crime rate.

Good luck.

-What's your name?

-Er, my name is Richard Osman.

It's very nice to meet you.

Sir.

-It's my pleasure.

-Oh, is it?

-Oh, yes, sir.

-I'll be the judge of that.

-OK.

-Well, you won't be the judge of my pleasure.

-What?

I said it's my pleasure.

I'll be the judge of any pleasure that goes on in this room!

-OK.

-I will pleasure you if I like.

OK. Yeah, of course. Hey, listen. First day.

-I...

-Whatever you want.

-I know, I know what I've got here.

-Go on.

-You're a Positive Pete.

-Oh, you think?

-Everything's great and sunny in your world, isn't it?

-Do you know what?

-Do you know what Positive Pete's about to do?

Sit his ass on that chair and get some frigging filing done!

-Great.

-You nasty little boy.

You know what this is?

-A siren?

-Well done.

-You're growing on me.

-Thanks.

Now, I've been talking to some of the pig wigs over at IT.

-Pig wigs?

-Yeah.

-IT boffs.

-Not big wigs?

-What?

-No, pig wigs.

-Pig wigs.

-Pig wigs.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Brainy, brain dumps.

-Brain dumps. OK, yeah.

-Brain heads.

-IT.

-Yeah, IT.

-Not big wigs, pig wigs.

-Pig wigs, not big wigs.

-Yeah.

-What are you going on about?

-Nothing, it's fine. Pig wigs.

-Pig wigs.

-What are the pig wigs saying?

Well, I've been saying that I don't think the siren sound

is doing me justice.

No-one's scared of a siren. So I've got an idea.

I want you to come up with your own siren.

-OK.

-OK.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

Don't worry, the police are not on their way.

Continue robbing what you're robbing.

-How dare you, Osman?

-No, but...

-How dare you?

How very dare you? What the hell was that?

"Don't worry"? You should be worried.

-We're the police.

-But listen, let's say I'm a burglar.

What do you do if you hear, "Don't worry,

"the police are not on their way,

-"you can continue robbing the warehouse"?

-Well, I'd probably go...

-Keep robbing.

-Keep robbing, so we turn up and what happens?

-We arrest them.

-You know, you'd get what you want.

Look, we're big guys. It's hard for us...

-Yeah, all right, fair enough, Osman. It's a good idea!

-Thank you.

-But it's not...

-Go back to your desk.

-Get that filing done at once.

-Of course, sir.

I don't know what you are, a rookie or a secretary.

Right, you two, listen up, yes?

There is a massive art heist about to take place tonight.

Yes, we have a tip-off that somebody's going to try and steal

the Brass Gnome. I need you two to get down there

and be on guard duty ASAP.

The curator, Bjork, is waiting for you.

Just so I know, Chief, where are we heading?

Well, Sleet, it's an art heist, yes?

We're talking about a priceless work of art.

Where do you think it might be taking place, yeah?

-Hurry up.

-(Art gallery.)

-Yes, I know an art gallery

but I was trying to make you look good in front of the chief.

Yeah, I should've... I should've said art gallery.

Well, you made us both look stupid.

My God! Out the way, Ben.

Right, come on, you.

Are you ready to rage down a terror

-and go and look after a brass gnome for the night?

-Born ready.

-Then let's go solve a crime.

-Let's do it.

There it is. The Brass Gnome.

Bing bong, I'm Bjork, the sparkling pixie dream child.

My, my, my, aren't you both very tall,

like two big mountain ranges crossed with two big doggies?

Well, I can assure you, we are neither mountain ranges

-nor big dogs.

-Oh, yes,

I'm very, very pleased you two big Bills are here

because I'm very, very, very scared.

The heist tip-off has given me the willies in my stomach

and it's sparkling and prickling with fear.

-I understand.

-These pieces are like my children.

I'm guessing that you probably don't have any actual children.

They have their own brains and their own minds.

-Well, they don't, really.

-But some art does.

-What?

-Some art is living.

-Yes, all art is living.

Please, if anything happened to my children, I don't...

-I would melt!

-Look what you've done now, Osman.

Look what you've done!

-Oh, bing-bong.

-OK!

-Idea light bulb.

-Excellent.

Maybe one of us should check the windows and doors

to make sure everything is safe.

Yes, I think someone should go and check on the doors and windows.

Someone, maybe someone big and tall.

Or maybe someone who is small and annoying,

who knows the layout of the museum.

I'm going to fly away now and make myself very, very small.

Bing-bong.

What a strange little bug. Take a seat, Osman.

-There's no point standing.

-I will.

Well, guv.

-Yep.

-You know, here we are.

Who do you imagine's going to steal it?

Oh, I don't know. It could be anyone.

It's almost impossible to steal that...

-Oh, right, you know what's really impossible?

-Yeah.

Getting you not to be annoying

and talk all the time.

There is some truth in that, yeah.

What the hell? Damn it, Richard!

-Oh, no.

-Right, Jesus creepers.

-Osman?

-Yes.

-I've got a torch.

Christ Almighty, Osman, you have very soft hands.

Your remind me of my old art teacher, Clive.

ALARM BLARES

Damn it, they've got the gnome!

Damn it!

BJORK CRIES

Oh, God, this is what we need, a great big attention-seeker(!)

Oh, Richard, cradle me!

-It's OK.

-Cradle me.

-It's OK.

-Cradle me.

-It's OK.

I'm dying. Richard, out of nowhere, a masked figure...

-A masked figure.

-..all in black came and bludgeoned me

-with the Brass Gnome.

-With the Brass Gnome?

-I think my neck is broken.

-Oh, no.

The only thing I could tell...

through his mask, I could smell his breath.

-OK.

-And it smelled of cured meat.

-Cured meat?

-That's a clue.

-What kind of cured meat?

Think, sweet girl, think.

Oh... I don't know.

Was it...? Was it a chorizo?

Oh, that's a good question.

It was something more herby, Italian.

-Oh, like a merguez or something.

-Spanish, maybe.

-Well, yeah, I mean, I've got to be honest with you...

-Can you let...?

Merguez is lovely. I tell you what,

you want bangers and mash with merguez.

-Oh, really?

-Oh, now you're talking.

-That's like fusion cooking...

-Yeah.

-..where you take two different continents...

Yes, fusion cooking.

-She's passed.

-Yeah.

-That's a shame, isn't it?

-Put her to the floor.

-There you go.

-Let her die in peace.

Night-night, sweet angel.

Oh, there lies Bjork.

Bless her poor, stabbed heart.

We've got a murderer and an art thief on the loose.

-Yeah.

-Let's go rein him in, boy.

Look at this, footprints.

Oh, yeah, look, yeah, bloody footprints, right?

-Everyone can tell that's paint.

-Oh, right.

'What kind of douche bag would kill for art?

'Three names jumped to mind.

'First, Hillary Clinton, ex-art forger, now a teacher,

'and if there's one thing I hate more than forgery, it's learning.'

Welcome. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, new face there, hello.

-Hi, nice to meet you.

-Welcome. Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you. Thank you, all.

Thank you, all, for coming to Hillary's art class.

People often say to me, "Hillary, what is art?

"What is good art?"

-And I say, "It's what

-I

-say is good art,"

-because

-I

-am the art teacher

and, in this classroom, I decide who wins.

Me, I decide.

And I say if you're good or you're bad, OK?

Now, I see we have a new face here.

-Hello, sir, what's your name?

-Hello.

-Er, Ricardo.

-Ricardo?

-Yeah.

-Dick? Can I call you Dick?

-You... Of course you can.

-Dicardo?

-Call me Dicardo if you wish.

-Dickstick?

-Dickstick.

-Dickstick's nice.

-Dick-dick-dick.

-Er, not that.

-OK.

-Everything else, though, is good.

-Wonderful.

So we have a little bit of sad news for you today.

Our usual model, my husband Bill, is not here.

No, he's got norovirus so he can't do his job.

That's Bill.

So I got in touch with an agency and I have found a replacement model.

So please welcome our model for this afternoon, here he is,

he's very experienced, he's done this a lot of times before.

Here he is. Wonderful.

-Oh! It is a real honour, sir.

-The...

-What a pleasure.

-The honour is all mine.

-Oh!

Well, that's patronising.

OK. Lovely.

I always try to be patronising.

So, thank you. Thank you for coming.

Thank you for agreeing to put pen to paper.

OK. And so you know all the classical poses, then?

Would you like me to go with the Sleepy Tortoise?

-What...?

-Or the Naughty But Nice, or Mine's A Hot Dog?

-Could we see some of those?

-Let Me Eat All The Chips.

Oh.

-Yep. OK.

-Erm...

-Anything else?

-Vinny's Home.

-How would that look?

OK, so, Dick, do you have a position you'd like?

-A favourite pose?

-Anything.

-The Naughty But Nice sounded intriguing.

-What does that look like? Let's see.

-Oh, hmm.

-It's not for me.

That's similar to Vinny's Home, isn't it?

-Do you have another...?

-Well, it's nothing like Vinny's Home, Ricardo.

OK, how about Meerkat In Fright?

Meerkat In Fright, it's a common one.

-That's...

-No, Dick, you not liking it?

Oh, no, I just... I...

I didn't believe it was a meerkat.

Didn't you, Rick? Ricardo? Your new name, Ricardo.

-Yeah.

-What do you think, Dick? I'm not...

He looks more like a constipated baboon.

-Yeah.

-Which is not... That's not...

If I knew you, and I was...

-in charge of you...

-Yeah.

-..in some way,

I'd say, "You foolish, nasty man, don't forget your place."

OK, let's see Meerkat In Fright, let's hold the pose.

Everyone get ready, we've got our charcoals ready.

OK, and would you like the grand unveiling?

Shall I take this off?

-Well, you can just get yourself ready.

-OK.

-There we go.

There's some charcoal, there, if you want.

-Oh, charcoal.

-Or chalk, whatever you want.

-Everybody ready?

OK, let's...

Oh...

-That is... I thought I'd seen it all.

-Hmm.

-Time to drop these too.

-Sorry, what? No, what's happening?

-Drop these too.

-No, why are you doing that?

-That's...

-Well, it's a nude class.

Everyone's come here to see the meat and the veg and everything.

-It feels like...

-Well, maybe we've had our...

Maybe we're full. We don't need pudding.

Well, I'd feel a little short-changed

-if I came to a nude class...

-You know what? Keep the change.

-I'd feel a little short-changed.

-No, no, no, let's keep the change.

Well, exactly. I mean, if you'd like to see my penis...

-I would love to see it.

-They have to...

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'd like to see it.

Well, Dick, perhaps you could see it at a separate time.

But for me, I want to keep my lunch down, you know?

Once I've got the trailer, I don't need to see the movie.

-That's how it goes.

-How so, so, very charming. But I mean,

the thing is, you would not wear your shoes up in the shower.

I would at your house.

I don't have a house, so the joke's on you.

-I live in a car.

-That does not surprise me.

-Oh, really?

-No.

-It feels a little indignifying

that I'm begging to pull my penis out in front of people.

It is. To be honest, it's very...

-I am embarrassed for you right now.

-OK, well...

-But...

-And this pose you want is this one?

Bit more arching the back. Little more in the knees.

-OK.

-Lovely. There's some excellent work here, class.

Really lovely. Wonderful, Dick. That's actually very good.

Dick is actually really good at this.

-Sometimes...

-Genuinely really, really good at this.

-Really?

-It's the model that makes it, usually.

-Mmm, that's true.

-I think he's terrific.

-That's true. Keep going, Dick.

I love it. I really love what Dick is doing.

The heat in here - it's freezing.

I feel that my...

my penis isn't giving a good account of himself.

Well, our classes don't raise a lot of money,

so my overheads are very expensive.

-Yeah, that's not my problem...

-We can't have the heating on.

I'm here doing my best.

Maybe if I was to get one of the class to blow upon my penis?

-Well, I... My regulars would not do that.

-Well, maybe Ricardo?

I don't know how Dick feels about that?

I would... It would genuinely be an honour.

-Yes, well, come hither.

-OK, Dick.

-Come hither to blow upon my penis.

OK, guys. Maybe you can start, start your sketching.

Ricardo, who do you think you are?

Get down upon your knees and blow on my penis.

Well, Dick's done this before. He went straight down.

-Dick, give it a little blow.

-Dick didn't need any asking.

Right, look up at me.

Blow.

Blow. Just make it look normal.

That's nice. Listen, you need to get a look in that handbag.

-Yeah.

-All right?

That's nice, actually. Well done.

This is the first good bit of police work you've done.

-OK?

-Yeah.

-All right.

-Yeah.

What's in there? Tell me everything that's in there.

-There's a purse.

-Go through it, see if there's any loose change.

Any cash?

-Yeah, there's some cash.

-How much?

-Like about 8p.

-Give it here.

-That'll go in here.

-That's nice.

8p, she must be broke.

-What else is in there?

-There's a few receipts.

For what?

A delicatessen.

-What?!

-Shh!

Oh, sorry.

Dick? Dick! Are you going in my handbag?

Er, I don't think so.

Excuse me, Dick, a woman's handbag is like her vagina.

You've got to get consent before you get in there.

I think Dick here had got himself a taste for penis blowing.

-I have heard some bullshit in this class.

-Well, yes...

-But that is the worst thing.

-..that's cos you're married to Bill.

Two tall gentleman obviously in love with each other who get off...

-We are not in love with each other.

-That is ridiculous.

..who clearly get off on people watching them have sex.

Now, that's not the kind of class I'm running here.

-That is disgusting.

-That's a bit much.

-I think it's disgusting.

-I have never been so offended...

-I want you both out of here.

Well, I was going to leave anyway.

You are a scandal to the modelling profession,

-and I will be reporting you.

-How very... How dare you!

How dare you! Both of you.

-Dick, I trusted you, and you had good talent here.

-Thank you.

Well, I shall tell everyone here something.

Screw up your papers for whence you have me naked.

-Ricardo, follow me.

-Get out of here!

-I shall get changed in my car.

Both of you, get out!

Everybody, go! They've ruined the art class. Go, go, go!

How can we draw when people don't take it seriously?

Nobody plays by the rules any more!

'School was out and Osman was about to learn

'there was more to police work than painting pretty pictures.'

-'SIREN:

-Don't worry, the police are not on their way.

'Continue robbing what you're robbing.

'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.

'Continue robbing what you're robbing.

'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.

'Continue robbing what you're robbing.

'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.

'Continue robbing what you're robbing.

'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.'

-Happy with your handiwork?

-Yeah, I'm really happy.

Really, are you? I think we sound ridiculous.

-We look like a pair of nerds.

-It doesn't matter what we look like,

it matters what we do. 'Continue rob...'

-SLEET SWITCHES SIREN OFF You know something?

-What?

I don't want to shout at you, Osman, because you're a nice kid.

-Thank you.

-But listen.

-Yeah?

This guy could kill us both, take us both down.

Zayn Malik?

He's up there. Let's do it.

If we've got to lock horns with Malik,

you're going to need some firepower.

Well, well, well. Look what we've got here.

Looks like we've found the cat's cradle.

-What do you mean?

-Well, this is his hideout. His lair.

-Oh, because he's a cat burglar?

-Put your gun away.

-OK.

SLEET WHISTLES

Here, kitty, kitty. Malik.

-Hello, lads.

-Well, well, well.

Look at you, you silly pussy.

Is that...? Are you saying I'm like a cat?

-Yeah...

-I'm not a cat. I'm a lovely little lad, mate.

I'm not making pig jokes, am I?

You make pig jokes, I'll run up there and kick your ass.

That seems like an overreaction, man.

-Well, it's not an overreaction.

-Yes.

Requires a lot of effort on your part.

And I can tell you now, that no pigs can talk, as far as I know.

It's bad for morale if people make jokes about us being pigs.

What are you po-po doing at my yard, then?

I was busy running around, having a fabulous laugh.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your running around

-and having a fabulous laugh.

-Yeah.

-But we're here about a double crime.

-Oh, God.

-Fill him in with the details.

Erm, the, er, the Brass Gnome, you know the Brass Gnome?

Er, yeah, vaguely.

Has been stolen.

-Do you know anything about that?

-I'm sorry, Malik.

Can I have a second?

Even though he's a suspect in a crime,

you've got to make it a little bit more fiery and sexy, like this.

-OK, OK.

-Just follow my lead and learn.

-All right.

Malik, the Brass Gnome has gone missing

and Bjork has been killed so we're after a thief.

-Yeah.

-And...

And you are a thief, famously.

No, you're after a thief... We're after a thief and...

-Also...

-A murderer.

-..a murderer.

Well, thank you both from the bottom of my life

for thinking I might be capable of such a wonderful crime.

But, no, I don't know anything about that.

I've gone straight ever since I left my old gang.

Don't... Best decision I ever made.

Don't miss them. I don't...

I do not miss them.

Who wants that?

No, I'm all about the honeys these days, man.

Woo! I've got girls frequently approaching me in the street,

saying, "Congrats on looking goo...nice."

-What, people actually say that?

-Yeah.

I've got pussy coming from out of my arse.

-That's not even a thing!

-It's just an expression.

I like to go down the bars and things and overhear what lads...

Well, maybe you like to go down the bars,

maybe you like to go down the art galleries and do some stealing.

-No, the bars.

-No!

And then I like to overhear, like, conversations between lads

in order to try and mimic them, sound cool in my own right.

Oh, so you're also a little peeping ear tom?

-Yeah.

-Like a sneaky little ear thief.

-Ear tom.

-You listen to them.

-Well, it's nice to pick up phrases.

-Here's a phrase for you, here's one.

-Living for the weekend, perhaps?

-That's a good phrase.

-No, it's not.

Sort of suggesting you're excited to get out of work on Friday.

-Just chill out for once.

-Our work never stops, does it, guv?

Exactly, Osman. For once, you've said something sensible...

-Thank you.

-..and not stupid and benile.

-Benile?

-What?

-Nothing, doesn't matter.

Listen here.

We're here about a gnome that's gone missing.

-Yeah.

-A brass gnome.

-Right, I didn't steal the gnome.

-Really?

-I didn't!

But, you know, I might have some information I can give you

if you can go down the police station and pull a few...

pull a few strings, which is another phrase I've come across.

This is more like it, Malik. You give me a little biscuit,

-I'll give you a crumb.

-But I've got this...

I just need to get this taken off my leg.

I've got a curfew, innit?

I've got to be home by like 10pm every night until the morning.

You know, I'm rolling in the honeys these days

and I want to try and take them back here sometime!

-You listen here and you listen good.

-All right.

I'm going to bring justice down on you.

-I'm going to bring justice, that's good.

-Don't repeat.

RICHARD LAUGHS

I'm going to make sure that every day for the rest of your life...

-Can you get me a pen and paper?

-Don't you dare.

I thought you were just telling me some good sayings.

No, I'm...

I want to be able to pick up sort of cool things to say like that so...

-I'm intimidating you, Malik, you nasty little creep.

-You...

-This is...

-OK.

-This is not good. I feel ridiculous!

-That was mammoth.

-I'm going! I'm done.

'Next up, art dealer Arsene Wenger

'and, like a disorientated starling, Osman was about to fly solo.'

You're going into an arty-farty party.

-OK.

-I need you...

-OK.

-..to pretend that you're Sebastian Crab.

-OK.

-This piece of crap.

-Mmph-mmph!

-Shut up, Crab!

Or you'll have another mouthful of teeth!

Another mouthful of teeth? What...?

-Listen, you pick up on every little thing.

-No, I'm just...

-I'm halfway through...

-It's because I want to learn, you know that.

If you want to learn, let me teach you.

-That's what I'm trying...

-Every time I'm trying to tell you something,

you go into the small "minutia" of something that doesn't even matter.

-Minutiae?

-What?!

-No, you're right. But listen...

This isn't a grammar rodeo, this is a police investigation!

For the first time in my life, I'm up against it,

and guess what I've got in my pocket?

You! Yeah? Honestly...

-Can I ask you one question?

-Do you know if you can...?

-Can I ask you one question?

-Yes.

Is there such a thing as a grammar rodeo,

-because I would be interested?

-Shh. Shh. Right?

-You ready?

-Yep.

-This button camera will be able to see everything

-that goes on in that room.

-Yep.

-You are Sebastian Crab.

-I urge you to take this...

-Mmph-mmph!

-Shut up, Crab!

-He likes his name, doesn't he?

-What?

-When you say his name, that's what he does.

-Yeah, he's been told to do that. He's a limited actor.

-Yeah.

-Would he do it if I said it?

-I don't know. Try it.

-Hello, my name is Sebastian Crab.

-Mmph!

-Yeah, he does.

-Oh, yeah.

-I mean, to be fair,

he's actually doing what he's been told to do.

Right. Listen.

-When you go in that room...

-Yep?

..I need you to tell everyone that you're Sebastian Crab.

-Mmph-mmph!

-Yeah, there we go.

-This was only meant to be a two-minute segment.

-Yeah.

THEY SNIGGER

-Right...

-Yep.

-Osman, final thing.

Ah, now you're talking.

Right, does that go past...?

-No.

-That's not going to fit at all.

-How about that?

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-Good luck.

Good work.

OK, Osman is in. He is in the party.

-Mmph! Mmph!

-Shut up, you infernal racket!

Oh, I see you are very interested in this piece, yes?

Am I Arsene Wenger?

Yes. Is this Craig? Of course.

-CRAIG GIGGLES

-Thank you, Craig.

And you must be...?

My name is Sebastian Crab.

Sebastian Crab? You are Sebastian Crab?

Same Sebastian Crab.

Mr Wenger, it's a pleasure to meet you.

It's a pleasure, of course. Look, it's very nice to meet you.

Craig, lovely to meet you too.

I can tell by the look on his face, he's very excited to see you.

Seems happy. I'm happy he's happy, huh?

Is this a huge honour for me to meet you? Yes.

Would I like to buy this piece? Yes.

Would it make an excellent centrepiece for my gallery?

Of course.

Especially now that my only rival has lost their...gnome.

-Mmm.

-Am I sad about this?

No. Is my gallery now the best?

-Yes.

-I heard that she died.

I have one more question for you, Sebastian Crab.

Please, ask me anything.

Have you ever had facial surgery?

This is not good, this is not good at all.

-Mmph! Mmph!

-Shh, shh. Would you be quiet?!

-I'm trying to concentrate!

-Mmph!

-Well, right, that's it!

Oh, dang it! Oh, dang it! Would you shut up?!

-You haven't even got any tape on your mouth.

-Mmph!

-Can't you speak?

-Mmph!

You weirdo.

-Craig, frisk him.

-Hey!

Wenger! Leave my partner alone.

Oh, look, it's DI Sleet.

This party just got way less cool.

Really?

Or did it just get even more cool, you French freaky pervert?

What do you want, Sleet? Me and Craig are very excited

and we are trying to celebrate the opening of our new gallery.

I'm here to ask a few questions, you French pervert,

like where were you last night?

Last night? I was here all night,

I was preparing this party with Craig.

It was just me and Craig all night.

-Really?

-Yes, we had to paint the floor,

hang the lights and I had to make all the vol-au-vents from scratch

because me and Craig are vegan...

Listen here, you think you're better than everyone else in this town,

sitting up here with your freaky friends and your stupid jumper.

It's a rollneck, Sleet. It's better than neck rolls.

Right, you wank stain.

Wenger, look at me, you wank stain.

-Right, wank stain...

-Sleet, what the hell is this?

You come to my party, I expect at least a decent insult.

-It was rubbish.

-These two are like an annoying couple

you meet on holiday and then you wish you didn't meet them.

See, that's a good insult, but say it to them!

You two are like an annoying couple you meet on holiday,

probably in France, and then you don't want to see them again.

Yeah. I heard it the first time you told him.

Yeah, I know, but he's not got much confidence when it comes to insults.

You two, you look like two giraffes that have been shaven

-and put in stupid clothes.

-CRAIG GIGGLES

-Craig really likes that one.

-What? Because we're tall,

you French freak? You tiny French freak.

-Oh, this is more like it!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-You tiny little French freak.

What's the weather like down there, you freak?

-That's it! All this anger!

-You're a joke, Sleet.

Get out of my party.

Me and my gender-fluid fuck buddies are about to hit the strobe lights

and get nasty in the greased-up paddling pool of sexual abandon,

and you, you disgrace, are killing the vibe.

Come on, Richard. Let's get out of here.

'Time was up. I had a tip-off all the suspects were meeting

'at a secret auction run by Bill Nighy.

'But how will we sneak in?

'This was to be my most elaborate bust yet.'

Hello, everyone.

Let's get this illegal underground auction under way,

cos it stinks down here.

Right, then. Let's start with these.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have here a pair of marble busts.

Lots of humour. One is beautiful, noble and princely.

The other is a sort of grotesque hideous buffalo man.

I mean, that's hard, for him to call you a buffalo man.

-How do you feel about that?

-Listen, I mean, it's...

Yeah, let's say that's me.

Like a before-and-after of some hideous disease.

Whether he is talking about me or you,

I am not going to accept this kind of derogatory...

It's very offensive.

Maybe the artist had a stroke after the first one

and soldiered on with the other one.

Hold up for one second!

I will not take that kind of insult about me or this buffalo man!

Christ, it's Sleet! The filth are in the sewers!

Everyone scarper!

Quick, take the shot!

Take the shot, man!

Hillary Clinton!

-Fuck me ragged!

-Great shot!

Who did this?!

Richard Osmond.

Yeah? Why did you shoot Hillary Clinton?

Well, I thought that it couldn't be Zayn Malik

because he had the ankle tag

and when we were in the gallery it was, I think, 22:20, 22:30,

something like that, so he couldn't have been there.

I thought it couldn't be Arsene Wenger

because when he was talking about his vol-au-vents,

he said he was a vegan,

-and Bjork smelt cured meats...

-Yeah.

-..on the breath of the killer.

So it could only be Hillary.

If your hypothesis is correct...

-I hope so.

-..when we open that box, the Brass Gnome should be inside.

Oh, OK.

-Well done, Osman, you beautiful beast!

-Wow.

-Oh, I'm so proud of you, I really am.

-Woop-woop!

-Don't you dare.

-Yeah.

-Well done.

-Thank you. Thank you, sir.

-Bravo.

I'm very glad I paired you up with him.

Of course it was Hillary.

Why? It couldn't have been Arsene Wenger.

I had to make all the vol-au-vents from scratch,

because me and Craig are vegans, you know?

It couldn't have been Malik, because the murder took place

after 10pm and Malik had a curfew. Yes.

I've got to be home by, like, 10pm.

It was Hillary Clinton.

You obviously saw the deli receipts in her bag.

-There's a few receipts.

-For what?

A delicatessen.

And you also obviously noted the red footprint

which was the same as the red paint in her gallery.

-There was red paint.

-Bravo, Osman. I'm proud of you.

-Thank you, Chief.

Not only that, but you've saved a priceless work of art.

Well, you say priceless but actually, sir,

I think you'll find it's actually worth quite a lot of money.

Oh, go home, you massive polyp!

Hey, you fancy a drink?

Oh, I'd love a pint with you.

Do you talk more or less when you're drunk?

I talk a lot more.

Well, let's make it a pint of lemonade.

THEY LAUGH

# We don't have to take our clothes off

# To have a good time

# Oh, no

-# We could dance and party

-All night

-# All night

-We can dance all night

# And drink some cherry wine, uh-huh

# We don't have to take our clothes off

# No, no, no

# To have a good time

# Oh, no... #