The Big Sleet Murder in Successville


The Big Sleet

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Transcript


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Criminals look down on us from their ivory towers.

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So much so that we rely on a masked vigilante, the Rattman,

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to protect us.

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It's crime-fighting time.

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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

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I'm going to get you, Rattman!

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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COUGHING

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Is the canteen closed, Matron?

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I want a bacon sandwich.

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Please. No, is that a...? It can't be. Please, no.

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No more. No more gas, termite!

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-No more gas!

-Sleep, sleep.

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It's all right. You're here.

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You're in the rat cave. You've been asleep a long time.

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How long was I out for?

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-Four days.

-Was it Scott, did Scott lead you to me?

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Scott?

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No. He's useless, he just squeaks and tries to eat his brother,

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doesn't he? No, he can't talk, can he?

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-He's a rat.

-He can talk to people who are interesting and fun.

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That's probably why he didn't want to say anything to you, Sidney.

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All right. Drink that.

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What is this, some potion you've concocted?

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-It's vitamin C.

-Vitamin C?!

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Is that all?! This poison is eating away at my mind, man!

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What have you got for my kidneys? A ham sandwich?!

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Some lemonade?!

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Sid, you disgust me.

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Look, I think it might be time to call it a day with Rattman.

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-What?

-I'm not always going to be there to save you, and, look,

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I keep having this recurring dream.

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It's the one where I get called to the mortuary and they lift up the sheet and it's you.

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You know your flies are undone.

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Are they?

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Don't bring them any closer, I can already smell it from here.

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I can't believe anyone's been near that thing.

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Not for a while.

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Just go back to being a cop, Sleet.

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The Rattman's not just going to run away. He's a hero, dammit.

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You know what the Romans used to do when the enemies were at the gates?

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-Nope.

-They'd close those gates

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and then they'd have big sexy orgies where

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they'd do all the sexes, all the different sex ones with all the...

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Then they'd write poems about it.

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That's what they did when the enemies were at the gates.

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-There's more to it than that.

-There is no more to it than that.

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-Yeah, there was.

-Not at all.

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-They were like the most...

-You're not better at history than me!

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I need to be the Rattman with two Ts because of copyright infringement

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laws, God dammit.

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All right.

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Well, if you're not going to do it for me,

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think of them.

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Meaden, please. Would you indulge an old friend?

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-I'm not sure.

-I don't mean anything perverse or naughty.

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What I was meaning is...

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Have I ever told you about the last few months of my marriage to my wife Helen?

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-QUIET FART

-No.

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Was that you? Was that you or the bed?

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No, no, that was me.

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Was it?

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Was that, that was you?

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-Well, let's keep...

-That was it, that was the noise.

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Let's leave the covers where they lay just for a little bit.

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Let's let that thing work its way out down

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the bottom of the bed.

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Anyway, the story.

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Yes, back to the story.

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Helen couldn't stand being with me any more.

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I don't know why. You know, I became homeless.

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I was living on a park bench.

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And one day I was taking a shit next to a badger's hole.

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This badger, he was just sitting there.

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And I wiped my bum and I pulled up my pants

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and he looked at me and he said,

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AMERICAN ACCENT: "What are you doing with your life?"

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-Was he American?

-Yeah, he was American.

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-American badger.

-Yep.

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So I pulled up my socks and I went out there

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and I got a job in the police.

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And every day I think about that badger.

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So I went back to see him.

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About three months back.

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Guess what I found.

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Some houses. Someone had built houses on the badger's hole.

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I then started really crying and then I smashed some stuff

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in their garden and they called the police and I ran away.

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Erm...

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What...?

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-Is that the end?

-But, yeah, I mean, the end is why would anyone love me?

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Are there any other bedrooms in this place?

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No, this is the only one.

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But you normally sleep in a car,

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are you not more comfortable not sleeping in a bed?

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I thought, how often do you get the chance to sleep in a bed?

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And then I gave half of the bed to you.

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Something I'm slightly regretting now

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since you've been sitting here farting.

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No. That wasn't me, though, was it, really?

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Yes, well, they who smelt it dealt it.

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And he who denied it supplied it.

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-Well, I didn't deny it, you just did.

-Are you just turning into a seven-year-old?

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First of all, you smelt it, then you denied it.

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These are two bits of evidence that would suggest that you,

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Deborah Meaden, were the one who farted in this bed.

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Hold on a minute, hold on a minute. I am 55 years old.

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And you're sitting in bed with a man...

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I'm a grown-up and I can choose what I do with my life.

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OK, Meaden. Shall we try to get some sleep?

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Would you like to sing me a lullaby?

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No. And to be fair, your story was pretty rubbish.

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It ended with a dead badger in a housing estate and you smashing

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things in other people's gardens.

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Well, so be it.

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What to do?

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Hide from the shadows as a Rattman, or...

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..from the light as DI Sleet?

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Quite the conundrum.

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Hey, Scott.

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You got time for a chat, old friend?

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My greatest of allies.

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I need you now more than ever, old friend.

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I don't know what to do, Scott.

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What do I do?

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Do I tell the world that I'm Rattman or do I keep on living a lie?

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You know, the city needs a hero.

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I can't be two things at once, that's impossible.

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What do you think you should do?

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I don't know, if I'm honest.

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I'm no superhero when it comes to brains, I can tell you that.

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I'm just a man. Truth be told,

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when I'm the Rattman I feel special, you know,

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I feel like a beacon of hope.

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Like a beacon of justice.

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You're a great man, Sleet, never forget that.

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Just follow your heart.

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Gee-whiz, thanks, Scott.

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That's a sweet thing for you to say.

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I'll never forget what you did for me, Sleet.

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Rescuing me from that make-up testing lab.

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What was I going to do, leave you there?

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No way, Jose.

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I've got to say you looked pretty sexy with that smoky eye make-up.

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Remember? What do I do about Ramsay, though?

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Do I tell him the truth or do I keep on living a lie?

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There's an old rat saying.

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Sometimes, to protect the ones you love, you have to eat them.

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Wow, Scott, beautiful, beautiful words.

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I think if I read between the lines

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you're saying I should tell Ramsay, right?

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Yeah, you could take it to mean that.

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Trouble is, if he finds out that Sleet is Rattman,

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then I can't be Sleet no more.

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And if he finds out that Rattman is Sleet,

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then I can't be Rattman no more.

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Or something like that.

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Whatever you do, do it for your rookie, Sleet.

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You know that this conversation is just a figment of your imagination

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triggered by the gas, right?

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Yeah, of course I do, Scott, I'm not stupid, but, you know,

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this is pretty much the best conversation

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I've had in a long time. Thanks, old friend.

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Wow, so many sweet faces.

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Miss Delevingne, thank you for coming in, we are Successville PD,

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I'm sure you know who I am.

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Well, well, well, if it isn't DI Sleet.

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Listen, we have information that you placed a rather substantial, large,

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big bet on the racehorse that was Peter Crouch.

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Must have been a little devastating when he lost.

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I don't know what the hell you're talking about, seriously,

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this is so lame.

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If you don't let me out of here I'll get my daddy to buy this entire

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police station and turn it into the Museum of DI Sleet's Tiny Penis.

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I think on walking into the museum that you might find

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that it was, in fact, bigger than you might think it is.

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-Would I?

-Yeah, you would.

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Cos I can imagine you think I have a tiny penis.

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Would I be in for a massive shock?

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Yes, you would, a massive shock.

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Really? What, just no penis at all?

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What? No, I do have a penis...

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Nothing, just smooth?

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No, it's not smooth, I'm not a eunuch.

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Have you seen my guv'nor's penis?

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Hey, let's just leave it.

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Sorry, who gave you permission to speak? Did you give him permission to speak?

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He's allowed to speak when he likes.

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-Who even is he?

-This is Christopher Kamara.

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Are you even qualified to be here?

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Yes, he is, he's my rookie.

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-Oh, dear.

-I'm with him.

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Yeah. Listen, Madam-as-well.

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Madam... Madam-as-well?

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-Have you been to school?

-Madam-as-well, it's French, right?

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-Mademoiselle.

-Madam-as-well.

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Have you even been to France?

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-Yes.

-When?

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I don't know what you're laughing at.

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When I'm laughing I'm serious.

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-That's a weird thing to say.

-That's incredibly weird.

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Right, let's get back to why you're here.

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Go on, gladly.

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What do you know about the death of Alan Shearer?

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I know nothing about horses,

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do I look like I give a shit about horses?

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I mean... Is this seriously the best you can do?

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Don't you have to pass some sort of fitness exam to get into the police?

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Yeah, I passed it with flying colours, I was top of my class.

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In what? Having type 1 diabetes?

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-What?

-Stuffing your face with cake?

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Rolling down a hill?

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Well, actually, I'm very good at rolling down a hill.

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Yeah, it's about all you can muster.

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Guv'nor's cutting down, he only had five meals today.

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How dare you, Chris?

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How dare you?

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I was watching you, guv.

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You...

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I'm sorry, Miss Delevingne, you must think we're a pair of clowns,

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-but we have intelligence...

-Of course I do.

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We have intelligence.

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I doubt that very much.

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-What?

-I doubt that you have any intelligence between you at all.

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You see, I get things done my way.

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OK? When I was six years old I forced my nanny to undergo months of

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plastic surgery to make her look like a mermaid.

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By the time the procedure was completed and her tail was attached

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I'd grown bored of mermaids, so naturally she hanged.

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Sounds a bit fishy to me, guv.

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Was that an attempt at a joke?

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I think it was, he does that to try and lighten the mood.

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It was absolutely terrible.

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Yeah? Reminds me of a story of my own.

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When I was a young boy I had a friend, he was a robot called Bobby.

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Made him out of some old shoe boxes and a matchbox.

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One day I came home from school and my dad had thrown Bobby

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into the garden.

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He said that Bobby was a telltale tit and an idiot.

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He said he was a what?

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He said that Bobby was a telltale tit.

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He said Bobby was no good and he was a telltale tit.

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I remember looking through my bedroom window as the rain fell down

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on Bobby's carcass,

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then I got all his soggy remains and I put them on my pillow and...

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God, you're disgusting.

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So many good people.

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We have a little bit of sad news for you today. Our usual model,

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my husband Bill, is not here.

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No, he's got norovirus. So he can't do his job.

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That's Bill. So I got in touch with an agency

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and I have found a replacement model.

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So please welcome our model for this afternoon, here he is.

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He's very experienced, he's done this a lot of times before.

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Here he is, wonderful.

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Oh, it is a real honour, sir, what a pleasure.

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-Indeed, the honour is all mine.

-Oh!

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Well, that's patronising, OK.

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-Lovely.

-I always try to be patronising.

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So, thank you. Thank you for coming.

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Thank you for agreeing to put pen to paper.

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OK. So, you know all the classical poses, then?

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Would you like me to go with the sleepy tortoise?

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-What?!

-Or the naughty but nice?

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-Or mine's a hot dog.

-Could we see some of those?

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Let me eat all the chips.

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Yep, OK. Anything else?

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-Vinnie's home.

-How...?

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How would that look?

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OK. So, do you have a position you would like?

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-A favourite pose?

-Naughty but nice sounded...

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Sounded intriguing.

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What does that look like? Let's see.

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Not for me. That's similar to Vinnie's home, isn't it?

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-Do you have another...?

-It's nothing like Vinnie's home, Ricardo.

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OK. How about meerkat in fright?

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Meerkat in fright.

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It's a common one.

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No, Dick? You're not liking it?

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Oh, no, I just...

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I didn't believe it was a meerkat in fright.

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Didn't you, Rick? Ricardo? Your new name, Ricardo.

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-Yeah.

-What do you think, Dick?

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He looks more like a constipated baboon.

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-Yeah.

-Which is not...

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If I knew you and I was

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in charge of you in some way, I'd say, "You foolish, nasty man.

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"Don't forget your place."

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OK, let's see meerkat in fright.

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Let's hold the pose. Everyone get ready.

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We've got our charcoals ready.

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Would you like the grand unveiling?

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-Shall I take this off?

-Well,

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you can just get yourself ready.

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There's some charcoal there, if you want.

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Everybody ready?

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OK, let's...

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Oh!

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That is... I thought I'd seen it at all.

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Time to drop these, too.

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Sorry? What's happening?

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No, why are you doing that?

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-That's not...

-Well, it's a nude class,

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everyone's come here to see the meat and the veg and everything.

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Well, maybe we've had...

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Maybe we're full. We don't need pudding.

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Well, I feel a little short-changed, if I came to a nude class and...

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-You know what? Keep the change.

-Yeah, I feel a little short-changed.

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-No, no, let's keep the change.

-Exactly. I mean, if you'd like to see my penis...

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I would love to see it.

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I cannot begin to tell you how much I'd like to see it.

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Well, perhaps you could see it at a separate time.

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For me, I want to keep my lunch down.

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Once I've got the trailer, I don't need to see the movie.

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That's so very charming, but I mean, the thing is,

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you would not wear your shoes in the shower.

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I would at your house.

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I don't have a house so the joke's on you.

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-I live in a car.

-That does not surprise me.

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-Really?

-No.

-It feels a little indignifying that I'm begging to pull my

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penis out in front of people.

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It is. To be honest, it's very...

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I am embarrassed for you right now.

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-But...

-And the pose you want is this one?

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Bit more arch in the back, a little more in the knees...

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-OK.

-Lovely.

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Excellent work, class.

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Really lovely. Wonderful, Dick. That's actually very good.

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Dick is actually really good at this.

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-Sometimes...

-Genuinely really good at this.

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It's the model that makes it, usually.

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-That's true.

-I think he's terrific.

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Keep going, Dick. I love it.

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I really love what Dick is doing.

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The heat in here is freezing.

0:15:410:15:43

I feel that my penis isn't giving a good account of himself.

0:15:430:15:48

Our classes don't raise a lot of money,

0:15:480:15:49

so my overheads are very expensive.

0:15:490:15:51

Yeah, that's not my problem.

0:15:510:15:53

I'm here doing my best.

0:15:530:15:55

Maybe if I was to get one of the class to blow upon my penis.

0:15:550:15:58

Well, my regulars would not do that.

0:15:580:16:01

I don't know how Dick feels about that?

0:16:010:16:03

I would... It would genuinely be an honour.

0:16:030:16:06

Yes. Well, come hither.

0:16:060:16:08

Come hither to blow upon my penis.

0:16:080:16:09

OK, guys. Maybe you can start, start just sketching.

0:16:090:16:12

Ricardo, who do you think you are?

0:16:120:16:14

Get down upon your knees and blow on my penis.

0:16:140:16:16

Dick's done this before.

0:16:170:16:19

He went straight down. Dick didn't need any asking.

0:16:190:16:22

Look up at me. Blow.

0:16:220:16:24

Blow, just make it look normal.

0:16:240:16:28

That's nice. Listen, you need to get a look in that handbag.

0:16:280:16:31

That's nice, actually, well done.

0:16:330:16:35

This is the first good bit of police work you've done.

0:16:350:16:37

-Rattman.

-I called you here to tell you about my identity.

0:16:480:16:53

Go on.

0:16:560:16:57

You see me every day, day, day

0:16:580:17:01

but you never really notice me.

0:17:010:17:04

(Me, me, me.)

0:17:040:17:05

I'm everywhere but nowhere.

0:17:050:17:08

(Where, where.)

0:17:080:17:09

You love me and you hate me at the same time.

0:17:090:17:13

What I'm trying to say is you essentially

0:17:130:17:16

have mixed feelings about me as a person.

0:17:160:17:18

OK.

0:17:220:17:23

Oh, fuck me.

0:17:240:17:25

That's right. That's right.

0:17:250:17:27

Oh, wow. I can't believe it.

0:17:270:17:29

Fucking hell.

0:17:290:17:30

It's a shock, I know.

0:17:300:17:32

-I should have known!

-Well, yeah, I mean,

0:17:320:17:34

we're both cool and we're both epic, right?

0:17:340:17:37

Right.

0:17:370:17:39

I need to know whether you're DI Sleet

0:17:390:17:41

or whether you're fucking Rattman

0:17:410:17:44

because there is... Sorry, who is that?

0:17:440:17:46

That's Linda. She comes here and cleans my guns and stuff.

0:17:460:17:50

Does she need to be here for this?

0:17:500:17:51

She should be... She should...

0:17:510:17:54

Linda, can you step closer?

0:17:540:17:55

Come into this conversation, please.

0:17:550:17:57

Bring your knowledge and your ears.

0:17:570:18:00

Sleet, if you go now, you're letting me down, OK?

0:18:000:18:06

That's not fair.

0:18:060:18:07

Don't give me that. I've given my whole adult life to this force.

0:18:070:18:11

So, that's it?

0:18:110:18:13

You're a superhero now, are you?

0:18:140:18:18

I didn't ask to be a superhero,

0:18:180:18:20

I wanted to be a humble coward like every other Joe.

0:18:200:18:24

You know what, if you walk away now,

0:18:240:18:27

you're letting down every single rookie who walks through your door.

0:18:270:18:31

How dare you say that in front of me?!

0:18:310:18:32

And Linda! How very dare you!

0:18:320:18:35

I actually can't have this conversation

0:18:350:18:38

with Linda standing there.

0:18:380:18:39

-Sorry, Linda.

-You're intimidated by her.

0:18:390:18:41

Well, it's just very, very hard.

0:18:410:18:44

You can't handle her.

0:18:440:18:46

I'm going to go back to the office.

0:18:460:18:48

-You can't handle the fire.

-We can continue the conversation there.

0:18:480:18:50

-So be it.

-Yeah?

-So be it.

0:18:500:18:52

Good. Just come on your own, please, yeah?

0:18:520:18:54

Oh, really? Well, Linda will have to drive me there.

0:18:540:18:56

Fine. She can drive you there.

0:18:560:18:59

That was every bit as hard as you said it would be.

0:18:590:19:02

Thank you for your advice as always.

0:19:030:19:04

Gah!

0:19:040:19:05

Why are all the good ones taken?

0:19:060:19:08

Any chance I can get some squidge?

0:19:090:19:11

A little cuddle?

0:19:110:19:13

Come on.

0:19:130:19:15

That's my gal.

0:19:150:19:16

Great cuddling.

0:19:170:19:19

That is some good cuddling.

0:19:190:19:21

This is Harry Styles and his gang.

0:19:260:19:29

They're as lethal as they are ugly.

0:19:290:19:31

He's a madman.

0:19:310:19:33

You will be able to hear everything I say through that wire.

0:19:330:19:36

Repeat everything I say.

0:19:360:19:40

Repeat everything I say.

0:19:400:19:41

Not now, when you've got the earpiece in and you're in there,

0:19:410:19:44

-that's when you repeat everything I say.

-OK.

-You need to be tough in there, kid.

0:19:440:19:47

And we think it's all right on my first day to go in there?

0:19:470:19:50

-What, are you scared?

-No, I'm not scared, obviously.

0:19:500:19:52

-What do you want? You want me to send you down to plant some flowers at the roundabout?

-No, I want...

0:19:520:19:55

-Do you know what I did on my first day?

-What?

0:19:550:19:57

I took a gun, I went down to a biker gang...

0:19:570:20:00

-Yeah.

-And I took them all out for no goddamn reason.

0:20:000:20:04

How does that make you feel?

0:20:050:20:07

-Are you scared of me?

-No.

0:20:070:20:09

Why not? Why would you not be scared when I tell you I've killed people?

0:20:090:20:11

-Do you think I'm pathetic?

-No.

0:20:110:20:13

Do you think people have sex with my wife behind my back?

0:20:130:20:15

-No.

-They do.

0:20:150:20:16

-Is that funny?

-No, it's not funny at all.

0:20:180:20:20

-That's why...

-Have you had sex with my wife?

-No, I have not.

-Have you had sex?

0:20:200:20:23

-Look me in the eye.

-He does this to everyone.

0:20:230:20:25

You shut your face.

0:20:250:20:26

Be on your way. Go! Get out.

0:20:260:20:27

You disgust me.

0:20:270:20:29

Is this...? This is safe, isn't it?

0:20:300:20:31

-It's not safe.

-OK.

0:20:310:20:33

How are they doing beating him up?

0:20:330:20:35

Poor slug. Hey, do you know how you kill a slug?

0:20:350:20:38

-Pour salt on it.

-Exactly.

0:20:380:20:39

You know if you put a stone in a piece of bread and give it to a pigeon,

0:20:390:20:43

-it can't fly?

-It's a shame this murder case is getting in the way,

0:20:430:20:45

I'd like to give that a try.

0:20:450:20:47

Sweet Jamie.

0:20:470:20:48

Great men don't shit their pants.

0:20:500:20:55

Go get 'em, soldier.

0:20:550:20:56

Nice and tight.

0:20:570:20:59

Do you know what we're going to do to you, policeman?

0:20:590:21:01

We're going to beat you senseless, then we're going to kill you.

0:21:010:21:04

It stinks in here.

0:21:040:21:06

It stinks in here.

0:21:060:21:08

What is this? A fart factory?

0:21:080:21:11

Who the fuck are you?

0:21:110:21:13

I am Marvin Eaglecock.

0:21:130:21:15

I am Marvin Eaglecock, a freelance hell-raiser,

0:21:150:21:19

looking for some action.

0:21:190:21:21

I'm a crime robot that turns into a crime lorry.

0:21:210:21:24

I'm a crime robot who turns into a crime lorry.

0:21:240:21:28

I am Optimus Crime.

0:21:290:21:30

Who's he, then? Your girlfriend?

0:21:320:21:34

Do you want me to tear you a new arsehole?

0:21:350:21:37

I might rip it there so you get shit in your eyes.

0:21:370:21:40

You'll never...

0:21:400:21:41

What?

0:21:430:21:44

You will never get near my arsehole.

0:21:450:21:48

You finished, have you? That was very nice.

0:21:480:21:50

Seemed a little bit stuttery.

0:21:500:21:52

You nervous? Do you think I have nerves?

0:21:520:21:55

I literally don't have nerves.

0:21:550:21:57

I have titanium flipping wires.

0:21:570:22:00

Watch this.

0:22:000:22:01

Oh, God.

0:22:030:22:04

And it's back. Ba-da-bing.

0:22:060:22:08

Didn't feel a thing.

0:22:080:22:10

Tell him that's the coolest thing you've ever seen.

0:22:100:22:12

Hellfire, that's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

0:22:140:22:17

And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread...

0:22:210:22:25

..with a...

0:22:270:22:28

Ha! Ha-ha!

0:22:320:22:35

And I've seen a pigeon

0:22:350:22:36

eat some bread with a stone in it and it couldn't...

0:22:360:22:39

..fly...

0:22:410:22:43

I like him. I like him. Come and take a seat.

0:22:430:22:45

Just sit down now. Going to be OK.

0:22:470:22:49

Let's hear what you've got to say now.

0:22:550:22:57

Do you want to know a little bit about my past?

0:22:570:22:59

-Go on.

-Two years ago,

0:22:590:23:02

I was in the Los Bandos.

0:23:020:23:04

HE SPEAKS UNIDENTIFIABLE LANGUAGE

0:23:040:23:06

HE CONTINUES

0:23:080:23:10

HE TRIES TO IMITATE SLEET

0:23:100:23:12

That's...Spanish.

0:23:180:23:21

Those are bold words.

0:23:210:23:22

How many people have you killed?

0:23:220:23:24

Five.

0:23:240:23:25

Thousand.

0:23:260:23:28

Six.

0:23:280:23:29

5,600.

0:23:300:23:32

And...

0:23:330:23:35

20.

0:23:350:23:36

One.

0:23:370:23:38

Native...

0:23:390:23:41

Native American Indians.

0:23:440:23:46

Oh, that's a bit specific.

0:23:460:23:48

-Very specific.

-Right.

0:23:480:23:50

OK.

0:23:500:23:51

You're in.

0:23:510:23:52

Hey, Chief.

0:23:590:24:01

Are you looking at a picture of me there?

0:24:010:24:02

Walking down memory lane, eh?

0:24:040:24:05

Some good times in this office, me and you.

0:24:060:24:08

You remember that time that you gave me a present

0:24:090:24:12

and it was a raven in a box and it flew out

0:24:120:24:14

and started pecking at my eyes and I shot it in the face?

0:24:140:24:17

-Your birthday.

-Yeah.

0:24:180:24:21

Only time you ever got me a present.

0:24:210:24:23

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

0:24:240:24:26

Get a seat, sir.

0:24:260:24:27

How do you think we are going to be remembered?

0:24:360:24:38

Two good guys fighting crime in this city or do you think our names are

0:24:380:24:43

going to be lost in the sands of time?

0:24:430:24:45

Your decision, Sleet. I need to know your decision.

0:24:450:24:48

Well, I've made my decision, Chief.

0:24:480:24:49

-Unmake it.

-I can't do that.

0:24:490:24:52

I'll pay you more.

0:24:520:24:53

You'll get a...

0:24:540:24:55

..corner office. Another badge on your chest.

0:24:570:24:59

Statue of you in your fucking room. Come on, Sleet. Don't make me beg.

0:24:590:25:03

They are all kind things, but no dice, Chief.

0:25:030:25:06

Hey, you know why I became a cop?

0:25:080:25:11

I just assumed it was some terrible computer error or that you were

0:25:120:25:17

somebody important's mentally challenged nephew.

0:25:170:25:20

No, no, no, it's neither of those things.

0:25:200:25:22

When I was a young boy, I had a condition which meant I produced

0:25:230:25:28

600% more saliva than most children of my age.

0:25:280:25:32

Kids at school got a real kick out of teasing me, let me tell you.

0:25:320:25:36

Called me loads of different names.

0:25:360:25:39

Some people used to call me Rain Mouth or Shower Tongue.

0:25:390:25:43

One boy just said I had more water in my mouth than the ocean.

0:25:430:25:47

Kids can be mean, eh? One day, the taunts got too much and...

0:25:480:25:53

I sprinted out of class,

0:25:530:25:55

fluid spilling from my mouth like an overrunning bath,

0:25:550:25:59

went to the woods behind the school, kept on running,

0:25:590:26:02

deeper and deeper into the woods, until I found myself lost,

0:26:020:26:06

and scared and alone.

0:26:060:26:09

Fortunately for me, dehydration wasn't an issue.

0:26:090:26:11

I had a month's worth of liquid stored in my mouth.

0:26:110:26:15

Three days later, a guy found me.

0:26:150:26:18

He was a cop. He put his jacket around me and he told me everything

0:26:180:26:22

was going to be OK. I remember this day,

0:26:220:26:25

the sun glistening off his badge and I thought to myself,

0:26:250:26:29

"that is what I want to do." I want to make a difference, Chief.

0:26:290:26:34

What happened next?

0:26:340:26:36

I left school and I enrolled in the Police Academy.

0:26:360:26:38

No, no, no, with the saliva thing,

0:26:380:26:40

that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life.

0:26:400:26:43

Oh, I had an operation on my saliva glands.

0:26:430:26:45

That's fine now, it just means I can't lick stamps any more.

0:26:450:26:48

That's been the toughest decision I've ever had to make, Chief,

0:26:480:26:51

but just a cop to another cop, I can't do this no more.

0:26:510:26:53

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:26:560:26:58

Bye. Bye, then, Sleet.

0:27:050:27:07

See you, Chief.

0:27:070:27:08

Hey, if you ever want to knock the top off a cold one or a game of gin

0:27:110:27:15

rummy, you know where I am.

0:27:150:27:18

There, you silly snake.

0:27:210:27:22

Oh, Chief, one last thing.

0:27:250:27:28

In a few years' time,

0:27:280:27:30

you have a little boy and that little boy burns

0:27:300:27:32

a hole in the rug in the front room.

0:27:320:27:35

Don't go too hard on him, eh?

0:27:370:27:39

OK.

0:27:410:27:42

Bye, sweet prince.

0:27:420:27:44

MUSIC: Wind Of Change by Scorpions

0:27:440:27:46

# ..listening to the wind of change

0:27:460:27:52

See you, Chief.

0:27:520:27:54

# August summer night

0:27:540:27:56

# Soldiers passing by

0:27:560:27:59

# Listening to the wind of change

0:27:590:28:06

# The world is closing in

0:28:290:28:31

# And did you ever think

0:28:310:28:34

# That we could be so close, like brothers?

0:28:340:28:41

# The future's in the air

0:28:430:28:45

# I can feel it everywhere

0:28:450:28:48

# Blowing with the wind of change

0:28:480:28:55

# Take me to the magic of the moment

0:28:570:29:02

# On a glory night

0:29:020:29:05

# Where the children of tomorrow dream away

0:29:060:29:11

# In the wind of change. #

0:29:110:29:15

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