The Big Sleet Murder in Successville

Criminals look down on us from their ivory towers.

So much so that we rely on a masked vigilante, the Rattman,

to protect us.

It's crime-fighting time.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

I'm going to get you, Rattman!

EVIL LAUGHTER

COUGHING

Is the canteen closed, Matron?

I want a bacon sandwich.

Please. No, is that a...? It can't be. Please, no.

No more. No more gas, termite!

-No more gas!

-Sleep, sleep.

It's all right. You're here.

You're in the rat cave. You've been asleep a long time.

How long was I out for?

-Four days.

-Was it Scott, did Scott lead you to me?

Scott?

No. He's useless, he just squeaks and tries to eat his brother,

doesn't he? No, he can't talk, can he?

-He's a rat.

-He can talk to people who are interesting and fun.

That's probably why he didn't want to say anything to you, Sidney.

All right. Drink that.

What is this, some potion you've concocted?

-It's vitamin C.

-Vitamin C?!

Is that all?! This poison is eating away at my mind, man!

What have you got for my kidneys? A ham sandwich?!

Some lemonade?!

Sid, you disgust me.

Look, I think it might be time to call it a day with Rattman.

-What?

-I'm not always going to be there to save you, and, look,

I keep having this recurring dream.

It's the one where I get called to the mortuary and they lift up the sheet and it's you.

You know your flies are undone.

Are they?

Don't bring them any closer, I can already smell it from here.

I can't believe anyone's been near that thing.

Not for a while.

Just go back to being a cop, Sleet.

The Rattman's not just going to run away. He's a hero, dammit.

You know what the Romans used to do when the enemies were at the gates?

-Nope.

-They'd close those gates

and then they'd have big sexy orgies where

they'd do all the sexes, all the different sex ones with all the...

Then they'd write poems about it.

That's what they did when the enemies were at the gates.

-There's more to it than that.

-There is no more to it than that.

-Yeah, there was.

-Not at all.

-They were like the most...

-You're not better at history than me!

I need to be the Rattman with two Ts because of copyright infringement

laws, God dammit.

All right.

Well, if you're not going to do it for me,

think of them.

Meaden, please. Would you indulge an old friend?

-I'm not sure.

-I don't mean anything perverse or naughty.

What I was meaning is...

Have I ever told you about the last few months of my marriage to my wife Helen?

-QUIET FART

-No.

Was that you? Was that you or the bed?

No, no, that was me.

Was it?

Was that, that was you?

-Well, let's keep...

-That was it, that was the noise.

Let's leave the covers where they lay just for a little bit.

Let's let that thing work its way out down

the bottom of the bed.

Anyway, the story.

Yes, back to the story.

Helen couldn't stand being with me any more.

I don't know why. You know, I became homeless.

I was living on a park bench.

And one day I was taking a shit next to a badger's hole.

This badger, he was just sitting there.

And I wiped my bum and I pulled up my pants

and he looked at me and he said,

AMERICAN ACCENT: "What are you doing with your life?"

-Was he American?

-Yeah, he was American.

-American badger.

-Yep.

So I pulled up my socks and I went out there

and I got a job in the police.

And every day I think about that badger.

So I went back to see him.

About three months back.

Guess what I found.

Some houses. Someone had built houses on the badger's hole.

I then started really crying and then I smashed some stuff

in their garden and they called the police and I ran away.

Erm...

What...?

-Is that the end?

-But, yeah, I mean, the end is why would anyone love me?

Are there any other bedrooms in this place?

No, this is the only one.

But you normally sleep in a car,

are you not more comfortable not sleeping in a bed?

I thought, how often do you get the chance to sleep in a bed?

And then I gave half of the bed to you.

Something I'm slightly regretting now

since you've been sitting here farting.

No. That wasn't me, though, was it, really?

Yes, well, they who smelt it dealt it.

And he who denied it supplied it.

-Well, I didn't deny it, you just did.

-Are you just turning into a seven-year-old?

First of all, you smelt it, then you denied it.

These are two bits of evidence that would suggest that you,

Deborah Meaden, were the one who farted in this bed.

Hold on a minute, hold on a minute. I am 55 years old.

And you're sitting in bed with a man...

I'm a grown-up and I can choose what I do with my life.

OK, Meaden. Shall we try to get some sleep?

Would you like to sing me a lullaby?

No. And to be fair, your story was pretty rubbish.

It ended with a dead badger in a housing estate and you smashing

things in other people's gardens.

Well, so be it.

What to do?

Hide from the shadows as a Rattman, or...

..from the light as DI Sleet?

Quite the conundrum.

Hey, Scott.

You got time for a chat, old friend?

My greatest of allies.

I need you now more than ever, old friend.

I don't know what to do, Scott.

What do I do?

Do I tell the world that I'm Rattman or do I keep on living a lie?

You know, the city needs a hero.

I can't be two things at once, that's impossible.

What do you think you should do?

I don't know, if I'm honest.

I'm no superhero when it comes to brains, I can tell you that.

I'm just a man. Truth be told,

when I'm the Rattman I feel special, you know,

I feel like a beacon of hope.

Like a beacon of justice.

You're a great man, Sleet, never forget that.

Just follow your heart.

Gee-whiz, thanks, Scott.

That's a sweet thing for you to say.

I'll never forget what you did for me, Sleet.

Rescuing me from that make-up testing lab.

What was I going to do, leave you there?

No way, Jose.

I've got to say you looked pretty sexy with that smoky eye make-up.

Remember? What do I do about Ramsay, though?

Do I tell him the truth or do I keep on living a lie?

There's an old rat saying.

Sometimes, to protect the ones you love, you have to eat them.

Wow, Scott, beautiful, beautiful words.

I think if I read between the lines

you're saying I should tell Ramsay, right?

Yeah, you could take it to mean that.

Trouble is, if he finds out that Sleet is Rattman,

then I can't be Sleet no more.

And if he finds out that Rattman is Sleet,

then I can't be Rattman no more.

Or something like that.

Whatever you do, do it for your rookie, Sleet.

You know that this conversation is just a figment of your imagination

triggered by the gas, right?

Yeah, of course I do, Scott, I'm not stupid, but, you know,

this is pretty much the best conversation

I've had in a long time. Thanks, old friend.

Wow, so many sweet faces.

Miss Delevingne, thank you for coming in, we are Successville PD,

I'm sure you know who I am.

Well, well, well, if it isn't DI Sleet.

Listen, we have information that you placed a rather substantial, large,

big bet on the racehorse that was Peter Crouch.

Must have been a little devastating when he lost.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about, seriously,

this is so lame.

If you don't let me out of here I'll get my daddy to buy this entire

police station and turn it into the Museum of DI Sleet's Tiny Penis.

I think on walking into the museum that you might find

that it was, in fact, bigger than you might think it is.

-Would I?

-Yeah, you would.

Cos I can imagine you think I have a tiny penis.

Would I be in for a massive shock?

Yes, you would, a massive shock.

Really? What, just no penis at all?

What? No, I do have a penis...

Nothing, just smooth?

No, it's not smooth, I'm not a eunuch.

Have you seen my guv'nor's penis?

Hey, let's just leave it.

Sorry, who gave you permission to speak? Did you give him permission to speak?

He's allowed to speak when he likes.

-Who even is he?

-This is Christopher Kamara.

Are you even qualified to be here?

Yes, he is, he's my rookie.

-Oh, dear.

-I'm with him.

Yeah. Listen, Madam-as-well.

Madam... Madam-as-well?

-Have you been to school?

-Madam-as-well, it's French, right?

-Mademoiselle.

-Madam-as-well.

Have you even been to France?

-Yes.

-When?

I don't know what you're laughing at.

When I'm laughing I'm serious.

-That's a weird thing to say.

-That's incredibly weird.

Right, let's get back to why you're here.

Go on, gladly.

What do you know about the death of Alan Shearer?

I know nothing about horses,

do I look like I give a shit about horses?

I mean... Is this seriously the best you can do?

Don't you have to pass some sort of fitness exam to get into the police?

Yeah, I passed it with flying colours, I was top of my class.

In what? Having type 1 diabetes?

-What?

-Stuffing your face with cake?

Rolling down a hill?

Well, actually, I'm very good at rolling down a hill.

Yeah, it's about all you can muster.

Guv'nor's cutting down, he only had five meals today.

How dare you, Chris?

How dare you?

I was watching you, guv.

You...

I'm sorry, Miss Delevingne, you must think we're a pair of clowns,

-but we have intelligence...

-Of course I do.

We have intelligence.

I doubt that very much.

-What?

-I doubt that you have any intelligence between you at all.

You see, I get things done my way.

OK? When I was six years old I forced my nanny to undergo months of

plastic surgery to make her look like a mermaid.

By the time the procedure was completed and her tail was attached

I'd grown bored of mermaids, so naturally she hanged.

Sounds a bit fishy to me, guv.

Was that an attempt at a joke?

I think it was, he does that to try and lighten the mood.

It was absolutely terrible.

Yeah? Reminds me of a story of my own.

When I was a young boy I had a friend, he was a robot called Bobby.

Made him out of some old shoe boxes and a matchbox.

One day I came home from school and my dad had thrown Bobby

into the garden.

He said that Bobby was a telltale tit and an idiot.

He said he was a what?

He said that Bobby was a telltale tit.

He said Bobby was no good and he was a telltale tit.

I remember looking through my bedroom window as the rain fell down

on Bobby's carcass,

then I got all his soggy remains and I put them on my pillow and...

God, you're disgusting.

So many good people.

We have a little bit of sad news for you today. Our usual model,

my husband Bill, is not here.

No, he's got norovirus. So he can't do his job.

That's Bill. So I got in touch with an agency

and I have found a replacement model.

So please welcome our model for this afternoon, here he is.

He's very experienced, he's done this a lot of times before.

Here he is, wonderful.

Oh, it is a real honour, sir, what a pleasure.

-Indeed, the honour is all mine.

-Oh!

Well, that's patronising, OK.

-Lovely.

-I always try to be patronising.

So, thank you. Thank you for coming.

Thank you for agreeing to put pen to paper.

OK. So, you know all the classical poses, then?

Would you like me to go with the sleepy tortoise?

-What?!

-Or the naughty but nice?

-Or mine's a hot dog.

-Could we see some of those?

Let me eat all the chips.

Yep, OK. Anything else?

-Vinnie's home.

-How...?

How would that look?

OK. So, do you have a position you would like?

-A favourite pose?

-Naughty but nice sounded...

Sounded intriguing.

What does that look like? Let's see.

Not for me. That's similar to Vinnie's home, isn't it?

-Do you have another...?

-It's nothing like Vinnie's home, Ricardo.

OK. How about meerkat in fright?

Meerkat in fright.

It's a common one.

No, Dick? You're not liking it?

Oh, no, I just...

I didn't believe it was a meerkat in fright.

Didn't you, Rick? Ricardo? Your new name, Ricardo.

-Yeah.

-What do you think, Dick?

He looks more like a constipated baboon.

-Yeah.

-Which is not...

If I knew you and I was

in charge of you in some way, I'd say, "You foolish, nasty man.

"Don't forget your place."

OK, let's see meerkat in fright.

Let's hold the pose. Everyone get ready.

We've got our charcoals ready.

Would you like the grand unveiling?

-Shall I take this off?

-Well,

you can just get yourself ready.

There's some charcoal there, if you want.

Everybody ready?

OK, let's...

Oh!

That is... I thought I'd seen it at all.

Time to drop these, too.

Sorry? What's happening?

No, why are you doing that?

-That's not...

-Well, it's a nude class,

everyone's come here to see the meat and the veg and everything.

Well, maybe we've had...

Maybe we're full. We don't need pudding.

Well, I feel a little short-changed, if I came to a nude class and...

-You know what? Keep the change.

-Yeah, I feel a little short-changed.

-No, no, let's keep the change.

-Exactly. I mean, if you'd like to see my penis...

I would love to see it.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'd like to see it.

Well, perhaps you could see it at a separate time.

For me, I want to keep my lunch down.

Once I've got the trailer, I don't need to see the movie.

That's so very charming, but I mean, the thing is,

you would not wear your shoes in the shower.

I would at your house.

I don't have a house so the joke's on you.

-I live in a car.

-That does not surprise me.

-Really?

-No.

-It feels a little indignifying that I'm begging to pull my

penis out in front of people.

It is. To be honest, it's very...

I am embarrassed for you right now.

-But...

-And the pose you want is this one?

Bit more arch in the back, a little more in the knees...

-OK.

-Lovely.

Excellent work, class.

Really lovely. Wonderful, Dick. That's actually very good.

Dick is actually really good at this.

-Sometimes...

-Genuinely really good at this.

It's the model that makes it, usually.

-That's true.

-I think he's terrific.

Keep going, Dick. I love it.

I really love what Dick is doing.

The heat in here is freezing.

I feel that my penis isn't giving a good account of himself.

Our classes don't raise a lot of money,

so my overheads are very expensive.

Yeah, that's not my problem.

I'm here doing my best.

Maybe if I was to get one of the class to blow upon my penis.

Well, my regulars would not do that.

I don't know how Dick feels about that?

I would... It would genuinely be an honour.

Yes. Well, come hither.

Come hither to blow upon my penis.

OK, guys. Maybe you can start, start just sketching.

Ricardo, who do you think you are?

Get down upon your knees and blow on my penis.

Dick's done this before.

He went straight down. Dick didn't need any asking.

Look up at me. Blow.

Blow, just make it look normal.

That's nice. Listen, you need to get a look in that handbag.

That's nice, actually, well done.

This is the first good bit of police work you've done.

-Rattman.

-I called you here to tell you about my identity.

Go on.

You see me every day, day, day

but you never really notice me.

(Me, me, me.)

I'm everywhere but nowhere.

(Where, where.)

You love me and you hate me at the same time.

What I'm trying to say is you essentially

have mixed feelings about me as a person.

OK.

Oh, fuck me.

That's right. That's right.

Oh, wow. I can't believe it.

Fucking hell.

It's a shock, I know.

-I should have known!

-Well, yeah, I mean,

we're both cool and we're both epic, right?

Right.

I need to know whether you're DI Sleet

or whether you're fucking Rattman

because there is... Sorry, who is that?

That's Linda. She comes here and cleans my guns and stuff.

Does she need to be here for this?

She should be... She should...

Linda, can you step closer?

Come into this conversation, please.

Bring your knowledge and your ears.

Sleet, if you go now, you're letting me down, OK?

That's not fair.

Don't give me that. I've given my whole adult life to this force.

So, that's it?

You're a superhero now, are you?

I didn't ask to be a superhero,

I wanted to be a humble coward like every other Joe.

You know what, if you walk away now,

you're letting down every single rookie who walks through your door.

How dare you say that in front of me?!

And Linda! How very dare you!

I actually can't have this conversation

with Linda standing there.

-Sorry, Linda.

-You're intimidated by her.

Well, it's just very, very hard.

You can't handle her.

I'm going to go back to the office.

-You can't handle the fire.

-We can continue the conversation there.

-So be it.

-Yeah?

-So be it.

Good. Just come on your own, please, yeah?

Oh, really? Well, Linda will have to drive me there.

Fine. She can drive you there.

That was every bit as hard as you said it would be.

Thank you for your advice as always.

Gah!

Why are all the good ones taken?

Any chance I can get some squidge?

A little cuddle?

Come on.

That's my gal.

Great cuddling.

That is some good cuddling.

This is Harry Styles and his gang.

They're as lethal as they are ugly.

He's a madman.

You will be able to hear everything I say through that wire.

Repeat everything I say.

Repeat everything I say.

Not now, when you've got the earpiece in and you're in there,

-that's when you repeat everything I say.

-OK.

-You need to be tough in there, kid.

And we think it's all right on my first day to go in there?

-What, are you scared?

-No, I'm not scared, obviously.

-What do you want? You want me to send you down to plant some flowers at the roundabout?

-No, I want...

-Do you know what I did on my first day?

-What?

I took a gun, I went down to a biker gang...

-Yeah.

-And I took them all out for no goddamn reason.

How does that make you feel?

-Are you scared of me?

-No.

Why not? Why would you not be scared when I tell you I've killed people?

-Do you think I'm pathetic?

-No.

Do you think people have sex with my wife behind my back?

-No.

-They do.

-Is that funny?

-No, it's not funny at all.

-That's why...

-Have you had sex with my wife?

-No, I have not.

-Have you had sex?

-Look me in the eye.

-He does this to everyone.

You shut your face.

Be on your way. Go! Get out.

You disgust me.

Is this...? This is safe, isn't it?

-It's not safe.

-OK.

How are they doing beating him up?

Poor slug. Hey, do you know how you kill a slug?

-Pour salt on it.

-Exactly.

You know if you put a stone in a piece of bread and give it to a pigeon,

-it can't fly?

-It's a shame this murder case is getting in the way,

I'd like to give that a try.

Sweet Jamie.

Great men don't shit their pants.

Go get 'em, soldier.

Nice and tight.

Do you know what we're going to do to you, policeman?

We're going to beat you senseless, then we're going to kill you.

It stinks in here.

It stinks in here.

What is this? A fart factory?

Who the fuck are you?

I am Marvin Eaglecock.

I am Marvin Eaglecock, a freelance hell-raiser,

looking for some action.

I'm a crime robot that turns into a crime lorry.

I'm a crime robot who turns into a crime lorry.

I am Optimus Crime.

Who's he, then? Your girlfriend?

Do you want me to tear you a new arsehole?

I might rip it there so you get shit in your eyes.

You'll never...

What?

You will never get near my arsehole.

You finished, have you? That was very nice.

Seemed a little bit stuttery.

You nervous? Do you think I have nerves?

I literally don't have nerves.

I have titanium flipping wires.

Watch this.

Oh, God.

And it's back. Ba-da-bing.

Didn't feel a thing.

Tell him that's the coolest thing you've ever seen.

Hellfire, that's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread...

..with a...

Ha! Ha-ha!

And I've seen a pigeon

eat some bread with a stone in it and it couldn't...

..fly...

I like him. I like him. Come and take a seat.

Just sit down now. Going to be OK.

Let's hear what you've got to say now.

Do you want to know a little bit about my past?

-Go on.

-Two years ago,

I was in the Los Bandos.

HE SPEAKS UNIDENTIFIABLE LANGUAGE

HE CONTINUES

HE TRIES TO IMITATE SLEET

That's...Spanish.

Those are bold words.

How many people have you killed?

Five.

Thousand.

Six.

5,600.

And...

20.

One.

Native...

Native American Indians.

Oh, that's a bit specific.

-Very specific.

-Right.

OK.

You're in.

Hey, Chief.

Are you looking at a picture of me there?

Walking down memory lane, eh?

Some good times in this office, me and you.

You remember that time that you gave me a present

and it was a raven in a box and it flew out

and started pecking at my eyes and I shot it in the face?

-Your birthday.

-Yeah.

Only time you ever got me a present.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

Get a seat, sir.

How do you think we are going to be remembered?

Two good guys fighting crime in this city or do you think our names are

going to be lost in the sands of time?

Your decision, Sleet. I need to know your decision.

Well, I've made my decision, Chief.

-Unmake it.

-I can't do that.

I'll pay you more.

You'll get a...

..corner office. Another badge on your chest.

Statue of you in your fucking room. Come on, Sleet. Don't make me beg.

They are all kind things, but no dice, Chief.

Hey, you know why I became a cop?

I just assumed it was some terrible computer error or that you were

somebody important's mentally challenged nephew.

No, no, no, it's neither of those things.

When I was a young boy, I had a condition which meant I produced

600% more saliva than most children of my age.

Kids at school got a real kick out of teasing me, let me tell you.

Called me loads of different names.

Some people used to call me Rain Mouth or Shower Tongue.

One boy just said I had more water in my mouth than the ocean.

Kids can be mean, eh? One day, the taunts got too much and...

I sprinted out of class,

fluid spilling from my mouth like an overrunning bath,

went to the woods behind the school, kept on running,

deeper and deeper into the woods, until I found myself lost,

and scared and alone.

Fortunately for me, dehydration wasn't an issue.

I had a month's worth of liquid stored in my mouth.

Three days later, a guy found me.

He was a cop. He put his jacket around me and he told me everything

was going to be OK. I remember this day,

the sun glistening off his badge and I thought to myself,

"that is what I want to do." I want to make a difference, Chief.

What happened next?

I left school and I enrolled in the Police Academy.

No, no, no, with the saliva thing,

that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life.

Oh, I had an operation on my saliva glands.

That's fine now, it just means I can't lick stamps any more.

That's been the toughest decision I've ever had to make, Chief,

but just a cop to another cop, I can't do this no more.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Bye. Bye, then, Sleet.

See you, Chief.

Hey, if you ever want to knock the top off a cold one or a game of gin

rummy, you know where I am.

There, you silly snake.

Oh, Chief, one last thing.

In a few years' time,

you have a little boy and that little boy burns

a hole in the rug in the front room.

Don't go too hard on him, eh?

OK.

Bye, sweet prince.

MUSIC: Wind Of Change by Scorpions

# ..listening to the wind of change

See you, Chief.

# August summer night

# Soldiers passing by

# Listening to the wind of change

# The world is closing in

# And did you ever think

# That we could be so close, like brothers?

# The future's in the air

# I can feel it everywhere

# Blowing with the wind of change

# Take me to the magic of the moment

# On a glory night

# Where the children of tomorrow dream away

# In the wind of change. #