A Rat's Tale Murder in Successville

This programme contains strong language

Hello, my name is Stephen, better known to some of you as Professor Green.

But today, I'm becoming a copper

and being thrown into a live murder mystery.

I've got no script and no idea what's going to happen to me.

So, wish me luck as I try to solve a murder in Successville.

'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

'Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law -

'and when they do, I'm here to bring them down.

'I'm DI Sleet.

'On my passport, under profession, it just says Rule Breaker.

'And under date of birth, it says mind your own goddamn business.

'Sure, it makes international travel incredibly difficult,

'but that's just the kind of guy I am.'

Hey, I just made you a cake.

Just a small gesture.

Oh, nice.

Hey, Mr Grylls, well done on your promotion.

Cake?

I made you a cake because I think you're amazing.

Sanctimonious, condescending, preening, pious,

holier-than-thou piss-drinking...

WANKER!

You OK? Something grinding your gears, Chief? What's up?

Bear-fucking-Grylls, who else?

Our new soon-to-be Police Commissioner...

Oh, let us all bow, you twat.

Chief, I mean, this is all a bit OTT, don't you think?

Chillax.

What's that?

Ah, nothing. Just a cake I made for the new Commissioner.

Just to say well done.

Hey, do you know what else I got?

This.

Best bit of all?

-CARD:

-'You have the right to remain sexy.'

Well, very...

Politically astute, Sleet.

Thank you, Chief. Thank you very much.

Rookie? Hi.

-How are you doing? You all right, mate?

-Yeah, I'm OK...mate.

Yeah, what's your name?

-Stephen.

-Stephen. Hi, Stephen.

This hulking, brown-nosing toad is DI Sleet.

He's your boss for today.

You two should get on like a house that's actually on fire.

Mmm! Is that grenadine?

Yes, it is, Sir. Well noticed.

-Delicious.

-A little bit of saffron, bit of brandy really brings it out.

Just like my mother makes it.

Well, that's your mother's recipe.

-What?

-Well, we hook up on Mumsnet.

She gives me recipes, knitting tips.

-He knows your mum?

-Yeah. She's a hell of a woman, let me tell you.

-I mean, she's nothing much to look at...

-Stop, stop!

..but she's got a lovely personality.

Stop talking to the rookie about my mother, please.

You should phone her more.

I want you two to get down to the press conference right now

for our beloved new Police Commissioner.

Yes, and make sure that nothing untoward happens to him,

like him choking on his own sanctimonious bullshit, yes?

Right.

Stephen, let's see what our new Commissioner has in store for

this city of sin.

Hey, do you want to get some doughnuts on the way?

I want you to think of Successville as an ocean.

Once teeming with life,

but now, a layer of scum has formed over the top of the water,

blocking out the light.

It's in a state of decay.

Criminals look down at us from their ivory towers.

-Pricks.

-So much so that we rely on a masked vigilante,

The Rattman, to protect us.

That sounds pretty cool, huh?

And, worst of all, there is an enemy at the gates of Successville.

And their name is The Termite.

And I, along with a few good, brave men...

Did he point at... He pointed at me then, right?

..intend to stamp The Termite out!

Yes!

Well said, Commissioner.

Well said.

EVIL CACKLE

The Termite is here.

Stephen, tend to him.

Everybody, up, up, up!

Don't you write about this or I'll blow your head off.

Give that to Sleet.

Get out! Are you The Termite? Are you The Termite?

Listen to me.

I have whittled the identity of The Termite down to three people.

Those three people are on that bit of paper.

Acid is making my internal organs fail.

My ability to narrate what is happening to me diminishing.

-Tell Sleet that I believe in him.

-I will.

And that he carries himself well for a big man.

-He'll like that.

-Catch The Termite.

That didn't actually work out as coolly as I thought it would.

Did he say anything, Stephen?

He said you carry yourself very well for a bigger man.

-Did he really say that?

-Yeah.

We must give this man a send-off he deserves.

Right. Out of the way.

Betsy, his wife, is going to be devastated.

Poor bloke.

Come here.

Give this man the dignity he deserves.

Give this man the dignity he deserves!

Coming through!

Coming through!

Coming through!

I'm actually... I'm just regretting.

-That's it.

-Let's put him down softly. Softly! Oh, God.

-Are you OK?

-No, I'm worried about, I know he's dead...

Don't worry, it's fine. Let's get him out.

It's easier if we get him back here.

-That's fine.

-I know he's dead, but...

We are going to catch The Termite if it's the last thing we do.

First name on Grylls' list, corrupt tech zillionaire Piers Morgan.

Time to dance the undercover jig once more.

Look at them, disgusting worms.

Crawling through their sad little lives,

staring down at the ground, waiting to die.

That's why I built this tower.

To give them something to aspire to.

You're quite fat, aren't you?

-Me?

-Look at you, fatso.

-You fat, silly butterfly...

-All right...

-..flapping your grubby wings in my office.

-I...

I ought to pull off those fat wings and stick you to the wall,

-didn't I, fatso?

-Well, I...

What have you got to say to that, prick?

Well, I'm not actually a butterfly.

No, I didn't say you were, I said you're like a butterfly, you idiot.

I... OK.

Did you overeat as a child?

No! I mean, I was partial...

Is it because of the relationship with your mother?

What?

Your Oedipal relationship,

where you subconsciously wanted to have sex with her?

I can assure you that...

You wanted to have sex with your own mother, didn't you?

No, I... No, I didn't.

What does your mother do?

-She's sexy... Sex...

-Sexy?

-She's a sex...

-She's a sexy mummy?

She's a typist, sir, a typist. A good, honest typist.

Interesting.

-It's a hell of a view you have up here. Beautiful.

-Mmm.

I practically own this city.

I suppose Commissioner Grylls was going to change all that with his...

Don't mention that filthy name in here.

Commissioner Grylls was taking us back to the Dark Ages.

He was against progress.

Businesses must go forwards and upwards.

OK.

What is it that brings you up here into the realm of the gods, anyway?

Well, I am nothing but a simple robot salesman

by the name of robot, Rob, Rob... My name is Robert.

You're a robot salesman by the name of Robert Salesman?

I am a robot salesman by the name of Robert Salesman.

Or a Robert salesman by the name of Robot Salesman?

-No, I sell robots...

-Well, which one is it, Robert or robot?

-My name is Robert Salesman.

-It's very confusing.

If you let me explain, it's not actually that hard.

-What's this?

-This is my prototype, my life's work.

This is Frank.

Hmm.

-It's a funny-looking thing, isn't it?

-Yes.

I thought they were meant to be physically impressive.

It's actually very realistic.

It has almost human skin.

How do you turn it on?

Just with its right nipple.

Turn it on, then. Don't muck about, do it.

Come on, prat.

It's not coming on.

Frank! Frank.

-Frank.

-Sometimes it works with a click.

-Ah, very good.

-Very good.

-So, what can this Robert of yours do?

Robot, this is a robot...

Wrong nipple.

Er, what?

Wrong nipple.

-Wrong nipple?

-Oh, yes! I was pressing the left...

You pressed the wrong...? Well, press the correct nipple then, please, dicksplat.

Oh, now I've turned him off.

You've turned him off again. What's the point of you, you ugly freak?

You ought to be in the circus.

-Turn him on then.

-Yep.

There he is.

Open for business.

You were telling me what it could do. It can do things, can't it?

It doesn't just stand there, looking gormless.

Well, of course it can do things. This is one of the most...

I wouldn't put that on display if I were you.

I'd do everything I could to hide it.

-I'm sorry, my apologies...

-You ought to wear a fucking corset.

Sorry!

Why is the robot laughing?

He's built with manners and laughter.

Two of my favourite things.

Two things I'd like you to eradicate immediately if I buy one of these.

Well, I can't delete them, because I think they're important.

Well, you're an idiot.

Well, I'm not nasty like you are.

I'm not nasty, I just tell the truth.

I tell what I see and I see a big barrel of cream cakes

covered in skin, and I don't like it.

I haven't laughed my entire life.

I stopped laughing the day I earnt my first pound.

It's a sign of weakness.

Can it kill a man?

-What?

-I want it to kill this pesky Rattman.

Well, I've heard The Rattman is anything but a pest.

In fact, he is a durable and sweet saviour of this city.

Unlike The Termite.

Do you know anything of The Termite?

Yes, I do. I understand that they're a cop killer, a sadist.

Mother killed in a botched police operation.

Stepfather drank.

Beat them, starved them.

-Rumour has it they grew up in an abandoned timber mill.

-Right.

They had to eat that wood to survive.

-Like a termite.

-Like a termite.

Very clever.

You're not just a big chunk of flesh after all, are you?

-Well...

-You big blob.

I don't think I'm interested.

On your way, Mr robot salesman.

Take your robot and dump it in the river.

I don't ever want to see it again.

I've never brought anyone down here before, Stephen.

But I have a secret to tell you.

A secret I've never told anyone.

Do you know what it is?

I'm Rattman.

What?

You're the masked vigilante?

Yes.

Sod off.

What do you mean, "Sod off"? What's so unbelievable about that?

Follow me.

What is so funny about that?

Well, I mean...

I am the masked vigilante that keeps this city safe.

You're not... You're not joking?

No, I'm not joking. This is serious.

-All right, all right.

-We're up against The Termite.

-OK.

-To catch a supervillain, you must be a superhero.

OK.

I've got to a point where I can't do it on my own.

Will you be the mouse to my rat?

More pacifically, will you be the dormouse to my rat?

Yeah, go on, then.

I thought you'd be a bit more excited.

I genuinely thought if I showed you all this cool stuff,

you'd walk down here and go, "What?! What?! What?!"

And you're like, "Oh, yeah, cool, whatever."

No, I'm well for it. Of course.

I can see it in you.

Are you ready for this?

I am.

Then, get your squeak on.

On me.

Here's my weapons wall.

Right.

If we are truly going to be rodents of the night,

the night must become the day and the day must become the night.

Oh, for crying out loud.

That'd have been really cool if we'd got away with that.

Thank you, Lowecroft, that was supposed to be really cool.

What?

-I was just doing a thing with the lights.

-Hey.

Who are you?

-Who do I look like? I'm Dormouse, mate.

-No, mate, not any more.

I'm afraid he's taking it off you.

Sorry, Sid. Let me take this.

You can't take Dormouse off me.

-It's quite warm.

-I've been doing this for 15 years.

Badly.

We built all this together, mate.

Well, yeah, I mean, I did a lot of the hard labour.

Like, wrote The Rattman theme tune together.

We have a theme tune. You'll have to learn it.

Are you any good with singing?

No.

# Rattman! Rising from the sewers

# Rattman! His bite has no cure

# Rattman! Totally free from diseases

# Rattman! He does as he pleases. #

-Oh, God. Well, Sid, we had some good times...

-Yeah.

..but there can't be any more.

Stephen's young and virile, full of fire.

Look at you, Sid.

What are your superhero powers? You have asthma, you get car-sick.

You're the only superhero I know who wears a sports bra.

Your days are up, kid.

It's disappointing.

-Go and make us a cup of tea.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, milk, two sugars, please.

-Two sugars, right.

-Good little lad.

-Go on, run along.

-Cheers, Sid.

Oh, Sid, of course.

-Erm, the mask.

-The what?

Stephen needs the mask.

Good lad, good lad.

-Thank you.

-All right.

And, of course, the Dormouse knickers.

You have to take those off, too. He'll need those.

I'm not wearing the pants, mate.

Jesus Christ!

Sorry, Stephen, no-one needs to see that. Get out of here at once!

Pull your knickers up and get out.

You don't wear pants underneath your superhero pants!

-You look disgusted.

-I am disgusted.

Right, I could stand here all day and talk about

how disgusting Sid Lowecroft is...

..but we've got a termite we need to crush.

The crime buffet's open and I'm ordering a justice burger for two

with a side order of kick-ass.

Next up, suspect deux.

Local reporter Beyonce.

BTW, deux is French for "two".

We are investigating the recent horrific murder of our

Police Commissioner, Bear Grylls.

I believe you were writing a story on him.

That's right.

What did you find out about him?

Well, I know he wasn't the white knight everyone said he was.

He was a good man.

Too good for this crummy city, right?

Well, do you know what? The police in this town, you know, they just

get fat polishing their badges and then picking up their bribe money.

But at least we've got Rattman.

Oh, you like Rattman, huh?

I heard about The Rattman.

Yeah. What did you hear about him?

I've heard he's got an incredible new partner.

Well, I'm not sure about that.

I think The Rattman is still the cooler of the two, right?

Would you say that Rattman is cooler than Dormouse,

-from what you've heard?

-Not from what I've heard.

Well, I think you'll find that...

I think you'll find that Rattman's the leader of the two of them.

Believe me, I'm still a huge, huge fan of Rattman. Ah!

Just, you know, giving his life for the city.

Now, there is a real hero.

You know what? It makes me want to rip off his mask and...

..all the rest of it.

Well, that's pretty interesting.

Can I just have a

talk to my colleague?

Sure, go ahead.

Stephen, come here at once.

Oh, God!

Oh, sweet God.

She's not worth it.

She is worth it.

I think if she knew I was The Rattman, she'd have sex with me.

You don't fucking tell her that you're Rattman.

We were just talking about Stephen.

He's just thinking of buying a new car.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-He laughed at me because I was going to buy a Prius.

Oh.

And I'm a vegan.

Yeah, he's a vegan, too.

So am I.

-We have so much in common.

-Oh, really?

-I'm a vegan as well.

Really?

I am a vegan. I'm a vegan, too.

You were eating a burger this morning.

I didn't!

He's joking! I'm a vegan as well.

I'm a vegan, too.

You were eating a burger this morning.

You had double patty.

I'm a vegan.

From now.

I'm a vegan, just started now.

I just have a few questions about the case to ask.

OK.

What would you do if you ever met The Rattman?

I would whisper in his ear.

What would you whisper?

I'd whisper this.

What?

You'd do that?

Is it hot in here?

It's getting hot.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to excuse myself.

What do you mean?

I think I parked on a double yellow line.

Yeah, in a police car. You're not going to get a ticket, are you?

I might.

-Are you all right to ask questions?

-Yep.

-Great, OK.

I'll take care of it. You go take care of yourself.

OK. Oh!

I'll be as quick as I can.

I'll see you in a minute.

OK, so, do you have any questions for me?

Yeah, we are investigating the death of the late and

great Commissioner Grylls and I was wondering what you knew about him.

OK.

So, check this.

These are the facts on Commissioner Grylls.

"Rookie PC Grylls to blame."

"Woman dies in botched police operation."

Anyway, so you boys are looking for The Termite, right?

-Yeah, what do you know about The Termite?

-OK, well.

So, I was writing a feature on him, called The Man Behind The Mask.

This is his police file.

Take a look.

Nothing.

I see what you did there.

It takes someone who's very powerful to delete their history, you know?

Or someone who's high up in the police, let's say.

What are you suggesting?

You know, everybody has their secrets.

I could be The Termite, you know?

You could be The Termite?

Maybe I'm The Termite, you know?

I mean, I could be just about to gut you like a fish and just leave you

here dead on the floor with all the dust and all the newspapers

and all that shit.

Someone call for a Rattman?

Why didn't you use the door?

I used the window because it's cooler that way.

OK.

I believe that you...

..have a crush on me.

I may do, yes.

Listen, when you need me,

look towards the sky.

Oh, I thought that was going to slide.

And I'll be there.

Oh, I will.

You'll definitely be seeing me around, Rattman.

Not if you see me first.

God.

Thank you, Rattman.

SMACKS HIS LIPS

BURPS

Nice kiss.

It's crime-fighting time.

Stephen, to the other side of the room at once.

The final chapter of this story of death and destruction.

Our last suspect,

Chief Ramsay.

Ramsay.

See what we can find out.

Behind you, there's a chest of drawers.

Find what you can.

Oh, wait a minute.

What?

There is a load of cards that say...

Wait there, I'm coming over.

That didn't really feel like that was much of a...

-That didn't really...

-It...

Yeah, I banged my knee on the desk.

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine. I'm seriously, OK.

All right, just worried, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

These all say The Termite,

which leads me to believe perhaps, as Grylls gave made two pieces of

paper, one was one of these cards.

Yes.

And we found them in Ramsay's office.

-This is my thinking superhero face.

-But has he been set up?

Yes, indeed.

I think you look like you're thinking.

Exactly, right?

Yes.

Pensive.

Indeed.

Perfect.

Wait there. My rat senses tell me someone is coming.

Quick.

We must hide.

It's going to be Ramsay.

Hide behind my cloak of invincibility.

Actually, invisibility.

Oh, God.

Well, well, well.

Look what the rat dragged in.

Rattman?

What are you doing here?

I'm gnawing away at the hay bale of crime.

Wow.

Wow, I must say I'm impressed and terrified by you two.

How about these dice?

We've all been looking for The Termite, but where better for

The Termite to hide than in the very halls of the people trying to hunt him?

And the man that's sending out the hunters.

That's good. That's really, really, really good.

Great police work. It's ridiculous, preposterous!

-Really?

-Yes, it is. Where is your proof?

What have you got to say about these cards?

I don't have to stand here and answer these questions.

-Yes, you do.

-Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

25 years in the force and what have I got to show for it, eh?

Well, you're a chief.

I'm not Commissioner, though, am I?

Dormouse, I sometimes feel that I'm all alone in a world of chaos

except for one man who...

..who... Well...

Sleet.

-What?

-Yeah, this guy called Sleet.

He works for me and he's...

..he's a good man.

Sleet's a good man.

He doesn't need a mask to fight crime.

He just does it.

He doesn't need a big stinking rat costume and his own personal gimp.

Why don't you tell him this to his face?

I think he knows.

He has no idea.

No idea that you think all these things about him.

He thinks you hate him, you know?

Actually, do you hate him?

I don't know. Maybe, in my own little way,

I'm trying to protect him.

Because people who get close to me...

..end up dead a lot of the time.

Who else close to you has died?

Good question.

A lot of policemen.

Those cards you're holding there, yes?

Every single one of those cards was found on the body

of a dead policeman who was killed by The Termite.

I'm too close to this one.

Grill him like I can't.

I don't believe you.

The Termite is not responsible for this many deaths, yeah?

Oh, yes, he is, my friend.

-How would you know?

-You fancy yourself as a superhero?

You're not a superhero.

I'm a fucking superhero.

-Well, fly, then.

-I don't need to fly.

-Fly.

-I don't need to fly.

Rattman's a superhero and he doesn't fly.

You remind me of somebody.

-That's that!

-Have we met before?

We've never met before.

Dormouse, heel!

Heel, sweet Dormouse.

You two...what is the relationship between you two?

We are friends.

Oh, yeah? Seems a bit kinky to me, boys.

It's not kinky. It's friendship.

You wouldn't understand,

cos you've never had a friend in your whole life.

And how about this as the kicker?

You couldn't take it. You couldn't take it as second.

So what happens?

You don't get the job...

..so you kill for it.

Let me tell you something!

I have witnessed what The Termite can do

and I will never, ever, ever let that happen to one of my men again.

Easy, now.

Yeah, come on! You feel big?

Yeah, come on, big boy.

Blinding dust!

Blinding dust!

Blinding dust!

Blinding dust!

Have you got any things on your belt?

I can't see my belt.

What are you doing?

You wait to see what's coming next.

Oh, fuck me.

What is this?

Blinding... Blinding dog-poo bag!

Blinding pistachio nutshells!

Are you blind yet?

No?

-Can you still see?

-Yeah.

Blinding pistachio nutshells!

All right, boys, listen, I have got a lot of work to do.

Maybe you could just, yeah, fuck off?

-Blinding pistachio shells!

-Yeah, could you just...

-How are you now? You can't see us.

-..fuck off, please?

-He's blind.

-Guys, come on.

-Chop, chop.

-Come on, let's go, Dormouse.

You might get a last pint if you go quickly.

It was time to finish this.

Using my rat signal,

I entice The Termite to a local shoe-buckle factory.

Are you scared, Stephen?

I'm not scared, I'm prepared.

HE SNIFFS

-That's not me.

-No.

It's The Termite.

He's here.

Hello, Rattman.

I've waited a long time for this.

Let's do this.

Dormouse!

Dormouse!

Take the shot!

Rattman, you all right?

-Yes, Dormouse.

-Thank fuck for that.

You saved my life.

You'd have been all right.

Thank you, Dormouse-stroke-Stephen Dormouse.

Steve...Dormouse.

Dormouse.

Dormouse.

Commissioner Grylls!

I saw you die.

I had to do it.

I had to pretend that I was dead.

Nobody could know.

The only way to catch The Termite was to flush them out.

I'm emotionally scarred.

You're the first person I ever saw die.

Well, now you've never seen anyone die.

I'm happy. I'm glad to see you back.

The Dormouse found out who The Termite was.

He took them down.

Who do you think The Termite is?

That nasty journalist we met, Beyonce.

Why?

She had motive. She didn't like the police for something that

she believed that you did earlier on in your career.

And she was a psycho.

She told me she would gut me like a fish and leave me all over

her dirty floor which, by the way, was really dirty.

Shall we unmask them?

Please, don't be Beyonce.

Be Beyonce.

-Oh!

-Yes!

-Cram it!

I don't know what to do, I have such mixed emotions right now.

I'm going to get you, Rattman.

EVIL LAUGHTER

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

Well, I can safely say I don't want to have sex with this any more.

Congratulations.

Of course, it was Beyonce.

Your instincts were correct.

Piers Morgan told you that The Termite's mother had died.

Mother killed in a botched police operation.

And, of course, that meant that it was Beyonce, because she had a

"RIP Mum" tattoo.

I killed her mother and she never forgave me.

"Rookie PC Grylls to blame."

"Woman dies in botched police operation."

And it couldn't have been Piers.

I haven't laughed my entire life.

And The Termite has a distinctive laugh.

And it couldn't have been Ramsay,

because his mother is still alive.

Mm, just like my mother makes it.

-And he's a good bloke.

-And he's a very good bloke.

He is an angry bloke.

He's angry but, you know, look, we all have issues.

Dormouse, you have been the greatest of sidekicks.

You've been there when I needed you most.

You never questioned me.

You were the fire in my gut.

That's why I can't let you make this journey with me any more.

I must fight this fight...

alone.

One last thing.

Yes?

Who are you?

I can't tell you that, Commissioner.

TERMITE CACKLES

Urgh.

Damn!

GRUNTING

GASPING