A Nest of Vipers Murder in Successville


A Nest of Vipers

Improvised comedy series. DI Sleet and his sidekick Reggie Yates try to solve the murder of undercover detective Noel Edmonds.


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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language

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Hello there. I am Reggie Yates, but today I'm becoming a cop -

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I'm being thrown into a live murder mystery.

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Now, I've no script and no idea what might happen, so wish me luck,

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as I try and solve a Murder in Successville.

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'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

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'Sometimes, the famous faces that live here break the law.

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'And when they do, I'm here to bring them down.

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'I'm DI Sleet.

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'They say crime doesn't play, but neither does being a cop.

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'That's why I sleep in my car and I eat from a dumpster.

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'Hey, don't pity me.

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'You know what does pay? Property.

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'Get into property, kids, is all I'm saying. Great career.'

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HE SIGHS

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Urgh!

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-Morning, Sleet.

-Oh, chief, thank God you're here.

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-How are we?

-I'm not too bad.

-Yeah?

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-Just coming to terms with this piece of crud.

-How are you getting on?

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I don't like it, chief. I don't like the future.

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I'd just like how things used to be, you know.

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Sleet, you are literally the only person

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-in this building not currently online.

-Really, I mean...

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-Maybe the new rookie can help you.

-Oh, I...

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Welcome to the future. Young man!

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Reggie Yates.

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-Hi.

-Hey.

-Rookie, this is DI Sleet.

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Yes? He is an absolute dinosaur.

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Introductions - done!

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Take a seat, my friend. All right.

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-What's your first name?

-Reg.

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Reg, I like that. I used to have a cat called Reg.

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Now, the way that this show works, I don't know if you...

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Gordon Ramsay at some point will come in and give us a case.

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-Yeah.

-If anybody in this office just loves banter and jokes, it's him.

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So, what, I should take the piss out of him then, he'd be up for that?

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Yes. Yes. You know what you should do is this, right...

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-Go on.

-Every time he talks, go like this.

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-DI SLEET BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Yeah?

-OK.

-He'll like it.

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Sleet, why haven't you replied to my e-mail?

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-DI SLEET MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH

-It was flagged as urgent.

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-REGGIE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-What?

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I didn't hear anything, sir. Maybe you're hearing things.

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Right, guys, erm... Listen.

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Bad sus. I don't know what to do about this but...

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REGGIE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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I don't... What did...? Something, sir.

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-Sorry, carry on.

-Basically, what's happened is that our best undercover

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-agent, Noel Edmonds has...

-REGGIE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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He's... If you do that one more time,

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I swear to God I'm going to do something that I regret.

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OK? Could you sit down, please?

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You as well. Guys, bad sus.

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Our best undercover agent, Noel Edmonds, has gone missing.

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-Oh, God.

-Last we heard of Edmonds, yes?

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He was about to go undercover at an assassins' conference

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at the Successville Sanctuary Hotel.

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-Successville Sanctuary?

-Yes.

-They have spa facilities.

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-Yes, there's a spa...

-Fluffy dressing gowns.

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Sleet! Sleet! I need you to get down there ASAP.

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-At once!

-This man is in danger.

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If an officer's in danger in a beautiful, luxurious hotel,

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-I'm the man to find him.

-Good. But be careful, right?

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Because this place right now is a nest of vipers.

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Reggie, are you ready to tear down the knickers of this case

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and give it a good spanking?

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I like the sound of that, yeah, I'm game.

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Then let's go commando.

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We hit the hotel with some fresh new aliases and a cool cover story.

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Reg was marrying my pretend kid sister Roxanne

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and this was his stag do.

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And guess who was best man?

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Moi.

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-Smooth.

-Thank you.

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I feel pretty cool.

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Oh, good afternoon!

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Do you have a reservation? Do you have a reservation?

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We should have one under Teddy Juniper.

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-And...?

-Ritzy Lamone.

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-Ritzy Lamone, nice to meet you.

-How you doing?

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-Sorry, I didn't get your name.

-McIntyre. McIntyre.

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I'm the manager of the Successville Sanctuary.

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I shall just... I'll look up your booking, I'll look up your booking.

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It's funny, isn't it? It's funny because they call it a booking,

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it's actually written in the book.

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Just here in the book.

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Where else would you write it?

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-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me, gentlemen, just one sec.

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-Just one sec. Hello?

-Bit abrasive, innit?

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Imagine being married to that guy. Listen and listen good.

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We now to find out which room Edmonds was in.

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He would have registered under the name Reid Bricks.

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-Reid Bricks?

-Find him in that book.

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-I will distract McIntyre.

-All right.

-Goodbye.

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Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Sorry about that, gentlemen.

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Sorry, my brother-in-law was just saying that he can't wait

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-to have sex with my sister.

-Oh, good Lord.

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She looks just like him.

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-Quite a woman.

-Looking forward to climbing the mountain.

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-Mm!

-Yes, that's a little unfair. She's had some trouble...

-Harsh.

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-Harsh.

-Anyway, I was going to say, if you don't mind...

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-Of course.

-Hey, what's that over there?

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-Is that a fly?

-Have you found it?

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-OK. Definitely got it?

-Plant and a lamp.

-601.

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Lovely lamp and another plant.

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-Is over there.

-Oh, no, yes. Anything you want to ask about the hotel?

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-Can we grab a key?

-Yes, of course! Here are your keys.

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-Two standard keys.

-Thank you very much.

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And sleep well.

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Is it just me? Is it just me but every time, every time,

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I check into a hotel, this happens every time I check into a hotel,

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I get into the bed and I say, "This is the comfiest bed

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"I have ever been in." And I spend the next six hours in bed,

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"This is the most uncomfortable bed I have ever been in in my life."

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-Might be just you, buddy.

-I'm usually just happy I've got a bed.

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I sleep in the car most of the time, so...

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Marvellous. Well, you...

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You two crazy kids have fun.

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We will do.

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Come on, Reggie.

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This door's open. Come in, Yates.

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Well, well, well, looks like he's fast asleep.

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Ooh. There's a lot of, erm, condom wrappers down here.

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-Shall we, erm...?

-I think that's down to you.

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I haven't got my gun with me. Just in case...

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Wowser, wowser, Monsieur Tight Trouser.

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-Ooh.

-God, not the greatest start to a pretend stag do.

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He's got something in his pocket.

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It's... There's a big old bloodstain on it. Shall I, erm...?

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-Well, that's the job.

-Shall I go for it? Let's see what this is.

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Oh. What does that look like to you?

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Bullet wound straight through the jam tart.

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OK, it says here that he was investigating Adrian Chiles

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and the Williams... The Williams sisters.

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I'm pretty sure I'm the only person that's ever said the two of those

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-in the same sentence.

-Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?

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No, I'm probably not.

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Pick that Johnny up. Have you got a little...?

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-No, one of the... That one there.

-One of the used ones?

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-Well, of course.

-You want me to pick it up?

-Well, yes,

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you're going to have to see if it's got forensics on it.

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Put it in your pocket, I guess.

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-Ah, gotcha!

-Oh, you're a...

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It's a joke! Of course...

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We know that it's his semen.

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Oh, wow.

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-You've got to admit that's funny, right?

-Yeah, good one.

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Hey, do you think these are his?

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-Probably...

-Oh, God, they're wet!

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Oh, God, why in my face, man?

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It seemed something like a little slug or something was in there.

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It's pretty big. This is sort of what I had in mind for your, erm...

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-your sister.

-Hey, what's this?

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I don't believe it.

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-What have you found?

-Guess what?

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-There's some over here, too.

-What is it?

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Sharon Osbourne's Bandaoke.

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-Shall we go tonight?

-I mean, it's nothing to do with your case...

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But for your stag do, that could be fun, right?

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Let's do it. I figure that will be a good place to go.

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All right, cool. Let's hit up a bar, have a great night

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and tomorrow morning, we'll find out who killed this dickhead.

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# ..like I knew I would

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# I told you I'm trouble

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# You know that I'm no good

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# I cheated myself

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# Like I knew I would

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# I told you I'm trouble

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# You know that I'm no good. #

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APPLAUSE

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-Bravo!

-Thank you.

-Bravo!

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Thank you, pussycat.

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Well, I'm going to take a short break now,

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but we will be back soon with our first Bandaoke singer

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of the evening.

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DI SLEET PURRS

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Hello. Right, let's not forget why we're here, all right?

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I've completely forgotten, that was awesome.

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Right, let's talk tactics.

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-OK.

-What do you think I should start with?

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-Are you going to sing?

-Yes, of course I'm going to sing,

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I'm not going to come to the disco and not dance!

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You know what, I am going to go and make a note of some song choices,

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-are you going to be OK here?

-I'll be fine, yeah.

-Just chill.

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OK.

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Hey. Hey, Sharon.

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-Oh!

-How're you doing?

-You know my name!

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Yeah, it's on the flyer.

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Oh, darling, and you are?

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Ritzy Malone, nice to meet you.

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-Ritzy!

-Yeah.

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Oh! Oh, wow, OK!

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This is happening! Hey, all right!

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Barman.

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Soda and lime, please.

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-What's a "sorder"?

-Soda!

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Soda water.

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-Oh.

-Soda water.

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You've got an interesting pronunciation thing going on there.

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Oh! You are a terrible flirt!

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Yeah.

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-There you are.

-Hey.

-There you are.

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Erm, I've got a list of some songs. Erm, what's the best kind of vibe?

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-Hit it up big time?

-I'm kind of, doing my thing.

0:10:040:10:07

-What?

-It was going well.

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-Oh, right.

-Yes, have you heard of "three's a crowd"?

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-Is it a ballad? Is it a...

-It's a saying.

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-Mate, do one. I'm doing all right.

-One, two, three, bye-bye!

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-Bye-bye!

-All right, I get the point, fair enough.

-Go on!

-OK.

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He's just like a bad smell, isn't he?

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Like a really...

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large, bad smell.

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Yes! Totally pongy, and you're like a lovely smell.

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-Thank you.

-Oh!

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This is a... You're in my private space.

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I was actually told that...

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Do you like being admired, darling?

0:10:390:10:42

-It's OK...

-Are you nervous?

0:10:420:10:43

-No.

-Is Sharon making you nervous?

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Well, you said three's a crowd!

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Hey! Hello.

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-This is Lynne.

-Hi, Lynne.

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-Hi.

-Where'd you get Lynne from?

0:10:500:10:52

Just over there, we were chatting, she's also got Dalmatians.

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Is he always like this?

0:10:560:10:59

-Unfortunately, yes.

-I was going to say,

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is it OK if I take the room key?

0:11:010:11:03

-Whoa.

-For me and Lynne.

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-Erm...

-Well, I'll find it from reception.

0:11:080:11:10

Yeah, OK. All right!

0:11:100:11:12

Have fun.

0:11:140:11:16

So, what can you tell me about your night?

0:11:160:11:18

-I mean, this looks great.

-Oh, yes, Bandaoke.

0:11:180:11:21

It's full of lovely people, good men like yourself.

0:11:210:11:26

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Last night I met a good, good man.

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Oh, he was lovely!

0:11:320:11:34

-Was he a generous lover?

-He was very generous.

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And his tonguing was exquisite!

0:11:380:11:42

This has gone left.

0:11:420:11:44

-His "tonguing"?

-Tonguing, yes.

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And do you know what, darling?

0:11:470:11:48

-What?

-He insisted, absolutely insisted on keeping my panties.

0:11:480:11:55

Oh, did he?

0:11:550:11:57

Now if that's not love...

0:11:570:12:00

Hey, who likes coincidences?

0:12:000:12:02

-Hello.

-Just bumped into this guy,

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he lived down the same road as me when we were kids!

0:12:030:12:06

-Oh, wow what!

-Yes, it's Matt, right?

-Yeah, Matt, yeah, best friends.

0:12:060:12:09

Well, kind of best friends. You were in a different gang than me.

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Well, nice seeing you again, Matt.

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Say hello to your mum and dad. What a great guy!

0:12:140:12:17

Right, you two obviously want to be alone together,

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so why don't you just be alone together.

0:12:210:12:23

I know where I'm not wanted. Kick me when I'm down, goodbye!

0:12:230:12:28

Wow, I'm glad I didn't end up actually getting hold of her,

0:12:280:12:31

because she seems quite high maintenance!

0:12:310:12:34

Let me get up there and sing.

0:12:340:12:36

-What are you going to sing?

-I don't know, I'll surprise you.

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You've got this buddy, I believe!

0:12:430:12:45

You're the best!

0:12:450:12:47

-MICROPHONE WHINES

-Argh! Whoo!

0:12:470:12:51

All right, everyone. How're you doing out there tonight?

0:12:510:12:56

Whoo!

0:12:570:12:58

# Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

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# Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

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# Still a little hard to say what's going on, man!

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# Still a little bit of your ghost Your witness

0:13:160:13:21

# Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed

0:13:210:13:26

# You step a little closer each day

0:13:260:13:29

# So close that I can't see what's going on. #

0:13:290:13:32

-Whoa!

-I... Oh.

-CYMBOLS CLASH

0:13:320:13:35

Sorry. Sorry. My apologies.

0:13:350:13:37

Thank you, thank you.

0:13:370:13:40

Dawn broke, and with the sweet sound of my soothing voice still ringing

0:13:410:13:45

in our ears, we headed to meet guns for hire, the Williams sisters.

0:13:450:13:50

OK, the reason why we're here is to try and probe the Williams sisters.

0:13:500:13:55

-Yeah.

-We need to chat to them,

0:13:550:13:57

-find out why they might have iced Edmonds.

-Yeah.

0:13:570:14:00

Oh, well, look-ee here!

0:14:000:14:01

Ah, thank you, that's very kind of you.

0:14:010:14:04

I absolutely love these!

0:14:040:14:07

-Mmm!

-Actually, that's garnish there.

0:14:080:14:11

That's garnish!

0:14:110:14:13

I was going to say...

0:14:130:14:14

I was going to ask her for a drink, but my mouth got full of onions!

0:14:160:14:19

Do you think...?

0:14:190:14:21

-You smell horrible right now.

-As soon as the Williams sisters...

0:14:210:14:25

-As soon as we...

-Oh, my God!

0:14:250:14:27

-Don't get nervous. Don't be scared!

-Oh, my God!

0:14:270:14:29

Oh! Ooh!

0:14:290:14:32

It's just so strong!

0:14:320:14:35

Is there anything...?

0:14:350:14:37

God, look, here comes the Williams sisters now.

0:14:390:14:41

Oh!

0:14:410:14:43

-Hello there!

-Hello.

0:14:430:14:45

Well, allow us to introduce ourselves.

0:14:450:14:48

We are the Williams sisters, of course.

0:14:480:14:50

-Thank you.

-Who are you guys?

0:14:500:14:52

I am Teddy Juniper.

0:14:520:14:54

-Great.

-This is my brother-in-law to be.

-Hey, I'm Ritzy Malone.

0:14:540:14:57

-That's great, that's great.

-Are you OK?

-I am.

0:14:570:14:59

So, yeah... Well, why don't we have a sit down, have a coffee,

0:14:590:15:02

if you a few minutes?

0:15:020:15:04

Yes, let's do it. Let's go and chinwag.

0:15:040:15:07

-Brilliant, let's take a seat.

-Look for a mint.

0:15:070:15:09

Thank you, thank you very much.

0:15:090:15:11

Oh. Oh, wow!

0:15:140:15:16

So, let me start by telling you a bit about us.

0:15:160:15:19

-Yeah.

-We are highly trained,

0:15:190:15:21

we've been doing this for a number of years and we're very busy.

0:15:210:15:26

-Yeah.

-Well, that's good to be busy.

0:15:260:15:27

You wouldn't want to get a killer who hasn't done much killing.

0:15:270:15:30

-Exactly.

-Yeah.

-Hey, so, do you have anyone in mind?

0:15:300:15:34

Dave Carpenter.

0:15:340:15:36

Yeah, he's a mechanic I hired to do my car,

0:15:360:15:39

and he did a pretty shoddy job of it.

0:15:390:15:42

Scratched it up real bad,

0:15:420:15:44

also he had sex with my wife behind my back.

0:15:440:15:47

-That's terrible!

-I'm so sorry.

0:15:470:15:49

-Thank you, that's very nice of you.

-I'd like to ask you some questions.

0:15:490:15:52

-OK.

-What would you like to ask us?

0:15:520:15:54

Obviously, If we are going to employ you,

0:15:540:15:56

I'd love to know, who's the best killer?

0:15:560:15:57

It's pretty much a 50-50 split.

0:15:570:15:59

I mean, we are both very highly trained,

0:15:590:16:01

so you have nothing to worry about.

0:16:010:16:04

Yeah, sure, that's true, but I have been doing it slightly longer.

0:16:040:16:08

-Right.

-Experience.

0:16:080:16:09

OK. So, it's you, you're better?

0:16:090:16:11

-OK, but if you're looking at stats per annum...

-Uh-huh.

0:16:110:16:14

..you might conclude that my stats are pretty impressive

0:16:140:16:18

for the so-called "less experienced" sister.

0:16:180:16:21

Well, that might be,

0:16:210:16:22

because when I decided to take a step back to look after

0:16:220:16:25

the business side, because that's actually very important...

0:16:250:16:29

Sure, answering the phones and doing spreadsheets is just as integral

0:16:290:16:32

to what we do as taking actual human lives...

0:16:320:16:35

Hey, what are you implying, Serena?

0:16:350:16:37

Oh, she's off, she's off, she's off!

0:16:370:16:40

You're doing that to yourself, Mrs businesswoman of the year!

0:16:400:16:43

Hey, fuck you! I was killing since you were sucking dicks in college!

0:16:430:16:46

-Oh, wow!

-Oh, wow! She went there. That's pretty harsh.

0:16:460:16:48

-Oh!

-Is cursing in front of the clients helping you to pick up

0:16:480:16:51

this contract? Please, teach me how to be

0:16:510:16:53

such a great fucking businesswoman, you idiot!

0:16:530:16:56

-Whoa.

-What is your fucking problem?

0:16:560:16:57

My problem? My problem is I'm a better assassin than you are.

0:16:570:17:01

Oh, no, no, wait, that's your problem.

0:17:010:17:03

Bullshit you are! I taught you everything you know!

0:17:030:17:05

Oh, my God!

0:17:070:17:09

-They've got guns!

-Tell her I'm the best or she dies.

0:17:090:17:12

-No, tell her I'm the best, or I will blow her head off.

-Oh-ho-ho!

0:17:120:17:15

I don't want to stand up, because I don't want there to be any ricochet.

0:17:150:17:19

I like the way you said that, that was really cool.

0:17:190:17:21

I'm going to shoot this motherfucker.

0:17:210:17:23

Calm it down. You've done this kind of thing before...

0:17:230:17:25

-This kind of thing?!

-You must have had women fighting over you before?

0:17:250:17:28

-Not with guns!

-She needs to know, someone needs to tell her.

0:17:280:17:31

Hey! Ladies.

0:17:310:17:33

Listen. You two are sisters.

0:17:330:17:38

That means something.

0:17:380:17:40

This guy here and me are brother-in-laws-to-be.

0:17:400:17:43

-Yeah.

-And it breaks my fricking heart to think of us falling out.

0:17:430:17:49

-You are right...

-So, put the guns down!

0:17:490:17:51

Yes, just please stop talking.

0:17:510:17:52

-I think you should listen to her.

-You're right.

0:17:520:17:55

-You're right.

-Let's take a chill pill, the four of us.

0:17:550:17:57

-I'm sorry.

-If you're happy with everything,

0:17:570:18:00

can I just get you to sign...

0:18:000:18:01

On that dotted line.

0:18:010:18:03

Ritzy, if you sign there, please.

0:18:030:18:05

Just right there, on that line.

0:18:050:18:06

OK, cool, done.

0:18:060:18:08

'With final suspect Adrian Chiles nowhere to be seen,

0:18:080:18:11

'me and Reg decided to get some us time at the spa.'

0:18:110:18:15

And, away we go.

0:18:200:18:22

-You all right?

-Yeah, just thinking about stuff.

0:18:270:18:30

-Excited about the spa?

-Yeah.

0:18:300:18:32

Hey, you got any ink?

0:18:320:18:34

-There's a little tattoo, there.

-Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

0:18:340:18:37

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah.

-Pretty cool.

0:18:370:18:39

-Yeah. How about yourself?

-Yeah, I got one, it's on my titty there.

0:18:390:18:42

Quite close to the nipple, did it hurt on the...?

0:18:420:18:44

Yeah. Do you know, I've got really small nipples for a big guy?

0:18:440:18:47

-Yeah...

-And really sensitive, don't tickle my nipple!

0:18:470:18:49

-I definitely...

-Don't tickle! Don't tickle it!

0:18:490:18:52

-Pretty sure I won't.

-Don't tickle it!

0:18:520:18:54

-I won't.

-Don't tickle it.

0:18:540:18:56

-There you go.

-Reggie, stop it!

-Oh, my God.

-You are crazy!

0:18:560:18:59

Sorry, you in or out?

0:19:040:19:06

Now's probably a good time to make your minds up!

0:19:060:19:08

We're staying in.

0:19:080:19:09

-Yeah.

-OK, I don't know, something like that I imagine, anyway.

0:19:090:19:12

You know. Here we go.

0:19:120:19:13

(Hey, do you want to...?)

0:19:130:19:16

What level are you going to, pray tell?

0:19:160:19:19

Four, please.

0:19:190:19:20

-All right.

-Fore!

0:19:200:19:23

Like in golf. Do you play golf?

0:19:230:19:25

-I don't, no.

-No, I don't, no.

0:19:250:19:26

I couldn't hit a barn door from three yards!

0:19:260:19:29

Do you know what I mean? I'm that bad, I really am.

0:19:290:19:31

-He was on the list.

-Yes, he was on the list and the Williams...

0:19:310:19:35

I say, it's great weather for ducks, isn't it?

0:19:350:19:37

-What, sorry?

-Great weather for ducks.

0:19:370:19:40

-What's a "dook"?

-Ducks.

0:19:400:19:42

-A "dook"?

-It's raining. You must have heard of a duck before.

0:19:420:19:45

-What's a "dook"?

-Ducks, you know, quack, quack?

0:19:450:19:47

-Oh, "ducks"!

-Ducks, yeah...

0:19:470:19:49

-OK, got you.

-Oh, here we go, flipping Nora!

0:19:490:19:52

This lift is an absolute joke, I tell you that.

0:19:520:19:55

-What's happened?

-Absolute joke!

0:19:550:19:57

This is just sod's law, isn't it?

0:19:570:19:58

-What's wrong, mate?

-We're stuck in the bloody lift.

0:19:580:20:00

-Not again.

-Why, are you not good in lifts?

0:20:000:20:02

No, I'm not good in lifts or tight spaces.

0:20:020:20:04

Just breathe, you're all right, you're all right.

0:20:040:20:08

I'm glad I had a big breakfast, anyway.

0:20:080:20:10

We didn't.

0:20:100:20:11

-Black pudding...

-Right.

0:20:110:20:13

..sausage, beans, mushroom, a little bit of toast,

0:20:130:20:17

-a little bit of butter...

-OK, what...?

-A little bit of bacon...

0:20:170:20:20

-What has that got to do with it?

-Are you going to go through

0:20:200:20:22

-your whole breakfast?!

-A little bit of jam, cereal...

0:20:220:20:25

What's going on in this lift?!

0:20:250:20:26

What's going on in this lift?

0:20:260:20:28

-Oh, gee whiz.

-Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

0:20:280:20:31

Oh, dear, he's gone down.

0:20:310:20:33

Hey, you know what they say, don't you?

0:20:330:20:35

-What?

-Careful who you get stuck in a lift with.

0:20:350:20:37

-Yeah, they do, yeah.

-Could just be anyone, couldn't it?

0:20:370:20:40

-You've suddenly gone a bit...

-What?

-..a bit serious.

0:20:400:20:43

Yeah, cos now you're stuck alone in a lift with the most notorious

0:20:430:20:46

-killer in the Western Hemisphere, aren't you?

-Oh, I guess I am, yeah.

0:20:460:20:48

Hey, I've got a question for you, mate?

0:20:480:20:50

-What's this thing in the middle of my face?

-It's your nose?

0:20:500:20:54

It's my fucking nose, isn't it?

0:20:540:20:56

-Yeah.

-It's my nose, it's a very good nose.

0:20:560:20:57

-Do you know why?

-Go on.

-It can smell a fucking copper from 30 miles away.

0:20:570:21:01

-Do I look like a cop to you?!

-You fucking do look like a copper to me,

0:21:010:21:04

and I can stink it. I can smell it coming out of your arsehole.

0:21:040:21:07

-Why are you getting so...?

-You're not used to these kind of scenarios,

0:21:070:21:09

-are you, my friend? Shall we play a little game?

-Depends on the...

0:21:090:21:12

Let's play a little game. I like my games!

0:21:120:21:15

-There is no need for that.

-I tell you what, see this thing here,

0:21:150:21:17

I'm going to point it at your friend there, OK?

0:21:170:21:20

-I'm on my stag!

-Should I go for the head or the heart?

0:21:200:21:22

-I don't think you should go...

-I'm going to go for the heart.

0:21:220:21:24

I'm a bit of a heart man, myself.

0:21:240:21:26

Genuinely, I just want to have a good time here at the hotel.

0:21:260:21:28

Well I'm sorry you're going to have a good time on your own, aren't you?

0:21:280:21:31

Goodbye, my friend.

0:21:310:21:33

Oh! Oh, no, it's all right, I was only kidding.

0:21:330:21:35

Oh, God.

0:21:350:21:38

Wake up, copper!

0:21:380:21:40

Copper? Did you tell him we're cops?

0:21:400:21:42

-No!

-You fool, you idiot!

0:21:420:21:44

No, I didn't tell him a thing.

0:21:440:21:46

I faint for 30 seconds, you tell him we're cops!

0:21:460:21:48

Well, he didn't actually, but now I know you are,

0:21:480:21:51

and you're up shit creek without a paddle.

0:21:510:21:53

-That's not good, is it?

-Fucking idiot.

-Don't call me an idiot,

0:21:530:21:56

I didn't know, I was fainting!

0:21:560:21:58

I'm guessing these two pair of erections are with you.

0:22:010:22:04

That's right and they're two of the biggest erections in town.

0:22:040:22:07

So, if you don't want them to spurt all over your faces...

0:22:070:22:11

-Oh.

-..you know, because, I'm trying to tell a joke, you know, like you,

0:22:110:22:14

-because they're like penises.

-All right.

-All right, I'm not a bloody

0:22:140:22:17

comedian, all right? I'm just a bloody hit man!

0:22:170:22:19

-What about this one, here you go.

-Oh, fucking hell.

-Do you know,

0:22:190:22:22

-actually, just shoot me.

-I saw a pigeon the other day in the middle

0:22:220:22:25

of the street, it'd been run over by a bus.

0:22:250:22:27

Flat as a pancake.

0:22:270:22:28

What? That's not a joke, that's horrible...

0:22:300:22:32

All right, all right, I know I'm not bloody...

0:22:320:22:34

There's no quitting this guy, is there?

0:22:340:22:37

I'll leave you in the capable hands of my associates.

0:22:370:22:39

I wouldn't wind them up if I were you,

0:22:390:22:41

they can get a little trigger-happy.

0:22:410:22:43

-Oh, really?

-Still raining outside.

0:22:430:22:46

Still, great weather for ducks.

0:22:460:22:49

Quack...quack.

0:22:490:22:51

Lee? Lee Figgis?

0:22:540:22:56

I used to go out with your mum.

0:22:560:22:58

I've never been so offended in all my life!

0:22:580:23:01

Yes, and I eat at dirty restaurants.

0:23:010:23:03

You think you're tough, picking on a guy in a dressing gown,

0:23:030:23:06

when you've got guns and jackets!

0:23:060:23:08

Sometimes if you shout loud enough at bad guys, they back down.

0:23:100:23:14

It didn't work today, did it, Sleet?

0:23:140:23:16

Look at us now, stuck in a fridge.

0:23:160:23:18

It's pretty shit, really, isn't it?

0:23:180:23:20

-So, what do we do now?

-One thing we don't do is give up.

0:23:200:23:23

All right, Sleet, think, think. You were in the Scouts.

0:23:230:23:26

How do you stay alive? First things first, food.

0:23:260:23:31

We must eat to keep our strength up.

0:23:310:23:34

-Now?

-Yes, we're stuck in a fridge, this is an emergency situation!

0:23:340:23:38

You man the door, start shouting for help.

0:23:380:23:40

-I'll be back as soon as I can.

-All right.

-What the hell...

0:23:400:23:44

Oh, hello.

0:23:440:23:46

You'll never guess what I found.

0:23:460:23:48

Go on. Oh, shit!

0:23:480:23:51

We can live off onions!

0:23:510:23:53

Onions are one of the best things for your heart.

0:23:530:23:55

All right, can you take the onion back over that way?

0:23:570:24:00

-I didn't peel this one properly.

-No, you didn't peel it at all!

0:24:000:24:03

Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:24:030:24:04

I'm starting to think you've got a problem with me eating onions!

0:24:040:24:08

-Yeah!

-They're good for your brain!

-Oh, mate.

-Help!

0:24:080:24:12

-Help!

-Hey!

0:24:120:24:14

Someone!

0:24:140:24:16

-Hello, hello? Hello?

-Who's that?

0:24:160:24:18

-No-one, sorry.

-That's McIntyre, the slimy weasel!

0:24:180:24:22

McIntyre, do us a favour, mate, get us out of here!

0:24:220:24:25

No, no, no, I'm afraid that would be an awful idea!

0:24:250:24:28

Mr Chiles has insisted that I keep you in this room,

0:24:280:24:30

and he's a very dangerous man.

0:24:300:24:32

You're working with Chiles?! You fiend, you scoundrel!

0:24:320:24:35

I do not wish to disappoint him, no, thank you.

0:24:350:24:38

Right, listen. Let me think outside the box.

0:24:380:24:40

If there's one thing hotel managers hate, it's criticising their hotels.

0:24:410:24:45

-OK.

-McIntyre!

0:24:450:24:47

-Yes?

-I've got some complaints about your hotel, man.

0:24:470:24:51

Last night I was trying to get to sleep, and I switched off the TV,

0:24:510:24:54

but there were so many lights on the thing,

0:24:540:24:56

it was like there were aliens in my room!

0:24:560:24:58

-It was crazy!

-Oh, that's so, so annoying!

0:24:580:25:01

You're trying to sleep...

0:25:010:25:02

-He's off again.

-Yeah, but at the moment,

0:25:020:25:04

-we're just getting him to talk more.

-We are, we're just giving him...

0:25:040:25:07

..and there's just one light, flashing,

0:25:070:25:09

-blinking at you on the television...

-I didn't want to go this dark

0:25:090:25:12

-and this weird, but just follow my lead.

-..right in your face,

0:25:120:25:15

-you can't see...

-McIntyre!

-Is it just me?

0:25:150:25:17

McIntyre, I didn't want to say this, but we've got your wife in here!

0:25:170:25:20

What? My darling wife, are you in there?

0:25:200:25:23

-HE IMITATES A WOMAN'S VOICE: Yeah!

-Are you in there, darling?

0:25:230:25:25

Yeah, I'm here. Argh! MCINTYRE GASPS

0:25:250:25:27

I will let you out immediately. I love you!

0:25:270:25:31

Argh!

0:25:310:25:32

Bloody hell!

0:25:320:25:34

DISTANT SIRENS WAIL

0:25:340:25:37

OK, OK, settle down, all right, calm down, everybody.

0:25:370:25:40

Come on, all right.

0:25:400:25:42

It is my dubious pleasure to present my very own dead talk.

0:25:420:25:48

It was my idea, that!

0:25:480:25:50

Is he laughing? No, OK.

0:25:500:25:53

Just a bit of fun with the title, there.

0:25:530:25:55

No, no, just really as a kind of a pickaxe...

0:25:550:25:58

Hang on a minute, I don't mean pickaxe, do I?

0:25:580:26:00

What do I mean? I mean icebreaker.

0:26:000:26:02

There we go, there we go. We are off now, we're off!

0:26:020:26:05

I thought something smelled!

0:26:050:26:08

No, in all seriousness,

0:26:080:26:10

it has been a bumper year for the assassination industry...

0:26:100:26:14

Everybody freeze!

0:26:140:26:16

Successville PD checking in!

0:26:160:26:19

I don't think it's very advisable to have a Mexican stand-off

0:26:190:26:22

in a room full of professional hit men, Sleet!

0:26:220:26:25

That's the thing about me, Chiles.

0:26:250:26:29

I ain't never been much good at taking advice.

0:26:290:26:32

Kid, you need to shoot whoever you think killed Noel Edmonds.

0:26:320:26:37

You did it, Osbourne!

0:26:370:26:39

SHE SCREAMS

0:26:390:26:41

Yeah!

0:26:480:26:50

Ah, God, it's so good, just killing assassins!

0:26:500:26:54

How amazing.

0:26:540:26:55

What the fuck is going on?!

0:26:550:26:57

Oh, no, what is that?!

0:26:570:27:00

What's that?

0:27:010:27:04

How long has he been there?

0:27:040:27:06

He has just been freshly maimed, sir.

0:27:070:27:10

This had better be good.

0:27:100:27:13

-Osbourne did it.

-Oh, did she?

0:27:130:27:14

-Yeah.

-That's why he killed her.

0:27:140:27:16

I killed the rest, sir, I took the others out.

0:27:160:27:19

I would love to hear your reasoning.

0:27:190:27:21

I was pretty sure it was the Williams sisters,

0:27:210:27:23

because there were two glasses by the side of the bed

0:27:230:27:25

-with lipstick on it...

-Right.

-..but then when I met Osbourne,

0:27:250:27:28

she said it was her pants that were in the room, and, well,

0:27:280:27:31

I had a feeling that she might have planted that book in his pocket,

0:27:310:27:34

because there were two names on it, and her name wasn't on there.

0:27:340:27:37

I am very, very impressed, Reggie...

0:27:370:27:42

with how much of a fuck-up this is!

0:27:420:27:47

It was the Williams sisters, of course it was!

0:27:470:27:51

You saw the lipstick on the two champagne glasses

0:27:510:27:55

that matched their lipstick, yeah?

0:27:550:27:58

They also showed you their portfolio.

0:27:580:28:00

If you had had your wits about you,

0:28:000:28:02

you would have spotted a post-it note that said "Bricks 601,"

0:28:020:28:08

that was Edmonds' alias and room number, yeah?

0:28:080:28:11

-Ah!

-He was investigating them, which is why they wanted him dead.

0:28:110:28:17

The only other person that could have done it, of course,

0:28:170:28:20

is Adrian Chiles. But it wasn't him, was it,

0:28:200:28:23

because he checked into the hotel after you'd already arrived.

0:28:230:28:27

Yeah. Sharon Osbourne wasn't even a suspect!

0:28:270:28:33

She was so sexually aggressive, I thought she might

0:28:340:28:37

-have had it in her.

-Go home!

0:28:370:28:38

POLICE RADIO CRACKLES

0:28:380:28:40

Hey, Steve.

0:28:400:28:41

Oh.

0:28:420:28:44

-Dammit, kid.

-I cocked up. I'm really sorry I let you down, Sleet.

0:28:450:28:48

-Don't apologise to me.

-Yeah, but it was fun.

0:28:480:28:51

-It's been great!

-Yeah.

-It's been the best two days of my fricking life!

0:28:510:28:55

Ah, that's nice.

0:28:550:28:56

I want to give you something...

0:28:560:28:59

No, not the bum bag!

0:28:590:29:02

It's yours. Come on, let's go get a drink, amigo.

0:29:020:29:07

# Going loco down in Acapulco

0:29:070:29:11

# If you stay too long

0:29:110:29:15

# Yes, you'll be going loco down in Acapulco

0:29:150:29:19

# The magic down there is so strong

0:29:190:29:23

# Feel the pressure Your back's against the wall

0:29:230:29:27

# Love is gaining on you You're just about to fall. #

0:29:270:29:30

DI Sleet and his sidekick Reggie Yates are going undercover on a stag do, spending 24 hours in Successville's top hotel. There is a murder to solve, but try telling that to an excitable murder detective who has found out there is a karaoke bar. When undercover detective Noel Edmonds is found dead in a bedroom in what looks like a sex game gone wrong, it is up to Reggie to lead the investigation.

The pair must infiltrate an assassins' convention at the hotel, being held by the manager Michael McIntrye. Along the way, they investigate:

Sharon Osbourne, the hotel's resident crooner, who recently spent a saucy night with the late Noel Edmonds.

Venus and Serena Williams, two sister assassins with a deadly sibling rivalry.

Adrian Chiles, the world's most deadly assassin.

Will the duo get to the assassins' convention in time to take out whoever Reggie thinks murdered Noel Edmonds?