I Saw a Monster! Murder in Successville

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Hi there, I'm Lorraine Kelly, but today I'm becoming a cop

and I'm about to be thrown into a live murder mystery.

I've got no script, I've got absolutely no idea what's going

to happen, so wish me luck as I try to solve a murder in Successville.

Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

Sometimes, the famous faces that live here break the law

and when they do, I'm here to bring them down.

I'm DI Sleet. In this city, crime spreads like flames

and I fight fire with fire because I never understood chemistry.

But who cares about science? I'll tell you who.

Creepy little perverts. Am I right, dudes?

BACKGROUND CHATTER

This, of course, is the corridor.

Oh, this is DI Sleet. Just want to introduce you.

He's one of our finest officers. Ha-ha-ha!

-Hey, who's the stiff, Chief?

-This is...

-Captain of the Bellends?

-No.

Hey, buddy, what's your favourite drink - jerk juice?

-No, Sleet, no, no, no.

-Hey, what is he, an underpant gnome?

-No, he's...

-He runs around the washing line skinning underpants?

-This...

-The underpant gnome.

-Sleet, it's Mike...

-What's with your hair?

-He's the HR man. He's here from HR to check up on us.

-OK. Hm!

Hey, Mike. Michael? You are doing a great job.

Thank you. And, er...so, Sleet, I have a new rookie for you.

-Oh, wow! Brilliant!

-Yeah. Lorraine, would you come inside, please?

-Hi, how are you? Great to have you with us.

-Hi. Thank you.

-Lovely to see you.

-Hello! Nice to meet you! I'm DI Sleet.

-He will be showing you the ropes today.

-Fantastic.

So I'll leave you two to get acquainted and I'll pop back in

-in a little while.

-See you, Mike.

-Great. OK. Thank you, Sleet.

-Thank you.

-Lesson number one, take a seat, my lovely.

Has there been a murder?

What?

-Has there...has there been a murder, sir?

-All right.

-Sorry, sir, I've just always wanted to say that, sir.

-Sit down.

-Thank you, sir.

-Oh!

-So, you're a joker?

-I quite like jokes, yes.

I know that when you look at me, you look at a guy,

"Oh, he's a good time. He's fun. He's...!" Oh, God!

What do you want, you greasy insect?

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Can you sign that?

-Big Debbie needs it doing. It's an evidence file.

-Oh.

-Ta.

Have you done something different with your hair?

Yeah. I brushed it forward.

Where did you get your hair done, at a burger van?

-That's not very nice.

-It's a joke!

-No, but it's not a very nice joke.

Anyway, George Clooney's got his hair like that.

Don't compare him to George Clooney, the town banker.

Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, say something about his nose.

Um...did you pick that nose yourself?

That's a good one!

-I like that one! Nose-picker!

-What?

You nose-picker!

You could've picked any of the noses from the nose factory

and you got that one? "Did you pick your nose...?"

-That's what you mean, right?

-No, no, no, no. I meant...

Oh, no, I meant, did you pick...like, pick your nose?

-Everyone picks their nose.

-I know.

-I do not pick my nose, you savage!

-Do not come in here picking your nose.

-She just...

-That's one thing I will not have in here.

-Can I have my pen, please?

Go and get it. If you want it, fetch it.

That's the thing about me, Lorraine, I love jokes,

I like a good time, but they have to be tasteful jokes

and you've got to get up pretty early in the morning

to get one past me, right?

-OK.

-I like...

-Oi, dickhead!

-Oh!

Why don't you learn to keep your big, stupid mouth shut?!

-My apologies. I'm sorry, Chief.

-Yeah.

-You almost really landed me in it back there.

-I'm sorry once again.

-I...

-Idiot!

-Oh, you can't do that, that's really horrible.

-Don't tell the HR, please.

Um...guys, we have a problem.

Harry Hill, Successville's top reporter, has gone missing

with his dog whilst walking beside the Walliams' chemical plant.

I'm writing it down. There's a dog...

-Forget the dog, forget the dog.

-But we shouldn't forget the dog.

There was a dog, but Harry Hill is more important.

Guys, er...don't let me down on this one.

Oh, I will not let you down.

-By the way, you seen Sid Lowecroft's hair?

-Yeah.

What a twat!

-Lorraine?

-Yes?

-Let's put our jokes and our laughter in a drawer.

-Yes.

-In the drawer.

-Let's go solve a crime.

Follow me.

-If you start to get scared, just scream. OK?

-OK.

-I'm joking, don't really scream.

-I'll just hide behind you, eh?

Don't hide behind me, you're a cop in your own right.

We shouldn't be going in here. It's not a good place to go snooping.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, no, it's Harry Hill! He's all horrible! Don't go near him!

What do you mean, don't go near him?

-He's a corpse, we've got to examine him.

-He's horrible!

-That's not right.

-Look at that behind his body.

It looks like some kind of weird radiation.

-Oh! It looks like great, big prints of, like, a wolf!

-A wolf?!

Or...or...or a great, big, giant dog?

-Or a monster?

-I don't know. Do you believe in monsters?

-I've never seen prints like that before.

-Neither have I.

I think you should go through his body and see what you can find.

-Um...

-Undo the jacket, get a real look in there.

-OK. Oooh!

-There's something here, sir. Can you help me up?

-Of course I can.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Oooh! This is interesting! Look!

-Arrange background checks. Ant and Dec.

-Right.

-Madonna.

-Right.

-David Walliams.

It looks like we've answered all of our questions we didn't yet have.

-Mm.

-Right, listen, last things last.

What are you going to do now?

-What do you think I'm going to do?

-I don't know.

-I'm going to get some pictures of the crime scene.

-Oh, right.

Right, OK.

Right, you take the pictures.

What do you think you need to get pictures of?

We need to get pictures of Harry Hill and Harry Hill's...

-And all that malarkey. Look.

-All right. Can I get in this?

-We don't need you in it.

-Yes, you do!

-What?!

No-one's going to believe I was in the inner sanctum of Wally Cam!

Let me get a picture in there. Can you get my face in?

-This is highly inappropriate, sir.

-It's not, it's fun!

-There, I've got you both.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey. Shall I teabag him?

-No!

-No, don't do that. That's...

-Come on, it's funny!

-No, no, it's not funny. No, I draw the line.

-You don't draw the line.

-If I teabag him...

-No, I draw the line.

I draw the line. I'm drawing the line.

You've really buzz-killed this murder scene.

I'm sorry, the line is drawn. Do you want another photo or not?

I don't want to another photo if I'm not allowed to teabag the dead body!

-You can't do that to Harry Hill!

-All right!

-Give me my camera back.

-There you are.

-Dammit!

-There's a funny fella down there. Look!

-What?

There's a funny fella. Look! Look what he's doing?

He pointed at me! Look! Look! Oh!

-There's no-one there!

-But he was there a minute ago!

He was there a minute ago.

-He was a funny-looking fella and he was pointing at me...

-Lorraine!

It really was. I wouldn't tell a lie, I really wouldn't.

I know you're no liar, but I'm saying you might be seeing things.

I'm going to keep a check on you for the rest of the day.

OK, let's go. Let's go and find out what's going on here.

The first suspect was Harry's ex-girlfriend, Madonna.

Her file read like my dating profile - crazy with trust issues.

We were going to fool her into thinking we were

a pair of old school friends.

Abracadabra, baby!

-Right, listen to me.

-I'm listening.

-Can you do an American accent?

AMERICAN ACCENT: I can do an American accent...

from the Deep South.

Well, that's pretty good.

-Right, are you ready for this?

-Oh, yeah.

-Follow my lead.

INTERCOM BUZZES

'Hello? Who are you?'

It's Cody! Cody Hammerstein and...

-And...and...

-Stacey...

..and Stacey Funkinfunkinfunkin.

-What?

-'What? I've never heard of that name in my life!'

You remember Stacey Funkinfunkinfunkin,

-the American girl who came from the Deep South.

-'I don't remember that!'

You must remember me! Cody the Codster! Big Cody!

"Cody's on campus, everybody! Lock up your daughters!"

We love Cody!

'My God! She's moving from different counties!'

Yeah. Well, she moved around a lot as a kid.

Her family were in the circus.

-(There's that thing in the window.)

-What?!

Remember I told you there was a crazy-looking guy,

a funny wee fella? There he is! He's really creepy-looking!

-Look! Look!

-Really, Lorraine? You're going to go through all this...?

-Look!

-Oh, wow! There's no child there.

-Because you took so long to look!

-You're going to have to stop.

Sorry, Madonna, it feels like we've got two crazy people here!

'What...what do you want from me?!'

We just want to come in and catch up, have a chinwag.

Yeah, we want to hang out, Madonna.

'OK, you can enter, but first, you must remove your shoes.'

-OK, you ready for this?

-Yeah.

-Just take our shoes off?

-Yeah. OK.

-Wow!

-Wow! Cool place! Cool vibe!

-Thank you.

-Cool vibe!

-I really, really like it.

-Sit!

-Yeah.

-Hey!

-Hey, Madonna!

-Hi.

-Have you got a dog here?

-No!

Well, can I ask you who made that mess on your carpet?

-I did.

-Oh!

That's your...that's your excrement on the floor?

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

-So...

-So...

-How you been, gal? How you been?

-I've been...I've been here for 20 years.

-Oh, wow! That's cool!

-Cody. Yes!

-No.

-I do remember...

-Over here, I'm the Codster.

-Cody.

-You're Cody?

-I'm not Cody.

-You must remember me!

You remember at school,

when I scored the winning touchdown and kissed the homecoming queen!

-No, I don't rem... Yes, I do!

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Oh, maybe...

-Yes.

Since I've been working at Wally-Chem,

-my mind's been kind of affected a little.

-So, yeah...

-Madonna, Madonna, what were you doing at Wally-Chem?

-I...don't know.

I can't remember!

It was really creepy and scary... and slimy.

-A little bit like you.

-Why are you here?

Are you here to mock me, like the others?

No, we're here, actually,

to talk about a pretty sweet night that's coming up.

-We're arranging a school reunion.

-What?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Everyone's going to be there.

-Who?

Er...the Nicholson sisters.

-Are they still conjoined?

-There's no splitting those girls up.

LORRAINE LAUGHS

-You know who else is going to be there?

-Who?

-Harry Hill.

-Harry will be there?

-Of course he will.

-Yes!

-Oh, no, no! No!

-Why?

No, Harry's ancient history. No.

When was the last time you saw Harry Hill?

We became friends after school and...and he was the only one

that would believe me when I told him what I saw at Wally-Chem.

-What did you see?

-Stacey, I saw a monster!

Oh! SLEET LAUGHS

-You don't believe me!

-Madonna, what was the monster?

-What did it look like?

-Oh, Christ, you're not going to...?

-I have pictures! I have pictures of what I saw!

-Oh, God!

See? They're real!

Wow! Wow, that's a really... Yeah. That's...that's a keeper(!)

That's proof that there was a monster(!) What the hell is this?

-What the hell is that?

-That looks like a vagina!

-That's my vagina!

What? It's got ears and horns!

-LORRAINE LAUGHS

-And eyes!

-Yeah, well, it's very angry down there.

-It's like a car crash.

-It's, like, I shouldn't look, but I am.

-You're strangely drawn.

-Yeah, I am!

-Well, they did tests, they stretched it quite wide.

-Oh, for crying...! OK.

-OK.

-Let's...

You know, I never thought I'd say this to a woman,

but let's leave your vagina where it is.

Cody Hammerstein, I'm regretting inviting you into this house!

I'm regretting taking my shoes off before I came in!

It's literally covered in faeces and urine here!

I don't know why we just don't all pull down our pants

and have a big poo party!

-What's going on here?

-Well, I don't trust the toilet!

You don't trust the toilet?!

-It will suck me in!

-I'm outta here!

No, don't go! No, watch where you're putting your feet!

-Get out of my house!

-Come on, we're going. Come on.

But we haven't found anything out.

Well, that's what happens in this show. Sometimes we don't.

Next stop, it was time to visit hillbilly brothers Ant and Dec.

-Hello?

-Hello?

-I say, hello there?

-Hello?

Oh, well, what have we got here?

I don't know, sir. It says Ant or Dec.

You would think that you would get both of them, wouldn't you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, for 60,

you'd think you would get access with Ant or Dec.

We're not here from Trading Standards, Lorraine.

-No, but, I mean...

-We are here to see if they're murderers.

-OK.

-I'm not here to play silly dicks.

-OK.

Hey! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

-Come out!

-Where are you?

-Come out!

Hey! Hey, who goes there?

-This is private property, man! You cannae just walk in here!

-Excuse me.

I'm DI Sleet from Successville nick. This is...

I'm Lorraine Kelly. PC Lorraine Kelly.

You going to shoot them, Dec? I didn't want bang-bang!

No bang-bang, Anthony.

I want to ask these two intruders

what they are doing in me private property without a warrant.

All right, my face is the frigging warrant, all right?

You been sniffing around, have you? What have you been looking at?

-Your posters. We're a little bit confused about the pricing.

-Yeah.

-If I'm honest.

-And it says there, Ant or Dec.

-Do we get both of you? I mean...

-All right, we're not...

Sorry, we're not here to enquire about the ghost walks.

-But for 60...

-They're buying me again.

I don't want people buying me!

The last thing I want to do is buy this crazy head.

-Hey, don't make fun of me brain!

-Yeah, don't make fun of his brain!

Listen, I've had enough of this!

-A man's dead!

-There's no need to shout.

-Yeah, exactly. We heard you.

-I'm sorry.

-We heard you.

We heard you the first time.

Harry Hill has been found dead.

Dead?!

And he was doing some digging and investigating.

He's always snooping around. Should've been more careful.

-Maybe he started snooping around here.

-Maybe.

Found out about your tours.

Maybe that you were selling people tours that weren't real.

You got the hump with it, didn't you?

And you got yourself a little taste for... Hey, what's this?

What's this lovely taste? What is it, Lorraine? What can I taste?

-Murder, murder! You can taste murder, sir! Murder!

-Yes, I can.

-I don't know what that is.

-Don't be talking daft, Sleet.

What do I want to murder anyone for?

Harry Hill snooping around here just gave us more publicity.

And...and...and, look, we're a proper cottage industry now, man.

-We're even bringing our own craft beers out.

-I love craft beer.

Do you? When you came in, I thought,

"There's a man that's going to like craft beer."

-Because I look like a hipster?

-Yeah, exactly.

You need an arm around the shoulder, and I've got one. Come on.

-OK, let's hit this beer.

-Come on, this way.

I'm going to leave on my own, man.

-Hello.

-Hello there.

-How are you?

-My name's Anthony.

-I'm Lorraine.

-What's your name called?

-Lorraine.

-Orlaine?

-No, Law-rain.

-Are you a princess?

-I'm not a princess, no.

I've never been alone with a lady before, thank you.

-Have you not?

-Not a lady as pretty as you are!

-Aww, you're really sweet!

-I feel all embarrassed in my willy.

-Thank you.

-Don't feel embarrassed.

It's a nice feeling, but it's strange. Rabbits!

No, it's not rabbits, love.

That's fruity. What kind of fruit...? Has it got fruit in it?

Yeah, it's just a bit of cherry.

-And a bit of coffee, so it's like a mocha. Cheers.

-Down the hatch.

Mm.

You like that one, eh? That's nice. Yeah.

-I like experimenting, you know?

-No, it's good, I think it's good.

-You're being adventurous.

-Yeah, yeah.

-You are.

I can see where this is going.

No, it's not going anywhere.

Shall we cut to the chase, mister?

I think I know why you brought me back down here.

-Well, it was literally just for trying the beer.

-Oh, come on.

-Try new things...

-No.

-..giving the guy a few sips of some strong lager.

-Just normal.

-You've got some big ideas for me, huh?

I honestly am not with you.

-Really?

-Yeah, I mean...

-Really?

I think I know what you want from me and I'm with it, I'm down with that.

-No, you're... Honestly, that's not...

-Oh, really?

I'm just not that way inclined. I mean, it's fine that you are.

I'm not, I just thought that...

I mean, we don't have to tell anyone.

-Are you all right?

-No, I'm a little bit...

-My confidence has taken a bit of a hit...

-You shouldn't let it.

I thought that you'd got me down here, flirting with me...

-No! But, I mean...

-I'm embarrassed now.

I was just throwing myself out there, hoping that...

-You should be proud of that.

-It's hard to meet people.

I'm an old school flirt - give me a drink, I'm yours.

This really wasn't what this was, but, I mean...

-Please don't tell anyone about this.

-OK, don't, yeah. I won't.

Do you want to turn the magic knob?

-This one?

-Aye.

Twist it, Elaine.

-RADIO STATIONS CHANGE

-Oh, man, can you hear that?

That's noises from other worlds, you know.

They come from all over space and time, thank you.

-ROARING

-Oh, no!

-No, no, no, turn it off!

-Ah! What is that?

-I don't know!

Turn it off, turn it off! No!

What in the name of Joe Bananas is going on here? What is happening?

Hey, step away, you filthy pervert!

I never touched him, I never touched him!

You were playing with his magic knob?

-She got my magic knob and just...

-Hold up, everyone calm down.

I feel dirty!

All right, all right, all right, it's a woman touching your knob.

If I was you, enjoy it.

But it wasn't, it was the knob of the radio.

Oh, right, see? It was the knob of...

I don't know what YOU were talking about.

-Well, I was talking about your penis.

-Dirty mind!

-Yeah!

-You were talking about what?

-Your penis.

It wasn't my penis, what's wrong with you, man?

-You've got penis on the brain.

-Yeah, all right, OK.

This is some craft beer that Dec here has been kind enough to...

I'm just glad we sorted out that little misunderstanding with

your murder case. Hope you sort it out soon.

Oh, I mean, yes, we've had a look at it and we've gestured

in the right direction, so thank you for your hospitality.

-We shall be on our way.

-OK.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, see you later.

-Bye, Mrs Lorraine.

-Mm.

So, my bet is that David Walliams is going to be holed up in there.

That's Wally-Chem over there.

OK.

How have you enjoyed working in the force?

I think we've bonded, sir.

We have massively bonded. Do you want to go on holiday together?

-Whereabouts do you want to go?

-I don't know, you tell me.

I'd quite like to go to Greenland.

-Let's do it.

-OK!

-Let's book a holiday to Greenland, dammit!

-Oh, God, I'm so excited.

-OK.

Meet other people, other friends, holiday friends.

-Holiday friends.

-Ah.

-Polar bears.

-Well, yeah, I don't know, I've never been to Greenland.

Neither have I, that's why I want to go.

-So excited.

-I know, go to Nuuk.

-Where?

-Nuuk.

I don't know anything about Greenland,

I'm just excited about the sound of it.

-Nuuk is the capital of Greenland. We could go.

-Yeah.

DOG BARKS

What is that?

Foul beast of the night.

Do you think that might be...?

-Harry Hill's dog went missing.

-It went missing.

-It's the final piece of this jigsaw.

-Uh-huh.

Lorraine, you wait here, I'll investigate, OK?

No problem.

-Will I just stay here?

-Just wait there, Lorraine.

Wait there.

Binky!

Binky dog!

Where are you?

-Binky!

-DOG BARKS

Wait there.

Hey! Hey, is that you, dog?

Where are you going? Come back!

Where are you going?

Oh, bloody hell.

SUDDEN INTERFERENCE ON RADIO

SILENCE

What on earth?

Oh, my God, it's Creepy Boy!

Oh, no, no, no, stay back!

Creepy Boy, Creepy Boy, don't go away!

Creepy Boy, don't go away! Stay there!

Creepy Boy, Creepy Boy...

What's Creepy Boy got to do with this?

Oh! Ho-ho!

Oh, look! That is the cutest wee dog.

SHE LAUGHS

-Lorraine, look.

-That is the cutest thing!

I know, right?

It's like we've solved the case. We found Binky.

But listen, listen, you just missed...

You must have seen him, actually. Did you see Creepy Boy?

-Who?

-You know the wee creepy boy I keep telling you about?

-The wee funny-looking fella...

-You know something?

I know, but you must...

I go out and find the dog we've been looking for,

and you make this elaborate story about this kid that...

He's definitely there and I don't understand why you can't see him.

I've seen him with my own two eyes.

Well, maybe he's a little ghost boy that only you can see.

You don't get little ghost boys. He's a real, true boy.

Ah, right, a true boy. God...

Listen, this is great.

-We've solved the case, right?

-But how have we solved the case?

We haven't solved the case.

The last piece of the jigsaw was the dog, right?

But, I mean, we still don't know who killed Harry Hill.

-Ah!

-Whoa.

-Oh, this isn't good.

-Is it not good?

No.

Am I blind?

-Lorraine, are you there?

-Sleet, is that you?

-Of course it's me, who else talks like I do?

-That's true.

GIGGLING What's that? I can hear something.

Hello, DI Sleet, PC Kelly.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Let's have a look at your medical files.

Uh-oh.

Now, you have been cleared of radiation,

but I unfortunately have to diagnose you

with a severe case of nosy parkers.

There's worse things to be than that.

-Hmm?

-Ah!

-Hey, girl.

-You OK?

-That's enough.

You know, there are a number of pressure points all over the body

that will betray us if put under enough pressure. The eyes...

-What?

-..the kidneys...

-the genitals...

-Hey, hey.

-WALLIAMS GIGGLES

Get off them, you!

Nurse, bring the hypoderm, please.

What? No, no!

Nooooooo!

We're going to inject you with a little anaesthetic...

-Walliams, I'm a cop, you can't do this.

-Don't, don't.

-..which will send you sleepy bye-byes.

-You're a madman.

And then we're going to fuse your blood

with the blood of a Komodo dragon.

No, you can't do that!

I don't want to be a dragon, Walliams!

-Don't fight it. Sleep, breathe in...

-I will fight it.

-..breathe out.

-I'll fight it till I can't move any more.

He's off.

Mm.

Uh-oh.

Lorraine, Lorraine.

Now, let's find a vein.

-No!

-This one looks a little bit tougher than old DI Sleet.

Prepare a bigger dose, Sister.

I'm off to prepare for the next phase.

HE GIGGLES

Sleet, Sleet, help me, help me!

They're going to inject me with something horrible.

I don't know what's going to happen to me.

Sleet, please wake up! Please wake up.

Wake up! ALARM BLARES

What's that? What's that?

What is going on?

ROARING Ah!

ALARM STOPS

Oh, no...

Might be the monster.

Sleet! Wake up!

-Wake up!

-Argh!

Oh, God, Kelly, I had a horrible dream that we were locked inside

-some weird medical facility and they were making us into dragons.

-Duh!

-What do you mean, duh?

-That's what's happening.

Oh, God.

Ah!

-Hey, hey, Sleet, look, look, look!

-What?

Do you remember that I've been telling you

-about the funny wee fella...?

-That's Darren Lowecroft,

the stinkiest kid in the whole of Successville.

-You remember his father from the police station earlier?

-Yes.

Family aside, you're a nice boy.

-All right?

-Oh, ah, Sid Lowecroft.

-What are you doing in here?

-Hi!

-I thought I smelled foot fungus.

What are you doing in here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I'm tied to a medical gurney, you fool!

What are you doing here, more like?

Why are you traipsing around the corridors of this freak house?

Darren's been doing his little medical trials, haven't you, mate?

Do you know this kid's been walking around for the last two days,

freaking out my partner?

-Has he?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

I mean, I'd warn him about stranger danger,

but his father's the biggest weirdo in this town.

Get me out of here! Lowecroft, get me out.

-What, are you tied up?

-Yes, I'm tied up.

No, Lowecroft, I'm sunbathing(!)

God, you infernal idiot.

Sid, when I said, "Get me out of here," I meant the full way,

not do a half job.

Christ, no wonder you're still a private.

No, listen, he got us out of here, he's doing OK.

-My God, what are you wearing?

-What?

What are you wearing?!

You really think at a time like this...

Dammit, do not laugh!

ROARING

Where did you get that from?

One of the guards left it.

Guess what, Lorraine?

It's monster-killing time.

Slowly does it.

The hell is going on here?

-I don't know, sir.

-All right.

That's it, slowly does it.

ROARING

Lorraine, Lorraine, take that shot!

That's my girl.

That is my girl, that's the coolest thing I ever damn saw.

Oh, my goodness!

What the drat is that?

Who shot the unarmed person

in the fancy dress outfit?

-Lorraine Kelly, sir.

-Kelly.

-Monster slayer.

Right, did you?

That's not a monster, Lorraine, there's a human being under there.

Looked like a monster, sir, looked like a monster.

Erm, maybe you two would be kind enough to

take me through your reasoning behind this murder.

Well, I think it might be Madonna, sir.

Er, why?

Because I think Madonna wanted revenge on Harry Hill.

I see, OK.

-Because Harry Hill dumped her.

-Ah.

She was the one that told us there was a monster,

she was the one that showed us photographs of a monster

and the monster's feet and all of that,

and I think she's engineered the whole thing.

And I think she's in charge of Ant and Dec as well.

If your hypothesis is correct, it should be Madonna...

-Yes, sir, absolutely.

-..underneath all of this gunk.

-Oh, OK.

-Oh, dear, no.

-It's not Madonna, is it?

-Oh, dear. Oh, God.

-OK.

-What is that?

I think that might be goo.

It's clearly Ant and Dec who were behind the murder,

and let me tell you the reason.

Ant and Dec had constructed this whole monster in order to

sell tickets for their conspiracy tours, yes?

Harry Hill was on to them,

he was about to blow the lid on the hoax,

so they killed him by the chemical plant

and made it look like it was their monster who did it.

And you were told about the radiation by the body -

it couldn't have been Walliams, of course,

because that was a radiation-free zone, the chemical plant.

But you failed to see the radiation at Ant and Dec's.

And it couldn't have been Madonna, I'm sorry to say,

because she was a recluse

and she hadn't been out of her house in years.

I've been here for 20 years.

That was sad, wasn't it?

Now, Lorraine, I'm not going to start

unloading a stream of verbal abuse here because that's not

how we operate at Successville. We like to be constructive,

if that's OK, and, Sleet, I'm going to encourage you

to just go home and think about what you've done here, if that's OK.

-Hey, Chief?

-Yeah?

-I'm going to go and take a dump on your desk.

How are you going to like that?

Not very much, you collapsed arsehole!

CHIEF GROANS

Write that in your book, you straight-laced twat.

Stop following me!

-Oh, look at that.

-He couldn't help himself, could he?

He couldn't.

I got it totally wrong, sir, I'm sorry.

You know, you got this wrong, but let's remember one thing...

..you're one hell of a good time to be around.

-We've got holidays booked, fun to have!

-We have!

We're going to have no time for police work, Lorraine.

-You fancy that gin and tonic?

-I certainly do.

-Come on.

-Let's go for it.

-Ah, you know something?

Sometimes you pitch, sometimes you run,

and that, my friend, is life.

THEY LAUGH

# Everybody wants you

# Everybody wants your love

# I'd just like to make you mine all night

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# Baby, give it up

# Give it up

# Baby, give it up... #