Glad Tidings We Bring My Family

Mum, Dad.

I miss you.

My Far Eastern adventure is not what I expected.

I came here to follow my dreams

and ended up being pursued by a nightmare.

My backpack fell down a waterfall.

My passport got stolen in a bar.

My girlfriend turned out to be a man.

Worst of all, my plan to set up a Punch and Judy franchise on every beach in Thailand

fell foul of the all-powerful Puppeteers' Union.

They're worse than the Triads.

And I need to pay them 2,000 US dollars

or they'll stuff me and mount me and use me as a glove puppet!

Mum, Dad, if you're watching this, please wire me the money before it's too late!

I'm desperate.

Ugh! Cockroach!

Mum, Dad, if you're watching this,

please wire me the money before it's too late!

-I'm desperate.

-You're not watching that again! You'll wear the tape out.

Just showing concern for our son.

Is the popcorn really necessary?

He'll be all right.

I sent him the 2,000 dollars.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

So did I.

# Noel, noel

# Noel, noel

# Born is the king of Israel... #

Hey, Mikey!

What?

Christmas is over for another year!

Rejoice unto the heavens!

-There.

-You could have waited till Boxing Day.

You asked me to clear up after dinner.

I didn't mean tear down all the decorations 12 days early.

Well, we don't want the job hanging over us, do we?

Well, that was for me? Ah.

TV PLAYS THEME TO THE GREAT ESCAPE

I love this quiet time between Christmas and New Year.

This lull.

-Don't you?

-Yes.

No more cards to write, presents to wrap, decorations to put up, turkey to stuff and baste...

No...

Hey! You didn't do any of those things - I did them all.

No more arguments.

Now, you wait one minute. I'll be the judge of that.

-Judge, jury and executioner.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Janey, you've just interrupted a perfectly good row...

And Merry Christmas to you, too...

What?

What?!

What?!

When?

OK...

Ben, Janey's coming over and she's bringing her...

-..fiance!

-What?

Janey's coming over?

-Does she have to?

-Ben, Ben...

Janey's got a fiance.

Yeah, I heard.

-Fiance?!

-Don't you know what this means?

She got engaged to a stranger without telling us?

No.

OK, yes. But it also means a wedding to organise.

At last!

No more Janey to support.

At last!

This is so exciting, Abi!

I know. I love Christmas.

Comes round quick, though.

Doesn't seem a year since we last put these up.

I was talking about the wedding.

Weddings aren't exciting. With my Dad, weddings are a weekly event.

How lovely. You can be our resident wedding expert.

No, thanks.

Weddings make me think of just one thing - divorce.

They're here!

Oh, Abi - will he be handsome? Will he be rich?

Que sera, sera, Susan. You'll soon find out.

And when you do, don't tell me.

Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas!

-Happy Christmas, darling. And congratulations!

-Thank you.

Well, where is he, then?

Here. This is Ches! Ches, Mum.

Merry Crimbo! Pleased to meet you, er...

Um... Susan. Thanks. Ches.

Well, what d'you think?

-It's an antique.

-It certainly is.

-Ben!

-So, let's meet the young whippersnapper.

You're forty years too late.

Mmm? Oh, dear. Yeah, yeah, very good.

That's very...

Oh, my God!

-Something the matter, Dad?

-Nope.

-Ring. Ring.

-Ring. Big Ring, nice ring. Lovely ring.

Must be if you can see it from there.

Dad, this is Ches.

Hi, Dad!

Can't breathe. Can't breathe.

So...

you're marrying Janey?

Yep. You know,

you're not what I expected.

We're not what you expected?

-I thought you'd be much younger. No offence.

-None taken.

So, you're marrying Janey?

-Oh, Ben, just shut up!

-What? What's the matter with you?

-With me? Don't be ridiculous.

-Now, I did expect this.

-Oh, Chesey!

-Oh, Janey-ey!

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, no, you don't.

"We were just like them, once upon a time!"

How could you tell?

Well, Michael, Merry Christmas.

Wow. Thanks, Molly.

-I hoped you'd get these.

-Good.

What have you got?

A set of dinner plates.

Uh-oh. Must be getting serious.

I know! Six weeks!

Oh, Michael, maybe next Christmas we'll be eating off them together.

Wicked.

No, I think maybe we should go to your place. Too many relatives here.

OK, but shouldn't you get a jacket?

Nah. Being cold's more...

Christmassy.

Abi, Molly mustn't get the slightest whiff there's a wedding.

You've seen what she's like.

She's started slowing down outside jewellers' windows.

Well, why don't you just break up with her, then?

Well, because she gives the most fantastic...

Christmas presents.

You know, Dad,

Janey's a very, very special lady.

Oh, yes...

unique.

Don't you have something to ask, Ben?

What? Yes? So, you're marrying Janey?

-No, not that again.

-Sorry.

Ben - I mean "Dad" wants to know

-if you can keep Janey in the manner to which she's become accustomed.

-No.

Ches can do much better than that.

Do you know he owns Peppermint Puss...

the chain of nightclubs?

Lap-dancing, pole-dancing, table dancing, disco dancing...

I think we've established that there's dancing.

Your father also wants to know how long you've known each other.

How long is a white dove's kiss?

Ten days.

-But it seems like a lifetime.

-Yeah.

Every minute we're not together seems like...

a minute and a half.

Tell me you're happy for us, Dad.

I'll get back to you in a white dove's kiss.

-When he lowered his poinsettia and I saw his face...!

-I know.

That man is old enough to be her... well, me.

-I can't bear to think of Janey giving herself to some old crinkly.

-No.

It's bad enough I have to.

That man was pulling grey hairs out of his pubes before Janey was born.

I wondered what the screaming was in the next ward.

And those clothes, the tacky nightclubs, the tan, the jewellery.

What does Janey see in him?

He's so nouveau riche.

Well, at least he's riche.

Come on, chin up.

Don't forget you've got a wedding to organise.

Yes.

A June wedding would be nice.

And at least Janey will have a "riche" husband. So I'm off the hook.

Once you've paid for the wedding.

Love the house name, Ches. Very witty. Yep, "Chez Ches"!

No, Dad, it's Ches Ches.

What happened with your education? No offence.

Oh, I only got a string of dental qualifications.

Oh, bummer!

Hello, Kenzo, darling.

These'll give him nightmares, you know.

-Mum...

-Now park your carcasses and I'll drum up some nibbles after I phone my other "very special lady".

His Mum. She's making the wedding cake.

His mum?

I see.

Isn't he wonderful?

-I don't know. You tell us.

-OK.

-He's wonderful!

-But why do you think he's right for you?

Oh, I don't think, Mum. I know.

I've never felt so sure about anything in my life.

-How come?

-A psychic told me.

-A what?

-Yeah.

You know, a psychic once told me I'd meet the one true love of my life at a wedding.

And that's where I met Ches.

-It's destiny.

-A psychic! Are...

Are you crazy?

You can't live your life according to some mumbo-jumbo.

If a psychic said you'd marry a donkey, would you?

That's what they told me...

Janey, there must be other weddings, other men...

other psychics.

But I love Ches. And in two weeks' time I'll be his wife.

-Two weeks? I can't organise a wedding in two weeks!

-Susan.

Oh, Mum, you don't have to.

Ches and I have organised everything.

-Everything? You can't have.

-Susan.

You're hyperventilating, have a dip.

What about the reception?

We're having it here. If you've got it, flaunt it, get married in it.

The church, then? No church will take you at such short notice.

Oh, you're right. So we're having the ceremony here, too.

No church wedding?

This can't be happening.

I know - it's like a dream.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself.

-I could help.

-What's that, Dad?

I was just saying, I think I speak on behalf of Susan when I say...

Oh, and I want you to know I'm paying for it all, too.

The whole shebang.

So, Dad, what were you going to say?

Love the prawn things, son. Susan?

I used to have such plans for Janey. Dreams.

It's like she's going against my wishes all the way.

Or this may not be about you.

-And now even her wedding is being snatched away from us.

-Good.

Look at it this way - you won't have to spend months planning it

and I won't have to listen to you spending months planning it.

And it'll all be paid for by someone else.

Yes, by Ches.

Ches, Ben. She's marrying Ches.

We have to call the wedding off!

It's not ours to call off.

-Is it?

-I suppose.

It's all right, darling, it's all right. You'll get used to it.

You'll think differently when you hear the patter of... tiny snakeskin boots.

-Are you sure you've thought this through, Janey?

-There's no need.

Mum, this is destiny. The psychic, remember?

Bloody psychics, they never think about the future.

-Haven't you heard of love or romance?

-Of course.

I've heard of them.

I can't wait for the wedding.

It's not just that Ches and I are destined. We're so compatible.

We love the same things, you know - shopping, spending money,

holidays, clubbing...shopping.

These are all very important things, Susan.

-You think I'm doing this on a whim?

-I wish it was something that solid.

Yeah, right. I've had enough of you two.

I'm getting married with or without your blessing, and if you don't like it, you can stay away.

OK, staying away it is, then.

No, Ben. Janey obviously loves Ches.

In the end, that's all that matters.

-We are not losing our daughter over this.

-Oh. Aren't we?

No.

We've got to enter into the spirit of this wedding.

You do some bonding with Ches.

We'll invite his parents round.

And I'll need a new outfit.

Some shoes, a handbag, two handbags. Oh, and you, here...

-What's this?

-Get writing your father of the bride speech.

-No chance!

-Ben, you must.

You're only father of the bride once.

-I can't.

-Just write down what you really feel.

OK.

I don't want to make a speech.

Susan, this is an idiotic idea.

You need to get to know Ches, have a fatherly chat.

At the Peppermint Puss?

Good God, we won't hear ourselves over the bumping and grinding.

-Oh, we all have to make sacrifices.

-Can I make some too?

BOTH: No.

CAR HORN BEEPS A TUNE That'll be him.

Unless it's old Mrs Burridge.

Bye.

Bye.

Right...Michael.

-Guest list.

-But Dad's out. Wouldn't he want a say?

Yes. Guest list.

You'll want to invite your little friends - Hubert, Jack, Molly...

No! Not Molly.

-But she's your girlfriend.

-Yes, but...

confetti brings her out in hives.

-Hives?

-Yes.

Suit yourself.

Auntie Joyce,

the Jacksons, Roger...

-Roger's coming?

-Of course.

What about Gran?

Gran. No. She'll be too busy. She won't want to come.

-To the wedding of her only granddaughter?

-Next!

Come on, Susan. You have to have at least one embarrassing drunk at a wedding. It's tradition.

If you don't invite Grace, we'll have to find another one.

We'll put an ad in the paper. Next.

Dad.

-Dad!

-Yeah.

So, how's your business?

-Um, it's pretty much like this really.

-Really?

Yeah, yeah. Well, we're both in the entertainment business, aren't we?

Yeah.

I mean, what's more fun than a mouthful of healthy teeth?

What do you think of the sound system?

Fine. We have Radio 2.

Seems to do the trick.

Oh, thanks, babe.

Thank you. Hey, that's nothing.

You should see what dental nurses wear these days.

Let me get you another one.

Oh, it's fine.

I was talking to her.

What a night.

What a night!

And hello to you too, Ben.

Ches is not a normal son-in-law.

What did you find out?

He's already married? He's a junkie.

He's a bag man to the mob.

Worse than that. He wouldn't let me pay for anything.

Not a penny, not a cent, not a Portuguese escudo.

-But you like not paying.

-Yes, within reason.

But he takes it to extremes.

Valet parking - he paid. Drinks - he paid. Meal - he paid.

Toilet attendant - he paid. Ten quid in the dancer's G-string - he paid.

-A semi-naked girl was gyrating and all you could think about was who was paying?

-By that stage, yes.

Good.

So what did you and Ches talk about?

Who was paying!

By the end of the night, I felt inadequate, completely redundant.

Susan, my role in this family has always been

the poor schmuck who pays for everything. What am I now?

Just a poor schmuck?

-Thank you.

-Where are you going?

To spend a penny. And this time no-one is going to stop me.

Oh, yes.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this.

What can I tell you about my only daughter, Janey?

Look at the facts, what do you see?

An endless list of disappointments.

A single mother, college drop-out,

a grasping, shallow clothes horse,

now married to a sugar daddy

-with all the charm of a virulent stomach bug.

-Stop, stop, stop!

-Yes, dear?

-You can't say any of that!

Yes, I can. I have to say what I really feel.

Oh, no, you're not wriggling out of it that easily.

Don't you know there's a wedding on?

-We've all got to do our bit and yours is making a speech.

-Yes, but I...

-A proper one.

-OK, OK... so what's your bit?

Being an island...of calm.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that's them!

Janey's just settling Kenzo.

I was just telling Ben how proud we are of our Ches.

Do you know he brought strobe lighting to the Midlands?

It must've been a great help down the mines.

So were the hot pants! Refill, anyone?

We've got all this to get through.

Oh, Ches brought a case?

Four cases.

How generous.

So, Edie, you must be delighted Ches has found a girl like Janey?

No.

Oh, right, of course,

cos a man like Ches could have his pick of cheap little bimbos.

Believe me, I have - but I settled on Janey.

Ches is too young to be married.

Where did all the time go?

You mean the last half century?

-Lovely wife you've got there.

-She's a miserable old cow.

I like that in a woman.

Our marriage is nothing but a sham.

Really? Can work for some people.

Not for us. We're only together for the sake of the kid.

-You've got a kid?

-Ches.

Just waiting for him to be off our hands and I can divorce her.

55 years is enough for anyone.

Just look at the sour old baggage.

So, Edie,

how's your wedding cake coming along?

-It's finished.

-Really?

Have you gone for the traditional three tiers or...

It's in the shape of the Bridge of Sighs.

..and these are Ches's cousins, Lucy and Marina.

They're going to be my bridesmaids. Seeing as you won't.

-I hate weddings.

-Oh, I love them.

They're sexy, sexy, sexy.

They're tiresome ritualistic social functions.

With lots of men, men, men.

So are public hangings.

She gets it.

Oh, and Michael's going to be our page boy. ..Mike.

Aw!

-Right, that's it.

-Michael...

Nothing in the world could make me wear this in public.

What about a phone call to Molly?

How do you know about that? Abi!

-Oooooh!

-Kill me now.

Hello, everyone. I've bought my wedding outfit.

-On your own?

-Yes.

I thought the one thing I'd be allowed to do for my own daughter's wedding

is choose my own outfit.

Look, Mum, if it makes you feel better

you can help me choose the material for the bridesmaids' dresses.

OK!

I was thinking pretty pastel shades with ribbons...

Mum, it's between the leopard print or the zebra.

Leopard print or zebra?

Can I be a bridesmaid?

One day to the wedding.

You must be so excited.

Tomorrow, thanks to some dunderhead psychic,

my daughter's marrying a decrepit disco king she hardly knows.

They're pledging their vows in a room that would make Liberace vomit.

The bridesmaids look like extras from Tarzan.

The wedding cake is in the shape of the Bridge of Sighs.

The bride's father thinks he's making a speech for the prosecution, and there's something else...

Oh, yes, yes...

your grandmother's coming.

What are you smirking at?

Can I bring Molly?

The most important advice about marriage is this - stand up for yourself, Janey.

Be assertive and confident.

Not self-effacing and submissive like I am with your father.

Yes? What do you want?

Sorry, darling. Could I just have a little word with Janey? Alone.

OK.

But don't tire her out.

Dad, look, destiny is guiding me.

I don't need your fatherly advice.

No...

you don't need anything from me any more, do you, Janey?

Oh, look.

It reminds me of your teddy - Mr Eddy Edwin Tedworth.

Yeah, that's him.

Oh, mm-hm.

-Ah. It doesn't seem that long since...

-Yes, well...

..big day tomorrow and I'm tired

so just do your advice bit and go.

Er, Janey, darling...

I just want to say...

..always remember to floss...

..regularly.

Sounds good.

'Night, Dad.

Sweet dreams.

Oh, you moron!

Oh, not you as well? And what advice have you got?

This - find yourself another page boy.

-Right, I'm phoning Molly.

-Too late. I've already invited her.

-The way this wedding's shaping up, it'll put her off for life.

-Oh, thanks!

A blessing on you too, Michael.

FLY BUZZES

I'm also running out of food.

FLY BUZZES

I think it says "mother of the bride" in a hip, young, island of calm way.

And what does my outfit say?

HE GIVES A TARZAN CRY

HE CHATTERS LIKE A CHIMPANZEE

Ah, Molly...got your hives under control?

My last girlfriend kept bees.

Susan, would you like to hear the fourth draft of my speech?

Right. What can I tell you about my only daughter, Janey...

No, no, stop, stop. I can't bear it!

Each draft gets worse.

I give in.

-Michael, you're making the father of the bride speech.

-Aw!

But I'm not her father.

Stop nit-picking.

Listen, I don't want any embarrassments today.

Michael, obey orders.

Ben, keep your eye on Ches Senior.

Abi, make sure that Marina girl keeps her knickers on.

And all of you, all of you...

keep Gran off the booze.

Oh, look...it's that damned elusive Pimpernel.

No, no, it's me, Roger Bailey.

And look who I found on the doorstep!

Horizontal or vertical?

Ben, you look radiant.

Hello, mother. Glad you could make it.

Oh, I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

I understand it's going to be ghastly.

Roger, you look...

unusual.

Thanks. You too, Abi.

-This reminds me of the morning of your wedding.

-Oh. Really, Mum?

Mmm.

The hairdresser was late then, too.

The hairdresser has already been.

Try to keep something back, Grace. You're going to need all your bile for later.

Mother, just so that you know,

I ought to warn you that the groom is a little older than you might expect.

I know, Susan, you wrote it on my invitation.

You didn't!

-She wrote it on all the invitations.

-I was trying to avoid embarrassment.

Oh, Michael, look, here comes the bride!

Here comes the embarrassment!

ALL: Oh!

-Today's the day, Ben, eh?

-Yeah.

-Free at last.

-Well, I wouldn't say Janey's exactly been a burden.

No, I was talking about me!

-As soon Ches and Janey are on that plane to Acapulco, Edie won't see me for dust.

-Well, congratulations.

I hope you'll be very happy apart.

Presents over here, please.

Presents over here, please.

Brother of the bride.

Glad to see you're making yourself useful.

Stash these with the others, Hubert.

Now, that is a bit fit.

That's Roger.

Those breeches emphasise things, don't they?!

Hey! This isn't a cattle market.

Sexy, sexy, sexy.

I'm just looking out for Roger.

I noticed.

Understated little place.

Everyone to their taste.

Taste isn't the word that springs to mind.

What does this, um, "Ches" do?

-He's in night clubs.

-And during the day?

There's plenty of time for this later. And remember...

Yes, yes, I know, don't worry -

Ches is a little older than I'd expect.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Ches Rochester.

Grace Riggs. So you're Ches?

Haven't you done well?

Oh, yes.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Fancy a dance later?

And who knows what might follow?

-Your wife?

-Soon to be ex-wife.

I see.

Excuse me.

Ah, how sweet...

twins!

Which of you was born first?

You can't tell.

-Well, Edie, I think you have excellent taste.

-Hmmph.

Better than my son's.

How could he be doing this to me?

Oh, Ches!

Are you the little boy I carried?

I don't know. Does your broomstick seat two?

-How's the island of calm?

-Storm-lashed, overrun by pirates

and in the path of an oncoming oil slick.

Susan, meet Nige, the wedding photographer.

Actually, this is my first wedding.

Oh. But you are a photographer?

Oh, yeah. Glamour.

Pretty young ladies for magazines.

That kind of thing.

Lovely.

-I think we're about to kick off.

-Ah,

the traditional entrance of the bridegroom, Chester Rochester,

flanked by a brace of delightful sex-kittens.

If that's Ches, who's he?

His father, Ches Senior.

He's leaving his wife after the wedding.

Oh, that's a relief.

Where the hell is the bride?

Kenzo. Nappy. And don't say "hell" in chur...in a living room.

Sit down, please. Quickly now. It's Saturday.

-Back to back weddings.

-But...

-Just do it.

-Name, please.

-Ben Harper.

-Repeat - "I, Ben Harper, take thee..."

Sorry, could we just sort of wait for the bride?

It is traditional, mate.

You're not telling me this isn't a gay ceremony?

-No, of course not.

-Oh, come on!

-I know you're in a hurry,

but I'm not about to enter a bigamous gay marriage

with my daughter's fiance to help you out.

Pity - you make a lovely couple.

Here's my special lady now.

There's a good boy. Thanks, Roger.

Right, people. Underwater wedding at the Lido in an hour. Let's get married! Repeat -

"I, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper take thee, Chester Rochester, to be my lawful wedded husband."

I, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper take thee, Chester Rochester, to be my lawful wedded husband.

-Vice-versa. You get the gist.

-I, Chester Rochester,

take thee, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper, to be my lawful wedded wife!

Come on, time to smile after you're married.

Are you, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper, lawfully free to marry Chester Rochester?

-I am.

-Are you, Chester Rochester, lawfully free to marry Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper?

I sure am.

No customising, please.

Rings. Rings, come on!

Ow!

Janey...you are the hurricane beneath my wings,

the cream leather upholstery in my favourite Ferrari,

the filtration system in the jacuzzi of my life.

Oh, you just take your time!

Let the couple at the Lido drown waiting.

Ches...

you are my destiny, my fate,

the platinum Amex card in my Prada wallet.

I want to laugh with you in the rain,

cry with you in the sun. Janey.

I'll stand by your side every day.

I'll dance by your side every night.

Ches.

Yes!

OK, OK...

we've nearly nailed this one. Let's sign the register. Come on.

Music!

MUSIC: Theme From "2001: A Space Odyssey"

All right, mother-in-law?

OK, everyone, OK...

lick your lips, stick out your tongues a little...

now...make love to me, everyone!

Beautiful, beautiful!

That's top notch! Lovely!

-I remember our wedding day so clearly.

-Yeah?

Don't worry,

you won't remember this one at all.

Susan, did you say no-one should embarrass Janey?

Yes. I'd better check no-one is.

I'm going to circulate.

-Dad!

-Ches!

-Maybe we should have that father-in-law, son-in-law chat that you wanted.

-Sure, son.

Once my ribs have healed.

-Abi, have you seen Michael?

-Yeah, he just left the marquee.

-Jealous?

-We're just friends.

Yeah, like those two.

Here's some more. How's it going?

Superbly.

How did people manage to flog wedding presents before we had eBay?

What's the latest, then?

The crystal tumblers are up to 50 quid, the espresso machine is at 70

and we've got a girl-fight over the novelty cruet set.

-Excellent.

-Janey is all right about us doing this?

Janey?

Of course. After all, who needs a yoghurt maker and musical smoke alarm?

A woman in Stavanger, Norway, apparently.

Michael, do you think I might come out and eat at some point?

Not yet. Keep at it.

I'll send someone in with a canape.

Smashing!

Ah.

Molly. Hi. Having fun?

-No.

-Great!

-Who've you got in there?

-No-one.

Just checking on the presents. You know what weddings are like. A hotbed of crime.

Stomach acid?

-All the time!

-What a drag, eh, Dad?

Yep. Arthritis?

Check! Big toe, left foot. You?

Right knee, left elbow...

-Peeing in the night?

-Yeah, tell me about it!

-Well, last night my bladder...

-No, maybe not.

-Ear hair?

-What?

-Ear hair?

-Yeah, yeah.

I could knit a sweater.

-On the old Viagra, yet, then?

-Of course not.

Me neither.

Abi...

I think you should go and see what Roger's up to in the corner, over there.

I knew it!

That piece of trash!

Don't be embarrassing, Abi!

-Roger!

-Abi.

-You've written my name.

-Yes, er...

-I was making a list.

-What of?

People I see.

Where are the other names?

I'm short-sighted.

What's with all the hearts?

It's because...

I love...

making lists.

I love...

-making lists too.

-You do?

Oh, Abi, I never...

Has anyone seen Michael?

Oh, look!

My mother's not good enough for your husband, then?

No Harper could ever be good enough for a Rochester.

You know what, Edie... you're a sour old bat.

I hate your son, I hate your husband, and most of all

I hate your cake!

You're jealous of my cake.

You've always been jealous of my cake.

And you haven't even tasted it yet.

I'll die first!

Probably afterwards too.

Hello, darling. Having a magical day?

Oh, just perfect, Mum. Just like the psychic predicted.

You should have said before...

-I'd have let you foot some of the bill.

-No, it's nice to know...

I never wanted you to feel emasculated or humiliated

or cheap or... lower than the lowest...

Ches, Ches, it's OK, you've made your point.

Ah, here comes the bride!

Janey!

Hello, Mrs Rochester!

Hello, Mr Rochester!

Hello, Jack Daniels.

Right! Come out. I know you're in there.

And you too, Romeo.

I think of myself more as Mercutio.

And looking at Ches I think we can all agree that he has found true happiness.

But we're not just here to celebrate 20 years of Peppermint Puss. There is a wedding on.

Oh, which reminds me, present your wedding invitations at any of our clubs and get a free rum and coke.

Get on with it, Nev. None of us are getting any younger.

I'm only saying.

And now we come to a very special time on this very special occasion.

A speech from the father of the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

-Michael Harper!

-Sit down, Mikey. I'm going to do this speech.

-No, Ben, please...

-Susan, I am the father. Susan.

Now what can I tell you about my only daughter, Janey?

Well, look at the facts and tell me, what do you see?

An endless list of...

attributes.

Now where do I start?

OK. OK. Here goes.

Janey is a...

..beautiful young woman

with a firm will and a sharp wit.

Clear-eyed and determined. She's always known what she's wanted

and no-one was going to stop her. Believe me, I know.

She was told apparently by a psychic

that she was going to meet the man of her dreams at a wedding.

And that man has turned out to be Ches, who's finally saying goodbye to his Mum and Dad,

to make a family of his own.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise your glasses

to...a funny, lively, spirited, cheeky, little girl...

..who's grown into a wonderful daughter...

..a wonderful mother

and, no doubt,

a wonderful wife.

Oh, God!

I give you

Janey and Ches!

ALL: Janey and Ches!

Oh, Ben. That was so moving.

Not at all embarrassing.

I feel like I've let you down.

No, of course you haven't.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the mother of the bride...

-Susan.

..and my husband is just...

My cake!

Really!

Oops.

MUSIC: "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Oh, what's this?

Oh, look, a little more masonry from the Bridge of Sighs.

Bit heavy on the marzipan.

But then so were you!

Ben, I never want to go to another wedding ever.

No worries. There won't be another wedding ever.

Oh, yeah?

# I like to see you

# But then again

# That doesn't mean

# You mean that much to me... #

Everyone, hello. Hi.

I'd just like to say a few words.

Thank you all for coming.

This has been the most wonderful day of my whole life.

And it's been made all the more special by the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Lars!

Ches, I want a divorce.

I told you I was destined to meet the love of my life at a wedding.

Yes, but not your own wedding to somebody else!

That speech, Ben. Why did you have to mention that damn psychic?

-Poor Ches.

-I'm cool, Mr and Mrs H.

I've still got my clubs and my beautiful ladies.

And the wedding's been good for business.

And it's probably best he stays single for the sake of his parents' marriage.

Poor Ches Senior.

No worries. I'm taking Mum and Dad to Acapulco for the honeymoon.

-Party time.

-Well, gotta fly.

Oh, Janey, are you happy with what we talked about?

-Yeah, it's a great offer, Ches, but I don't want your money.

-What?!

-I made the mistake.

-Don't make another.

She'll be all right, Ben.

-She's still got us to support her.

-Yippee.

You said some lovely things about me today, Daddy.

-Oh, all lies.

-Stop it, Ben. You're sullying the memory of her wedding.

It's all right - we've always got the photos.

Ben, I'm sorry things didn't work out the way that you wanted

and maybe this will ease the pain.

A special gift from me to you.

Oh, really? Cheers.

I'm going to let you pay for the wedding.

Just going to be sick with gratitude.

Right, young lady. You and Lars.

Church wedding?

Mum! Dad! Emergency!

The money didn't arrive.

I think it was stolen online by cyber-pirates.

Anyway, the price has gone up. I need 3,000 US dollars and I need it quickly!

The Puppeteers' Union have joined forces with the Guild of Lady Boys.

Please help!

I can't hide from them much longer.

Please!

And...cut.

-Well, it was good for me.

-Oh, yeah?

I dunno.

"Cyber-pirates"? Do you think they'll buy that?

TOGETHER: Yeah.

One more for luck?

-OK.

-OK.

I think I'll try for 4,000 this time.