...And I'll Cry If I Want To My Family

Who invented Christmas, anyway?

The sparkly lights, the happy carollers,

the rosy-cheeked children - God help us!

Where's my spit bowl?

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Oh, my God! Ho-ho-ho, Ben!

Go-go-go, Roger!

Don't be such a grumpy old Scrooge!

For your information,

Scrooge was very much the misunderstood hero of that book...

until the end, when Dickens copped out and made him nice.

Are you like this every year? I believe in tradition.

Why are you dressed like that? I'm going carolling with the accountants on the top floor.

I didn't know accountants celebrated Christmas. Want to come?

We still need a good countertenor.

Ooh...no.

Don't you have patients? I've closed the surgery early - for Christmas.

Are you totally insane? This is our busiest time of the year!

All the cracked teeth from the nuts, the smashed mouths from the office party punch-ups...

Yes, this is the dentists' season to be jolly.

Oh, bah, humbug!

Don't you ever do that again.

Christmas isn't just about making money, Mr Scroogey.

If I'd wanted something pointless hanging in my surgery, Roger, I'd use you.

I see. And don't give me the puppy eyes. You knew I was evil when you took the surgery upstairs. Touche.

Roger, I know you mean well, but I just want to be left alone this Christmas.

I just wanna coast through.

I'm still recovering from all the mirth of last year.

So when you see me out in the hall, don't ho-ho-ho me or ding-dong-merrily me.

Can I Good-King-Wenceslas you?

Susan! I thought we had a deal that you'd warn me when the in-laws were coming.

Susan! Oh! I'm glad you're here.

I'd like to introduce you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle, Uncle Maurice

and the Amazing Beppo.

Well, if they're here, who's running the country?

TOY BUZZES

Why do you guys always do that?

What is this, some sort of clown law?

Susan, could I, erm, have a word with you, please?

Anything you have to say can be said in front of my clowns. Now! Oh, all right.

Take five, boys.

Lovely juggling.

SMASH, BANGS AND GLASS SHATTERS

What IS going on? I'm auditioning clowns. Want to be considered?

We're celebrating Kenzo's birthday on Christmas Eve. What?

I want to make it special, cos it always gets overshadowed by Christmas.

Well, that's a good thing! That way, we just buy him the one present.

Conceiving illegitimately in March was the best thing Janey ever did.

At the moment, I'm leaning towards Uncle Maurice.

Which one was he? Blue hat, big feet, red nose.

Loved him. Yep. But he reeked of booze.

It's not booze, Ben, it's meths. Oh, that's fine(!) Kids love meths.

He does fire-eating, Ben.

How do you like your kids - medium rare or extra crispy?

So NOW you start to care about children.

You know, it seems like only yesterday when it was Janey's third birthday.

When in fact it was tens of thousands of pounds ago.

Can't we knock Kenzo out with some cough medicine and tell him he had a party?

Why don't I just give you cough medicine and tell you you had a wife?

Listen, we're having this party and it'll be wonderful, even if you're there.

Will you excuse me? I have three clowns waiting.

I'm sorry, once we've decided which one's right for the party, we'll let you know.

Ignore him, Mum.

It's all right, Susan, I'm used to Ben's cruelty masquerading as wit.

By the way, you have three old boyfriends in the living room.

Ha-ha-ha! Very good, Gracie.

Always leave on a good one.

See you sometime in the new year.

Ben, you know my mother's staying for Christmas. Then why is she dressed for Halloween?

Now, who wants a gin and tonic? I do!

We're out of gin. The refineries haven't caught up since your last visit.

Maybe I'll take my broomstick up to that charming little corner shop.

You mean the off-licence? Is it?

I hadn't noticed!

Don't even think of locking that door!

Locking it? I was thinking of bricking it up.

Oh, Ben, the poor woman's all alone.

All her friends have died off. Even her cat ran away.

Yeah, yeah, and made you feel guilty.

Yep. Look, she's like a horror film.

If we don't stick together, she'll pick us off one at a time.

OK, I'm gonna have a nap. With any luck, I won't wake up.

Don't look for your presents.

What do you mean? I thought we weren't gonna do them this year.

It's just something small.

God!

God, take me now!

Oh, yes!

Yeah! I'm not taking my shoes off, Susan.

OK? Just take that, baby!

OK, I'll take one off.

OK.

I wonder where the presents are?!

She's so predictable!

Hello, presents!

Yes, I wonder what socks I'm gonna have to pretend to like this year.

That'll be Janey.

No, that's Michael.

Something small, she said, and something small...

?1,200?

All I got her was an ironing-board cover.

Maybe it's not for me.

Oo-oo-oo-oh. "To the man who rocks my world."

It's for me.

It IS for me.

Oh, my God!

KNOCKING ON DOOR Come in!

What do you think, Dad?

Do you do hen nights?

I'm a postman. Ah!

It's my Christmas job. The one you forced me to get.

I-I did that? Oh!

Well, I AM a good parent. Michael...

Erm, a little problem.

A little problem...

A tiny disparity between what I've spent on your mother's present

and what she's spent on mine. How tiny?

?1,197.53.

You didn't get her a tea towel again?

It was tea towels, Michael, tea towels.

What did you get her, then? An ironing-board cover(?)

Look, it doesn't matter what it is.

And without that cover, that ironing board would get burned, Michael, and burned very badly. OK?

Now, what do you think she'd want instead?

I mean, you talk to her, and stuff.

Well, how about an Xbox?

Nah. She doesn't get off on those kind of films. God knows, I've tried.

That's the sort of thought you should keep inside your head.

Come on, Michael, help me.

What could I give your mother that she'd REALLY want?

Well... And don't say, "Her freedom." Oh.

In that case, I have nothing.

You know, Mother, you shouldn't mix the grape with the grain.

They do in muesli.

You've put that ring of mine away safely, haven't you, Susan? Yes...

Are you sure you want to give a man you've just met an expensive present like that?

Yes. I want to hang on to him. The sex is fantastic!

Mother, please, I intend to eat some time today.

No, no, this is getting good.

Grandma? Mm?

Have you got yourself a toy boy?

He's somewhat younger than me, yes.

Yoda is younger than you.

Erm, just popping out, OK? Just a little late Christmas shopping.

Dad, Gran's got herself a toy boy!

Really? Is his guide dog nice? You can ask him yourself. I've invited him for Christmas dinner.

Ben, start the car!

Janey, we have to talk about Kenzo's party.

Why do you have to take control of everything?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. What was your plan for the party?

Erm...

Your plan sounds good. Let's go with that.

You know the only reason she's doing this is because she forgot your third birthday?

Mother! You forgot my third birthday?

I had three children under five. You were lucky I remembered to bring you in at night.

I never forgot YOUR birthday.

That's only because it coincided with the Munich Beer Festival.

Kenzo's having a party that no-one will forget. Anyone want a gin and tonic? I do.

Now, Janey, what are we going to do about Kenzo's father?

Shall I invite him or do you want to?

But you don't know who he is.

You better do it, then. Change the record, Mum.

But it's important Kenzo has a father figure to help guide him through life.

Yeah, well, I managed without one.

Good one, Janey. Remember that for when Ben gets back.

Mother, the hospital called. Your liver's ready.

Please, Janey, for me?

OK, but here's the deal.

If I invite him, you have to promise not to make a big thing of it and never mention it again.

Of course, darling. Thank you.

You really forgot my third birthday?!

And she left you out when it rained, too.

I've booked a bouncy castle, a fireworks display, chocolate bubble blower,

two face painters, Czechoslovakian puppet show.

Do you think that's enough?

What, no fly-past by the Red Arrows(?)

No Cossack dancers? No skydiving bears? They have skydiving bears? Ooh, yeah...

Susan, why are you making such a big deal about this party?

Third birthdays are very important to children.

I'm determined Janey's third birthday is going to be the best one ever. You mean Kenzo.

I said Kenzo. You didn't. You just said...

OK. OK. Fine.

I mean, just keep it under six figures, that's all, because I can't afford all this AND get you...

Get me what? Er, nothing. Nothing.

How much do you like ironing?

It was just a quick question.

Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling.

Look how much Charlie Chortle's charging!

Actually, we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall-bladder surgery.

Well, can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.

Anyway, all of this is immaterial. I've managed to get Shingles.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. So the party's off, is it?

Shingles is a clown. Oh! The most sought-after children's entertainer in the country.

We were lucky there was a last-minute cancellation. Was Psoriasis the Clown booked?

Ben, if you're flinging jellies and custard pies around, you want to be in safe hands.

Good God, who's doing the fireworks?

My mother.

Well, you know tweed and alcohol are a very combustible mix.

I told you I'd thought of everything.

OK!

Oh, higher, Ben!

The fairy goes on the top!

Yes, I know where to stick the fairy.

I also know where I would LIKE to stick the fairy.

I can't believe this was the best tree they had, Ben.

It's all dried out and drooping at the bottom.

Are you sure you're looking at the tree? That's it, I'm killing her.

No court will convict me.

What is that sickly smell? It smells like Elton John's exploded in here.

Good morning, sir, madam.

Try a free sample?

Caravanserai, an insouciant fragrance

from the blazing sands of the Samarkand,

guaranteed to inflame the passion of your favourite sheikh.

This job is only for two weeks, isn't it, Abi?

With you and my mother here, I'm afraid to light a match.

How does my make-up look? They're very strict about presentation. It looks lovely, dear.

That reminds me, I need to confirm the clown. I didn't put mascara on.

The trowel's in the garage. DOORBELL RINGS

Anybody want an aspirin? I do!

Why don't you swallow the whole bottle, you bat?

Mrs Harper? Yes?

I'm Alfie Butts. That's with two Ts.

The second T is silent.

That's my icebreaker.

Anyway, I'm a friend of Nick's.

Oh! Nick alert! Just because YOU haven't any friends.

Sorry, Alfie, Nick isn't here, I'm afraid.

Yes, I know that.

Didn't he call? No.

OK. Well, erm...I won't take any more of your time, then.

OK! Don't be a stranger. No, wait.

Come in, Alfie, you look frozen. Oh!

No, I'm not cold, I'm just a bit shaken up, really.

I'm not used to London ways, you see, and as I was getting off the coach,

I got rather drawn into a game of three-card brag on the street.

Oh, dear. Did you lose much? No, it's quite simple once you've sussed out the mathematical probabilities.

I won ?1,000.

A thousand quid?! Take a seat, Alfie!

But then they beat me up and took the money back. Been nice knowing you, whatever your name is.

You must be Mr Harper.

Nick's told me all about you.

I thought he was exaggerating.

Sit down. No, Susan... Stay there.

Susan? Susan! We can't just turn him away.

Think about it - Alfie is like the Christmas traveller looking for shelter. Remember?

Yes. Mary, Joseph and the stable? Oh, yes, of course!

Maybe it's hindsight, but then no-one was worried Mary and Joseph were gonna nick their video.

I mean, how do we really know he's a friend of Nick's?

Well, look at him.

I'm looking. It looks like Keith Richards and Worzel Gummidge had a love child.

Alfie, how do you know Nick?

Oh, we met when he was camping out in our field waiting for Glastonbury to start.

Unfortunately, our field is 100 miles from Glastonbury,

and it was winter. He rolled around in the mud, all the same.

He would, yeah. ..Well, he knows Nick. So what does that prove?

Ooh, I almost forgot - there's something Nick wanted me to give you. Hang on.

Oh, wow! Wow!

An original Dinky fire engine!

Oh, that is my favourite! I always wanted one of these when I was a kid.

I'd always save up my pocket money to buy it. That's my favourite, too.

My dad gave me that when I was four.

Ah, what a sweet story.

What about my story, eh? My story was sweet.

Oh, here it is.

Oh, I love Christmas presents. Yes, lovely. And what's Nick sent us?

Yes, his crusty socks. Yes, he does care.

And, er, here's the address to send it back to.

No starch, non-bio.

Alfie, let me show you to Nick's room. No, Susan!

He's staying. He's staying.

Thank you, Mrs Harper.

Sorry, forgive me for being so forward, but where I'm from we're big huggers. What?

Huggers. OK.

That's how we keep warm.

OK, still got my wallet. Let me show you to your room.

Oh, no need, Mrs Harper.

Nick's described this house to me in so much detail, I know it like the back of my hand.

That's the kitchen. Eh?

Don't worry. Nick used to do that, as well.

Ooh!

Thank you.

Oh!

Ah! Nosferatu! Oh, hello, Grace.

Sorry, Grace, much as it pains me, I need to ask for your help.

You want me to feed the hose through the car window while you start the engine(?) Yes.

Let's save something for the new year, shall we, Grace?

I was hoping you might have a suggestion for Susan's Christmas present.

A divorce?

I wasn't thinking of spending that much.

# Don we now our gay apparel Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la

# As we sing this yuletide carol Fa-la-la-la-la la-la... #

Stop! # ..la. # I'm sorry, Ben.

What are you doing here in the dark?

I thought I'd give you one last chance to go carolling.

I'd rather take my eyelids off and face the sun, Roger.

I won't have you being down at Christmas.

Now, what can I do to make you feel better? How about Russian roulette? You start.

All right, all right, you CAN help. I can? Yes.

I just happened to be rummaging through Susan's cupboard

and accidentally kind of, you know, came across...

what she bought me for Christmas. Ooh...!

You're not supposed to do that!

Every time someone spoils a Christmas surprise, an elf dies!

Yes, well, every time a wife doesn't get an equally expensive present, a dentist dies. Now, come on, Roger.

Roger, what would she want?

Well, you know, Ben...

women will send out certain signals. Yeah...

I can't afford this, Roger.

Kenzo's party's bleeding me dry.

And Susan's got Shingles.

Shingles?! Shingles the Clown?!

Only the most sought-after clown in the country!

Isn't it amazing? Only you would know that.

Oh, Ben, money spent on a clown is never wasted.

It's a vastly underrated art form.

Clowns, elves - where do you live, Roger? In a hollow tree?

Clowning's a bit of a passion of mine. Watch this.

Hup! Ha!

Hup! Ha! Hup!

Oh, that's great, Roger. Mrs Green's gonna be sucking her turkey through a straw this year.

I'm sorry, I'm a little clumsy. What?

Yes!

Little Clumsy the Clown! What?

Nothing.

Mrs Green's in luck.

FOOTSTEPS

Ooh!

Oh!

Sorry.

According to Nick's directions, this is the bathroom.

But you're Michael, right? Er, whoa.

Erm... In this family, we don't go in for displays of affection.

Or affection. You must be Alfie. How are you finding us?

Oh, yeah, yeah, your family seems so nice.

Give them time.

So...

you're a...postman.

Temporarily. The hours are killing me. I have to get up at four in the morning.

As late as that? Back on the farm, we'd just be finishing lunch.

I'm looking for a job myself.

Just until I make a dent in the coal face of the music industry.

I might be able to put something your way. Oh, great!

I just hate being idle. I don't care what it pays.

Then I can definitely put something your way.

Try this on.

Oh, really? Could I?

Oh, yeah.

And let me tell you, the chicks go crazy for the uniform.

Well, the ones that are up.

Oh, no! I've just wrapped Kenzo's birthday present in Christmas paper.

What? This isn't all for Kenzo?!

We have to give our grandson a few little trinkets.

An 800-quid party is a pretty big trinket!

Kids today!

The only entertainment I had at my parties was my Uncle Cecil taking his eye out.

I'd blow out the candle, the other kid'd go home...

You know what I really wish I had? No, what? What, what, what, what?

A video camera. A video camera?

I suggested using one of those at our anniversary, but you were afraid the kids might find the tape.

I meant for Kenzo's party. Yeah.

Anyway, it wasn't the videoing that put me off that idea.

It was the leather shorts and the sour cream.

It was creme fraiche.

It's down the hall. Second left. Thank you.

OK! OK, video camera it is.

Signal sent, signal received.

Oh! And I've got Janey to invite Kenzo's father.

What? Is that a good idea? I mean, how much is he going to eat?

Ben, I want Kenzo to have a really good male role model before he gets to know you too well.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who can that be at this time of night? It'll be carol singers. Scum!

Scrooge!

Hello, Ben!

It's me - Roger!

ROGER HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC

What? What? Shut up! Shut up!

Roger, please! Please, Roger!

HORN HONKS

(Shut up!)

HONK! Shut...!

Susan's upstairs.

Sorry, Ben. I just put the costume on and I got carried away.

What do you think of the name Dento?

Dento the Clown. Like "dentist", see?

I don't want Dento.

I don't need Dento.

I hired you to be Shingles.

Don't you think Susan'll take one look at me realise I'm not Shingles? No, because all clowns look alike!

Ben, that is racist.

It's not! OK, then, it's clownist.

Get out, Roger! Smell my flower, Ben.

Who is it, Ben? It's all right, darling.

It's OK, it's just carol singers. I'm putting the hose on them.

Just get out!

BUZZING

Stop it, stop it! Just get...!

Get out, get out!

How do they drive in those shoes?

HONK!

Makeover, madam?

Perk up your face for Christmas -

you look rough.

Make you look 40 again.

I'm 37.

Come on, it's just us girls.

Excuse me, sir, how about some Bronzo in-hair highlights?

Lose that just-left-prison look.

Well, I didn't know! It's just an expression.

Repulsion, the new fragrance from the Roman Polanski collection.

Eyes! Eyes, eyes, eyes!

I mean, sir, can I interest you in a five-minute facial? You'll be out of here in 20 minutes.

No, no, no, you can interest me in your staff discount card, Abi.

I've got to buy Susan a video camera.

And would Susan be your wife or partner, sir?

Wife, partner, nemesis - let's not quibble. OK, give me the card.

Only if you help me out first.

Come on, Ben, I'm supposed to do three makeovers an hour.

I haven't done one since that tall Taiwanese woman with the big Adam's apple.

Are you seriously insane? I haven't got time, Abi! Give me the card! All right. All right, too bad.

That was a 20% discount card. Oh, yeah.

OK, OK, OK, damn you beauticians.

# Blues

# Got the old bull-castration blues

# I'm goin' down

# Into my bull-castration shoes

# I'm a bullish kind of lover

# I just never got enough

# Until the mean old farmer man Lord!

# He cut away my stuff. #

Alfie, that's got Christmas number one written all over it.

Oh, no, I'm not into chart success per se. I've gotta stay focused.

That's where a lot of artists go wrong, you see.

Oh, can I lick the spoon?

Nick used to lick the spoon.

And he will again, Mrs Harper.

Sweet of you to say so.

There! Finished!

I'd like to see Nigella make a cake without butter, eggs or sugar.

Who's Ken 20?

That's... It's... That's Kenzo.

It's Kenzo. It's Janey's little boy.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want to lick the bowl as well?

Well, I've only been here a day.

I don't want to appear overfamiliar.

Hey, Mum, how's it going?

Can I help?

Who's Ken 20?

It's Kenzo. Kenzo.

Your little boy. Ah.

Is that My Little Pony? Yes. Brings back memories, doesn't it?

Well, not for Kenzo it doesn't. I mean, he doesn't know who My Little Pony is. And it's for girls, Mum.

I thought you might like it.

I liked it when I was three.

Mum, look, I really don't mind that you missed my third birthday.

But if you feel really guilty about it, you could give me, oh, I don't know, ?100?

I don't feel guilty.

Oh, look, just turn the pony into a dragon or something violent, anyway.

It IS my son we're talking about.

When will that girl let it go?

You really did make this without sugar. Amazing.

"Have a facial peel," she said.

"It'll take five minutes," she said.

Look at me - I look like the last Scotsman out of the pub on Burns' Night.

I like it, Ben. It gives the room a warm, Christmassy glow.

No more comments from you, OK?

No more. If I didn't love you so much...

I wouldn't look like this.

Now excuse me.

Oh, God, that's better.

There's no booze in there. I've already looked.

Susan, darling, I've been thinking.

Because of Kenzo's birthday party, I'm going to give you your Christmas present early. Oh! Thank you, Mum.

It's a video camera. Oh, no!

"SILENT NIGHT" ON GUITAR

I can't believe this Christmas.

I've got the mother-in-law - the creature that time forgot - in the bedroom upstairs...

..I've got a face like a Swan Vesta...

I'm hosting a kid's party that cost more than the gross national product of Chad...

I've got two non-returnable Christmas presents, one of which is an ironing-board cover.

That's ?3 I'm never gonna see again.

And on top of all that, I still don't know what to get Susan for Christmas.

Shut up.

Well, if I know Mrs Harper as well as I think I do...

Alfie, please, you've been here one day!

Fair enough. What do you think she'd like?

Well, she's passionate about music, literature and art, particularly the pre-Raphaelites,

which she studied during her first year at Newcastle University.

Susan went to university?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she... Sorry.

But her current passion is the Bloomsbury Set.

I can't afford the whole set.

Can I just get the knickers?

No, no, no - the Bloomsbury Set is...

Never mind.

Just get her a book, a first edition.

Perhaps Mrs Dalloway. Yeah.

Yeah, Mrs Dalloway. She'd like that. She'd love that. It's by Virginia Woolf.

Yeah, I knew that.

I'll write it down for you. Yeah, OK. Print it. Print it.

Can you give me some help with this?

(HIGH VOICE:) People of Earth, you have no reason to fear us.

The helium's for the balloons.

While you toy with your primitive decorations, our spaceships are massing.

Hello, Mum. Where is Singles? He was supposed to be here an hour ago to set up.

You know what tiny little clown cars are like.

He's probably had to stop every five minutes to pick up his doors. I love you, but I don't like you.

Mum, just calm down.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Jellies! Jellies! Jellies! Jellies!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. Hi, Alfie.

How's my job going? Ooh, we got paid today.

Erm, here's your pay slip.

Cheers, Alfie. As soon as this clears, I'll give you your third.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no - it's your job, it's your money.

Anyway, I'm just happy to keep busy. Well, if you're sure. Oh, aye.

Besides, I earned nearly three times that in Christmas tips this week. And it's tax-free.

Alfie!

Alfie!

Here!

I've got it.

(HIGH VOICE:) Oh, I'm so pleased.

Got what? Mrs Dalloway.

First edition. ?1,200.

1,200 quid!

Are you sure Susan's gonna realise how much it cost?

Oh, I'm sure Mrs Harper is astute enough to recognise the value of a first edition.

I'll leave the receipt in just to hammer it home, yeah?

Gracie!

I'm coming to get you!

That's your mother's toy boy?!

He's three months younger than her.

In their crowd, that makes her Demi Moore.

Isn't it wonderful, Ben? The kids are having so much fun.

You'd have fun if you were a kid destroying a house a man had worked his entire life for.

DOORBELL RINGS At last. Shingles! Don't expect too much from Shingles.

I'd hate to see you disappointed. Why would I be disappointed? No reason. It's fine.

Here, shoot the kids. Yeah, with pleasure.

DOORBELL RINGS You wanna be shot?

You're not a clown. No, I'm a doctor. Well, what use is that?

Andrew Barker? Janey invited me. Oh!

Oh, yes, yes, of course, come in.

You must be Kenzo's...

mother's...

friend person.

Oh, and a doctor!

Janey? Your friend from three years and nine months ago is here.

She loves it when I'm specific.

And he's a doctor! Thank you!

Ben? Ben, this is Andrew.

(He's Kenzo's father.) Oh, finally the toe-rag has the decency...

Oh, how are you? Very nice to meet you. He's a doctor. Oh, really?

Couldn't hack it in dental school, then? Actually, I'm a neurosurgeon. It's very challenging work.

Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, yeah.

Well, brains don't bite you when you're trying to put in a bridge.

You made it! Great!

Ben, Ben, you're wanted in the kitchen!

Oh! Ow, ow!

The clown's hysterical. I'm coming!

And not in a good way!

It's wonderful to meet you at last.

Janey's told me absolutely nothing about you. DOORBELL RINGS

Please let this be Shingles.

Oh, hello!

I'm a big boy now. So I see.

I can do a poo by myself.

Good for you!

I've done one over there.

Perfect!

Ben!

Josh? Oh, you made it! Come in!

Mark! Come on in!

And who are they? Oh, just...some more fathers.

That was some night you had.

Come on, Roger! Roger!

I'm sorry, I can't do it! I thought I could, but I can't! What the hell are you talking about?

I've got stage fright, Ben! It's a room full of kids! They won't even remember you tomorrow!

That makes it worse, somehow!

Oh, clowns! How can something that brings so much joy bring so much fear?

Listen!

You wanna see fear? You wanna see real fear? Just watch my face when Susan comes through that door.

Come on, Roger! You're funny.

You're really funny! Am I, Abi? Am I really?

Well...

not so much when you're being a clown, but when you're eating and things like that.

Yeah, Roger, you're hysterical when you're eating. Now come on! Go out there a second-rate dentist

but come back a first-rate clown. Please, Roger, please! Go on!

NO!

For God's sake, Roger, pull yourself together!

Not the nose!

Are they still playing hide-and-seek?

I've lost all feeling in my feet. Here, Alfie, take your guitar. Get out there, entertain the kids.

Sing one of your stupid songs.

AUDIENCE: Aw...!

I WILL play, Mr Harper, because I want the stage time, but adjectives like "stupid" motivate no-one.

OK. OK.

Dutch courage - that's what we need.

Are you sure that's a good idea? Yep, it's a very good idea.

DOOR SHUTS

I thought I heard the sound of a bottle opening!

HE SINGS IN WELSH

All together now.

HE SINGS SONG AGAIN IN WELSH

Michael, look, it's the Three Wise Men.

They can't be that wise - one of them slept with Janey.

Probably all three slept with Janey.

I just wish I knew which one was Kenzo's father.

There's a simple way to find out.

How? How?

DNA testing. It's infallible. They even have home DNA testing kits now. I have one in my room.

What do you have one for?

I regularly check whether I'm your natural-born son.

It's coming out positive, but I live in hope.

So do we.

Now, all I'll need is a sample of hair or saliva from each of the potential victims.

Plus ?100. What's that for?

I have to touch hair and saliva.

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# All through town

# The wipers on the bus go swish-swish-swish... #

CHILDREN: We want Shingles! We want Shingles!

# ..The wipers on the bus go swish-swish... #

We want Shingles! # ..The wipers on the bus go... #

We want Shingles!

REPEATED SLAPPING AND HONKING

Can you please stop slapping him, Ben? It's not helping!

It's helping me!

REPEATED SLAPPING AND HONKING

Ben, please come outside and help! One of the kids is demanding to go home. Well, let him!

It's Kenzo! Ah.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

Ta-da!

What do you mean, "Ta-da"? BOTH: Ta-da!

It's Shingles! Shingles!

Yes!

I love you! Yeah, OK...

I just didn't know how much clowns drank, Susan.

It's all that crying on the inside.

Why is Roger dressed like that?

Well, you're gonna laugh at this.

Or, in fact, smile wryly.

What have you done? You see, Shingles cancelled.

Yes, idiot. He cancelled at the last minute and...

apparently he had to rush off to entertain...

The astronauts! ..astronauts...

Shhh!

You cancelled him, Ben, didn't you?

Because you're a mean, mean man. She's got her nasty face on. Shut up.

And I was gonna be his assistant. Oh, it's a nice costume, Abi.

It's my swimsuit.

Yeah, look at this. Isn't it gorgeous, Susan?

Stunning, isn't it, in cerise? And she's sewn the sequins and the feathers on just for Kenzo.

Nah, it's always been like this.

Mind you, I did spend a lot of time at the bottom of the pool.

Listen, Ben. Yep, OK. I promised these children Shingles, and Shingles they're damn well getting.

You have two minutes to produce a clown

or I'll use part of your anatomy to make balloon animals.

OK. Look, come on, Roger. Come on!

Come on, Roger, Roger, Roger.

You heard the woman. Now, come on, Roger! It's show time!

Show time!

If Roger's too drunk and incompetent to go on, then so am I.

# Blues

# Got the old bull-castration blues

# I've got 'em down

# Into my bull-castration shoes

# I'm a bullish kind of lover

# I just never got enough

# Until the mean old farmer man Lord!

# He cut away...my...

# Stuff! #

Bravo!

Thank you!

Thank you(!)

All right, everybody, give it up for Shingles!

And his glamorous assistant, Mrs Susan!

Hello, boys and girls! Hello, Mr Harper!

No, I'm Shingles!

Mr Harper's been taken away to a maximum-security prison.

Good gag, Gracie, good gag.

Why is Dad doing this?

Well, Shingles had to go and entertain the astronauts. What?

VOMITING Oh, Roger!

OK, OK, kiddies -

I'm gonna make this short, so we can all get out of here.

Who wants to hear a funny story?

Me! Yeah, right!

The boy stood on the burning deck It was only one o'clock...

Ben! I mean Shingles! Yes, all right, I was gonna clean it up!

I know, Shingles, how about your classic paper-cutting routine? What?

Oh, yes, my classic paper-cutting routine...

Yes. Thank you, Mrs Susan.

Can I have the birthday boy up here, please? Yeah, here he comes.

Big round for Kenzo!

Dad, this is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done.

SQUIRTING

Right, Kenzo! Kenzo, do you like lions?

He likes lions! Do you all like lions? Yeah!

Big lions like you've seen at the zoo?

Well, I'm gonna make a big lion out of paper, a lion sitting

astride a carriage with two magical footmen sitting alongside of him.

This is your lucky day, cos it's your birthday!

Cos what I've got here... I've got a moth. You see? The lion turned into a moth!

Yeah!

Stop clowning around and get serious. I'm doing the best I can.

All right, OK, who wants to meet my friend Wally? Me!

You do? Right, he's in my trousers. He's very shy. For God's sake!

It's all right, don't worry. Kids love this! ..After three, you've got to say, "Come out, Wally."

One, two, three...

Come out, Wally!

Hello, children!

BOO!

It's only his wallet!

Well, enjoy it, kids.

He doesn't get that out every day.

I love you, Shingles! I love you!

You're the funniest clown a kid ever saw!

Oh, God, two years in dental school for this. I can't cope. I'm going.

What are you doing? You can't stop now! What?

Oh, look, here's Percy!

I'm feeling a bit empty inside!

Well, whose fault is that, Miss Money-Spendy? Oh, you wallets!

You think you know everything! You idiot!

Who are you calling an idiot? Eh? Eh?

You're not even real leather, are you?

That's because it was a gift from you. Oh, yeah?

They're loving this. Keep hitting me, Susan. Hit me! Hit me!

I'll hit you!

Hello, boys and girls!

It's your friend Shingles!

Roger... Would you like to see my elephant impression?

There's one ear, there's the other ear...

Ladies and gentlemen, the test results are in.

Oh, God, don't tell me Janey's pregnant again.

No, no, no,

it's the DNA results.

Michael tested Kenzo's three potential fathers from the party. I beg your pardon?!

It's good to win once in a while. I've beaten you, Janey.

I've beaten you like a fluffy omelette. Susan Harper! In all my years,

I have never known anything so devious, so despicable...

I just love the new you.

In the category of Best Father...

Excuse me - Best Father in a Non-supporting Role.

Look, I'm sorry to unravel your sneaky little plot,

but none of the guys at yesterday's party was Kenzo's father. In fact, I've never slept with any of them.

And, as unlikely as that sounds...

my results do support that conclusion.

I will, however, be keeping the money.

Janey, you promised to bring Kenzo's father to the party. We had a deal.

But if I told you who he really was, you'd never rest until you involved him in our family.

I don't want that, and, Lord knows, he wouldn't want that. What sane man would?

What makes you think we'd interfere? You just got Michael to... Do a DNA test!

Oh, that's just what mothers do.

If the technology's there, why not use it?

Well...

I think I'd better be off.

Alfie, where are you going?

Well, ever since I arrived, this family's been in disarray.

Actually, it's one of their more successful Christmases.

Yes, well, I'm not one for sentimental goodbyes, so, erm... goodbye, Alfie.

Actually, Mr Harper, erm...

this is for you.

You've been so kind to me... underneath the overt hostility.

Well, I don't know what to say, Alfie. I, er...

Wow!

Oh, a Dinky...!

I haven't got you anything.

I have. Alfie, it's Christmas Day. You're going nowhere.

Yeah, I know, I've heard his music.

Gracie! What a beautiful ring! What? Thank you!

Read the inscription. Oh, right.

"To the..." "..man who rocks my world."

That's... I thought I rocked your world. Not your world, YOUR world.

You do, Ben. Now let's open our presents. Not now. I'd rather you didn't, because I think it's wrong.

It's all wrong. I don't like it, you won't like it. I'm gonna exchange it.

For God's sake! No, don't open it!

Tea towels. ?5 on tea towels.

Oh, Ben!

Mrs Dalloway! Yeah.

Oh, and it's a first edition!

It must have cost you a fortune if this receipt is anything to go by!

Thank you, darling!

Now, you read it slowly, OK?

That's ?20 a page.

I'm almost embarrassed about what I bought you. Socks? You're right. Embarrassed? No!

OK. Let's eat!

Yes, let's!

No, wait, we haven't given Alfie his present.

I got Abi to get it, because I was so busy with the party.

I'll go and get it!

Alfie, in the few days that you've been with us, you've really become part of the family.

And this is our way of saying welcome.

He's now in our family? What did you get him? Not expensive, is it?

Abi, I said, "Get him a door key"!

Oh!

Well, a donkey's still nice, isn't it? It's lovely.

And it's very Christmassy.

Oh, look, it's snowing.

Oh, great, that's all I need(!)

Well, why not?

We've had the Christmas donkey, the Three Wise Men...

the Christmas visitor.

Yeah, why not a bit of snow?

How alarmingly traditional.

Come on, Ben, say it.

Say what?

Merry...

OK, all together...

Merry Christmas... Oh, great(!)

DONKEY BRAYS