Episode 1 My Favourite Joke

Coming up, Britain's best-loved comedians reveal who gets

their chuckle muscles working overtime.

Connolly was a complete one-off, there was nobody else like him.

I defy anyone to watch him playing the piano and not laugh.

Absolutely mind blowing.

From stand-up routines to sketches and classic sitcoms

they're letting us in on their all-time favourite jokes

and their love, envy and sheer admiration

for the star performers behind them!

No-one had ever taken the mickey out of those dirty old men that we all knew.

I could have a bit of that!

I was laughing until I cried watching that.

That was the moment that changed his life

and I'm still waiting for mine.

So dust off your laughing gear, hold onto your armchairs

and buckle up for a raucous ride into the land of comedy.

My comedy hero, really, from the age of 12 or 13, for a good few years

was Billy Connolly.

I remember seeing him on Parkinson.

He came on and he had this kind of raw energy about him

and I don't think I'd ever seen that in anyone

that I'd seen on television before. There was almost something exotic about Billy Connolly, actually.

You're sitting in the class, right, you've got Wellingtons on...

-Do you wear Wellingtons all the time?

-Till I was 19, you know.

Connolly was a complete one-off, there was no-one else like him.

There were very, very few young comics around.

And the guys with impetigo had leather pilots' helmets on!

When Billy Connolly made his debut appearance on Parkinson in 1975

he was little known outside of Scotland.

Connolly seized his moment to tell a risque joke which had people,

all over the nation, falling off their three-piece suites.

I remember just thinking it was the funniest thing ever. He told this joke about...

He tells this joke, famously, that he was told not to tell

but he thought it was going well, so why not give it a go?

A guy came up to me in the street.

I hope I can get away with this, it's a beauty.

You can sort of see a shift in his body language, there,

as he kind of just gets into position

and you can see he's thinking to himself,

"Shall I say this? Shall I actually say this joke?

"Will I get away with it?"

He said, "Ey, Big'un."

You know in Scotland they call me Big'un and I'm not very big

but everybody there is awful wee, you know.

He said, "Did you hear about the guy who done his wife in and that?"

And I said, "No."

The most telling moment in that

is where he sort of gives these sideways glances at Mike

to see how this is going down.

Cos in the car on the way to the studio, his manager had said to him

"Billy, under no circumstances tell that joke.

"Do not tell that joke, your whole career will be over."

So this guy was going out to meet his friend in a pub

and he went down and he said, "Oh, how's it going?"

He said, "Fine." He said, "How's the wife?"

He said, "She's dead." He said, "What?"

He says, "Dead, in the ground, I murdered her. Forget it."

He said, "You're kidding me, aren't you?" He said, "No, no, this morning. Dead."

He said, "I'm not talking to you if you keep on talking like that." He said, "I'll show you if you want."

Straightaway, I loved the way that Connolly starts the joke like that,

that this guy is like, "She's dead."

And he kind of implies that he killed her.

And it's a dark area and fascinating that that can still be comedy,

I think, is brilliant.

So I went up to his tenement building through the close,

that's the entrance to the tenement.

Into the back green, into the wash house and sure enough,

there's a big mound of earth,

but there's a bum sticking out of it.

LAUGHTER

He says, "Is that her?" And he says, "Aye!"

He says, "What did you leave her bum sticking out for?"

He says, "I need somewhere to park my bike!"

LAUGHTER

Connolly enjoys it, he gets carried away with it so much himself,

but I can remember the excitement that he had for the joke was so infectious,

that I think the whole nation must have been laughing at that point.

LAUGHTER

To this day, it remains one of the best known punch lines

in the history of British comedy

and was the joke that not only made us laugh

but sent Billy Connolly's career into orbit.

There were certain television shows that could change your life,

not your career, your life.

'Connolly's appearance on Parkinson is part of showbiz legend,'

that one appearance and that one moment with the bum joke,

like, made him.

It literally got over to the United States.

People would say there's this funny comedian in England,

and he tells this joke about parking your bike in your wife's ass joke.

And everyone in those days just went, "What?!"

It's kind of illustrated what a brilliant storyteller he was

and for so many reasons, he's got a Masters in joke telling

and I don't think there's anyone to touch him really.

You know the middle class ladies come in and say,

"Now, William, sit down and put your hands behind your back."

You'd sit all day like that, you know,

and they say, "Your writing's bad!"

I say, "My hands are behind my back!"

LAUGHTER

'He's an inspiration for every comic.'

I've seen Michal McIntyre and Eddie Izzard saying that Billy Connolly

is still a massive influence on them, so I'm grateful.

'To me it was just a new way of hearing a joke being told and done.'

I was so full of admiration and I remember the next day

or whenever it was, a couple of days later, at school telling the joke

very loudly in class

and being overheard by a teacher who gave me a detention.

My own personal favourite comedy moment is French and Saunders

dressed up as the two fat, dirty, old men

watching Miss World and I very rarely actually laugh out loud

when I'm watching telly but I was laughing until I cried watching that.

'And now the ten finalists,

'Miss Paraguay.'

Oh, here she comes!

-'Miss Finland.'

-Here she comes, this is my one.

20 to 1 on her, Miss Finland.

She's stacked! Begging for it, she is!

She's begging me for it!

'They kind of captured down to every detail

'that completely arrogant bloke,'

you know, the sort of bloke that thinks, "Oh, you know,

"there's a gorgeous 20-year-old woman, I could have her."

There's the one there, see, Miss Brazil. That's my girl. There you go, girl!

I'd give her fulfilment, eh. I'd give her what for.

'Everything contributes to it, the make-up is brilliant'

and they've got, like, wispy hair

that they sort of have got over their heads, just gruesome.

And for French and Saunders to get their own back on those guys,

I think an awful lot of women in the country went, "Yes!"

It's women who want to ban this.

Well, it's not FOR them, that's what I say.

-It's not just about bodies anyway.

-No, no, it's their minds, isn't it?

Minds, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're lovely girls.

'No-one had ever taken the mickey out of those dirty old men,'

you know, like, "Oh, yeah, come past darling, yeah."

You know what I mean?

No-one had ever done that cos it was such a male thing.

Men had sort of got away with it.

It's the "Uh, oh, uh-uh-uh." And all that.

-I could give her one. Oh! Give her ten.

-Come on!

It just makes you laugh out loud.

It's so original, so brilliant, so fearless, so on the button.

'You know when you see a comedian do a certain thing,'

and you go, "THAT'S why you were meant to be a comedian."

Those girls wouldn't stand a chance if they came round here, would they?

Nah, she looks like she goes like a bunny.

'It had a real impact at the time,'

we hadn't really seen women playing men before

and then you add that to all the history

of, basically, Benny Hill and women in Monty Python sort of running around in their bra and knickers,

and just sort of being the girl. It was just payback time in a way.

They didn't miss a trick, they had newspapers in front of them,

they had beers, they were slobbery, I mean EVERYTHING. It was perfect.

Perfect!

I laughed a lot cos I remember them bring excellent at what they do,

but there's a safe element to it that just seemed shattered when

Dawn French steps up and really dry humps the front of the TV screen.

It was really graphic and really funny.

All right, Miss Brazil.

'What I love about French and Saunders is that they don't care

'how gruesome they look for the sake of a laugh,'

and I think that's a brilliant thing for women comics to have.

Cos a lot of women are kind of scared of going that extra mile.

Come round here, they wouldn't stand a chance! I'd be...

'I'm also very envious cos I wish it was something I'd thought of and done.'

I just think it's great.

Before I started doing stand-up,

I went to work in a little stand-up comedy club

and I just did the lights

and the sound and I sort of greeted the comedians

and things like that and made sure they were happy, put the chairs out.

It was only a little comedy club in a room above a pub.

And one day he came down to try out some new material

and I've never been so excited in my life.

And I welcomed him and I got to hold his coat

while he was on stage and I thought, "This is as good as it gets."

'To this day, 15 years later, it was one of the best hour and a halves of my life.'

Absolutely mind blowing.

And I learnt French at school up to the age of 16

and then I just kept talking it endlessly after that.

And at school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things

which are difficult to get into a conversation.

Things like, "The mouse is underneath the table."

"La souris est sous la table."

Just slip that in when you're buying a ticket to Paris.

It was in this routine that Eddie showcased his most loved,

surreal masterpiece in French.

'He did the thing about learning French

and he spins this fabulous routine out of this kind of universal

groping towards a second language

that we've all gone through at various stages.

It's just genius to watch.

The other line was, "The cat is on the chair."

"Le chat est sur la chaise."

Slightly more easy to fit in. And, "The monkey is on the branch."

"La singe est sur la branche."

Very difficult to get into a conversation.

Not a lot of jungle in France.

It just starts with a bog-standard observational comedy thing,

like when you learn French in school, you know, you learn phrases

that aren't much use to you, like, "The monkey's in the tree."

And most observational comedians would probably just have

a couple of lines about how pointless that was. Not Izzard.

We go and get hotel rooms for the night, "Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?"

"Oui, nous avez les chambres. Nous sommes un hotel!"

LAUGHTER

"OK, je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit."

A grand lit, a large bed.

"Avec un vue de la mer." View of the sea.

'He's in a hotel telling the hotelier there's a monkey in the tree'

and the hotelier is looking out the window and saying,

"Where is the monkey? Is the monkey in the room?"

The conversation is a French grammar lesson.

"Et le singe est sur la branche."

"Quoi?

"Il y a un singe sur la branche?

"Le chat, le souris... Ou est le singe?"

"Le singe est sur la branche."

"Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?"

"Non!"

Is the monkey in the bedroom? No, the monkey is in the tree!

In your mind, you've got the monkey, he's outside.

You've got the hotelier, you've got Eddie and it's just Eddie on stage.

But you can see all of this different stuff.

It's like he's got a projector and put it through his brain and it splattered it all over the stage.

"Le singe n'est pas dans la chambre! Michelle est dans la chambre.

"Avec la President de Burundi."

LAUGHTER

In the end, the only way I could get that line into a conversation,

was I had to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and chair,

and wander round heavily wooded areas. "Come on, keep up.

"Someone's coming! Someone's coming!

"Quick, positions. Les positions, maintenant.

"Bulo! Bulo! Tout suite. Tout suite. Vas-y. Vas-y."

He's going, "Quick, everyone in position, there's somebody coming."

You're thinking, "This is crazy!" You've brought the person in, in your own imagination,

but now, you, as the other person, as you, Eddie Izzard, is now feeling the urgency

to get everyone in position, even though you control when he comes in!

"Mais la souris est sous la table."

LAUGHTER

Le chat est sur la chaise. Et le singe est su...

Est...

Le singe est disparu.

And in Izzard's imagination, and only in Izzard's imagination,

could the monkey then start doing things that would try and mess with Eddie's head.

He was a cheeky monkey.

And he knew my French wasn't good so he'd go off and do things.

"Ah, le singe est la-bas, maintenant, regardez,

"il est sur une bicyclette.

"Il joue au banjo. Et fume une pip.

"Maintenant, il arrete, il lit son journaux, oui, ici...

"Et maintenant il est dans l'autobus. Dans l'autobus.

"Il conduit l'autobus!

"Et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus!"

'I mean, Christ, the more I think about it, the more incredible it is.'

And the more it makes me think, "I definitely should give up,

"immediately, as soon as I leave this room."

"Et Keanu Reeves, la, il arrive dans la voiture.

"Il as pas de cheveux."

'It's such a good twist that the monkey's run away.'

It is what makes it a great piece of comedy rather than just someone

saying some stuff that happened.

Just to be able to take to an English speaking audience

a routine in French about learning French, that took some skill.

That's what makes him a master at what he does and sort of puts him

head and shoulders above a lot of other comedians.

You have balls, to wear a dress, but you've got balls.

I have never seen anything like it in my life.

You are taking an audience and making them laugh...in French?!

Hey, that's great.

"Regards, il essaie a se jette dans l'autobus.

"Et Dennis Hopper, oh, Dennis Hopper, quel mechant!"

Doing a routine in French is just showing off, though,

isn't it, really. Let's face it.

'He makes me seem so lazy.'

sometimes I don't even do it in English, my act,

do you know what I mean.

Oh, I'm dead jealous.

I have dreamed a European dream, I dreamt that every country in Europe

spoke a different language and they hated each other!

Oh, that's true, isn't it? Yes!

It's all kind of come full circle,

in a way, because about a week ago, I was asked to do a festival

and the bill was going to be me, Eddie Izzard and somebody else.

And I can't say yes, I can't accept that gig and I cannot take equal billing with Eddie Izzard.

If I went there, I would be more than happy

to just hold his coat again,

That could be the gig, it could be Eddie Izzard with me, just out the way in the wings, holding his coat.

I'd be happy with that.

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Comedy's a strange thing, you know. People say what do comics have at the end of a career?

Just the memories of forgotten laughter

and there are funny men and men who say funny things.

But the greatest stand-up comic of his day without doubt was Max Miller.

I saw him at the Met, Edgware Road and I was about 19

and he was the cheeky milkman, the car salesman.

I know what you're saying, "Why is he dressed like that?"

I'll tell you why - I've just come from a wedding

and a very sad wedding and when I say sad I mean sad.

A poor old man of 80 married a young girl of 18

and you can't get anything sadder than that can you?

He was the pure gold of the music hall

influenced so many comics that we've all loved today.

The grand-daddy of all stand-up comedians was Max Miller.

He was a great personality,

it was a twinkle in his eye, it was his rapport,

his communication with the audience.

He was really a great persona.

I remember him well because when my dad was getting ready to go out

on a Sunday lunch time he would always play these Max Miller albums

and I suppose it was my real introduction to stand-up comedy.

And I sort of knew they were a bit saucy but his ability to

hold an audience and that speed which he told the stories was fantastic.

Brighton-born cheeky chappy Max Miller was master of the double entendre

and best known for his saucy quips.

He had two books and he's go on with a little mild gag -

he wasn't always dirty, it was the suggestiveness.

And he'd go, "How do you want it - out the white or the blue?"

All the audience would yell, "The blue, Max! Give us the blue!"

Oh, no I can't here because he's listening.

I've just come back from me holidays and I always have a wonderful time

because I haven't got one of those wives who says where have you been?

How much have you spent? Who have you been with?

She comes with me!

You know he would sort of toy with the audience, look away as if he was

being told to calm it down and he'd be very much like now listen, listen!

I went to Blackpool and I went round looking for rooms

and I knocked on the door and the old lady came to the door.

A little bit and some more and not quite so much then perhaps!

And that's all I want - just a little encouragement.

The audience would lean forward thinking there was a stage manager

there was no-one there it was all a myth in this thing he did.

She said, "What do you want?! I said, "Could you accommodate me?" She said, "I'm full up."

I said, "Surely you could squeeze me in?"

She said, "I could but I haven't got time now!"

Max's legacy to the comedy world included a joke that was said

to be so shocking at the time that he was banned from the BBC.

At one point in the BBC you couldn't say knickers.

Underpants was even more vile - if you want to see me in mine.

Oh! No, thanks!

The crudeness of his joke against the back drop of a far primer era

made it the stuff of legend and a favourite joke for many

but some doubt its very existence.

They said he did this gag which would not have been allowed

on the radio anyway they'd have cut him off

and it was all a load of rhubarb - he never did the gag at all.

I won't do the gag. It would be rude by comparisons today.

The joke wasn't recorded

but that hasn't stopped it becoming a firm favourite.

Apparently Max Miller was in a theatre and there was some

people in from royalty and it was one of those nights and he pulled to one

side by the theatre manager and said tonight Maxy don't push it, you know.

Keep it clean because you know who's in.

And he's like fair enough and he went out

and he did the one about he was walking along a cliff top on a rather

narrow walkway and a beautiful girl came towards him

and he was in two minds

he didn't know whether to block her passageway or toss himself off.

And apparently he came off and the bloke pulled him to one side

and said you will never work in this theatre again."

And he sort of said, "Oh, you're about a million pound too late."

Max Miller would not tell a joke like that.

Max Miller wasn't a dirty comic. Spicy.

He was a great comic and the grandfather of all stand-ups.

OK?

# Isn't grand to see someone smile?

# A smile is a thing that makes life worthwhile. #

Whether is told the joke or not Max Miller's legacy lives on.

I've got lots of Max Miller on my iPod which feels a bit wrong,

feels like I should be listening to it on a gramophone

in a living room with a glass of port.

But I have my iPod on shuffle and every now and again

there'll be music and then suddenly, "'Ere now listen, see..."

Then there was the wedding breakfast. They had a cake

six feet high and on the cake it said everyone can take a piece home.

Well, you know me I took two pieces!

A blond and a brunette!

My favourite thing recorded by Max Miller is the laughs

cos they're such naughty...

Proper bawdy middle aged women laughs like my auntie

just whooping at rude jokes.

I think it was Alfred Marks who said a wonderful thing when Max Miller

had died, he said variety died 20 years ago

but it was buried today.

Goodbye now and have a happy, happy smile!

I've just had some bad news.

Tomorrow it's the mother in-law's funeral.

And she's cancelled it.

He did them the best, nobody did mother in-law jokes

like Les Dawson. Bob Monkhouse did a few,

but Les Dawson was the king of mother in-law jokes.

I heard a knock at the door,

I knew it was the wife's mother because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps!

His funniest one was a fella said to me

I hear your mother in-law just died,

do you want her embalmed or cremated?

I said take no chances, give her the lot!

The wife said, "How would you like to speak to mummy?"

I said, "Through a spiritualist."

The mother in-law fell down a wishing well,

I didn't even know those things worked.

He's got so many of them.

I kept getting this hideous re-occurrent nightmare

that I was in an old sports car.

The wife's mother had her foot on me throttle!

The mother in-law, she slept like a log,

she had her head in the fireplace.

From the other bedroom came the sound of the mother in-law

playing a record of Hitler's speeches.

He would do a mother in-law joke but boy, was it a good one!

When she was ill I said to the wife I said, "Don't worry about your mother,

"if she's at death's door I'll pull her through!"

The things he'd say about his wife!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the wife's ugly

but last Christmas she stood under the mistletoe waiting for someone to kiss her

and she was still there at Lent!

It was not harsh stuff, it was not women are all idiots,

it was like, you know, the wife sleeps with her mouth open

and it's like looking into a bucket, you know.

But it's the use of language.

As usual she was snoring with all rhythmic grace of a gastric bullock!

You're like, I've never heard a gastric bullock

but I know exactly what that means.

He's the comedian's comedian, you can't imagine anyone not liking him,

he's funny to look at,

he's clever, he's got a funny face, he's talented, he plays the piano.

HE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES

I remember me Nan going,

"Oh, he can't play that piano,

"oh, he's awful,"

and I'm saying, "You're missing the point!"

You have to be that good to play the piano that you can mess it up as he did

but I mean he had me in bits with the tit shrug and the...

Just the very thought of him makes you smile.

Oh, God, what a funny man.

I said to me mother, "Doesn't Dad use the rhythm method?"

And she said, "Yes, he goes to bed with a fiddle!"

I just love the misery of Les Dawson whatever his life

was like off stage creates this persona of someone so depressed

with his lot and he just looks like he just hates everything so much.

My parents were determined that I should carry on the family tradition of music,

and for over seven years I sweated over the piano stool

and things got better they brought me a piano.

He was really clever,

he loved language. I mean, he spoke seven languages.

You see this bloke and you think, well, he's a son of a brick layer

and he's just so learned and he's got that voice like gravel,

but he talks and uses words like Stephen Fry.

I laid there in me trundled bed

in a bemused stupor,

and I gazed around at the familiar things...

the rotting floorboards...

'My comedy hero is Les Dawson'

without a shadow of doubt.

# Feelings... #

You know, you remember his piano playing

his mother in-law gags,

but he had a good voice. He's like a real baritone.

He sung a brilliant piece on his show, I think it was on Sez Les,

and he's singing Feelings.

He does like a...

# Feelings nothing more than feelings... #

# Tear drops

# They're rolling down on my face!

# Trying to forget... #

And then the middle bit

when he goes....

# Feelings, nothing but... #

And he goes for it.

TUNELESSLY: # Feelings!

# Whoa whoa whoa, feelings! #

The moment he comes on it's the funniest...

How he keeps a straight face I don't know,

cos I laugh when people are laughing.

He manages to get through a full song with it and it's genius!

# Feelings!

# Whoa whoa whoa, feelings!

# Whoa whoa whoa

# Here in my heart! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd