Episode 1 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, humorous pop quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks

is back for a brand-new series. Due to unforeseen circumstances, none of last year's hosts were good enough.

Please welcome yet another guest host, I'm afraid.

It's pop sensation Mark Ronson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm pop sensation and international heartthrob Mark Ronson.

Look, I'm just reading what's on the autocue.

I really only had one demand for tonight - that no-one, under any circumstances, makes fun of my hair.

I'm serious. Let's get on with the show. Phill's team.

# He's a drummer boy...#

A woman who is regularly watched by millions of devoted viewers...

..on Sky Plus after X Factor's finished, it's Alesha Dixon.

APPLAUSE

And she's a singer who dreams of the day when

her name doesn't have to be followed by the phrase "from The Saturdays".

It's Mollie, you know, from The Saturdays.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team.

# I needed a change... #

He's one of Britain's foremost young musical talents.

The fact I've never worked with him must be an admin oversight. It's Tinie Tempah.

APPLAUSE

This next fellow studied Maths at Oxford, and now he's a comedian.

Here to further disappoint his parents, it's Paul Foot.

APPLAUSE

So, we begin with Sorry, No Refunds.

Noel's team, have a look at this.

He's wafer-thin, splashed all over the gossip magazines

and occasionally he does a bit of singing.

It's Pete Doherty, you know, from The Saturdays.

# It's the last thing that you'll ever see... #

That was Babyshambles with The Blinding. But why did Pete Doherty cancel a 2008 festival in Belgium?

Was it a) he was being sexually threatened by Belgium's Princess Maria Laura,

b) he wanted to attend the birth of his pregnant cat's kittens,

or c) he got lost on a Tintin tour of Bruges?

Have you ever got lost in a Tintin tour, Mark,

or been thought of to be Tintin and then got trapped in there,

having to provide Tintin-based Entertainment?

That's rich coming from Snowy!

This is not Tintin.

I went into the hairdresser and said, "Give me the Dame Judi Dench." This is Judi Dench all the way.

That looks good, actually. When I dyed my hair blond, I looked like Myra Hindley.

LAUGHTER

PHILL: I said to the barber,

"I'd like my hair like Noel, my partner on Never Mind The Buzzcocks."

He said, "You'll have the Victorian convict and you'll like it!"

When I go to the hairdresser, I have no say. He just said he'd modelled it on my personality.

Has he got a Spaniel?

Don't you think he kind of looks like he's been run over by a little 16-year-old on a 125 moped?

Who thought this tie was a ramp!

Is Tinie Tantrum your real name that you have?

-Tinie Tempah.

-Tinie Tempah.

-You're supposed to be on my team.

There is another name you could have - instead of Tinie Tempah, Mild Sexual Assault.

It's really...

Not aggravated, only mild!

The mildest you can get, so you can barely prove it.

Have you explained to everyone, Noel, that you chose me to be in your team

and yet I don't know any music, post sort of 1953?

-He's from the past!

-I just thought that they would find that out pretty quickly.

As soon as you opened your mouth.

Doherty. I know you mentioned cats, which is quite interesting,

because I was at a party once in Courtney Love's hotel room.

He knocked on the door, and we opened the door and Pete Doherty was there

with a top hat full of kittens. True story.

On his head?

That would have been good if he'd...!

His hair's made of live kittens.

What a visual, though - a top hat full of kittens.

His dealer sold it to him and said it was meow meow.

It's the only real joke you'll get out of me the whole series.

Tinie, you've got a new album coming out, right?

-Yeah.

-You said you want people to listen to your new album, and it's not all about chart singles.

You want some people to have some Tinie time when they listen to your album. What is Tinie time?

-A little bit of time with Tinie!

-Does it sound like this?

MUSIC: "Pass Out" by Tinie Tempah

Yeah, that's Tinie time.

That's Tinie time.

-Are we going to do that for the whole show? My PRS cheque will be crazy!

-Yes!

I haven't got an album coming out, but I am hoping to update my website in two or three months.

-We should do an album together.

-The three of you, for sure.

We made a Boosh album, I don't know when it's coming out.

I can't wait for that. I'm a huge fan of the Boosh.

-You said you would remix Captain Cabinet.

-Yes.

-Will you?

I'll still do it. It's a seven-second song

called Captain Cabinet from the first episode of the Boosh.

It's a complicated song. It goes,

# Captain Cabinet, strapped in cabinets

# Will he get out? Can he get out?

# Course he will

# Captain Cabinet

-# Will he get out? Can he get out? #

-Of course he will.

My dream, my life's dream, to sing Captain Cabinet with Noel Fielding.

It's been realised. I can go home now!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-OK, so you want to guess some Dohertyness?

-We know he likes kittens.

He brought a top hat full of kittens.

OK, so b) he wanted to attend the birth of his pregnant cat's kittens. You are right. The answer is b).

APPLAUSE

Yeah. What a team!

Doherty cancelled the lucrative gig so he could be there when his pregnant cat gave birth,

or to do it another way, he was having some meow meow delivered.

I didn't know you were going to do that. I didn't know.

-It was staring you in the face.

-But you're the host, they'll use yours, not mine.

-I don't know.

They'll put the laughter from yours onto that.

That's one point for Noel's team.

APPLAUSE

So, Alesha and Mollie, here's yours.

# Try to find the words to describe this girl... #

He's one of the richest men in hip-hop, earning 21 million a year.

Big deal - Tinie Tempah's job at B&Q gets him £7 an hour and all the topsoil he can carry! It's Akon.

# Trying to find the words to describe this girl

# Without being disrespectful

# Damn, girl, she's a sexy chick... #

That was David Guetta featuring Akon, with Sexy Chick.

But why did Akon have to cancel a tour to Sri Lanka earlier this year?

Was it a) he was accused of desecrating a statue of Buddha,

b) he was refused a visa as he shares the name of Sri Lanka's foremost jewel thief,

or c) he received death threats after saying he thought the Tamil Tigers invented Frosties?

Theeeeey're deadly!

The beginning of every single Akon song, except this one,

I think, which I am pleased about, it starts off with...

# Convict! #

And it's like, we know you're a convict, now get over it.

It's like us starting off...

# Girl band! #

It's like, it's over now.

NOEL: It's quite a weird thing to boast about.

Exactly!

# I've been done for fraud! #

# Loner, a bit awkward at parties! #

LAUGHTER

# I didn't write this song! #

Have you met Akon?

-I've met him, yeah.

-What he's like?

-He's a little bit of a diva.

-Are you a bit of a diva?

No! Don't girls always get accused of being divas? I find it's the men.

It's always the men!

Alesha, it says here you once hitched a ride back from Cannes in Chris Martin's jet. Is that true?

-Yes.

-But, do you know you only had to pay £20 for an easyJet ticket

and then you don't have to sit next to Chris Martin? No-one told you that?

You were in his jet?

-Yeah, offering me sushi.

-Really?

-Oh, what a gentleman.

Is that a showbiz kind of euphemism?

You know when you land in planes, they go, "Do you want a boiled sweet? Because your ears will pop."

He goes, "Anyone want sushi?" What a dick.

APPLAUSE

We were on tour supporting Jay-Z, and I got to go on his private jet. We were flying around.

It was from Cardiff to London, so it took 12 minutes. The plane took off,

I decided to go and be like, "So, when you made..." "Buckle your seatbelts, we're landing."

I went back to just being a stalker.

Mollie, do you girls get diva-ish in The Saturdays? You're a pretty big pop group and all that, right?

Everyone thinks there's definitely diva activity, but there's just not.

-They're all so sweet.

-There can't be. One of them has to be a nightmare, on the law of averages.

Girls are generally nightmares.

-That's a given.

-Tell me about it!

-That's a given, but the band, all of them are so sweet.

-You're on a girls' team!

I know, I feel like I've had me old fella cut off!

Alesha, what's the most ridiculous thing you've ever demanded at a show?

Ginger beer.

'Say what?!'

That is from your new single. And so is this.

# I think I need a better drummer. #

You did put out a song because you needed a better drummer, right?

Did you think of putting...?

-It's a metaphor.

-Putting an ad out in the back pages of the NME? It might have been cheaper.

You've got to give me an answer, I've got to go Noel's team.

Answer. OK. Let's go with a).

He desecrated Buddha.

You are right.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The answer is a). Akon was refused a visa after one of his videos caused rioting for featuring

a bikini-clad dancer wiggling her bottom at a statue of Buddha.

After signing her to his label, Akon is said to be the man behind Lady Gaga's rise to fame.

I've actually got the minutes to their first meeting here.

He said, "Ditch the cock, put a phone on your head."

At the end of that round,

Noel's team has one point, Phill's team has one point.

APPLAUSE

Next up, it's the Intros Round. Noel and Tinie, here are yours for Paul.

So, you're going to do a modern melody for my delectation. That I will then guess.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's better! I can hear things! I've been in my own world!

LAUGHTER

Before we do this, can I just say some of these are really, really hard?

Also, I got a bit of a bollocking from Tinie for being rubbish.

Tinie Tempah actually got cross with you?

I got well told off. He went, "It's not a joke."

"Do it properly." I went, "I'm doing my best!"

One, two, three four.

# Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam

# Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam... #

See what I mean?! I'm terrified to sing!

You had the bassline.

# Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam... #

-It was brilliant, Tinie, let me tell you.

-Let's do it together.

-I'll do it with you.

-After three.

-Get into the music.

One, two, three.

ALL: # Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam... #

-No.

-Yeah, I know.

I'll be a bystander, really getting into it.

You know when you dance with a dog at a wedding? Look!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I'm going to guess, because it's obviously a modern band,

so it would have a name like...The Peppers.

It's the popular song by The Peppers - You Never Let Me Go, Baby.

APPLAUSE

Amazingly, completely wrong. Phill, would you like to have a guess?

It's was so obvious. Baby, You Never Let Me Go, by The Peppers.

Amazingly, you are both wrong.

The song is called Still Dre by Dr Dre, and here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Still Dre" by Dr Dre

# Representing for the gangs all across the world... #

-And you never got it right once.

-No.

What a beat.

Is he supposed to do that bit?

In fairness, it's not dissimilar to some of The Peppers' later work.

Do you want to try another song, maybe?

Definitely.

I know that Paul knows absolutely nothing about modern musical culture.

I think you should play the tune in, let them dance to it and then see if he knows what it is.

It would be the first time.

Shall we play a song in?

Can you all cover your ears?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

"Call now, they're nodding! Phone our lines if you want sex right now!

"Seriously. Bargain-basement dating."

-Do you know it?

-It's Just Shove Off, You Stupid Tart...

..by Garter Noose.

-Phill's team, do you know what it is?

-Don't know what it is.

Does anyone know anything about music?

Not really. It's not that kind of show.

We're all Pepper-blind now, thanks to you!

It was the Friendly Fires with Skeleton Boy.

The drummer from Friendly Fires was injured recently in an altercation with the Brazilian Police.

I'm not surprised, they are a particularly vicious tribute band.

Phill and Mollie, here are yours for Alesha.

I can't see Mollie!

You know I love you!

-Phill's leading this one.

-One, two, three, four.

# Gah, gah, gah

# Dah

# Bom-bom

# Boom-boom boom-boom boom-boom

# Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam

# Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam... #

I'm not having them back!

-Anyone know what it is?

-Of course they do.

-Yeah, we do.

-Paul Foot knows.

Go ahead, Paul Foot.

Rage Against The Machine, Killing In The Name Of.

Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against The Machine

I thought we did that one quite well.

Yes, we did that one really well.

You were really good. I'm terrible. So sorry.

-Do you want to have a go at your second number?

-I think we should.

One, two, three.

# Na-na-na-nah-na

# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na... #

I know the tune, but who sings it?

-I know the song, I know the song.

-Apparently not!

No, I do, I know the beat, but I can't picture the lyrics.

Picture the lyrics now.

"Na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na.

"Na-na-na-na."

Is it Hotstepper? # Here comes the hotstepper... #

It's Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze.

There's a point for you, and here's what it should have sounded like.

# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

# Say what?! #

Remix!

# Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

# I think I need a better drummer... #

That was Ini Kamoze with Here Comes The Hotstepper.

The hook from Here Comes The Hotstepper was borrowed from a Wilson Pickett song.

I can't stand these people stealing tunes from other people!

Those bloody Zutons and their time machine!

LAUGHTER

And at the end of that round, it's Noel's team, two points, Phill's team, two points.

APPLAUSE

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Phill, Alesha and Mollie, what about some Irish folk music?

For the audience only, here is Foster and Allen.

# I love to ramble down the old boreen

# When the hawthorn blossoms are in bloom

# And to sit by the gate on that old mossy seat

# Whispering to Kate Muldoon... #

That was Foster and Allen

with The Old Boreen, but which of our line-up is Mick Foster?

Is it number one, Mick Foster?

Number two, foster child?

Number three, Foster's lager?

Number four, Foster, Foster, Pussycat?

Or number five, foster a deep sense of resentment?

I quite like the look of number one.

-In what sense?

-It's not about who you want to date!

-Number one. Likes the look of you.

-He's kept his moustache in good condition.

He might be used to having done that while he was in the limelight.

I've seen a video. The guy you're looking for basically looks like an Irish Richard Gere.

That would be number two, then, wouldn't it?

Easy there!

Number five's got that Irish glow about him.

-In what sense?

-Had a few Guinnesses...

-That is racist!

-You cannot say that!

-All right!

-You might as well say you are looking for someone with sick in their beard.

"I've got lots of Irish friends!"

My stepmum's Irish.

What about number three, though?

I'm scared of number three!

-He's actually...

-Not sure about number three.

-He's doing a bank job in Beckenham in the morning.

-"I need to be fresh as a daisy!"

-What about number one?

-Mario.

-OK.

Number one is all about collecting the gold coins and plumbing, I'm telling you right now.

-It's definitely number five.

-It's not.

-It's four.

-Let's find out. Would the real Mick Foster step forward?

-Yes!

Well done!

Still touring and recording with Foster and Allen, Mick Foster, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Noel, Paul and Tinie, how about some manufactured '90s pop?

For the audience only, here's Steps.

# I forgive and forget if you say you'll never go

# Cos it's true what they say

# It's better the devil you know

# Oh, oh... #

That was Steps with Better The Devil You Know. But which one of our line-up is Lee Latchford-Evans?

Is it number one, Steps?

Number two, Steptoe And Son?

Number three, Stepford wife?

Number four, Step-ticemia?

Or number five, stepfather used to touch him?

What do you think?

What I'm noticing... Oh, yes, hello.

What I'm noticing, I don't think it's number two, because he hasn't got the show-business stand.

Show us the show-business stand.

It's more, you always want the foot slightly like that, to the side.

That's the show-business look. And the others have got it, to an extent.

You need to pat them down. See who's got the dancer's body.

Yes, OK.

Looks can be deceiving.

Before Paul walks across, note the showbiz walk!

APPLAUSE

That tie is almost wider than your body. You know that?

By the way, I think it could be number one. He's very disciplined.

Even when I go all weird with him.

Like, all unusual!

He has been trained not to laugh and to be highly professional.

I think it could be number one.

Number two, oh...

I don't think it is number two, because the feel when I touched you like that,

it was more like the feel of a lonely businessman in Telford.

Number three looks happy, like he might be getting a few royalties.

Might just be sitting there, just waiting, for the envelope to fall through the front door, while

other people have to work night in, night out!

APPLAUSE

It could be number three.

It's like watching a heron in a grey jacket.

He knows who it is. You might have to come back to the chair!

APPLAUSE

-I think, actually, it's number one.

-Right.

Number one.

Number one. All right.

Let's find out. Would the real Lee Latchford-Evans step forward?

APPLAUSE

A point for Noel and his team.

He's the founder of Famously Fit Magazine, it's Lee Latchford-Evans,

ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Well, what about the others? We learnt nothing of them!

LAUGHTER

And at the end of that round, it is still a deadlock. Noel with three points, Phill with three points.

APPLAUSE

So, we end with Next Lines.

It's a draw, so Noel's team, you go first, and your time starts now.

"New York."

"Concrete jungle where dreams are made of."

Alicia Keys, Jay-Z. "I want to be a part of it."

This is the actual song?

"I want to be a part of it, New York, New York."

Frank Sinatra, New York, New York. I cannot believe you got one.

APPLAUSE

That is unbelievable. "Ride my bike."

"Because I'm frigid."

LAUGHTER

"Until I get home." Mark Ronson, Business International.

"I really love your tiger feet."

"Not so keen on your iguana ears."

"Your tiger feet, your tiger feet."

"I've been to Southampton."

"But I've never been to Scunthorpe."

Tinie Tempah, Pass Out. "This baby's got a temper."

-"This baby's tiny."

-"You'll never tame her." Prodigy.

"She's got an itsy bitsy teenie weenie..."

"Yellow polka dot bikini."

"Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny vagina."

LAUGHTER

Miniature.

It has to be!

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

Phill, Mollie, Alesha.

-You need eight points to win.

-Oh, no.

-Your time starts now.

"We built this city."

"We built this city on rock 'n roll."

Starship. "I need a better drummer."

"A better drummer. Boy, I need..."

-"I need a better drummer."

-'Say what?!'

-"Say what?!"

-Very nice.

Alesha Dixon, Drummer Boy. "I played my drum for him."

-That's not my song.

-I know. Not all of them are going to be yours.

-"I played my drum for him."

-No.

Christmas? "Pa-rup-pa-pum-pum."

"A newborn king to see."

-"Pa-rup-pa-pa-pum."

-The Harry Simeone Chorale, Little Drummer Boy.

"I miss hurting you till you cry."

-Mollie.

-Oh, yeah. That's mine.

"I miss watching you." Yeah.

-A bit more, please.

-"As you try!"

The Saturdays. "Saturday night at the movies."

"What a fun night."

"Who cares what picture you see?" The Saturdays.

"Sunday, Monday, happy days."

"Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days."

The Saturdays, Happy Days.

"Monday, you can fall apart."

"Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart."

The Saturdays, Friday I'm In Love. "Tell me why."

-"I don't like Mondays."

-The Saturdays, I Don't Like Mondays.

We have some hits, haven't we?!

A lot. You don't have to write them to have a hit with them.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

-The final score is, Noel's team, 10 points, Phill's team, 11.

-Yes! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Phill, Alesha and Mollie, Noel, Tinie and Paul.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I've been thoroughly entertaining and should probably be the de-facto host.

Again, I'm just reading what they wrote on the prompter. I'm Mark Ronson. Thank you for tuning in.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]