Episode 2 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello and welcome to the show. My name is Catherine Tate.

When they asked me to do this show, I thought, "I don't know anything about music.

"But then, that kitchen extension won't pay for itself."

On Noel's team tonight...

It's one third of chart toppers N-Dubz.

She's no Dappy - and that's exactly why we've booked her.

It's Tulisa from N-Dubz.

We were desperate for a guest. Luckily we knew a bloke who said he could deliver in half an hour

even if he has been cut with other guests! It's Howard Marks.

And on Phill's team...

# Too many miracles... #

..a singer/songwriter famous for wearing a hat, but that's not all there is to him,

he's got a beard, too!

It's Badly Drawn Boy.

She's the star of hit comedy show The King is Dead,

the best thing on BBC3 since that screen that says, "BBC3 is not available between one and seven."

It's Katy Wix!

So we begin with Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

Noel, Tulisa and Howard, have a look at this.

# No, I couldn't live without you #

Simon Cowell's greatest success since turning his hair into a geometrically perfect cube.

Nobody sings a bit too quiet and then a bit too loud like she does.

It's Leona Lewis!

# Gonna smile cos I deserve to #

That was Leona Lewis with Better in Time.

But what injury caused her to delay the recording of her second album?

Was it a) she was head-butted by a horse,

b) a swan broke both her arms,

or c) she damaged her back running away from a grumpy kestrel?

-"A grumpy kestrel"?

-A grumpy kestrel!

-Excuse me being uneducated, but what is a kestrel?

-It's like a hawk.

-It's also a lager.

-Lager? See, that's more my level.

A reference you might get.

-A grumpy lager.

-She was running away from a grumpy lager.

Can we have a look at that, cos there was a horse in the video.

Let's have a quick look.

There we go.

See that horse's body language?

That horse is going, "Get me out of this video! It's the worst music ever!

"I don't care how many carrots you give me."

You can lead a horse to a pop video, but you can't make it like it!

-Howard's got this brilliant fact about horses.

-Yeah,

they don't recognise themselves in the mirror.

Howard, did a horse tell you this?

-How has somebody proved that phenomena?

-By sticking a horse in front of a mirror again and again

and seeing if it recognises it.

Howard, when the horse looks in the mirror and goes, "Brrr"...

It means it fancies itself.

-What are you talking about?

-Horses!

-Horses can't recognise themselves in the mirror.

-Is that where you're at?

-But they can in the back of spoons.

-Really?

When they're making tea, they think, "There's a small horse there! ..Oh, it's me!"

-Are we saying other animals can?

-Chimps can.

-They can?

-Chimps can.

Occasionally,

when I'm hung over, I see myself in Iceland's window and go, "Who's that idiot?

"Oh, it's me!"

But you could train a chimp to look in a mirror and say, "That's me."

But you wouldn't necessarily believe it. Someone might have trained it.

But you can't train a horse to do that.

But we tried all last night!

When I knew Howard was coming on the show,

the idea that we're here and we're chatting about Howard and the word horse has come up,

and it is actually about horses! I'm surprised about that.

Howard has had in your life about 69 aliases?

-43.

-43.

-One of them was Albi.

-Yes.

When I read it, I thought it said alibi, but it's Albi.

It was an anagram of that, and also an anagram of bail which I skipped.

Oh, clever!

While we're on this, could I turn the subject to me?

-Course!

-The name Badly Drawn Boy, which I know is stupid,

but my brother worked out one day that an anagram of it is "why draw Bob Dylan".

Do you answer to the name of Badly?

-I love it. I'm like a horse looking in a mirror.

-Recognising yourself.

Tulisa, you've got an alias. You're TT.

Sometimes.

TT's been working. She hasn't been to bed for 24 hours.

No, I've been awake for 24 hours.

TT hasn't been to bed for 24 hours, Howard Marks and me.

I'm vague at the best of times!

Team Fuzzy!

We've got no chance!

You're lucky we're facing the right way!

You've got 72 hours of no sleep, you three there.

If it all goes well for me, this is what I could look like!

Have you got a clue what this is?

I'm hoping it was all of them.

I'm hoping she was at the zoo and they went, "Let's kick the shit out of her!"

Is Leona Lewis the new Coldplay? Is that what it is?

She's not as good as that!

I don't hate her. It's what was coming out of her mouth was giving me a panic attack!

You could change that.

This is my favourite show already!

You don't even know what a kestrel is!

The thing is, all of those answers please me in some way. So I don't mind!

If any of those animals did that to her, I'd be quite happy!

For a really bland video, though, it's provoked a lengthy debate!

Pick a letter.

-Choose a letter.

-J.

Pick a letter between A to C.

-Let's say A.

-A.

-Yeah.

-She got head-butted by a horse?

-Yeah.

-You're right!

-Yes!

Amazing!

The answer is Leona delayed recording her album

after being head-butted by her horse

on an early-morning stroll.

It's not the worst thing that has happened to Leona Lewis. Last year,

she was punched in the Piccadilly Waterstone's. I've never heard them called that before!

Phill, Badly and Katy, take a look at this!

No-one's done more to make charity shop chic cool

since Maureen at Help the Aged introduced the Crazy Friday two-for-one cardigan giveaway!

It's Jarvis Cocker.

# In no great rush to join the rest of mankind

# There were further complications

# Further complications Oh, yeah #

That was Jarvis Cocker with Further Complications.

But how did he leave himself wheelchair-bound

for a series of Pulp gigs?

Did he a) fall out of a window pretending to be Spiderman,

break his shinbone by being run over by Daley Thompson,

or c) damage his back running away from a grumpy kestrel?

It looks a bit like a Gap advert.

Or maybe they meant to put an expensive backdrop in afterwards and then forgot!

He's like, "Where are the pyramids you promised me?"

-Have you heard that joke?

-I love it that you've got a joke.

This guy says, "This granddad, he's about 96. They call him Spiderman."

I said, "Why?" "Because he can't get out the bath!"

Oh, my God. We've got something for you. Howard has another fact.

A dog can smell if a spider's in the room.

Amazing!

-Do spiders make an echoing sound or something?

-No, no.

No, this is just the stink of a spider which we can't detect

but a sniffer dog, which I know about, they can.

I love the fact that dogs can smell spiders. Spiders, you don't imagine them to have B.O.

-You don't go, "Oh, that spider reeks!"

-There's not enough room for B.O. to cling.

Little thin legs.

Maybe they carry round mini Sure deodorants for their arms!

Am I on the right show?

So he's either fallen out of a window pretending to be Superman,

this is how he ends up wheelchair-bound.

Spiderman. Don't confuse us! Cos we're already in Animal Magic Land!

Oh, it was Superman that was in the wheelchair.

AUDIENCE GROANS

That's your evil minds that have done that.

Oh, God, yeah, and a horse did that as well!

-I'm going to press you for an answer, Phill.

-Thank you.

-I'll come and press you for an answer.

-He fell out the window.

Do you know what, you are right!

The answer is A. Jarvis was left wheelchair-bound

having fallen out of a window pretending to be Spiderman

while trying to impress a girl.

Single and embarrassed, he spent the next few weeks resting in bed

covering himself in a sticky web-like substance.

Jarvis recently recorded an album of sounds from the countryside for the National Trust.

It was largely the sounds of horse colliding with Leona Lewis's face.

At the end of that round, Noel's team have got one and Phill's team have one.

APPLAUSE

Next, the intros round. Noel and Lisa, here are yours for Howard.

-Ready?

-OK.

-One, two, three.

# Dum-chik-a-jing Bah-doo-da-de-doo-dah

# Dum-chik-a-doo Doo-doo-dah-doo

# Bah-bah-bah-bow

# Bah-bah-bah-bow #

What the hell are you doing?

You're kidding me!

This is the best I've ever been, you idiot!

Is it a cover version?

LAUGHTER

No, this is the original!

-I know it.

-You know it?

-I know it, yeah.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-They all sound the same whenever anyone does that.

It all sounds to me like "chik-a-boom".

Or something like that.

-Can you go bigger?

-Bigger?

A bit more rocky.

As if it's not embarrassing enough? Right.

One, two, three, four.

# Doo-chik-a-ching Ka-jing jing ja-da jing

# Doo-chik-a-ching Ka-jing jing ja-da jing

# La-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la!

Any ideas, Howard? Surely that helped?

No.

I'm going to throw it over.

-Is it not The Buzzcocks?

-Yes!

-Ever Fallen In Love?

-Yes!

-I got that from the "Da-dah-dah-dah" bit. The first bit was rubbish.

Here's how it should have sounded.

THE BUZZCOCKS: EVER FALLEN IN LOVE

# La-la-la-la! #

# You spurn my natural emotions

# You make me feel like dirt #

-Uh...

-Catherine, what's happened? Are you having a breakdown?

I've lost a card with all the N-Dubz slag on it.

Slang!

Sorry! I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry!

I don't mean that!

That's coming down, now!

Like the urban kestrel that it is!

Oh, it's here! Look, it's here!

Now, N-Dubz slang. At the back of your album, you've got a glossary

that tells you what your slang is.

I'm not as involved as the boys, but I'm getting your drift.

So if I were to ask you what an end to a conversation is

in N-Dubz slang, what would it be?

-Nana.

-Nana? No, Tulisa.

-It's not me, it's them two nutters.

-Nana is hi or bye.

-If you were saying hi or bye to your nana, you'd say, "Nana, Nana."

-Nana.

-I like it.

-Catherine, you have to understand, Tulisa is basically their care worker.

How do you say, "Are you serious, for real", like that makes sense anyway!

Are you seri for really?

-Are you seri for really?

-Can you say, "Am I bothered?" at the end?

-Am I bothered?

-Yeah!

-You should say, "Am I seri for really?"

-Am I seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

-But am I bothered?

-Get out of the classroom, Catherine!

APPLAUSE

-Next intro, please.

-This is mainly you, so you've got to get yourself together.

TULISA SETS BASS BEAT

# Woppa-woppa-woppa bow bow

# Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

# Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

# Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow bow-wow... #

REPEATS CHORDS

Yeah, that's good.

-What you do think, Howard?

-I thought they did it brilliantly.

-Any ideas?

-No.

-No. OK. I'll throw it over to Phill.

-We don't know.

-You don't know?!

-It's Kasabian.

-Oh!

With Underdog. Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO TO UNDERDOG

That was Kasabian with Underdog.

Tom from Kasabian criticised Justin Timberlake,

calling him "a midget with whiskers who's trying to be black."

Justin replied, "What you talking about, Kasabian?"

We also heard Buzzcocks with Ever Fallen In Love?

Buzzcocks famously formed after responding to adverts

in the back of the NME.

Similarly, Tulisa found Dappy and Fazer after sitting in the dentist's waiting room

and flipping through an old copy of What Twat magazine.

Phill and Badly, here are yours for Katy.

Thank you, Catherine. Right, what are we doing?

One, two, one, two, three, four.

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum

# Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum

I'm getting something.

# Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah

# Ugh! #

That was lovely.

I don't know any songs that... One, two, three, four was you, not part of the song?

Yes, that was just me.

And you're definitely doing it right?

It's not me.

On a song called the Monkees - no, it's a band called the Monkees,

they've got a song and he counts them in. He goes, "One, two, three, four,

"seven." Oh, shut up!"

-Lust For Life!

-What?!

-Just got it. Is it Lust For Life?

-No.

-Why not?

-Oh, this?

-Yes!

Oh!

-Yes, this!

-Sorry, I thought you meant...

I'm not commenting on your anecdote! I'm trying to gain a point in my life!

It's not, no. God, rubbish guests!

Well, if it's not Lust For Life, then...

-Barry Manilow?

-I think we know what it is.

-Do you?

-I think it's Jet.

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

Yes, that's what it says. Hooray!

Here's how it should sound.

MUSIC PLAYS

That's like Phil Collins. Is it?

-# You can't hurry love #

-No, you just have to wait

Lust For Life!

# One, two, three, take my hand and come with me... #

Next intro, please.

OK. So you start it, good and bold and loud.

-#

-Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo

# Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah... #

It sounds like Wigfield! I know that's not it, I'm just saying it sounds like it.

It's one of those modern summery songs, isn't it?

-Worth expanding on!

-Yes, what do you do in the summer?

All sorts! What don't you do?

Badly Drawn Boy, that's you, Badly.

-Do you not like X Factor?

-That's a bit of a curveball!

I know.

-I'm interested in...

-Do you like vanilla slices?

Fair enough!

She knows it.

-Is it...

-Is it-oh?

-Is it-oh.

-Tell me now.

All right, then.

Is it Dizzee Rascal, Holiday?

APPLAUSE

And here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO TO HOLIDAY

In 2008, Dizzee Rascal appeared with Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight

in one of the most awkward moments in TV history.

It could have been worse. Kirsty Wark was blacking up backstage in case Dizzee couldn't make it.

We also heard Jet with Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

In 2009, Jet's frontman Nic Cester collapsed in London's Hard Rock Cafe.

I'm not surprised - £15 for a burger?!

Round Three is the identity parade, my favourite bit.

Noel, Tulisa and Howard, how about some '80s pop?

For the audience only, here is Fairground Attraction.

# It's got to be

# Perfect

# It's got to be

# Worth it

# Too many people

# Take second best

# But I won't take anything less

# It's got to be

# Yeah

# Perfect. #

That was Fairground Attraction with Perfect.

But which of our line-up is drummer Roy Dodds?

Is it number one? Perfect.

Number two, not so perfect.

Number three - reduced to clear.

Number four - shop soiled.

Or number five - fire damaged.

Howard, you must have been in a few identity parades!

Howard...

-Yes?

-You're actually... They're making a film about you.

-Yeah. They've finished it.

-They've finished it? How cool is that?

-You're being played by Rhys Ifans.

-Yes.

And you said, "It's great to be played by someone younger, taller and better-looking."

Otherwise there's no point!

I heard a funny story that when you went to see Rhys Ifans

that you knocked on the door and he was dressed as a wizard!

I know the story you mean. When we were actually doing the filming,

Rhys and I spent the night just getting caned.

That doesn't sound like Rhys!

The next morning, I walked past Rhys's hotel room

and there he was with a wizard's hat on and this sort of...

I thought, "Fucking hell. They've got this wrong."

I said, "Rhys, I never wore anything like that!"

But they were auditioning for the Harry Potter thing!

Is anyone grabbing you?

-Not yet!

-I...

Howard doesn't want to pick anyone cos technically, it's grassing!

-I'm going with number two or number four.

-Number two looks like a drummer.

-Just say a number.

-Howard's saying two. Let's go for two.

Let's find out. Would the real Roy Dodds please step forward.

I told you! You didn't listen to me!

Now producing, gigging and recording, Roy Dodds.

So, Phill, Badly and Katy,

what about some home-grown British reggae?

For the audience only, here is Tippa Irie.

# Cutie, cutie, make sure you move your booty

# Shake that thing like we in the city of sin

# Hey, Shorty, I know you wanna party

# The way your body look it make me really feel naughty

# Cutie cutie, make sure you move your booty

# Shake that thing like in the city of sin

# Hey, Shorty, I know you wanna party

# The way your body look it make me really feel naughty. #

That was Tippa Irie with The Black Eyed Peas, Hey Mama.

But which of our line-up is Tippa Irie?

Is it number one - Hey, Mama!

Number two - Mamma Mia!

Number three - mummified!

Number four - Mama told me not to come!

Or number five - Mama's gone to Iceland.

Because it's a nice holiday destination.

I know!

I haven't got a clue, but I think they should form a band!

They all look really familiar.

I know that's not a help, but they do!

They look really familiar, all of them.

Can anything be gleaned from length of zip being done up?

Number four appears to be the coldest.

He wouldn't want to come on here and wear his hat on top of his...

Why not? What are you saying?

-What are you saying?

-I know I look silly, but...

I think number two.

Number two has not made eye contact with anyone.

That's why I think it's him.

Oh, he's looking at me now!

Hello!

Ooh, and again!

Winking now, is it, sir?

He's got the jaded look of success.

We'll go with our lady instinct.

Lady instinct of Katy Wix. Let's find out.

Would the real Tippa Irie please step forward?

Oh, look!

And he winked at me!

With a brand new album out under Tippa Irie and Far East Band

it's Tippa Irie, ladies and gentlemen.

So we end with Next Lines. I do like this bit.

Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first. Oh, it's so exciting.

And your time starts now.

-I'd like to be under the sea.

-In an octopus's garden.

-Yes.

-Howard got that.

-The Beatles. Thanks, Howard.

Yup yup, rabbit, yup yup yup, rabbit, rabbit.

-Rabbit, rabbit. Chas and Dave.

-Yes. You and me and the guy from Sparks.

-One of you.

-Hanging round with Howard Marks.

-Yes. Super Furry Animals.

-Ha-ha I can give you that. Ha-ha.

-The Pirate Song.

-That's Wouldn't You.

Yes, it is. What's the next line, though?

-#

-Wouldn't you, wouldn't you like to have me to yourself, to yourself.

-#

-It's yours.

A-a-a-oh.

A-a-a-oh.

N-Dubz. One of the blinking two albums-worth of material. Which one?

This is like Bill and Ben the flowerpot men.

-It's like Morse Code!

-It's all just sounds.

Duh-duh-duh-dah-de-dah. Oh, no! I know it!

I can't say it without singing it. It goes, Duh-duh-duh-dah-de-dah.

Duh-duh-duh-da-dah.

Hawaii Five-O.

BUZZER

Phill's team, you need about 25 points to win

-cos they're definitely doing it.

-Fingers crossed!

Your time starts now. Knowing me, knowing you.

-A-ha.

-There is nothing we can do. ABBA.

-I chance a foolish grin.

-And dribbled on my chin. One of mine.

-Yes, Badly Drawn Boy.

-The way you wear your hat.

-The way you sip your tea.

Yes, Fred Astaire. Baby, take off your shoes.

-But you can leave your hat on.

-Yes, Randy Newman.

Always look on the bright side of life.

WHISTLES

De-dum, de-dum, is what it says on the card. Monty Python.

-If you're happy and you know it.

-Clap your hands.

-Do it. It's a nursery rhyme. If you're happy and you know it.

-Clap your hands.

-If you're happy and you know it.

-And you really want to show it.

-If you're happy and you know it.

-Clap your hands.

BUZZER

The final scores. Noel's team have ten.

Phill's team have got 11.

Thanks to Noel, Tulisa and Howard, Phill, Badly and Katy.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd