Episode 2 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 2

Pop quiz. Team captains Phill Jupitus and Noel Fielding are joined by guests Howard Marks, Badly Drawn Boy, Katy Wix and Tulisa Contostavlos, while Catherine Tate presents.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello and welcome to the show. My name is Catherine Tate.

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When they asked me to do this show, I thought, "I don't know anything about music.

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"But then, that kitchen extension won't pay for itself."

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On Noel's team tonight...

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It's one third of chart toppers N-Dubz.

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She's no Dappy - and that's exactly why we've booked her.

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It's Tulisa from N-Dubz.

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We were desperate for a guest. Luckily we knew a bloke who said he could deliver in half an hour

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even if he has been cut with other guests! It's Howard Marks.

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And on Phill's team...

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# Too many miracles... #

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..a singer/songwriter famous for wearing a hat, but that's not all there is to him,

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he's got a beard, too!

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It's Badly Drawn Boy.

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She's the star of hit comedy show The King is Dead,

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the best thing on BBC3 since that screen that says, "BBC3 is not available between one and seven."

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It's Katy Wix!

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So we begin with Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

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Noel, Tulisa and Howard, have a look at this.

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# No, I couldn't live without you #

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Simon Cowell's greatest success since turning his hair into a geometrically perfect cube.

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Nobody sings a bit too quiet and then a bit too loud like she does.

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It's Leona Lewis!

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# Gonna smile cos I deserve to #

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That was Leona Lewis with Better in Time.

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But what injury caused her to delay the recording of her second album?

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Was it a) she was head-butted by a horse,

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b) a swan broke both her arms,

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or c) she damaged her back running away from a grumpy kestrel?

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-"A grumpy kestrel"?

-A grumpy kestrel!

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-Excuse me being uneducated, but what is a kestrel?

-It's like a hawk.

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-It's also a lager.

-Lager? See, that's more my level.

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A reference you might get.

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-A grumpy lager.

-She was running away from a grumpy lager.

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Can we have a look at that, cos there was a horse in the video.

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Let's have a quick look.

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There we go.

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See that horse's body language?

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That horse is going, "Get me out of this video! It's the worst music ever!

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"I don't care how many carrots you give me."

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You can lead a horse to a pop video, but you can't make it like it!

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-Howard's got this brilliant fact about horses.

-Yeah,

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they don't recognise themselves in the mirror.

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Howard, did a horse tell you this?

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-How has somebody proved that phenomena?

-By sticking a horse in front of a mirror again and again

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and seeing if it recognises it.

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Howard, when the horse looks in the mirror and goes, "Brrr"...

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It means it fancies itself.

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-What are you talking about?

-Horses!

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-Horses can't recognise themselves in the mirror.

-Is that where you're at?

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-But they can in the back of spoons.

-Really?

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When they're making tea, they think, "There's a small horse there! ..Oh, it's me!"

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-Are we saying other animals can?

-Chimps can.

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-They can?

-Chimps can.

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Occasionally,

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when I'm hung over, I see myself in Iceland's window and go, "Who's that idiot?

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"Oh, it's me!"

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But you could train a chimp to look in a mirror and say, "That's me."

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But you wouldn't necessarily believe it. Someone might have trained it.

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But you can't train a horse to do that.

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But we tried all last night!

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When I knew Howard was coming on the show,

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the idea that we're here and we're chatting about Howard and the word horse has come up,

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and it is actually about horses! I'm surprised about that.

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Howard has had in your life about 69 aliases?

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-43.

-43.

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-One of them was Albi.

-Yes.

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When I read it, I thought it said alibi, but it's Albi.

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It was an anagram of that, and also an anagram of bail which I skipped.

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Oh, clever!

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While we're on this, could I turn the subject to me?

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-Course!

-The name Badly Drawn Boy, which I know is stupid,

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but my brother worked out one day that an anagram of it is "why draw Bob Dylan".

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Do you answer to the name of Badly?

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-I love it. I'm like a horse looking in a mirror.

-Recognising yourself.

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Tulisa, you've got an alias. You're TT.

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Sometimes.

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TT's been working. She hasn't been to bed for 24 hours.

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No, I've been awake for 24 hours.

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TT hasn't been to bed for 24 hours, Howard Marks and me.

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I'm vague at the best of times!

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Team Fuzzy!

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We've got no chance!

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You're lucky we're facing the right way!

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You've got 72 hours of no sleep, you three there.

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If it all goes well for me, this is what I could look like!

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Have you got a clue what this is?

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I'm hoping it was all of them.

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I'm hoping she was at the zoo and they went, "Let's kick the shit out of her!"

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Is Leona Lewis the new Coldplay? Is that what it is?

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She's not as good as that!

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I don't hate her. It's what was coming out of her mouth was giving me a panic attack!

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You could change that.

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This is my favourite show already!

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You don't even know what a kestrel is!

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The thing is, all of those answers please me in some way. So I don't mind!

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If any of those animals did that to her, I'd be quite happy!

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For a really bland video, though, it's provoked a lengthy debate!

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Pick a letter.

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-Choose a letter.

-J.

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Pick a letter between A to C.

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-Let's say A.

-A.

-Yeah.

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-She got head-butted by a horse?

-Yeah.

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-You're right!

-Yes!

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Amazing!

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The answer is Leona delayed recording her album

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after being head-butted by her horse

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on an early-morning stroll.

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It's not the worst thing that has happened to Leona Lewis. Last year,

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she was punched in the Piccadilly Waterstone's. I've never heard them called that before!

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Phill, Badly and Katy, take a look at this!

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No-one's done more to make charity shop chic cool

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since Maureen at Help the Aged introduced the Crazy Friday two-for-one cardigan giveaway!

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It's Jarvis Cocker.

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# In no great rush to join the rest of mankind

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# There were further complications

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# Further complications Oh, yeah #

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That was Jarvis Cocker with Further Complications.

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But how did he leave himself wheelchair-bound

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for a series of Pulp gigs?

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Did he a) fall out of a window pretending to be Spiderman,

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break his shinbone by being run over by Daley Thompson,

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or c) damage his back running away from a grumpy kestrel?

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It looks a bit like a Gap advert.

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Or maybe they meant to put an expensive backdrop in afterwards and then forgot!

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He's like, "Where are the pyramids you promised me?"

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-Have you heard that joke?

-I love it that you've got a joke.

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This guy says, "This granddad, he's about 96. They call him Spiderman."

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I said, "Why?" "Because he can't get out the bath!"

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Oh, my God. We've got something for you. Howard has another fact.

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A dog can smell if a spider's in the room.

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Amazing!

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-Do spiders make an echoing sound or something?

-No, no.

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No, this is just the stink of a spider which we can't detect

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but a sniffer dog, which I know about, they can.

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I love the fact that dogs can smell spiders. Spiders, you don't imagine them to have B.O.

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-You don't go, "Oh, that spider reeks!"

-There's not enough room for B.O. to cling.

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Little thin legs.

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Maybe they carry round mini Sure deodorants for their arms!

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Am I on the right show?

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So he's either fallen out of a window pretending to be Superman,

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this is how he ends up wheelchair-bound.

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Spiderman. Don't confuse us! Cos we're already in Animal Magic Land!

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Oh, it was Superman that was in the wheelchair.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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That's your evil minds that have done that.

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Oh, God, yeah, and a horse did that as well!

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-I'm going to press you for an answer, Phill.

-Thank you.

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-I'll come and press you for an answer.

-He fell out the window.

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Do you know what, you are right!

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The answer is A. Jarvis was left wheelchair-bound

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having fallen out of a window pretending to be Spiderman

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while trying to impress a girl.

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Single and embarrassed, he spent the next few weeks resting in bed

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covering himself in a sticky web-like substance.

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Jarvis recently recorded an album of sounds from the countryside for the National Trust.

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It was largely the sounds of horse colliding with Leona Lewis's face.

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At the end of that round, Noel's team have got one and Phill's team have one.

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APPLAUSE

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Next, the intros round. Noel and Lisa, here are yours for Howard.

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-Ready?

-OK.

-One, two, three.

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# Dum-chik-a-jing Bah-doo-da-de-doo-dah

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# Dum-chik-a-doo Doo-doo-dah-doo

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# Bah-bah-bah-bow

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# Bah-bah-bah-bow #

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What the hell are you doing?

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You're kidding me!

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This is the best I've ever been, you idiot!

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Is it a cover version?

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LAUGHTER

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No, this is the original!

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-I know it.

-You know it?

-I know it, yeah.

-Do you?

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-Yeah.

-They all sound the same whenever anyone does that.

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It all sounds to me like "chik-a-boom".

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Or something like that.

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-Can you go bigger?

-Bigger?

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A bit more rocky.

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As if it's not embarrassing enough? Right.

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One, two, three, four.

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# Doo-chik-a-ching Ka-jing jing ja-da jing

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# Doo-chik-a-ching Ka-jing jing ja-da jing

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# La-la-la-la

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# La-la-la-la!

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Any ideas, Howard? Surely that helped?

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No.

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I'm going to throw it over.

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-Is it not The Buzzcocks?

-Yes!

-Ever Fallen In Love?

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-Yes!

-I got that from the "Da-dah-dah-dah" bit. The first bit was rubbish.

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Here's how it should have sounded.

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THE BUZZCOCKS: EVER FALLEN IN LOVE

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# La-la-la-la! #

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# You spurn my natural emotions

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# You make me feel like dirt #

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-Uh...

-Catherine, what's happened? Are you having a breakdown?

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I've lost a card with all the N-Dubz slag on it.

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Slang!

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Sorry! I'm so sorry!

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I'm so sorry!

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I don't mean that!

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That's coming down, now!

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Like the urban kestrel that it is!

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Oh, it's here! Look, it's here!

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Now, N-Dubz slang. At the back of your album, you've got a glossary

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that tells you what your slang is.

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I'm not as involved as the boys, but I'm getting your drift.

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So if I were to ask you what an end to a conversation is

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in N-Dubz slang, what would it be?

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-Nana.

-Nana? No, Tulisa.

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-It's not me, it's them two nutters.

-Nana is hi or bye.

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-If you were saying hi or bye to your nana, you'd say, "Nana, Nana."

-Nana.

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-I like it.

-Catherine, you have to understand, Tulisa is basically their care worker.

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How do you say, "Are you serious, for real", like that makes sense anyway!

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Are you seri for really?

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-Are you seri for really?

-Can you say, "Am I bothered?" at the end?

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-Am I bothered?

-Yeah!

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-You should say, "Am I seri for really?"

-Am I seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

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-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

0:14:330:14:36

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

0:14:360:14:37

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

0:14:370:14:39

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

0:14:390:14:41

-Are you seri for really?

-Am I bothered?

-Are you seri for really?

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-But am I bothered?

-Get out of the classroom, Catherine!

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APPLAUSE

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-Next intro, please.

-This is mainly you, so you've got to get yourself together.

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TULISA SETS BASS BEAT

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# Woppa-woppa-woppa bow bow

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# Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

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# Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

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# Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow bow-wow... #

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REPEATS CHORDS

0:15:110:15:13

Yeah, that's good.

0:15:210:15:23

-What you do think, Howard?

-I thought they did it brilliantly.

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-Any ideas?

-No.

-No. OK. I'll throw it over to Phill.

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-We don't know.

-You don't know?!

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-It's Kasabian.

-Oh!

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With Underdog. Here's how it should have sounded.

0:15:420:15:46

INTRO TO UNDERDOG

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That was Kasabian with Underdog.

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Tom from Kasabian criticised Justin Timberlake,

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calling him "a midget with whiskers who's trying to be black."

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Justin replied, "What you talking about, Kasabian?"

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We also heard Buzzcocks with Ever Fallen In Love?

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Buzzcocks famously formed after responding to adverts

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in the back of the NME.

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Similarly, Tulisa found Dappy and Fazer after sitting in the dentist's waiting room

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and flipping through an old copy of What Twat magazine.

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Phill and Badly, here are yours for Katy.

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Thank you, Catherine. Right, what are we doing?

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One, two, one, two, three, four.

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# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

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# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

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# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

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# Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum

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# Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum

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I'm getting something.

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# Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah

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# Ugh! #

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That was lovely.

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I don't know any songs that... One, two, three, four was you, not part of the song?

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Yes, that was just me.

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And you're definitely doing it right?

0:17:100:17:13

It's not me.

0:17:130:17:14

On a song called the Monkees - no, it's a band called the Monkees,

0:17:140:17:18

they've got a song and he counts them in. He goes, "One, two, three, four,

0:17:180:17:24

"seven." Oh, shut up!"

0:17:240:17:26

-Lust For Life!

-What?!

-Just got it. Is it Lust For Life?

-No.

0:17:280:17:31

-Why not?

-Oh, this?

-Yes!

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Oh!

0:17:350:17:36

-Yes, this!

-Sorry, I thought you meant...

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I'm not commenting on your anecdote! I'm trying to gain a point in my life!

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It's not, no. God, rubbish guests!

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Well, if it's not Lust For Life, then...

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-Barry Manilow?

-I think we know what it is.

-Do you?

-I think it's Jet.

0:17:510:17:55

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

0:17:550:17:58

Yes, that's what it says. Hooray!

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Here's how it should sound.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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That's like Phil Collins. Is it?

0:18:100:18:12

-# You can't hurry love #

-No, you just have to wait

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Lust For Life!

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# One, two, three, take my hand and come with me... #

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Next intro, please.

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OK. So you start it, good and bold and loud.

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-#

-Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo

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# Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah... #

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It sounds like Wigfield! I know that's not it, I'm just saying it sounds like it.

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It's one of those modern summery songs, isn't it?

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-Worth expanding on!

-Yes, what do you do in the summer?

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All sorts! What don't you do?

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Badly Drawn Boy, that's you, Badly.

0:19:150:19:18

-Do you not like X Factor?

-That's a bit of a curveball!

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I know.

0:19:220:19:24

-I'm interested in...

-Do you like vanilla slices?

0:19:240:19:27

Fair enough!

0:19:320:19:34

She knows it.

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-Is it...

-Is it-oh?

0:19:370:19:39

-Is it-oh.

-Tell me now.

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All right, then.

0:19:400:19:42

Is it Dizzee Rascal, Holiday?

0:19:440:19:47

APPLAUSE

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And here is how it should have sounded.

0:19:520:19:55

INTRO TO HOLIDAY

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In 2008, Dizzee Rascal appeared with Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight

0:20:120:20:16

in one of the most awkward moments in TV history.

0:20:160:20:19

It could have been worse. Kirsty Wark was blacking up backstage in case Dizzee couldn't make it.

0:20:190:20:24

We also heard Jet with Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

0:20:240:20:27

In 2009, Jet's frontman Nic Cester collapsed in London's Hard Rock Cafe.

0:20:270:20:32

I'm not surprised - £15 for a burger?!

0:20:320:20:35

Round Three is the identity parade, my favourite bit.

0:20:360:20:40

Noel, Tulisa and Howard, how about some '80s pop?

0:20:400:20:43

For the audience only, here is Fairground Attraction.

0:20:430:20:47

# It's got to be

0:20:470:20:50

# Perfect

0:20:510:20:53

# It's got to be

0:20:530:20:57

# Worth it

0:20:580:21:00

# Too many people

0:21:000:21:02

# Take second best

0:21:020:21:04

# But I won't take anything less

0:21:040:21:08

# It's got to be

0:21:080:21:10

# Yeah

0:21:100:21:11

# Perfect. #

0:21:120:21:14

That was Fairground Attraction with Perfect.

0:21:140:21:18

But which of our line-up is drummer Roy Dodds?

0:21:180:21:22

Is it number one? Perfect.

0:21:220:21:24

Number two, not so perfect.

0:21:240:21:27

Number three - reduced to clear.

0:21:270:21:30

Number four - shop soiled.

0:21:310:21:33

Or number five - fire damaged.

0:21:340:21:36

Howard, you must have been in a few identity parades!

0:21:380:21:41

Howard...

0:21:420:21:44

-Yes?

-You're actually... They're making a film about you.

0:21:440:21:48

-Yeah. They've finished it.

-They've finished it? How cool is that?

0:21:480:21:52

-You're being played by Rhys Ifans.

-Yes.

0:21:520:21:54

And you said, "It's great to be played by someone younger, taller and better-looking."

0:21:540:22:00

Otherwise there's no point!

0:22:000:22:02

I heard a funny story that when you went to see Rhys Ifans

0:22:030:22:07

that you knocked on the door and he was dressed as a wizard!

0:22:070:22:11

I know the story you mean. When we were actually doing the filming,

0:22:110:22:15

Rhys and I spent the night just getting caned.

0:22:150:22:19

That doesn't sound like Rhys!

0:22:210:22:24

The next morning, I walked past Rhys's hotel room

0:22:250:22:28

and there he was with a wizard's hat on and this sort of...

0:22:280:22:33

I thought, "Fucking hell. They've got this wrong."

0:22:330:22:36

I said, "Rhys, I never wore anything like that!"

0:22:360:22:39

But they were auditioning for the Harry Potter thing!

0:22:390:22:43

Is anyone grabbing you?

0:22:460:22:49

-Not yet!

-I...

0:22:490:22:51

Howard doesn't want to pick anyone cos technically, it's grassing!

0:22:510:22:55

-I'm going with number two or number four.

-Number two looks like a drummer.

0:22:570:23:01

-Just say a number.

-Howard's saying two. Let's go for two.

0:23:010:23:05

Let's find out. Would the real Roy Dodds please step forward.

0:23:050:23:09

I told you! You didn't listen to me!

0:23:110:23:15

Now producing, gigging and recording, Roy Dodds.

0:23:170:23:21

So, Phill, Badly and Katy,

0:23:270:23:30

what about some home-grown British reggae?

0:23:300:23:32

For the audience only, here is Tippa Irie.

0:23:320:23:36

# Cutie, cutie, make sure you move your booty

0:23:370:23:40

# Shake that thing like we in the city of sin

0:23:400:23:42

# Hey, Shorty, I know you wanna party

0:23:420:23:45

# The way your body look it make me really feel naughty

0:23:450:23:47

# Cutie cutie, make sure you move your booty

0:23:470:23:49

# Shake that thing like in the city of sin

0:23:490:23:52

# Hey, Shorty, I know you wanna party

0:23:520:23:54

# The way your body look it make me really feel naughty. #

0:23:540:23:58

That was Tippa Irie with The Black Eyed Peas, Hey Mama.

0:23:580:24:01

But which of our line-up is Tippa Irie?

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Is it number one - Hey, Mama!

0:24:050:24:07

Number two - Mamma Mia!

0:24:070:24:09

Number three - mummified!

0:24:090:24:12

Number four - Mama told me not to come!

0:24:130:24:15

Or number five - Mama's gone to Iceland.

0:24:150:24:18

Because it's a nice holiday destination.

0:24:210:24:25

I know!

0:24:250:24:27

I haven't got a clue, but I think they should form a band!

0:24:270:24:31

They all look really familiar.

0:24:330:24:35

I know that's not a help, but they do!

0:24:350:24:38

They look really familiar, all of them.

0:24:380:24:41

Can anything be gleaned from length of zip being done up?

0:24:410:24:45

Number four appears to be the coldest.

0:24:460:24:48

He wouldn't want to come on here and wear his hat on top of his...

0:24:500:24:54

Why not? What are you saying?

0:24:540:24:57

-What are you saying?

-I know I look silly, but...

0:24:570:24:59

I think number two.

0:24:590:25:01

Number two has not made eye contact with anyone.

0:25:010:25:04

That's why I think it's him.

0:25:040:25:06

Oh, he's looking at me now!

0:25:060:25:08

Hello!

0:25:080:25:09

Ooh, and again!

0:25:100:25:13

Winking now, is it, sir?

0:25:130:25:15

He's got the jaded look of success.

0:25:150:25:18

We'll go with our lady instinct.

0:25:180:25:22

Lady instinct of Katy Wix. Let's find out.

0:25:220:25:25

Would the real Tippa Irie please step forward?

0:25:250:25:27

Oh, look!

0:25:290:25:31

And he winked at me!

0:25:320:25:35

With a brand new album out under Tippa Irie and Far East Band

0:25:370:25:40

it's Tippa Irie, ladies and gentlemen.

0:25:400:25:43

So we end with Next Lines. I do like this bit.

0:25:490:25:52

Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first. Oh, it's so exciting.

0:25:520:25:57

And your time starts now.

0:25:570:26:01

-I'd like to be under the sea.

-In an octopus's garden.

0:26:010:26:03

-Yes.

-Howard got that.

-The Beatles. Thanks, Howard.

0:26:030:26:07

Yup yup, rabbit, yup yup yup, rabbit, rabbit.

0:26:070:26:10

-Rabbit, rabbit. Chas and Dave.

-Yes. You and me and the guy from Sparks.

0:26:100:26:15

-One of you.

-Hanging round with Howard Marks.

-Yes. Super Furry Animals.

0:26:150:26:19

-Ha-ha I can give you that. Ha-ha.

-The Pirate Song.

-That's Wouldn't You.

0:26:190:26:23

Yes, it is. What's the next line, though?

0:26:230:26:25

-#

-Wouldn't you, wouldn't you like to have me to yourself, to yourself.

-#

-It's yours.

0:26:250:26:29

A-a-a-oh.

0:26:290:26:31

A-a-a-oh.

0:26:310:26:33

N-Dubz. One of the blinking two albums-worth of material. Which one?

0:26:330:26:37

This is like Bill and Ben the flowerpot men.

0:26:370:26:40

-It's like Morse Code!

-It's all just sounds.

0:26:400:26:42

Duh-duh-duh-dah-de-dah. Oh, no! I know it!

0:26:420:26:46

I can't say it without singing it. It goes, Duh-duh-duh-dah-de-dah.

0:26:460:26:49

Duh-duh-duh-da-dah.

0:26:490:26:51

Hawaii Five-O.

0:26:510:26:53

BUZZER

0:26:530:26:55

Phill's team, you need about 25 points to win

0:26:580:27:02

-cos they're definitely doing it.

-Fingers crossed!

0:27:020:27:05

Your time starts now. Knowing me, knowing you.

0:27:050:27:08

-A-ha.

-There is nothing we can do. ABBA.

0:27:080:27:11

-I chance a foolish grin.

-And dribbled on my chin. One of mine.

-Yes, Badly Drawn Boy.

0:27:110:27:16

-The way you wear your hat.

-The way you sip your tea.

0:27:160:27:19

Yes, Fred Astaire. Baby, take off your shoes.

0:27:190:27:22

-But you can leave your hat on.

-Yes, Randy Newman.

0:27:220:27:25

Always look on the bright side of life.

0:27:250:27:27

WHISTLES

0:27:270:27:29

De-dum, de-dum, is what it says on the card. Monty Python.

0:27:290:27:33

-If you're happy and you know it.

-Clap your hands.

0:27:330:27:36

-Do it. It's a nursery rhyme. If you're happy and you know it.

-Clap your hands.

0:27:360:27:41

-If you're happy and you know it.

-And you really want to show it.

0:27:410:27:44

-If you're happy and you know it.

-Clap your hands.

0:27:440:27:46

BUZZER

0:27:460:27:47

The final scores. Noel's team have ten.

0:27:540:27:57

Phill's team have got 11.

0:27:570:27:58

Thanks to Noel, Tulisa and Howard, Phill, Badly and Katy.

0:28:070:28:11

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Goodnight.

0:28:110:28:15

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:410:28:44

The anarchic, award-winning pop quiz returns with team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus. Guest presenter is Catherine Tate, with guests Howard Marks, Badly Drawn Boy, Katy Wix and Tulisa Contostavlos.


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