Episode 3 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the show.

I'm Jack Dee. I'm now a father of teenagers, but I won't let that dictate how I run the show tonight.

So let's all have some good fun, but keep it sensible.

On Noel's team...

# Say it ain't so

# I will not go... #

-..the greatest musical collaboration since Lennon met Chapman, it's Jedward.

-Hey, guys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She's got her own sketch show on ITV2, just after Jordan's show.

It's not the best slot, but it makes Alex Reid happy. It's Katy Brand.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight...

# See you with a broken string... #

..she's a shiny new pop starlet with a surname inspired by Justin Lee Collins' work diary.

It's Eliza Doolittle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Star of The Fast Show, here to appear on The Surprisingly Slow Show Until It's Been Brutally Edited,

it's Charlie Higson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we begin with Connections. Phill, Eliza and Charlie, have a look at this.

# You can get delirious If you take life... #

Interestingly, it hasn't been Chico Time since the clocks went forward - five years ago. It's Chico.

# You can get delirious If you take life too serious

# It's Chico time... #

-# Sexuality... #

-For any younger viewers wondering what war,

famine and injustice look like, here's the man that cured them all.

It's Billy Bragg.

# Your laws do not apply to me... #

That was Chico with Chico Time and Billy Bragg with Sexuality, but what connects them?

What connects Chico and Billy Bragg?

Well done, Phill, you've correctly understood the question.

Phill, you directed that video, didn't you?

Er, yes. I was just actually looking at the still of myself there,

seeing that actually, at the time, in the 1980s, I appeared to be a quite successful lesbian.

I have to say that you, Phill and Charlie, you look like a very gay couple trying to adopt a daughter.

But what do those lot look like?

I think this lot looks more like a production of Oliver,

styled by Vivienne Westwood.

This team is amazing.

Look how cool it looks, OK? Look at the... It's so cool.

Never in my life have I looked more like a paedophile.

I'm pretty sure I could get you in the back of my coffin.

With the right sweets.

I'm imagining Tutti Fruttis for you, and Jelly Tots for you.

-OK. We love Jelly Beans.

-Well, you've given it away now!

You aren't supposed to tell paedophiles what sweets you like.

When we were younger, we used to have this book on strangers, and it was a really, really scary book.

I was on the cover!

No, they had some really, really strange man with glasses.

-Did you learn from it? Did you find it useful?

-Yes.

It was scary, and I was scared from it.

Still worked with Louis Walsh, though, didn't you?

Can I draw everyone's attention to the fact that Charlie Higson appears to be Tweeting?

I am. I'm just updating my Twitter feed.

"I can't believe I'm on Buzzcocks with Jedward. It's going well."

Yeah, well...

-You're a big Tweeter, aren't you? You like to Twit. Tweet.

-Yeah. Our Twitter's @planetjedward.

John took a picture of me when I was, like, asleep in bed.

We Tweet the most random things. I woke up...

Can John finish the sentence before you start the next one, please?

It's like an auction!

"John Tweeted, then I Tweeted, then John Tweeted, then I..."

I've got a couple here, cos someone looked into the kind of things that you Tweet.

"Had nightmares. Now awake Tweeting and eating carrots."

Carrots are very nice.

Apparently, you also Tweeted, "It's so weird this morning.

-"Edward broke a

-bowel,

-and then the Coco Pops went everywhere."

I always have spelling mistakes, OK? And they're always, like, "Oh, my God, what are they trying to say?"

But then, our fans know that we're always, like, misspelling things.

Can I suggest something? Everyone shuts up now,

and we get on with the question that I asked half an hour ago?

-Chico is going to be...

-Oh, my God, I forgot about that.

Oh, nearly.

You guys are just...

Come on, persevere, persevere. You'll get something out.

OK, you broke my heart in pieces.

-Go on, Charlie. Yeah?

-Chico is in a very weird position...

-Shut up!

-Yeah.

-Is it political?

-Not really.

-Is Chico a communist?

-No, it's not. No, no, no. No.

-Is it something they used to do before they were singers?

-Jobs. Was it jobs?

-Did they share a career?

-Well, they had the same career.

-Pet grooming?

-Oh, very close.

-Police pathologist?

No, Charlie, no.

They were both goat herders at one point.

No, they weren't!

Well, I'm afraid they were.

The answer is they both worked as goat herders before they found fame,

although only one of them is absolutely certain to take it up again professionally.

Chico recently helped launch an anti-bullying campaign.

And if you've been affected by any of tonight's issues, here's the number.

And, guys, I've seen the autocue, so you might want to hang on to that.

Oh, yeah, cos, like... Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Noel, Jedward and Katie, would you have a look at this?

# All around the world... #

He shocked the music world by quitting rock to start a fashion line.

"There's a turn-up," he said, before also correctly identifying a pocket and a pair of trousers.

It's Liam Gallagher.

# All around the world... #

# ..moment like this... #

He always had a special place in his heart for his favourite twins.

Not Jedward, he means his actual tits. It's the thoroughly heterosexual Simon Cowell.

# And people search forever

# For that one special kiss... #

That, of course, was Simon Cowell. We also saw Oasis with All Around The World.

But what connects Simon Cowell with Liam Gallagher?

-OK, there's...

-I thought you might know.

There is actually so many different things.

-One will do.

-What do you think, Katy?

I'm slightly disturbed, cos whenever that music comes on

-with the sort of black and white montage of anyone, I suddenly find them quite attractive.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-Most footage of Hitler is in black and white.

-Well...

It's not something I want to... Yeah.

There's a lot of negativity going round right now, people comparing Simon Cowell to Hitler, OK?

I think he's pretty cool.

You see, it's lines out of context like that that gets everyone in trouble.

Exactly!

-I love that window into the way you're processing this show.

-I don't know what's going on.

Eliza Doolittle, now, you said that you would never go on X Factor. What's going on there?

Well, the only reason is cos I love writing, and as far as I know,

what you can see from what the people who do come off the show don't really...

-Can't write.

-..write music, or it doesn't seem like they write music.

-It seems like they just...

-No, fair enough. No, that's... Yeah. Yeah.

-We totally agree.

Do you?

Cos I think I've got a lot in common with you, cos you also list your likes

as "bubbles in my tummy, smiles and laughing".

That's me all over.

So, what do you reckon? What's the connection between Simon Cowell and Liam Gallagher?

Were they both goat herds?

-Probably, at some point.

-Well, they're both the same height.

-Who's going to win in a fight?

-Is it that they've both recovered from lupus?

-They both have cool hairstyles.

-What would you know?

-Did they both invent the Pritt Stick at the same time?

-No.

-I know, I know!

-"They're human beings"!

I actually know. They've both met the Queen.

They've both met the Queen. What?

-No, in actual fact they've both judged dog shows.

-Dog shows?

In Jedward's defence, that connection is not necessarily any better than some of the ones...

No, I agree, but it was there, and obviously, if you knew music like I do, you would have known that.

I went to a dog race before.

-You went to a dog race?

-You know the dog races, and you're, like...

I think me and him one time bet money on it, OK?

And we were below the age, OK?

But we still did it anyway. And then... What do you do?

The one that always goes to the...

I don't know. Yeah, before the race, kind of somehow always wins.

Well, it's been a super anecdote, but we have to move on.

The answer is they've both judged dog shows.

Liam sat on the Pup Idol panel at his local pub, while Cowell judged an RSPCA dog show in Brighton.

The RSPCA were delighted with the event, but a spokesman said

it was a shame Simon's prize-winning puppies had stayed under his sweater.

Cowell has promised to leave some of his fortune to a dogs' home.

His children won't be happy. Oh, wait, that's right, I forgot.

He'd love to have children,

but there's currently no time in his busy schedule to instinctively fancy women.

next up, it's the Intros round.

So, Phill and Eliza, here are yours for Charlie.

-There are your intros, please.

-Thank you very much.

-OK.

-Hang about. "It's the Intros round. Hooray."

Oh, OK. OK, go on, then.

# Diddle-iddle diddle-iddle diddle-iddle diddle-iddle...

# Diddle-iddle diddle-iddle diddle-iddle...

# Der-der-der!

# Diddle-iddle... #

"Eliza is making a strangely exciting noise.

"Am distracted."

# Dum-dum

# Dum, dum-dum, dum-dum

# Dum-dum-dum-dum... #

I have to admit, I've got the answer in front of me, and I do not know what they're doing.

I could listen to it for hours.

-It's very interesting.

-It goes on forever!

Piano'll go...

# Diddle-iddle diddle-iddle... #

That's the clue to the fingers there.

-Let her do the diddle-diddle-diddle.

-I'm happy to just do the fingers.

You guys got to work together. You need to focus, OK?

SHUT UP!

Eliza!

-I haven't the slightest idea what it is.

-I'll give you a clue.

Can I give you a clue? What would you do, Charlie Higson, for love?

What would you do?

I'd Do Anything (But I Wouldn't Do That). By Meat Loaf.

I Would Do Anything For Love. Yes, he got it. He did actually get it!

He did actually get that. Oh, yes. And here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

I have to say that we are very thrilled to have Charlie Higson here,

because I was going to mention his new book, which is an absolutely terrific read.

I know that a lot of people love it.

Oh, sorry. How did that happen?

Sorry. No, that's Charlie Higson's new book.

Let's go on with one more. Phill and Eliza, one more, please.

-All right?

-Mm-hm.

One, two, three, four...

# Dow na-na-na-na-na-na Now na-na-na-na

# Now na-na Now na-na

# Now na-now-na-na-na

# Dig-a-dow

# Na-na-na-na Dow-dow-dow-da-da

# Dun-der-der-der Dow-dow-dow da-dow

# Dun-der-der Dow-dow-dow-dow

# Dow-dow-dow-dung-dung

# Dow-dow-dow da-da! #

It's got some heavy guitars in it.

-Yeah.

-Mm, I like that. It was really rocking.

Yours sounded a bit like a mandolin. Is there a mandolin? Or was that a slightly weedy electric guitar?

That was just my version of an electric guitar!

-That's a tough one.

-It is a tough one.

-We know it.

-Probably more up your street, knowing what I know about you.

I think you probably would have had this.

Yes, it's the Sex Pistols.

Not Holidays in the Sun, is it? No.

-Oh, no, it's not. It's...

-We know it!

-God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.

It says in my notes that this is how it should have sounded,

but of course, what it should have sounded like is the national anthem.

This is God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.

INTRO PLAYS

Yeah!

We knew the song.

You didn't, but I did know the song.

# God save the Queen... #

So, we heard Meat Loaf with I Would Do Anything For Love.

Meat Loaf is part Cherokee Indian.

Interestingly, his Indian name is Running Back For Seconds.

And God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols.

Many have accused Johnny Rotten of selling out after his appearance in adverts for Country Life butter.

Jedward have never lost their credibility, and refuse to sell anything.

-Even records.

-Yes.

Although, to be fair, Jack, their album's the biggest-selling album this year.

-Was it?

-Yep.

-In Ireland!

-In Ireland.

And Papua New Guinea, so two big markets there.

Well done. Well done, guys. So, Noel and Jedward, here are yours for Katy. So here you go.

Oh, my God, it's shiny! Katy, are you ready?

-I think I'm ready, guys.

-All these songs have been made famous by Jedward.

If you do what we did in the room earlier, we can all have some Angel Delight later.

# Are you ready?

# Yes. #

All right, hang on. Concentrate. It's like a simpleton Bros.

One, two, three, go.

# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun

# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun

# Baow baow

# Dun dun dun diddle-oon dun Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun

# Baow baow

# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun

# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun. #

I'm in Jedward! Fuck you!

-Do I stop this?

-Please.

Jack, I think I know what it is.

Go on, Katy. What is it? Do tell.

-No, I know, I know.

-Remember...

SHUT UP!

Katy.

I think it's Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby).

It is, you've got correct point, absolutely accurate.

Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

Worst boy band ever.

Can we have the next song, please.

OK, moving on. OK, ready for this amazing performance, OK?

-You ready?

-Yeah.

OK, you ready?

Stop eating paper.

Katy's had an aneurism!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very important

that you send what you can to have Katy Brand freed from this quiz.

OK, we want to create the atmosphere, OK.

-You do it straight away.

-OK, let's do this, OK.

We're creating the atmosphere, OK? Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Wait. Hold up for a second.

I've got a gun, and I'm going to bust you.

Are you creating atmosphere in the way that the guy who ran into Columbine created an atmosphere?

# Do-do do-do-do do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do do-do

# Do-do do-do-do do-do... #

Ready, ready?

I can't get down that low, my trousers are too tight.

Hey, move over.

# Doo-doo, doo-doo... #

-Where's your little "diddle eh-oh eh-oh?"

-I got a bit excited. I'm on a desk.

-I think I know what it is.

-Please, Katy, do tell us.

I think it might be Ghostbusters.

It is Ghostbusters. It is, it is.

Well done, well done.

So rewarding to be able to watch people be able to perform and maintain their integrity.

-Here's how it should have sounded.

-We're in the wrong seats.

INTRO PLAYS

How can you tell?

-# Diddle eh-oh eh-oh

-Ghostbusters! #

If there's something strange in the neighbourhood.

# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood

# Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

# If there's something weird and it don't look good

# Who you going to call? #

Does anyone remember when I used to host sometimes Have I Got News For You?

So, that was Jedward with Ghostbusters.

Ghostbusters' original singer, Ray Parker Jr, has recently been seen on television advertising 118 118.

A chilling glimpse into the future, eh, boys?

And he was the ORIGINAL artist.

At the end of that round, and I use the term loosely,

Phill's team have two, and Noel's team also have two.

-Lots of slapping of hands over there.

-High-fives.

How about faces next?

Round three is the identity parade.

Phill, Eliza and Charlie, how about some early '90s novelty pop?

For the audience only, here is Pat and Mick.

# Everybody

# All you people gather round

# I'm going to use it up

# I'm gonna wear it out

# Ain't nothing else in this whole world I care about

# One, two, three Shake your body down. #

That was Pat and Mick with Use It Up And Wear It Out.

But which of our line-up is Mick Brown?

Is it number one, use it up and wear it out?

Number two, roll it up and throw it away.

Number three, take it back and ask for a refund.

Number four, never shop here again.

Or Pat Sharp?

-So it's not five.

-It's not five, we don't think.

-Right,

-OK.

-So have we got to work out which one isn't Pat Sharp?

No, no, Pat Sharp is five. Gentleman broadcaster.

We've got to find Mick.

I don't want to lay on the pressure, but I'd just like to say at this point, if it's relevant,

that I know exactly who it is.

I know who all five of them are, but I'm not going to say.

I know number four, cos I'm friends with him on Facebook.

I don't like to ask, and it seems a little impertinent, but have you poked him?

-With my fingers.

-Oh please, stop.

Didn't Pat Sharp use to have mad hair?

It was not mad! It was luxuriant, sir.

Beautiful. He looked like a Norse god.

-Are you going to make a guess?

-What?

-Are you going to make a guess?

It's a nice respite,

the longer this round goes on. I don't want to say anything, Jack.

I get your meaning, Phill, I get your drift.

-You keep it going, it's relaxing.

-We cannot be silenced.

-Ugh.

It's like the mother of two naughty children.

People knocking at the door, going, "Your kids are absolute dicks."

And I'm going, "They're good boys, really.

"When they're asleep. Look at them."

We actually are really good.

You have a delightful and alluring naivety,

but within the context of this quiz, you do make Dappy look like Stephen Fry.

That was a compliment. Are we going to have a guess?

-We're not having a guess. We know! It's number two.

-Number two.

Well, let's find out. Would the real Mick Brown please step forward?

Mick Brown.

Now hosting the drivetime show on southwest London's Radio Jackie,

it's Mick Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Noel and Jedward and Katy, how about some mid-'90s dance music? For the audience only, here is Pianoman.

# Girls who are boys

# Who like boys to be girls

# Who do boys like they're girls

# Who do girls like they're boys

# Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls

# Who do boys like they're girls

# Who do girls like they're boys. #

That was Pianoman with Blurred, but which of our line-up is James Sammon, also known as Pianoman?

Is it number one, James Salmon.

Number two, split kipper.

Number three, prawn balls.

Number four, little winkle.

Or Pat Sharpe?

Why are four of them bald and one of them has hair?

Because, John, one of them's Pat Sharp.

That's the joke of this round, that former DJ Pat Sharp...

I know, he's cool.

I know, but he's in both the line-ups, it's like a joke.

-I know, I was thinking... Oh, yeah.

-Thank you for explaining that, Katie.

I think if I had had to explain it, I would have been sick.

-Do you want to swap for a while?

-Yeah, why not?

Come on, little fella.

Come and sit with your Uncle Phillip.

I love you both, but you're bringing on a panic attack.

Really? Really?

I just wanted Phill to get the Jedward experience.

-Phill, do you know which one Pianoman is?

-No, but I know who Pat Sharp is, my friend.

I've got an idea. What about if Jedward joined the line-up?

Would that be a good idea? Who'd want to see that?

-You can have Pat Sharp on your team instead.

-Yes, yes!

CHEERING

Shall we go for it?

I don't want to.

Join the line-up. You saw what they did in the line-up.

Come on, Jedward, come with Daddy.

Stand next to each other.

Hold the five.

There's been another hostile takeover.

Pat Sharp, as befits a man of his stature, is now team captain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As befits a man of my stature, I have two seats.

It only took 14 years, but finally I'm comfortable.

Guys, you know what you need? You need sunglasses. Pat, may I?

Yeah, absolutely.

This is what we need, hang on.

This is going to work.

OK, Jackie.

-I'm going to break this in half, so you have half each.

-Jedward are pirates.

Can I just say, someone has just told me that Pat Sharp is blind, and I feel terribly bad.

-Katy, have you got any ideas?

-Shall we put it out there and just say, let's maybe go for number one.

Number one. Pat, are you happy with that?

I feel number one more than five, yeah.

-Let's find out. Would the real James Sammon please step forward?

-Check out the fingers.

It is!

APPLAUSE

Still works as a dance music producer, it's James Sammon, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks very much.

Thank you to Pat Sharp, our guest captain. And could everyone just return to their seats, please?

Thank you, Pat. Bring the boys back. Come on, guys.

Well done.

It's Next Lines time.

Noel's team over this side, it's you first. Everybody in love.

Put your hands up.

Nearly. Go on, put your hands up.

JLS, Everybody In Love.

God save the queen.

She ain't no human being.

Actually, no. The fascist regime. Sex Pistols.

What time is it?

-Chico time.

-Yeah, Chico time.

I don't care what the whisperers say.

They whisper too loud for me.

Eliza Doolittle, well done, you got it.

Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet.

-Oh wouldn't it be loverly.

-Oh wouldn't it be loverly.

-Eliza... You've made lots of songs.

-That's not mine.

Eliza Doolittle, it says. From My Fair Lady.

If you could walk with the animals, talk with the animals...

THEY LAUGH

-I don't know this.

-You should, this is Dr Dolittle, that's your dad.

He's actually my uncle. My uncle.

END OF ROUND BUZZER

Phill's now got nine points,

and Noel's team here on this side, I know it's confusing, have three points.

Which means, you need seven to win.

Who let the dogs out?

# Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who? #

Yes, I'll do that.

Stop, collaborate and listen.

# Stop, collaborate and listen Jedward's back... #

-Or Ice is back with a brand new adventure.

-Don't just sing the words I've read out.

Vanilla Ice, Ice Ice Baby.

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.

Inside voices.

You're my mum, you're my dad, and you're my uncle now.

I would like a blood test.

If there's something strange in your neighbourhood. Who you gonna call?

The Samaritans.

-It's Ghostbusters.

-Ghostbusters, it is.

Two little boys had two little toys.

-Each had a wooden horse.

-Correct, Rolf Harris.

Shut up, shut up, just shut up.

# Shut up, just shut up, shut up. #

In that case you're right to repeat what I read, it's the Black Eyed Peas.

It's-a not-a so bad, it's a nice-a place.

Shadappa your face.

Please shut up.

-Are you trying to tell us something?

-Yeah.

-Finally!

It's not a song, it actually says, "Please shut up."

END OF ROUND BUZZER

The final scores are that we knew that Phill's erstwhile team,

now Noel's team, with the lovely Eliza and Charlie Higson had nine points.

And at the end of that, Noel's old team,

Phill's new team, have 11 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Noel, Eliza and Charlie, Phill, Jedward and Katy.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

and I'll leave you with this thought.

No, that's what Stephen Fry does. Now, there's a show I DO watch. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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