Episode 4 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello and welcome to what they call a show.

I think you all know why I'm here.

I could have been on Strictly Come Dancing or on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here,

but I wanted to put myself through the most degenerating and debasing show of them all.

Let's play Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, on Phill's team tonight...

# The morning's on its way... #

He's an exceptionally nice man, he's served his country with distinction and written music adored by millions

but Buzzcock rules are Buzzcock rules, so here's a man only the public likes - James Blunt.

APPLAUSE

It's one of those new comedians with a strange name. I'll probably not understand a word the man says.

But I'll do the old avuncular smile and nod thing just to encourage the lad. It's Rufus Hound.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team...

# Oh, mayhem... #

She's young, she's Irish. She's trying to repair some of the musical damage caused by Jedward.

From Dublin's fair city, it's Molly Malone... No, Imelda May!

APPLAUSE

She's the only thing I listen to on Radio 1 these days.

Modelled herself on Tony Blackburn.

And in the dark with the light behind her, she's not unlike him.

It's Radio 1's Edith Bowman.

APPLAUSE

So, we begin with Guess Who.

Phill, James and Rufus, take a look at this.

# Hello, hello... #

He's the world's biggest rock star with the conscience of a saint and the glasses of a Chilean miner.

The biggest thing to come out of Ireland since Shergar, Enya

and the international fiscal crisis, it's "Bonio"!

# Don't blame it on the sunshine... #

The best band ever with Five in their name, numerically stranded between The Fun Boy Three

and The Temperance Seven, it's Michael, Tito, Jermaine

and two others whose names escape me.

It's The Jackson Five.

That was The Jackson Five with Blame It On The Boggie...Boogie

and U2 with Vertigo.

But now here's the question, lads.

Who once wrote a brand-new foreword to the Bible?

Bono or The Jackson Five?

Well, it's not going to be him.

-Not Bono.

-With the glasses and the fact that he's as powerful as he is, it says Bond villain to me.

"I'm Bono." All he needs is a cat every time he does those gigs.

Just in a huge, round chair. "I've been expecting you..."

"I should bloody hope so, Bono. It was 60 quid a ticket!"

If you are the Bible's publishers...

Yeah.

..who I believe is God, which one of them would have got the gig?

-Does he have a publishing wing?

-Well, he's omnipotent.

So he has distribution, he works in the warehouse, he signs the cheques.

That's really the beauty of being God.

As a one-man band goes, omnipotence is very much your calling card.

He's going to go with whichever one sings the most about love because God is love.

"And whomsoever lives in love lives in God and God lives in them." 1 John 4:16. I like the way you're thinking!

-I'll take this to a lower level.

-Must you?

-I was going to speak to James and bring him in.

-Oh, God!

-You're a notorious playboy...

LAUGHTER

This is a note from my mother.

What is the secret of your success with women, James?

-I'm a lesbian.

-Ah!

And much bigger with no clothes on.

You're too quick for me, James, I'll tell you that!

Thank God you've got two fellas as slow as anything beside you!

Terry, you're smashin' it tonight. Absolutely smashin' it.

-Which is popular talk for ruining it?

-No.

-It means you're doing well.

-Thank you.

I've done quite a few panel shows with all different sorts of hosts.

Normally, if they have a go at you, you want to fight back.

-But when Terry says the thing, I sit here thinking, "You're right, I am..."

-BLEEP

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What kind of a person do you guys think I am?

Can we have an answer? Is it The Jackson Five or our "Bonio"?

I think that if God had tried to get in touch with Bono to write the foreword, he'd have only got his PA.

Bono once... This is a true story.

I'm going to name-drop like an idiot, but Bono rang me up once.

I don't know how he got my number and I stupidly thought it was one of my mates mucking about,

so I was like, "Yeah, whatever..."

And it was him, but I went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent, you dick!"

LAUGHTER

And it was him!

Did he happen to say...

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Noel, I've been asked to do a foreword to the Bible"?

Listen, if this is the first round and it's taken this long,

we won't be out before Christmas.

-Gentlemen?

-You think it's Bono.

-I'm going to go for Bono.

-Bono.

-I hate to say it, but you're right.

-APPLAUSE

Bono once wrote a foreword to a book of the Bible.

A little known fact here - Bono actually appears in that painting of The Last Supper.

He's there on the end, sitting on the "Edge".

LAUGHTER

-Noel, Imelda...

-Yeah.

-Edith... Look closely at this.

# We can get a sensual seduction... #

He was Snoop Doggy Dogg, then Snoop Dogg, then Snoop and now Snoop Dogg again.

At last, sense has prevailed. Raise a hind leg and salute Snoop Dogg!

# Sensual seduction... #

And she kissed a girl and liked it, then she kissed Russell Brand and liked that as well for some reason.

It's equal opportunities tonsil jockey and California girl Katy Perry.

That was Katy Perry with California Girls and Snoop Dogg with Sensual Seduction.

But who tried to hire the entire country of Liechtenstein for a video shoot?

Was it Katy Perry or was it Snoop Dogg?

-Is it a big country or a small country?

-It's about the same size as Limerick.

Liechtenstein is a great place to hide your money.

How do you go about hiring an entire country?

Is it like one of those extras you get on a website when you book a flight? "You want a car, a country?"

Who do you phone up to hire a country?

-It's a weird video. She sees a walking jelly tot...

-It's awesome.

I'd quite like to meet a walking...

It walks over and she looks a bit frightened,

then as a natural reaction, shoots Nesquik out of her tits.

LAUGHTER

-I would go for Snoop.

-Really?

-Yeah.

He has the best microphone I've ever seen. Sorry, Terry. I know you're a legend when it comes to microphones.

At Glastonbury, he had this diamante microphone with a knuckle-duster hand grip that came on.

You do see some interesting mics, don't you?

I was just thinking it's another world for me.

Lou Reed had a gold microphone.

-You did a duet with Lou Reed, didn't you?

-I did.

Just got back and he ordered in this microphone

and it was apparently pure gold.

-Solid gold?

-Solid gold.

I like to imagine that he said it was solid gold, but it was actually chocolate money.

Do you think C3PO looks at Lou Reed with his gold microphone and thinks, "Looks like he's giving me a blowy"?

-I had no idea before I met you...

-Sorry, Terry.

-..just the depths of your depravity.

-Sorry.

I was going to say to you, any tips, as an Irish woman, on getting on here?

-No.

-In this country?

No. I've... No.

LAUGHTER

-Cos you're really struggling, Terry(!)

-Yeah.

-You really need the help(!)

-You're a knight. We should call you Sir Tel.

-No, you shouldn't.

-Can we though?

-No, you shouldn't.

Does it slightly turn you on when people call you Sir Tel?

Oh, let's not talk about me!

Come on, you guys.

When you're made a "sir", do they give you any jewellery?

Come to my dressing room afterwards and I'll show you.

-Can we have an answer?

-All I can think about now is Lou Reed singing into C3PO's penis.

That's all I can think about.

R2 would be next to him, going, "Oh..."

"Oh, Mr Reed!

"You just keep me hanging on!"

Of course, king of the robot blowies - Henry.

LAUGHTER

Do you live on your own?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Enough of the society entertainment!

Can we have an answer from the more logical side here?

-I'm going to leave it to...

-Snoop.

-Snoop.

-Yeah.

-OK, you're right.

-Yes!

-That's a point each.

APPLAUSE

The answer is Snoop Dogg once tried to hire Liechtenstein for a video shoot.

In 2008, Snoop's tour bus was raided and police found strippers, marijuana and booze.

It reminds me of the time we took the old Radio 2 Roadshow down...

to Cirencester.

Let's just say nobody was in bed before nine o'clock.

At the end of that thrilling round, it's a point each to Noel and Phill.

APPLAUSE

I've had a missive from Linda in Tring, wondering if we're having another round?

Are we...?

-We are.

-LAUGHTER

It's the Intros Round.

Phill and James, here are yours for Rufus.

Now...I'll hand you the card, the magic card. You've got to perform for Rufus.

Rufus, as ever, perceptive and the ears of an owl.

One, two, three, four.

-# Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-Ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-# Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-Ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

# Oh! Oh! Oh! Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-# Tch!

-Oh! Hey!

-# Ba-da-da-da-dum... # Will you concentrate?

-No idea?

-# Ba-da-da-da-dum...

-Tch! Tch! #

# Seh, seh, ho, ho! #

-This is not working.

-He's got Tourette's syndrome.

-What do you think, Rufus?

-Uh... I've genuinely forgot it.

-It's tough.

-Bowman has got it so much, she's dancing to it.

-Yeah, I know.

-# Tch! Tch!

-Da-da-da-da... #

I've got the military behind me now and...

There's a certain amount of pressure to get this right soon.

Go on, James, tell me he's beautiful.

APPLAUSE

I know who it is. I clearly know the song. I don't know the name of The Stone Roses classic.

-It's Phill...

-Everybody in Manchester is like, "What a fucking wanker!

"That's why we should have all the telly up here,

"so then we can make EastEnders more like fucking Shameless."

That'd be good for a week!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Fools Gold. No... Fools Gold.

D'you know, you're absolutely right.

APPLAUSE Well done.

Here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS: "Fools Gold" - The Stone Roses

You got that right, but you can never gig up north again.

With a group of people looking at me, going, "But he's not talking about things at the end of my road!"

LAUGHTER

If you like that, go and watch Peter Kay. He's brilliant at remembering.

-What about the next one then, lads?

-Are you ready for that one?

-Yes, I am ready.

-OK...

-Were you in the cavalry or not?

-Can we dim the lights?

-Ride me, ride me, ride me.

APPLAUSE

Wow!

The last person to do that to me was Brian Kennedy.

-Shall we sing the song now?

-I'm a devil for the balladeers.

One, two, three, four...

# Dang-dang, dagga-dagga-dag-dag

# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan...dan-dan

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan....dan-dan

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan...dan-dan

# Dan-dan...dan-dan

-# Dan-dan...dan-dan

-Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

# Dan-dan... #

# Don't cry Don't change your eye

# It's only teenage wasteland... #

-So the song is called...?

-Baba O'Riley by The Who.

APPLAUSE

This is the only programme that combines pop music and the Horse of the Year Show.

Two correct, Rufus. Well done.

Here, friends, is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS: "Baba O'Riley" - The Who

# Out here in the fields... #

So that was The Who with Baba O'Riley.

Pete Townshend suffers from tinnitus,

an annoying, monotonous buzzing that sounds as if it's coming from the base of your skull.

If you want to know what that sounds like, tune in to Chris Evans on Radio 2 every morning.

APPLAUSE

Just fooling around here...

Fools Gold by Stone Roses.

Mani from The Stones Roses described today's music

as "a torrent of mediocrity, dull as dishwater, safe and unimaginative."

Did I tell you of my new collection of favourite tunes?

Last year, The Stone Roses' Ian Brown was wounded by an on-stage attack.

Louis Walsh had told him, "The song choice was all wrong and you just didn't own it!"

Noel and Imelda, here are yours that you're going to perform for Edith.

I don't think I'm ever going to get that image of you doing Louis Walsh out of my head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, you don't have to ride me like a greyhound. It's fine.

-I'll sing your bit, then we'll swap, yeah?

-Yeah?

-# De-de-de-de-de... # Yeah?

-All right.

That's like when you give a really small child a simple task.

"You can't cook dinner with me, but if you hold this wooden spoon...

"Then we can say we cooked dinner together."

# Doooooo

# Doo-dooooo

-# Ba-da-da-da-daaa

-De-de-de-de

# Ba-da-da-da-da-da-doo... #

-OK, yeah.

-OK...

# Ba-da-da-da-doo Ba-da-da-da-da-doo... #

Is it Rod Stewart?

Yes! Yeah... >

# My heart is here tonight

# Time is on my side... #

Ohh!

-# Do-do-do-do-doo

-De-de-de-de-de... #

Stop singing, stop singing!

-# Do-do-do-do-doo... #

-Terry, make it stop!

You know when you get...

LAUGHTER

-Something like My Heart Is Here Tonight?

-Oh, Edith, Edith.

Dave Lee Travis would have known the answer.

Yes, but he's 105.

The answer is Young Turks. Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS: "Young Turks" - Rod Stewart

# Do-do-do-do-doo Do-do-do-do-doo.... #

Couldn't get the words.

# Billy left his home with a dollar in his pocket... #

Well, it has its own elusive charm, certainly.

OK, Noel, next intro, please. Good luck to you, Imelda.

-# Doo... Do-do-do-do-do-do-doo

-Nana-nana-now-now, bow-wow-wow

-# Ooh, yeah!

-Now-now-bung-tch

-# Wa-wa-nama-now-now, now-now-now

-Tch, tch, tch

# Jigga-doo-doo... #

You know this. I know I know. I just can't say the words.

-# Now-now-now... #

-We're on a different tune.

-# Oh, yeah! #

# Nana-nana-now-now, bow-dow-dow-dow

# Bung-tch... #

ALL JOIN IN

-# Boom-boom-boom

-Tch!

-# Na-na-na-na-na-na

-Bom-bom, bom-bom-bom

# Bom!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na Bom-bom-bom... #

OK, OK!

I tell you something, Terry. They didn't get audience participation when Amstell was in the chair.

He hated people.

After this show, I'm not that keen on them myself.

Edith, you won't get this.

# Edith, I've hidden the answer in my labyrinth... #

It's David Bowie. Is it Ziggy?

-Ziggy what?

-Stardust.

-You got it.

APPLAUSE

This is how it should have sounded, he said bad-temperedly.

INTRO PLAYS: "Ziggy Stardust" - David Bowie

-That was weird.

-You had a brain snap.

-Totally.

# Ooh, yeah... # We got that bit. >

# Ziggy played guitar... #

-What an idiot!

-That was David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust.

After a difficult interview, I came close to slapping David Bowie.

I can't tell you what I thought of him,

but I almost blanked him in the blankety-blank, the totally blankety-blanker!

And we also heard Young Turks by Rod Stewart.

Rod Stewart is a 65-year-old man. He's expecting his eighth child by four different women.

I don't know, youngsters these days!

Now, my mail bag is bulging.

I think it's boredom that brings it on. What everyone wants to know is, "What's the next round, Terry?"

Let me get you off your tenterhooks by telling you that it's the Identity Parade

and this week, we've made it a Eurovision special.

ALL: Ooh!

So, Phill, James and Rufus, how about some '90s Eurovision rap, eh?

For the audience only, here's Love City Groove.

# In the morning

# When the sun shines

# Down on your body

# I know we're really making love now

# We're really making, we're really making

# We're really making, we're really making

# We're really making, we're really making, we're really making love now... #

That was Love City Groove with...Love City Groove.

How do they think them up?

Which of our line-up is the singer Paul Hardy?

Is Number 1 Paul Hardy?

Is Number 2 Laurel and Hardy?

Is Number 3 Kiss Me Hardy?

Is Number 4 Hardy Har Har?

LAUGHTER

Or is Number 5 Hardy Worth Getting Out Of Bed For?

It's not Number 4. He's come straight out of a Chilean mine.

-SOUTH AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I will do the Buzzcocks this week."

Number 3 is an Elvis impersonator.

-Do your Elvis impersonation.

-He can't move or do anything you say.

You can't come here, James Blunt, with all your fine ways and try and make the rules.

I apologise.

LAUGHTER

James is slightly reeling because that's not his family tartan.

Number 1 kind of looks the most...

-It's clearly Number 1, isn't it?

-I think it's Number 1.

Would the real Paul Hardy step forward now?

APPLAUSE

Performing Elvis in his tribute show Elvis - What If, Paul Hardy, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

-That's what James said.

-Yeah.

-For Noel, Imelda and Edith, how about some Eurovision '80s pop?

-Yes!

For the audience only, Bucks Fizz.

# And try to look as if you don't care less

# But if you want to see some more

# Bending the rules of the game will let you find the one you're looking for

# And then you can show that you think you know You're making your mind up... #

That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up, so Noel's team, which of our line-up is singer Cheryl Baker?

Is it Number 1, Making Your Mind Up?

Number 2, I've Made My Mind Up?

Number 3, I Definitely Know Who It Is?

Number 4, I'm Having Second Thoughts?

Or Number 5, Oh No, It's Number 2?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She's laughing, she's laughing.

She's laughing. It's Number 2. She's laughing.

What do you mean, "It's Number 2, she's laughing"?

Do you mean the one that looks exactly like Cheryl Baker?

You can't see what we can see. It's like sort of transsexual Frank Zappas. It's terrifying.

People that haven't got HDTV think the Nolans are back together!

They are!

I think it's Number 2. They all look very good...

What do you mean, you THINK it's Number 2? It's Number 2!

The one that looks like Cheryl Baker that in his introduction Terry said it was!

-OK, let's find out.

-Wait a sec. Terry, easy!

-For God's sake!

-Let me just...

-We want to make sure.

-I've got the authority of a seven-year-old girl. This is ridiculous. Edith's useless.

You're dressed as a ladybird. It's Number 2!

Number 2. Would the real Cheryl Baker please step forward?

-It's Number 2.

-APPLAUSE

Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK... The fax machine is overheating with requests to know what round it is.

I can tell you... I can.

-It's Next Lines. You're in the lead, Phill.

-Yeah.

-So you go first.

-Thank you, Terry.

-Your time starts now.

And from this envelope from which I tear the questions feverishly...

# Congratulations and jubilations... #

-"I want the world to know how happy I can be."

-That'll do.

-Cliff's looking well these days, isn't he?

-Finally, his face has caught up with his bollocks.

# BBC...

# Radio 2! #

APPLAUSE

Royaume-Uni...

Nul points!

# You're beautiful, you're beautiful... #

I know it.

# You're beautiful...

# It's true... #

No.

The answer is, "And so are you, Terry."

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

-Look, they're running away with this.

-We only need 47 to win.

-Come on. Pull yourselves together.

OK, your time starts now... As if we were keeping to a time!

Come on.

-"Ziggy played guitar..."

-Oh, not again!

It's "Jammin' good with Weird and Gilly".

You got it right, Edith. My goodness!

Fantastic. It was "Jammin' good with Weird and Gilly," David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust.

Loveable chap that he is.

Was it that bad an interview? Come on, tell us.

-Yeah.

-What did he do, Terry? Show us on the puppet what David Bowie did to you.

Sometimes you want to know just a little bit too much.

"He's the devil divine, I'm so glad that he's mine..."

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-I don't know this one!

-"Cos he's my big, bad, handsome man."

-Yeah, of course, that's one of yours, Imelda. # Blankety Blank...

-# Blankety Blank. #

-Correct.

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-# Blankety Blank... #

That would be brilliant if David Bowie presented Blankety Blank.

-Just on it. Terry should present it.

-Sorry.

# Ziggy played... # Blank.

You're only delaying this cos you know they're catching you up.

# Maybe I didn't love you...

# Quite as often as I should have... #

# That is correct, all available on this... #

LAUGHTER

"You're answering questions that have not yet been asked..."

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-It was a shit interview, Terry.

-Afterwards, you called me a prick.

-I should know this one.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Oh, no way!

APPLAUSE

And so drained of all emotion, we come to the final scores.

Noel with 9,

Phill, an even more magnificent 10. Phill's the winner.

APPLAUSE

So, thanks to Phill and James and Rufus and Noel, Imelda and Edith.

This has been... Never Mind The Boo Radleys.

I used to be Terry Wogan.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010

Email [email protected]