Episode 4 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 4

Anarchic pop quiz hosted by Terry Wogan with team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus. Guests are Edith Bowman, Rufus Hound, James Blunt and Imelda May.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:010:00:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. Hello and welcome to what they call a show.

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I think you all know why I'm here.

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I could have been on Strictly Come Dancing or on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here,

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but I wanted to put myself through the most degenerating and debasing show of them all.

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Let's play Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, on Phill's team tonight...

0:00:570:00:59

# The morning's on its way... #

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He's an exceptionally nice man, he's served his country with distinction and written music adored by millions

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but Buzzcock rules are Buzzcock rules, so here's a man only the public likes - James Blunt.

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APPLAUSE

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It's one of those new comedians with a strange name. I'll probably not understand a word the man says.

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But I'll do the old avuncular smile and nod thing just to encourage the lad. It's Rufus Hound.

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APPLAUSE

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And on Noel's team...

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# Oh, mayhem... #

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She's young, she's Irish. She's trying to repair some of the musical damage caused by Jedward.

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From Dublin's fair city, it's Molly Malone... No, Imelda May!

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APPLAUSE

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She's the only thing I listen to on Radio 1 these days.

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Modelled herself on Tony Blackburn.

0:02:000:02:02

And in the dark with the light behind her, she's not unlike him.

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It's Radio 1's Edith Bowman.

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APPLAUSE

0:02:090:02:11

So, we begin with Guess Who.

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Phill, James and Rufus, take a look at this.

0:02:160:02:20

# Hello, hello... #

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He's the world's biggest rock star with the conscience of a saint and the glasses of a Chilean miner.

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The biggest thing to come out of Ireland since Shergar, Enya

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and the international fiscal crisis, it's "Bonio"!

0:02:310:02:35

# Don't blame it on the sunshine... #

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The best band ever with Five in their name, numerically stranded between The Fun Boy Three

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and The Temperance Seven, it's Michael, Tito, Jermaine

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and two others whose names escape me.

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It's The Jackson Five.

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That was The Jackson Five with Blame It On The Boggie...Boogie

0:02:550:02:59

and U2 with Vertigo.

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But now here's the question, lads.

0:03:010:03:04

Who once wrote a brand-new foreword to the Bible?

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Bono or The Jackson Five?

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Well, it's not going to be him.

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-Not Bono.

-With the glasses and the fact that he's as powerful as he is, it says Bond villain to me.

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"I'm Bono." All he needs is a cat every time he does those gigs.

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Just in a huge, round chair. "I've been expecting you..."

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"I should bloody hope so, Bono. It was 60 quid a ticket!"

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If you are the Bible's publishers...

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Yeah.

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..who I believe is God, which one of them would have got the gig?

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-Does he have a publishing wing?

-Well, he's omnipotent.

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So he has distribution, he works in the warehouse, he signs the cheques.

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That's really the beauty of being God.

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As a one-man band goes, omnipotence is very much your calling card.

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He's going to go with whichever one sings the most about love because God is love.

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"And whomsoever lives in love lives in God and God lives in them." 1 John 4:16. I like the way you're thinking!

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-I'll take this to a lower level.

-Must you?

-I was going to speak to James and bring him in.

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-Oh, God!

-You're a notorious playboy...

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LAUGHTER

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This is a note from my mother.

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What is the secret of your success with women, James?

0:04:230:04:27

-I'm a lesbian.

-Ah!

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And much bigger with no clothes on.

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You're too quick for me, James, I'll tell you that!

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Thank God you've got two fellas as slow as anything beside you!

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Terry, you're smashin' it tonight. Absolutely smashin' it.

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-Which is popular talk for ruining it?

-No.

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-It means you're doing well.

-Thank you.

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I've done quite a few panel shows with all different sorts of hosts.

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Normally, if they have a go at you, you want to fight back.

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-But when Terry says the thing, I sit here thinking, "You're right, I am..."

-BLEEP

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What kind of a person do you guys think I am?

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Can we have an answer? Is it The Jackson Five or our "Bonio"?

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I think that if God had tried to get in touch with Bono to write the foreword, he'd have only got his PA.

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Bono once... This is a true story.

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I'm going to name-drop like an idiot, but Bono rang me up once.

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I don't know how he got my number and I stupidly thought it was one of my mates mucking about,

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so I was like, "Yeah, whatever..."

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And it was him, but I went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent, you dick!"

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LAUGHTER

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And it was him!

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Did he happen to say...

0:05:520:05:55

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Noel, I've been asked to do a foreword to the Bible"?

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Listen, if this is the first round and it's taken this long,

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we won't be out before Christmas.

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-Gentlemen?

-You think it's Bono.

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-I'm going to go for Bono.

-Bono.

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-I hate to say it, but you're right.

-APPLAUSE

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Bono once wrote a foreword to a book of the Bible.

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A little known fact here - Bono actually appears in that painting of The Last Supper.

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He's there on the end, sitting on the "Edge".

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LAUGHTER

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-Noel, Imelda...

-Yeah.

-Edith... Look closely at this.

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# We can get a sensual seduction... #

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He was Snoop Doggy Dogg, then Snoop Dogg, then Snoop and now Snoop Dogg again.

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At last, sense has prevailed. Raise a hind leg and salute Snoop Dogg!

0:06:460:06:52

# Sensual seduction... #

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And she kissed a girl and liked it, then she kissed Russell Brand and liked that as well for some reason.

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It's equal opportunities tonsil jockey and California girl Katy Perry.

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That was Katy Perry with California Girls and Snoop Dogg with Sensual Seduction.

0:07:120:07:18

But who tried to hire the entire country of Liechtenstein for a video shoot?

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Was it Katy Perry or was it Snoop Dogg?

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-Is it a big country or a small country?

-It's about the same size as Limerick.

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Liechtenstein is a great place to hide your money.

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How do you go about hiring an entire country?

0:07:400:07:44

Is it like one of those extras you get on a website when you book a flight? "You want a car, a country?"

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Who do you phone up to hire a country?

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-It's a weird video. She sees a walking jelly tot...

-It's awesome.

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I'd quite like to meet a walking...

0:07:580:08:01

It walks over and she looks a bit frightened,

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then as a natural reaction, shoots Nesquik out of her tits.

0:08:040:08:08

LAUGHTER

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-I would go for Snoop.

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:08:110:08:14

He has the best microphone I've ever seen. Sorry, Terry. I know you're a legend when it comes to microphones.

0:08:140:08:19

At Glastonbury, he had this diamante microphone with a knuckle-duster hand grip that came on.

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You do see some interesting mics, don't you?

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I was just thinking it's another world for me.

0:08:300:08:34

Lou Reed had a gold microphone.

0:08:340:08:36

-You did a duet with Lou Reed, didn't you?

-I did.

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Just got back and he ordered in this microphone

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and it was apparently pure gold.

0:08:440:08:47

-Solid gold?

-Solid gold.

0:08:470:08:49

I like to imagine that he said it was solid gold, but it was actually chocolate money.

0:08:490:08:55

Do you think C3PO looks at Lou Reed with his gold microphone and thinks, "Looks like he's giving me a blowy"?

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-I had no idea before I met you...

-Sorry, Terry.

-..just the depths of your depravity.

-Sorry.

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I was going to say to you, any tips, as an Irish woman, on getting on here?

0:09:090:09:14

-No.

-In this country?

0:09:140:09:17

No. I've... No.

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LAUGHTER

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-Cos you're really struggling, Terry(!)

-Yeah.

0:09:210:09:25

-You really need the help(!)

-You're a knight. We should call you Sir Tel.

-No, you shouldn't.

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-Can we though?

-No, you shouldn't.

0:09:310:09:33

Does it slightly turn you on when people call you Sir Tel?

0:09:330:09:37

Oh, let's not talk about me!

0:09:370:09:40

Come on, you guys.

0:09:400:09:43

When you're made a "sir", do they give you any jewellery?

0:09:430:09:46

Come to my dressing room afterwards and I'll show you.

0:09:460:09:51

-Can we have an answer?

-All I can think about now is Lou Reed singing into C3PO's penis.

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That's all I can think about.

0:09:590:10:02

R2 would be next to him, going, "Oh..."

0:10:020:10:06

"Oh, Mr Reed!

0:10:070:10:09

"You just keep me hanging on!"

0:10:090:10:12

Of course, king of the robot blowies - Henry.

0:10:120:10:16

LAUGHTER

0:10:160:10:18

Do you live on your own?

0:10:180:10:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:10:210:10:23

Enough of the society entertainment!

0:10:260:10:29

Can we have an answer from the more logical side here?

0:10:310:10:35

-I'm going to leave it to...

-Snoop.

-Snoop.

-Yeah.

0:10:350:10:39

-OK, you're right.

-Yes!

-That's a point each.

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APPLAUSE

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The answer is Snoop Dogg once tried to hire Liechtenstein for a video shoot.

0:10:450:10:50

In 2008, Snoop's tour bus was raided and police found strippers, marijuana and booze.

0:10:500:10:56

It reminds me of the time we took the old Radio 2 Roadshow down...

0:10:560:11:01

to Cirencester.

0:11:010:11:03

Let's just say nobody was in bed before nine o'clock.

0:11:050:11:09

At the end of that thrilling round, it's a point each to Noel and Phill.

0:11:100:11:15

APPLAUSE

0:11:150:11:17

I've had a missive from Linda in Tring, wondering if we're having another round?

0:11:210:11:27

Are we...?

0:11:280:11:31

-We are.

-LAUGHTER

0:11:310:11:33

It's the Intros Round.

0:11:340:11:36

Phill and James, here are yours for Rufus.

0:11:360:11:40

Now...I'll hand you the card, the magic card. You've got to perform for Rufus.

0:11:400:11:45

Rufus, as ever, perceptive and the ears of an owl.

0:11:450:11:50

One, two, three, four.

0:11:500:11:52

-# Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-Ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

0:11:520:11:56

-# Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-Ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

0:11:560:12:00

# Oh! Oh! Oh! Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

0:12:000:12:02

-# Tch!

-Oh! Hey!

0:12:020:12:05

-# Ba-da-da-da-dum... # Will you concentrate?

-No idea?

0:12:050:12:09

-# Ba-da-da-da-dum...

-Tch! Tch! #

0:12:090:12:12

# Seh, seh, ho, ho! #

0:12:120:12:15

-This is not working.

-He's got Tourette's syndrome.

0:12:150:12:18

-What do you think, Rufus?

-Uh... I've genuinely forgot it.

0:12:200:12:24

-It's tough.

-Bowman has got it so much, she's dancing to it.

-Yeah, I know.

0:12:240:12:29

-# Tch! Tch!

-Da-da-da-da... #

0:12:310:12:34

I've got the military behind me now and...

0:12:390:12:42

There's a certain amount of pressure to get this right soon.

0:12:420:12:46

Go on, James, tell me he's beautiful.

0:12:460:12:49

APPLAUSE

0:12:520:12:54

I know who it is. I clearly know the song. I don't know the name of The Stone Roses classic.

0:12:560:13:02

-It's Phill...

-Everybody in Manchester is like, "What a fucking wanker!

0:13:020:13:07

"That's why we should have all the telly up here,

0:13:070:13:10

"so then we can make EastEnders more like fucking Shameless."

0:13:100:13:14

That'd be good for a week!

0:13:140:13:16

LAUGHTER

0:13:160:13:19

Oh, Fools Gold. No... Fools Gold.

0:13:210:13:24

D'you know, you're absolutely right.

0:13:240:13:27

APPLAUSE Well done.

0:13:270:13:30

Here is how it should have sounded.

0:13:310:13:35

INTRO PLAYS: "Fools Gold" - The Stone Roses

0:13:350:13:38

You got that right, but you can never gig up north again.

0:13:380:13:42

With a group of people looking at me, going, "But he's not talking about things at the end of my road!"

0:13:450:13:51

LAUGHTER

0:13:510:13:53

If you like that, go and watch Peter Kay. He's brilliant at remembering.

0:13:530:13:58

-What about the next one then, lads?

-Are you ready for that one?

-Yes, I am ready.

-OK...

0:13:590:14:05

-Were you in the cavalry or not?

-Can we dim the lights?

-Ride me, ride me, ride me.

0:14:080:14:14

APPLAUSE

0:14:150:14:17

Wow!

0:14:170:14:19

The last person to do that to me was Brian Kennedy.

0:14:200:14:24

-Shall we sing the song now?

-I'm a devil for the balladeers.

0:14:260:14:31

One, two, three, four...

0:14:310:14:33

# Dang-dang, dagga-dagga-dag-dag

0:14:330:14:36

# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

0:14:360:14:39

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan...dan-dan

0:14:390:14:43

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan....dan-dan

0:14:430:14:46

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan...dan-dan

0:14:460:14:50

# Dan-dan...dan-dan

0:14:500:14:53

-# Dan-dan...dan-dan

-Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

0:14:530:14:57

# Dan-dan... #

0:14:570:14:58

# Don't cry Don't change your eye

0:14:580:15:03

# It's only teenage wasteland... #

0:15:030:15:07

-So the song is called...?

-Baba O'Riley by The Who.

0:15:070:15:11

APPLAUSE

0:15:110:15:14

This is the only programme that combines pop music and the Horse of the Year Show.

0:15:160:15:22

Two correct, Rufus. Well done.

0:15:220:15:24

Here, friends, is how it should have sounded.

0:15:240:15:28

INTRO PLAYS: "Baba O'Riley" - The Who

0:15:280:15:30

# Out here in the fields... #

0:15:400:15:44

So that was The Who with Baba O'Riley.

0:15:440:15:47

Pete Townshend suffers from tinnitus,

0:15:470:15:50

an annoying, monotonous buzzing that sounds as if it's coming from the base of your skull.

0:15:500:15:55

If you want to know what that sounds like, tune in to Chris Evans on Radio 2 every morning.

0:15:550:16:01

APPLAUSE

0:16:010:16:04

Just fooling around here...

0:16:050:16:08

Fools Gold by Stone Roses.

0:16:080:16:10

Mani from The Stones Roses described today's music

0:16:100:16:14

as "a torrent of mediocrity, dull as dishwater, safe and unimaginative."

0:16:140:16:18

Did I tell you of my new collection of favourite tunes?

0:16:180:16:22

Last year, The Stone Roses' Ian Brown was wounded by an on-stage attack.

0:16:230:16:29

Louis Walsh had told him, "The song choice was all wrong and you just didn't own it!"

0:16:300:16:36

Noel and Imelda, here are yours that you're going to perform for Edith.

0:16:460:16:51

I don't think I'm ever going to get that image of you doing Louis Walsh out of my head.

0:16:510:16:57

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:590:17:01

OK, you don't have to ride me like a greyhound. It's fine.

0:17:030:17:07

-I'll sing your bit, then we'll swap, yeah?

-Yeah?

0:17:070:17:11

-# De-de-de-de-de... # Yeah?

-All right.

0:17:110:17:13

That's like when you give a really small child a simple task.

0:17:130:17:17

"You can't cook dinner with me, but if you hold this wooden spoon...

0:17:170:17:22

"Then we can say we cooked dinner together."

0:17:240:17:27

# Doooooo

0:17:300:17:33

# Doo-dooooo

0:17:330:17:37

-# Ba-da-da-da-daaa

-De-de-de-de

0:17:370:17:39

# Ba-da-da-da-da-da-doo... #

0:17:390:17:42

-OK, yeah.

-OK...

0:17:420:17:44

# Ba-da-da-da-doo Ba-da-da-da-da-doo... #

0:17:440:17:48

Is it Rod Stewart?

0:17:480:17:50

Yes! Yeah... >

0:17:500:17:52

# My heart is here tonight

0:17:520:17:55

# Time is on my side... #

0:17:550:17:57

Ohh!

0:17:570:17:59

-# Do-do-do-do-doo

-De-de-de-de-de... #

0:17:590:18:02

Stop singing, stop singing!

0:18:020:18:05

-# Do-do-do-do-doo... #

-Terry, make it stop!

0:18:050:18:08

You know when you get...

0:18:080:18:10

LAUGHTER

0:18:100:18:13

-Something like My Heart Is Here Tonight?

-Oh, Edith, Edith.

0:18:130:18:17

Dave Lee Travis would have known the answer.

0:18:170:18:20

Yes, but he's 105.

0:18:200:18:22

The answer is Young Turks. Here's how it should have sounded.

0:18:230:18:28

INTRO PLAYS: "Young Turks" - Rod Stewart

0:18:280:18:32

# Do-do-do-do-doo Do-do-do-do-doo.... #

0:18:330:18:37

Couldn't get the words.

0:18:370:18:39

# Billy left his home with a dollar in his pocket... #

0:18:390:18:43

Well, it has its own elusive charm, certainly.

0:18:430:18:47

OK, Noel, next intro, please. Good luck to you, Imelda.

0:18:480:18:52

-# Doo... Do-do-do-do-do-do-doo

-Nana-nana-now-now, bow-wow-wow

0:18:520:18:57

-# Ooh, yeah!

-Now-now-bung-tch

0:18:570:18:59

-# Wa-wa-nama-now-now, now-now-now

-Tch, tch, tch

0:18:590:19:04

# Jigga-doo-doo... #

0:19:040:19:05

You know this. I know I know. I just can't say the words.

0:19:050:19:09

-# Now-now-now... #

-We're on a different tune.

-# Oh, yeah! #

0:19:090:19:13

# Nana-nana-now-now, bow-dow-dow-dow

0:19:130:19:18

# Bung-tch... #

0:19:180:19:20

ALL JOIN IN

0:19:200:19:22

-# Boom-boom-boom

-Tch!

0:19:220:19:25

-# Na-na-na-na-na-na

-Bom-bom, bom-bom-bom

0:19:250:19:29

# Bom!

0:19:290:19:31

# Na-na-na-na-na-na Bom-bom-bom... #

0:19:310:19:35

OK, OK!

0:19:350:19:37

I tell you something, Terry. They didn't get audience participation when Amstell was in the chair.

0:19:370:19:43

He hated people.

0:19:430:19:46

After this show, I'm not that keen on them myself.

0:19:460:19:50

Edith, you won't get this.

0:19:520:19:54

# Edith, I've hidden the answer in my labyrinth... #

0:19:540:19:59

It's David Bowie. Is it Ziggy?

0:20:000:20:03

-Ziggy what?

-Stardust.

-You got it.

0:20:030:20:06

APPLAUSE

0:20:060:20:09

This is how it should have sounded, he said bad-temperedly.

0:20:110:20:15

INTRO PLAYS: "Ziggy Stardust" - David Bowie

0:20:150:20:18

-That was weird.

-You had a brain snap.

-Totally.

0:20:180:20:21

# Ooh, yeah... # We got that bit. >

0:20:220:20:25

# Ziggy played guitar... #

0:20:250:20:28

-What an idiot!

-That was David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust.

0:20:280:20:33

After a difficult interview, I came close to slapping David Bowie.

0:20:330:20:37

I can't tell you what I thought of him,

0:20:370:20:40

but I almost blanked him in the blankety-blank, the totally blankety-blanker!

0:20:400:20:45

And we also heard Young Turks by Rod Stewart.

0:20:450:20:49

Rod Stewart is a 65-year-old man. He's expecting his eighth child by four different women.

0:20:490:20:54

I don't know, youngsters these days!

0:20:540:20:57

Now, my mail bag is bulging.

0:20:570:21:00

I think it's boredom that brings it on. What everyone wants to know is, "What's the next round, Terry?"

0:21:030:21:09

Let me get you off your tenterhooks by telling you that it's the Identity Parade

0:21:090:21:15

and this week, we've made it a Eurovision special.

0:21:150:21:18

ALL: Ooh!

0:21:180:21:21

So, Phill, James and Rufus, how about some '90s Eurovision rap, eh?

0:21:210:21:26

For the audience only, here's Love City Groove.

0:21:260:21:29

# In the morning

0:21:290:21:32

# When the sun shines

0:21:320:21:34

# Down on your body

0:21:340:21:36

# I know we're really making love now

0:21:370:21:40

# We're really making, we're really making

0:21:400:21:42

# We're really making, we're really making

0:21:420:21:45

# We're really making, we're really making, we're really making love now... #

0:21:450:21:49

That was Love City Groove with...Love City Groove.

0:21:490:21:53

How do they think them up?

0:21:530:21:55

Which of our line-up is the singer Paul Hardy?

0:21:550:22:00

Is Number 1 Paul Hardy?

0:22:000:22:02

Is Number 2 Laurel and Hardy?

0:22:020:22:05

Is Number 3 Kiss Me Hardy?

0:22:050:22:07

Is Number 4 Hardy Har Har?

0:22:070:22:10

LAUGHTER

0:22:100:22:13

Or is Number 5 Hardy Worth Getting Out Of Bed For?

0:22:130:22:17

It's not Number 4. He's come straight out of a Chilean mine.

0:22:190:22:22

-SOUTH AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I will do the Buzzcocks this week."

0:22:220:22:26

Number 3 is an Elvis impersonator.

0:22:260:22:28

-Do your Elvis impersonation.

-He can't move or do anything you say.

0:22:280:22:32

You can't come here, James Blunt, with all your fine ways and try and make the rules.

0:22:320:22:38

I apologise.

0:22:380:22:40

LAUGHTER

0:22:400:22:43

James is slightly reeling because that's not his family tartan.

0:22:430:22:47

Number 1 kind of looks the most...

0:22:490:22:51

-It's clearly Number 1, isn't it?

-I think it's Number 1.

0:22:510:22:55

Would the real Paul Hardy step forward now?

0:22:550:22:58

APPLAUSE

0:23:000:23:02

Performing Elvis in his tribute show Elvis - What If, Paul Hardy, ladies and gentlemen!

0:23:050:23:11

APPLAUSE

0:23:110:23:14

-That's what James said.

-Yeah.

0:23:140:23:17

-For Noel, Imelda and Edith, how about some Eurovision '80s pop?

-Yes!

0:23:180:23:24

For the audience only, Bucks Fizz.

0:23:240:23:26

# And try to look as if you don't care less

0:23:260:23:28

# But if you want to see some more

0:23:280:23:31

# Bending the rules of the game will let you find the one you're looking for

0:23:310:23:36

# And then you can show that you think you know You're making your mind up... #

0:23:360:23:41

That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up, so Noel's team, which of our line-up is singer Cheryl Baker?

0:23:410:23:48

Is it Number 1, Making Your Mind Up?

0:23:480:23:51

Number 2, I've Made My Mind Up?

0:23:510:23:53

Number 3, I Definitely Know Who It Is?

0:23:530:23:56

Number 4, I'm Having Second Thoughts?

0:23:560:23:59

Or Number 5, Oh No, It's Number 2?

0:23:590:24:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:020:24:05

She's laughing, she's laughing.

0:24:080:24:10

She's laughing. It's Number 2. She's laughing.

0:24:100:24:13

What do you mean, "It's Number 2, she's laughing"?

0:24:130:24:17

Do you mean the one that looks exactly like Cheryl Baker?

0:24:170:24:21

You can't see what we can see. It's like sort of transsexual Frank Zappas. It's terrifying.

0:24:210:24:27

People that haven't got HDTV think the Nolans are back together!

0:24:270:24:32

They are!

0:24:320:24:35

I think it's Number 2. They all look very good...

0:24:370:24:41

What do you mean, you THINK it's Number 2? It's Number 2!

0:24:410:24:44

The one that looks like Cheryl Baker that in his introduction Terry said it was!

0:24:440:24:51

-OK, let's find out.

-Wait a sec. Terry, easy!

0:24:530:24:56

-For God's sake!

-Let me just...

0:24:560:24:59

-We want to make sure.

-I've got the authority of a seven-year-old girl. This is ridiculous. Edith's useless.

0:24:590:25:05

You're dressed as a ladybird. It's Number 2!

0:25:050:25:09

Number 2. Would the real Cheryl Baker please step forward?

0:25:090:25:13

-It's Number 2.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:140:25:17

Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen!

0:25:230:25:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:280:25:31

OK... The fax machine is overheating with requests to know what round it is.

0:25:370:25:43

I can tell you... I can.

0:25:430:25:47

-It's Next Lines. You're in the lead, Phill.

-Yeah.

0:25:480:25:52

-So you go first.

-Thank you, Terry.

-Your time starts now.

0:25:520:25:56

And from this envelope from which I tear the questions feverishly...

0:25:560:26:00

# Congratulations and jubilations... #

0:26:020:26:07

-"I want the world to know how happy I can be."

-That'll do.

0:26:070:26:11

-Cliff's looking well these days, isn't he?

-Finally, his face has caught up with his bollocks.

0:26:110:26:17

# BBC...

0:26:180:26:21

# Radio 2! #

0:26:210:26:23

APPLAUSE

0:26:230:26:27

Royaume-Uni...

0:26:270:26:30

Nul points!

0:26:300:26:32

# You're beautiful, you're beautiful... #

0:26:350:26:38

I know it.

0:26:380:26:41

# You're beautiful...

0:26:410:26:44

# It's true... #

0:26:440:26:47

No.

0:26:480:26:49

The answer is, "And so are you, Terry."

0:26:490:26:52

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:26:520:26:55

APPLAUSE

0:26:560:26:59

-Look, they're running away with this.

-We only need 47 to win.

-Come on. Pull yourselves together.

0:26:590:27:05

OK, your time starts now... As if we were keeping to a time!

0:27:050:27:10

Come on.

0:27:120:27:14

-"Ziggy played guitar..."

-Oh, not again!

0:27:140:27:18

It's "Jammin' good with Weird and Gilly".

0:27:180:27:22

You got it right, Edith. My goodness!

0:27:220:27:24

Fantastic. It was "Jammin' good with Weird and Gilly," David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust.

0:27:240:27:30

Loveable chap that he is.

0:27:300:27:32

Was it that bad an interview? Come on, tell us.

0:27:320:27:36

-Yeah.

-What did he do, Terry? Show us on the puppet what David Bowie did to you.

0:27:360:27:42

Sometimes you want to know just a little bit too much.

0:27:430:27:47

"He's the devil divine, I'm so glad that he's mine..."

0:27:470:27:51

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-I don't know this one!

0:27:510:27:54

-"Cos he's my big, bad, handsome man."

-Yeah, of course, that's one of yours, Imelda. # Blankety Blank...

0:27:540:28:00

-# Blankety Blank. #

-Correct.

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-# Blankety Blank... #

0:28:000:28:05

That would be brilliant if David Bowie presented Blankety Blank.

0:28:050:28:09

-Just on it. Terry should present it.

-Sorry.

0:28:090:28:12

# Ziggy played... # Blank.

0:28:120:28:15

You're only delaying this cos you know they're catching you up.

0:28:150:28:19

# Maybe I didn't love you...

0:28:190:28:21

# Quite as often as I should have... #

0:28:210:28:24

# That is correct, all available on this... #

0:28:240:28:27

LAUGHTER

0:28:270:28:30

"You're answering questions that have not yet been asked..."

0:28:310:28:35

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-It was a shit interview, Terry.

0:28:350:28:39

-Afterwards, you called me a prick.

-I should know this one.

0:28:390:28:44

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:28:440:28:47

Oh, no way!

0:28:470:28:49

APPLAUSE

0:28:490:28:51

And so drained of all emotion, we come to the final scores.

0:28:530:28:57

Noel with 9,

0:28:570:29:00

Phill, an even more magnificent 10. Phill's the winner.

0:29:000:29:03

APPLAUSE

0:29:050:29:08

So, thanks to Phill and James and Rufus and Noel, Imelda and Edith.

0:29:080:29:13

This has been... Never Mind The Boo Radleys.

0:29:130:29:17

I used to be Terry Wogan.

0:29:190:29:22

Good night.

0:29:220:29:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:240:29:27

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010

0:29:470:29:51

Email [email protected]

0:29:510:29:54

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