Episode 5 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, unfortunately there has been a small change of plan.

Shakira won't come out because

it's too windy, but the producers have tried to find someone

who is vaguely similar and also nearby.

I am the 1990 East Leinster Under-14s Triple-Jump bronze medallist.

My name is David O'Doherty, let's Never-Mind some Buzzcocks.

On Noel's team tonight...

# Normally I try to run... #

..I don't like this guest, I love him a million per cent.

It's skinny-jeans-wearing, buttoned-up-to-the-top pop merchant Olly Murs.

He's a man who knows his music. If it wasn't for him,

Hamfatter would probably be anonymous today.

It's gazillionaire pop Dragon Peter Jones.

And on Phil's team tonight...

-# Spice up your life

-Every boy and every girl... #

..she used to be scary, now she's bloody terrifying, and may God

have mercy on our souls, it's scary Northern loudmouth Melanie Brown.

It's him off BBC sitcom Him & Her

except he doesn't play him or her, he plays the beardy one.

It's the beardy one off Him & Her, Joe Wilkinson.

OK, everyone, now let us be still like resting jaguars

in the Colombian rainforest.

Before we go on, I should explain that a lot of this script

has been written specifically for Shakira,

but I'm just going to try and get through it.

Now we signal the start of the show in the age-old

traditional way in which all pop panel shows in Colombia begin,

with the mystical sound of the panpipes.

RECORDING PLAYS

We begin with Want To Be Starting Something.

Noel, Peter and Olly, take a look at this.

# I came so close You touch my body... #

So he cheekily got caught snorting miaow-miaow and he cheekily

sent abusive and threatening texts to that woman

and then playfully ditched his pregnant girlfriend - ow!

But it was all done with a hop skip and a jump,

and a twinkle in his eye, it's cheeky chappie Dappy.

# Baby, I need you... #

That was N-Dubz with I Need You, but how did rapper Dappy get himself into trouble at Alton Towers?

What did you call N-Dubz there, that was quite lovely?

They were asking me about this guy and I've never

heard of him so I said how do you pronounce it, and I saw it on the sheet and I said, "Is that N-Doobs?"

My granny used to call them Boyz One.

Olly, have you been watching X Factor?

I have been watching it, yeah.

What did you do in the house? What did you do?

Sleep. Rehearse. Try and look after the Jedward twins.

Argh...

-None of that went on, no.

-Man, if I'd been there...

I just don't know

if I've got the right vibe for that.

Panpipe.

Yeah, yeah.

ATONAL BREATHY SOUND

RECORDING PLAYS

Thank you.

I used to get felt-tips and Sellotape them together and pretend they were panpipes.

Only about two days ago.

Dragon's Den?

Panpipes you can draw with.

Look, you can do in 19 drawings at the same time!

Oh, God.

That's not the response I was looking for.

I mean, if you're looking for big ideas...

This is just a hat

with a whiteboard on it, it's called a whiteboard hat.

Say you're just trying to think of ideas and just keep it down on it.

You need to wipe them off, you know what I mean?

You can write whatever like... £80,000 for 10% over five years.

I'll invest half if Peter would use your expertise

to facilitate the idea further,

I am prepared to put 25 grand in.

Unbelievable.

Is he being serious?

Let me just be clear what the idea is, it's a whiteboard on a hat.

It sells itself. You don't need to say anything else.

Who do you think would buy it?

Well, there's only one of it at the moment,

so what I'm proposing is we could just lend it round to anyone who was interested in it.

Peter, in Dragon's Den there was Hamfatter,

the band that you threw some cash at. What's going on there?

I'm still working on that one.

Hamfatter is a bit of an odd name, isn't it? I think I could come up with a better name in...

four seconds.

Do you want to put this to the test?

-..two, three...

-The Mothpopes.

How did Dappy land himself in trouble at Alton Towers, please?

-I assume that he did something quite naughty.

-What do you mean?

Well, I'm not saying spitting or anything quite as bad as that.

Not quite as naughty as that.

-He might have been rude to an attendant.

-I know what it is.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-Shush.

What does he sing?

# Number one I don't understand... #

I love that one.

They're cool, they're really cool.

You've got to be out of your fucking mind.

I like their style.

Anyone into N-Dubz over here?

I've no idea, and I don't care.

See about breaking it down, then, fighting...

-Fighting.

-Drugs.

-Spitting.

-Spitting.

-But I know what it is, guys!

Scratching.

He scratched somebody.

Really badly.

And he asked for his money back.

They said, "We're not paying your money back, N-Doob," so he knocked somebody out,

-and that was it.

-N-Doob!

OK, I think that he went on the rollercoaster,

the upside-down one, he had loads of coins in his pocket,

a pound coin fell out and paralysed a duck.

That is the correct ans... No.

Now, Olly seems to have some idea of what...

Really? What do you reckon?

Allegedly, he smoked some cannabis and then got chucked out.

Oh, you're in trouble, he's going to get you.

That is 100% correct.

Yay, whoo!

Dappy was thrown out of Alton Towers Hotel on suspicion of

smoking cannabis, after other guests complained of a funny smell coming

from his room. I love Alton Towers. What's

that rollercoaster where you go up really fast suddenly

and then you come all the way back down again?

Oh, yes, it's the X Factor.

Phil, Mel and Joe, have a look at this.

-# Who's got a big red cherry nose?

-Santa's got a big red cherry nose... #

He's got the face of a pickled nut-sack and the voice

of a gurgling Jacuzzi - it's broken-down genius Bob Dylan.

# That's right, must be Santa

# Must be Santa

# Must be Santa, Santa Claus... #

That was Bob Dylan with Must Be Santa, but how has a Portaloo landed him in trouble?

A Portaloo and Dylan?

Who sounds like he's in a Portaloo most of the time.

Neeeeeh. Eehhhrr!

Phwoar!

That's funny!

He's a notorious non-flusher.

It's not that far off.

He's coming out, he sees you, he goes, "I'd give it five minutes."

If you go in and you see Dylan's, you know...

-Leavings?

-Yes.

..would you...

I wouldn't... I personally wouldn't photograph just anyone's,

but Dylan's and Mur's.

Isn't there a website called ratemypoo.com or something?

-Yes, there is.

-Called what? Rape My Poo?

-Rate My Poo.

Get off this quiz!

Dirty boy!

-I just said I heard.

-Oh, you heard.

-I heard.

Yes, like you "heard" about the magazines in the bushes.

-So how did a Portaloo get him into trouble?

-Come on, B.

-He probably had workers there.

-Workers where?

-I did the same thing recently.

You've done the same thing recently?

Builders, you know when you're...

How do say that word? Revenovating.

-Revenovating?

-How do you say it?

-Renovating.

-Renovating your house.

So I did that in part of my house and I didn't want all the 20 workers pooing in my loo.

-Why not?

-They take turns, they don't all go at once!

I got a Portaloo so that the 20 builders could poo in the Portaloo.

That's what I think happened.

He inspired the ire of his neighbours by having a Portaloo on the Dylan property.

You are correct.

See?!

Bob Dylan's neighbours have complained to the council

over the stench coming from a Portaloo on his property.

One even set up industrial fans to blow the smell back at him.

It seems strange that he's got an outside toilet,

but then Mel B is from Leeds,

so she was 32 before she had an indoor shit.

-What does that mean?

-I don't know, these are for Shakira.

OK, some of my happiest memories with Papa Shakira back home in the village

and when the locals were divided into teams and crudely interpret the beginning of pop songs.

Let me now transport you back to that happy time

as we play the Intros round, or Los Introduciones Redondos.

RECORDING PLAYS

Noel and Ollie, here are yours for Peter.

OK, are you ready for this?

When I asked you if you like music, you suggested Celine Dion earlier on, so I was a little terrified.

You can beatbox, can't you, Olly?

-I can do a bit of beatboxing.

-Are you going to beatbox on your new album?

-No.

I think you're missing a trick there.

What's beatbox?

Don't tell him, sell it to him.

You've really put me on the spot.

Dragon's Den. I'll be Bannantyne or whatever is called, the grumpy Scots one.

How much money do you...?

-Come on!

-Do you really want me to beatbox?

-Yes.

-All right, this is my rendition of Billie Jean, Michael Jackson.

-All right?

-All right.

HE MIMICS THE DRUMS AND CYMBALS

HE ADDS IN THE BASS LINE

HE BRINGS IN THE MELODY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm in.

Yeah, they're clapping now, ratemypoo.com.

Dirty boy!

-That was brilliant.

-Is that the one?

No.

That one's Billie Jean.

One, two... You do it, go on.

Four, three, two, one.

OLLY BEATBOXES DRUMS AND CYMBALS

SINGING BASS LINE: # Doo-doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo...

MORE MELODICALLY: # Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo. #

You got any ideas?

Yes, I have. I've got a feeling it's...

I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash.

Yes!

That'll do. Absolutely, and here is how it should have sounded.

That's very good.

MUSIC: I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash

HE MIMICS DRUM BEAT

# I keep a close watch... #

Do the next bloody song.

-Do you know this one?

-Yes, I do.

-Let's hear it.

Right. One, two, three, four.

# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Dabuh-dabuh, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum

BOTH: # Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da

# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da

# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum... #

Don't do the hands thing, it puts him off. It's like something from the 1930s.

# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da... #

-I know this.

-Ooh!

I just don't know what it's called.

The band's name is two ladies and...

AUDIENCE GROANS

What?! ..and something they do.

Oh, my God!

-Something that two women do.

-Yes, something that they do.

When they like each other.

-That's a good clue.

-That is a really good clue if you're a lesbian.

You weren't a lesbian in the Spice Girls, were you?

Maybe a little bit.

IN NORTHERN ACCENT: Whose turn is it to be a lesbian today?

What about a rota, like washing-up?

We're going to have to send it across, you guys, because the sun's starting to come up.

-Well, the name of the band in your lady-reference is Scissor Sisters.

-That is correct.

-Is it Laura?

-That is 100% correct

and this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: Laura by Scissor Sisters

# Daduh-daduh-daduh da-da-da

# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-boo-boo... #

# Laura, can't you give me... #

That was the Scissor Sisters with Laura.

The Scissor Sisters are named after a sexual position.

Interestingly, Dragon's Den is also one of Peter's favourite sexual positions.

You go in 15%, but only if Theo will come in with you.

You also heard Walk The Line by Johnny Cash.

The Jonas Brothers recently announced that they are recording an album of Johnny Cash covers.

They plan to mark the release by completing the job and actually pissing on his grave.

That's brilliant, that won't go in, though.

I'd say you're pretty... Ooh!

CLATTERING

It's fine, everyone.

That's called a cup-and-down, and it's an idea I had for,

say you're slightly clumsy with tea and whatnot, just straight back to you.

Just a pretty good idea, I think.

-What do you think of it?

-That's stupid, isn't it?

It's a comedy show, Peter. I'm not really trying to pitch you real inventions!

-I like that, can I keep that?

-Yeah. I'll give it to you.

Now I'll take it back!

Phil and Mel, here are yours for Joe.

-OK?

-Yeah.

You're going to count in.

You're quite bossy, aren't you?

One, two, three, four.

-# Bring...

-Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum

-# Ding...

-Da-na-now-now-now-now

-# Boom-cckk, boom-cckk...

-No-no-no-no-no Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

-# Boom-cckk, boom-cckk...

-Do-do-do do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

-# Boom-cckk, boom-cckk...

-Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do

# Boom-cckk! #

-It's good.

-Is that good?

-Yeah, that is pretty good, yes.

-Ah, shit.

Is it clue time?

-They're a band.

-Oh, hello.

And the song title is just numbers.

Is it the Strokes song?

Whoa! What's it called?

Is it my pin number?

I don't know your pin number.

5454.

-No.

-To genuinely is. I wish I hadn't done that.

I'm really muggable as well.

It is not, it's 12:51 by The Strokes and this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: 12:51 by The Strokes

-That was very good.

-Yeah.

See, we're good!

12:51.

I got confused between numbers and time.

Let's have another intro, please.

One, two, three, four.

# Un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh Buh-un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh

# Un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh Buh-un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh...

# Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin

# Wumbah-umbah-umbah

-# Wumbah-umbah-umbah

-Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin. #

Come on!

I feel like a headmaster interceding between an argument

between a very stroppy mother and a really unhappy geography teacher.

-Not even a clue, sorry.

-A clue would be, not me, but the person who was supposed to be doing this.

-You've just told him!

-So I take it it is Shakira song?

-Correct.

-Well...it's all up here.

-What does Shakira sing about? Nature.

-A peregrine falcon.

Wrong. That was She Wolf by Shakira, and this is how it should have sounded.

-See how good it was?

-Yeah, that was brilliant.

We also heard The Strokes with 12:51.

Incidentally, that's how much a signed Hamfatter album

would cost, assuming, of course, they throw in a free £12.50.

I tell you what, I'm bringing this band back now.

I'm sure they will be in the line-up soon enough.

At the end of that round, the scores are Noel on two points,

Phil also on two points.

I remember back in Colombia, Papa Shakira would supplement his income appearing in

police line-ups alongside dangerous drug barons and political kidnappers.

Let me now transport you back to that happy time as we play the Identity Parade.

RECORDING PLAYS

Noel, Peter, and Olly, how about some Scottish indie pop? For the audience only, here is Bis.

# Sugar, sugar, kandy pop Push it down and pull it up

# Sugar, sugar, kandy pop Just don't let the music stop

# Oh, oh, oh

-# Kandy pop!

-Oh, oh, oh

# Kandy pop!

-# Oh, oh, oh

-Kandy pop!

-# Oh, oh, oh

-Kandy pop! #

That was Bis with Kandy Pop, but which one of our line-up is singer Manda Rin?

Is it number one, Mandarin,

number two, Manda Holden,

number three, Manda Lifeboat, Skipper,

number four, Manda Write These Crappy Jokes,

or number five Man, Dats A Handy Whiteboard Hat?

Noel's team, any ideas?

Number four is wearing a different colour dress, maybe it's her.

All right, Columbo?

MIMICKING COLUMBO: Ma'am, when you came in to the line-up, ma'am,

-you had a red dress on, ma'am. No, it's...

-She's changed it.

She's also the only one standing with her feet properly.

-That's how you should really stand if you're lady.

-When was Manda Rin around?

AUDIENCE GASPS

We're not saying the other four aren't ladies, I can

tell you're not guys dressed up, but...

Oh, no...

Peter, what was the shittest job you have ever had?

-The worst job?

-Yeah, well that's what I meant, shittest.

It's a turn of phrase we have in Ireland meaning worst.

-Probably doing door work and having all the abuse.

-You were a bouncer?!

-Are you handy in a fight?

-Yes.

-You can breathe fire, right?

I can breathe fire.

What's the worst job you ever had?

Mel, have you ever had a horrific job?

Not really. I've worked at Pizza Hut but I enjoyed that, lovely pizza.

Is that after or before the Spice Girls?

APPLAUSE

So who do you reckon it is?

-Number two.

-I'd say three.

Fielding, what's your final answer?

Two. Let's find out, would the real Manda Rin please step forward?

Now, performing and recording as a solo artist, Manda Rin, ladies and gentlemen.

Phil, Joel, and Mel, what about some home-grown heavy metal?

For the audience only, here is Iron Maiden.

# Women in uniform Sometimes they look so cold

# Women in uniform But, ooh, they feel so warm

# Women in uniform Women in uniform

# Women in uniform Women in uniform. #

That was Iron Maiden with Women In Uniform, but which of our line-up is guitarist Dennis Stratton?

Is it number one, Iron Maiden,

number two, Fair Maiden,

number three, Mer-Maiden,

number four, Maid In Taiwan,

or number five, Maid In A Laboratory?

I think number five is kind of quite cute.

He's got abs, he's got that long hair that can swing around.

I don't think number four was in Iron Maiden, I think he's just come out of a defrosted iceberg.

Any ideas who?

PANPIPES

That sound means it's time to play a game that has been specially prepared for me, Shakira.

I famously once sang that my hips don't lie, but was I telling the truth?

Let's find out now as we play My Hips Don't Lie - Or Do They?

Underneath all of these flaps are facts about nature,

a subject close to my tiny Colombian heart.

All you have to do is tell me whether they're true or false.

Phil's team, you get the first pick.

-OK. Go on, Mel, pick a number.

-Number two.

-Number two.

I once sang the lyric, "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble

"so you don't confuse them with mountains."

But true or false, the Colombian mountain lion is the only other animal that celebrates birthdays?

-I'll have to hurry you.

-Go on, go false, David.

Yes, of course it's false!

They do celebrate Pancake Day, though.

Pick a number.

Can I have the third flap?

I once had a smash hit with the pop song Underneath My Clothes.

Underneath my clothes, I am a human female...

but if I was a male whale, my wanger would be called a dork,

-true or false?

-True.

That is bloody true.

-Who bloody used to be in Iron Maiden?

-It's two or three, go with two.

Let us find out. Would the real Dennis Stratton please step forward?

-It's three, it's three.

-It's two.

-Ah!

-Ah!

Now touring in the UK and Europe, Dennis Stratton, ladies and gentlemen.

When I was an even littler girl, Papa Shakira taught me one thing -

one line of a pop song should always be followed by another line.

Join me now as I transport you back to that happy time as we play the Next Lines.

Phil's team, you are up first.

What have I done to you...

..lately.

No.

Very embarrassing - to make you sex a lot.

Melanie Brown featuring Missy Elliott, I Want You Back.

Oh, fuck!

I should have known that!

There's a she-wolf in your closet...

..keep it away from your knickers.

Let it out so it can breathe.

Shakira, She Wolf.

Hey, Joe...

..where are you going with that gun in your hand?

Correct, Jimi Hendrix, Hey Joe.

Hey, man, lose that frown...

get yourself a cup-and-down.

Don't be a twat...

get yourself a whiteboard hat.

Noel's team, you now need three correct answers to win.

Let's have a bit of fun, you guys, don't take it too seriously, Peter.

Puff the Magic Dragon...

..lived by the sea.

Correct. Peter, Paul and Mary.

A bloody mess of broken dreams is lying scattered on the floor...

-Oh, that's Hamfatter.

-Yes, it is!

Is this the way we are going to be...

can I have £1 million to develop my whiteboard hat?

Well, that's been a bit of fun. The results of tonight's proceedings

are Phil's team have seven points, Noel's team have seven points also.

APPLAUSE

It's a tie. Thank you to Noel, Olly, and Peter,

Phil, Joe, and Mel.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I've been Shakira. Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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