Episode 5 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


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Episode 5

Anarchic pop quiz. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest presenter David O'Doherty, and panellists Mel B, Olly Murs, Peter Jones and Joe Wilkinson.


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Transcript


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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, unfortunately there has been a small change of plan.

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Shakira won't come out because

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it's too windy, but the producers have tried to find someone

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who is vaguely similar and also nearby.

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I am the 1990 East Leinster Under-14s Triple-Jump bronze medallist.

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My name is David O'Doherty, let's Never-Mind some Buzzcocks.

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On Noel's team tonight...

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# Normally I try to run... #

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..I don't like this guest, I love him a million per cent.

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It's skinny-jeans-wearing, buttoned-up-to-the-top pop merchant Olly Murs.

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He's a man who knows his music. If it wasn't for him,

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Hamfatter would probably be anonymous today.

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It's gazillionaire pop Dragon Peter Jones.

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And on Phil's team tonight...

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-# Spice up your life

-Every boy and every girl... #

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..she used to be scary, now she's bloody terrifying, and may God

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have mercy on our souls, it's scary Northern loudmouth Melanie Brown.

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It's him off BBC sitcom Him & Her

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except he doesn't play him or her, he plays the beardy one.

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It's the beardy one off Him & Her, Joe Wilkinson.

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OK, everyone, now let us be still like resting jaguars

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in the Colombian rainforest.

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Before we go on, I should explain that a lot of this script

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has been written specifically for Shakira,

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but I'm just going to try and get through it.

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Now we signal the start of the show in the age-old

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traditional way in which all pop panel shows in Colombia begin,

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with the mystical sound of the panpipes.

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RECORDING PLAYS

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We begin with Want To Be Starting Something.

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Noel, Peter and Olly, take a look at this.

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# I came so close You touch my body... #

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So he cheekily got caught snorting miaow-miaow and he cheekily

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sent abusive and threatening texts to that woman

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and then playfully ditched his pregnant girlfriend - ow!

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But it was all done with a hop skip and a jump,

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and a twinkle in his eye, it's cheeky chappie Dappy.

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# Baby, I need you... #

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That was N-Dubz with I Need You, but how did rapper Dappy get himself into trouble at Alton Towers?

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What did you call N-Dubz there, that was quite lovely?

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They were asking me about this guy and I've never

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heard of him so I said how do you pronounce it, and I saw it on the sheet and I said, "Is that N-Doobs?"

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My granny used to call them Boyz One.

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Olly, have you been watching X Factor?

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I have been watching it, yeah.

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What did you do in the house? What did you do?

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Sleep. Rehearse. Try and look after the Jedward twins.

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Argh...

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-None of that went on, no.

-Man, if I'd been there...

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I just don't know

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if I've got the right vibe for that.

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Panpipe.

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Yeah, yeah.

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ATONAL BREATHY SOUND

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RECORDING PLAYS

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Thank you.

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I used to get felt-tips and Sellotape them together and pretend they were panpipes.

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Only about two days ago.

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Dragon's Den?

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Panpipes you can draw with.

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Look, you can do in 19 drawings at the same time!

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Oh, God.

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That's not the response I was looking for.

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I mean, if you're looking for big ideas...

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This is just a hat

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with a whiteboard on it, it's called a whiteboard hat.

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Say you're just trying to think of ideas and just keep it down on it.

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You need to wipe them off, you know what I mean?

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You can write whatever like... £80,000 for 10% over five years.

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I'll invest half if Peter would use your expertise

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to facilitate the idea further,

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I am prepared to put 25 grand in.

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Unbelievable.

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Is he being serious?

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Let me just be clear what the idea is, it's a whiteboard on a hat.

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It sells itself. You don't need to say anything else.

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Who do you think would buy it?

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Well, there's only one of it at the moment,

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so what I'm proposing is we could just lend it round to anyone who was interested in it.

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Peter, in Dragon's Den there was Hamfatter,

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the band that you threw some cash at. What's going on there?

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I'm still working on that one.

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Hamfatter is a bit of an odd name, isn't it? I think I could come up with a better name in...

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four seconds.

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Do you want to put this to the test?

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-..two, three...

-The Mothpopes.

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How did Dappy land himself in trouble at Alton Towers, please?

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-I assume that he did something quite naughty.

-What do you mean?

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Well, I'm not saying spitting or anything quite as bad as that.

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Not quite as naughty as that.

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-He might have been rude to an attendant.

-I know what it is.

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-Do you?

-Yes.

-Shush.

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What does he sing?

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# Number one I don't understand... #

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I love that one.

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They're cool, they're really cool.

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You've got to be out of your fucking mind.

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I like their style.

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Anyone into N-Dubz over here?

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I've no idea, and I don't care.

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See about breaking it down, then, fighting...

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-Fighting.

-Drugs.

-Spitting.

-Spitting.

-But I know what it is, guys!

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Scratching.

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He scratched somebody.

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Really badly.

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And he asked for his money back.

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They said, "We're not paying your money back, N-Doob," so he knocked somebody out,

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-and that was it.

-N-Doob!

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OK, I think that he went on the rollercoaster,

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the upside-down one, he had loads of coins in his pocket,

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a pound coin fell out and paralysed a duck.

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That is the correct ans... No.

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Now, Olly seems to have some idea of what...

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Really? What do you reckon?

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Allegedly, he smoked some cannabis and then got chucked out.

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Oh, you're in trouble, he's going to get you.

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That is 100% correct.

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Yay, whoo!

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Dappy was thrown out of Alton Towers Hotel on suspicion of

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smoking cannabis, after other guests complained of a funny smell coming

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from his room. I love Alton Towers. What's

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that rollercoaster where you go up really fast suddenly

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and then you come all the way back down again?

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Oh, yes, it's the X Factor.

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Phil, Mel and Joe, have a look at this.

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-# Who's got a big red cherry nose?

-Santa's got a big red cherry nose... #

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He's got the face of a pickled nut-sack and the voice

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of a gurgling Jacuzzi - it's broken-down genius Bob Dylan.

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# That's right, must be Santa

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# Must be Santa

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# Must be Santa, Santa Claus... #

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That was Bob Dylan with Must Be Santa, but how has a Portaloo landed him in trouble?

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A Portaloo and Dylan?

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Who sounds like he's in a Portaloo most of the time.

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Neeeeeh. Eehhhrr!

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Phwoar!

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That's funny!

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He's a notorious non-flusher.

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It's not that far off.

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He's coming out, he sees you, he goes, "I'd give it five minutes."

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If you go in and you see Dylan's, you know...

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-Leavings?

-Yes.

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..would you...

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I wouldn't... I personally wouldn't photograph just anyone's,

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but Dylan's and Mur's.

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Isn't there a website called ratemypoo.com or something?

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-Yes, there is.

-Called what? Rape My Poo?

-Rate My Poo.

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Get off this quiz!

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Dirty boy!

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-I just said I heard.

-Oh, you heard.

-I heard.

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Yes, like you "heard" about the magazines in the bushes.

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-So how did a Portaloo get him into trouble?

-Come on, B.

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-He probably had workers there.

-Workers where?

-I did the same thing recently.

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You've done the same thing recently?

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Builders, you know when you're...

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How do say that word? Revenovating.

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-Revenovating?

-How do you say it?

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-Renovating.

-Renovating your house.

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So I did that in part of my house and I didn't want all the 20 workers pooing in my loo.

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-Why not?

-They take turns, they don't all go at once!

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I got a Portaloo so that the 20 builders could poo in the Portaloo.

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That's what I think happened.

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He inspired the ire of his neighbours by having a Portaloo on the Dylan property.

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You are correct.

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See?!

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Bob Dylan's neighbours have complained to the council

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over the stench coming from a Portaloo on his property.

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One even set up industrial fans to blow the smell back at him.

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It seems strange that he's got an outside toilet,

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but then Mel B is from Leeds,

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so she was 32 before she had an indoor shit.

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-What does that mean?

-I don't know, these are for Shakira.

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OK, some of my happiest memories with Papa Shakira back home in the village

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and when the locals were divided into teams and crudely interpret the beginning of pop songs.

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Let me now transport you back to that happy time

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as we play the Intros round, or Los Introduciones Redondos.

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RECORDING PLAYS

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Noel and Ollie, here are yours for Peter.

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OK, are you ready for this?

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When I asked you if you like music, you suggested Celine Dion earlier on, so I was a little terrified.

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You can beatbox, can't you, Olly?

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-I can do a bit of beatboxing.

-Are you going to beatbox on your new album?

-No.

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I think you're missing a trick there.

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What's beatbox?

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Don't tell him, sell it to him.

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You've really put me on the spot.

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Dragon's Den. I'll be Bannantyne or whatever is called, the grumpy Scots one.

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How much money do you...?

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-Come on!

-Do you really want me to beatbox?

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-Yes.

-All right, this is my rendition of Billie Jean, Michael Jackson.

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-All right?

-All right.

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HE MIMICS THE DRUMS AND CYMBALS

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HE ADDS IN THE BASS LINE

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HE BRINGS IN THE MELODY

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm in.

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Yeah, they're clapping now, ratemypoo.com.

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Dirty boy!

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-That was brilliant.

-Is that the one?

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No.

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That one's Billie Jean.

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One, two... You do it, go on.

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Four, three, two, one.

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OLLY BEATBOXES DRUMS AND CYMBALS

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SINGING BASS LINE: # Doo-doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo...

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MORE MELODICALLY: # Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo. #

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You got any ideas?

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Yes, I have. I've got a feeling it's...

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I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash.

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Yes!

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That'll do. Absolutely, and here is how it should have sounded.

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That's very good.

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MUSIC: I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash

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HE MIMICS DRUM BEAT

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# I keep a close watch... #

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Do the next bloody song.

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-Do you know this one?

-Yes, I do.

-Let's hear it.

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Right. One, two, three, four.

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# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Dabuh-dabuh, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum

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BOTH: # Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da

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# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da

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# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum... #

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Don't do the hands thing, it puts him off. It's like something from the 1930s.

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# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da... #

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-I know this.

-Ooh!

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I just don't know what it's called.

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The band's name is two ladies and...

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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What?! ..and something they do.

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Oh, my God!

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-Something that two women do.

-Yes, something that they do.

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When they like each other.

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-That's a good clue.

-That is a really good clue if you're a lesbian.

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You weren't a lesbian in the Spice Girls, were you?

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Maybe a little bit.

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IN NORTHERN ACCENT: Whose turn is it to be a lesbian today?

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What about a rota, like washing-up?

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We're going to have to send it across, you guys, because the sun's starting to come up.

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-Well, the name of the band in your lady-reference is Scissor Sisters.

-That is correct.

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-Is it Laura?

-That is 100% correct

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and this is how it should have sounded.

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MUSIC: Laura by Scissor Sisters

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# Daduh-daduh-daduh da-da-da

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# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-boo-boo... #

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# Laura, can't you give me... #

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That was the Scissor Sisters with Laura.

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The Scissor Sisters are named after a sexual position.

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Interestingly, Dragon's Den is also one of Peter's favourite sexual positions.

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You go in 15%, but only if Theo will come in with you.

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You also heard Walk The Line by Johnny Cash.

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The Jonas Brothers recently announced that they are recording an album of Johnny Cash covers.

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They plan to mark the release by completing the job and actually pissing on his grave.

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That's brilliant, that won't go in, though.

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I'd say you're pretty... Ooh!

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CLATTERING

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It's fine, everyone.

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That's called a cup-and-down, and it's an idea I had for,

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say you're slightly clumsy with tea and whatnot, just straight back to you.

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Just a pretty good idea, I think.

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-What do you think of it?

-That's stupid, isn't it?

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It's a comedy show, Peter. I'm not really trying to pitch you real inventions!

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-I like that, can I keep that?

-Yeah. I'll give it to you.

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Now I'll take it back!

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Phil and Mel, here are yours for Joe.

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-OK?

-Yeah.

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You're going to count in.

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You're quite bossy, aren't you?

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One, two, three, four.

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-# Bring...

-Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum

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-# Ding...

-Da-na-now-now-now-now

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-# Boom-cckk, boom-cckk...

-No-no-no-no-no Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

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-# Boom-cckk, boom-cckk...

-Do-do-do do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

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-# Boom-cckk, boom-cckk...

-Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do

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# Boom-cckk! #

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-It's good.

-Is that good?

-Yeah, that is pretty good, yes.

-Ah, shit.

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Is it clue time?

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-They're a band.

-Oh, hello.

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And the song title is just numbers.

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Is it the Strokes song?

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Whoa! What's it called?

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Is it my pin number?

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I don't know your pin number.

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5454.

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-No.

-To genuinely is. I wish I hadn't done that.

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I'm really muggable as well.

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It is not, it's 12:51 by The Strokes and this is how it should have sounded.

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MUSIC: 12:51 by The Strokes

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-That was very good.

-Yeah.

0:18:540:18:56

See, we're good!

0:18:560:18:58

12:51.

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I got confused between numbers and time.

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Let's have another intro, please.

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One, two, three, four.

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# Un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh Buh-un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh

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# Un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh Buh-un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh...

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# Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin

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# Wumbah-umbah-umbah

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-# Wumbah-umbah-umbah

-Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin. #

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Come on!

0:19:290:19:31

I feel like a headmaster interceding between an argument

0:19:310:19:34

between a very stroppy mother and a really unhappy geography teacher.

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-Not even a clue, sorry.

-A clue would be, not me, but the person who was supposed to be doing this.

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-You've just told him!

-So I take it it is Shakira song?

0:19:460:19:50

-Correct.

-Well...it's all up here.

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-What does Shakira sing about? Nature.

-A peregrine falcon.

0:19:530:19:56

Wrong. That was She Wolf by Shakira, and this is how it should have sounded.

0:19:560:20:02

-See how good it was?

-Yeah, that was brilliant.

0:20:020:20:05

We also heard The Strokes with 12:51.

0:20:150:20:18

Incidentally, that's how much a signed Hamfatter album

0:20:180:20:21

would cost, assuming, of course, they throw in a free £12.50.

0:20:210:20:26

I tell you what, I'm bringing this band back now.

0:20:280:20:32

I'm sure they will be in the line-up soon enough.

0:20:320:20:36

At the end of that round, the scores are Noel on two points,

0:20:360:20:42

Phil also on two points.

0:20:420:20:44

I remember back in Colombia, Papa Shakira would supplement his income appearing in

0:20:530:20:59

police line-ups alongside dangerous drug barons and political kidnappers.

0:20:590:21:03

Let me now transport you back to that happy time as we play the Identity Parade.

0:21:030:21:08

RECORDING PLAYS

0:21:090:21:12

Noel, Peter, and Olly, how about some Scottish indie pop? For the audience only, here is Bis.

0:21:150:21:23

# Sugar, sugar, kandy pop Push it down and pull it up

0:21:230:21:26

# Sugar, sugar, kandy pop Just don't let the music stop

0:21:260:21:29

# Oh, oh, oh

0:21:290:21:31

-# Kandy pop!

-Oh, oh, oh

0:21:310:21:34

# Kandy pop!

0:21:340:21:35

-# Oh, oh, oh

-Kandy pop!

0:21:350:21:38

-# Oh, oh, oh

-Kandy pop! #

0:21:380:21:40

That was Bis with Kandy Pop, but which one of our line-up is singer Manda Rin?

0:21:420:21:47

Is it number one, Mandarin,

0:21:470:21:50

number two, Manda Holden,

0:21:500:21:52

number three, Manda Lifeboat, Skipper,

0:21:520:21:56

number four, Manda Write These Crappy Jokes,

0:21:560:21:59

or number five Man, Dats A Handy Whiteboard Hat?

0:21:590:22:04

Noel's team, any ideas?

0:22:060:22:07

Number four is wearing a different colour dress, maybe it's her.

0:22:090:22:13

All right, Columbo?

0:22:130:22:14

MIMICKING COLUMBO: Ma'am, when you came in to the line-up, ma'am,

0:22:170:22:20

-you had a red dress on, ma'am. No, it's...

-She's changed it.

0:22:200:22:23

She's also the only one standing with her feet properly.

0:22:230:22:27

-That's how you should really stand if you're lady.

-When was Manda Rin around?

0:22:270:22:31

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:22:310:22:33

We're not saying the other four aren't ladies, I can

0:22:330:22:36

tell you're not guys dressed up, but...

0:22:360:22:39

Oh, no...

0:22:410:22:42

Peter, what was the shittest job you have ever had?

0:22:420:22:47

-The worst job?

-Yeah, well that's what I meant, shittest.

0:22:470:22:50

It's a turn of phrase we have in Ireland meaning worst.

0:22:500:22:54

-Probably doing door work and having all the abuse.

-You were a bouncer?!

0:22:540:23:01

-Are you handy in a fight?

-Yes.

-You can breathe fire, right?

0:23:010:23:04

I can breathe fire.

0:23:050:23:07

What's the worst job you ever had?

0:23:070:23:09

Mel, have you ever had a horrific job?

0:23:090:23:12

Not really. I've worked at Pizza Hut but I enjoyed that, lovely pizza.

0:23:120:23:16

Is that after or before the Spice Girls?

0:23:160:23:19

APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:25

So who do you reckon it is?

0:23:250:23:27

-Number two.

-I'd say three.

0:23:270:23:30

Fielding, what's your final answer?

0:23:300:23:32

Two. Let's find out, would the real Manda Rin please step forward?

0:23:320:23:38

Now, performing and recording as a solo artist, Manda Rin, ladies and gentlemen.

0:23:440:23:49

Phil, Joel, and Mel, what about some home-grown heavy metal?

0:23:560:24:00

For the audience only, here is Iron Maiden.

0:24:000:24:03

# Women in uniform Sometimes they look so cold

0:24:030:24:07

# Women in uniform But, ooh, they feel so warm

0:24:070:24:12

# Women in uniform Women in uniform

0:24:120:24:16

# Women in uniform Women in uniform. #

0:24:160:24:20

That was Iron Maiden with Women In Uniform, but which of our line-up is guitarist Dennis Stratton?

0:24:200:24:27

Is it number one, Iron Maiden,

0:24:270:24:30

number two, Fair Maiden,

0:24:300:24:33

number three, Mer-Maiden,

0:24:330:24:36

number four, Maid In Taiwan,

0:24:360:24:39

or number five, Maid In A Laboratory?

0:24:390:24:43

I think number five is kind of quite cute.

0:24:430:24:46

He's got abs, he's got that long hair that can swing around.

0:24:460:24:49

I don't think number four was in Iron Maiden, I think he's just come out of a defrosted iceberg.

0:24:530:24:58

Any ideas who?

0:25:000:25:04

PANPIPES

0:25:040:25:07

That sound means it's time to play a game that has been specially prepared for me, Shakira.

0:25:110:25:17

I famously once sang that my hips don't lie, but was I telling the truth?

0:25:180:25:24

Let's find out now as we play My Hips Don't Lie - Or Do They?

0:25:240:25:30

Underneath all of these flaps are facts about nature,

0:25:390:25:45

a subject close to my tiny Colombian heart.

0:25:450:25:50

All you have to do is tell me whether they're true or false.

0:25:500:25:55

Phil's team, you get the first pick.

0:25:550:25:58

-OK. Go on, Mel, pick a number.

-Number two.

-Number two.

0:25:580:26:02

I once sang the lyric, "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble

0:26:020:26:05

"so you don't confuse them with mountains."

0:26:050:26:07

But true or false, the Colombian mountain lion is the only other animal that celebrates birthdays?

0:26:070:26:14

-I'll have to hurry you.

-Go on, go false, David.

0:26:160:26:20

Yes, of course it's false!

0:26:200:26:22

They do celebrate Pancake Day, though.

0:26:250:26:28

Pick a number.

0:26:280:26:30

Can I have the third flap?

0:26:300:26:34

I once had a smash hit with the pop song Underneath My Clothes.

0:26:340:26:39

Underneath my clothes, I am a human female...

0:26:390:26:43

but if I was a male whale, my wanger would be called a dork,

0:26:430:26:49

-true or false?

-True.

0:26:490:26:51

That is bloody true.

0:26:510:26:53

-Who bloody used to be in Iron Maiden?

-It's two or three, go with two.

0:26:590:27:05

Let us find out. Would the real Dennis Stratton please step forward?

0:27:050:27:09

-It's three, it's three.

-It's two.

0:27:090:27:11

-Ah!

-Ah!

0:27:110:27:13

Now touring in the UK and Europe, Dennis Stratton, ladies and gentlemen.

0:27:130:27:18

When I was an even littler girl, Papa Shakira taught me one thing -

0:27:270:27:32

one line of a pop song should always be followed by another line.

0:27:320:27:36

Join me now as I transport you back to that happy time as we play the Next Lines.

0:27:360:27:42

Phil's team, you are up first.

0:27:420:27:45

What have I done to you...

0:27:450:27:49

..lately.

0:27:470:27:49

No.

0:27:490:27:51

Very embarrassing - to make you sex a lot.

0:27:510:27:53

Melanie Brown featuring Missy Elliott, I Want You Back.

0:27:530:27:57

Oh, fuck!

0:27:570:27:58

I should have known that!

0:28:010:28:03

There's a she-wolf in your closet...

0:28:030:28:08

..keep it away from your knickers.

0:28:060:28:08

Let it out so it can breathe.

0:28:080:28:10

Shakira, She Wolf.

0:28:100:28:11

Hey, Joe...

0:28:110:28:15

..where are you going with that gun in your hand?

0:28:120:28:15

Correct, Jimi Hendrix, Hey Joe.

0:28:150:28:17

Hey, man, lose that frown...

0:28:170:28:19

get yourself a cup-and-down.

0:28:190:28:22

Don't be a twat...

0:28:240:28:27

get yourself a whiteboard hat.

0:28:270:28:29

Noel's team, you now need three correct answers to win.

0:28:370:28:41

Let's have a bit of fun, you guys, don't take it too seriously, Peter.

0:28:410:28:45

Puff the Magic Dragon...

0:28:450:28:49

..lived by the sea.

0:28:480:28:49

Correct. Peter, Paul and Mary.

0:28:490:28:51

A bloody mess of broken dreams is lying scattered on the floor...

0:28:510:28:56

-Oh, that's Hamfatter.

-Yes, it is!

0:28:560:28:59

Is this the way we are going to be...

0:29:020:29:05

can I have £1 million to develop my whiteboard hat?

0:29:050:29:07

Well, that's been a bit of fun. The results of tonight's proceedings

0:29:180:29:22

are Phil's team have seven points, Noel's team have seven points also.

0:29:220:29:28

APPLAUSE

0:29:280:29:30

It's a tie. Thank you to Noel, Olly, and Peter,

0:29:300:29:34

Phil, Joe, and Mel.

0:29:340:29:37

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

0:29:370:29:39

I've been Shakira. Goodnight.

0:29:390:29:42

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:520:29:56

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:560:30:02

This time the show is hosted by David O'Doherty, with team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus, plus guests Mel B, Olly Murs, Peter Jones and Joe Wilkinson.