Episode 6 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Hello, and welcome to the show. I'm Tim Minchin.

As a comedian who plays music,

you'd think I'd be the perfect host on Buzzcocks,

but I've realised all you need to do

is wear mascara and read an Autocue.

Sadly, I never learned to red.

On Phil's team tonight...

This show has been accused of booking guests

merely as targets for jokes.

I thought I'd make it a target-free show until I heard this guy was on.

Front man for Roll Deep, our target for the week, DJ Target.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Everybody wants to rule the world... #

He's not here to talk about the past or hark back to former glories.

He's far too busy promoting his new album of '80s covers.

It's Jason Donovan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# So glad we've almost made it... #

And on Noel's team...

# And now we're through... #

She's a kooky singer-songwriter,

famed for her kooky style and kooky charm.

Here to provide kookiness,

lead kook from The Kooks, it's Paloma Faith.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There's a little-known law of physics

that if you book one obscure poetical comedian called Tim,

you have to book a second to ensure you don't open up a wormhole

and suck your panel show into another dimension.

Please welcome the safety Tim, poet and genius Tim Key.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, we begin with Guess Who.

Phil, Target and Jason, look at this.

# I'll be your sexual freak of the week... #

A man who paid a high price

when his three passions - cannabis, driving and amateur photography - collided,

he's Britain's highest-charting stunt driver, George Michael.

# I'm bringing sexy back... #

Yeah, yeah, Timberlake,

you can be a heartthrob, pop star, dancer and actor.

But until you've starred in an Iceland commercial,

you'll only every be a poor man's Jason Donovan.

It's Justin Timberlake.

That was Justin Timberlake with Sexy Back

and George Michael with Freeek.

But whose music proved successful in encouraging sharks to mate?

Aren't sharks enough bother already without them being horny as well?

They'll bite your leg off,

and the last thing you want is them having a little fiddle as well.

More people get killed by bees every year than sharks.

But sharks have the statistical advantage

of not being where we are nearly all the time.

-We eat shark in Australia. As you'd know, Tim.

-Yeah.

Fish and chips is primarily made of it, rather than cod.

It's called "flake" in Australia.

-Is flake shark?

-Flake is shark, yeah.

-What does it taste like?

-It tastes like shark.

-That's amazing!

-It's quite tough.

Chicken. Everything tastes like chicken.

To sharks.

Except for After Eights.

Which taste like mint chicken.

I hope the Colonel's not watching. He'll think, "Ooh, there's a trick I've missed!"

Can I ask Phil, did you use to look like George Michael in that video?

He doesn't look dissimilar to you in that red...

I think you'll find I look like him right now.

What, in jail?

Worried, and a bit puzzled.

Do this for me.

That's him. That's the fella.

I can imagine him in the shower room

and a shark coming up to him going, "I think you've dropped your soap."

You'd better hope it's a dolphin,

so it can stick the soap in the blowhole and make a getaway.

Ah, soapy blowholes! Anyway...

I know it's your first time hosting,

but one of the things you must do is steer it away from shark rape.

-As and when it comes up.

-Just let me write that down. No...

No shark rape.

So, Timberlake, Sexy Back.

-Has he got a sexy back?

-He's got a hairy back.

-We might call our album that.

-What, Hairy Back?

-Hairy Back.

Why did you call yourself Target?

-It's a terrible idea, coming on the show.

-It is.

-Was DJ Victim taken?

-Somebody phoned and said, "Victim is taken. You have to think of another name."

-Does anyone know your songs?

-Hopefully.

-Any good?

-They are.

-Why are you so crap, Target?

-Sorry. He's a target.

-TWANG!

-Can I get one of those?

-Nope.

It's weird because it doesn't necessarily work...

-No. Oh, dear me.

-TWANG!

-Ah! There you go.

-Absolute nightmare.

You're in a terrible position, Target.

-I want to hear an answer.

-Got to definitely go with...

-George Michael.

-George Michael makes sharks hornier than Justin Timberlake?

-Yes.

You are wrong.

Research by Sea Life in Germany

shows that sharks are more likely to mate

when they hear the music of Justin Timberlake.

This was sold as research to encourage shark reproduction,

but we all know this is another example of Germany's obsession with exotic pornography.

I've not seen the video Two Sharks, One Hook.

But we all love milf.com - you know, "manatees I'd like to fin".

Noel, Paloma and Tim, take a look at this.

# Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive... #

Things are hotting up for this band.

They're down to the last two,

though Maurice will probably struggle with the live shows.

It's the Bee Gees.

# For some reason I can't explain... #

A band who have the temerity to be popular.

How dare you aspire to greater things

when there's a spiteful pop quiz

that wants to relentlessly take the piss out of you?

It's Noseplay - I mean Coldplay.

That was Coldplay with Viva La Vida,

and the Bee Gees with Staying Alive.

But whose music is used by doctors to help them revive patients?

The Bee Gees or Coldplay?

They should probably try other methods first.

I'm slightly concerned

about the fact that the Bee Gees are saying "staying alive".

-Is that supposed to be...

-Ironic? Yeah.

I think doctors find that, if they really annoy their patients with their sarcasm,

they tend to wake up.

But what if it doesn't work,

and then they know that they've played Staying Alive all in vain?

I don't know that. I do know I've got a present for you under my hat.

-And it's some plastic spiders.

-Yay!

We don't have enough mascots on this show

so I thought we could all have one.

-I would like to give you a present.

-Don't you think Noel and Paloma are just so cute?

-Hang on a minute!

-Just as a couple, I mean.

This is just to prompt your memories. Hit it.

KYLIE: # I wanna show you

# My heart is oh so true

# And all the love I have is especially for you... #

-I've got a present for Noel.

-You've got a present for Noel?

Is it a sort of sharky present?

It's a fry-up on a ring.

-Of course it is!

-So with this ring, I thee wed.

Holy shit! It's like Jason and Kylie all over again!

Since the last show, I've basically...

Noel doesn't know this but I've been sat in a tree in his garden

since the last show.

I was wondering who that was.

And I've been filming everything he does.

I just want to ask, the hat, how is it secured?

Is it like a pin underneath,

or has someone hit the peg in with a hammer?

-With a hammer.

-It's one of Tim's arrows.

-Oh, no!

-TWANG!

I think this is a good time to bring out my clue.

Do you want me to be mean about Coldplay like I always am?

I don't know about that.

-Chris Martin's a Scientologist.

-Is he?

-No.

Get yourself out of that one!

Actually, that would turn me, but I still wouldn't hate their music.

-Have you got a joke, Tim?

-Yeah, I think I might have.

I don't know whether Coldplay could revive someone from...

if they were almost going to die, but...

but...

but certainly, in some situations,

it might help if you have a cold play Coldplay.

That's just Coldplay word play. It's bad.

I genuinely thought I had a joke.

LAUGHTER

If I was dying, though, and I woke up and Coldplay was playing,

I would kill myself.

-You're angry about Coldplay.

-All right, Columbo! I know I am!

Who sold more records, you or Coldplay?

Definitely Coldplay.

-Or Kylie Minogue?

-Definitely Kylie Minogue.

-Do you miss her, Jason?

-Deeply. Yeah.

-Are you still friendly?

-Yeah, yeah. Very close.

-Can we do a duet?

-Do you want to give her a call?

-LAUGHTER

Do you really have Kylie's number?

-Tell me honestly.

-No, he doesn't. He's pretending.

He's holding on to the past.

Let it go. You've got Kerry Katona.

I have, actually.

What's happening?

-What are these dummies made for?

-Practising CPR.

-Practising CPR.

I think Bee Gees is too ironic, and I think CP stands for Coldplay.

-Coldplay.

-Coldplay.

-They have answered Coldplay. And your answer is... wrong.

-No!

The Bee Gees song, Staying Alive, has a similar number of beats per minute

to the recommended pace of CPR,

so has been used to train student doctors.

OK, look. If you were a doctor

who happened to be a little bit on the "love of disco" side,

you might choose to go...

-FALSETTO:

-# You can tell by the way I use my walk

-# I'm a woman's man No time to...

-HE EXHALES

# Music loud and women warm... #

You've got to be careful because you can get confused by...

# Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' alive

# Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' ali-i-i-ive

# Stayin' alive! #

-Tim, that was beautiful.

-Thank you.

You've definitely won the nation's hearts.

And at the end of that round, the scores are -

Phil's team on 0 and Noel's team on 0.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Next up, it's the Intros round.

Phil and Target, these are yours for Jason Donovan.

And there's a bit of a departure from normal procedure.

This is called an Idiot Australian Cabaret Musician card,

which you can choose to play, Jason, at any time if you're stuck.

You love it.

One, two, three, four. Two, two, three, four.

MIMICS ELECTRONIC NOTES

TARGET JOINS IN

# Mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss...

# Da-da rum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-bum

# Mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss

# Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-bum

-# Mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss

-It's good.

# Ba-ba bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-bum... #

Modern?

No, it's actually a '30s classic(!)

-The Saturdays?

-No!

I'm going to play the card.

ALL CHEER

HE PLAYS MELLOW INTRODUCTION

-JASON:

-Wow. Coldplay?

HE PLAYS MORE JAUNTILY

PHIL HUMS ALONG

Sing the words!

# Around the world Around the world... #

-Yes!

-Say it out loud.

-All Around The World!

-Whoo!

# Around the world Around the world

# Around the... #

You are correct! Here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Around The World" by Daft Punk

# Around the world Around the world

# Around the world Around the world... #

Can I blow my nose? I've got a bit of a cold at the moment.

Everyone...will think I'm back on the bizzo.

LAUGHTER

One, two, three, four.

# Dink-a-dink dink, dink dink Dink-a-dink dink, naw naw naw

# Dah dah dah-dah dah dah

# Too many dreams can be broken in two... #

Come on, play this, Tim.

-Play this.

-Oh, I don't know this song.

LAUGHTER

Jason knows this. You were less likely to hear it in Australia.

-It was never big in Australia.

-No. We export this shit.

Well, what was the song, Jason? We haven't heard.

Too Many Broken Hearts - thank you very much - by myself.

You are correct, Jason Donovan!

And this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Too Many Broken Hearts" by Jason Donovan

You never did that. I'm sorry I left.

We've only been married half an hour, you dick!

To move straight in on my wife - what's wrong with you?

You look like Pan, but that's not an excuse either,

you stinking goat in a waistcoat.

This is the only episode where I could imagine a full orgy happening in the green room after.

Donovan will be wearing Tim's cardi, my top hat

and nothing else.

Not all trussed up like you, you nonce.

So that was Jason Donovan with Too Many Broken Hearts.

Jason was invited back for the Neighbours 25th anniversary special

but declined, saying his career had moved on since then.

HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY

Come on, Jason. We all know that for 100 quid, you'd have dressed up as Bouncer.

LAUGHTER

And we heard Daft Punk with Around The World.

The song Around The World features the same lyric 143 times.

It's even more repetitive than this sound.

-AS JASON:

-Hello, Kylie? Please pick up.

It's me again.

Just call? Please, just call?

Just call? Please, just call?

Noel and Paloma, here are your intros for Tim.

And, Tim, this is your picture of my face in case you can't guess one

and you want me to bugger it up on the piano.

-Adopt the position.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

# Bom bom bom

# Bom bom bom bom-ba-bom

-# Brrring

-# Bom bom bom

# Bom bom bom bom-ba-bom

-# Brrring

-# Bom bom bom

# Bom bom bom bom-ba-bom

# Brrring Chink-chink chink chink chink chink

# Chicka-chink Chicka-chink-chink-chink

# Chicka-chicken-and-chick Chicka-chick, daw daw

BOTH: # Chicken and chips Chicken and chips... #

LAUGHTER

# Chicken and chips, chicken and chips. #

I don't know the answer to this one.

Can we throw it to the more knowledgeable team?

You can throw it all you want. We've not got a scooby.

-No-one knows it. It's Talking Heads, "Psycho Killer".

-Oh, God!

And this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads

-I've heard that song.

-Brrring!

-No, it's coming.

Chicken and chips. Wait for chicken and chips.

BOTH: # Chicken and chips Chicken and chips

# Chicken and chips. #

That's not chicken and chips. It's...

HE CLUCKS IN RHYTHM

# I can't seem to face up to the facts... #

Who's that? Who's that?

-Paloma and Noel.

-Hi, Tim.

-Hi.

Would you please do another introduction for Tim Key?

If you don't get this, you're a tosser.

One, two, three, four.

# Dar dar dar dar dar Nar-nar nar nar

# Dar dar dar dar dar Nar-nar nar nar

-# Dar dar dar dar dar

-# Ba-da-da ba-da, ba-da-da ba-da

# Nar nar nar nar nar Nar-nar nar nar... #

Yeah, yeah, all right. Yeah.

This idea of getting me playing piano in a smoke machine has really worked well(!)

-HE PLAYS

-Beat It.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're right, Tim Key. That was Beat It by Michael Jackson.

This is how, ideally, it would have sounded.

MUSIC: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson

-Wow!

-It's exactly the same.

HE HUMS ALONG TO INTRO

-JACKSON:

-# They told him don't you ever come around here

# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba... #

So that was Michael Jackson with Beat It.

Unfortunately, our lawyers vetoed all the jokes we wrote about Michael Jackson,

but have helpfully provided us with some of their own.

So here we go.

Why did Michael Jackson like Coca-Cola?

Because he was the King of Pop.

What is Michael Jackson's favourite type of film?

A thriller.

Why did Michael Jackson face a series of child molestation accusations?

Because they were falsely levelled at him

and he was later found innocent in a court of law.

And Psycho Killer by Talking Heads.

Talking Heads got their name from an old TV show.

Similarly, Roll Deep toyed with calling their band Deal Or No Deal.

-Though, sadly for us, the record company opted for Deal.

-SILENCE

That was pretty poor.

-Tim...

-Go on.

-Give the bow and arrow to Target.

-Tim...

-TWANG!

Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Phil, Target and Jason, how about some naughty spun pop?

For the audience only, here is Uniting Nations.

# If I gave you my loving would you take it?

# If I opened my heart would you turn the key?

# Cos I knew from the start, baby, we could make it

# We could make it together, you and me

# Yeah, you and me

# You and me... #

That was Uniting Nations with You And Me.

But which of our line-up is singer Craig Powell?

Is it number one, You And Me?

Number two, You And Me Have Got A Lot In Common?

Number three, You And Me Could Have Been Amazing Together?

Number four, There Is No You And Me?

Or number five, You And Me - Outside - Right Now?

-It's number two or four.

-Two or four?

-Definitely.

Striking one completely out?

He looks like he could've grown his hair since the band dismembered.

Dismembered?!

What kind of band were you?!

Then it's number one if they were dismembering people!

Number five is Mayor of London.

-Number three looks angry.

-Yeah, because he works on the show.

-Maybe it is number three.

-It's not. He works on the show.

He used to work in Boots, the chemist.

Number one is wearing boots.

He's one of those tricky people, the sort you see on the Tube,

and you follow him a bit impishly thinking, "She might be nice."

Number one, can you turn around and face the back, please?

And then to have her turn around...

-That's a bad result.

-Yes.

Four's very smiley and moving his legs a lot.

-And his hands.

-Can't keep still.

So why isn't it two, Donovan?

You said two or four. Why isn't it two?

-It's got to be four.

-But why is it two or four?

Because it's a pop...

Because number three WORKS ON THE SHOW!

LAUGHTER

Number four. Let's say number four.

Would the real Craig Powell please step forward?

-JASON:

-Yay!

APPLAUSE

Now recording as a solo artist, Craig Powell, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Noel, Paloma and Tim, what about some angry young men from the '80s?

For the audience only, here is Cockney Rejects.

-PUNK STYLE:

-# I'm forever blowing bubbles

# Pretty bubbles in the air

# They fly so high

# They nearly reach the sky

# Then just like my dreams they fade and die... #

Cockney Rejects with I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.

But which of our line-up is bassist Vince Riordan?

Is it number one, Blowing Bubbles?

Number two, Blowing His Big Chance?

Number three, Blown Away By The Quality Of The Line-up?

Number four, Blowing His £80 Fee On Haribo And Special Brew?

Or number five, Blow Me, It's The Bloke From Cockney Rejects?

Noel's team, have a stab.

I like the third one. He looks like...

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-He's ready to have it!

The problem is you've chosen five people I'd be scared to tease.

I might go over there and see which one smells of crab sticks.

While you're going over there...

He works for the Government

and he's not allowed to disclose the location.

Oh, that's helped.

-Tim, that must have cleared it up for you, right?

-Yeah, it's four.

-Put your top hat on one.

-OK.

No.

-Can you try it on number three, Noel?

-Number three?

Wow.

Number three's got natural teeth.

This is not going to work for you fashion-wise, but...

That is brilliant!

Seriously.

I feel like Trinny and Susannah. I've completed your look.

Noel, we've narrowed it down to two of them.

-Really?

-We thought two or three, so we'll go for three.

Let's find out. Would the real Vince Riordan please step forward?

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Now working for the Government in an undisclosed location,

Vince Riordan, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, we end with Next Lines.

Phil's team are in the lead, so you go first.

"Check out the skirt on that."

"Nuff short, straight to the bar, tequila, lemon salt."

Oh, my God, you almost stuffed that up. Roll Deep, DJ Target.

"Too many broken hearts in the world."

-"So I won't give up the fight for you."

-That's not what I've got.

"There's too many, dreams can be broken in two."

I'll give you that, Jason. It's been a long time.

"Now have you heard of my friend Dawn?"

"She just nicked off with a bunch of prawns"?

"She just slipped off with a platter of prawns." Close enough.

Jason Donovan and Coleen Nolan from the Iceland advertisement.

"I should be so lucky."

"Lucky lucky lucky."

By the woman who rejected... Er, it's from Kylie Minogue.

Finish this one, please. "Hi. This is Kylie. Please leave a message."

LAUGHTER

"So, what are you wearing?"

BURST OF MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need six points to win. Your time starts...

Wait. I think we can do this but we need to be a bit more unified.

Capes on.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

"Ah, ah, ah, ah."

"Staying alive." The Bee Gees. Staying Alive.

"Around the world."

-"Around the world."

-"Around the world."

-"Around the world."

-Eighteenth line?

-ALL: "Around the world."

-Daft Punk. Around The World.

-"Around the world"?

-# Around the world, around the... #

Daft Punk. Around The World.

-"Around the world"?

-ALL: "Around the world."

This is like karaoke night at Guantanamo Bay!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"I counted to 100 and said, 'I'm coming!'

"But it was a trick. And she had left me."

Tim Key, poem 1,077.

"Noel and Paloma sitting in a tree."

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And the final scores are...

Noel's team on eight, Phil's team on seven!

Can you believe it?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks to Phil, Target and Jason,

Noel, Paloma and Tim.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

We're all off for an orgy in the green room in our pumpkin costumes.

You can go do whatever you like. Thank you. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]