Episode 7 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks

with the kingpin of the car game, the big dog pitbull,

your boy, Westwood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now I'm going to pimp the Buzzcocks Westwood style.

DRUM MACHINE

Thank you.

Now, riding out on Uncle Phill's team tonight...

He can't do backflips like Aston,

but he's the tallest one in JLS.

Tall enough to reach the top shelf at a service station.

He's JLS porn provider, my man Marvin.

She's an end-of-the-pier comedienne.

In fact, so far at the end, she fell off and broke her arm.

It's the finalist bird and comedienne, Holly Walsh.

And in Dr Noel's team...

He's the godfather of grime,

he's seen more grime than Amy Winehouse's downstairs flannel.

And that's nasty. It's my man Wiley. What's up? Good to have you here.

From the opera scene, where they don't rap the words, they sing them

like someone's grabbing their nutsack.

It's crazy, it'll never take off, here's Russell "The Voice" Watson!

APPLAUSE

So let's get it cracking with Round One.

# Woo! Woo! That's the sound of the police! #

You still here, Wiley? Now...

Uncle Phill...

Marvin and Holly, I want you to check this out.

# Baby, I like it The way you move on the floor

# Baby, I like it Come on and give me some more

# Oh, yes, I like it... #

Enrique Iglesias with I Like It.

But how did some water-skis get him in trouble with the Miami police?

Now, Uncle Phill, I know you've got Marvin here

and he is definitely in the top four of JLS.

But to be honest, he's not the full package.

So what we've got is a sub bench full of JLS.

Ladies, please!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic.

Now what's going to happen, when you hear this noise...

KLAXON

..there's going to be a substitution, not out of your choice.

Got to swap musical chairs, that's what's going to happen.

What happens if one of us sustains a serious injury?

-Do we get to sub with a member of JLS?

-Like falling off the end of a pier, love?

-How is your arm?

-It's a bit bent.

-A bit bent?

-Yeah.

Is it metal now?

It's largely metal, yeah.

You should have got a claw.

That's the NHS for you. If I'd gone private, I would have had a drill on my arm.

-That would be wicked.

-What actually happened to you? I don't understand. Were you pushed?

You know this Worthing Birdman Festival? People try and fly. I tried to do that.

-I was in a homemade helicopter...

-Unsuccessful?

Did not work out.

Do you know what, Wiley? The homemade ones usually are.

-Mr Iglesias. Know anything about him?

-I think he's quite attractive.

-What?!

I think he's quite attractive.

And also he's who I model my fringe on.

He actually sounded like he'd been sucking on helium before he did the performance.

-That's a specific tip a lot of pop stars use. That's right, yeah?

-Remarkable.

Performance-enhancing drugs amongst the pop music world is mainly helium and kick in the balls.

I go for the simple nut crush, it's much easier.

-Do you crush your own or do you have a roadie?

-I have an official nut crusher.

Do you know what's funny about this video? I don't know if you saw,

but there's a girl in this video in a pink bikini.

Oh, right. Her?

-Yes.

-She seems to be having a lovely time.

That girl there...

She was in our video, The Club Is Alive.

-There were loads of girls there and we had this professional pole-dancing girl, right?

-Where's this going now?

Director was like, "Any girls here that want to jump up on the pole..."

You've never seen someone move...

Maybe she just wants to be a fireman.

-JLS, I really respect your game at the moment, you've put out a range of condoms.

-Yes.

We launched our own charity, the JLS Foundation, so for us, young role models,

our demographic is between 16 and 24 so we thought we'd do something good and spread a good message.

So for a lot of young guys, when they lose their virginity,

the last face they see is yours.

I mean, I have my own range, you know I have my own range of condoms.

Of... OK.

Slap it up, there.

Do you know what? I think seeing your face is the best form of contraception.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Marvin, your girlfriend is Rochelle from The Saturdays.

-It is indeed.

-Have you ever had sex with an Aston condom on to give him a chance?

-Aston can create his own chances quite easily.

-With your girlfriend.

That'd be wrong, man.

There's enough Saturdays anyway, so Aston can...

That's the way to look at it!

They're like buses, another one will be along in a minute.

So what happened with Enrique Iglesias? Why did he get in trouble?

OK, so, Enrique Iglesias, obviously Spanish, during the World Cup,

made a bet with all of his mates in Miami and said,

"If Spain win the World Cup, I'll go on a Jet Ski naked...

-Yeah?

-"..through the beach in Miami."

Obviously Spain won the World Cup, police found out and then they said to him he couldn't do it.

And that is the right answer. Can we have a round of applause, please?

APPLAUSE

Enrique water-skied butt naked in celebration of Spain's World Cup win.

Back in 2008, Enrique appeared on Loose Women.

The women found it very moving - there wasn't a dry seat in the house.

KLAXON

Substitution change!

APPLAUSE

-Dr Noel...

-Hello.

-..Russell and my good man Wiley.

I want you to check this out.

# Papa's got a brand new bag... #

Since his death, his gutsy funk is now stronger than ever.

It's that dead soul guy, James Brown.

# Papa's got a brand new bag. #

James Brown with Papa's Got A Brand New Bag.

But what I want to know is why did he get in trouble with the law

at an insurance seminar back in 1988?

-Papa's got a brand new bag.

-He was early in the game.

We've got bags for life now, we don't need James Brown's.

He's unbelievable, isn't he? He wears capes, I love that, I like to wear a cape.

He's got pointy shoes. I think I might be trying to be the white James Brown.

-You've got the same hairstyle as James Brown as well. Back in the day.

-Who? Me?

-Yeah, you.

-That is a liberty.

That's like an auntie's hair, what are you on about?

I was out the other week, about a month ago,

and Noel Gallagher came up to me and went... I had a cape on and he went,

"It's not the fact you've got a fucking cape on, mate, it's the fact it's a Tuesday."

-If you look at us as a group of individuals, it's quite bizarre, really.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You mean where would these people ever have met?

-Exactly!

I know. It's quite weird, it's like we're different decades.

Different lifetimes!

-You look like my accountant.

-Thank you.

And his solicitor.

Can I say one thing? He looks like my lawyer.

Without fail.

You've got the same suit. Different tie.

You look like my mum.

His mum IS hot, shut your mouth.

Wiley, I heard you're scared of foxes, is this true?

-Oh, my God...

-You had a video, Wearing My Rolex, you didn't turn up cos there was foxes in it.

Do you know what it was, Tim? I actually saw the foxes

and I thought, "You know what? I'm going leave here and let the foxes do the video for me."

They looked better than me that day, they actually...

got styled better than I looked, so I let them do it for me.

Has that ever happened to you, JLS?

Has Louis ever made you do something that you didn't want to do?

-How did James Brown...

-I think I know this.

I think what happened was James Brown tried to do

an insurance job on his own place.

Set fire to his own cape and boots.

-Tried to get the money back on the insurance.

-That's what he's tried to do. He's sped off

-and he's on the chase.

-Yes?

-And then the police have shot his tyres out.

-Interesting.

-And they've gone on him. They went on him.

-Interesting Wiley thought of that one,

cos that's entirely wrong.

You got any ideas?

No. As his lawyer, I deny that accusation.

Was there a firearm involved in it?

Did he shoot a fox?

I'm going to have to tell you.

James Brown stormed out of the insurance seminar with a pistol and a shotgun,

complaining that someone had used his toilet without permission.

I don't blame him.

Stay off my throne, you suckers.

SILENCE

No-one's laughing, I don't understand.

LAUGHTER

-Am I losing my touch?

-I think they thought there was going to be an extra nugget on the end.

That was the fucking nugget...

If you put a sound effect on the end, we'd know it was the end,

and they'd just go for it.

It's because you've got off-beat timing.

In what way?

Just like normal comedians go, da-da-da-da-da-da...DA-DA!

You go, ba-do-di-ba-da-bo-da!

Next up, it's the Intros round!

Uncle Phill, I'm here to pimp your team, so I need the whole of JLS

to help you out, come up, guys.

I'm having my team pimped.

APPLAUSE

Good luck, guys.

That's for Phill.

Thank you. I have here a piece of paper from Tim Westwood.

You got enough help with you, have you?

Look at you, you're like Fagin up there.

-OK?

-Yep.

1, 2, 3, 4...

1... On 4!

I thought you were going to start with the bass. All right!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! (Fucking idiots!)

Here we go.

# Doo-di-di-doo di-di-doo-di-di-doo-di-di-doo...

# 1, 2, 3, 4!

-MIMICS TRUMPET

-# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do...do...do-do-do-do-do-do... #

I have no idea what Marvin's contribution to that was.

I was bass with Phil!

-I dunno.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

NOEL: Oh. I think I do know.

Shall I throw it over?

I know what it is but I can't remember what it's called.

It's Paolo Nutini, right?

Yeah?

SINGLE DRUMBEAT

It's about stationery.

Lead In My Pencil.

Exactly.

Lead In My Pencil.

I'm back in the game!

Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO "Lead In My Pencil" by Paolo Nutini

The next intro, please!

1, 2, 3, 4...

# Ba-bom ba-ba-bom

# Ba-bom ba-ba-bom

-HIGH-PITCHED, ASCENDING:

-# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

# ..bom-bom-bom...

-HIGH-PITCHED, DESCENDING:

-# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

# ..bom ba-bom-bom... #

Is it...erm...

Is it Grace Jones?

Is it pardon?

Is it Grace Jones?

N-n-not as such.

Oh, it's not, um... OK, it's not, then.

We're throwing it over.

It's Grandmaster Flash.

It's either The Message or Rapper's Delight.

So good!

DRUM BEATS

Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash

So that was Grandmaster Flash with The Message.

Grandmaster Flash is the reason I got into hip-hop.

If it wasn't for him, I could have been an assistant manager in a bank in Norwich.

I'd probably have a company car by now.

-Dr Noel.

-Hello.

Because Uncle Phill had JLS,

I've got something even better.

I've got Pat Sharp!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Russell!

What happened to the mullet?!

It was all business at the front and all party at the back!

-Now it's all business!

-DRUM BEATS

Pat's here to help you with the intros.

-Come on, Pat.

-Here is your intros.

-Thank you.

My pleasure.

You ready?

1, 2, 3, 4...

# Bloum, bloum

# Bloum-bloum-bloum-bloum

# Ahhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhh-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhh

-# Wak-wa-wa Wa-wa-waaa...

-Mm-mm-mm... #

Pat!

# Ahhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhh-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhh... #

Come on, Pat, join in, man! It's your last chance to save your career!

-# Waaaaa-wa-wa-wa-wa...

-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM! #

Oh, wow. Sorry.

# Ahhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhh-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhh... #

-That was a joke, Pat.

-SINGLE DRUMBEAT

-I'm lost. I'm lost.

-Are we throwing it over?

-Let him have a guess!

-Let me have one guess.

Let's Get Ready To Rumble!

Walsh knows.

I think it's The Specials.

Ghost Town?

Yes! Oh, she's good!

She is good.

This is how it should have sounded.

INTRO "Ghost Town" by The Specials

-I should've known that, shouldn't I?

-Listen...

# MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM! #

Can we have the next intro, please?

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-You look like you're about to do a best man's speech.

I'm ready.

1, 2, 3, 4.

I'd like to thank you all for coming this afternoon, specially the bride,

and the bridegroom, it's been an incredible day. We're all pissed and we're going home now. Thanks, bye.

1, 2, 3, 4.

-# Boo-boo-chh! Boo-boo-chh!

-BEEP!

-# Boo-boo-chh! Boo-boo-chh!

-BEEP!

-# Boo-boo-chh! Boo-boo-chh!

-BEEP!

-# Boo-boo-chh! Boo-boo-chh!

-BEEP!

-# Boo-boo-chh! Boo-boo-chh!

-BEEP!

-# Boo-boo-chh! Boo-boo-chh!

-BEEP! #

-Bass!

-# Mak-mak-ma!

It's not We Will Rock You, is it?

No. It could be in another lifetime.

We have got the three stages of Freddie Mercury here.

Hmmm... It's not Ant And Dec, is it?

OK. Are we going to pass it over?

We are passing it over.

Is it Cypress Hill?

You are so good, Holly, baby.

Insane In The Membrane.

Oh! She is so good! Here's how it should have sounded.

Make some noise for Holly!

INTRO "Insane In The Brain" by Cypress Hill

-# BEEP! #

-She's good if she got that. I'm not going to lie, she's good.

I'd like to say thank you to Pat Sharp.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Really good to see you, man.

-Good work.

-So that was Cypress Hill with Insane In The Brain.

We also heard Ghost Town by The Specials.

The band is still very relevant today.

Just ask Chris Moyles.

He loves hearing The Specials.

But then again, he loves most things on the menu.

LAUGHTER

NOEL: I like that joke.

No button for me.

I like Chris.

Really? SINGLE DRUMBEAT

-At the end of that round, Uncle Phill's team - 3!

-SINGLE DRUMBEAT

Dr Noel's team - 3!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Round Three is the Identity Parade. Uncle Phill,

what about some '70s progressive rock? For the audience only,

here is the Gordon Giltrap Band.

That was the Gordon Giltrap Band with Fear Of The Dark.

But which of our line-up is Gordon Giltrap?

Is it number one - Giltrap?

Number two - bear trap?

Number three - clap trap?

Number four - Von Trapp?

Or number five - shut your trap, I'm doing the ID Parade!

It's like a line-up for God!

KLAXON BLARES

Substitution, substitution, substitution!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think they look like a line-up of Father Christmases.

If you got number three, you would feel ripped off!

-I think it's...

-You look like Luna from the Harry Potter books, "Hello!"

-Luna Lovegood?

-You read Harry Potter?

-I read the Harry Potter books.

-Do all of you?

-Just JB!

Can we throw it to JB to identify...

He can only identify number two. He is obsessed with Harry Potter.

This is the thing I wasn't expecting to find out,

that he, when he's supposed to be using his own brand of condoms to pleasure the groupies

is actually going, "Oh, no! Dumbledore, I can't believe you did that!"

Number one is just staring me out.

It's just straight at me, he hasn't blinked once.

I'm going to try and take him off you.

Let's... Sub in, sub in! Sub in the stare!

-I think we've got him. I think it's five.

-Yeah, I think it's five.

-Five actually...

-He looks like he's made a lot of money and had a lot of prosperity and wealth.

Well, number five, even if it's not you, sir,

those young men think highly of you!

Number five please, big dog.

Let's find out - would the real Gordon Giltrap please step forwards?

Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With a joint album with Rick Wakeman out now,

Gordon Giltrap, ladies and gentlemen!

Rock on, dude!

-Dr Noel.

-Hello.

How about some '90s R&B?

For the audience only, here is Innocence.

# A natural thing

# I don't have to prove it

# A natural thing

# We're making out, we know we're right

# A natural thing

# Time is on our side

-# Coming on

-Keep coming on so strong. #

That was Innocence with Natural Thing.

But which of our line-up is singer Gee Morris?

Is it number one - Gee Morris?

Is it number two - F off.

Is it number three - Z-list?

Is it number four - C sharp?

Or is it number five - see Pat Sharp!

APPLAUSE

We've got to be sensible here, lads.

What do you mean - not pick number five?

It feels so right, though, to pick number five.

No matter what anyone says, I am going to say it's number five.

Russell, you've done plenty of duets in your time, haven't you?

-Yes, yes.

-Have you ever thought about teaming up with the king of grime?

-Yes.

-Dizzee Rascal.

-Yes.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Oooh!

SINGLE DRUMBEAT

-Would you do a...

-Four or two, it could be.

-What do you think?

-I think it's number five.

Would you do...

Believe it or not, back in 1999, I did a duet with Sean Ryder.

-Really?

-That was quite an experience.

I shouldn't say this, but I do occasionally do impersonations and...

-You do a Ryder?

-We actually... Yeah.

We actually struggled to get certain bits from him

so I did the vocals and his manager came up to us afterwards and he says,

"Tell you what - that's the best our Sean's sounded for about 10 years!"

Do Nessun Dorma as Sean Ryder.

I'll be Bez.

So it'll be something like -

-MANCUNIAN ACCENT:

-# Nessun dorma, nessun dorma

# Tu pure, o Principessa

# Nella tua fredda stanza. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic.

-Can we make a positive decision here?

-Five.

Are you... No, that weren't positive.

-Let's be sensible.

-All right.

-It's either four or two.

-Or five.

-Can I just remind you of the scores at this stage?

-Yeah, what are the scores?

-You are one behind.

-Really?

OK, number five.

It's what we call in the business an insistent gag.

It needs your button.

SINGLE DRUMBEAT

Number four!

-Are we saying four?

-Yeah, we are.

Let's find out. Would the real Gee Morris please put her best foot forward?

Go on, Pat!

Go on, Pat!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we're all looking forward to her new material -

out soon, probably next year.

Gee Morris, ladies and gentlemen.

So we end with Next Lines.

Noel's team, you are first!

SINGLE DRUMBEAT

And your time starts now.

Here's a little song I wrote.

You might want to sing it note for note.

Insane in the membrane.

Insane in the brain.

Interview on the TV, I'm laughing.

WILEY MUMBLES QUIETLY

Is this one yours?

All right. Interview on the TV, I'm laughing...

Interview on the TV, I'm laughing.

Might see me...uh...

I missed my own song, you're... Killing Me Softly!

-Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

-Yes!

-I'll make your...

-I'll make your household laugh when I do my casting.

Wiley with MJ Cole From The Drop.

Barcelona!

It was the first time that we met.

Number five, Pat Sharp.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Phill's team, you need four points to win,

three points to draw or two points to lose.

OK. Thanks for doing that. I'm going to play two subs now.

-KLAXON BLARES

-Can I sit in the middle?

I'm really shit at this, by the way.

Your time starts now.

-Is that your thing, to wear the hat?

-Yeah, do you like it?

-Yeah, I just didn't realise that was a thing.

-Oh, yeah.

-You know, it just gets me girls, you know?

-Really?

-WILEY:

-What's going on over there?

This is like every bus stop I was ever in.

I said, a hip-hop.

-ALL:

-Hip-hop.

The hippie to the hip, hip-hop.

You don't stop, you rock it to the bang bang...

Sugarhill Gang, Rapper's Delight.

Do you remember the good old days?

No.

The Specials, Ghost Town.

Day two, I can't help but think of you.

-Day two, can't...

-Was the same as day two. Day four, I fell in love with you.

-Thank you. But what happened to day three?

-Day three was the same as day two.

Oh, I though you were just saying that. JLS, Love You More.

Day four, I fell in love with you.

Day five, you spent it with me.

Sixth day, knocked me off my feet. Day seven...

You're taking my questions! JLS, Love You More.

-KLAXON BLARES

-Oh, change over. Sub, sub, sub!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

-Let's go, team. Oh!

The final scores -

-Uncle Phill's team - eight, sir.

-Thank you.

Dr Noel's team -

-seven.

-Oh, no!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Uncle Phill, Holly and JLS.

Not forgetting Dr Noel, Russell and my man, Wiley.

And, of course, number five - Pat Sharp!

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

We're out of here. One.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd