Episode 8 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Lee Mack.

Actually, it says "Return of the Mack", but I won't say that, cos I don't know what it means.

Oh well, here we go.

On Noel's team tonight...

# I like everybody... #

The front man of the Hoosiers, who recently said he didn't want

their second album to sound like their first.

We can all agree on that!

-It's Irwin Sparkes.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We never normally book reality stars on this show,

but every now and then, we find a diamond in the rough.

And then sometimes we're really stuck and have to book the rough.

From Pineapple Dance Studios, it's Andrew Stone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight...

a woman who proves that not winning the X Factor doesn't mean your career is over.

So if you're watching this, Journey South, Candy Rain,

Tappy, Eoghan Quigg, Same Difference,

the O'Connell Sisters, Dead Wife Guy and Singing Binman,

don't give up the dream. It's Diana Vickers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's a comedian who suffers from OCD,

so just to make you feel comfortable,

I think you may have left the taps on back in your flat.

It's Jon Richardson.

APPLAUSE

So, we begin with Don't You Know Who I Am?

Noel, Irwin and Andrew, take a look.

# Every little thing that you say or do... #

She's a pop sensation who constantly changes her image,

though she now seems to have settled on orphan-snaffling, navvy-armed corpse. It's Madonna.

# I'm fed up I'm tired of waiting on you Every little thing... #

That was Madonna, with Hung Up. But what did she insist on during a recent flight?

Was it that, A - she only be served food cooked by her personal, macro-biotic chef?

B - that she have two kabala rabbis and a replica of the Ark of the Covenant on board?

Or C - she got to do the safety demonstrations for the rest of the passengers? Noel's team...

I was going to say she looks a bit like a mum, but my mum's in tonight, so that sounds weird.

Does she look like A mum or YOUR mum?

-Just...mums in general.

-I'm not attacking. You look really defensive. I'm on your side.

What are you saying? That I fancy my own mum? That's weird!

Stop it!

-I fancy your mum.

-I know. You're a freak though.

-I like young ladies, but she's kind of doing it for me at 50.

-Really?!

I find someone who's that overtly sexual and has made a career

out of being that provocative really odd,

because I don't find her alluring.

-Really?

-Would you prefer it if she wore grey trousers and had a moustache?

It would be different.

-She got thrown off a horse, didn't she?

-Yeah.

What was she doing to it?

I think she said that paparazzi jumped out of a bush,

photographed her, and the horse stood up to get his photo taken.

She fell back into a bush and some wombles dragged her away.

They built a castle out of her leg-warmers.

I actually once... I used to work with horses,

-and I led a horse down the road...

-PHILL: Did it drink?

LAUGHTER

You know the horse's penis retracts, and when they have erections, they just come straight down and swing.

And it took out the wing mirror of a parked Ford Fiesta.

It did, honestly.

There is a phone call to the insurance I'd like to make!

We just covered mums and horse cocks in, like, two minutes!

-We just go straight in!

-Andrew, it says here that you have danced with Madonna.

I haven't danced with Madonna, no.

Oh, sorry, it says you've danced TO Madonna.

-Have you danced with Madonna?

-No. I've danced for Kylie.

-Kylie.

Also with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.

-Yeah.

-But it's not just women. You've also danced with Tina Turner.

-I've SUNG with...

I've sung with Tina Turner.

Were you both pissed at karaoke?

Were you singing with Tina before Starman or during...?

-Yeah, before I formed the group.

-Before the group.

-Does everybody know...Starman?

-Starman, yes.

-New album out soon?

-We're working on it - we've got a Christmas release.

-Is there a snowman in the video?

-Do you want to be in it?

-I'll be the snowman.

You would be the most terrifying snowman ever!

Standing at the back with an icy erection...

"It's a carrot!"

The kids will ask, "Is that a snowman?" Mum and Dad will say,

"No it's a crow that's turned to being a rent boy."

-So, what was the answer?

-Let's go with A.

Whoa, whoa - wait a second!

I'm the captain. Don't get all dancey on my ass!

I don't think the bloke on the Titanic ever said that.

-LONDON ACCENT:

-"I'm the captain! Don't get all..."

It's you, you make me go Cockney cos you're a northern greengrocer.

You bring it out of me.

Noel told me in 1998 that I look like a 1940s greengrocer.

He did, honestly.

When I think of you, you are holding aubergines.

"I hope you've got enough coupons for these, Mrs Jackson. They're a very rare vegetable indeed."

"No, we ain't got none of that chocolate. No, we ain't. No, we ain't."

So, you think it's A and you think it's A, don't you?

Wait a second, I reckon it was the thing where she did the demonstration.

The safety demonstration for the rest of the passengers?

-She's a right show-off.

-You really want that.

I think she did a forward roll, got inside a sick bag and then passed out the sweets so your ears don't pop.

There might be a slight legal issue with saying,

"Sit down, I'll do the safety bit, don't worry. I'd drive it too!"

It would be the only time I would watch it though.

No-one watches it, but if Madonna was doing it, I would.

What would she wear?

She'd have to wear the regulation uniform otherwise she wouldn't be taken seriously.

People would go, "You'd better watch this."

"Nah, it's only Madonna. She's not in the regulation uniform.

"I'm just going to carry on throwing these tiddly-winks in the corner."

-I've got a pun that the audience might hate.

-Shit pun, coming up!

So if Madonna did do the announcement, do you think she would do it on easyJet

or...Like A Virgin?

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Have you decided on an answer?

-Be more authoritative.

-Who, me?

-No, the bloke at the back, I've got a lazy eye(!)

I'm like one of those liberal teachers -

I let the kids do what they want, you know?

Yeah, we're saying A.

Er, that is the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

The answer is A. Madonna insisted on having her personal chef on board

to prepare her a strictly macro-biotic meal.

At one point, the chef asked her, "Mutton or lamb?"

Though I think he already knew the answer.

She booked a single ticket on the way out,

but added a child's seat for the return,

in case she fancied some retail therapy.

Phill, Diana and Jon, have a look at this.

Who said Last Of The Summer Wine was over?

It's Compo, Cleggy, Foggy and Mick Jagger.

Those crematorium-shunning national treasures otherwise known as the Rolling Stones.

# The phone kept ringing

# And we made sweet love... #

That was the Rolling Stones with Rain Fall Down, and your question -

what do they insist on, wherever they play?

Is it, A - nothing in the band buffet contains anything, quote, "Bigger than a snooker ball"?

B - they refuse to play in a venue if a circus has been there before them?

Or C - at 10am GMT, the crew and the band must sit down together and watch Homes Under The Hammer?

-LAUGHTER

-Phill's team.

IMITATING MICK JAGGER: "That house is never worth that, man. No way that house is worth that!

"Guy's mental."

-Never seen it, it's wasted on me.

-I've never seen it either.

Ten minutes of entertainment, crammed into an hour.

So, nothing bigger than a snooker ball in the buffet?

So it could be touch-and-go with a Scotch egg.

-Unless you mush it.

-Mush it?

-Mush it up.

I'm actually becoming vaguely aroused by Diana's idea

of the Scotch egg smoothie. Tell me more.

Well, you know... I mean...

-Put a Scotch egg in a blender...

-Yeah.

-..add some milk and...

-Bada-bing, bada-boom.

-I'm in.

-I'm in.

-See?

-Do you have anything that you ask for?

-I do - I like chocolate, I like a kettle.

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Nothing smaller than a football?"

-No!

Sorry, but could we just have a look at Diana's mic, cos it's making her sound very northern.

LAUGHTER

It needs to be turned down - the northern thing.

Diana, can I just ask you a question?

You are a beautiful woman, talented actress, brilliant musician...

Do you think God gave you that accent just to balance it up a bit?

I know! I do!

I know, I know. It is a shame, isn't it?

You can tell you've been in London for a while -

you're acting everything out cos no-one can understand you!

I feel a need to defend the north.

I feel I should chip in and say, "Well, I've read a Dostoyevsky."

Please don't.

You had to do it in a southern accent then in case you got your head kicked in.

So, Diana, have you been watching the X Factor?

-Briefly, yes.

-Who beat you in your year?

-Alexandra Burke.

Oh, he's good(!)

I follow popular culture. ..You came second?

No, I didn't, no. Then JLS. And then Eoghan Quigg.

-Eoghan Quigg.

-Yeah, and then...

-Weren't you dating him?

-No. We were very good friends.

Oh yeah. So you were dating him, yeah?

I know this might sound immature, but did you do that?

LAUGHTER

-Is that too immature?

-Do you think you could put a burger in the blender as well and do a burger smoothie?

I tell you what's great. Pot Noodle sandwich, have you ever had that?

-Yeah, amazing.

-You drain out all the liquid, you put it on white bread, you fold it over. The best.

As you well know, because we lived together.

I remember how much of a heathen I was - we were in the kitchen and I said, "Is this jazz?"

And you said, "It's classical music, Lee."

You did say to me music ended for you after, what was it, Spandau Ballet?

You went, "It's never going to get any better than that."

-LAUGHTER

-You think that's funny, do you?

-# Thank you for coming home I'm sorry that... #

-Stop!

-Come on!

So, what's your answer, please?

Maybe if they've already had dinner,

they don't want to be tempted by anything bigger than a snooker ball before they go on stage.

They might get really bloated.

LAUGHTER

I'm still thinking about the meat smoothies, I'm going to be honest.

-Snooker ball food.

-You're going for that?

-Yeah.

-Wrong.

It's B - the Stones refuse to play at a venue after a circus has been in town

as Mick Jagger claims he had an allergic reaction to elephant dung at a Canadian arena.

And circus animals won't perform after the Rolling Stones,

because they're allergic to pensioner piss.

Keith Richards recently published his autobiography, featuring some of his favourite memories.

He's just waiting for someone to fill in the gaps between 1945 and this afternoon.

And at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point. Phill is yet to score.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, it's the intros round. Noel and Andrew, here are yours for Irwin.

Oh! Thank you.

Let's do it. Let's do this.

..two, three, four. Oom tish, oom tish...

Could be anything.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What I'm doing is just background noise. Just listen to him.

Andrew's giving it all that definitely heterosexual pizzazz.

OK.

One, two, three, four...

Oom tish, oom tish!

Don't look at me. ..Oom tish, oom tish!

-HIGH PITCHED:

-Doop-doop, doop-doop, doo-doo, doop-doop...

Sorry, I think my phone's going.

LAUGHTER

Doop-doop...

Hello? Is that Noel's mum? Yeah, I'll be round at six.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doop-doop Doop-doop...

I'm very OCD - I made sure it was back on the hook.

It sounded like nothing ever recorded by man.

I don't know - it's not you, it's my ears.

This is the point where I watch the TV, screaming at it, "You idiot!

-"It's so obvious!"

-Well, can we have an answer?

-Come on! It's obvious.

-It's not, but is it the Luniz?

It's actually Gorillaz, Melancholy Hill.

And this is how it should have sounded.

SONG PLAYS

That's good actually.

# Up on melancholy... #

OK. Here's your next one.

-Oh, this one should be all right.

-I need to prepare for this one.

I've been told to ask you, Andrew, what's a triple threat?

Someone who can sing, dance and act, coming for you.

Threat?! I wouldn't like to be in a fight with you!

"You want a fight with me? Fight with my mate Andrew!"

-CAMP VOICE:

-"I can sing, I can dance and I can act!"

"So just back off!"

I think "coming for you" is the biggest threat.

Or over you?

Oh, come on!

You've let yourself down, you've let this young lady down,

you've let the audience down, Noel's mum...

I usually let Noel's mum down.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Oh, come on! I'm sorry, Mrs Fielding.

-My mum's in - that's not even funny!

-I know, that's why I'm saying it!

-Is your dad in?

-Yeah! He's next to her!

He's going to come looking for me singing, dancing and acting later!

# What did you say about my wife? #

APPLAUSE

"He's got the jazz hands out!"

APPLAUSE

-Are you all finished?

-I've done my insults. Away you go.

All right, lobster shirt.

Wah-wow, a-ning-ning-ning...

Noo-noo-noo...

Doo-doo-doo...

Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

HIGH PITCHED SHRIEKS

SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS

MANIC LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

I didn't have anything to do, so I thought I'd pretend to be a witch.

Is it...Abba?

Maybe.

Come on, Irwin, give me the answer.

-He wants it again and again.

-Give me the answer, Irwin.

Ooh!

-IRWIN HUMS TO HIMSELF

-Give me the answer!

Irwin, GIVE ME the answer! GIMME the answer!

GIMME the answer!

-This is painful.

-GIMME the answer! GIMME...

I don't know it!

Gimme... Gimme...

Gimme...

Just gimme, gimme...the answer!

I don't...

-Is it Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!?

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

-Ah, God!

-Actually, it's wrong. The answer is Take A Chance On Me.

LAUGHTER

And here's how it should have sounded.

SONG BEGINS TO PLAY

I don't remember this bit.

FAMILIAR PANPIPE INTRO PLAYS

That bit before...

I thought it sounded like a laughing witch, so I thought I'd do that.

# Half past twelve... #

There's nothing like a laughing witch in it. At all.

So that was Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by Abba.

After years of relentless emotional torment and sexual harassment,

Abba's Agnetha finally caved in and married her persistent stalker.

So, you keep plugging away, Adrian Chiles.

We also heard Gorillaz, with Melancholy Hill. They don't do many interviews,

because it's too expensive and difficult to animate a full conversation.

Much like the Saturdays.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Phill and Diana, here are yours for Jon.

-Do we have to stand, yeah?

-Yes, we do, Diana Vickers.

-I'm very excited.

-What, about standing?

-Yes.

"I'm a simple northern girl with simple wishes.

"I wish I could go to London and stand."

-LAUGHTER

-Well tonight, your dreams come true!

# This is my moment... #

-Thank you very much.

-If you're lucky, you can do some holding too.

I know! Two for one!

LAUGHTER

-THEY CONFER

-Yeah.

-Just do that.

-Yeah.

Right. One, two, three.

Nah-nah!

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...

Nah-nah!

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...

Nah-nah!

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...

Nah-nah, nah-nah!

Is that the ice cream van?

Nah-nah!

Dum, dum, da-now...

Dum, dum, da-now...

Dum, da-na-now...

You need to stop doing that.

-What, the mimey piano?

-No, you're good!

-What was she doing?

-My hip thrusting.

-Making me not watch that.

Is it the song that has the lyric, "Don't need no credit card to ride this train"?

Yes, that's good, but it's not Spot The Fragment Of Lyric!

Much as I wish it were!

-What's the title?

-I can't do it with you all looking at me!

Nobody look at Jon. Look the other way and he'll get it. Watch this.

They don't do this on Ready, Steady, Cook -

just you next to the chef going, "What are you making?!"

So, is there any cabbage in this?

-How about some lettuce?

-Oh, God, this is horrible!

Addicted To Love?

No, unfortunately, it's The Power Of Love.

-Oi!

-You've got to hand it over.

-OK, pretend I didn't say that.

Oh, no!

No, that's the wrong answer. Noel, do you know it?

Is it Addicted To Love?

No, it's not Addicted To Love!

Yeah, it's The Power Of Love!

It's The Power Of Love, and this is how it should sound.

"THE POWER OF LOVE" PLAYS

# Might as well admit it I'm addicted to love... #

# Might as well admit it I'm addicted to love... #

# Might as well... # Come on! # ..addicted to love...

# Addicted to...love. #

-# Power of love... #

-Don't do that bit!

OK, here we go. I've got confidence in you in this one.

-I feel you're going to get this one.

-Yeah?

-One, two, three, four...

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...

Batman!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, I enjoyed that!

-Oh, no!

PHILL: You're going to do it again.

-I'm not.

-You are.

Listen, everyone. I'm telling you now as the referee, we don't do that again.

And the same applies to you, audience.

Don't look at him.

Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...

Batman!

I'm so sorry. That's definitely it now. If I did it again,

-that would be childish.

-Yes.

I'm not an idiot.

You get the laugh twice, but three, that would be pushing it.

Here we go.

Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...

THEY STOP

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Batman!

LAUGHTER

That's your fault for pausing.

Lee, that was my fault. I put the Riddler on the guest list.

-Chung-chung!

-Wah!

-Chung-chung!

-Wah!

Catwoman!

-Dum-dum

-Wah!

Oh... wah...

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

It's not Blur, is it?

-Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

-What did you say?

-Blur?

Which song?

Country House?

Oh, so close. It's Blur, with Batman.

You're right, and it sounds like this.

SONG PLAYS

# And so the story begins...

# City dweller, successful fella... #

Blur, with Country House. The song famously went head-to-head with the Oasis single, Roll With It,

in one of the greatest music battles ever.

We'd seen nothing like it, until Starman went up against the meat raffle at the Crown and Anchor.

And if you don't want to see the result, look away now.

We also heard The Power Of Love by Huey Lewis and the News.

Huey Lewis and the News sued Ray Parker Jr over similarities

between the Ghostbusters theme and their song, I Want A New Drug.

I don't know if you've ever seen two homeless people

fighting over an empty crisp packet, but it was a bit like that.

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Noel, Irwin and Andrew, how about some '90s Irish indie?

For the audience only, here are the Frank and Walters.

# There are times I get distracted, girl

# By the ways and workings of this world

# But I think of you as my life's shrine

# And I'm glad that I'm yours and you're mine... #

That was the Frank and Walters with After All,

but which one of our line-up is singer and bassist, Paul Linehan?

Is it number one, Frank and Walters?

Number two, Frankenstein?

Number three, Franks but no Franks?

Number four, frank and open discussion about your future?

Or number five, total and utter franker?

Number five looks like a frightening Viking.

-He's seen pain.

-Frightening? As opposed to those un-frightening ones who used to rape and pillage?

I think it's not number two.

I don't know. I can't tell if he's looking at me, but I think he hates me.

Number three has got a bit of a twinkle.

-Yeah.

-I reckon number three could have been in a band.

Number one is so wiry it's hurting my eyes.

Look at his elbows!

You could have a crab's eye out with them.

I think he looks like a perfect advert for Diet Tango.

-I think it's number three.

-You're going for number three?

Would the real Paul Linehan please step forward?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, still recording and touring with the Frank and Walters,

ladies and gentlemen, Paul Linehan.

Phill, Jon and Diana, what about some classic reggae?

For the audience only, here is Dawn Penn.

# No, no, no

# You don't love me and I know now... #

That was Dawn Penn with No, No, No,

but which of our line-up is Dawn Penn?

Is it number one, Dawn Penn?

Number two, Dawn do that?

Number three, Dawn of the dead?

Number four, Dawn, Dawn, deeper and Dawn?

Or number five, up at the crack of Dawn?

-Phill's team.

-It's number two.

-Is it number two?

-It's number two.

-Diana, what do you...?

-Don't ask Diana, she doesn't know.

It's number two. I'm very excited. It's number two.

-Very eager.

-Do you think it's number two?

It's number two. It's number two.

-Number two?

-It's number two. It's number two.

I'm going to have to push you. What are you going for?

Jon, you don't seem to have offered an opinion, but what do you think?

I think it's five, but I don't want to cause a fuss.

-You definitely want two?

-Number two, reggae legend, Dawn Penn.

OK, let's find out.

More than any other show I've ever watched in the history of British television,

do I want this to be wrong.

Would the real Dawn Penn please step forward?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With her brand new album out now, ladies and gentlemen, Dawn Penn.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we have Phill on three points and Noel on three points.

So, we end with Next Lines. Phill, you go first. Your time starts now.

"Slowly walking down the hall."

"Faster than a cannon ball."

"Faster than Cannon and Ball," but I'll give it.

"Look at you and me, honey bee."

"Now whoopsie-daisy."

-Oh dear, what have you done? Yes, by Diana Vickers. My Wicked Heart.

-Indeed, yeah - out now.

-"Return of the Mack."

-Yes it is.

-"Return of the Mack..."

-Oh!

"McBurger, McFlurry..."

"McBurger"? It's not an advert for Big Macs!

"Return of the Mack, oh and I'll have fries with that." We don't do adverts!

We're trying to break this northern stereotype.

"Oh, aye, I'll have a cheeseburger and fries and an apple pie."

Once again, Mark Morrison, Return of the Mack.

"You and your 28,000 friends..."

I know this. "YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, IM..."

"I'm talking about YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, im..."

-What does "im" mean?

-I am! Im. What?

Sorry, did I just have a blackout during that sentence?

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Noel's team, you need seven to win, and your time starts now.

"People try to put us d-down..."

-"Talkin' bout my generation."

-Oh, close. "Talkin' bout my sick Alsatian."

Er, no, it's not. "I like everybody..."

-"Not everybody likes me."

-The Hoosiers.

-"Now and then, my knees go weak..."

-"My feet become alive, alive, alive."

-Starman.

-Go for it!

-Out this Christmas.

"I can't dance, I can't sing..."

"The only way I...er..."

Genesis. "I'm just standing here selling everything."

"He's got a pineapple on his head."

-"He's got a pineapple on his head."

-Yes, Jason Lee.

"Agadoo-doo..."

-"Push pineapple, shake a tree."

-Black Lace.

"Agadoo-doo..."

Er...

HE MOUTHS

"Push, er, stir..."

-"A stew."

-Yeah.

"Push pineapple, grind coffee."

"To the left..."

"To the right, jump up and down..."

It was. By?

-Black Lace?

-No, Sgt Aled Rowlands of the Royal Welsh Brigade.

-"Goodbye, Mr A..."

-END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, that's the end of the show.

Phill's team has 9, but Noel's team has 11!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Phill, Jon and Diana, Noel, Andrew and Irwin.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]