Episode 8 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 8

Pop quiz. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest presenter Lee Mack and panellists Irwin Sparkes, Diana Vickers, Jon Richardson and Andrew Stone.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Lee Mack.

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Actually, it says "Return of the Mack", but I won't say that, cos I don't know what it means.

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Oh well, here we go.

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On Noel's team tonight...

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# I like everybody... #

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The front man of the Hoosiers, who recently said he didn't want

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their second album to sound like their first.

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We can all agree on that!

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-It's Irwin Sparkes.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We never normally book reality stars on this show,

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but every now and then, we find a diamond in the rough.

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And then sometimes we're really stuck and have to book the rough.

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From Pineapple Dance Studios, it's Andrew Stone.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And on Phill's team tonight...

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a woman who proves that not winning the X Factor doesn't mean your career is over.

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So if you're watching this, Journey South, Candy Rain,

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Tappy, Eoghan Quigg, Same Difference,

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the O'Connell Sisters, Dead Wife Guy and Singing Binman,

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don't give up the dream. It's Diana Vickers.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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He's a comedian who suffers from OCD,

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so just to make you feel comfortable,

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I think you may have left the taps on back in your flat.

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It's Jon Richardson.

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APPLAUSE

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So, we begin with Don't You Know Who I Am?

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Noel, Irwin and Andrew, take a look.

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# Every little thing that you say or do... #

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She's a pop sensation who constantly changes her image,

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though she now seems to have settled on orphan-snaffling, navvy-armed corpse. It's Madonna.

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# I'm fed up I'm tired of waiting on you Every little thing... #

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That was Madonna, with Hung Up. But what did she insist on during a recent flight?

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Was it that, A - she only be served food cooked by her personal, macro-biotic chef?

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B - that she have two kabala rabbis and a replica of the Ark of the Covenant on board?

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Or C - she got to do the safety demonstrations for the rest of the passengers? Noel's team...

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I was going to say she looks a bit like a mum, but my mum's in tonight, so that sounds weird.

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Does she look like A mum or YOUR mum?

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-Just...mums in general.

-I'm not attacking. You look really defensive. I'm on your side.

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What are you saying? That I fancy my own mum? That's weird!

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Stop it!

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-I fancy your mum.

-I know. You're a freak though.

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-I like young ladies, but she's kind of doing it for me at 50.

-Really?!

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I find someone who's that overtly sexual and has made a career

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out of being that provocative really odd,

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because I don't find her alluring.

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-Really?

-Would you prefer it if she wore grey trousers and had a moustache?

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It would be different.

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-She got thrown off a horse, didn't she?

-Yeah.

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What was she doing to it?

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I think she said that paparazzi jumped out of a bush,

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photographed her, and the horse stood up to get his photo taken.

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She fell back into a bush and some wombles dragged her away.

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They built a castle out of her leg-warmers.

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I actually once... I used to work with horses,

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-and I led a horse down the road...

-PHILL: Did it drink?

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LAUGHTER

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You know the horse's penis retracts, and when they have erections, they just come straight down and swing.

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And it took out the wing mirror of a parked Ford Fiesta.

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It did, honestly.

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There is a phone call to the insurance I'd like to make!

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We just covered mums and horse cocks in, like, two minutes!

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-We just go straight in!

-Andrew, it says here that you have danced with Madonna.

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I haven't danced with Madonna, no.

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Oh, sorry, it says you've danced TO Madonna.

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-Have you danced with Madonna?

-No. I've danced for Kylie.

-Kylie.

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Also with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.

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-Yeah.

-But it's not just women. You've also danced with Tina Turner.

-I've SUNG with...

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I've sung with Tina Turner.

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Were you both pissed at karaoke?

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Were you singing with Tina before Starman or during...?

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-Yeah, before I formed the group.

-Before the group.

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-Does everybody know...Starman?

-Starman, yes.

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-New album out soon?

-We're working on it - we've got a Christmas release.

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-Is there a snowman in the video?

-Do you want to be in it?

-I'll be the snowman.

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You would be the most terrifying snowman ever!

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Standing at the back with an icy erection...

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"It's a carrot!"

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The kids will ask, "Is that a snowman?" Mum and Dad will say,

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"No it's a crow that's turned to being a rent boy."

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-So, what was the answer?

-Let's go with A.

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Whoa, whoa - wait a second!

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I'm the captain. Don't get all dancey on my ass!

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I don't think the bloke on the Titanic ever said that.

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-LONDON ACCENT:

-"I'm the captain! Don't get all..."

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It's you, you make me go Cockney cos you're a northern greengrocer.

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You bring it out of me.

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Noel told me in 1998 that I look like a 1940s greengrocer.

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He did, honestly.

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When I think of you, you are holding aubergines.

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"I hope you've got enough coupons for these, Mrs Jackson. They're a very rare vegetable indeed."

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"No, we ain't got none of that chocolate. No, we ain't. No, we ain't."

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So, you think it's A and you think it's A, don't you?

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Wait a second, I reckon it was the thing where she did the demonstration.

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The safety demonstration for the rest of the passengers?

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-She's a right show-off.

-You really want that.

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I think she did a forward roll, got inside a sick bag and then passed out the sweets so your ears don't pop.

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There might be a slight legal issue with saying,

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"Sit down, I'll do the safety bit, don't worry. I'd drive it too!"

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It would be the only time I would watch it though.

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No-one watches it, but if Madonna was doing it, I would.

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What would she wear?

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She'd have to wear the regulation uniform otherwise she wouldn't be taken seriously.

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People would go, "You'd better watch this."

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"Nah, it's only Madonna. She's not in the regulation uniform.

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"I'm just going to carry on throwing these tiddly-winks in the corner."

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-I've got a pun that the audience might hate.

-Shit pun, coming up!

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So if Madonna did do the announcement, do you think she would do it on easyJet

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or...Like A Virgin?

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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Yes!

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Have you decided on an answer?

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-Be more authoritative.

-Who, me?

-No, the bloke at the back, I've got a lazy eye(!)

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I'm like one of those liberal teachers -

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I let the kids do what they want, you know?

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Yeah, we're saying A.

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Er, that is the correct answer.

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APPLAUSE

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The answer is A. Madonna insisted on having her personal chef on board

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to prepare her a strictly macro-biotic meal.

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At one point, the chef asked her, "Mutton or lamb?"

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Though I think he already knew the answer.

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She booked a single ticket on the way out,

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but added a child's seat for the return,

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in case she fancied some retail therapy.

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Phill, Diana and Jon, have a look at this.

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Who said Last Of The Summer Wine was over?

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It's Compo, Cleggy, Foggy and Mick Jagger.

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Those crematorium-shunning national treasures otherwise known as the Rolling Stones.

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# The phone kept ringing

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# And we made sweet love... #

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That was the Rolling Stones with Rain Fall Down, and your question -

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what do they insist on, wherever they play?

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Is it, A - nothing in the band buffet contains anything, quote, "Bigger than a snooker ball"?

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B - they refuse to play in a venue if a circus has been there before them?

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Or C - at 10am GMT, the crew and the band must sit down together and watch Homes Under The Hammer?

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-LAUGHTER

-Phill's team.

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IMITATING MICK JAGGER: "That house is never worth that, man. No way that house is worth that!

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"Guy's mental."

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-Never seen it, it's wasted on me.

-I've never seen it either.

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Ten minutes of entertainment, crammed into an hour.

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So, nothing bigger than a snooker ball in the buffet?

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So it could be touch-and-go with a Scotch egg.

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-Unless you mush it.

-Mush it?

-Mush it up.

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I'm actually becoming vaguely aroused by Diana's idea

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of the Scotch egg smoothie. Tell me more.

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Well, you know... I mean...

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-Put a Scotch egg in a blender...

-Yeah.

-..add some milk and...

-Bada-bing, bada-boom.

-I'm in.

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-I'm in.

-See?

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-Do you have anything that you ask for?

-I do - I like chocolate, I like a kettle.

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-YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Nothing smaller than a football?"

-No!

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Sorry, but could we just have a look at Diana's mic, cos it's making her sound very northern.

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LAUGHTER

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It needs to be turned down - the northern thing.

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Diana, can I just ask you a question?

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You are a beautiful woman, talented actress, brilliant musician...

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Do you think God gave you that accent just to balance it up a bit?

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I know! I do!

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I know, I know. It is a shame, isn't it?

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You can tell you've been in London for a while -

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you're acting everything out cos no-one can understand you!

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I feel a need to defend the north.

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I feel I should chip in and say, "Well, I've read a Dostoyevsky."

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Please don't.

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You had to do it in a southern accent then in case you got your head kicked in.

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So, Diana, have you been watching the X Factor?

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-Briefly, yes.

-Who beat you in your year?

-Alexandra Burke.

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Oh, he's good(!)

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I follow popular culture. ..You came second?

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No, I didn't, no. Then JLS. And then Eoghan Quigg.

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-Eoghan Quigg.

-Yeah, and then...

-Weren't you dating him?

-No. We were very good friends.

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Oh yeah. So you were dating him, yeah?

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I know this might sound immature, but did you do that?

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LAUGHTER

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-Is that too immature?

-Do you think you could put a burger in the blender as well and do a burger smoothie?

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I tell you what's great. Pot Noodle sandwich, have you ever had that?

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-Yeah, amazing.

-You drain out all the liquid, you put it on white bread, you fold it over. The best.

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As you well know, because we lived together.

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I remember how much of a heathen I was - we were in the kitchen and I said, "Is this jazz?"

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And you said, "It's classical music, Lee."

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You did say to me music ended for you after, what was it, Spandau Ballet?

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You went, "It's never going to get any better than that."

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-LAUGHTER

-You think that's funny, do you?

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-# Thank you for coming home I'm sorry that... #

-Stop!

-Come on!

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So, what's your answer, please?

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Maybe if they've already had dinner,

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they don't want to be tempted by anything bigger than a snooker ball before they go on stage.

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They might get really bloated.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm still thinking about the meat smoothies, I'm going to be honest.

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-Snooker ball food.

-You're going for that?

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-Yeah.

-Wrong.

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It's B - the Stones refuse to play at a venue after a circus has been in town

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as Mick Jagger claims he had an allergic reaction to elephant dung at a Canadian arena.

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And circus animals won't perform after the Rolling Stones,

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because they're allergic to pensioner piss.

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Keith Richards recently published his autobiography, featuring some of his favourite memories.

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He's just waiting for someone to fill in the gaps between 1945 and this afternoon.

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And at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point. Phill is yet to score.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Next up, it's the intros round. Noel and Andrew, here are yours for Irwin.

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Oh! Thank you.

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Let's do it. Let's do this.

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..two, three, four. Oom tish, oom tish...

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Could be anything.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What I'm doing is just background noise. Just listen to him.

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Andrew's giving it all that definitely heterosexual pizzazz.

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OK.

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One, two, three, four...

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Oom tish, oom tish!

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Don't look at me. ..Oom tish, oom tish!

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-HIGH PITCHED:

-Doop-doop, doop-doop, doo-doo, doop-doop...

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Sorry, I think my phone's going.

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LAUGHTER

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Doop-doop...

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Hello? Is that Noel's mum? Yeah, I'll be round at six.

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Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doop-doop Doop-doop...

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I'm very OCD - I made sure it was back on the hook.

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It sounded like nothing ever recorded by man.

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I don't know - it's not you, it's my ears.

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This is the point where I watch the TV, screaming at it, "You idiot!

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-"It's so obvious!"

-Well, can we have an answer?

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-Come on! It's obvious.

-It's not, but is it the Luniz?

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It's actually Gorillaz, Melancholy Hill.

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And this is how it should have sounded.

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SONG PLAYS

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That's good actually.

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# Up on melancholy... #

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OK. Here's your next one.

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-Oh, this one should be all right.

-I need to prepare for this one.

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I've been told to ask you, Andrew, what's a triple threat?

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Someone who can sing, dance and act, coming for you.

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Threat?! I wouldn't like to be in a fight with you!

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"You want a fight with me? Fight with my mate Andrew!"

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-CAMP VOICE:

-"I can sing, I can dance and I can act!"

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"So just back off!"

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I think "coming for you" is the biggest threat.

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Or over you?

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Oh, come on!

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You've let yourself down, you've let this young lady down,

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you've let the audience down, Noel's mum...

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I usually let Noel's mum down.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

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Oh, come on! I'm sorry, Mrs Fielding.

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-My mum's in - that's not even funny!

-I know, that's why I'm saying it!

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-Is your dad in?

-Yeah! He's next to her!

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He's going to come looking for me singing, dancing and acting later!

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# What did you say about my wife? #

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APPLAUSE

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"He's got the jazz hands out!"

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APPLAUSE

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-Are you all finished?

-I've done my insults. Away you go.

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All right, lobster shirt.

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Wah-wow, a-ning-ning-ning...

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Noo-noo-noo...

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Doo-doo-doo...

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Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

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Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

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Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

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Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

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Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!

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HIGH PITCHED SHRIEKS

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SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS

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MANIC LAUGHTER

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

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I didn't have anything to do, so I thought I'd pretend to be a witch.

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Is it...Abba?

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Maybe.

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Come on, Irwin, give me the answer.

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-He wants it again and again.

-Give me the answer, Irwin.

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Ooh!

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-IRWIN HUMS TO HIMSELF

-Give me the answer!

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Irwin, GIVE ME the answer! GIMME the answer!

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GIMME the answer!

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-This is painful.

-GIMME the answer! GIMME...

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I don't know it!

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Gimme... Gimme...

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Gimme...

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Just gimme, gimme...the answer!

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I don't...

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-Is it Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!?

-Yes!

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APPLAUSE

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-Ah, God!

-Actually, it's wrong. The answer is Take A Chance On Me.

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LAUGHTER

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And here's how it should have sounded.

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SONG BEGINS TO PLAY

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I don't remember this bit.

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FAMILIAR PANPIPE INTRO PLAYS

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That bit before...

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I thought it sounded like a laughing witch, so I thought I'd do that.

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# Half past twelve... #

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There's nothing like a laughing witch in it. At all.

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So that was Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by Abba.

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After years of relentless emotional torment and sexual harassment,

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Abba's Agnetha finally caved in and married her persistent stalker.

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So, you keep plugging away, Adrian Chiles.

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We also heard Gorillaz, with Melancholy Hill. They don't do many interviews,

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because it's too expensive and difficult to animate a full conversation.

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Much like the Saturdays.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

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Phill and Diana, here are yours for Jon.

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-Do we have to stand, yeah?

-Yes, we do, Diana Vickers.

-I'm very excited.

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-What, about standing?

-Yes.

0:17:090:17:11

"I'm a simple northern girl with simple wishes.

0:17:120:17:15

"I wish I could go to London and stand."

0:17:150:17:17

-LAUGHTER

-Well tonight, your dreams come true!

0:17:170:17:21

# This is my moment... #

0:17:210:17:25

-Thank you very much.

-If you're lucky, you can do some holding too.

0:17:250:17:29

I know! Two for one!

0:17:290:17:31

LAUGHTER

0:17:310:17:34

-THEY CONFER

-Yeah.

-Just do that.

-Yeah.

0:17:340:17:37

Right. One, two, three.

0:17:370:17:41

Nah-nah!

0:17:410:17:42

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...

0:17:420:17:44

Nah-nah!

0:17:430:17:44

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...

0:17:440:18:00

Nah-nah!

0:17:450:17:47

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...

0:17:470:17:48

Nah-nah, nah-nah!

0:17:470:17:50

Is that the ice cream van?

0:17:500:17:51

Nah-nah!

0:17:510:17:53

Dum, dum, da-now...

0:17:530:17:56

Dum, dum, da-now...

0:17:560:17:58

Dum, da-na-now...

0:17:580:18:00

You need to stop doing that.

0:18:000:18:01

-What, the mimey piano?

-No, you're good!

0:18:010:18:04

-What was she doing?

-My hip thrusting.

-Making me not watch that.

0:18:040:18:07

Is it the song that has the lyric, "Don't need no credit card to ride this train"?

0:18:090:18:13

Yes, that's good, but it's not Spot The Fragment Of Lyric!

0:18:130:18:17

Much as I wish it were!

0:18:170:18:20

-What's the title?

-I can't do it with you all looking at me!

0:18:200:18:23

Nobody look at Jon. Look the other way and he'll get it. Watch this.

0:18:230:18:26

They don't do this on Ready, Steady, Cook -

0:18:260:18:29

just you next to the chef going, "What are you making?!"

0:18:290:18:32

So, is there any cabbage in this?

0:18:340:18:36

-How about some lettuce?

-Oh, God, this is horrible!

0:18:380:18:42

Addicted To Love?

0:18:440:18:46

No, unfortunately, it's The Power Of Love.

0:18:460:18:50

-Oi!

-You've got to hand it over.

-OK, pretend I didn't say that.

0:18:500:18:53

Oh, no!

0:18:530:18:55

No, that's the wrong answer. Noel, do you know it?

0:18:550:18:59

Is it Addicted To Love?

0:18:590:19:00

No, it's not Addicted To Love!

0:19:000:19:03

Yeah, it's The Power Of Love!

0:19:030:19:05

It's The Power Of Love, and this is how it should sound.

0:19:050:19:09

"THE POWER OF LOVE" PLAYS

0:19:090:19:12

# Might as well admit it I'm addicted to love... #

0:19:120:19:15

# Might as well admit it I'm addicted to love... #

0:19:160:19:19

# Might as well... # Come on! # ..addicted to love...

0:19:190:19:22

# Addicted to...love. #

0:19:220:19:24

-# Power of love... #

-Don't do that bit!

0:19:240:19:27

OK, here we go. I've got confidence in you in this one.

0:19:270:19:31

-I feel you're going to get this one.

-Yeah?

-One, two, three, four...

0:19:310:19:36

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...

0:19:360:19:39

Batman!

0:19:390:19:40

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:400:19:44

-Oh, I enjoyed that!

-Oh, no!

0:19:460:19:48

PHILL: You're going to do it again.

0:19:500:19:52

-I'm not.

-You are.

0:19:520:19:53

Listen, everyone. I'm telling you now as the referee, we don't do that again.

0:19:530:19:57

And the same applies to you, audience.

0:19:570:20:00

Don't look at him.

0:20:010:20:03

Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...

0:20:030:20:06

Batman!

0:20:060:20:08

I'm so sorry. That's definitely it now. If I did it again,

0:20:080:20:12

-that would be childish.

-Yes.

0:20:120:20:14

I'm not an idiot.

0:20:140:20:15

You get the laugh twice, but three, that would be pushing it.

0:20:150:20:19

Here we go.

0:20:190:20:20

Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...

0:20:200:20:23

THEY STOP

0:20:230:20:24

LAUGHTER

0:20:240:20:27

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Batman!

0:20:280:20:30

LAUGHTER

0:20:300:20:33

That's your fault for pausing.

0:20:370:20:39

Lee, that was my fault. I put the Riddler on the guest list.

0:20:390:20:43

-Chung-chung!

-Wah!

0:20:450:20:46

-Chung-chung!

-Wah!

0:20:460:20:48

Catwoman!

0:20:480:20:51

-Dum-dum

-Wah!

0:20:510:20:52

Oh... wah...

0:20:520:20:54

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

0:20:540:20:56

It's not Blur, is it?

0:20:560:20:58

-Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

-What did you say?

-Blur?

0:20:580:21:01

Which song?

0:21:010:21:02

Country House?

0:21:040:21:06

Oh, so close. It's Blur, with Batman.

0:21:060:21:08

You're right, and it sounds like this.

0:21:110:21:14

SONG PLAYS

0:21:140:21:17

# And so the story begins...

0:21:250:21:28

# City dweller, successful fella... #

0:21:280:21:30

Blur, with Country House. The song famously went head-to-head with the Oasis single, Roll With It,

0:21:300:21:35

in one of the greatest music battles ever.

0:21:350:21:37

We'd seen nothing like it, until Starman went up against the meat raffle at the Crown and Anchor.

0:21:370:21:42

And if you don't want to see the result, look away now.

0:21:420:21:46

We also heard The Power Of Love by Huey Lewis and the News.

0:21:540:21:58

Huey Lewis and the News sued Ray Parker Jr over similarities

0:21:580:22:01

between the Ghostbusters theme and their song, I Want A New Drug.

0:22:010:22:05

I don't know if you've ever seen two homeless people

0:22:050:22:08

fighting over an empty crisp packet, but it was a bit like that.

0:22:080:22:12

Round three is the Identity Parade.

0:22:120:22:13

Noel, Irwin and Andrew, how about some '90s Irish indie?

0:22:130:22:16

For the audience only, here are the Frank and Walters.

0:22:160:22:20

# There are times I get distracted, girl

0:22:200:22:23

# By the ways and workings of this world

0:22:230:22:27

# But I think of you as my life's shrine

0:22:270:22:31

# And I'm glad that I'm yours and you're mine... #

0:22:310:22:41

That was the Frank and Walters with After All,

0:22:410:22:45

but which one of our line-up is singer and bassist, Paul Linehan?

0:22:450:22:50

Is it number one, Frank and Walters?

0:22:500:22:52

Number two, Frankenstein?

0:22:520:22:54

Number three, Franks but no Franks?

0:22:540:22:58

Number four, frank and open discussion about your future?

0:22:580:23:02

Or number five, total and utter franker?

0:23:020:23:05

Number five looks like a frightening Viking.

0:23:060:23:09

-He's seen pain.

-Frightening? As opposed to those un-frightening ones who used to rape and pillage?

0:23:090:23:15

I think it's not number two.

0:23:150:23:17

I don't know. I can't tell if he's looking at me, but I think he hates me.

0:23:170:23:21

Number three has got a bit of a twinkle.

0:23:210:23:23

-Yeah.

-I reckon number three could have been in a band.

0:23:230:23:26

Number one is so wiry it's hurting my eyes.

0:23:260:23:29

Look at his elbows!

0:23:290:23:31

You could have a crab's eye out with them.

0:23:310:23:33

I think he looks like a perfect advert for Diet Tango.

0:23:360:23:39

-I think it's number three.

-You're going for number three?

0:23:410:23:45

Would the real Paul Linehan please step forward?

0:23:450:23:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:490:23:52

Yes, still recording and touring with the Frank and Walters,

0:23:530:23:57

ladies and gentlemen, Paul Linehan.

0:23:570:23:58

Phill, Jon and Diana, what about some classic reggae?

0:24:050:24:08

For the audience only, here is Dawn Penn.

0:24:080:24:10

# No, no, no

0:24:100:24:16

# You don't love me and I know now... #

0:24:160:24:22

That was Dawn Penn with No, No, No,

0:24:280:24:30

but which of our line-up is Dawn Penn?

0:24:300:24:32

Is it number one, Dawn Penn?

0:24:320:24:34

Number two, Dawn do that?

0:24:340:24:37

Number three, Dawn of the dead?

0:24:370:24:39

Number four, Dawn, Dawn, deeper and Dawn?

0:24:390:24:43

Or number five, up at the crack of Dawn?

0:24:430:24:46

-Phill's team.

-It's number two.

-Is it number two?

-It's number two.

0:24:470:24:51

-Diana, what do you...?

-Don't ask Diana, she doesn't know.

0:24:510:24:55

It's number two. I'm very excited. It's number two.

0:24:550:24:58

-Very eager.

-Do you think it's number two?

0:24:580:25:00

It's number two. It's number two.

0:25:000:25:03

-Number two?

-It's number two. It's number two.

0:25:030:25:05

I'm going to have to push you. What are you going for?

0:25:050:25:08

Jon, you don't seem to have offered an opinion, but what do you think?

0:25:080:25:12

I think it's five, but I don't want to cause a fuss.

0:25:120:25:15

-You definitely want two?

-Number two, reggae legend, Dawn Penn.

0:25:150:25:19

OK, let's find out.

0:25:190:25:20

More than any other show I've ever watched in the history of British television,

0:25:200:25:25

do I want this to be wrong.

0:25:250:25:26

Would the real Dawn Penn please step forward?

0:25:260:25:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:320:25:35

With her brand new album out now, ladies and gentlemen, Dawn Penn.

0:25:370:25:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:410:25:45

So, we have Phill on three points and Noel on three points.

0:25:480:25:51

So, we end with Next Lines. Phill, you go first. Your time starts now.

0:25:540:25:59

"Slowly walking down the hall."

0:25:590:26:01

"Faster than a cannon ball."

0:26:010:26:02

"Faster than Cannon and Ball," but I'll give it.

0:26:020:26:05

"Look at you and me, honey bee."

0:26:070:26:08

"Now whoopsie-daisy."

0:26:080:26:10

-Oh dear, what have you done? Yes, by Diana Vickers. My Wicked Heart.

-Indeed, yeah - out now.

0:26:100:26:16

-"Return of the Mack."

-Yes it is.

0:26:160:26:18

-"Return of the Mack..."

-Oh!

0:26:180:26:21

"McBurger, McFlurry..."

0:26:210:26:22

"McBurger"? It's not an advert for Big Macs!

0:26:220:26:25

"Return of the Mack, oh and I'll have fries with that." We don't do adverts!

0:26:250:26:29

We're trying to break this northern stereotype.

0:26:290:26:32

"Oh, aye, I'll have a cheeseburger and fries and an apple pie."

0:26:320:26:36

Once again, Mark Morrison, Return of the Mack.

0:26:360:26:39

"You and your 28,000 friends..."

0:26:390:26:41

I know this. "YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, IM..."

0:26:410:26:46

"I'm talking about YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, im..."

0:26:460:26:49

-What does "im" mean?

-I am! Im. What?

0:26:490:26:54

Sorry, did I just have a blackout during that sentence?

0:26:560:26:59

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:26:590:27:02

Noel's team, you need seven to win, and your time starts now.

0:27:070:27:11

"People try to put us d-down..."

0:27:110:27:12

-"Talkin' bout my generation."

-Oh, close. "Talkin' bout my sick Alsatian."

0:27:120:27:16

Er, no, it's not. "I like everybody..."

0:27:170:27:19

-"Not everybody likes me."

-The Hoosiers.

0:27:190:27:21

-"Now and then, my knees go weak..."

-"My feet become alive, alive, alive."

0:27:210:27:25

-Starman.

-Go for it!

-Out this Christmas.

0:27:250:27:27

"I can't dance, I can't sing..."

0:27:270:27:30

"The only way I...er..."

0:27:300:27:33

Genesis. "I'm just standing here selling everything."

0:27:330:27:35

"He's got a pineapple on his head."

0:27:350:27:38

-"He's got a pineapple on his head."

-Yes, Jason Lee.

0:27:380:27:40

"Agadoo-doo..."

0:27:400:27:41

-"Push pineapple, shake a tree."

-Black Lace.

0:27:410:27:44

"Agadoo-doo..."

0:27:440:27:45

Er...

0:27:450:27:46

HE MOUTHS

0:27:460:27:49

"Push, er, stir..."

0:27:490:27:50

-"A stew."

-Yeah.

0:27:500:27:51

"Push pineapple, grind coffee."

0:27:510:27:54

"To the left..."

0:27:540:27:55

"To the right, jump up and down..."

0:27:550:27:57

It was. By?

0:27:570:27:59

-Black Lace?

-No, Sgt Aled Rowlands of the Royal Welsh Brigade.

0:27:590:28:02

-"Goodbye, Mr A..."

-END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:28:020:28:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:050:28:07

So, that's the end of the show.

0:28:100:28:11

Phill's team has 9, but Noel's team has 11!

0:28:110:28:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:140:28:16

Thanks to Phill, Jon and Diana, Noel, Andrew and Irwin.

0:28:210:28:24

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night!

0:28:240:28:27

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:530:28:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:570:29:00

Anarchic, award-winning pop quiz.

Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest presenter Lee Mack plus guest panellists Irwin Sparkes, Diana Vickers, Jon Richardson and Andrew Stone.


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