Episode 9 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 9

Pop quiz. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest host Juliette Lewis plus guest panellists Theo Hutchcraft, Nick Grimshaw, Kimberly Wyatt and Vic Reeves.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, hello and welcome to the show.

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I'm Juliette Lewis, your host for this evening.

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Isn't this what you've always wanted?

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Me, hosting a pop quiz? Well, tonight...

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Yeah! Tonight, your dreams have come true.

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Maybe they're my dreams.

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Let the fun and the games begin.

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Are you ready?

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On Noel's team tonight is...

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She famously sang, "When I grow up, I want to be famous,

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"I want to be a star, I want to be in movies."

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Failing that, she'll take a seat on a mediocre pop quiz.

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It's Kimberly Wyatt.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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He's one half of the funniest double act in showbiz,

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unless you include Simon Cowell's man boobs,

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it's Vic Reeves.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And on Phill's team tonight...

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# We say goodbye in the pouring rain... #

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He's part of the synth-pop duo Hurts,

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so he should fit right in on this show

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because it's going to be painful.

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It's Theo Hutchcraft.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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He's a Radio 1 DJ and a T4 presenter.

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He couldn't be cooler if he was playing Hacky Sack on a skateboard with Roland Rat,

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it's Nick Cowabunga Grimshaw.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Cowabunga?

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I don't know what I'm saying.

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I'm sort of a puppeteer...

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-No, I'm the puppet. No, that's not good.

-LAUGHTER

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You are the puppeteer and we are merely your puppets.

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OK. I'll try to think that way.

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Um...

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So we begin with Don't You Know Who I Am?

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Noel, Vic, Kimberly, take a look at this.

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# I'm still standing

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# Better than I ever did... #

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He wanders around in tracksuits, loves football,

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he says Saturday nights are all right for fighting.

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If it wasn't for David Furnish, he'd be the straightest man in pop.

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It's Elton John.

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# ..I'm still standing

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

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That was Elton John with I'm Still Standing,

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but what did he demand while on tour in Germany in the '70s?

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-Oh, that's easy. Carry on.

-LAUGHTER

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A, was it that he be allowed to speak German despite not being able to?

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Was it B, that his agent do something about the weather?

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Or, C, that everybody pretends they were in France?

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A, B or C? What?

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Every one of those is mental.

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Like, there's not one that's normal.

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-It's not your question.

-It's an observation of the mentalness.

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-I met Elton John once.

-Did you?

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-I went to his house.

-No!

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And he's got a swimming pool with like a pair of specs,

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one with salt water and one with fresh water.

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One with cod in it and one with trout.

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Anyway...

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Honestly, I can't...

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In his recent autopsy, it was discovered that he's got no bones in his legs.

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Which makes that video a bit redundant, if you ask me.

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Also, apparently, he taught a sort of lemur to fire peaches at him out of a tennis ball machine.

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One knocked his house so he fired him.

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And that...

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That lemur's now living in Croydon in...

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er, a shopping centre.

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-He also...

-Oh, my God, yeah?

-I don't know if anyone knows this,

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but he lived in a haunted telephone box for many years,

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which accounts for his style.

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Juliette, you must have got an answer out of that lot?

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-I can't believe...

-LAUGHTER

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So, that was all really fascinating.

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But none of those answers were A, B and C. So...

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But maybe Kimberly can throw some light on it because you met Elton John, right?

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I did. I performed with Elton at an awards show.

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He played the piano and I sat on the back dancing.

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-On the back of the piano?

-On the back of the bench.

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On the back of the bench!

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-Really?

-On his back as he trotted around.

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Did he have any bones in his legs?

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-I don't know, he was sitting so I couldn't tell.

-Exactly.

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I assume that he does.

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-Are your eyes real?

-They are.

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I grew 'em myself.

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They're so green! It's frightening.

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-They look like science-fiction eyes.

-Yeah?

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Yeah.

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They actually penetrated through Noel to my hand then.

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Special powers.

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So, A, B or C, what do you guess?

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I say, by watching the video, it would be C.

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-Really?

-I think it's B.

-Really?

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-I KNOW it's B.

-What, his agent...

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He tried to command the wind... when I was with him.

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And when he was in Germany, he tried to command the wind there.

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Kimberly has ridden his shoulder so I think Kimberly knows.

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Wait... I don't know how to do this if somebody said B and somebody said C.

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-Well, he said A.

-I said A.

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Vic, I'm going to say that you're a genius. And it is B.

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You are correct, sir.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I've been to Elton's house.

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The answer is B, while struggling to sleep one night,

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he phoned his agent to demand that something be done about the wind outside.

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Elton and David were saddened recently when there were told

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they couldn't adopt a young Ukrainian child

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because they were described as being too old.

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Now, for those who don't speak Ukrainian,

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"old" roughly translates as

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"massively gay". So...

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Sad.

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Phill, Theo, and Nick, have a look at this.

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# Why you so obsessed with me...? #

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The UK hasn't seen much of this lady since she was a guest mentor on the X Factor.

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Presumably it's because Cheryl Cole managed to have her deported.

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It's Mariah Carey.

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# ..Boy, you're losing You're losing your mind... #

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That was Mariah Carey with Obsessed.

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Now, my question for you is, what does she demand for her dog at her shows?

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A, it only be bathed in mineral water?

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B, her entourage stage a theatrical show for the dog's enjoyment?

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Or C, someone dresses up as Mariah so the dog doesn't forget about her while she's on stage?

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-All mental.

-Again, every one is mental.

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Can I just say the key word there was "delusional". It's the only word I picked out.

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And she plays EVERY character. What is this? The beard was the weirdest.

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-Look at her.

-Look at the beard!

-Yeah!

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What it is, she demands puppies and kittens when she arrives in places.

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-That can't be true.

-What does she do? Go, "Puppy, great!"

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Bin. Bin.

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-Bin.

-She doesn't kill them!

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-It's not puppies or kittens, it's puppies AND kittens.

-Yeah, they mix.

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Surely they hate that?

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They're fighty and pissy.

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That's what she likes about it, the raw animal nature.

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-Do you think they remind her of herself?

-Maybe.

-Fighty and pissy.

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She saddles them up. Races kitten armies.

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I always demand several otters bathed in turpentine whenever I turn up at World Of Sport.

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I was in your dressing room, that's true. I thought they were slippers.

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I have to interrupt because I am interested about what you do and your music

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and I think it's incredible and you recorded a song with Kylie.

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-We did.

-How did that happen? She's incredible.

-She's tiny.

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They put a glass over her.

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Got a postcard and slid it under.

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-Smuggled her in the mail? What's the song she sings on?

-Devotion.

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I'd love it to be some sort of a fairy-tale, but we just wrote her a letter

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that just said, "G-day. Are you up for it?"

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She was like, "G'day. I'll do it."

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I sent her a letter like that - nothing.

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I suppose it's the Polaroids.

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Who's the coolest person you've ever sung a duet with?

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I'd have to say Lemmy from Motorhead.

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That's amazing.

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APPLAUSE

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I can't classify it as a duet.

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It was really I sang back-up on...

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-SHE SHOUTS:

-Kill By Death!

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LAUGHTER

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That's how it goes.

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The wart - is it real or is it playdough?

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That's Kylie, crouching.

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PHILL LAUGHS

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So, is it A, B or C?

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-We're going to try the technique that worked so well for Team Fielding.

-OK.

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I think it's B.

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-You might think it's something else.

-I think it's A.

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I want to go with the one, just because the fascinating situation of someone dressed up as her.

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-So we each think it's something different.

-A, B or C.

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Is there a commander of this ship?

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What's the rule book?

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-It's you!

-You're the commander!

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Don't! Yes! The judge has spoken.

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Somebody is right on this team.

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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What the fuck is it? It was number A.

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-Yeah!

-I was right.

-Go, Grimmy.

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So Mariah demands that her dog be bathed in mineral water.

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That dog is so pampered.

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I really feel for the guy she hired to sniff its arse and lick its balls.

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That was me. That was me.

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Next up, it's the intros round.

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Noel and Kimberly, here are yours for Vic.

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I love your teeth, you maniac!

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You look like I'm about to sacrifice you in... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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whilst a simpleton looks on.

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You look a bit like Prince William with them.

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I don't know what you mean.

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OK, do you want to count us in?

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One, two,

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three, four.

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# Jing jing jing jinga Jing jing jing jinga

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# Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom

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# Ga-doo

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-# Ba-doo

-Donk, donk, donk, donk

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-# Ba-doo

-Donk, donk, donk, donk

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# Chicka-chick chicka-chick chicka-chick ching. #

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Is it the Small Faces?

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I wish it was.

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-I don't know who that was. What was that?

-Do you want it again?

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-Yeah, go on.

-I thought we were quite good.

-I do too.

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# Dink dink-ah Dink dink dink dink-ah

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# Dink dink dink

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# Ba-doo, ba-doo

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# Ba-doo-noo-noo-noo

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# Chickata chickata chickata ching! #

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It's a little fast.

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It's sort of that song if they were doing crystal meth.

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Do y'all have that out here? I'd slow it down a little.

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We're phasing it out.

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I think I know it.

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-Is it the Kinks?

-Ooh!

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Am I in the right area?

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NOEL MAKES A HIGH-PITCHED NOISE

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You need to go a little bit forward.

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-Forward?

-Not too far.

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# Chigga digga digga dum Da-doom doom doom

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# Cig chig chig chigga... #

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The Andrews Sisters.

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Yeah! No. Who?

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OK, pass it over to Phill's team.

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-Can you take this?

-Yes.

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-Do you know what this song is?

-No!

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I think it's the theme to Birds Of A Feather.

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# When we are far

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# And far away

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# What'll I do? #

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Leave it out!

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Is it?

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No.

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Do you give up?

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Is it The Clash, London Calling?

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You better believe it!

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Over to you, it's a steal!

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Here's how it should have sounded.

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MUSIC: "London Calling" by The Clash

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Ah, the bass.

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# London calling... #

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All right, next intro, next intro, please. What do you have for us?

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-It goes downhill from here.

-It does.

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It's like a Time Lord dating site. "Looking for singles from the 1930s?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Freshly off the register, Harold is looking for a new soul mate."

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And...

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One, two, three, four...

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# De-de-de... #

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-# Dow-dow... #

-I don't have it in me!

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# Bow! De-de-de

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# Da-dink dink dink dink

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# Bow!

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# Chinken-dink bah ba-da-dow

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# That is nothing like it Bow da-duh whoo... #

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Car Wash?

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# ..Da-da-da-da-da-da-da... #

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NOEL CAWS Whoo whoo-oo!

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Somebody stop this before I cut my penis off and eat it!

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Sounds a little bit like a dirty movie, what you guys are going for

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-and that's not...

-# Bom chicka wah-wah! #

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Is it Bonkadelic?

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I'll give you a clue.

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It's a female singer

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and she is a badass.

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-Elaine Paige.

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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The answer is Grace Jones.

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# Pull to the bumper, baby. #

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No-one would ever have got that, ever.

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Here's how it should've sounded.

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MUSIC: "Pull Up To The Bumper" by Grace Jones

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VIC MIMES TO SONG'S BASS LINE

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That was Pull Up To The Bumper, Baby, by Grace Jones.

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The lyrics to the song go...

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# Pull up to my bumper, baby In your large black limousine

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# Pull up to my bumper, baby And drive it in between...? #

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Hang on a minute, I think I'm spotting the subtext here.

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I think Grace Jones want someone to crash a car into her asshole.

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We also heard The Clash with London Calling.

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The cover for London Calling famously features the band

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smashing up a guitar on stage and is one of the most iconic images in rock and roll.

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Nothing will match it until N-Dubz smashes up Dappy.

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-Phill's team, you better shape up.

-Yes, madam.

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-Here are yours, I'm giving you the intros, let's make it happen.

-OK.

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My team is quite strong, so this is going to be difficult.

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I don't have any fake teeth to make this funny, but mine are pretty funny already. Have a go on yours?

0:15:300:15:35

-What are you talking about?

-Oh.

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One, two, three, four...

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# Dow, dow-dow-dow, dow

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# Dow, dow-dow-dow Dow-dow, dow-dow-dow-dow

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# Dah-dah, dow-dow Dow, dow-dow

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# Da-da-dow, dow-dow Da-da, dow-dow

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-I can hear it in my head! Sorry.

-Tell me the answer, then.

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I'm not.

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I've got absolutely no idea. I tried not to look at you, to like just...

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I get a lot of that!

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-I liked it, but I don't know what it is.

-You guys take it.

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Do you know the answer?

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You Shook Me All Night Long!

0:16:130:16:15

Yes, people!

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Here is how it should've sounded.

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MUSIC: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC

0:16:230:16:27

You're on it!

0:16:270:16:29

Yes, that was pretty good, actually. Sorry, guys.

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Can I get on this and do a little bit of...? Sorry.

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Yeah, dude, you know this move?

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I'm sorry.

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OK. Next intro, please.

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OK.

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# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

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# Doo, doo, doo!

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# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

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# Chicky, chicky Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... #

0:17:170:17:21

-That was good, wasn't it?

-Everybody knows it, but you.

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You know cos you've got it there.

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Well, no, it's because I'm a little older than you and I know when this song came out.

0:17:300:17:34

What year? Then maybe I'll be able to work it out.

0:17:340:17:37

Oh, OK, well, I was ditching junior high and hanging out in my room,

0:17:370:17:43

-alone. I spent a lot of time there...

-What were you doing?

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And I was listening to this song and it was on the radio and it was 1986.

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Ah. It's good, because I was two.

0:17:540:17:57

Noel's team?

0:17:570:18:01

Rock Me Amadeus. Falco.

0:18:010:18:02

# Baby, baby, do, do me, rock me. #

0:18:020:18:07

Here's how it should have sounded.

0:18:070:18:10

MUSIC: "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco

0:18:100:18:13

HE MUMBLES

0:18:190:18:22

-There you go.

-What was that bit?

0:18:220:18:23

That was Falco with Rock Me Amadeus.

0:18:230:18:27

Falco was planning a comeback in 1998, when he crashed into a bus and died.

0:18:270:18:33

As comebacks go, it's still better than Blue's.

0:18:330:18:37

Round three is the identity parade.

0:18:390:18:43

Noel, Vic and Kimberley, how about some Latin American beats?

0:18:430:18:47

For the audience only, here are Kid Creole And The Coconuts.

0:18:470:18:52

# Oh, Annie

0:18:560:18:58

# I'm not your daddy

0:18:590:19:01

# Oh, Annie

0:19:040:19:07

# I'm not your daddy. #

0:19:080:19:10

That was Kid Creole And The Coconuts with Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy.

0:19:100:19:14

But which one of our line-up is percussionist Coati Mundi?

0:19:140:19:19

Is it number one, Coati Mundi?

0:19:190:19:23

Number two, Happy Mondays?

0:19:230:19:26

Number three, Man Friday?

0:19:260:19:29

Number four, one of The Saturdays?

0:19:290:19:33

Or number five, see you next Tuesday?

0:19:330:19:36

Hey!

0:19:390:19:40

I'm going to give it over to you guys, since you're winning. So you have any guesses?

0:19:420:19:47

-Yes, I have.

-You saw them recently.

0:19:470:19:50

I've seen Kid Creole And The Coconuts recently at a campsite.

0:19:500:19:54

I did, I saw them. They were on.

0:19:580:20:00

Were they staying in a tent?

0:20:000:20:02

They were performing in a tent at the campsite.

0:20:020:20:05

Coati Mundi, the midget bongo player, was there

0:20:050:20:11

and I know him, I can see him. He's actually been staring me out,

0:20:110:20:16

because he knows that I nicked his tent pegs.

0:20:160:20:19

He knows it was me that let his tent down in the night.

0:20:200:20:25

-Did you graffiti his fly sheet?

-Look at him, staring.

0:20:250:20:28

-Can you see him?

-Yes.

-Number two.

-I know.

0:20:280:20:30

-Can you see him staring me out?

-I can.

0:20:300:20:34

Not only did I lay his tent pegs down, I nicked his bongos as well.

0:20:340:20:38

And used them as a toilet.

0:20:380:20:40

Can we get this over with, because he's been staring me out, he's bugging me?

0:20:410:20:46

-Let's find out. Will the real...

-Wait a sec, wait a sec!

0:20:460:20:51

-Whoa!

-Let's find out...

0:20:530:20:54

My bus has already gone.

0:20:540:20:58

-Who have you said?

-Number two, of course it's number two.

0:20:580:21:02

Coati Mundi, and I'm sorry that I nicked your tent pegs and your bongos.

0:21:020:21:08

It's got to be number two. Look at his moustache, like a horseshoe.

0:21:080:21:14

Let's find out. Would the real Coati Mundi please step forward?

0:21:140:21:20

Hey!

0:21:200:21:24

Woo!

0:21:240:21:26

With his new album, Coati Mundi's Dancing For The Cabana Code In The Land Of Boo-Hoo.

0:21:270:21:33

Coati Mundi, ladies and gentlemen.

0:21:330:21:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:360:21:39

Phill, Nick, Theo, what about some '80s R&B jazz-funk?

0:21:440:21:48

-My favourite.

-For the audience only, here is Nu Shooz.

0:21:480:21:51

# You got something that I can't live without

0:21:510:21:57

# Happiness is so hard to find

0:22:000:22:08

# Hey, baby Tell me what is on your mind. #

0:22:090:22:17

That was Nu Shooz with I Can't Wait.

0:22:170:22:20

Which one of our line-up is singer Valerie Day?

0:22:200:22:23

Is it number one, Nu Shooz?

0:22:230:22:26

Number two, old loafers?

0:22:260:22:30

Number three, UGG boots?

0:22:300:22:34

Number four, verruca socks?

0:22:340:22:37

Or number five, load of old cobblers?

0:22:370:22:42

-Um, OK, do you guys have a guess?

-It looks like a meeting of dinner ladies, which is interesting.

0:22:420:22:47

Which is a nice thing because one of you isn't and we're going to pick the one that's not.

0:22:490:22:53

You're implying that four of them are!

0:22:530:22:56

One of them is staring at me so bad.

0:22:560:22:57

I think you'll find the five of them are staring at you now!

0:22:570:23:03

Number two looks like she's going to kill me. Look at that.

0:23:030:23:06

Number two looks like Courtney Love.

0:23:070:23:11

Like, in a compliment, I like her.

0:23:110:23:13

In a good way.

0:23:130:23:15

I love this song.

0:23:150:23:17

I love this song, this is another one of my 1986...

0:23:170:23:21

-When you're in your room on your own?

-Smoking lots of pot, OK? Sorry, I did.

0:23:210:23:26

I think it's maybe one, three or five.

0:23:260:23:32

-Could you do like a sort of early, is it '80s or '90s?

-'86, 1986.

0:23:330:23:38

Like '80s sort of moves for us now?

0:23:380:23:40

It's not two.

0:23:400:23:43

I think it's three.

0:23:440:23:47

Three, me.

0:23:470:23:49

OK, I honestly am such a big fan of Nu Shooz and this song and the singer and I want to find out.

0:23:490:23:56

Would the real Valerie Day please step forward?

0:23:560:24:00

Still performing with Nu Shooz and with a new album,

0:24:060:24:09

Pandora's Box, out now, Valerie Day, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:090:24:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:130:24:16

And at the end of that round, the scores are Noel's team - four.

0:24:220:24:26

Woo!

0:24:260:24:28

Phill, with two!

0:24:280:24:30

So we end with next lines.

0:24:380:24:40

Noel's team, are you, er, fudging sickles? Let me try that again...

0:24:400:24:45

Shish kebabs?

0:24:450:24:48

Flipping, er, high fives?

0:24:480:24:51

-You do know we're live tonight, don't you?

-Oh, my dear.

0:24:510:24:54

You should do Children In Need.

0:24:540:24:57

I'm really getting that this show is the blind leading the blind. Is that what we're here to learn?

0:24:570:25:03

-It looks like it, doesn't it?

-Yes.

0:25:030:25:05

Thank you, Vic. We end with next lines.

0:25:070:25:10

Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first and your time starts now!

0:25:100:25:16

Your time starts now!

0:25:200:25:22

# I'm so dizzy My head is spinning... #

0:25:220:25:26

NOEL: # Like a whirl... #

0:25:280:25:29

VIC MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

0:25:290:25:31

# Telephone, but...

0:25:310:25:33

# Want to telephone, but... #

0:25:330:25:35

Like a whirlpool, it never ends.

0:25:350:25:37

Yes! Thank you, Noel.

0:25:370:25:39

That's right, that's what I said.

0:25:390:25:40

# Don't you wish your girlfriend... #

0:25:420:25:46

Was hot like me?

0:25:440:25:46

Don't you wish your girlfriend could...

0:25:460:25:50

Kimberley, you know this!

0:25:500:25:51

Freak like me!

0:25:510:25:53

Yes, yes, she was a freak!

0:25:530:25:55

Glaciers fall, but still won't leave you.

0:25:570:26:00

Is this yours? This you again?

0:26:000:26:03

-Concentrate, green eyes.

-Yes.

0:26:030:26:05

SHE HUMS

0:26:060:26:09

I need sound so I can see you!

0:26:090:26:12

That is Her Majesty & The Wolves.

0:26:120:26:14

Is this going all right? I don't know.

0:26:140:26:17

Welcome to Shooting Stars.

0:26:170:26:23

Welcome, whoever you are.

0:26:200:26:23

Yes, Vic Reeves, Shooting Stars theme song, you freaks!

0:26:230:26:28

# We're the kids in America! #

0:26:280:26:33

Whoa-oh!

0:26:310:26:33

-Did someone win? Oh...

-APPLAUSE

0:26:330:26:37

-I think you're doing really well.

-Thank you, Noel.

0:26:390:26:42

I'm liking your performance immensely.

0:26:420:26:45

OK, you know what, it's just encouraging the creepy, so...

0:26:450:26:49

Phill's team, you need eight points to win, your time starts now.

0:26:500:26:56

And then a hero comes along...

0:26:560:27:00

With the strength to carry on.

0:26:580:27:00

Yes! Mariah Carey, Hero. Oh, it's...

0:27:000:27:02

I listen to it sometimes, don't look at me like that.

0:27:020:27:05

Sometimes when I'm feeling low, I put it on. Carry on.

0:27:050:27:11

Oh, it's such a perfect day.

0:27:110:27:17

Such a perfect day.

0:27:140:27:17

I'm glad I spent it with you.

0:27:150:27:17

Yes! Lou Reed, Perfect Day.

0:27:170:27:19

-Back in black.

-I don't know the next line.

0:27:190:27:22

I hit the fucking sack!

0:27:220:27:24

AC/DC, Back In Black.

0:27:240:27:26

I don't like them. Next question.

0:27:260:27:29

She's got a story to tell and it won't take long.

0:27:310:27:38

Show me on the puppet what he did wrong.

0:27:340:27:38

APPLAUSE

0:27:380:27:41

You were so close. It's a song I wrote off my last record,

0:27:440:27:48

Terra Incognita. So many different ways it all went wrong, so there you go.

0:27:480:27:52

Personal ditty.

0:27:520:27:55

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:27:550:27:58

It's the end of our show.

0:28:030:28:06

Noel, you won with nine!

0:28:080:28:09

You lost with eight!

0:28:090:28:11

So close!

0:28:140:28:18

So close.

0:28:210:28:23

You guys, in this game, truly everybody wins.

0:28:240:28:28

Thanks to Phill, Nick and Theo, Noel, Kimberley and Vic.

0:28:280:28:32

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, what the fuck did I just do?

0:28:320:28:37

Good night! Woo!

0:28:370:28:39

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:490:28:51

Email [email protected]

0:28:510:28:54

Anarchic, award-winning pop quiz.

Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest host Juliette Lewis plus guest panellists Theo Hutchcraft, Nick Grimshaw, Kimberly Wyatt and Vic Reeves.


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