Episode 9 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello and welcome to the show.

I'm Juliette Lewis, your host for this evening.

Isn't this what you've always wanted?

Me, hosting a pop quiz? Well, tonight...

Yeah! Tonight, your dreams have come true.

Maybe they're my dreams.

Let the fun and the games begin.

Are you ready?

On Noel's team tonight is...

She famously sang, "When I grow up, I want to be famous,

"I want to be a star, I want to be in movies."

Failing that, she'll take a seat on a mediocre pop quiz.

It's Kimberly Wyatt.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's one half of the funniest double act in showbiz,

unless you include Simon Cowell's man boobs,

it's Vic Reeves.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight...

# We say goodbye in the pouring rain... #

He's part of the synth-pop duo Hurts,

so he should fit right in on this show

because it's going to be painful.

It's Theo Hutchcraft.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's a Radio 1 DJ and a T4 presenter.

He couldn't be cooler if he was playing Hacky Sack on a skateboard with Roland Rat,

it's Nick Cowabunga Grimshaw.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cowabunga?

I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm sort of a puppeteer...

-No, I'm the puppet. No, that's not good.

-LAUGHTER

You are the puppeteer and we are merely your puppets.

OK. I'll try to think that way.

Um...

So we begin with Don't You Know Who I Am?

Noel, Vic, Kimberly, take a look at this.

# I'm still standing

# Better than I ever did... #

He wanders around in tracksuits, loves football,

he says Saturday nights are all right for fighting.

If it wasn't for David Furnish, he'd be the straightest man in pop.

It's Elton John.

# ..I'm still standing

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

That was Elton John with I'm Still Standing,

but what did he demand while on tour in Germany in the '70s?

-Oh, that's easy. Carry on.

-LAUGHTER

A, was it that he be allowed to speak German despite not being able to?

Was it B, that his agent do something about the weather?

Or, C, that everybody pretends they were in France?

A, B or C? What?

Every one of those is mental.

Like, there's not one that's normal.

-It's not your question.

-It's an observation of the mentalness.

-I met Elton John once.

-Did you?

-I went to his house.

-No!

And he's got a swimming pool with like a pair of specs,

one with salt water and one with fresh water.

One with cod in it and one with trout.

Anyway...

Honestly, I can't...

In his recent autopsy, it was discovered that he's got no bones in his legs.

Which makes that video a bit redundant, if you ask me.

Also, apparently, he taught a sort of lemur to fire peaches at him out of a tennis ball machine.

One knocked his house so he fired him.

And that...

That lemur's now living in Croydon in...

er, a shopping centre.

-He also...

-Oh, my God, yeah?

-I don't know if anyone knows this,

but he lived in a haunted telephone box for many years,

which accounts for his style.

Juliette, you must have got an answer out of that lot?

-I can't believe...

-LAUGHTER

So, that was all really fascinating.

But none of those answers were A, B and C. So...

But maybe Kimberly can throw some light on it because you met Elton John, right?

I did. I performed with Elton at an awards show.

He played the piano and I sat on the back dancing.

-On the back of the piano?

-On the back of the bench.

On the back of the bench!

-Really?

-On his back as he trotted around.

Did he have any bones in his legs?

-I don't know, he was sitting so I couldn't tell.

-Exactly.

I assume that he does.

-Are your eyes real?

-They are.

I grew 'em myself.

They're so green! It's frightening.

-They look like science-fiction eyes.

-Yeah?

Yeah.

They actually penetrated through Noel to my hand then.

Special powers.

So, A, B or C, what do you guess?

I say, by watching the video, it would be C.

-Really?

-I think it's B.

-Really?

-I KNOW it's B.

-What, his agent...

He tried to command the wind... when I was with him.

And when he was in Germany, he tried to command the wind there.

Kimberly has ridden his shoulder so I think Kimberly knows.

Wait... I don't know how to do this if somebody said B and somebody said C.

-Well, he said A.

-I said A.

Vic, I'm going to say that you're a genius. And it is B.

You are correct, sir.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I've been to Elton's house.

The answer is B, while struggling to sleep one night,

he phoned his agent to demand that something be done about the wind outside.

Elton and David were saddened recently when there were told

they couldn't adopt a young Ukrainian child

because they were described as being too old.

Now, for those who don't speak Ukrainian,

"old" roughly translates as

"massively gay". So...

Sad.

Phill, Theo, and Nick, have a look at this.

# Why you so obsessed with me...? #

The UK hasn't seen much of this lady since she was a guest mentor on the X Factor.

Presumably it's because Cheryl Cole managed to have her deported.

It's Mariah Carey.

# ..Boy, you're losing You're losing your mind... #

That was Mariah Carey with Obsessed.

Now, my question for you is, what does she demand for her dog at her shows?

A, it only be bathed in mineral water?

B, her entourage stage a theatrical show for the dog's enjoyment?

Or C, someone dresses up as Mariah so the dog doesn't forget about her while she's on stage?

-All mental.

-Again, every one is mental.

Can I just say the key word there was "delusional". It's the only word I picked out.

And she plays EVERY character. What is this? The beard was the weirdest.

-Look at her.

-Look at the beard!

-Yeah!

What it is, she demands puppies and kittens when she arrives in places.

-That can't be true.

-What does she do? Go, "Puppy, great!"

Bin. Bin.

-Bin.

-She doesn't kill them!

-It's not puppies or kittens, it's puppies AND kittens.

-Yeah, they mix.

Surely they hate that?

They're fighty and pissy.

That's what she likes about it, the raw animal nature.

-Do you think they remind her of herself?

-Maybe.

-Fighty and pissy.

She saddles them up. Races kitten armies.

I always demand several otters bathed in turpentine whenever I turn up at World Of Sport.

I was in your dressing room, that's true. I thought they were slippers.

I have to interrupt because I am interested about what you do and your music

and I think it's incredible and you recorded a song with Kylie.

-We did.

-How did that happen? She's incredible.

-She's tiny.

They put a glass over her.

Got a postcard and slid it under.

-Smuggled her in the mail? What's the song she sings on?

-Devotion.

I'd love it to be some sort of a fairy-tale, but we just wrote her a letter

that just said, "G-day. Are you up for it?"

She was like, "G'day. I'll do it."

I sent her a letter like that - nothing.

I suppose it's the Polaroids.

Who's the coolest person you've ever sung a duet with?

I'd have to say Lemmy from Motorhead.

That's amazing.

APPLAUSE

I can't classify it as a duet.

It was really I sang back-up on...

-SHE SHOUTS:

-Kill By Death!

LAUGHTER

That's how it goes.

The wart - is it real or is it playdough?

That's Kylie, crouching.

PHILL LAUGHS

So, is it A, B or C?

-We're going to try the technique that worked so well for Team Fielding.

-OK.

I think it's B.

-You might think it's something else.

-I think it's A.

I want to go with the one, just because the fascinating situation of someone dressed up as her.

-So we each think it's something different.

-A, B or C.

Is there a commander of this ship?

What's the rule book?

-It's you!

-You're the commander!

Don't! Yes! The judge has spoken.

Somebody is right on this team.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

What the fuck is it? It was number A.

-Yeah!

-I was right.

-Go, Grimmy.

So Mariah demands that her dog be bathed in mineral water.

That dog is so pampered.

I really feel for the guy she hired to sniff its arse and lick its balls.

That was me. That was me.

Next up, it's the intros round.

Noel and Kimberly, here are yours for Vic.

I love your teeth, you maniac!

You look like I'm about to sacrifice you in... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

whilst a simpleton looks on.

You look a bit like Prince William with them.

I don't know what you mean.

OK, do you want to count us in?

One, two,

three, four.

# Jing jing jing jinga Jing jing jing jinga

# Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom

# Ga-doo

-# Ba-doo

-Donk, donk, donk, donk

-# Ba-doo

-Donk, donk, donk, donk

# Chicka-chick chicka-chick chicka-chick ching. #

Is it the Small Faces?

I wish it was.

-I don't know who that was. What was that?

-Do you want it again?

-Yeah, go on.

-I thought we were quite good.

-I do too.

# Dink dink-ah Dink dink dink dink-ah

# Dink dink dink

# Ba-doo, ba-doo

# Ba-doo-noo-noo-noo

# Chickata chickata chickata ching! #

It's a little fast.

It's sort of that song if they were doing crystal meth.

Do y'all have that out here? I'd slow it down a little.

We're phasing it out.

I think I know it.

-Is it the Kinks?

-Ooh!

Am I in the right area?

NOEL MAKES A HIGH-PITCHED NOISE

You need to go a little bit forward.

-Forward?

-Not too far.

# Chigga digga digga dum Da-doom doom doom

# Cig chig chig chigga... #

The Andrews Sisters.

Yeah! No. Who?

OK, pass it over to Phill's team.

-Can you take this?

-Yes.

-Do you know what this song is?

-No!

I think it's the theme to Birds Of A Feather.

# When we are far

# And far away

# What'll I do? #

Leave it out!

Is it?

No.

Do you give up?

Is it The Clash, London Calling?

You better believe it!

Over to you, it's a steal!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "London Calling" by The Clash

Ah, the bass.

# London calling... #

All right, next intro, next intro, please. What do you have for us?

-It goes downhill from here.

-It does.

It's like a Time Lord dating site. "Looking for singles from the 1930s?"

LAUGHTER

"Freshly off the register, Harold is looking for a new soul mate."

And...

One, two, three, four...

# De-de-de... #

-# Dow-dow... #

-I don't have it in me!

# Bow! De-de-de

# Da-dink dink dink dink

# Bow!

# Chinken-dink bah ba-da-dow

# That is nothing like it Bow da-duh whoo... #

Car Wash?

# ..Da-da-da-da-da-da-da... #

NOEL CAWS Whoo whoo-oo!

Somebody stop this before I cut my penis off and eat it!

Sounds a little bit like a dirty movie, what you guys are going for

-and that's not...

-# Bom chicka wah-wah! #

Is it Bonkadelic?

I'll give you a clue.

It's a female singer

and she is a badass.

-Elaine Paige.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

The answer is Grace Jones.

# Pull to the bumper, baby. #

No-one would ever have got that, ever.

Here's how it should've sounded.

MUSIC: "Pull Up To The Bumper" by Grace Jones

VIC MIMES TO SONG'S BASS LINE

That was Pull Up To The Bumper, Baby, by Grace Jones.

The lyrics to the song go...

# Pull up to my bumper, baby In your large black limousine

# Pull up to my bumper, baby And drive it in between...? #

Hang on a minute, I think I'm spotting the subtext here.

I think Grace Jones want someone to crash a car into her asshole.

We also heard The Clash with London Calling.

The cover for London Calling famously features the band

smashing up a guitar on stage and is one of the most iconic images in rock and roll.

Nothing will match it until N-Dubz smashes up Dappy.

-Phill's team, you better shape up.

-Yes, madam.

-Here are yours, I'm giving you the intros, let's make it happen.

-OK.

My team is quite strong, so this is going to be difficult.

I don't have any fake teeth to make this funny, but mine are pretty funny already. Have a go on yours?

-What are you talking about?

-Oh.

One, two, three, four...

# Dow, dow-dow-dow, dow

# Dow, dow-dow-dow Dow-dow, dow-dow-dow-dow

# Dah-dah, dow-dow Dow, dow-dow

# Da-da-dow, dow-dow Da-da, dow-dow

-I can hear it in my head! Sorry.

-Tell me the answer, then.

I'm not.

I've got absolutely no idea. I tried not to look at you, to like just...

I get a lot of that!

-I liked it, but I don't know what it is.

-You guys take it.

Do you know the answer?

You Shook Me All Night Long!

Yes, people!

Here is how it should've sounded.

MUSIC: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC

You're on it!

Yes, that was pretty good, actually. Sorry, guys.

Can I get on this and do a little bit of...? Sorry.

Yeah, dude, you know this move?

I'm sorry.

OK. Next intro, please.

OK.

# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

# Doo, doo, doo!

# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

# Chicky, chicky Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... #

-That was good, wasn't it?

-Everybody knows it, but you.

You know cos you've got it there.

Well, no, it's because I'm a little older than you and I know when this song came out.

What year? Then maybe I'll be able to work it out.

Oh, OK, well, I was ditching junior high and hanging out in my room,

-alone. I spent a lot of time there...

-What were you doing?

And I was listening to this song and it was on the radio and it was 1986.

Ah. It's good, because I was two.

Noel's team?

Rock Me Amadeus. Falco.

# Baby, baby, do, do me, rock me. #

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco

HE MUMBLES

-There you go.

-What was that bit?

That was Falco with Rock Me Amadeus.

Falco was planning a comeback in 1998, when he crashed into a bus and died.

As comebacks go, it's still better than Blue's.

Round three is the identity parade.

Noel, Vic and Kimberley, how about some Latin American beats?

For the audience only, here are Kid Creole And The Coconuts.

# Oh, Annie

# I'm not your daddy

# Oh, Annie

# I'm not your daddy. #

That was Kid Creole And The Coconuts with Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy.

But which one of our line-up is percussionist Coati Mundi?

Is it number one, Coati Mundi?

Number two, Happy Mondays?

Number three, Man Friday?

Number four, one of The Saturdays?

Or number five, see you next Tuesday?

Hey!

I'm going to give it over to you guys, since you're winning. So you have any guesses?

-Yes, I have.

-You saw them recently.

I've seen Kid Creole And The Coconuts recently at a campsite.

I did, I saw them. They were on.

Were they staying in a tent?

They were performing in a tent at the campsite.

Coati Mundi, the midget bongo player, was there

and I know him, I can see him. He's actually been staring me out,

because he knows that I nicked his tent pegs.

He knows it was me that let his tent down in the night.

-Did you graffiti his fly sheet?

-Look at him, staring.

-Can you see him?

-Yes.

-Number two.

-I know.

-Can you see him staring me out?

-I can.

Not only did I lay his tent pegs down, I nicked his bongos as well.

And used them as a toilet.

Can we get this over with, because he's been staring me out, he's bugging me?

-Let's find out. Will the real...

-Wait a sec, wait a sec!

-Whoa!

-Let's find out...

My bus has already gone.

-Who have you said?

-Number two, of course it's number two.

Coati Mundi, and I'm sorry that I nicked your tent pegs and your bongos.

It's got to be number two. Look at his moustache, like a horseshoe.

Let's find out. Would the real Coati Mundi please step forward?

Hey!

Woo!

With his new album, Coati Mundi's Dancing For The Cabana Code In The Land Of Boo-Hoo.

Coati Mundi, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phill, Nick, Theo, what about some '80s R&B jazz-funk?

-My favourite.

-For the audience only, here is Nu Shooz.

# You got something that I can't live without

# Happiness is so hard to find

# Hey, baby Tell me what is on your mind. #

That was Nu Shooz with I Can't Wait.

Which one of our line-up is singer Valerie Day?

Is it number one, Nu Shooz?

Number two, old loafers?

Number three, UGG boots?

Number four, verruca socks?

Or number five, load of old cobblers?

-Um, OK, do you guys have a guess?

-It looks like a meeting of dinner ladies, which is interesting.

Which is a nice thing because one of you isn't and we're going to pick the one that's not.

You're implying that four of them are!

One of them is staring at me so bad.

I think you'll find the five of them are staring at you now!

Number two looks like she's going to kill me. Look at that.

Number two looks like Courtney Love.

Like, in a compliment, I like her.

In a good way.

I love this song.

I love this song, this is another one of my 1986...

-When you're in your room on your own?

-Smoking lots of pot, OK? Sorry, I did.

I think it's maybe one, three or five.

-Could you do like a sort of early, is it '80s or '90s?

-'86, 1986.

Like '80s sort of moves for us now?

It's not two.

I think it's three.

Three, me.

OK, I honestly am such a big fan of Nu Shooz and this song and the singer and I want to find out.

Would the real Valerie Day please step forward?

Still performing with Nu Shooz and with a new album,

Pandora's Box, out now, Valerie Day, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, the scores are Noel's team - four.

Woo!

Phill, with two!

So we end with next lines.

Noel's team, are you, er, fudging sickles? Let me try that again...

Shish kebabs?

Flipping, er, high fives?

-You do know we're live tonight, don't you?

-Oh, my dear.

You should do Children In Need.

I'm really getting that this show is the blind leading the blind. Is that what we're here to learn?

-It looks like it, doesn't it?

-Yes.

Thank you, Vic. We end with next lines.

Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first and your time starts now!

Your time starts now!

# I'm so dizzy My head is spinning... #

NOEL: # Like a whirl... #

VIC MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

# Telephone, but...

# Want to telephone, but... #

Like a whirlpool, it never ends.

Yes! Thank you, Noel.

That's right, that's what I said.

# Don't you wish your girlfriend... #

Was hot like me?

Don't you wish your girlfriend could...

Kimberley, you know this!

Freak like me!

Yes, yes, she was a freak!

Glaciers fall, but still won't leave you.

Is this yours? This you again?

-Concentrate, green eyes.

-Yes.

SHE HUMS

I need sound so I can see you!

That is Her Majesty & The Wolves.

Is this going all right? I don't know.

Welcome to Shooting Stars.

Welcome, whoever you are.

Yes, Vic Reeves, Shooting Stars theme song, you freaks!

# We're the kids in America! #

Whoa-oh!

-Did someone win? Oh...

-APPLAUSE

-I think you're doing really well.

-Thank you, Noel.

I'm liking your performance immensely.

OK, you know what, it's just encouraging the creepy, so...

Phill's team, you need eight points to win, your time starts now.

And then a hero comes along...

With the strength to carry on.

Yes! Mariah Carey, Hero. Oh, it's...

I listen to it sometimes, don't look at me like that.

Sometimes when I'm feeling low, I put it on. Carry on.

Oh, it's such a perfect day.

Such a perfect day.

I'm glad I spent it with you.

Yes! Lou Reed, Perfect Day.

-Back in black.

-I don't know the next line.

I hit the fucking sack!

AC/DC, Back In Black.

I don't like them. Next question.

She's got a story to tell and it won't take long.

Show me on the puppet what he did wrong.

APPLAUSE

You were so close. It's a song I wrote off my last record,

Terra Incognita. So many different ways it all went wrong, so there you go.

Personal ditty.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

It's the end of our show.

Noel, you won with nine!

You lost with eight!

So close!

So close.

You guys, in this game, truly everybody wins.

Thanks to Phill, Nick and Theo, Noel, Kimberley and Vic.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, what the fuck did I just do?

Good night! Woo!

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