Episode 10 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello.

Hello!

Hello.

Recognise me? No?

Well, I'm Josh Groban. Sure, I'm one of America's biggest selling stars.

I've conquered the worlds of pop/opera, and I've captured the hearts of a nation.

But I always knew there was something else out there, something smaller.

A lower calling, if you will.

So I hopped on a steam boat named Destiny with nothing

but a suitcase full of dreams and a fabulous singing voice.

I said, "Take me to London, Englandshire."

So, if you're watching, Your Majesty,

would you do me the honour of allowing me to Never Mind Your Buzzcocks?

On Phill's team tonight...

He's a man who, last time he was on the show, was the subject

of a running joke about his diminutive stature.

There'll be none of that on my watch.

It's rapping short-ass Tinchy Stryder.

This guest needs no introduction because, frankly, it wouldn't help anyway.

It's funtime comedian Charlie Baker.

And on Noel's team...

# Choose my weapon... #

Suddenly I see this is what I want to be, the token lady guest on our midweek pop quiz.

But what a lady guest. It's guitar-wielding Scottish lady guest KT Tunstall.

SHE MOUTHS

He's the king of the West End.

It's great he's here, but not so great for the pensioners outside the Palladium who, right about now,

are staring at their £60 tickets and saying, "I guess it's Beppe tonight, then."

It's Michael Ball!

We begin with Sorry, No Refunds.

Phill, Tinchy and Charlie, take a look see at this.

# Yeah... #

Little tip for you - if your sex is on fire, just dip it in yoghurt.

But remember not to put it back in the fridge after.

It's dirty rock monarchy Kings Of Leon.

# Consumed

# With what's to transpire... #

That was Kings Of Leon with Sex On Fire.

But why did the band pull out of a show mid-performance earlier this year?

Was it because A, the stage became overrun with Labradors?

B, they thought they spotted a bear in the crowd? Or C, they were being pooped on

by pigeons in the rafters above?

Pooped on?

You come over here like the Marines did during the war, having sex with my Nan.

-Dirty boy.

-I know. I'm sorry.

I've never had any animals in my crowd.

I have thousands of cougars, but that doesn't count.

-Hello!

-Tinchy, have you ever had a bear in your audience?

If I had a bear in the audience, I'd never perform again.

Because of bearophobia?

-What would you do if you were performing and you see a bear there?

-Where did you do your last gig?

I done my last gig in, I think, was it... I can't remember.

-Where's your next gig?

-Next gig's in Shepherd's Bush.

There's a kind of bear you might get in Shepherd's Bush, I tell you that for nothing.

You know for a fact I'm coming to Shepherd's Bush dressed as a bear now.

An aristocratic bear, drinking sherry. "Hello, Tinchy."

If it is the bear one, it's a sad indictment on the state of current rock and rollers

that they're going off if a bear's coming.

If that was Ozzy Osborne or Lemmy, he'd take it backstage, have a pint of cider with it,

play it at pool, something like that.

-Then bite its head off.

-Exactly.

-Phill had such confidence in his answer/that I've had sex with his mom.

-Not my mother!

Oh, your nan, excuse me.

I implied you had sex with my dead nan.

That's the next episode of Glee, I think.

What was the third option, Mr Groban?

Pigeons pooping from the rafters.

-Pooping?

-Pooping. Poohing.

-I know, I...

-Shatting.

-Shatting?!

-Shitting.

Would you say shat...? Shittin'? Shittin'.

-Have you ever cancelled a gig, Tinchy?

-No, no-one's ever been pooping on my head, no.

I've never cancelled a gig, man.

I nearly did one time. I was about to go on and I was having double vision.

I couldn't see too clear. But they was like, "No, it's a bit too late now." So I went out there.

You pretended you were playing to twice as many people.

"Man, I am crushing this gig! Look at them all!"

"There's two bears!"

You have a new album coming out called Third Reich.

-Third strike.

-Right, OK.

Good. I'll be getting that.

Final answer?

-Pigeons.

-I think it's the pigeons.

Let's see. You're right!

The answer is C, they were being pooped on by pigeons in the rafters above.

Some even hit their bass player in the mouth.

The annoying thing was they were homing pigeons and continued to shit on them every date of their tour.

Kings Of Leon recently refused to lend their music to Glee for fear of losing their integrity.

I actually appeared on Glee for purely artistic reasons.

I made a statue out of cash.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Oh, gee.

Noel, KT and Michael, take a gander at this.

# And I was like Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

He's one of those American singers that everyone's heard of, but no-one knows their music.

I hate those guys. Look at him, all twee and punchable.

It's Justin Bieber.

# Thought you'd always be mine, mine

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

That was Justin Bieber with Baby.

Why did he pull out of a recent gig in Australia?

Was it because A, he had the end of one finger amputated after getting it stuck in a yo-yo?

B, there were security fears after fans wound themselves up into a dangerous frenzy?

Or C, he got arrested after making threats on Twitter?

-I've never seen him before.

-No?

That was your first time seeing him?

Yeah. He's like a little chocolate finger. He's lovely, isn't he?

He's like a pinky wafer. I just want to dip him in my tea. I love him.

-He's got a group of fans called the Beliebers.

-The Beliebers?

What are your fans called?

I've got some fans called Grobanites.

CHEERING

Are there any in?

-I don't know. Michael, do you... Ball-boys?

-I have Ballettes.

And if they're boys, the Ball-bags.

You know, what's weird about Bieber is I read that he said

to a floor manager, during a show, "Don't fucking touch me again."

That is not the face of someone who says, "Don't fucking touch me again."

He might be saying it in that picture. "Don't fucking touch me again.

"Double dog dare you."

I can't wait for it to be on Fox News and CNN.

"Justin Bieber's balls have dropped.

"We have news from Bieber headquarters."

This is what happened to Aled Jones.

He was like angel boy, everyone loved him. Balls dropped.

(HIGH PITCHED) # Walking in the... # (LOW-PITCHED) # Air. #

I'd love to have been at that gig.

-That happened. Seriously, that happened when I was in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

-No way!

This little boy had been in it for nine months. He was nearly my height.

He was singing, (HIGH-PITCHED) "We don't live in a windmill, we live in a... (LOW-PITCHED) ..castle."

-I swear.

-Let's find an answer to this. Do we remember...?

Did he do something wrong on Twitter?

Tinchy, you've done some bad things on Twitter?

No, man, Twitter's a place where you forget the whole world can read and see what you're saying.

It's like your fingers are just...

-You've got to keep it real on Twitter.

-Keep it real, man.

I have some of your tweets and I think it would be kept even more real if I read them.

Yeah.

"GMA, Jimay's album brought good vibes out of me.

"Now it's Tinnie's time."

-It's JME, not Jimmy.

-Oh, sorry. JME.

-And it's not Tinnie, it's Tinie.

-Tinie!

-Have you done any rapping, Josh?

-No.

-I think you'd be excellent.

-Really?

-Yeah, excellent rapper.

-J-Gro.

-Yeah, see?

-Why J-Gro?

-I don't know if you caught at beginning, my name is Josh Groban.

-APPLAUSE

-I sing.

I'm usually like this.

But I thought I'd hip it up a little bit.

You guys, you and KT, are so cool. I really do feel like

-a complete dweeb up here.

-Look, Josh, some artists are cool and make people feel rock and roll.

And some artists make ladies ovulate.

Somebody has to do that ninja thing you do with your hand and look in the camera

and make their ovaries twitch. Look.

Right now, pregnancy rates in Britain spiralling.

Oh, my God, the babies are coming!

Yes! Yes! Oh, my God!

He's just reversed my vasectomy, ladies and gentleman.

-Can I tell you my rapping story?

-Oh, please.

I went into a shop in Edinburgh to buy a present for my mum.

There was a really young Scottish girl behind the counter.

I said to her, "Do you wrap?"

And she went, "No, I've never tried it!"

No, it's a present.

You think I go around in the town where I'm having a gig to find an MC?

-We definitely need an answer.

-We'll go with riot.

Go with the riot? You're right.

The answer is B.

The answer is B, there were security fears after his fans

wound themselves up into a frenzy, nicknamed Bieber fever.

Ten fans fainted and others caused a security threat

when they burst through the barriers around the stage.

Interestingly, Justin's young fans call themselves Beliebers,

while most of his older fans are registered Bieberphiles.

People faint at my gigs all the time, though we have managed

to get the numbers down since bringing out my official Josh Groban HRT patches.

That is the end of this round, and at the end of the round

you guys are tied. How about that? That's wonderful.

My grandfather once told me, make an Englishman laugh and he'll forever be your friend.

But make him correctly guess the title of a song simply by crudely singing the beginning of it,

and a Buzzcocks man ye shall be. So, let us play the Intros Round.

Phill and Tinchy, here are yours for Charlie.

Quite nerve-wracking, this bit.

I don't really know any songs, so...

Let me get in my zone.

-Sorry, we don't have hoodies on this show. No hoodies on this show.

-Sorry.

Us and Bluewater, two places you can't have hoods.

OK.

# Daw, daw-daw-daw-daw Daw, daw-daw-daw-daw

# Daw, daw-daw-daw-daw Daw, baw-baw-baw-baw

# Ba, bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam Bam-bam-bam-bam

# Baw, baw-baw-baw Baw, baw-baw-baw

# Baw, baw-baw-baw... #

-Tinchy's not doing anything.

-He's banging, he's banging.

-I'm making the beats.

-You're doubling up on the drums.

I'm giving it, like, a remix.

Oh, right, you were good.

I've a sore throat, so I couldn't... I tried.

-But I'm good at the beats, man.

-This is the first I've heard about this sore throat.

-We've all got a sore throat now, haven't we?

-Yeah, yeah.

-If his voice was sore, I'd be happy to...

-No, you're hosting, there's no singing.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

-Did it ring any bells at all, Charlie?

-It did, is it Nirvana?

I'm going to hand it... What do you guys think it is?

I think that our team will be off to Never, Never Land.

Enter Sandman by Metallica, surely.

You're right.

Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

# Enter night! Goodbye light!

# Take my hand

# Soft rock to Never, Never Land. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I won't tell you again. Hosty, no singy.

-I'm sorry.

-Three, two, one...

# Sca-da-biddly... # HE SCATS

-That's it?

-Yeah.

Is it a modern record?

-That's a question!

-No, no, cos...

"scab-ba-bah" could be scat singing from, like, you know...

Oh, oh, oh!

Is it that, # I'm a... I'm a scatman #?

-Scatman?

-You're right. Very good. Here's how it should've sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

# I'm the Scatman... #

That was Scatman by Scatman John.

Scatman John famously suffered from a stutter,

but used his speech disability to his advantage by singing about it.

Similarly, I'm thinking about writing a song about my disability called "Sucks Being Awesome".

We also heard Metallica with Enter Sandman.

Metallica's music has been blasted at Taliban insurgents in a bid to make them surrender.

It didn't work as well as shouting, "Last one out of the caves thinks women have a right to education."

Noel and Michael, here are yours for KT.

Cool, are you good?

-Yeah, yeah. Are you?

-I'm not.

-Do you want a hat?

-You should have a hat.

-I've got loads of hats under here.

There you go.

-Does it work? Do I look like a knob?

-You look a bit like Suggs. You look like a drunk ice-cream salesman.

Shut up.

If only I were drunk.

-Count me in.

-Two, three, four.

-# Ding, ding, ding, ding

-Bom

-# Ding, ding, ding, ding

-Bom-bom-bom

-# Ding, ding, ding, ding

-Bom-bom-bom

-# Ding, ding, ding, ding

-Bom-bom-bom

# Ding, ding, ding, ding... #

What's happened? What's happened?

# Don-don-don... #

Piano's here, man, not there.

-# Ding, ding, ding, ding

-Don-don-don... #

Thanks, Tinchy. # Ding, ding, ding, ding

-# Ding, ding, ding, ding

-Bom-bom-bom, bom, bom, bom, bom... #

Michael's bass chord progression kind of suggests the song Shine by Take That.

Merely a suggestion. It hints at it.

Gutted. What is Josh Groban? He's not from here. He's a...

He's American.

-And all Americans are...?

-Yanks.

-Yeah.

-All people who aren't from here are...

-Foreign-er.

-No, no.

-No. That's the wrong band.

Oh, is that the wrong song? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I feel like I've been taken on a journey.

We need a name of the song.

Will you be the voice of reason?

-I'll be the voice of reason?

-No.

-Do you want me to...

-Can everyone stop talking in weird riddles?

Cos I'm having a panic attack.

-Phill's team, have a go.

-It's Journey, Don't Stop Believin'.

That's very true. Here's how it should've sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

You guys know this part?

# Just a small town girl

# Living in a lonely world

# Took the midnight train going anywhere! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It was a sing-off.

-It was a total sing-off, and I got the stink-eye from Phill.

Let's do the next one.

# Doo, de-do-de-doo

# De-do-de-doo, do, do... #

Shh!

# Doo, de-do-de-doo

# De-do-de-doo, do, do... #

Shh!

-That's really sexy, Noel!

-NOEL PURRS

I'm getting aroused, as well.

Michael, that was gorgeous. That was just spectacular.

-Yeah, well, that's what I do.

-Hello! Can you see me at all?!

Am I invisible to you? I've got a red top hat on and a fur coat on. Hello!

"Tinchy, you were great. Michael, you were..."

What about me?!

Oh, I know what it is.

-Is it Oh, So Quiet?

-That's right. Here's how it should've sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

You were only off by a key.

Shh!

Shh!

# It's oh, so quiet

# Shhh, shhh... #

That was Bjork with Oh, So Quiet. We also heard Journey with Don't Stop Believin'.

Interestingly, Journey were initially called

The Golden Gate Rhythm Section and only intended to play as a backing group for other artists.

I would've ended up as a backing singer for Michael Buble had it not been for my gorgeous face,

exuberant personality, amazing stage presence and vastly superior talent.

With that, we end that round, and the scores are still tied at 3-3. Good job, fellas.

I met a man on the boat over here, a gnarly old sea captain who said to me,

"Joshua, I've lived a life.

"I've sailed the seven seas, I've sired a child in every continent on this great world,

"but there's one thing that's always eluded me -

"I've never picked out a former band member from a line up of people."

And then he died in my arms.

So, Captain Boatbeard, this is for you.

Phill, Tinchy and Charlie, how about some 80s psychobilly rock?

For the audience only, here is King Kurt.

# Destination Zulu Land

# Hum diddle dee dum Hoo wah hey ho

# Destination Zulu Land

# Hum diddle dee dum Hoo wah hey ho

# Destination Zulu Land

# Come on, boys, jump in the van... #

That was King Kurt with Destination Zulu Land.

Which of our line up is the singer The Smeg?

Number one, King Kurt,

number two, King Kong,

number three, king of the swingers,

number four, kinky old devil,

or number five, 'king 'ell dad, what are you doing here?

-What's the genre of music?

-Psychobilly.

-Psychobilly.

What is that?

They went on a tour once I think for six weeks, it might have only been a month,

Where they didn't bathe. Their crowd threw flour and eggs and all sorts of stuff at them.

-It ended on pancake day.

-Yeah.

Nobody get number two angry for fear that his claws will shoot out of his knuckles.

I'm looking into the future with number five.

Feel like that's how I'm going to look in five-to-ten years.

I think number five wants to kiss somebody.

He's challenging Groban ascendancy in the room.

-I think so, yeah!

-I can feel the demographic shifting.

This is like Yoda versus Darth Sidious.

Number four's got a lot of tattoos. I want some more colours in my tattoos.

So you're doing some shopping?

Yeah. Yeah, man.

Number one looks like Al Pacino in Scarface.

Say hello to my lil' frien'!

-I think number three.

-I think it's three.

-Number three.

Let's find out.

Would the real The Smeg please step forward?

-There he is!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Still living the dream, The Smeg, ladies and gentlemen!

Noel, KT and Michael, what about some '80s jazz funk?

For the audience only, here is Shakatak.

# Flying through the night

# Floating on a wind

# To the city lights

# Night birds With the love they bring... #

That was Shakatak with Night Birds.

Which of our lineup is singer Jackie Rawe?

Is it number one, Shakatak?

Number two, heart attack?

Number three, back, sack and crack?

Number four, kick-knack, paddy-whack?

Or number five, addicted to smack?

There's definitely a Jackie there. Number three is Jackie Stallone.

Do you remember? She looks like Jackie Stallone.

In a nice way.

I think that number one is my auntie.

-Number one's looking fierce.

-Totally fierce.

The hiking boots on number three, that's not happening.

If you've ever been in a band

you're not going to come on telly in hiking boots.

I think that there is star quality oozing from number two.

-I totally agree.

-A sparkle.

-Really?

-Without a doubt.

There is also this thing that you have to bear in mind.

As a singer, you get used to getting your photograph taken.

At one point in your career as a female performer, someone, be it a stylist or someone, will say to you,

"A really good thing to do is give yourself a cocked leg."

In a photo. You don't stand like that, you go like that.

Number two is cocking the leg.

It's a give away. Telltale singer sign.

It's out of two and four.

-Do you think it's two?

-Number two.

She has a sassy stance.

-It's number two.

-Yeah? All right.

Let's find out. Would the real Jackie Rawe please step forward?

Oh, the fierce one! She's so fierce.

She's so fierce.

Oh, no. I can't believe it, my auntie was in Shakatak.

With her album, My Truth, out now, Jackie Rawe, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Apologies.

And at the end of that round it looks like Phill's team is ahead by one, 4-3.

Good job, you.

In America, where I'm really famous by the way,

we have a saying.

"When you've heard one line of a song, only a fool attempts to guess the next."

Call me a fool, but I ain't going to live by those rules, Uncle Sam.

It's time for Next Lines.

Phill, your team is in the lead, we're starting with you.

When the moon hits the sky...

Like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

You raise me up...

-So I can stand on mountains?

-Very good!

Oh, yeah, you don't know any songs, Charlie(!)

Josh Groban, you raise me up. Very good.

Yeah, heh...

That's in loads of songs, man.

Pick one.

I don't know one.

Your sex is on fire. Kings Of Leon.

Ska-daba-daba dee dab-dab dadab-do...

I'm the Scatman.

Scatman John, Scatman. Then I go and spoil it all...

By saying something stupid like... # I love you. #

Very good, guys. Wow.

Phill's team have ten points. You need seven to win. Let's begin.

Goodness gracious...

-Great balls of fire.

-Jerry Lee Lewis. Suddenly I see...

(OPERATIC VOICE) # This is what I want to be. #

You Grobanated that one.

KT Tunstall, suddenly I see. One step out of time...

One reason to put this love on the line.

We have a fan. Michael Ball.

The phantom of the opera is here...

Inside your mind.

Always. Andrew Lloyd Webber. # Oh, say can you see... #

Oi, oi, oi!

Oh, say can you see...

By the dawn's early light.

There you go. Star Spangled Banner.

I dreamed a dream...

-In time gone by.

-Les Miserables.

-END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

-I dreamed a dream. That's it.

That's it.

That puts Noel's team ahead by one point, 11-10.

That is our show. Noel's team wins, congratulations to all of you.

Well, I've had an incredible time...

-MUSIC: I Dreamed A Dream

-What's that?

Oh, I hear music. I hear music.

Michael, will you make my dream come true?

-Join me. Phill, fuck off.

-CHEERING

You know the lyrics, studio audience!

Are you ready for the key change?

# And still I dream she'll come to me... # Michael.

# That we will live the years together

# But there are dreams that cannot be... #

-Oh, sell it, Josh!

-Together!

# And there are storms we cannot weather

-# I had a dream my life would be

-I never dreamed my life would be

# So different from this hell I'm living

# So different from this hell I'm living

# So different now from what it seems

# Now life has killed

# The dream we dreamed. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Michael Ball!

-Josh Groban!

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Thank you, Great Britain.

Thanks to you Phill, Tinchy and Charlie, Noel, KT and Michael.

I've been Josh Groban and you've been profoundly moved.

Good night!

Ah, thank you.

You guys!

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