Episode 11 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the show.

I'm Robert Webb. As we all know, I'm the cool one from Mitchell and Webb,

because I've been to five more gigs than David.

Yep. I've been to six.

On Noel's team...

# I see you driving round town with the girl I love... #

He released the song F You, but changed it to Forget You

so it could be played on the radio. If he thinks he can peddle that kind of filth here,

he can forget right off.

It's top pop mother-forgetter Cee Lo Green.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's the popular presenter of Springwatch, but that's no use to us

so for the purposes of this show, he fiddles with animals.

It's nature's top animal sodomiser, Chris Packham.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On Phill's team tonight...

# Two lives, living two lives... #

He's been rapping for 16 years, writes his own songs,

and has achieved wide critical acclaim.

That's why he'll be outsold

by Cher Lloyd singing Chim-Chiminey Chim-Chiminey Chim-Chim-Cher-ee. It's Example.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a woman who, I'm told, absolutely killed it

on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow.

If only she'd killed him rather than it.

It's Andi Osho.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we begin with What Have We pixellated?

Noel, Cee Lo and Chris, have a look at this.

# Stop calling, stop calling I don't want to... #

She likes the feel of animal flesh against her skin.

Put your cock away, Packham, it was only a dress.

It's barmier-than-a-barm-cake pop gentry Lady Gaga.

# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh

# Stop telephoning me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh... #

That was Lady Gaga with Telephone, but what have we pixellated?

I love the fact that in that video, someone answers a baguette.

When a baguette's ringing... then what are you going to do?

If you leave it, it'll just go stale, so you've got to

pick it up, keep it fresh, keep talking to the baguette.

Now Noel has actually said that, within the month

Apple will bring out the iLoaf.

Good. Good iPun work there.

Apparently, you get quite bad signal droppage if you put cheese and pickle on it.

Chris is getting so close.

You can tell he's an animal watcher.

Chris, you are a leading expert on zoology

and you've been broadcasting wildlife programmes

for about 20 years and you've been all over the world

examining natural history. What, in your opinion,

is the most interesting animal you've ever slept with?

-It's difficult.

-It's difficult, yes.

There's quite a few to choose from. It's not...

In a metaphorical sense, you know.

I hesitate to ask... Please continue.

Yeah, it was a tapir.

In front of Michaela Strachan, who did nothing to help.

Except film it.

She photographed it, yeah.

Are tapirs like half horse, half zebra? What are they?

About that long, actually.

-Is this an unhappy memory or are you absolutely fine?

-Was it full penetration?

It wasn't penetrative, but it did climax.

-The thing is...

-What do you tell the guy at the dry-cleaning that is?

"Oh, that's the usual tapir... ahem, stain."

That's insane.

Yeah, it was a tame tapir that had been hand-reared, and hand-reared...

Very lovingly.

I didn't hand-rear it, obviously.

Cos otherwise it'd just be revenge it's getting on you.

And what we call imprinted animals,

often, if they're reared from a very young age,

confuse humans with their parents, basically,

so it saw me as a female tapir, which is slightly disconcerting.

-Well...

-And they have a very long tongue,

and what happened was, the tapir came out

and I was playing with its tongue...

Now, yeah... I hate to use the phrase "you were asking for it"...

I led it on. I led it on a bit.

OK.

They've got very long tongues, which they use

for wrapping around their foliage,

-bit like a giraffe...

-I don't know, I've never done it with a giraffe either.

I think, you know, one of the great privileges of my job

is that you can be very tactile with animals. You can...

NOEL LAUGHS

Legally. Stop it.

So, once you've experienced this, at the end of the day,

would you rather it had been the tapir assault you were subjected to

or meerkat gangbang.

Yeah, a meerkat... I'd take the tapir, actually.

Size is important.

Cee Lo, are you regretting your decision to come here tonight?

Were you under the impression this was some kind of quiz?

Yes, yes, I was. We're on teams, I'm going to support him.

-I feel I should move us on. Now, Cee Lo, your new album is called Lady Killer.

-Yes.

-I just want to

dive straight in here and say I take a very dim view of killing ladies

and if you even start to think about killing a lady,

I'm going to become quite vexed. I'm an easy-going guy.

I'm adamant on this point.

Don't kill any of the ladies.

-Yes.

-You promise?

-I promise.

-OK. Good lad.

Now, then, OK, so...

As if Cee Lo's going to kill a lady! He's wearing velour.

So, Lady Gaga, pixellation - thoughts?

All I can think about is you getting rogered by a tapir now.

And Michaela Strachan, I used to fancy her when I was at school.

-I did too. She was quite fit.

-Yeah, she was, wasn't she?

-For a bit.

Well, who's a charmer?

It was a dream team, actually,

-because you had Nutkins as well, didn't you?

-Yeah.

I got his autograph when I was a little kid.

I went, "Mum, there's Terry off the telly!" and she went,

"Don't bother him. He's chatting to some grown-ups."

What was weird was I went up to him, and I was really young.

I was, I don't know, seven, and he was signing something for me,

but I was a bit nervous, and you know he got his finger bitten off

-by a...

-Otter.

-An otter?

-Yeah.

-It's tough work...

-That must have taken ages for an otter!

My mum nudged me and went, "Don't stare at Terry's missing finger!"

Really loud, though, so he could hear. It was embarrassing.

"We're sorry, Terry. He's staring at your missing finger."

You can't stare AT a missing finger. It's not there.

-So...

-Gaga, Lady, pixellation, thoughts.

-Lady Gaga...

-There's something in her hand, or she's holding

something onto her head or it's a sort of '30s hat.

I read somewhere that she was so afraid of getting a brain tumour,

she would have someone from her entourage

-hold the phone like this for her...

-Really?

-She's scared

of getting brain tumours. What a weird thing to be scared of.

I'm more scared of otters, to be honest.

-Tapirs.

-I'm now more scared of tapirs.

Well, I don't know what it could be, really.

What do you think? It could be Terry Nutkins.

Finger. Terry Nutkins' missing finger.

-Hair made of Terry Nutkins finger!

-Terry Nutkins' missing finger.

Shall we see if it's Terry Nutkins' missing finger?

# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh

# Stop telephoning me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh... #

It is, in fact, we pixellated Diet Coke cans in her hair.

Earlier this year, Lee Ryan said he'd love to work with Lady Gaga.

Well, Lee, if she orders a carpet in the Thames Valley region

and has it fitted on Tuesday or Thursday,

that may just happen.

Phill, Example and Andi, have a look at this.

# Might be paranoid... #

If there are any Disney lawyers watching -

quick! Turn over to ITV now.

They're showing Donald Duck bumming Mickey Mouse.

It's sweet mediocrity-mongers, the Jonas Brothers.

# Paranoid...

# Yeah... #

That was the Jonas Brothers with Paranoid,

but what have we pixel-ar-tard?

The Jonas Brothers, who have not had sex.

-I believe so.

-So they're all still virgins? All...

-How many of them? Three of them?

-Well, one of them got married,

-so I think he's allowed by his own code.

-Wow.

He probably shot his wife off like some kind of wife bazooka.

Probably! She would have been, like, slammed against the back wall.

-"Damn!"

-You two are in a whole kind of comedy slapstick porn film.

And then it goes "boing!" and she goes "blook!"

"Dawhhrrr!"

There's just not enough amusing sound effects in porn.

-If once in a while, you got a...

-HE SQUEAKS

HE HONKS

-Or just at the end...

-SHE QUACKS A JAUNTY TUNE

Something like that.

A tapir just came into shot.

I don't understand the appeal of young men that won't have sex

to teenage girls, because surely, the teenage girls that...

Cos they're perfectly good at turning down men that are dying to have sex,

in my experience, so...yeah.

It was a long adolescence.

Do they have kittens? Like every time somebody has sex before marriage, a kitten dies?

I hope that's not true.

-Chris is not happy about that!

You can't just say stuff like that.

Chris got bitten by a vulture

but the brilliant thing was that it took so much of your hand...

It took a chunk and then swallowed it.

-It ate it.

-But you did an impression.

They swallow by flicking it up like that and swallowing down.

When I started doing stand-up, I used to do an impression of a turtle eating a liquorice boot lace.

And when I saw you do that, I thought, "Yeah, I was scientifically correct!"

You like vultures but can I ask you about your attitude to pandas?

I believe you said we should abandon pandas because "they are an evolutionary cul-de-sac

"and I reckon we should pull the plug."

Look at that. Is there any chance you were rejected by a panda?

Shall we sexy him up a bit? What about this panda?

Is that doing it for you? You don't mind saving THAT panda?

The thing is, they cost an inordinate amount of money to keep going.

-And conservation...

-How expensive is bamboo?

All they do is eat bamboo, stupid idiots.

-Yeah, but they're carnivores.

-They eat meat?

-They should but they've taken to eating bamboo

Their gut's not adapted to that. It's another evolutionary mistake.

Absolute wankers.

Example,

welcome to the show.

-May I call you Eg?

-Yes, very clever. Very good.

It is very clever, because it's your joke, which I was trying to steal, which nobody laughed at,

-so who's laughing at whom, we don't know.

-It's not a joke, it's my initials.

-My initials are Eg and...you know, Example.

-That's how that all works.

-Better than your name.

I'm delighted that I brought it up.

I've never seen anyone look more bemused. You're like...

Do we have any ideas of what is pixellated here?

I think it's George Alagiah and Martyn Lewis.

Let's see if you're right.

So...that was probably the wrong answer.

We pixellated two Mexican wrestlers, their faces clad in leather and bundled into a car.

That's how Christine Bleakley and Adrian Chiles leave the Daybreak studio every day.

Next up is the intros round. Noel and Cee Lo, here are yours for Chris.

Ah, dear.

You've got a bit of a panda vibe going on.

Earlier on you said you actually learnt to sing from listening to things around the house.

Just imitating other artists that I like, yeah.

Pretty cool. I thought you meant the kettle and the toaster.

That's not as interesting a fact.

I pictured you as a little boy going, "Ooooooooooo!"

Right.

Two, three, four...

# Bum, bum, ba do do do do

# Do do do da do do do

# Do do do da do do do

# Do do do da do do do

# Oooooo-ooooooo-oooooo

# Oooooo-ooooooo-oooooo

# Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo

-# Boop-boooo-doo-doo

-# Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo

-# Boop-boooo-doo-dooo

-# Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo

-# Boop-poooo-dooo

-# Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo

-# Boop-poooo-dooo

-# Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo

-# Bzzzzzzzzz. #

-You look like you're trying so hard.

APPLAUSE

I've watched the programme and I never get these but that was Close To Me by the Cure.

It was indeed. Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Close To You" by The Cure

Next intro, please.

Robert Smith got me laid when I was young.

Not...He didn't come round my house.

-I'm going to try and do my best for you again.

-All right.

# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing

# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing

-# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing

-# Ba-ba-ba-baaa

-# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing

-# Ba-ba-ba-baaa

-# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing

-# Ba-ba-ba-baaa

-# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing #

-# Ba-ba-ba-baaa

-# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing...

-Come on, Chris, you got it?

He's singing the words!

APPLAUSE

Noel's sounding a bit Dusty Springfield.

To be honest, I'd focus on HIM.

-I'm going to throw it over. Any ideas?

-I'm clueless on this one.

Guys?

It sounds like # Da da dum, da-dum dum...

Yes, that's what they were doing.

If you can do that in words...

-I don't know if you've interpreted it as a lounge song.

-Do you know?

-Yes, it's Girl From Ipanema.

-It is.

And here's how it should have sounded.

# "Girl From Ipanema" by Frank Sinatra

# Tall and tan and young and lovely...#

That was Girl From Ipanema by Frank Sinatra.

Interestingly, Sinatra didn't serve in WWII on account of a perforated eardrum.

Instead he stayed at home and protected his ear

by performing in front of a 72-piece band every night.

Despite his limited musical ability, he furthered his career

by getting into bed with one of the most ruthless, brutal godfathers...

Hang on, that's not Sinatra, that's Sinitta.

We also heard the Cure with Close To Me.

Robert Smith has said that Duran Duran were everything he hated about the 1980s.

So with the miners' strike, AIDS, the Falklands, Zeebrugge and Chernobyl,

it was Wild Boys that was the problem.

Phill and Example, here are yours for Andi.

-Here we go.

-Yep.

OK.

It goes Bum-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-da-da-ta

Bum-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-da-da

DUM-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-dum

DUM-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-da-dum

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dowwww

# Da-dow-dowww...

What he's doing sounds like Amy Winehouse, but it isn't, is it?

-Yeah, it sounds a bit like that.

-It sounds like that but it isn't, that's why I'm saying it.

No, it isn't. No.

-Would you...

-OK, there's going to be a lot more things it isn't. Let's crack through them.

-Is it Adam Ant? Am I allowed to ask that?

-You're not a million miles off the era

but it's not Adam Ant. I might throw it over.

I'm throwing it over. It's thrown over.

I Want Candy, Bow Wow Wow.

Correct, sir!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow

Mega and spiffing. Next intro, please.

# Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da Dun-da-da-da da-da-da

-# Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da Dun-da-da-da da-da-da

-# Uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts

-# Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da Dun-da-da-da da-da-da

-# Uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts

Is it a Eurovision song?

Oooh!

# Ooh-ah just a little bit... #

-That's it.

-# Ooh-ah. # I don't have to sing it. It's Gina G, isn't it?

-It is.

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Ooh... Ahh (Just A Little Bit)" by Gina G.

The boy here remembers things.

Not now! Not now, I'm in the zone!

So that was Gina G with Ooh... Ahh - brackets - (Just A Little Bit).

Gina G claims she was robbed of the Eurovision title in 1996.

To be fair, she was just pipped to the post by seven other countries,

including a Lithuanian transsexual singing Pee-Pee Poo-poo Disco Disco Baby Baby Sexy Hotpants.

Her records may not have sold well, but she earns a fortune from royalties.

Every time Eamonn Holmes is asked if he wants some cake,

"Ooh, ahh, just a little bit, ooh, ahh, a little bit more."

We also heard Bow Wow Wow with I Want Candy.

Bow Wow Wow achieved infamy when they featured

their underage lead singer topless on their album cover.

Unfortunately, BBC rules say we can't show records with a pair of tits on.

So you'll have to make do with this.

Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Noel, Cee Lo and Chris, how about some '70s 2 Tone ska?

For the audience only, here is The Selecter.

# It's just the same old show

# On my radio

# It's just the same old show

# On my radio

# It's just the same old show

# On my radio

# It's just the same old show

# On my radio, on my radio

# On my radio, on my radio... #

That was The Selecter with On My Radio.

But which of our line-up is singer Pauline Black?

Is it number one, On My Radio?

Number two, on my 'ead, son?

Number three, on a promise?

Number four, on Dave in six months' time?

Or number five, clearly on ketamine?

Do you think you've got any ideas?

I remember Pauline Black being very petite.

I thought I remembered her being really short and...

-And tiny.

-Yeah.

-Are you sure that wasn't a red squirrel?

Would number two just tip the brim back a bit?

Are we allowed to adjust the hat?

Maybe lean your head back a little bit...

-Get some scissors and cut the brim off a bit!

-Maybe...

Maybe scurry up a tree?

You did a thing on... was it Springwatch?

Where you were dropping song titles when you were talking about animals.

-Was I imagining that?

-No.

-Did you really do it?

-I dropped Smiths song titles, then The Cure,

and then The Jesus And Mary Chain. The triumph was Killing An Arab...

-That's... How did you manage that?

-Well, I got Kate

to end with the word "killing" at the end of one sentence,

and I began the next sentence with "An Arab stallion." That...

-NOEL:

-Amazing!

-Yeah!

-Ingenious.

What do you think, Cee Lo?

Who's got star quality?

-It's number two.

-Do you think so?

-Number two, do you think?

-I think so.

-I think it's number three.

Number three?!

-I wish I had my bins!

-You do need your...

I need my binoculars.

I didn't think Buzzcocks was a binoculars type of show.

What do we do in this situation?

-You're the captain.

-You'll have to...

-Yeah, you'll have to...you know.

-Have I got to pull rank?

-Yeah.

Whatever happens, it's going to go badly for you, isn't it?

I know. I don't want to lose...

You've got a velour panda versus a tapir.

That's a hell of an evening.

-Do you know it's two?

-I think so.

-So my heart tells me!

-THEY LAUGH

OK. I'll go with you. But if you get it wrong,

-I will have to take away your bamboo.

-OK.

Let's find out. Would the real Pauline Black please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Good work!

Still touring with The Selecter and with her memoirs out now, Pauline Black, ladies and gentlemen!

Phill, Example and Andi, what about some '70s punk rock?

For the audience only, here are Angelic Upstarts.

# Open the cage, let free the animals

# Running wild with hardened criminals

# No satisfaction, it's all frustrations

# The times are changing when you're...

# 13, 14 A teenage warning

# 15, 16 But nobody's listening

# 17, 18 Who takes the blame?

# 19, 20 The 20th century... #

That was Angelic Upstarts with Teenage Warning.

But which of our line-up is drummer Keith "Sticks" Warrington?

Is it number one, Teenage Warning?

Number two, Teenage Dirtbag?

Number three, teenagers beware?

Number four, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

Or number five, teenagesluts.com?

Drummers usually got good arms, so look for good arms.

That's all of them.

I think this is...it's basically the opposite of what we'd expect,

the one who's least what you'd expect.

He's grown up, he don't want all that teenage stuff.

He's like, "I'm a taxi driver now."

I can't say I would happily get into the taxi driven by any of these men.

I'd get in number two.

-You'd get in a taxi of number two?

-Well, if he offered.

Example, you turned up today with a film crew.

-Yeah.

-Explain.

-I'm on this tour, I can only get round the country

using the help of my fans.

You've set yourself an improbable challenge?

Yeah, no, it's going quite well, actually.

Basically, someone sends you a message on Twitter,

"I'll drive you, you can stay at my house."

Then we look at the pictures and see who's fittest bird, and go there.

Do you think that murderers and that just put a picture of a fit bird up

and go, "He's coming!"

-Well...

-"Any day now."

-..if they didn't, they might do now.

Three's giving me evils.

That's very rock and roll. He's properly staring me down.

-Three looks like Santa in the summer.

-No!

What's up with three's gloves? His Christmas wrapping present gloves.

-I think number two. CEE LO:

-I like those gloves.

-Cos he looks like...

-I... It's two or four.

Two. Two. We've got to pick someone, let's go with two.

Let's find out. Would the real Keith "Sticks" Warrington

please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Now drumming with the band Handheld from Gateshead, Keith "Sticks" Warrington!

And at the end of that round, oooh, oh, oooh-aah-ooh-aah.

Noel's team has three, whereas Phill's team has three.

So, we end with Next Lines. Phill's team, you go first.

Your time starts now.

Lady, take me high upon a hillside.

And do me proper.

No. High up where the stallion meets the sun. Barry Manilow,

-Could It Be Magic.

-Oh, yes.

You don't have to be rich to be my girl.

-But it would help.

-Oh, um...

-Don't have to be cool to rule my world.

-Prince, Kiss.

It's close to midnight.

# It's close to midnight, something evil's lurking in the dark. #

Thriller, Michael Jackson. Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

Tie me kangaroo down.

Chris Packham, Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals.

Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Chris Packham, The Bad Touch.

Waiting round the bend.

-It's Chris Packham!

-No.

I'll never be allowed back in a zoo.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Noel's team, you need seven points to win.

And your time starts now.

Pack it up, pack it in.

-Let me begin.

-House Of Pain, Jump Around.

I think you're crazy.

Possibly.

-Do you want another go?

-I think you're crazy!

I just got a blowie from a dolphin!

Gnarls Barkley, Crazy. I guess he's an XBox and I'm more Atari.

I pity the fool.

But the way...

Oh, but the way you play your game ain't fair. Damn! It's my song!

-You did sing these? Good.

-Yeah.

Hand in glove.

-And the sun shines out of your behind.

-With Those Badgers, Chris Packham.

Wild horses.

Couldn't drag me away.

Chris Packham, Wild Horses. Love cats.

-Never touch them.

-No, Chris, it's illegal. You do right. It's illegal.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

We lost.

Well, now. At the end of all that bit of television,

Phill's team has nine points, but Noel's team has ten points!

Thanks to Noel, Cee Lo and Chris,

Phill, Andi and Example. I've been Robert Webb.

This has been...fine. Good night.

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