Episode 12 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

If you're watching on BBC2, hello,

and if you're watching on Dave+1 in the year 2020...

HE SPEAKS MOCK CHINESE

On Phill's team tonight...

Goldie's autobiography is called Nine Lives,

which is a stupid title for a man with a dog's name.

It's Goldie!

APPLAUSE

He's a comedian who's been on kids' TV, sings in a choir and looks like that.

The fact he's not a child molester once lost me £100.

It's Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team...

# Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... #

I only found out backstage that Professor Green isn't a real professor.

It's almost as embarrassing as the time I let Dr Fox put his finger up my arse.

LAUGHTER

I knew, really!

-It's Professor Green!

-APPLAUSE

# ..I tried to run, tripped up... #

# ..I'm a survivor I'm not gonna give up

# I'm not gonna stop I'm gonna work harder... #

As a member of Destiny's Child,

she's one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world's...friend.

-Please welcome Michelle Williams!

-APPLAUSE

# ..I'm a survivor! #

-What did I say...?

-That's as harsh as it gets. That's as bad as it gets, it'll be fine.

LAUGHTER

You said that and I got hit for it.

Are you sure you didn't get hit for looking like a bisexual Doctor Who?

So we begin with Sorry, No Refunds. Phill, Goldie and Miles, look at this.

# Our time is... #

They've filled more stadiums than Hurricane Katrina,

they're regularly voted the greatest live band in the world,

which is ironic as we'd all rather see them dead. It's Muse.

# ..You can't stop it screaming out

# How did it come to this...? #

That was Muse with Time Is Running Out, but why did Muse cancel a whole day of press in 2007 in New York?

Was it because a), they were convinced that a giant asteroid was heading their way,

b) Matt Bellamy has a theory that all journalists are descended from lizards...

or c) Matt Bellamy lost his voice in a shouting contest?

-This is a very difficult question you've opened with, Frankie.

-Well, get used to it, bitch!

We can see what sort of mood you've turned up in tonight, Frankie!

And now we know why you didn't get Blockbusters!

The sound of angry Devon, I believe.

Are they into their conspiracy theories in the West Country?

Big time. It'll be the lizards, definitely be the lizards.

Really?

He's very paranoid, isn't he, Bellamy?

He's into white-flag terrorism. Well, not into it, he believes that it's carried out regularly.

Not suggesting that he's responsible for any of the atrocities that have been committed on our island

in the last five to six years.

I think I'm right in thinking he believes that Osama Bin Laden

is a robot paid for and built by the CIA.

Do you think that's a realistic theory or was he abused on acid as a child?

Having not really heard Muse before and knowing how big they were, they're surprisingly rubbish!

Not...not at all...

good.

He also won sexiest man of the year award.

He looks like a hedgehog.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I've got off with some hedgehogs before, but...

Can't believe I said that or why...

What would be the benefit of saying you've got off with a hedgehog?

Obviously trying to get on Springwatch.

-LAUGHTER

-Springwatch Nights, perhaps?

So they thought a meteorite was heading for...

Well, did they or didn't they, Phill? That is the nature of the multiple-choice question!

I know you tried to trick me into giving you the answer

-in a very foolish way there, but I'm not falling for it.

-OK.

-Well, it has to be the meteorite.

-Yeah.

-Is that your answer?

You're the captain. I'll go with the hierarchy.

This isn't the army, it's a pop quiz!

So, meteorite.

-You're right. It was that he thought that an asteroid...

-APPLAUSE

The answer is a). Singer Matt Bellamy was convinced that New York was about to be hit by a giant asteroid.

In 2006, Muse had their equipment wrecked by a hurricane

minutes before the coincidentally named Hurricane Festival in Germany.

We can only wish them all the best at next year's World AIDS Day gig.

Muse were recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Plymouth.

A degree from the University of Plymouth!

That's like being given a cake by someone who has visible eczema!

Noel, Professor Green and Michelle, have a look at this.

# Welcome to the jungle

# We got fun and games... #

This is Axl Rose in the days before I'm A Celebrity when Welcome To The Jungle was a rock anthem

rather than the announcement that you have type-4 career cancer.

This was from the brief period when Gun N' Roses were popular

before Nirvana came along and made them look like gay pirates.

That was Gun N' Roses with Welcome To The Jungle.

It was shite, but why did Axl Rose keep fans waiting for over an hour at 2010's Reading Festival?

Was it because a) he was watching QPR thrash the home team 3-0 at the nearby Madejski Stadium,

b) his crew failed to wake him up from his afternoon nap,

or c) he'd hit himself on the leg with a ninja death star?

-OK, Axl...he looks a bit worse than that now.

-He looks a lot worse.

The Botox hasn't gone well! He's like a stunt double for Mickey Rourke's arse, basically!

When I was little I went to a party.

My aunt and uncle had a sort of cool house. I went to a party and Slash was there.

I was about six and I just followed him round the party, going, "What's that tattoo?

"Why is your hair so big? Why are you wearing a top hat?"

And in the end he just got so annoyed with me he sort of stuffed me into his Afro...

I lived in there for about ten years.

He had head lice.

I used to saddle them up and look through his crown.

I miss those days!

I just I'd put some whimsy in before Frankie does another AIDS joke.

Thanks. Here we go!

Professor Green, you came to prominence through rap battles, am I right? A man after my own heart.

-Here we go! Is this where the rapping becomes...?

-No, I've got a theory, right?

-You got stabbed last year, right?

-Yeah.

-What happened?

-He was a Muppet!

I've a theory that he stabbed you because you sound like a character in Cluedo.

Was it Colonel Mustard?

Look, that was funny...

-Are you trying to aim?

-No, I was just saying...

-Don't draw any marks when you could...

-rap about it?

-RAP BACKING TRACK

That was funny and there's no question

but I'm not leaving cos I'm not pressing!

You've just got a gig, haven't you, with N-Dubz? You supporting N-Dubz?

-Yeah, well, we're touring together next, er, April. Yeah, we're doing an arena tour together.

-Sweet!

-You and Dappy?

-Yeah.

-Do you know Dappy?

-I do know Dappy.

Now, he seems like a Muppet!

That's not very nice.

I'm not a very nice man!

Just glad I could clear that up for you!

To be fair...

That's not true. I think you are a nice man.

Well, watch this...

-I read, Michelle...

-Please, no, please!

To be honest, I've done some corporate shows that have gone badly in my time...

but I think this will be a new low.

So we have to answer why Axl Rose did what he did?

God bless you for getting this quiz back on track!

-What did he do? Throw a ninja star in his own...

-Ninja star to the leg,

couldn't be woken from a nap or went to the football?

He is a linesman, I know that, so he might have gone to the football!

-- I'm going with c). - Really?

-On you own maybe there.

The death star, you think? Do you know any ninjas?

No!

LAUGHTER

The way that you're talking to me!

It's the way a children's TV presenter talks to their glove puppet sidekick!

It's got to be c), it's obvious.

C), he hit himself with a ninja death star?

-I'm afraid it's not. He couldn't be woken up from his nap.

-Really?

To be honest, I find that the least surprising thing that got said there, but there we go!

The answer is b).

His crew were under strict instructions not to wake him under any circumstances,

and so failed to wake him up from his afternoon nap.

Guns 'N Roses fans were deeply disappointed.

Luckily, though, they were all morons that I'd leave inside a burning house to save a pig.

LAUGHTER

Similarly, a nap led to Cheryl Cole being late for a gig recently

when she couldn't wake up the man who presses play.

Or the black woman who was supposed to clean her dressing room

but had mysteriously been knocked unconscious.

Next up, it's the Intros Round. Phill and Goldie, here are yours for Miles.

-Yes.

-Good luck, gentlemen.

This is a hostage note about the child you have in your basement.

I should warn you that Miles' knowledge of popular music

generally revolves around him beating on his wall with a shooting stick

when someone's playing something too loudly next door.

This will be difficult, but I'm very happy to give it a good go, gents, so...

you fire away.

Right...can we change this round to clay-pigeon shooting?

-Like Goldie hasn't got a shotgun somewhere on him!

-I have!

Oh! LAUGHTER

I think that you both go shooting on estates for different reasons!

Cool, cool!

One, two...

# Di-dum, di-dum, di-dum... Babba-bum-pum-pum

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...

# Muskehounds are always ready... #

THEY REPEAT THE INTRO

OK, yeah...

To give you a hint, Miles, it sounds fuck-all like that!

Right, is it...? Am I allowed any sort of clues at all?

I mean, other than that, if that counts as a clue...

We know it already! >

We'll put the pressure on.

That doesn't put any pressure on me.

Just...just not bothered.

Would getting a swerve on give you any clue?

No, it would send me in absolutely the other direction!

"Getting a swerve on"? OK, is it...? I mean, it'll be some sort of cool dance thing, will it?

LAUGHTER Is it...?

Eliza, where are my slippers?

Er...I mean, it's probably SL2 or...

..Adamski...

Kaja...

No, I'm...

Lonnie Donegan!

I'm throwing it over.

Is it De La Soul, Me Myself And I?

It is indeed! Me Myself And I, and this is how it should sound!

INTRO TO "Me Myself And I" by De La Soul

MICHELLE SINGS IT

# Mirror, mirror on the wall

# Tell me, mirror, what is... ? #

Well, it's clearly a lovely song. I'm surprised it's not more popular!

-Next one.

-I've got a good feeling about this one.

One, two, three, four...

# Dam-dam, didda-didda-dam-dam

# Didda-didda-dam-dam

# Didda-didda-dam-dam

# Chank, chank, chank, chank... Didda-didda-dam-dam

# Chank, chank, chank, chank... Didda-didda-dam-dam

# Chank, chank, chank, chank... Didda-didda-dam-dam... #

If my brain was wired up to a machine now, it would be flatlining.

Miles, you were staring blankly like a horse that had been asked to book a holiday!

Any ideas?

Was it...?

-I...

-I'm going to put you out your misery.

It was the Arctic Monkeys, Fluorescent Adolescent, which sound like this!

INTRO TO "Fluorescent Adolescent" by the Arctic Monkeys

Yeah...

That was the Arctic Monkeys with Fluorescent Adolescent.

People give Alex Turner and Alexa Chung a hard time,

but I think that they'll still be around in 20 years,

her surname keeping them safe during the waves of Chinese genocide.

We also heard Me Myself And I by De La Soul.

De La Soul had a huge hit with Three Is The Magic Number.

Incidentally, it's also the theme tune for the National Fingering Association.

I thought this was a hearty, wholesome family show!

I think most weeks it is, to be fair.

I come along once a series and ruin it for everybody.

Fingering's quite old-fashioned.

Do you have that in America? No? What's it called in America?

Don't tell her about it, Noel! Rap about it!

RAP BACKING TRACK

Noel and Professor Green, here are your intros for Michelle.

- You all right? - Feel like I should have dollar bills or something. - Dollar bills?

- Mm-hm. - I'm not a hooker!

This is "ship-hop".

This is music that makes me want to kill myself.

No, life is worth living!

Michelle, Frankie. Frankie, Michelle.

It is cool hanging out with you.

It's like being in an episode of Fraggle Rock.

"Hey, Noel, put down the crack pipe! Life's great, everybody!"

The intro?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...

- That's all there is to the song? - Yep!

It's just the intro. It gets really good after that.

I should stop drinking blood.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...

And I'm supposed to know this?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...

Band?

Group? Duo?

Solo?

Band.

American.

Used to be good but are terrible now.

Three of them.

-Four of them.

-Four of them, shit! I don't even...

-You guys got any ideas?

-No.

-I thought it sounded like Enya!

-A really bad version of Enya.

-OK, I feel like I'm killing a wounded animal here.

Let's put it out of its misery.

This is the Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling, which sounds like this.

INTRO TO "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas

Oh, gosh! It is about intros. I like the song.

I love the way you try to find the happy place.

Shall we do the next one?

-Ready? Come on, take your hands out your pockets! You're not trying.

-Sorry!

WHISTLING

SHE TAKES UP THE MELODY

Be happy.

Frankie was helping.

# Be happy now. #

Reggae, reggae, sauce, ba-doong, ching.

Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin.

-Yeah, well done!

-We got one right.

We got one!

Here's how it sounds.

INTRO TO "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin

Life's worth living!

-Yeah, keep telling yourself that!

-Be happy!

So that was Bobby McFerrin with Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Don't Worry, Be Happy is a great song to play when delivering bad news,

such as, "I'm sorry, Mrs Cordon, we can't do a termination, he's 31."

Bobby McFerrin clicks his fingers and beats his chest to create music.

Coincidentally, that's also how Wayne Rooney signals to his handlers that he needs wanking off.

We also heard I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas.

will.i.am has been romantically linked to Cheryl Cole.

When asked if he was going to enter into a long-term relationship with her,

he changed his name to will.i.fuck!

Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Phill, Goldie and Miles, how about some '80s pop?

For the audience only, here's Matt Bianco.

# Don't blame it on the girl

# She wants a better world... #

That was Matt Bianco with Don't Blame It On The Girl.

But which of our line-up is drummer Robin Jones?

Is in number one, Robin Jones?

Number two, "robbing" this show of any dignity?

Number three, Robin Cook's corpse?

Number four, Robin of Shitwood?

Or number five, "rubbing" his cock up against the school-bus window?

Let me turn to our pop master, Jupp.

-Oh, yes, hello.

-You'll remember Matt Bianco!

-Matt Bianco?

Yeah, they sang that last one that we heard...

-Goldie?

-I think I could sniff a drummer out, me.

-How?

I don't know, you can just feel it.

That's a very unusual and almost useless talent to have.

-Have you been voted off Strictly, then?

-Yes, that's me.

Before I even got my sequins sorted.

-You've been voted off while Ann Widdecombe was still on.

-Yeah.

So you're less popular than a homophobic human mudslide?

APPLAUSE

Less popular than Widdecombe puts you in a camp with Peter Andre and herpes!

-Yeah.

-And that is a camp you don't want to be in.

My favourite thing about you, Goldie, my favourite thing I read,

is that you allegedly attacked someone who threw a peanut at your Ferrari.

Do you ever worry you're not keeping it real?

-What was it? Was it a drive-by allergy attack?

-It was a...

Yeah... It was a true story, that was. It was a blazing...

I don't know why you're telling me about it...

RAP BACKING TRACK

-Michelle? You're still on Strictly.

-Yes.

-You enjoying it?

-I'm having a great time.

As an American celebrity, as a beautiful woman with incredible teeth,

how does it feel wandering around British celebrities with their horrible teeth?

Look at my teeth! They're like a vandalised graveyard.

That was literally the nicest thing I had on the card.

Er...that's really bad.

-Can I read the card?

-I really don't think you want to see this.

Someone's got to draw the line.

APPLAUSE

I reckon it's number four. That's what I think.

-You think four?

-I think four's a drummer.

-You reckon?

-I'll give it a shot, four.

OK, four. Let's find out. Would the real Robin Jones please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

With a new album called Sabroso Mambo out from his band King Salsa, Robin Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

Noel, Professor Green and Michelle, what about some smooth '80s soul?

For the audience only here is Glen Goldsmith.

# I'm dreaming, I'm still dreaming

# Lying here right by my side you're next to me

# Dreaming

# Say I'm not dreaming

# Tell me that it's love I feel

# And my dream is real... #

That was Glen Goldsmith with Dreaming, but which of our line-up is Glen Goldsmith?

Is it number one, dreaming?

Number two, dreaming of a proper acting job?

Number three, dreaming that he's naked and riding on the back of a Labrador?

Number four, dreaming of death?

Or number five, waking up with a hard-on?

INAUDIBLE

-What did you say?

-"That guy does have a hard-on"?

LAUGHTER

Can they bust a move or anything?

I'm sure they can. They can bust a nut by the look of them!

You were in Destiny's Child. You can command them like your zombie army.

Number...

three...

dance!

-Would this help?

-RAP BACKING TRACK

-He's pretty cool.

-He's tempting.

Number five...

dance!

RAP BACKING TRACK

He's dancing in his trousers!

APPLAUSE

Maybe if we got some women from the audience they would dance with them.

Oh, come on, hon. Dance with all my...

Michelle Williams, she's asked for this.

Round of applause.

Do them all in order.

Tell you what! You don't get dirty bitches like that on Mock The Week!

Has that helped?

It's helped number five!

What do you think, Professor Green?

-Staying pretty silent there.

-Three or five, I think.

NOEL: It's not five, is it?

I think three looks like a pop star. I think it's number three.

Let's find out. Would the real Glen Goldsmith please step forward?

Still performing and writing songs, Glen Goldsmith, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round the scores are 3 points to Noel, 2 points to Phill!

APPLAUSE

So we end with Next Lines. Noel's team, you're in the lead.

Your time starts now.

Guns don't kill people...

-Rappers do!

-Spoken like a hard case!

Michelle, can you handle this?

Beyonce, can you handle this? Kelly, can you handle this?

I don't think they can handle this!

You're right, we can barely handle it. Destiny's Child.

Look, you know I make ends off crime...

Is that one of mine?

-Hold on to yours, we're spending mine.

-Yeah, you've remembered your own crime boast!

-Money's too tight to mention.

-Is that Mick Hucknall?

Oh, I'm appalled that I know that!

Feel like I'm choking on a ginger pube as we speak.

# Money's too tight to mention... # Come on, help me, Professor Green!

You don't know Hucknall's work, do you?

Money, money, money. Simply Red.

Question. Tell me what you think about me.

I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.

-Only ring your cell-y when I'm feeling lonely.

-OK.

I'm baffled. It was...

END-OF-ROUND MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Noel's team have 11 points.

-We've got Jupp.

-You have 2, but you also have Miles Jupp!

-Oh, yeah!

-Yeah, gentleman Jupp!

Welcome to the jungle...

-We got fun and games.

-Yeah, Guns 'N Roses. Amadeus, Amadeus...

-Rock me, Amadeus.

-Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus!

-Inner-city life... That's you, Goldie.

-That's me, yeah.

-Is it?

-Inner-city life,

-inner-city life pressure taking over me. You now live in Hertfordshire, that's why you didn't get it.

-Yeah.

What's the story in Balamory?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-Theme tune to Balamory.

Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po.

You're not going to lure anybody like that, Frankie, so stop there!

My luring days are over.

Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po.

-Teletubbies, Teletubbies say eh-oh!

-They do indeed.

Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim.

I've literally bile rising in my throat at you reading out children's TV themes.

Chugging along on the old ragdoll.

END-OF-ROUND MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Final scores. 11 to Noel's team,

and Phill's side only have 8. Noel's side are the winners.

Well played.

Thanks to Phill, Goldie and Miles, Noel, Professor Green and Michelle.

This has been a disaster.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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