Episode 1 Never Mind the Buzzcocks
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
Hang on there, buddy! | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:05 | 0:00:11 | |
OK! No, I don't give mouth to mouth on men. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
-Whoa! What are you doing? -You OK? | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
I am here to save lives, I just got the call. I'm here to save Buzzcocks. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:31 | |
-It's October. Come on. -Let's get you wrapped up. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
-Buzzcocks, I've got to save the Buzzcocks. -It's only a pop quiz. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Germany's favourite musical son, | 0:01:02 | 0:01:09 | |
David Hasselhoff! | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, buzz Hoff! Hello, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:39 | |
Good evening. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
Welcome to the 25th series! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
Give it up for the 25th series. Come on! | 0:01:45 | 0:01:49 | |
I'm David Hasselhoff, and from where I'm sitting...you are not! | 0:01:51 | 0:01:56 | |
We have team captain Noel Fielding. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
She's currently in the Sugababes, but with their hiring and firing policy | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
and this show not being live, let's just say she's a lady that sings. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:12 | |
It's smoking-hot Sugababe Amelle Berrabah. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
And, according to our lawyers he's the only gay Louie on TV. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
It's TV dancer and former Sugababe, my good friend Louie Spence. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:30 | |
And across the way with captain Phill Jupitus... | 0:02:33 | 0:02:37 | |
He was discovered by Richard Blackwood when he played him in a music video. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:44 | |
Let's hope that's where the similarity ends. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
It's singer and former Sugababe, Luke Essien. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
And he's a character comedian with a whole host of hilarious alter-egos. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:58 | |
With any luck he's here tonight as a hilarious version of himself. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:02 | |
It's comedian and former Sugababe, Peter Serafinowicz. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
Wow. Seems like I'm the only one here who hasn't been on the Sugababes. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:18 | |
When this show started back in 1996, I was in a little show called Baywatch. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:23 | |
CHEERING | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Woah. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
I'm huge! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
I looked pretty good back then. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
But the question is - how did our team captains look? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
Phill! Phill! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
Is that you? Is that really you? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
I thought it was manatee week on the Discovery Channel. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
-Noel, is that really you? -Yeah. -My God, it looks like someone I dated in high school. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:56 | |
I remember those years. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
I don't! | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
OK. We start with a new round called What's the Story Morning Glory? | 0:04:02 | 0:04:08 | |
Each team gets three props and has to piece together the pop story in the question. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:15 | |
Noel, don't call me No-el, Amelle and Louie, look at this... | 0:04:15 | 0:04:20 | |
# Mull of Kintyre... # | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
Sure, he's the most successful musician and composer in popular music history, | 0:04:24 | 0:04:28 | |
but did his singing voice reunite East and West Germany? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:32 | |
I think not! It's Sir Paul McCartney. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
That was Paul McCartney with Wings and Mull Of Kintyre. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
But I want to know, what's the story that links your props to Sir Paul? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:53 | |
We have piles of cash, waxwork head and, Louie, the third prop is a special treat for you. | 0:04:53 | 0:05:00 | |
It's a tramp! | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
I swear it's "homeless". Are we going back to the '70s? Is it "tramp" again? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:09 | |
I think we'd probably make a better team if you put this on. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:14 | |
Your long-lost brother! | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
CHEERING, WOLF-WHISTLING | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
-That's right, we're fierce. -I am SO Camden. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
£5,000? Did he pay all the people on Mull of Kintyre for making them hear such a shit song? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:33 | |
-This is actually made of wax. -Yeah, it's real wax. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
-It's melting a bit, as well. -I think it might be Babybel wax. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
He paid a tramp to... Don't say "give him head". That's wrong. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
-Has he had a waxwork made out of him? -I don't know. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
And then got paid loads of money, drunk a bottle of vodka to celebrate. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
I think he must have given a tramp all of that cash, as a gesture... | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
-Close. -..because, er... -Close. -..the tramp was eating... -Eating wax! -Ooh. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:06 | |
He crept into Madame Tussauds, he's sleeping in Madame Tussauds underneath his waxwork doll | 0:06:06 | 0:06:11 | |
and keeping it clean - polishing it with his... | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
-Tongue. -..fingerless gloves, and Macca saw that... -No, close. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:18 | |
..ran in and thrashed him with a skipping rope. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
-No. It's close, though. Was he awake, or was he... -He was asleep. -Asleep. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:27 | |
-On his... -On his...! -..head. -On his head! -Yes! -Right, OK! -And how did he get the money? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:32 | |
Because he.... | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
-He gave the wax head to the tramp, the tramp sold it and got five grand! -YES! -Shit! -YES! | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:39 | 0:06:44 | |
You're right. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:45 | |
In 2008, a tramp in Reading claimed a £2,000 reward | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
after he realised that his makeshift pillow | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
was actually the missing waxwork head of Sir Paul McCartney. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:59 | |
-There's the tramp with the head. -He don't look like a tramp! | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
That's the actual tramp with the head of Paul McCartney before he sold it for £2,000. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:07 | |
-Why are they only faced backwards when everyone else is turned the other way? -I've done that. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:13 | |
I don't even know if that's sexual or not! | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
-Are you like Predator? He sees in colour - you only see in terms of cock? -Yep. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:22 | |
Earlier this year, a model of the Beatles' yellow submarine disappeared | 0:07:24 | 0:07:28 | |
from outside the Liverpool church where Paul used to be a choirboy. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
Hang on a minute, let's see that picture again. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
-Please tell me the next picture is him holding a fake leg! -No! | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Oh, come on! | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
How'd I get on this show? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
Hoff, Hoff? Is the car calling you? What's going on? | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
-My spider senses are tingling! -KITT, get me the hell out of this show! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
-All right. -Hoff! Hang on! That car is now your agent! | 0:08:00 | 0:08:05 | |
-"I've got a great gig for you, Michael." -OK. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
"Michael, don't you remember you had me crushed?" | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
"I saw you looking at other cars, Michael." | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
"Touch my gear stick, Michael." | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
"This isn't really a car. I'm just a guy who sits in the back." | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
Whatever you do, don't press the button "Auto Suck". | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
Phill's team, take a look at this. Sure, he's sold millions of records | 0:08:30 | 0:08:37 | |
and was once voted the greatest front man of all time, | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
but did his singing voice reunite East and West Germany? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:44 | |
I think not! | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
It's Liam Gallagher. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
That was Liam Gallagher with Beady Eye. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
Now, using your props, I want you to piece together the one story | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
that links all three items to Liam. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Fire extinguisher, soup and roll and a picture of "Gaza". | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
-Gaza? -Gaza. -Fire extinguishers, they could do with out there! | 0:09:03 | 0:09:11 | |
It looks like the last day of school and you've all brought games in. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
-What is the link to Liam Gallagher? -Aye, aye, aye, aye, easy there, Swimming Trunks. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:20 | |
We're working on something. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
OK, so, Gazza. Are they friends? Are Gazza and Liam friends? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Are they on Facebook? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
I'd like to invite Liam to join the group "I love the Beatles" | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
because I think he'd really enjoy them. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:36 | |
They're a little bit old, but just check 'em out, | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
I think you'll dig 'em. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
Maybe he was sick, cos most people eat soup while they're sick. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
You're a young pop star there. So you say, "Maybe he was sick." | 0:09:44 | 0:09:48 | |
Do you mean, "Maybe he was SICK"?! | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
I mean more ill, like in terms of... | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
-Like illin'? -Condition. No, no... | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
He's bad! | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
-LAUGHTER -He's wicked! | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
I think, actually, what it is, there's an Oasis joke. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
"How does Liam Gallagher like his soup?" | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
# You get a roll with it... # Is that what it is? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
You're extremely close. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
And I reckon that Gazza thought this was a really hilarious joke | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
and said it to him in a restaurant and then, | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Liam got a fire extinguisher and fucking blasted it into him. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:27 | |
He got it! | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
CHEERING | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
Yes! | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
How did you really freaking get that?! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
In 2006, Liam Gallagher sprayed - | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
-how do you say his name? - Gay-za? Gazza? -Gazza. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
Liam Gallagher sprayed Gazza in the face with a fire extinguisher | 0:10:43 | 0:10:48 | |
after he repeatedly interrupted his soup eating with the question... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:53 | |
# Do you want a roll with it? # | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
I'm only ever referring to him as Gay-za from now on. | 0:10:55 | 0:11:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
I'm going to knock on his door. "Excuse me, is Gay-za home?" | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
Louis, how do you say Gay-za - Gay-za, Gaza or Gazza? | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
Listen, with this impediment... LAUGHTER | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
-You're asking the wrong person. -Gazza! -Gay-za! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
I'd love to make jokes about Gazza, | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
but I'm afraid my knowledge of his past is pretty sketchy. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:20 | |
-But then again, so is his. -LAUGHTER | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Come on, we've all been there! | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
-APPLAUSE -Including me! | 0:11:24 | 0:11:28 | |
At the end of that round, Noel's team have one | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
and Phil's team have...one. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
CHEERING | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Next up, it's the intro round. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Phil and Peter, here are yours for Loick. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
-Thank you. You ready, you set? -Yeah. -You think you've heard music, boy. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
-You strap in! -LAUGHTER | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
# Dum! Dum, dum, dum, dum! Dum, dum, dum, dum! | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
# Dum, dum, dum, dum! Dum, dum, dum! Dum, dum, dum! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
-# Bom! -Dum, dum, dum, dum! -Bom! -Dum, dum, dum, dum! -Bom! | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
# Dum, dum, dum! Dum, dum, dum, dum! | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
-# Bom! -Bum, bum, bum. -Bom! | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
-# Bum, bum, bum! Bom! -Bom! -# | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
-OK... -# Bum, bum, bum! Bum, bum, bum! Bum, bum, BUM! # | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
-# Bum, bum, bum, bum! -Bom! -Bum, bum, bum, bum! -Bom! | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
# Bum, bum, bum! BUM, BUM, BUM. # | 0:12:18 | 0:12:22 | |
DAVID JOINS IN | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
# Blang-lang-lang! # | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
Frank Sinatra? | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
-Old maggoty eyes. -AMELLE: Maggoty eyes? | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
That is sick! | 0:12:40 | 0:12:41 | |
Do you have an answer? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
-No, I don't. I really don't! LOUIS: -I know the artist. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
Shall I hand it to the other team? All right. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
-The answer's Michael Buble. -Yes. -It's not Cry Me A River? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
-Yes, it is. -It's Cry Me A River by Michael Buble. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LOICK: Oh, snap(!) | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
OK, here's how it should've gone, guys. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
SONG STARTS I kissed him in Australia, that's why I know. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
I like your version better. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
MUSIC: "Cry Me A River" by Michael Buble | 0:13:06 | 0:13:11 | |
CHEERING | 0:13:11 | 0:13:12 | |
-# Now you say you're lonely... # -AMELLE: Wow! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:31 | |
CHEERING | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Honestly, can someone tie me down? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
I didn't know you were going to pump the fixtures! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
The next one, please, the next one. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
# Doof, tish, doof, doof, tish! | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
# Doof, tish, doof, doof, tish! | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
-PETER CONTINUES -# Bom, bom, bom! Bom, bom! Bom, bom, bom! | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
# Bom! Bom, bom! Bom, bom! Bom, boa-bow! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:57 | |
# N'ow! N'ow! N'ow, n'ow! | 0:13:57 | 0:14:01 | |
# N'ow! N'ow! N'ow, n'ow! | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
# Bom! Down! Bom! Down! Bom! Bown! Bow-bow! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:09 | |
# Bom, jow! Bom, jow! Bom, jow! Jow, jow! # | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
I feel like I'm taking my GCSEs all over again! | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
-LAUGHTER -What school did you go to? | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Oh, man. HE LAUGHS | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
-Oh... -Ooh! -Rumba! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
-I'm struggling. -Louis thought it was Coronation Street! | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
I thought it sounded a bit like # Summer lovin', had me a blast! # | 0:14:29 | 0:14:33 | |
Like the start, and then, it goes into something different. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:37 | |
-Yes, it did sound like that and not like Coronation Street! -LAUGHTER | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
-It's a known song, I can't think... -Yeah, that's the whole point(!) | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
I can't believe you... | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
I'll give you the first word and whoever names the song the fastest | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
-gets the points, OK? -Right, go! -Steady... | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
-As she goes! -Yes! -Oh, ya! -Steady, As She Goes! | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
-APPLAUSE -Here's how it should've sounded. -My first one! | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
MUSIC: "Steady, As She Goes" by The Raconteurs | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
Let's have a little dance! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
-I'm up for it. -Well, obviously, YOU'RE up for it! | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
So that was Steady, As She Goes by the Raconteurs! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
No-one's ever... Oh, this one's great! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
This will definitely get me fired from Britain's Got Talent. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
No-one's ever really been sure about Jack White's relationship with Meg. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:29 | |
Were they married, just lovers or brother and sister? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:34 | |
It's a bit like Simon Cowell and Sinitta. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
SHOCKED GASPS | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
SOME APPLAUSE | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Interestingly enough, Jack White's fame meant that, | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
even when the band were new, | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
they were able to sell out mid-sized venues. A rarity for a debut tour. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:56 | |
Unless you tour Germany, cos they'll watch any old shit! | 0:15:56 | 0:16:01 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:01 | 0:16:02 | |
And you're applauding?! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
We also heard Michael Buble with Cry Me A River. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Buble recently said in an interview... | 0:16:11 | 0:16:15 | |
Is this true? ..that he was... It's true. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
..that he was so horny as a teenager he would've had sex... | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
-AMELLE: Whoa! -..with sandwich meat... | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
-LAUGHTER -..if it was possible. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
What do you mean, if it was possible?! | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
Get a gala pie, take the egg out. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
GROANING | 0:16:36 | 0:16:37 | |
Imagine the Morrisons advert, at the deli, and just out of shot | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
you just see Buble's arse bobbing up and down. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:45 | |
With Alan Hanson going, | 0:16:45 | 0:16:46 | |
"Well, there's Buble again getting his sausage meat." | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
-"You won't find sausage meat any cheaper than that." -LAUGHTER | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
DAVID GROANS | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Noel and Amelle, here are yours - Thank God! - for Louis. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
-Thank you very much. -Thanks. Wow, you've got to know this one. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
-Oh, right, don't say that! -It's a bit late. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
HUMMING BEGINS | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
Don't you...? Don't! | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
THEY HUM THE THEME TO "Coronation Street" | 0:17:18 | 0:17:22 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
HUMMING CONTINUES TO A VERY LOUD ENDING | 0:17:27 | 0:17:33 | |
# W'ah, w'ah, w'ah, w'aaaah! # | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
LAUGHTER If you'd done that, you would've got some points. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
# Ah, ah... # Oh, hang on, shit! Sorry! | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
You're not doing a vocal warm up, just do the tune! | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Oh, I'm going to go bang one out. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:50 | 0:17:51 | |
Louis, you can't have a danger wank while we're warming up. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
# Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! | 0:17:56 | 0:18:01 | |
# Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:05 | |
-SHE CONTINUES -# Woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa Woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa | 0:18:05 | 0:18:10 | |
# Woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa Woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
# Woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa Woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa, woo-pa | 0:18:14 | 0:18:19 | |
# Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
# Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah... # | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
-No, nothing? -No? All right. -Damn you! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
-Imagine if we've got pork chops glued to our head. -On us! | 0:18:28 | 0:18:32 | |
-Lady Gaga... -Yes! -..and it is... | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
- Wait a minute! - Back up! I was born this way? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
- No, no. - No, not Born This Way. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
-Alejandro? -Yes! | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
-Alejandro! -LOUIS: No! Whoa! Back up! | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
Here's how it should've sounded. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
MUSIC: "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
It sounded nothing like it. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
-Don't you like it? -MUSIC FADES | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
It's the bloke from The Inbetweeners. OK, let's go. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:00 | 0:19:01 | |
-I look like Mel and Sue. -Sue Perkins? -Yeah. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
-Right, OK, go. -She cannot be... cannot be happy with that! | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
BOTH HIGH-PITCHED: # Da-rid-da-da! Da-da! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! | 0:19:10 | 0:19:15 | |
# Da-rid-da-da! Da-da! # | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
And he's knocking through people! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
# Doo doo, doo doo... # | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
-Come on, Nana Mouskouri! -# Oh-ahh, ah, oh-ahh. # | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
Any idea? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
-Wagner! -No! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
# Cos it's a bittersweet symphony this liiii-iife... # | 0:19:27 | 0:19:34 | |
-They're right! -And the artist! | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
Bittersweet Symphony. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
Here's how it should've sounded. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
MUSIC: "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
Lovely. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Bang on. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:47 | |
All right. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
The Verve. I've got it now. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
# Oh-ahh, ah, ah... # | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
-Is it a Coca-Cola advert as well? -That one was quick. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
-I think so. -"Where'd you get that?" | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
So that was Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
In their heyday, The Verve lived together in a house in Wigan. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Now, I don't really know about Wigan | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
and we were going to take Britain's Got Talent there but we decided... | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
that a man who juggles three families doesn't constitute talent. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
We also heard the Lady Gaga with Alejandro. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Interestingly enough, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:23 | |
Lady Gaga affectionately refers to her fans as "Little Monsters". | 0:20:23 | 0:20:29 | |
Similarly, I refer to my fans as... | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
"Mein Biete Ubermenschen"! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
Round three is the identity parade. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
Phill, Loick and Peter, how about some turn-of-the-century UK garage? | 0:20:38 | 0:20:44 | |
For the audience only, here is Lonyo. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
# Sending out an SOS | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
# It's the summer of love | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
# Sexy girl, it's time to get dressed | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
# Cos it's the summer of love... # | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
That was Lonyo with Summer Of Love. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
But which of our line-up is Lonyo Engele? | 0:21:06 | 0:21:11 | |
Is it number 1... | 0:21:11 | 0:21:12 | |
Summer Of Love? | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Is it number 2... | 0:21:14 | 0:21:15 | |
Summer Loving? | 0:21:15 | 0:21:16 | |
Is it number 3... | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
Some Are Better Than Others? | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Is it number 4... | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
Summer's Been A Bit Shit This Year? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
Or number 5... | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
Some Of My Best Friends Are Gay? | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
Phill's team, guess! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
I would say, judging just purely by... | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
the facial expression when he walked out, it's number 2. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:42 | |
He just seemed to have, like, a kind of "I'm comfortable with fame" | 0:21:42 | 0:21:46 | |
kind of look, you know? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
-Oh, he's got the look on right now! -He has, yeah. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Phill's team, is that your final answer? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
We're going on star quality. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Let's find out. Would the real Lonyo please, please, step forward? | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Now an actor, DJ, | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
and about to make his debut in a World Cup qualifier for Tonga, | 0:22:17 | 0:22:22 | |
ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lonyo. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
Congratulation, man! Thank you! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
Oh, I wish I could go with them. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
-Next series, maybe. -Oh. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
-I don't think they'd accept you. -No? | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
-Why not? -You haven't got the right suit on. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
Noel, Amelle and Louie, what about some late-'70s, Britpop? | 0:22:44 | 0:22:50 | |
For the audience only, here is Goldie. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
# We're making up again | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
# And we're breaking up again | 0:22:56 | 0:23:01 | |
# Telling all your friends we're back as one | 0:23:01 | 0:23:06 | |
# Taking off again | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
# Never going to end... # | 0:23:12 | 0:23:17 | |
That was Goldie with Making Up Again but which... | 0:23:17 | 0:23:21 | |
which of our line-up is bassist Geoff Robson? | 0:23:21 | 0:23:25 | |
It is number 1, Making Up Again? | 0:23:25 | 0:23:29 | |
Is it number 2... | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
Making His Day? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
Is it number 3... | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Making Me Horny? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
Number 4... | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
Making Me Quite Scared? | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
Or number 5... | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
Making Sure His Agent Invoices For Two Rounds? | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
Noel's team... | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
GUESS! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
-What was the song? Who was that? -It was Goldie. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
I thought he had, like, all gold teeth and was in a Bond film! | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
-LAUGHTER -God, he changed! | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
It's not that one and it's not the dog from Blue Peter, | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
it's a different band. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
I reckon number 3 or 2. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:05 | |
Number 2's got a bit of a shine on his head, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
like he could've been Botoxed, still trying to hold on to it. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
Number 3's got a bit of sparkle. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
And number 2. It's either 2 or 3. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
I think number 2, cos I think that nervous hand on the hip | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
and those pleather pants of number 3... | 0:24:19 | 0:24:22 | |
are a bit of a... Y'know. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:23 | |
A bit of a what? | 0:24:23 | 0:24:24 | |
Just a bit of a worry. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
What's your final answer?! | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
I think it's number 3. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
Let's find out. Would the real Geoff Robson please step forward? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:36 | |
-Ooh! -Whoa! You're right! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
Wow! How'd he get that? I thought it was number 2. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
Now working as a songwriter and session musician, | 0:24:43 | 0:24:47 | |
ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Geoff Robson. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:24:50 | 0:24:51 | |
Thank you! | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
We're going to end... I know, you're sad... | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
with a round that's all about me. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
And my hits. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
-Shut up. -Hits? | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
-PHILL LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY -It's all tied going in... | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
He went, "All about me and my hits." | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Woman in the front row goes, "Won't last long, then." | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
It's all tied going into the final round. Your time starts now. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:29 | |
True or false. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:30 | |
I will be competing for the Netherlands | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
in the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
True or false? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:37 | |
True. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
-True. -False! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
False! I'm not going to do that. What's the next line? | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
-Jump in my car... -Is it, jump in my car, | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
it fucking talks! | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
Jump in my car... | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
-I wanna take you home. -You're right. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
Who can I blame for ruining the launch of my US music career? | 0:26:01 | 0:26:05 | |
Yourself. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
Simpson. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:14 | |
Absolutely, OJ Simpson was going down the freeway in his Bronco. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:19 | |
93 million people watched OJ Simpson | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
when I had the David Hasselhoff pay-per-view on television. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:26 | |
I paid, no-one viewed. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
I have a confession. I cheated, cos I saw the card. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
According to the 2012 Guinness Book Of World Records, | 0:26:34 | 0:26:39 | |
what record do I hold and still hold? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
-Most watched man on TV. You should cover up your cards. -Yes! | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
END-OF-ROUND JINGLE PLAYS | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
All right. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
So, that brings us to the final scores. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:59 | |
In second place, is... | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
-..Noel... -Oh, as if! | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
..with five. But this week's winners are Phill, with six! | 0:27:07 | 0:27:12 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:12 | 0:27:13 | |
Thanks to Phill, Loick, Peter, Noel, | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
Amelle and Louis. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
Good night! Good night! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
-Man, that's it. Are you still living on the A13? -Yeah, I am. Yeah. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
-Want a ride home? Want me to give you a lift? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
SONG INTRO STARTS | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
WHOOPING | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
# Jump in my car | 0:27:46 | 0:27:47 | |
# I wanna take you home | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
# Come on and jump in my car | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
# It's too far to walk on your own | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
# No thank you, sir | 0:28:02 | 0:28:03 | |
# Oh, come on, I'm a trustworthy guy | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
-# No thank you, sir -Oh, little Phill | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
-# I wouldn't tell you no lies -I know your game | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
# How can you say that? We've only just met | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
# You're all the same | 0:28:14 | 0:28:15 | |
# Oh! He's got me there But I'll get him yet | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
# I got you then | 0:28:18 | 0:28:19 | |
# No, you didn't, I was catching my breath | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
# Look, it's starting to rain And baby, you'll catch your death | 0:28:22 | 0:28:26 | |
# Well, I don't know | 0:28:26 | 0:28:27 | |
# Oh, come on, it costs nothing to try | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
# And you'll arrive home nice and dry... # | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
-All right, then! -# ..Jump in my car | 0:28:33 | 0:28:35 | |
-# I wanna take you home... # -You can take me, baby baby! | 0:28:37 | 0:28:41 | |
# Come on and jump in my car... # | 0:28:41 | 0:28:42 | |
Come on, The Hoff, where we going? | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
# It's too far to walk on your own. # | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
-Can we stop for some drive-thru? -Oh, yeah! | 0:28:47 | 0:28:51 | |
Unbelievable. What about me? Don't I get a lift home? | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
Ridiculous, man. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:56 | |
I'm going to put a parking ticket on KITT. | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 |
