Episode 2 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Last time I hosted Buzzcocks, I was accused of being a bit grumpy,

so in a bid to spruce up this show, I brought this with me.

WHEELS SQUEAK

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, where tonight,

I'll be having a party with music, and fun and everything.

LAUGHTER

With team captain Philll Jupitus...

# Woo-hoo...

..the ex-bassist from Blur who briefly delighted Cliff Richard

when he decided to devote his life to cheeses.

-It's Alex James.

-CHEERING

He's a star of Made In Chelsea, he was raised in the Carribbean

and went to school at Eton. What's not to like? It's Spencer Matthews.

CHEERING

And across the way with captain Noel Fielding...

# Cos I need...

His real name is Michael Stafford, but he chose Maverick Sabre

as he wanted a stage name that matched his initials.

Sadly, his first choice, Moira Stewart, was already taken.

Please welcome Maverick Sabre.

CHEERING

He's a 23-year-old grumpy comedian who says he's happiest when he's moaning.

Work hard and in 25 years' time,

you too could be a last-minute stand-in host on Buzzcocks.

It's Seannn Walsh.

CHEERING

Just to get us into the party atmosphere,

I'd like to do a balloon trick.

Thank you very much.

MUSIC: "We Like To Party (The Vengabus)" by Vengaboys

AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CLAP ALONG

CLAPPING DIES AWAY

MUSIC STOPS

Thank you, it's a snake, ladies and gentlemen. There you go.

Thank you very much.

CHEERING

Well, we start with a round called

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's... "insert relevant date here".

We show each team a video montage - they have to guess the year

and answer a question related to it. So, Noel, Maverick and Seannn,

have a look at this and for a bonus point, guess what year it is.

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like, "It's better than yours"

# Damn right It's better than yours

# I could teach you But I'd have to charge...

# I believe in a thing called love

# Just listen to the rhythm of my heart

# There's a chance we can make it now

# We'll be rockin' till the sun goes down

# I believe in a thing called lo-ove...

# All the things she said All the things she said

# Running through my head Running through my head

# Running through my head

# All the things she said All the things she said

# Running through my head Running through my head

# All the things she said

# This is not enough... #

So Noel's team, what year was that?

The problem is every time I watch that I see t.A.T.u. in school uniforms kissing each other,

then I can't remember my own name, let alone the question.

Yes, good point. It is the year lesbianism was invented. What year was that?

Me and Seannn remember what we were doing when we first saw that video.

We were in school uniforms holding hands, kissing.

Was that you?

Maverick, are you on tour?

Yes, we just doing some youth projects around the UK,

with students in music colleges and unis.

That sounds like a complete waste of time.

I believe I'm lucky.

Stop wriggling about in your chair like an evil demon.

I'm 50 years old, I've got piles, all right?

You don't have to worry about that for a while.

I've got irritable bowel syndrome, trust me, I do.

-Irritable bowel syndrome.

-It's all just got very personal today.

It's become like a therapy session. Have you got any issues?

I haven't got a house.

I think we all guessed that.

-So, t.A.T.u.

-You honestly have no idea?

-We know what we're doing.

You were too busy wanking like a safari park chimp,

you forgot to note what year it was.

Safari park chimp? What?

Banging my head against the glass and eating my own shit?

-Isn't that how everyone does it?

-We know what year it is.

-Go on then.

2003.

-2003.

-Take that, you wriggler.

Now, yes it was 2003.

In that montage you saw Kelis with her video, Milkshake.

But how did she anger airport security in 2003? Anyone know?

You got into trouble with them.

My keys player went through security

and they pulled a toiletry bag out of his main rucksack,

opened it and it had two big kitchen scissors in it.

And her went, "Oh, mate, I didn't put that in there."

And I'm looking at him going, "Don't say any more,"

and he goes, "Sometimes people just put things in my bag, I don't know where they come from."

I like the idea he's in a band, going on tour and thinking to himself,

"And might need to trim some bacon."

When I go through customs

what I like to do is when they look at me

just to confuse them a little bit I just mime opening a door.

No, the reason you do that is so you can pretend you have got a house.

-Kelis, Kelis.

-How did she anger airport security?

Did she try and go through the X-ray machine herself?

And squirt milkshake into their open mouths as she went past.

I think this is another of your fantasies.

Just had a suitcase of milkshake.

No.

What's in here?

It just went everywhere.

I told you not to open it.

You don't know, do you? You don't know, you've had half-an-hour, you don't know.

In 2003 security guards berated Kelis for accidentally sending her puppy through the X-ray machine.

Yes.

Unbelievable.

She caused a massive security alert but on the plus side

they did find a shadow on the dog's lung, so...

..so it all worked out for the best, really.

Phill's team, have a look at this.

MUSIC: "It's like that" by Run DMC

# Tragedy

# When the morning cries and you don't know why

# It's hard to bear

# With no-one to love you you're going nowhere... #

# Brimful of Asha on the 45

# Well, it's a brimful of Asha on the 45

# Brimful of Asha on the... #

So, what year was then?

Do you remember where you were when Geri left the Spice Girls?

-Come to think of it?

-I was actually on a grassy knoll.

I was just about to pull the trigger, and then I heard the news.

I thought, "Well, my work here is done."

It's weird how it collapsed, isn't it?

You thought, "it can still survive without one of those elements,"

but as soon as she was prised out, it was like Jenga, it just went...

The four of them doing Wembley, saying, "We're all fine."

Literally, in the middle of the gig, saying, "Everything's fine!"

She was quite entertaining. She wore flags for dresses, did karate.

She had ginger hair. She was like Ronald McDonald, really, in a way.

Alex, the 1990s. Do you remember anything?

Erm, I'm pretty sure I was in Iceland when the Spice Girls sank.

Really? What were you doing shopping?

-I spent yesterday working in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

-What?

And I think that's probably more interesting than being in a band now.

Is that why you're wearing that red shirt?

"I was just working in KFC. Mental! "Sniffing battered chicken.

"I'm off my nut on chicken wing!"

-Spencer, what were you doing in the '90s?

-In the late '90s I was about 10 or so.

I was probably wondering why I was fatter than all my peers at school.

-I was a fairly obese child.

-Oh, I am sorry(!)

-I know, right.

I've hit on a raw nerve there, and I apologise.

Alex was telling me earlier he's becoming a licensed cheese therapist.

A cheese therapist?

I tried some of your cheese backstage, the tomato ketchup cheddar.

-It's beaut, mate, it's really nice.

-Thank you very much indeed.

I imagine it'll work well in toasties.

That's the thing. That's the beauty of it.

You're like a sort of weird cheese child catcher now.

You've got loads of kids in the corner with Babybels and a lighter,

"Melt it! No, he says it's bad, melt it!"

Sorry, how do you package your cheese?

Just in a sock.

The wrapping is always quite difficult to get into.

-I agree.

-And now they've got zips, so it's like a pencil case.

But without pencils. You've got cheese.

Imagine being a kid, you get to your exam, you think,

"Brilliant, going to have a ruler, a pen.

"Oh, it's cheese."

That's what's exciting.

The exciting developments in the cheese world are actually packaging.

It's essentially been the same since the time of Tutankhamen,

who was buried with three different kinds of cheese.

Tutankhamen was one cheese away from being a quattro formaggio.

What have you done? Is it like a satsuma skin, really loose?

That would be good.

It holds a cape, and then when you come over to it, it goes "Ooh!"

-What year is it, then? We're after a year.

-1998.

You're spot on, it is, it's 1998.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was 1998. As seen in that montage,

Alice Cooper released his greatest hits,

but how did a snake cause havoc at his gig in 1998?

-He used to go on stage wearing one, like a feather boa.

-I was 10, I don't know that.

Exactly, you're just crying to yourself, aren't you?

Wondering why you had no friends, I know.

We'll get to the bottom of it, don't worry. What do you reckon?

-THICK ACCENT:

-They go down his shorts and bite him?

Sorry, could you...?

Without being racist, could you repeat that, please?

Sorry, awkward moment at the BBC.

-How old are you? Do you mind me asking?

-I'm 21.

-You weren't even fat.

-I wasn't fat.

And yet you had the presence of mind to call yourself Maverick.

-I did, yes.

-Is that because you were a big Top Gun fan?

My mum and dad were Star Wars fans.

-They actually called you Maverick Sabre?

-Yeah.

I love the silence, and that's a total lie altogether, lads.

Have you got Maverick Sabre on your passport?

I don't have Maverick Sabre, I've got Mickey Murphy.

He's not in Star Wars!

Be fair, they had a lot of contractors on that Death Star.

He's in one scene at the back. Carrying a plank across.

The answer is that Alice's pet boa shat all over Alice

on the stage, and the smell was so bad that when his roadies

came on stage dressed as clowns to clean it up, they started vomiting.

And several children in the audience burst into tears.

Hey, that's clowns for you.

At the end of that round, Noel's team has one,

and Philll's team has one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up is the intros round,

so let's celebrate with a game of pass the parcel.

# I'm a Barbie girl

# In my Barbie world

# Life in plastic

# It's fantastic

# You can brush my hair

# Undress me everywhere

# Imagination

# Life is your creation

# I'm a blonde bimbo girl

# In my fantasy world Dress me up

# Make it tight I'm your... #

Oh!

Oh, that's embarrassing!

Oh, it's an iPad!

Oh, I've been after one of them, that's great. So, intros.

Noel and Maverick, here are yours to do for Seannn, please.

Cool.

# Dow-now-now-now-now-now-now-now

-# Now-now-now-now...

-Ho! Ho! Hey!

# Hoi! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Now-now-now-now-now-now

# Urhh, urhh!

Giving it a bit of a Native American slant.

# Eh, eh, eh!

Come on, you must know this one!

Is it I Don't Know Where I Am by the Satnavs?

Is it Get Out Of My Wheel by the Angry Hamsters?

Is it Ow, That Hurts, by Anal Danger?

-Sorry, Jack, I don't know.

-You don't know. OK.

No, fair enough, you know, it's always good to have a guess.

-Over to this side. Philll?

-I thought it was Anal Danger as well.

Spencer, any idea?

-No idea.

-Oh, what a surprise.

LAUGHTER

Alex?

Was it the jig from the St Paul suite by Holst?

It's actually Jessie J, Do It Like A Dude.

-Here's how it should have sounded...

-Hey!

OPENING CHORUS

Mmm...

Yes, yes. That will do.

That will do. Next one, please.

When you said "Hey!", it's like in Grand theft Auto

when you nearly get hit by a car and the pedestrian just goes, "Hey!"

I haven't got a computer, I've got a Spectrum.

Unless it annoys Daley Thomson, I can't help you.

Right, one, two, three...

Bada bada... tsss. Bada, bada...

Bada, bada... tsss....

Bada badow....

Bada, bada....

Bada, bada...

Bada, bada...

Bada, bada...

You realise that will be on your ceiling tonight? Just, bada, bada...

Bada, bada...

Is it, It's Really Cold In Here by The Fridges?

-You don't know. Any idea over here?

-Perfect Ten by the Beautiful South?

Yes it is, it's Perfect 10, well done. Yes.

APPLAUSE

It would've sounded like this done by them...

MUSIC

# She's a perfect 10. #

That was Perfect 10 by Beautiful South.

One in seven people in Britain is said to own a Beautiful South record.

One in seven? Could so easily have been me.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

We also heard Jessie J with Do It Like A Dude.

Her real name is Jessica Cornish, but she calls herself Jessie J, that's her Essex routes,

she wanted to make her name sounds like a child in a court case.

Phill and Alex, here are yours. for Spencer, if you wouldn't mind?

People tell you, Spencer from Made In Chelsea is on the show

and Alex went to me, "are they a good band?

LAUGHTER.

-Ah...

-Wooo...

THEY MAKE DRUM NOISES

Hey ah! Hey ah!

-Hey ah! Hey ah! Hey ah!

-Boom, boom!

He doesn't know it.

That was brilliant.

It sounded good but I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.

You're sorry?!

Think of your tubby inner child shaking his little head!

Do I get any clues?

Those are the clues, really.

Do you know the song?

Do you want to tell him?

It's Shakira with the legendary Wacker Wacker.

-Wacker Wacker.

-Her tribute to Timmy Mallet.

Spencer, this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC

AUDIENCE CLAPPING

-OK.

-Why didn't you come in with that bit?

-We're not allowed to come in with the vocals on the intro, Spencer!

-No.

-Fine.

It seems that you don't watch our show either.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next up, come on, next up, got it?

MIMICS GUITAR AND DRUM SOLO

Dum, dum, dum....

Buba dubba dubba!

Bubba dubba dubba!

If you don't know it is one, you must have been in a coma.

I think I know the song but I can't, I've blanked on the name.

You were 10, fat, you fell off a see-saw, you woke up just now.

-You know it, I have to throw it over to you, what is it?

-It's Jimi Hendrix.

-And?

-Purple haze?

-Purple haze. It was, yes

and it should have sounded like this...

GUITAR SOLO

It's all up there, isn't it?

That was Jimi Hendrix with Purple Haze.

The flat where Hendrix died is to be opened to the public.

It's actually part of a morbid tour of London. You can see Hendrix's death flat,

the tree that Mark Boland crashed his Mini into

and the actual studio where Ant and Dec recorded Red Or Black.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We also heard Shakira with Wacker Wacker.

Shakira is of course Colombia's greatest gift to the music industry.

Well, second greatest gift.

Shakira's single Gypsy was at number six in the charts for three weeks, before being moved on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Round Three is the identity parade!

AUDIENCE CHEERS.

Hmm...

Noel, Maverick and Seann, what about some early 90s techno pop?

For the audience only, here's Love Decade.

# Feel the power, feel it, feel the power, feel it

# Feel the power, feel it, come on, can you feel it too?

# Feel the power, feel it everywhere

# It's so real, so real, so real

# Oh, I feel it in the air

# I feel it everywhere

# It's so real, so real, so real, yeah, yeah...#

That was Love Decade with So Real but which of our line-up is vocalist Jerome Stokes?

Is it number one, Love Decade?

Number two, love handles?

Number three, love for sale?

Number four, love Downton Abbey?

Or number five, love that dare not speak its name?

-Noel?

-Oh, help me.

-Love Decade.

-I'm thinking number two.

-You're thinking number two.

He's got that little leg. Essence about him.

-He's got an essence?

-Yes.

He's more gaunt, he looks like he's done more pills.

He's got the nose!

He's just had flashbacks!

It's definitely not number four.

I think I've seen him before as an extra, on this show.

They've given him a beard. I know I'm thick but I'm not that thick.

-Why are they dressed as Nazis?

-I don't know.

-Number three could be...

-Number three could fuck you up.

-I mean, I don't think it's number one.

-No.

It's like an interesting sort of character

that wanders about heavily wooded areas...

-What do we reckon, what do we reckon?

-I'm still thinking two...

Number two. That's the irritable bowel syndrome, is it?

I reckon two.

Let's find out. Would the real Jerome Stokes please step forward?

Wha-hay!

APPLAUSE

Now part of N-Trance and with his solo album B-More Boy out now,

Jerome Stokes, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jerome.

Get him back to the ambient room, quickly!

Phill, Alex and Spencer, how about some '70s heavy metal.

Here are the Heavy Metal Kids.

# What do you think of in your room?

# When you're not reaching for the moon?

# Does your mummy know you've got dirty legs?

# Does she know what's in your head?

# She's no angel... #

That was the Heavy Metal Kids with She's No Angel.

Which of our line-up is bassist Ronnie Thomas?

Is it number one, heavy metal kids?

Number two, heavy night.

Number three heavy petting.

Number four, heavy goods vehicle.

Or number five, do not operate heavy machinery?

Phill, your team.

It's like cockneys from space.

Three has the rock look.

Three looks like a rock star? Why do you say that, Spencer?

The jewellery, his outfit is a bit different.

He looks more...

They are given these outfits, they don't bring their own!

The odds on five blokes turning up like that...!

-I was thinking the same thing.

-It's remarkable.

It could be five. I'm five, three or one.

-Five looks quite bored about show business.

-Embittered.

If I was looking for a bass player, I would go with number one.

That's my gut feeling.

Blur were looking for a bass player and went for you so...!

We all make mistakes.

-Let's go for the base Mojo. Alex, pick one.

-One.

So, will the real Ronnie Thomas please step forward.

APPLAUSE

Now writing and soon-to-be gigging with a reformed Heavy Metal Kids, Ronnie Thomas, ladies and gentlemen!

So, we end with next lines

and what better way to celebrate than with face paints.

Yes, it's a party. I did tell you.

Get yourself painted up with face paints.

# Saturday night I feel the air is getting hot

# Thank you, baby... #

Aslan!

# I'll make you mine you know I'll take you to the top

# I'll drive you crazy... #

Another eye, that'd be good!

Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

You all look great, that's good. I had no idea...

I am a dir-r-r-ty panda!

-What are you coming as?

-Mummy!

I've got an idea.

Come on, you've got to let me do something.

I really wanted to do a smile on you.

Just get it right in there.

What are you doing?

Just putting a little something on there. There we are.

You can laugh, this is bullying in the workplace.

OK, Phill. Here are yours.

Phill's team is going first. There is no logic to that.

So, your time starts now.

School's out for summer...

School's out forever.

Come on, Barbie...

Let's go party.

He lives in a house, a very big house...

In the country.

No, because he's a lege... Spencer Matthews, Made In Chelsea!

I need a dollar, a dollar...

A dollar's what I need.

No, because daddy cut me off. It's Spencer Matthews!

Chelsea, Chelsea, I believe.

Spencer Matthews!

When you are dancing slowly, sucking your sleeve. It's the Fratellis.

What are you saying that for?!

APPLAUSE

Well, Noel's team you need four points to win.

And your time starts now.

She's a perfect 10 but she wears a 12...

Ow, Ow! by Anal Danger.

Baby keep a little two for me... Beautiful South. Perfect 10.

There ain't no party...

-Like an S club party.

-No, like a Jack Dee party!

-You can be my wing man any time...

-Goose.

Bullshit, you can be mine.

It's what Maverick said on Top Gun.

You never close your eyes any more...

When I kiss your face.

By Maverick on Top Gun.

Tonight we are going to party like it's...

1999.

I also would have accepted 1998 and 2003.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Oh, I've given you the second line!

So, that brings us to the final scores.

In second place with four is Noel but this week's winner is Phill with five!

APPLAUSE

So, thanks to Phill, Alex and Spencer. Noel, Maverick and Seann.

This has been one hell of a party. I'm off to play on the bouncy castle.

Good night!

# With an atmosphere

# I love a party with a happy atmosphere

# So let me take you there

# And you and I'll be dancin' in the cool night air

# Oh, oh, what an atmosphere

# I love a party with a happy atmosphere, yeah mmm

# Music everywhere

# And soon we'll be dancin' in the cool night air

# Oh what an atmosphere... #

What are you clapping along like?

You look like you'd turn up on a coach!