Episode 3 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

-I am so excited about Lorraine Kelly hosting.

-Apparently, she's the nicest person on TV.

Oh, yes. We should say hello. Come on.

Hello? Lorraine? Hiya.

What?

Who let you two in? And do you know what?

I've got a lot of complaints. What the f(BEEP) is going on?

Where's my (BEEP) dressing room?

And what about the (BEEP) kittens (BEEP) puppies?

You two couldn't run a (BEEP) in a (BEEP). I'm absolutely (BEEP).

I'm not used to being (BEEP), you know.

It's a (BEEP) disgrace, and (BEEP) (BEEP).

And I, frankly, am out of here. (BEEP). Get out ma road, you.

(BEEP) off.

I am so turned on.

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Coming up on tonight's show, we chat

to Phill and Noel about the latest news from planet pop,

Stacey Solomon will give her own unique interpretation

of the beginnings of some famous songs,

while comedian Tony Law will be guessing which of five grown men is '90s percussionist Pablo Cook.

As if that weren't enough, we have New Zealand funnyman Jared Christmas

remembering the words to pop songs of old,

and Professor Green will be making a souffle.

Now, then. I know what Buzzcocks is like, so I brought some things with me

just to make sure things don't get out of hand.

This is the swear box.

And also, I have this.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

If anybody's out of line, you get spanked.

Could you pass the box over, please, Lorraine?

If I stick a 20 in now.

You know, we just fucking put that in there.

Now, I don't want to be forced to use this.

I don't even swear, but I'm going to be swearing tonight.

We are going to start with round one, which is

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

Noel's team, have a look at this.

He was recently told by the president of Haiti that he

was one of the Haitians that makes him proud.

Him and, er... I'll get back to you.

It's Haitian rap man Wyclef Jean.

# Anything can happen, man.

# Say what, say what? Anything can happen #

Now, that was Wyclef with Anything Can Happen.

But which of these objects caused Wyclef to break his hand?

You've got them underneath there.

-We've got Christmas decorations.

-For the Jew.

-Yes.

-I don't even know what these are.

-We've got a Punch and Judy.

-And we've got a vuvuzela.

-That horn actually goes with your outfit.

-You should mill about town with that. You look brilliant.

-There you go!

That's really good.

I'm too old for TopShop? Get outta here!

I'll summon my... men.

HUNTING CALL

To TopShop!

-So, what do we think?

-He broke his hand?

-He broke his hand.

And the true story about that is he was stuck in a traffic jam. Yeah.

And the horn on his automobile he was driving at that moment

was not working, and luckily,

he had just been to see a football match

with South Africans in there,

and he got that out, and he went, "Hey, you're in my way!"

HORN BLARES

The trouble is, there was a hunt on nearby,

and he also has a pet fox in the back,

and he was set upon by 1,100...hounds.

Wow.

He was like, bah, biff! For ages. "Argh, I've broken my hand."

-He fended off loads of the, er...

-Hounds.

-Hounds.

-That could have happened, easily.

-Maybe Christmas fell on him.

I'm loving this show this week, because I'm usually the weird one.

This is Team Abstract.

-What about these people?

-Yes.

Oh. He's had a stroke.

-Oh, it's all moist in here.

-Sorry about that.

It's been a long afternoon.

I just think they're disgusting. Who designed them?

Thousands of years of puppeting tradition destroyed in a few words.

Do you think that Wyclef did anything with those?

Maybe he just was so sick of Christmas, he punched his Christmas tree and...

He punched his Christmas tree, and then his Christmas tree got him in a headlock.

Oh, my God, Stacey has spent so long today with Noel and Tony,

she's got secondary weird. I can't wait for her next album.

I haven't even had a first one!

Hang on.

Sorry, my bra strap's come undone.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, press red buttons now.

-Sorry about that.

-You couldn't possibly draw any more attention to your tits.

-I'm sorry, Noel.

-I'm trying not to look, I'm trying to be a gentleman!

I'm just going to get my phone out in a minute.

-STACEY:

-It's got to be the horn, innit?

You're one of the weirdest people I've ever met. But I like it.

Do you want to come round my house? We all live together, anyway.

-In this box.

-We get in through this.

I can't do it when you're looking.

I'd like to apologise to anyone watching who may be in rehab.

Good luck with that!

-So, what are we saying? Which object?

-Tinsel.

-Some toast fell on him.

I think the best answer was Christmas fell on him. That's the answer.

You're absolutely right.

Yes, indeed, Wyclef once broke his hand

while helping his wife with Christmas decorations.

Wyclef doesn't normally get involved at Christmas.

He usually shows up in the middle, does some rapping and leaves the rest to Lauryn Hill.

In 2011, Wyclef...

-Don't do that Mr Punch! That's an antique!

-I'm sorry.

No, that's a spanking. Come on! That's abuse.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Bend over.

-Very naughty.

-Wow.

-Now, you know what you did. Just think on.

I'm trying not to say something sexual.

Because if you said that it's like saying it to your mum?

-Is that what it's like? Talking to me about rude things?

-No...

You're not like a mum.

-You're fit.

-Thank you!

-My mum's pretty fit as well.

-Good. I don't want to know.

Phill's team, have a wee look at this.

Time magazine recently voted her the seventh most influential

woman in the world.

Just after Joe McElderry and that woman who threw a cat in the bin.

It's singing sensation Susan Boyle.

# Oh, such a perfect day

# You just keep me hanging on. #

That was Susan Boyle with Perfect Day.

But which of the objects under your desk caused Susan a bit of a mischief?

Was it a pineapple tart, a remote control car or wax strips?

What do we think?

Hang on. Let's just see if this...

Hey, watch the wax strips.

I'm trying to avoid the cake.

Oh, go, go, go, go! That's good.

That's a great image. It looked like a pixie getting scared by modern technology.

-A giant pixie in a real car.

-She doesn't look like the type of lady that waxes.

A mate of mine waxed me and it's not grown back.

I think she probably waxed her forearms and face.

How much trouble could she have got into with a tart?

-She could have spilt it down her top. It could have landed on her bosom.

-Right.

And she didn't know. She went out in public and everyone said, "You've got a tart on your tit."

-That's not really harming her. SuBo was harmed.

-That's pain.

When you get professionally waxed, they use hot wax.

-You seem to know a lot about it.

-I had my legs waxed, man!

-Are you smooth now, like a runway?

-No.

You actually look quite like SuBo!

He's even got his glasses off!

That's amazing! I mean it in a caring way.

-It was wax.

-It was wax, you are saying.

Well, you are absolutely...

-wrong.

-Argh!

Because, in 2010, a young mother had to race to SuBo's rescue

when she saw her choking on a pineapple tart

in a Scottish supermarket.

An investigation was immediately launched

on how fruit made it into a Scottish supermarket!

It's the second time Susan Boyle has been nearly choked to death.

The first time was when Simon Cowell told her he was engaged...

to a woman.

If you fancy trying to get waxed at home, it is very easy.

I can give you a wee demonstration. Here's how best to do it.

Phill, do you want to get waxed? You have to lie down.

I have to do this properly. This won't hurt.

Much!

You have really hairy wee legs.

"Hairy wee legs"?

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE Steady!

You have to warm the strips up and then undo it like that.

This is going to really hurt. Best...episode...ever!

-Then you have to put that down here and press.

-Really press.

-Then drip it off in one movement.

-Again!

-You're hardcore.

-You're half-right!

-Do you want me to do that wee bit?

-Go away!

All right, you're a good sport, you are.

Yargh-h-h-hh-!

I'm pretty sure I am in the wrong studio.

So, when they do the back, sack and crack, the sack bit...

I always wondered about that. Do you hold yourself or someone else?

You hold it and they pull it.

How far do think a scrotum stretches?!

Do you want me to do it to you?

Maybe later! I'll put your name on it.

And that is the end of round one.

If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this round,

you can visit our website:

www.boohoohoo.co.uk.

At the end of that round, Noel's team have one point,

Phill, nothing.

Next up, it's the Intros Round.

Phill and Professor Green, here are yours for Jarred.

-I am so pumped and ready for this bit.

-Good, good. Good.

# Let-let-let, do-do

# Do-do-do, duh-duh-doo

# Do-do-do

# Duh-duh-doo-da-da-da. #

Boom Shake The Room, Fresh Prince Jazzy Jeff?

# Do-do-do

# Duh-duh-doo-da-da-da. #

Backstreet Boys, Everybody?

# Do-do-do, duh-duh-doo-da-da-da. #

The Muppets intro?

No, no, that's enough guesses. You've had far too many guesses.

Control the fun.

-Noel, baby, what do you think?

-Is it Santana.

-Yes, what's the name of the song?

-Oh, shit.

-Here is a clue. Take the rough with the...

-Smooth!

-Shut it!

-It's Smooth by Santana.

-Shut it or you'll get spanked.

Noel, you're absolutely right. Well done.

Here is how it should have sounded.

# INTRO: Smooth by Santana.

Sorry.

I'm having terrible trouble. I'll be right back!

APPLAUSE

I'll be Lorraine Kelly, it's easy.

Oh shit, my bra's exploded!

Who wants a spanking?

-I'll be Phill.

-OK.

I'll be a tit.

I'll be the cameraman.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Here's how it should have soonded!

Ooh, noo!

Sorry about that. OK, this is a chance to redeem yourself.

-It had better be the happy birthday song.

-What's the intro to that?

There isn't one!

That's the way it goes.

# Da-da-da-da Happy birthday... #

You'd never get it!

Here we go, here we go.

Please, please let me get this.

-I really want it so bad.

-It's not a real quiz.

One, two, three, four...

# Dow-dow-dow-now-now-now-now-now Dow-dow-dow-now-now-now-now-now. #

Ross, Rachel, the other ones.

-Friends! The Rembrandts, the Friends theme tune?

-Which is called?

The Friends theme tune!

Sing it, sing it.

-This too much pressure now.

-Sing it, sing it.

-I remember that bit.

-It's not the title, it couldn't be!

The Rembrandts. I'll Be There For You!

APPLAUSE

I don't know how to get down.

That was very good. You redeemed yourself, well done.

-Thank you, Lorraine.

-This though is how it should have sounded.

# INTRO: I'll Be There For You by The Rembrandts

# So no-one told you life was going to be this way... #

That was The Rembrandts with I'll Be There For You.

There's a new Rembrandts album, imagine that.

Well, you'll have to because there isn't!

We also heard Santana with Smooth.

In 2006, Santana released his own signature fragrance.

I think I could live for a thousand years without ever saying to my lovely husband,

"Why can't you smell more like Carlos Santana?"

Right, Noel and Stacey, here are yours for Tony.

Good luck.

# Jum-jum-jum-jum

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do... #

I don't know any other bit than that! You might not know it though.

-Do you know it?

-Of course I know it, I've got the card!

LAUGHTER

-I don't think you'll know it.

-You're right, I'm not going to!

You don't know it, baby, no? Give us a wee guess.

Happy frickin' birthday...

by some man in the 1200s.

You're so close, a thousand years later...

2200 in the future.

-I really don't know.

-Phill, have you got any idea?

-Anything?

You'd definitely know.

Kickstarts... # And the love kickstarts again. #

It is. Well done.

That's absolutely right.

Kickstarts by Example and this is how it should have sounded.

# INTRO: Kickstarts by Example.

-Right, next one.

-OK, here we go.

-Doom, doom, doom, doom.

-# Da na na na now!

-# Da na na na now!

-Doom, doom, doom, doom.

# Da na na na na na na na

# Da na na na na na na na... #

Oh, it's, um...

It's Roy Or Bison.

LAUGHTER

Pretty...Hooman.

I love that song.

Well done, well done, you're absolutely right.

I enjoyed listening to that when I was panning for gold.

-I think you might be my favourite.

-All right!

Roy Orbison, and Pretty Woman. Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

-That was exactly it.

-It was very good.

# Ba da da da da da da da... #

# Pretty woman... #

We also heard Example, with Kickstarts. At the age of 12,

Example entered his first rap battle at a house party in Shepherd's Bush.

In his words, he "completely destroyed a useless wanker".

He was so excited, he totally forgot to pick up his party bag.

I don't understand that, though.

What is that? What do you do when you battle rap?

You basically take the piss out of someone, but make it rhyme.

Let's do it now.

Did you not rap in that Pot Noodle advert? You rapped.

I love Pot Noodles, by the way. Just thought I'd let you know.

-I can hook you up. What's your favourite?

-Chicken and mushroom, or the yellow curry one.

-What about beef and tomato?

-Ugh, what the hell? Reject!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So when you're laying down the battle rap,

-do you get in trouble if you don't rhyme?

-A bit.

When you do it good, are they like "Yeah! Raah!"

-Yeah.

-They touch the sides of an invisible shape. "Yeah! Rah!"

What was your best slam, when people went "Whoa!"?

-I battled a girl once.

-Oh.

-Yeah, I know, I did feel horrible.

But she said I had an STD,

and I said "Battling me, you are dumb.

"You haven't got an STD, bitch, you are one."

Oh!

You called her a bitch!

And at the end of that round,

Noel's team has three. Phill's team has two.

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Phill, Professor Green and Jarred, do you fancy some R&B?

-Do we ever, Lorraine?

-Good! For the audience only,

here is Kele Le Roc.

# ..Lie on a summer's day Looking at the sky

# And dance with you in the rain That would be so nice

# And when the sun sets and the sand is warm

# We can make love

# Shower you with kisses... #

Well, that was Kele Le Roc with My Love,

but which of our line-up is Ms Le Roc?

Number one, My Love?

Number two, Fifteen-Love?

Number three, Get Your Coat, Love?

Number four, Strange Love?

Number Five, I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won't Do That,

Even If It Is Your Birthday?

What do we think?

-I've got something.

-What are you going to try?

-Kele!

Kele!

Kele!

Oh, she's good.

-Prof? Thoughts.

-I've got an idea.

Is it...broadcastable?

I've got another idea.

-What do you think, guys? Any idea?

-Number three.

Let's find out. Would the real Kele Le Roc please step forward?

Yes! Well done.

Well done. And now with a new single out called SYD,

it's Kele Le Roc, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful woman.

Now, then, Noel, Stacey and Tony, what about some techno dance?

For the audience only, here's The Grid.

Well, that was of course The Grid, with Rollercoaster.

But which of our line-up is percussionist Pablo Cook?

Is it number one, Rollercoaster?

Number two, Roll Over?

Number three, Role Of A Lifetime?

Number four, Roland From Grange Hill?

Or number five, Ate My Last Rolo, The Bastard?

What do we think, then?

-Have a wee go.

-Number four's quite happy just to be here.

Number four looks like he's going

to catch his food with a stick in the ocean!

You mean a fishing rod.

Have you seen that programme

with David Attenborough when they go fishing? They're like...

..in this hole!

That's who he reminds me of, that man.

-What's three listening to?

-He's blocking out this round.

-Yeah. I think it's number one.

-He's looking at us with total disdain.

It's number one, because he's the shortest.

I think it's five, because he's the tallest.

-What do you think?

-Shall we say one?

-Let's go one.

-Let's go one.

Let's find out. Would the real Pablo Cook please step forward?

Oh!

Yeah!

Now writing and producing new material, Pablo Cook,

ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Pablo.

At the end of that round, Noel's team has three.

And Phill's team has three.

So, we end with Guess The Next Line.

It's a draw, so Phill, I think you should go first.

Here we go.

I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more...

# To be the man who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door. #

Correct. The Proclaimers, and 500 Miles.

Tell our enemies that they may take our lives...

But they won't take our freedom!

That was really good!

That was of course William Wallace from the movie Braveheart.

Mel Gibson before he went weird.

And you will see the finest in the city of Dundee...

No, you won't.

-You will.

-Dundee's a good biscuit.

It's a cake, you daft bugger.

It's a cake?

It's a big giant cake full of booze.

Are you sure you're not confusing that with a relative?

You know my family!

Dreaming of a white Christmas...

That's a bit racist.

Just like the ones I used to know, Lorraine Kelly,

you terrible racist.

It's "Just like the ones..."

What a way to find out, on a pop quiz.

-I know. I've been outed.

-END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

OK. Noel's team, you need three points to win.

Give me your heart and make it real...

# Give me your heart and make it real, or else forget about it. #

That's right. Santana, Smooth.

SHE IMITATES GUITAR

I love that one.

I fought the law...

And they won!

-I fought the law, and the law won.

-That's right.

If my surname's Law and I fought the Law, then I won.

I know.

Stacey, this is for you. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain...

What the hell?

-And the water in Majorca...

-Cheers.

-Doesn't taste like it oughta.

And the water in Majorca don't taste like what it oughta.

-Happy?

-That'll do.

I think we just might have won this quiz.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

OK. Well, Phill's team have got five points.

Noel's team have got six,

which of course means Noel's team are the winners.

-Congratulations! Hooray!

-CHEERING

Well done.

Well done.

Thanks to Phill, Professor Green and Jarred,

Noel, Stacey and Tony.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Lorraine Kelly.

Join me on my show tomorrow,

when I'll be talking to John McCririck about anal bleaching.

Good night.

# And I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

e-mail [email protected]

(NOEL) Can I just say that I'm in love with my own team?