Episode 4 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

-Call it.

-Tails.

-Yes!

-There you go.

-I'll have the D-man, Dynamo.

-Yes!

OK, I've got to start strong. Cho.

I need someone with a beautiful voice. Beverly?

Oooh! I wanted Beverly.

-OK. Reggie.

-Gotta be Reggie.

-Yeah.

Sweet, OK. Two-a-side?

That's pretty even.

-All right.

-Hey, guys...

Buxton! Post!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the show.

I'm Adam Buxton, off of Adam and Joe,

and some films, and my BBC6 Music Radio Show.

If none of those ring any bells for you, just take my word for it. I am Adam Buxton, I swear to you.

Joining me tonight for some pop-based hilarity, on Noel's team:

She's not been on the show before. We should have booked her.

We would have booked her,

we could have booked her

but we didn't book her. But we have now, so it's fine.

It's British soul legend, Beverly Knight!

APPLAUSE

And Dynamo. He's the most talked about magician of his generation.

He can also clear a blocked drain, with no call out!

It's Dynamo, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

And on Phil's team tonight:

She's an American comedian and recording artist whose

songs include, "Your Dick", "My puss" and "Eat Shit and Die."

Timeless songs that my mum used to sing to me when I was little.

It's Margaret Cho.

CHEERING

He's a well known actor, presenter and Radio 1 DJ.

And he's taken a day off from running

his very successful chain of wine bars.

It's Reggie Yates.

CHEERING

Now, Dynamo, before we kick off,

have you got anything cool you can show us?

You want me to start the show like this, yeah?

-Lay something cool on me!

-Bev, I noticed you had some mints backstage. Do you have them here?

Yeah, I do.

Beef are we talking about here?

No, mints!

Do you want one?

Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Oh, don't do that!

Oh, my God!

Oh, flippin' heck!

APPLAUSE

If you don't like it, spit it out.

I think that trick could be improved if you did it with a Babybel.

-Babybels don't have a hole.

-Donut?

Donut, that would work.

-Let me know when he starts ripping donuts out of his throat, I'm in.

-You're down, yeah?

I always thought Never Mind the Buzzcocks was missing a trick

by not having bespoke radio style jingles

to explain each round.

So here's a bit of an AC/DC jingle for you right now.

# 2, 3, 4

APPLAUSE

-Now That was cool!

-I'm going to show you

a picture in which we've morphed together two well known faces from the world of music.

The teams have to tell me who those faces belong to, and then, what connects them. Noel's team,

who's been morphed?

Easy. We thought that was Rastamouse.

Do you do some voices for Rastamouse?

I am the voice of the mouse himself.

-No, no, it's not gonna happen.

-You're not gonna do a bit of Rastamouse? He just pulled a Polo out of his neck!

Who wants to see Reggie?

-CHEERING

-Come on!

Reggie, can I just say, if I was the voice of Rastamouse,

that would be my only voice!

-Have you seen the show?

-Yes.

It's really up there. It's quite high, it's hard to get to.

Noel thinks it's a documentary.

I saw a mouse today as well, actually.

-Did he have locks?

-He was a dubstep mouse.

You were saying the Rastafarians were a bit annoyed

cos a mouse is quite small.

They were vexed because

they said the mouse is like this little creature

and they were like, "It should be a lion! It should represent a lion!"

- Rastalion doesn't have the same ring.

- Are you really not going to do it? I'm dying to hear. - They'd all forgotten!

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

-Just say Never Mind The Buzzcocks in the style of Rastamouse.

-Oh, God.

All right, just to prevent ruining it for any children,

-can I, like, hide my face?

-Sure.

I'm going to turn around so you can't see me. Don't put me off.

It's like being at the urinal. I don't want you to look at me.

You know what's funny?

I can feel you wiggling a little bit cos you're trying not to laugh.

Yeah, that's right, "trying not to laugh".

I can't bloody do it!

Never... I can't do it! I can't do it.

I tried, I really did, I can't do it. I can't. Sorry, I'm sorry.

It's really easy to do it.

If you don't know it's coming then I'll just suddenly go...

-Give me a nudge.

-.."MOUSE NOW!" And it's not a pressure situation at all.

-That's the deal. When there's no pressure on, I can deliver the mouse.

-Yeah, OK.

When the pressure's not on, we can all "deliver the mouse".

So how are you getting on with that picture?

-He's a nice-looking chap, isn't he?

-A bit like Jack Sparrow.

The words "Jack Sparrow" shouldn't be said in that accent.

-MIMICS YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-A bit like Jack Sparrow.

-It was quite beautiful. You're from Bradford, aren't you?

-Yeah.

I had a friend from Bradford, and when something went wrong, he used to go...

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-"Oh, no, it's a horror show!"

-You said Jack Sparrow?

-Yeah.

-Do you think this is...?

It's Keith, right?

-I think that that might be Keith Richards.

-I'm going to give you a clue just to help you along.

-Go on.

This is a clue featuring the lyrics of one of the celebrities,

sung sort of in the style of the other one.

# Get out of the way, yo Get out of the way, yo

# Biggie Smalls just got dropped Little move pass the mac

# And let me hit him in his back

# Frank White needs to get spanked, right. #

Fantastic.

-You've got this, don't you?

-2Pac.

-It's 2Pac.

-Pretty girly-eyed 2Pac.

-Keith Richards and 2Pac.

-Yeah.

-let's see if you're right.

-Yeah.

-Look at that.

-Absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE

Keith Richards and 2Pac - the question is, what connects the two, though?

Well, their faces were fused.

-I have a physical clue for you.

-Ah.

-Here we go.

-Oh! Yeah.

Didn't Keith say that when his dad died,

he had his dad's ashes and he chopped out a line of his dad

and snorted a line of his dad?

-No.

-Don't look at me like I'm a sicko, I didn't do it!

-He talked about it in his book.

-He chops out a line...

He says, "Oh, this has been blown out of all proportion. I did a tiny bit."

But where does Pac come into it, then?

-Was 2Pac committed?

-I think you've pretty much got it.

-Both are linked to the misuse of cremated remains.

-Oh, my God.

Keith Richards claims he snorted his father's ashes

while 2Pac's old crew, The Outlawz,

claimed they smoked his ashes at a memorial barbeque on the beach.

Good barbeque!

Phill's team, whose faces have we morphed here?

-Ooh!

-I mean, I'm just, like... Looking at it sideways like this with all of the hair...

To me it just looks like porn.

-I assure you, that is wrong for porn.

-Yeah.

Here's a clue featuring the lyrics of one of those celebrities,

delivered sort of in the style of the other.

# What you gonna do with all that junk?

# All that junk inside your trunk

# I'm gonna get get get you drunk

# Get you love drunk off my hump. #

Innit.

APPLAUSE

I don't remember there being an "innit," on the original version of My Humps.

This is the remix.

It's obvious, it's Fergie cos that was the song, My Humps.

-So it's Fergie.

-Whoever the other person is looks quite hip hop - there's a hat, there's a chain.

Soon as I saw that tiny moustache I can't help

but be reminded of a young man that sat next to me

on a number of occasions on this very Quiz.

Is it Dappy from N-Dubz?

Fergie and Dappy, let's see if you're right.

There you go!

APPLAUSE

Absolutely right, it's Dappy and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas

but the question is what connects the two.

-Oh, Lordy.

-Well, think past times.

What do these amazing artists get up to

when they're not creating timeless sounds?

-Do you have a clue?

-Yeah, I've got a bit of a clue.

-Whip it out.

A delicious bit of fish.

Why did you give it to me like I'm going to chop it up?

-No! Oh!

-Oh, mate.

Look at that, how am I going to get home and explain?

Yeah, I've been doing Buzzcocks, love.

So why does your breath and fingers... Anyway! Um...

-They're keen anglers? They're not?

-Bongo.

-Shut up?

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

You're absolutely right, Phill, they are both keen fishermen.

Fergie is an ardent angler while Dappy loves carp fishing.

We actually have a picture of Dappy on the cover of Total Carp.

This is real, this is not mocked up. There he is... Uh...

-Look at the size of that thing!

-Yeah, it's giant.

I is gonna need a bigger boat, you know what I mean?

Dappy grew up in Camden so presumably fell in love with

fishing when he caught his first condom-infested shopping trolley.

You have a bit of time to think about it, I'll just buffer.

APPLAUSE

Next up, it's the Intros Round.

Here's a little intro for you in a very modern synth-pop style.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Noel and Beverley here are yours for Dynamo.

OK.

Wow.

# Doo-la-loo-loo doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-la-loo-loo-loo da-doo-doo-do

# Doo-loo-loo-loo

# Say nothing at all! #

# Doo-la-loo-loo doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-la-loo-loo-loo da-doo-doo-do

# Doo-la-loo-loo

# Bip-bip-bip-ba-bippa

What?

I just felt like I was letting the side down.

I'm going to have to pass on that one I think. I can't...

You say you're going to pass on it and then you're going to bring

a coconut on, chop it in half and the answer's going to be...

Phill, would you like to?

You know the song.

# The female of the species is more deadly than the male. #

-Do the mouse!

-Huh?

Never mind... I can't do it!

APPLAUSE

Sorry.

Reggie, you're absolutely right it was Space with

The Female of the Species.

-Next intro please.

-Oh, yeah!

NOEL WHISTLES

# Do-do-da-do-do, do-do-da-do-do

# Do-do-da-do-do, do-do-da-do-do, do-da-dum-dum

# Do-do-da-do-do, do-do-da-do-do. #

Magic Moments?

Very good, absolutely correct, Magic Moments by Perry Como.

This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC PLAYS

Now, this seems like a good point at which to ask you, Dynamo,

perhaps if you could provide us with another magic moment.

-Do you want to see something that's quite freaky, yeah?

-Yeah.

Watch this.

ALL: Oh!

Oh, no.

But have you seen this?

APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-Yeah? Have you seen this?

Prepare to be amazed!

APPLAUSE

Phill and Margaret, here are your intros for Reggie.

OK, OK.

# Danga-nanga-nanga-nanga-nanga danga-nanga-nanga-nanga-nanga

# Baddaw, daddaw, baddaw, daddaw! #

Wow. She's going. Wow!

-Um, sorry!

-No? Not going to happen.

Um, Noel's team?

Is it Pinball Wizard, The Who?

Pinball Wizard by The Who, absolutely correct!

APPLAUSE

Well done, here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC PLAYS

Windmill!

Next one please, Phill.

OK.

# Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum

# Neeyow-yeeow

# Neeyow-yeeow

-# Doo-doo-doo-deeyow

-# Neeyow-yeeow. #

Oh, no!

# Neeyow-yeeow #

# Beeyow-chicka-wow

# Neeyow-yeeow

# Neeyow-yeeow! #

Sorry, I was really into it.

-Oh no! Nah, I've got nothing!

-To be fair, we're not very good.

It sounded like I was waiting for a cat to finish abusing itself.

Noel, Beverley, Dynamo, any ideas?

BOTH: Rastamouse!

Do the mouse!

Never mind... No!

Each time he gets a little further along.

-I'm lost. Totally.

-Bon Jovi?

-Oh!

-Yeah, was it Bon Jovi?

-I knew I knew it!

-Do the mouse, come on!

-I'll just do my own voice.

I can't, sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Bon Jovi, but which track?

-The something Glory?

-Blades!

Yeah, Blades of Glory by Jon Bon Jovi.

Jon Bon Jovi says his ideal partner would wear blue jeans,

cowboy boots and have voluptuous breasts.

In other words, Simon Cowell.

We also heard The Who with Pinball Wizard.

Pete Townsend says that he's now almost completely stone deaf

which is a shame - not only might it end his musical career,

he also won't hear his wife coming up the stairs when he's using the internet.

Right, it's time for the Mystery Line-Up round

and I've got a little jingle for you in the popular

Cajun pop-country style that's rapidly overtaking dubstep I think you'll find.

A song about the vicissitudes of fame there.

Noel, Dynamo and Beverley,

how about some early British jazz-funk for you.

For the audience only, here is Light of the World.

# Freedom came my way one day

# And I started out of town

# They say they wanna bring me in guilty

# For the killing of the deputy

# So I shot, I shot him down

# But I say, hey! #

That was Light of the World with I Shot the Sheriff, but,

which one of our line-up is singer and lead guitarist Nat Augustin?

Is it, number one, I shot the sheriff?

Number two, I shot JR?

Number three, I shot my own porn film?

Number four, I shot my wife and kids?

Or number five, I shat my pants?

Noel's team.

I think number two, cos he's holding like a firm gaze.

-That's what I thought.

-Come on, Merlin, you can do better than that.

Easily number three, look at his stance. He doesn't give a shit.

-It could be number one.

-Oh, thanks, it could be number one!

Say something funny and try and break him.

It's not as easy as that.

-Number 1's got the eyes, though, hasn't he?

-Yeah.

He's got the eyes of a haunted...

old Russian lady.

What?!

I'm like Columbo - it looks like I don't know what I'm doing,

but it's all going on up here.

-Number 1.

-What do you think? Number 1?

-I think number 1.

-I'll follow you.

-Going for number 1?

-Yeah, number 1.

-Let's find out.

-They said it.

Would the real Nat Augustin please step forward?

There he is, number 2.

-You see?!

-APPLAUSE

Now gigging as a solo artist,

and with a new album from Light Of The World out soon,

Nat Augustin, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Phill, Reggie and Margaret, would you like a slice of '90s UK garage?

-You betcha!

-Yeah!

OK. For the audience only, here are Artful Dodger.

# Ooh, you're moving too fast and I don't think it's right

# I'm not giving you my love tonight

# Now, ooh, you're moving too fast

# Better sit back, relax

# I'm not giving up no love tonight... #

That was Artful Dodger with Movin' Too Fast,

but which of our line-up is vocalist Romina Johnson?

Is it number 1...

Movin' Too Fast?

Number 2...

Movin' To France?

Number 3...

Movin' Back In With Her Parents?

Number 4...

Movin' Me To Tears?

Or number 5...

Movin' Performance In Holby City Last Week. Well Done.

Phill's team.

Um, Reggie.

It's not 4. She's too young. Definitely not 4.

Um, 3 looks really angry, so it might be her.

She's got that, "What you talkin' about that bitch for?" in her eyes.

-2 looks crossest, I think.

-She does.

-And just for 2...

..do the mouse.

-AS RASTAMOUSE:

-Never Mind De Buzzcocks.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-I'm getting a 1 vibe.

-I'm getting a 1 vibe.

OK. We think it's 1.

-WHISPERS:

-I don't!

Would the real Romina Johnson please step forward?

Oh!

Yes, it is.

With her album, Soul River, out now,

Romina Johnson, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you very much.

So, we end with a round based on my pet subject, YouTube comments.

This is a kind of missing words round based on real YouTube comments

that we have found.

Phill's team,

this appeared underneath the video for Baby by Justin Bieber.

A beautiful lesbian.

-NOEL:

-Fish finger with hair?

Here is what it actually said.

What?!

He's a crack attic.

Here's a comment that was left under one of your videos, Margaret.

Big wood.

That is not bad.

-Very good, Reggie, you're getting into the swing of things.

-Ahh, nice!

Thanks!

Margaret, this was another comment left under one of your videos.

I've got it!

"Whoever dislikes this video is an intricate charcoal drawing of a..."

Er, let's reveal the answer.

It's one of the worst kind of faces there is!

Reggie, this is a comment that appeared under

a video of you at work.

A meanny bo beeny stupid face?

Let's reveal it.

APPLAUSE

Noel's team, this comment was left underneath

a Britney Spears video, Gimme More.

Errugh!

That's the emoticon at the end, there.

Gellyhair.

Gellyhair45, the 45th of the Gellyhair Clan!

"My discarded pubes"?

Oh, that's not too far from the truth.

Let's reveal it.

I like that Gellyhair said, "I'm going to call myself Gellyhair1.

"Oh, taken.

"Gellyhair2? Oh... This is getting..."

GELLYHAIR27! SWEET CHRIST!

Here is a comment that was left underneath a video of you,

Dynamo, performing. And this was left by Gerybaboona.

He says...

Wizard?

A new Paul Daniels?

Genius.

"Sutin"?!

APPLAUSE

"Oh, look at the skills on this guy. He's a alien or sutin!"

"That's Gerybaboona!

"He always can spot a alien or sutin."

I think Gerybaboona could've done justice

to those Pete Townshend jokes.

"He what? He can't hear 'is wife coming up

on the internet, what or sutin?!"

Here's another comment that was left underneath your video, Dynamo.

Well, that's... That's Gerybaboona again!

"You are the only peopl on planet made from...sutin."

Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

People actually write that stuff?!

Come on, these are the intelligent ones.

Here's a comment that appeared underneath

the video for Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda by Beverley Knight.

And it was left by Makenna1, who says, simply...

what?

"Sutin!"

-It is...

-"Shit sperm."

APPLAUSE

-Please don't let him near me!

-You're traumatising her!

Oh, my God!

He'll be in the front row of your next concert, I imagine.

-Oh, my God.

-"HI!

"It's me or sutin."

Now, the scores at the end of that round are five-all,

so it's a draw, teams. OK?

APPLAUSE

That means it's a tie-break situation,

so I'm going to show you a home-made clip.

Count how many Mobies there are in this clip.

Go!

# Moby, Moby, Moby

# Moby, Michael Stipe

# Moby-moby

# Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Michael Stipe, Michael Stipe

# Moby-Moby, Michael Stipe

# Moby-Moby, Moby, Michael Chiklis

# Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis

# Michael Chiklis, Moby-Moby

# Michael Stipe, Michael Chiklis

# Heston Blumenthal! #

APPLAUSE

Might have been thrown by Blumenthal at the end, there,

but how many Mobies did you count?

Phill.

12.

You're going for 12.

Noel's team?

-14.

-14.

The correct answer was 15, so, Noel, you were closest there with 14,

which means that you are tonight's winners!

Noel's team, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you to Noel, Beverley and Dynamo.

Thank you very much to Phill, Reggie and Margaret.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I've been Adam Buxton. Goodnight!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# One, two, three, four

# It's the end of the show

# It's the end of the show

# This is the final jingle for the end of the show

# Brought my Reg and Margaret

# Brought my Phill and Noel

# That way I keep Beverley and that kid, Dynamo

# I wanted this to go as the star of the show

# So I asked the producer but producer said no

# Your sessions are a shame

# But the jingles can go

# And I think we both know it's at the end of the show. #

Or sutin.

Cheerio! Thanks for having me!

Bye!

Ohh!

Oh!

It's a nice box.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]

# Think I'd better leave right now... #