Episode 4 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 4

Anarchic music quiz. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest host Adam Buxton and panellists Reggie Yates, Margaret Cho, Dynamo and Beverley Knight.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Call it.

-Tails.

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-Yes!

-There you go.

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-I'll have the D-man, Dynamo.

-Yes!

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OK, I've got to start strong. Cho.

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I need someone with a beautiful voice. Beverly?

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Oooh! I wanted Beverly.

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-OK. Reggie.

-Gotta be Reggie.

-Yeah.

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Sweet, OK. Two-a-side?

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That's pretty even.

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-All right.

-Hey, guys...

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Buxton! Post!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to the show.

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I'm Adam Buxton, off of Adam and Joe,

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and some films, and my BBC6 Music Radio Show.

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If none of those ring any bells for you, just take my word for it. I am Adam Buxton, I swear to you.

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Joining me tonight for some pop-based hilarity, on Noel's team:

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She's not been on the show before. We should have booked her.

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We would have booked her,

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we could have booked her

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but we didn't book her. But we have now, so it's fine.

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It's British soul legend, Beverly Knight!

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APPLAUSE

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And Dynamo. He's the most talked about magician of his generation.

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He can also clear a blocked drain, with no call out!

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It's Dynamo, ladies and gentlemen.

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APPLAUSE

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And on Phil's team tonight:

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She's an American comedian and recording artist whose

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songs include, "Your Dick", "My puss" and "Eat Shit and Die."

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Timeless songs that my mum used to sing to me when I was little.

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It's Margaret Cho.

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CHEERING

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He's a well known actor, presenter and Radio 1 DJ.

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And he's taken a day off from running

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his very successful chain of wine bars.

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It's Reggie Yates.

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CHEERING

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Now, Dynamo, before we kick off,

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have you got anything cool you can show us?

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You want me to start the show like this, yeah?

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-Lay something cool on me!

-Bev, I noticed you had some mints backstage. Do you have them here?

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Yeah, I do.

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Beef are we talking about here?

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No, mints!

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Do you want one?

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Is that all right?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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Oh, don't do that!

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Oh, my God!

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Oh, flippin' heck!

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APPLAUSE

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If you don't like it, spit it out.

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I think that trick could be improved if you did it with a Babybel.

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-Babybels don't have a hole.

-Donut?

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Donut, that would work.

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-Let me know when he starts ripping donuts out of his throat, I'm in.

-You're down, yeah?

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I always thought Never Mind the Buzzcocks was missing a trick

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by not having bespoke radio style jingles

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to explain each round.

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So here's a bit of an AC/DC jingle for you right now.

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# 2, 3, 4

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APPLAUSE

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-Now That was cool!

-I'm going to show you

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a picture in which we've morphed together two well known faces from the world of music.

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The teams have to tell me who those faces belong to, and then, what connects them. Noel's team,

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who's been morphed?

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Easy. We thought that was Rastamouse.

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Do you do some voices for Rastamouse?

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I am the voice of the mouse himself.

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-No, no, it's not gonna happen.

-You're not gonna do a bit of Rastamouse? He just pulled a Polo out of his neck!

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Who wants to see Reggie?

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-CHEERING

-Come on!

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Reggie, can I just say, if I was the voice of Rastamouse,

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that would be my only voice!

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-Have you seen the show?

-Yes.

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It's really up there. It's quite high, it's hard to get to.

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Noel thinks it's a documentary.

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I saw a mouse today as well, actually.

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-Did he have locks?

-He was a dubstep mouse.

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You were saying the Rastafarians were a bit annoyed

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cos a mouse is quite small.

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They were vexed because

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they said the mouse is like this little creature

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and they were like, "It should be a lion! It should represent a lion!"

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- Rastalion doesn't have the same ring.

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- Are you really not going to do it? I'm dying to hear. - They'd all forgotten!

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CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

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-Just say Never Mind The Buzzcocks in the style of Rastamouse.

-Oh, God.

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All right, just to prevent ruining it for any children,

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-can I, like, hide my face?

-Sure.

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I'm going to turn around so you can't see me. Don't put me off.

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It's like being at the urinal. I don't want you to look at me.

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You know what's funny?

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I can feel you wiggling a little bit cos you're trying not to laugh.

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Yeah, that's right, "trying not to laugh".

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I can't bloody do it!

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Never... I can't do it! I can't do it.

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I tried, I really did, I can't do it. I can't. Sorry, I'm sorry.

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It's really easy to do it.

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If you don't know it's coming then I'll just suddenly go...

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-Give me a nudge.

-.."MOUSE NOW!" And it's not a pressure situation at all.

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-That's the deal. When there's no pressure on, I can deliver the mouse.

-Yeah, OK.

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When the pressure's not on, we can all "deliver the mouse".

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So how are you getting on with that picture?

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-He's a nice-looking chap, isn't he?

-A bit like Jack Sparrow.

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The words "Jack Sparrow" shouldn't be said in that accent.

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-MIMICS YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-A bit like Jack Sparrow.

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-It was quite beautiful. You're from Bradford, aren't you?

-Yeah.

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I had a friend from Bradford, and when something went wrong, he used to go...

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-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-"Oh, no, it's a horror show!"

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-You said Jack Sparrow?

-Yeah.

-Do you think this is...?

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It's Keith, right?

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-I think that that might be Keith Richards.

-I'm going to give you a clue just to help you along.

-Go on.

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This is a clue featuring the lyrics of one of the celebrities,

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sung sort of in the style of the other one.

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# Get out of the way, yo Get out of the way, yo

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# Biggie Smalls just got dropped Little move pass the mac

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# And let me hit him in his back

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# Frank White needs to get spanked, right. #

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Fantastic.

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-You've got this, don't you?

-2Pac.

-It's 2Pac.

-Pretty girly-eyed 2Pac.

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-Keith Richards and 2Pac.

-Yeah.

-let's see if you're right.

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-Yeah.

-Look at that.

-Absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE

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Keith Richards and 2Pac - the question is, what connects the two, though?

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Well, their faces were fused.

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-I have a physical clue for you.

-Ah.

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-Here we go.

-Oh! Yeah.

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Didn't Keith say that when his dad died,

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he had his dad's ashes and he chopped out a line of his dad

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and snorted a line of his dad?

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-No.

-Don't look at me like I'm a sicko, I didn't do it!

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-He talked about it in his book.

-He chops out a line...

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He says, "Oh, this has been blown out of all proportion. I did a tiny bit."

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But where does Pac come into it, then?

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-Was 2Pac committed?

-I think you've pretty much got it.

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-Both are linked to the misuse of cremated remains.

-Oh, my God.

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Keith Richards claims he snorted his father's ashes

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while 2Pac's old crew, The Outlawz,

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claimed they smoked his ashes at a memorial barbeque on the beach.

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Good barbeque!

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Phill's team, whose faces have we morphed here?

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-Ooh!

-I mean, I'm just, like... Looking at it sideways like this with all of the hair...

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To me it just looks like porn.

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-I assure you, that is wrong for porn.

-Yeah.

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Here's a clue featuring the lyrics of one of those celebrities,

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delivered sort of in the style of the other.

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# What you gonna do with all that junk?

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# All that junk inside your trunk

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# I'm gonna get get get you drunk

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# Get you love drunk off my hump. #

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Innit.

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APPLAUSE

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I don't remember there being an "innit," on the original version of My Humps.

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This is the remix.

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It's obvious, it's Fergie cos that was the song, My Humps.

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-So it's Fergie.

-Whoever the other person is looks quite hip hop - there's a hat, there's a chain.

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Soon as I saw that tiny moustache I can't help

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but be reminded of a young man that sat next to me

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on a number of occasions on this very Quiz.

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Is it Dappy from N-Dubz?

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Fergie and Dappy, let's see if you're right.

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There you go!

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APPLAUSE

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Absolutely right, it's Dappy and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas

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but the question is what connects the two.

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-Oh, Lordy.

-Well, think past times.

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What do these amazing artists get up to

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when they're not creating timeless sounds?

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-Do you have a clue?

-Yeah, I've got a bit of a clue.

-Whip it out.

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A delicious bit of fish.

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Why did you give it to me like I'm going to chop it up?

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-No! Oh!

-Oh, mate.

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Look at that, how am I going to get home and explain?

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Yeah, I've been doing Buzzcocks, love.

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So why does your breath and fingers... Anyway! Um...

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-They're keen anglers? They're not?

-Bongo.

-Shut up?

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, my God!

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You're absolutely right, Phill, they are both keen fishermen.

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Fergie is an ardent angler while Dappy loves carp fishing.

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We actually have a picture of Dappy on the cover of Total Carp.

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This is real, this is not mocked up. There he is... Uh...

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-Look at the size of that thing!

-Yeah, it's giant.

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I is gonna need a bigger boat, you know what I mean?

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Dappy grew up in Camden so presumably fell in love with

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fishing when he caught his first condom-infested shopping trolley.

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You have a bit of time to think about it, I'll just buffer.

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APPLAUSE

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Next up, it's the Intros Round.

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Here's a little intro for you in a very modern synth-pop style.

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Thank you very much.

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APPLAUSE

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Noel and Beverley here are yours for Dynamo.

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OK.

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Wow.

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# Doo-la-loo-loo doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-la-loo-loo-loo da-doo-doo-do

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# Doo-loo-loo-loo

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# Say nothing at all! #

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# Doo-la-loo-loo doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-la-loo-loo-loo da-doo-doo-do

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# Doo-la-loo-loo

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# Bip-bip-bip-ba-bippa

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What?

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I just felt like I was letting the side down.

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I'm going to have to pass on that one I think. I can't...

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You say you're going to pass on it and then you're going to bring

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a coconut on, chop it in half and the answer's going to be...

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Phill, would you like to?

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You know the song.

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# The female of the species is more deadly than the male. #

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-Do the mouse!

-Huh?

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Never mind... I can't do it!

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APPLAUSE

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Sorry.

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Reggie, you're absolutely right it was Space with

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The Female of the Species.

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-Next intro please.

-Oh, yeah!

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NOEL WHISTLES

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# Do-do-da-do-do, do-do-da-do-do

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# Do-do-da-do-do, do-do-da-do-do, do-da-dum-dum

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# Do-do-da-do-do, do-do-da-do-do. #

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Magic Moments?

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Very good, absolutely correct, Magic Moments by Perry Como.

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This is how it should have sounded.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Now, this seems like a good point at which to ask you, Dynamo,

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perhaps if you could provide us with another magic moment.

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-Do you want to see something that's quite freaky, yeah?

-Yeah.

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Watch this.

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ALL: Oh!

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Oh, no.

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But have you seen this?

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APPLAUSE

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-Wow!

-Yeah? Have you seen this?

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Prepare to be amazed!

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APPLAUSE

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Phill and Margaret, here are your intros for Reggie.

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OK, OK.

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# Danga-nanga-nanga-nanga-nanga danga-nanga-nanga-nanga-nanga

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# Baddaw, daddaw, baddaw, daddaw! #

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Wow. She's going. Wow!

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-Um, sorry!

-No? Not going to happen.

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Um, Noel's team?

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Is it Pinball Wizard, The Who?

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Pinball Wizard by The Who, absolutely correct!

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APPLAUSE

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Well done, here is how it should have sounded.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Windmill!

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Next one please, Phill.

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OK.

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# Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum

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# Neeyow-yeeow

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# Neeyow-yeeow

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-# Doo-doo-doo-deeyow

-# Neeyow-yeeow. #

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Oh, no!

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# Neeyow-yeeow #

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# Beeyow-chicka-wow

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# Neeyow-yeeow

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# Neeyow-yeeow! #

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Sorry, I was really into it.

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-Oh no! Nah, I've got nothing!

-To be fair, we're not very good.

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It sounded like I was waiting for a cat to finish abusing itself.

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Noel, Beverley, Dynamo, any ideas?

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BOTH: Rastamouse!

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Do the mouse!

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Never mind... No!

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Each time he gets a little further along.

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-I'm lost. Totally.

-Bon Jovi?

-Oh!

-Yeah, was it Bon Jovi?

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-I knew I knew it!

-Do the mouse, come on!

-I'll just do my own voice.

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I can't, sorry.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:470:16:52

-Bon Jovi, but which track?

-The something Glory?

-Blades!

0:16:520:16:57

Yeah, Blades of Glory by Jon Bon Jovi.

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Jon Bon Jovi says his ideal partner would wear blue jeans,

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cowboy boots and have voluptuous breasts.

0:17:090:17:12

In other words, Simon Cowell.

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We also heard The Who with Pinball Wizard.

0:17:160:17:19

Pete Townsend says that he's now almost completely stone deaf

0:17:190:17:22

which is a shame - not only might it end his musical career,

0:17:220:17:25

he also won't hear his wife coming up the stairs when he's using the internet.

0:17:250:17:29

Right, it's time for the Mystery Line-Up round

0:17:310:17:33

and I've got a little jingle for you in the popular

0:17:330:17:36

Cajun pop-country style that's rapidly overtaking dubstep I think you'll find.

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A song about the vicissitudes of fame there.

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Noel, Dynamo and Beverley,

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how about some early British jazz-funk for you.

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For the audience only, here is Light of the World.

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# Freedom came my way one day

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# And I started out of town

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# They say they wanna bring me in guilty

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# For the killing of the deputy

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# So I shot, I shot him down

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# But I say, hey! #

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That was Light of the World with I Shot the Sheriff, but,

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which one of our line-up is singer and lead guitarist Nat Augustin?

0:18:420:18:47

Is it, number one, I shot the sheriff?

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Number two, I shot JR?

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Number three, I shot my own porn film?

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Number four, I shot my wife and kids?

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Or number five, I shat my pants?

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Noel's team.

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I think number two, cos he's holding like a firm gaze.

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-That's what I thought.

-Come on, Merlin, you can do better than that.

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Easily number three, look at his stance. He doesn't give a shit.

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-It could be number one.

-Oh, thanks, it could be number one!

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Say something funny and try and break him.

0:19:290:19:33

It's not as easy as that.

0:19:330:19:34

-Number 1's got the eyes, though, hasn't he?

-Yeah.

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He's got the eyes of a haunted...

0:19:380:19:40

old Russian lady.

0:19:400:19:42

What?!

0:19:430:19:45

I'm like Columbo - it looks like I don't know what I'm doing,

0:19:470:19:50

but it's all going on up here.

0:19:500:19:52

-Number 1.

-What do you think? Number 1?

0:19:520:19:55

-I think number 1.

-I'll follow you.

-Going for number 1?

0:19:550:19:57

-Yeah, number 1.

-Let's find out.

-They said it.

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Would the real Nat Augustin please step forward?

0:20:000:20:03

There he is, number 2.

0:20:050:20:07

-You see?!

-APPLAUSE

0:20:070:20:09

Now gigging as a solo artist,

0:20:110:20:13

and with a new album from Light Of The World out soon,

0:20:130:20:16

Nat Augustin, ladies and gentlemen!

0:20:160:20:17

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:20:170:20:21

Phill, Reggie and Margaret, would you like a slice of '90s UK garage?

0:20:220:20:29

-You betcha!

-Yeah!

0:20:290:20:30

OK. For the audience only, here are Artful Dodger.

0:20:300:20:34

# Ooh, you're moving too fast and I don't think it's right

0:20:340:20:38

# I'm not giving you my love tonight

0:20:380:20:42

# Now, ooh, you're moving too fast

0:20:420:20:44

# Better sit back, relax

0:20:440:20:46

# I'm not giving up no love tonight... #

0:20:460:20:49

That was Artful Dodger with Movin' Too Fast,

0:20:490:20:52

but which of our line-up is vocalist Romina Johnson?

0:20:520:20:56

Is it number 1...

0:20:560:20:57

Movin' Too Fast?

0:20:570:20:59

Number 2...

0:20:590:21:00

Movin' To France?

0:21:000:21:02

Number 3...

0:21:020:21:04

Movin' Back In With Her Parents?

0:21:040:21:06

Number 4...

0:21:070:21:08

Movin' Me To Tears?

0:21:080:21:11

Or number 5...

0:21:110:21:13

Movin' Performance In Holby City Last Week. Well Done.

0:21:130:21:16

Phill's team.

0:21:190:21:20

Um, Reggie.

0:21:200:21:21

It's not 4. She's too young. Definitely not 4.

0:21:210:21:24

Um, 3 looks really angry, so it might be her.

0:21:240:21:27

She's got that, "What you talkin' about that bitch for?" in her eyes.

0:21:270:21:32

-2 looks crossest, I think.

-She does.

-And just for 2...

0:21:320:21:35

..do the mouse.

0:21:360:21:37

-AS RASTAMOUSE:

-Never Mind De Buzzcocks.

0:21:390:21:41

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:21:410:21:46

-I'm getting a 1 vibe.

-I'm getting a 1 vibe.

0:21:470:21:50

OK. We think it's 1.

0:21:500:21:51

-WHISPERS:

-I don't!

0:21:510:21:52

Would the real Romina Johnson please step forward?

0:21:520:21:55

Oh!

0:21:550:21:57

Yes, it is.

0:21:570:21:58

With her album, Soul River, out now,

0:21:580:22:02

Romina Johnson, ladies and gentlemen!

0:22:020:22:04

Thank you very much.

0:22:040:22:06

So, we end with a round based on my pet subject, YouTube comments.

0:22:090:22:14

This is a kind of missing words round based on real YouTube comments

0:22:140:22:18

that we have found.

0:22:180:22:20

Phill's team,

0:22:200:22:21

this appeared underneath the video for Baby by Justin Bieber.

0:22:210:22:25

A beautiful lesbian.

0:22:270:22:29

-NOEL:

-Fish finger with hair?

0:22:300:22:31

Here is what it actually said.

0:22:340:22:35

What?!

0:22:390:22:41

He's a crack attic.

0:22:410:22:42

Here's a comment that was left under one of your videos, Margaret.

0:22:420:22:46

Big wood.

0:22:490:22:50

That is not bad.

0:22:500:22:51

-Very good, Reggie, you're getting into the swing of things.

-Ahh, nice!

0:22:540:22:58

Thanks!

0:22:580:23:00

Margaret, this was another comment left under one of your videos.

0:23:000:23:04

I've got it!

0:23:070:23:09

"Whoever dislikes this video is an intricate charcoal drawing of a..."

0:23:090:23:13

Er, let's reveal the answer.

0:23:140:23:17

It's one of the worst kind of faces there is!

0:23:230:23:26

Reggie, this is a comment that appeared under

0:23:270:23:30

a video of you at work.

0:23:300:23:31

A meanny bo beeny stupid face?

0:23:360:23:39

Let's reveal it.

0:23:390:23:41

APPLAUSE

0:23:470:23:51

Noel's team, this comment was left underneath

0:23:530:23:56

a Britney Spears video, Gimme More.

0:23:560:23:58

Errugh!

0:24:000:24:02

That's the emoticon at the end, there.

0:24:020:24:04

Gellyhair.

0:24:070:24:09

Gellyhair45, the 45th of the Gellyhair Clan!

0:24:090:24:12

"My discarded pubes"?

0:24:140:24:16

Oh, that's not too far from the truth.

0:24:160:24:18

Let's reveal it.

0:24:180:24:20

I like that Gellyhair said, "I'm going to call myself Gellyhair1.

0:24:240:24:28

"Oh, taken.

0:24:280:24:29

"Gellyhair2? Oh... This is getting..."

0:24:290:24:31

GELLYHAIR27! SWEET CHRIST!

0:24:310:24:33

Here is a comment that was left underneath a video of you,

0:24:350:24:39

Dynamo, performing. And this was left by Gerybaboona.

0:24:390:24:43

He says...

0:24:440:24:45

Wizard?

0:24:480:24:50

A new Paul Daniels?

0:24:510:24:53

Genius.

0:24:550:24:56

"Sutin"?!

0:25:000:25:02

APPLAUSE

0:25:020:25:05

"Oh, look at the skills on this guy. He's a alien or sutin!"

0:25:050:25:10

"That's Gerybaboona!

0:25:120:25:14

"He always can spot a alien or sutin."

0:25:140:25:17

I think Gerybaboona could've done justice

0:25:190:25:21

to those Pete Townshend jokes.

0:25:210:25:24

"He what? He can't hear 'is wife coming up

0:25:240:25:26

on the internet, what or sutin?!"

0:25:260:25:29

Here's another comment that was left underneath your video, Dynamo.

0:25:350:25:39

Well, that's... That's Gerybaboona again!

0:25:490:25:53

"You are the only peopl on planet made from...sutin."

0:25:550:26:00

Let's have a look.

0:26:010:26:03

APPLAUSE

0:26:110:26:12

People actually write that stuff?!

0:26:170:26:20

Come on, these are the intelligent ones.

0:26:200:26:23

Here's a comment that appeared underneath

0:26:230:26:25

the video for Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda by Beverley Knight.

0:26:250:26:29

And it was left by Makenna1, who says, simply...

0:26:290:26:32

what?

0:26:320:26:34

"Sutin!"

0:26:350:26:37

-It is...

-"Shit sperm."

0:26:390:26:41

APPLAUSE

0:26:440:26:47

-Please don't let him near me!

-You're traumatising her!

0:26:470:26:50

Oh, my God!

0:26:540:26:57

He'll be in the front row of your next concert, I imagine.

0:26:570:27:00

-Oh, my God.

-"HI!

0:27:000:27:02

"It's me or sutin."

0:27:020:27:04

Now, the scores at the end of that round are five-all,

0:27:060:27:09

so it's a draw, teams. OK?

0:27:090:27:13

APPLAUSE

0:27:130:27:15

That means it's a tie-break situation,

0:27:150:27:17

so I'm going to show you a home-made clip.

0:27:170:27:19

Count how many Mobies there are in this clip.

0:27:190:27:23

Go!

0:27:230:27:24

# Moby, Moby, Moby

0:27:240:27:27

# Moby, Michael Stipe

0:27:270:27:28

# Moby-moby

0:27:280:27:30

# Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

0:27:300:27:33

# Michael Stipe, Michael Stipe

0:27:330:27:34

# Moby-Moby, Michael Stipe

0:27:340:27:36

# Moby-Moby, Moby, Michael Chiklis

0:27:360:27:39

# Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis

0:27:390:27:42

# Michael Chiklis, Moby-Moby

0:27:420:27:43

# Michael Stipe, Michael Chiklis

0:27:430:27:45

# Heston Blumenthal! #

0:27:450:27:46

APPLAUSE

0:27:480:27:51

Might have been thrown by Blumenthal at the end, there,

0:27:550:27:58

but how many Mobies did you count?

0:27:580:28:01

Phill.

0:28:010:28:02

12.

0:28:020:28:04

You're going for 12.

0:28:040:28:05

Noel's team?

0:28:050:28:06

-14.

-14.

0:28:060:28:08

The correct answer was 15, so, Noel, you were closest there with 14,

0:28:080:28:13

which means that you are tonight's winners!

0:28:130:28:15

Noel's team, ladies and gentlemen!

0:28:150:28:17

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:28:170:28:20

Thank you to Noel, Beverley and Dynamo.

0:28:200:28:24

Thank you very much to Phill, Reggie and Margaret.

0:28:240:28:28

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

0:28:280:28:30

I've been Adam Buxton. Goodnight!

0:28:300:28:31

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:28:310:28:34

# One, two, three, four

0:28:340:28:35

# It's the end of the show

0:28:350:28:37

# It's the end of the show

0:28:370:28:39

# This is the final jingle for the end of the show

0:28:390:28:42

# Brought my Reg and Margaret

0:28:420:28:44

# Brought my Phill and Noel

0:28:440:28:45

# That way I keep Beverley and that kid, Dynamo

0:28:450:28:48

# I wanted this to go as the star of the show

0:28:480:28:51

# So I asked the producer but producer said no

0:28:510:28:55

# Your sessions are a shame

0:28:550:28:56

# But the jingles can go

0:28:560:28:57

# And I think we both know it's at the end of the show. #

0:28:570:29:01

Or sutin.

0:29:010:29:02

Cheerio! Thanks for having me!

0:29:040:29:06

Bye!

0:29:060:29:07

Ohh!

0:29:080:29:10

Oh!

0:29:100:29:11

It's a nice box.

0:29:130:29:14

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:140:29:17

Email [email protected]

0:29:170:29:20

# Think I'd better leave right now... #

0:29:220:29:25

Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus and guest host Adam Buxton are joined by Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates, American stand-up Margaret Cho, magician Dynamo, and soul singer Beverley Knight.


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