Episode 5 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Are you talking to me? I'm talking to you.

I'm a lion. No, I'm a tiger.

I'm a liger.

You ready for me, Buzzcocks? Are you ready for Will Young?

RARRRR! Come on!

Maybe we should come back in ten minutes?

-You're naughty!

-WILL GIGGLES

Oh! Who's the daddy?

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the show.

On Phill's team tonight,

she's a permanent fixture on The X Factor,

just like Louis Walsh's bewildered look,

it's '80s pop star and keeper of Simon Cowell's secrets,

-Sinitta!

-APPLAUSE

He's a comedian who once performed a 36-hour-straight gig,

so he's well prepared for tonight's show recording,

it's Mark Watson.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight,

he's a successful DJ and record producer,

and he's doing incredibly well, considering he's only two and half.

It's Toddla T.

APPLAUSE

# To you and me, baby

# Sweet memories, baby... #

He's a comedian famed for his kooky and outlandish dress sense

and his surreal comic outlook.

We thought we'd get a spare in case Noel breaks. It's Paul Foot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before we get started, I think we should all know

a little more about me. As well as being a pop star,

I'm also an amateur ornithologist and twitcher, which is true.

Basically, I love birds and I love to draw birds,

so I brought one to show you.

This is one of my drawings.

Wow, is that an emu?

No, it's actually a helmeted guinea fowl,

-which are indigenous to Africa.

-Is this really happening?

Has this been discussed beforehand?

No, I just thought I'd bring them along.

Damn it, I had a shit-hot picture of an ostrich and I haven't brought it.

Since I'm sharing, would any of you like to share

anything that perhaps the audience don't know? Sinitta?

-Interesting hobbies?

-Yeah.

I practise Tweeting with my left hand, so I don't get funny...

I do the same thing, but with something different.

I love drawing, so we start with a round called Pop Goes The Easel.

Our team captains will pick a story about a music star

and they have to relay that story to their teams

through the medium of drawing.

Noel's team, you're up first, so, Noel, come and pick up an envelope.

-I have three for you to choose from.

-Thanks.

You've chosen number two.

Have a look and take your place by the blackboard.

For the audience at home, here is that story.

If you don't want to know, look away now.

Well, that's easy(!)

Look at me, I'm like the weirdest Rolf Harris you've ever seen.

Good view of that jumper.

All right! Look at your tie, it doubles up as a cheese board.

Any idea who that is?

-He's sitting at some...

-Drums?

-Yeah!

I can give you a clue -

he appeared in a famous video with Pamela Anderson.

-Tommy Lee.

-Yes! OK. Well, that's the easy bit.

Just say what you see.

-Is that a feather?

-Yeah.

-A feather and a book.

In a vacuum, they would both fall at the same speed.

He did an experiment to show that, without air resistance,

everything falls with the same gravitational acceleration.

What did he write?

The Bible?

-He wrote a...

-A letter?

-Yeah, see, it's not that difficult!

You went to Oxford, what are you playing at?!

I didn't study all this stuff, did I?

In Paul's defence, Noel, they are allowed to use words

when they do lectures at Oxford, rather than just drawing.

OK. Right, so he wrote a letter to...

To the sea. He wrote a letter to the ocean saying, "Dear Ocean,

"please stop getting bigger and bigger and swallowing up

"those Pacific islands.

"You cover two thirds of the world, that's enough."

-You're very close. He wrote a letter to...

-Sea World?

-He wrote to Sea World.

-And what did he write about?

He wrote about the fact that they keep dolphins and don't look after them properly.

-Something bigger than a dolphin.

-Whale?

-What kind of whale?

Blue whale.

It's a...whale.

-Killer whale.

-Yes!

Why has he got a big penis? It wasn't how it kills people, is it?

I never knew that. You learn something all the time!

Tommy Lee wrote a letter to Sea World

about a killer whale and what?

-Oh, that's a pool.

-That's a cow's vagina.

-What, it's got two holes?

-It went wrong.

That's the first time I've ever seen anyone on a TV show

go wrong trying to draw a cow's vagina.

Is it ejaculating or having a wee?

-It's coming.

-Yeah!

Into...a vagina?

Yes, that's it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The worrying thing is, you were kind of right.

Earlier this year, Tommy Lee wrote an angry letter to Sea World,

complaining about the way

they artificially inseminate killer whales.

He claimed they obtained sperm by forcibly masturbating males

using a cow's vagina.

Pretty easy to draw that, isn't it?!

In 2011, Tommy Lee revealed

he knew he could never keep up with Ozzy Osbourne's crazy antics

when he caught the wild man of rock smearing his own excrement

on the walls of his hotel room. If you think that's bad,

you should try sharing a dressing room with Dame Judy Dench.

I thought that was very good.

I couldn't even have explained that in words.

You could have brought Tommy Lee in here and a cow's vagina

and I still would have had trouble explaining that concept.

How did he know? Maybe he plots them on a chart - like, position of killer whales

and positions of cow's vagina and sees when they go near each other.

He's got an alarm when they get too close. "WHAA! WHAA!"

And he writes a letter. I've read his book, I mean,

how did he write a letter?!

Phill's team, you're up next. Please come and pick an envelope.

-Oh.

-That one, that one, that one.

Phill's chosen story number three, so please take to the floor,

and for the audience, here is the story.

If you don't want to know, look away now.

Remember, it's the person that the story relates to first,

and then the story.

-Who has a ponytail like that?

-Iggy Pop?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it Iggy Pop?

-No.

Good, so we know it's not Iggy Pop.

There's a particular hairstyle.

-Oh, it's the bloke from Status Quo.

-Ah!

-Quite a girly name, I'd say.

Amanda.

I've just received a bit of help from Noel. It's Francis.

Francis Rossi of Status Quo.

-What do you think is happening?

-Kissed a baby monkey?

OK. We're building the elements, so we've got...

-Francis Rossi of Status Quo kissed...

-A baby...

You know that he's kissed a baby and perhaps something has happened.

Normally you kiss someone and a baby is what happens afterwards.

-Embryos.

-They do look like embryos, or rice puddings.

-Eggs.

That is one of those things where you hit it

and it tells you how strong you are.

Kissed a baby and had to have a sperm test

because someone said she was pregnant.

Yeah, is it paternity?

-Are they germs?

-Ah!

-Yeah! Germs, germs.

Germs! I'm going to keep shouting "Germs" till we get points.

-Kissed a baby...

-With germs!

-Yeah, and so...?

-He got sick.

Yes, that's it.

APPLAUSE

Goodness. Visibly exhausted by standing up for that long!

This is another true story.

In 2004, Status Quo had to cancel a show in Plymouth

after Francis Rossi - is the name -

picked up a virus, kissing a baby at a signing.

The band were really upset because they love playing in Plymouth.

Over there, they're only 20 years out of date.

That was a little bit easier than Tommy Lee's Sea World

cow-vagina odyssey that I had to draw!

And at the end of that round,

Noel's team has two and Phill's team has two.

APPLAUSE

Next up, it's the Intros Round, and to mark it,

-here is another drawing of a bird that I did.

-He seems so delighted.

-Oh, what is that?

-It's a white stork.

-Why did you give it horns?

I actually started off drawing an antelope,

and then I added on the stork.

Once you'd given it beak, you felt there was no way back.

I can give you an interesting fact about storks as well.

They shit on their legs to keep themselves cool.

It's not really cool though, is it? Not in that way.

If anything, it can raise your overall temperature,

because you feel a bit flustered when you've shat on your legs.

Noel and Paul, here are yours for Toddla T,

and remember, it's the title of the song that we're after.

Oh, dear!

Just thinking about Paul.

The last thing he listened to was Ella Fitzgerald.

Who did you say your favourite is?

Bach.

Bach, and Sibelius is my second favourite.

-I don't know any of these ones.

-Good luck!

Go on, go.

# Chp, tsch, chp, tsch

# Tsh, tsh, t-tsh, t-tsh, t-tsh, t-tsh

# T-tsh, t-tsh... #

I've lost my rhythm now!

Oh, no, I've got it.

# Ta-tsh, ta-tsh, ta-WAH

# Chp, tsh, chp, tsh

# Chp, chp, chp, HAH

# Be-dedum, bede-dedum, dede-dada

# Bada-baba, baba-dadadam

# Hoo-pow, doo-dow

# Babada, mm-badada, baba-dadada

# Hoo-cha

# Baba-da, dada-dada

# Ch-cha, ch-cha... #

It's a bit boring, isn't it, the drum?

-It's just repetitive. I thought I'd add a bit to it.

-Jazz it up.

# Ch-cha, ch-cha... #

It didn't make it much easier!

Is it an R'N'B song? Apart from him, obviously.

-No idea.

-No ideas? Shall I throw it over to Phill's team?

It's more based on Noel's input than Paul's,

but I think it sounded a bit like Raspberry Beret.

-Correct.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

It was partly because of the way Noel did it,

and it's famous for having a different rhythm

each time you hear it.

It's a very adaptable tune, I think. So many rhythms go with it.

-You were correct. Shall we hear how it actually goes?

-Yes.

MUSIC: "Raspberry Beret" by Prince

# Ch, ch... #

It's this bit.

# HAH

# HAH

# HAH! #

# I was workin' part time in a five-and-dime... #

You can see what I was trying to do.

It was the hand bit!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That was Prince with Raspberry Beret.

In 2010, Prince wrote a song called Purple And Gold,

inspired by a football game between Minnesota and Dallas.

I can understand that -

I once went to see Middlesbrough versus Bolton

and wrote Leave Right Now.

Moving swiftly on, next one, please.

Right, in this one,

try to look a little less like you're operating an imaginary train!

You get a bit closer to him.

I think he's really getting a lot out of what you're doing!

# Dz-ddz-dzdz-dz-dz-zah! #

-That's in the song - it's in it!

-That's the intro?

-Then you've got to do your bit.

-Right.

You can't just leave me like this. You're not supposed to leave me exposed, you know?

Can you wink so I know when to come in?

I'll do this. When the silence gets a bit awkward, you start.

I'm worried this band could split up.

This feels wrong, doing it like this. It feels like I'm...

Not like a lap-dancer, like I'm a sort of lap...drummer.

"Would you like a little...drum?"

# Dzoo-dzoo-dzoo-RAH! #

You're not supposed to laugh.

You're supposed to be sexually excited by that.

# Dsh-dsh-dsh, oo-rah

# Dv-dv-dv-dv-dv-dv, nndv

# Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

# Lala doo doo doo doo

# Lala doo doo doo doo

# A-doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

# Doodloodloo, tsch! #

It's at the end. And then into the... main verse, I suppose.

-That is JUST the intro to the song. What a song!

-What a song.

I mean, most people would be happy with that as the whole song.

Do you want to hazard a guess?

Tinie Tempah, Pass Out.

That's it. You got it.

APPLAUSE

Very well done.

Let's hear how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Pass Out" by Tinie Tempah

Where's your bit?!

# Doo doo doo doo doo

# Doo doo doo... #

# Doo doo... #

-You forgot that bit, didn't you?

-Which bit?

Oh, I forgot that bit.

# Yeah, yeah, we bring the stars out... #

What was that?

So, that was Tinie Tempah with Pass Out.

Tinie Tempah claims he once had sex in a cinema.

Stupid, really, cos he missed the bit where Schindler makes his list.

-I had sex in a Grundon bin once.

-What?

A what?

Grundon... You know, those large wheelie bins.

Now you're talking, Will!

Why have you kept this from us?

Those bloody pictures of birds - we could've started with this!

Did you bring the top down for a private moment?

"Let's get serious..."

Phill and Sinitta, here are yours for Mark.

And remember, it's the title of the song we're after. Thank you.

Beautiful Sinitta.

# Eeeeeeeee

# Eeur-ur

# Ee-dur

# Sssss

-# Babadamananamanow

-Dur-deh

-# Dabadamananamanow

-Dur-neh

-# Dabadamananamanow

-Wow-weh

-# Dabadamananamanow

-Mow-meh

Is it The Killers' song Dabadamananamanow?

-Is that your guess?

-No.

-She wears quite slinky outfits.

-Yes.

Does she? Oh, it's a sexy song.

-Mmm.

-You should have said! So the sort of thing you might listen to

while getting with someone in a bin?

When you were in the bin, Will, did you decorate the bin with,

like, paintings of birds with the horns?

I had sex in a bottle bank once, cos I care about the planet.

Not about your local community, though. That ruined my evening.

Well, nearly every song these days is by Rihanna. Is it Rihanna?

It's a good guess, but it's not the right guess.

-So, Noel's team...?

-Is it Sibelius's Third Symphony?

-It is actually Nicole...

-Whoa, whoa!

-Sorry.

-MARK:

-..Scherzinger!

Don't throw it over and give it to the spaniel!

He's not going to know, is he?

Might as well ask that envelope!

-I've got a strong feeling it might be Nicole Scherzinger now.

-Oh.

Based on the fact that you said "Nicole".

You are right. And what's the song?

Is it Let's Have Loads Of Sex by Scherzinger?

-The song's called Poison.

-Ah!

We should perhaps hear how it goes.

MUSIC: "Poison" by Nicole Scherzinger

That was Nicole Scherzinger with Poison.

During Nicole's debut as a judge on the US X Factor,

a man exposed himself to the judging panel.

Simon Cowell acted swiftly

and put him straight through to the judges' houses.

Next one, please.

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Da-nana, da-nana-nana

# Da-dana, da-naNA, da-nana-nana

# Der-nerner

# Der-nerner, der-nerner

# Ner, NERR, ner... #

Ooh, that was an E-flat there. Ooh!

-How about a guess?

-It sounded a lot like Bohemian Rhapsody to me.

I'm afraid that is incorrect. Noel's team.

Well, it sounded like a gavotte of some sort.

# Da-dada, da-nana-nana...

-ALL:

-# Der-nerner, dada-nerner-nerner

# Bom, bom, bom, bom

# Der-nerner, der-nerner, nerr

-# Doodloodloodloodl

-Oi! #

-Played at a lot at weddings.

-The organ!

I'm going to Leave Right Now!

-"The organ"?!

-You play it at weddings!

Was it The Organ?

You are correct. It was indeed The Organ.

-No, it wasn't The Organ!

-It wasn't The Organ!

It was actually Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline.

Shall we have a listen?

-MUSIC: "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond

-Oh, it is an organ!

Ah.

Yeah.

It's most definitely pop.

Is it pop?

# Where it began

# I can't begin... #

They did it well, but you don't normally hear the start,

just the sing-along bit and someone vomits on your shoes.

-# Sweet Caroline... #

-Yeah.

-# Da-da, ohh... #

-Exactly!

-# Good times... #

-So when you said

it plays at weddings, you mean later, not in the church?

No, sorry.

Oh.

I see.

At the end of that round,

Noel's team has three and Phill's team have three.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Phew! I'm getting hot under the collar

and that's because it's Round Three,

my favourite round, which is the Identity Parade.

And this week, in honour of it being ten years

since I won Pop Idol, it's a talent-show special.

And Noel, Toddla T and Paul,

how about some Popstars The Rivals auditionees?

For the audience only, here are the Cheeky Girls.

# We are the Cheeky Girls

# We are the Cheeky Girls

# You are the Cheeky Boys

# You are the Cheeky Boys

# We are the Cheeky Girls

# We are the Cheeky Girls

# You are the Cheeky Boys

# You are the Cheeky Boys... #

Cheeky, cheeky!

That was the Cheeky Girls with Touch My Bum,

but which of our line-up is Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia?

Is it number one, Cheeky Girl?

Number two, Cheeky Chappie?

Number three, Cheeky Cow?

Number four, Cheeky One After The Show?

Or number five, Chico Time?

Have a guess.

Did the Cheeky Girls disappear and then come back as Jedward?

-Just different hairstyles!

-Yeah.

When you did your jokes, number three sort of laughed in the way

that showed she was maybe not used to having jokes made.

-I don't think she's in show business.

-Number three's got a cheeky stance.

Number three is like an accountant. When she heard the joke, "Oh, I've heard a joke.

"I'm not used to it - normally,

"I'm sitting there with my admin, sorting out the VAT.

"Oh, I heard a joke, a bit of a laugh, you know, in the studio.

"A bit of fun, you know?"

-Did one of them go out with a politician?

-Lembit Opik.

-He bought me two gin and tonics once.

Not in a gay way, just, you know...

What, and you woke up in a bin?

How do you buy someone a gin and tonic in a gay way?

EFFEMINATE TONE: Oh, excuse me...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

"That's £2.50." Ooh, there you are!

Sounds like something out of Are You Being Served!

How did Lembit Opik buy you a gin and tonic?

AGGRESSIVE TONE: Oi, mate!

Gin and tonic for this bloke, right? There you are.

There you have it, mate. Drink it up or I'll smash the glass in your face.

I'm off to have sex with a woman!

-GEEKILY:

-"Oh, do you want a gin and tonic?"

MUFFLED: "Oh, do you want a gin and tonic?"

That's how a ventriloquist dummy would do it.

MUFFLED: "Oh, do you want a gin and tonic?"

"Oh, yes, please, I'd love a gin and tonic!"

We could actually do an act where you are my ventriloquist dummy.

Come on. Sit here.

OK.

-You've got to speak, you fucking idiot.

-Oh!

I thought you were a genuine ventriloquist... Oh, I see.

-Where do you think my hand is?!

-So what you're saying is I just speak...

-Yeah!

-..and you just sit there.

That's the benefit of having a real person instead of a puppet!

-I see what you mean - that's the advantage.

-Right, after three.

MUFFLED: I don't think it's number five, cos she doesn't seem very interested in the proceedings.

She was just looking away into the distance,

thinking about her former lover from many years ago

who betrayed her in the Seychelles.

Well, not really in the Seychelles.

They were supposed to go to the Seychelles,

but he abandoned her at Gatwick Airport.

You've got such a bony arse, it's unbelievable!

Get off, cos your arse is boring a hole through my kneecap.

Back to the matter at hand.

Which one of the five is one of The Cheeky Girls?

Number four is quite tall for show business.

-I think it's number three.

-You're going with number three?

-Yes.

-Final answer?

-Yeah.

-OK, let's find out.

Would the real Gabriela please step forward?

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Still being a cheeky girl, Gabriela Irimia, ladies and gentlemen.

Phill, Sinitta and Mark,

what about some soul from an X Factor runner-up?

For the audience only, here is Andy Abraham.

# Please, please, you've got to make it clear

-# Show me what's been going on

-What's been going on

# So get out of this place

# And let's stand face to face

# Need your love now

# I can't bear to lose it all

# So hang up

# Baby, get over here

# Tell me what's been going on... #

That was Andy Abraham with Hang Up,

but which of our line-up is Andy Abraham?

Is it number one, Hang Up?

Number two, Hang In There?

Number three, Hang About, Weren't You In X Factor?

Number four, Hanging With The Wrong Crowd?

Or number five, Hang The Agent For Getting Me This Gig?

-Phill's team.

-He was on the X Factor?

You're the go-to girl for this, surely?

-You must know who Andy is.

-Mmm-hmm.

There's no point in me and him guessing - we've no idea.

Actually, the trouble is, I remember him from the X Factor.

-Do you really?

-Yeah.

-Is it only me who doesn't know?

Yeah, you've got to guess.

Would it help if I got on your lap like he did?

-Both get on my lap.

-OK.

That just looks like you're going to ask them what they want for Christmas.

-I hope so!

-Mark, have you been a good little boy?

-This is weirdly sexual.

I didn't expect this when I started this.

The way he rubbed me and said, "Have you been good?"

It's very difficult, actually, this.

Oh, I've got something in my sack for you.

-Quite nice, this, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Cosy.

It's a bonus whether we get this - we're getting to know each other.

-We're going to get it.

-I'm going to push you for an answer.

Push me all you want, bin boy, you're a dirty little thing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Do you have an idea who it might be?

-I think it's number two.

-Would I be correct?

-You're in the right ballpark, you're within five.

Andy, number three, how are you?

That does spoil the suspense a little bit, I think!

-And that, Sinitta, is why you were never on Morse!

-Oh.

-Your guess as a team is number three?

-Number three.

That's based on the fact

Sinitta knows Andy Abraham personally, and it's him.

It's all very well you saying it is Andy,

but I think number two. I like him!

Number two, tell me about yourself, big fella!

Number two, would you like to come back to my bin?

Will the real Andy Abraham please step forward?

SINITTA MIMICS DRUM ROLL

-Oh, here we go.

-I know this man. Hello.

Number two, give me some love. Number two, don't leave me hanging!

Number two, come on. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My boy! My boy!

Four! Come on, four!

With a new album out next year, Andy Abraham, ladies and gentlemen.

And at the end of that round, Noel's team has four

and Phill's team has four.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Keeping with today's bird theme...

You forgot about that, didn't you, with all the talk about Grundons?

-We end up with a round called Birdsong.

-Oh.

It's a draw, so Phill's team will go first, and your time...

starts now. Complete the song title - Beatles, Free As A?

-ALL: Bird.

-Correct.

True or false - a stork will often cool itself by shitting on its own legs?

-We believe it's true.

-It's true!

Name the pop star disguised as a bird in the picture.

-Good lord. That's Geri Halliwell.

-Correct. And for a bonus point, can you name the bird?

-Is it a kestrel?

-It's not, it's a willow ptarmigan.

-Damn it!

-And the Latin for that is Lagopus lagopus.

-Of course it is.

Name the pop star disguised as a bird.

How many pop stars

- disguise themselves as birds?! - How weird.

-Quick!

-Lady Gaga.

-Yes, and for a bonus point, can you name the bird?

-It is a heron.

-It is a heron!

-Yes!

-Complete the song title - Seal, Fly Like A?

-ALL: Bird!

-Eagle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need six points to win. Your time starts now.

Complete the song title - Nelly Furtado, I'm Like A?

-Bird.

-Correct.

Name the pop star disguised as a bird in the picture.

-Madonna.

-Yes! And for a bonus point, can you name the bird?

-Yeah, is it a yellow tit?

-It's a blue tit.

-Oh, fuck off!

It's got a yellow chest!

True or false - California condors can fly ten miles

without flapping their wings.

-False.

-True.

-Which one?

-Overrule, it's true.

-It is true!

Name the half-human, half-bird pop act - something Eyed Cherry.

Eagle.

Yes, correct.

APPLAUSE

Final scores!

So, the final scores - Noel's team have eight

and Phill's team have nine.

So Phill's team are tonight's winners.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Thanks to Phill, Sinitta, Mark, Noel, Paul and Toddla T.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

You will find me in the nearest Grundon bin. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Isn't Sinitta beautiful? I wish I could be Sinitta."

# So macho

# He's got to be so macho

# He's got to be big and strong

# Enough to turn me on

# He's got to have

# Big blue eyes

# Be able to satisfy

# He's got to be big and strong

# Enough to turn me on

# I'm tired of taking the lead

# I want a man who will dominate me... #

-That was a good show.

-Yeah, not bad. I quite enjoyed that.

-Yes.

# Take care of my every need... #

Is that Will Young dressed as Sinitta?

Yeah, I think it is.

Hmm.

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