Episode 6 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

'It's Jupitus. Listen, I can't make it, mate.

'I'm at the Gaddafi funeral.

'Apparently they've got a really, really good comedian hosting.

'Apparently he's a comedy giant.'

BOOMING FOOTSTEPS

LOCK JANGLES, DOOR CREAKS

Hello, Noel. I'm here for Buzzcocks.

All right, Greg?

-Shall we get on with it?

-Never realised you were so tall.

LAUGHTER

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Greg Davies.

And I don't want to gloat, but in a recent poll

of which Inbetweeners characters

you'd most like to see hosting this show,

number seven!

The lovely Phill Jupitus can't be here tonight, so in his place,

we've booked children's author and family favourite, Frankie Boyle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, on Frankie's team tonight...

She made her name by dressing up vaginas like Christmas trees.

In her honour, I have two large baubles hanging beneath my penis.

Just this morning I made it snow all over the place. It's Amy Childs.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I had a way of remembering our next guest. Now, what was it? Ah, yes.

A, B, C,

D, E, F, G, H...

-I... It's Ian from Steps!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

He's won multiple awards, he's the prince of grime,

he's got his own clothing line

and as an added bonus,

he still gets a sticker when he goes to the dentist!

-It's little Tinchy Stryder!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next guest is the answer to the tedious

and sexist suggestion that women aren't funny.

She's a brilliant comedian.

Except, of course, when she's irrationally grumpy

because she's a woman. It's Holly Walsh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Sorry, No Refunds.

Frankie's team, take a look at this.

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

Despite his popularity, some people describe him

as a revolting saccharine monstrosity.

I am one of those people. It's Justin Bieber.

# Thought you'd always be mine... #

That was Justin Bieber with Baby.

But which of these objects ruined one of his gigs in Berlin earlier this year?

Was it a birthday cake, bagpipes, or a little snugly blanket?

The only thing that could ruin a Justin Bieber gig would be a gun jamming in the darkness.

A weirdly sort of sexless, genderless...

Not totally. Obviously if he was in prison

he'd get thrown around like a dog toy.

-I would do him in a pinch, do you know what I mean?

-I love Justin Bieber!

Not necessarily a bad thing to imagine Frankie having sex with him?

-No, that's disgusting.

-Well, you are in for a long show!

I can't say anything bad about him.

-Really? Try - it's pretty easy.

-No, no.

-Weren't you in Celebrity Big Brother?

-I was.

And Jedward vajazzled you?

-Yeah.

-What did they do? Did they pebble-dash it?

Hang on a minute - you what? Vajazzled them?

A vajazzle is when you put diamonds on your lady parts,

-pajazzle is when you put diamonds on your men bits.

-Isn't that dangerous?

Don't you worry that a magpie will steal your clitoris?

I saw it happen on Autumnwatch.

Have you ever done a pajazzle?

- No, I haven't. - There's always a first.

I've got a Pritt Stick, so let's make this happen!

-Slam those babies up on the desk.

-I haven't got no babies, you know.

People of extreme heights have got to stick together.

When I went to Thorpe Park, they wouldn't let me on the rides either.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you ever seen a porn version, where a vajazzle and a pajazzle meet?

-No, honey, I haven't.

-It'd be like Aliens Vs Predator.

Does it have to be jewels, or can you put hundreds and thousands...?

If I dipped my testicles in glue

and then dragged them along the floor of a barber's,

would that be a pajazzle?

You've stolen that from an episode of Art Attack, haven't you?

The reason they got you into it is the way you say it.

They thought it's quite funny every time you say it.

-Vajazzle. ESSEX ACCENT:

-Vajazzle!

Do I really talk like that?

-No, you talk like this.

-POSH VOICE:

-Vajazzle!

Like Roger Moore. Watch James Bond - that's how you talk!

-AS ROGER MOORE:

-Anyone for a vajazzle?

-Can you try and talk like that?

-ATTEMPTS POSH VOICE: Hello. Are you OK?

-Can I say, I was pupil of the year...

-Well, that's Essex for you.

Elocution lessons, in Year Six, I come top. I got 95%, the way I spoke.

LAUGHTER

"I come top of elocution"?

H, I haven't spoken to you yet, how are you?

Great, talking about fannies, great!

-Are you back on tour with Steps?

-Yeah!

-Do you know what I like about that?

The fact they've managed to get all your diaries together.

I know that Lee was in a job

where he was being used to prop open a door.

Which of the other members of Steps is the one who's doing it most for the money?

Who is most desperate?

Nobody's desperate!

What's brilliant about that is you could have gone, "Nobody's desperate," but you went

"NOBODY'S DESPERATE! We're not desperate, stop saying that!"

It's really nice that we're all friends again, cos we weren't.

-Did you fall out?

-Yeah.

-Who did you fall out with the most?

Well you know, Claire and I went off and did our things.

-So the other three?

-Yeah.

-Who's the one you hate most out of the other three?

I don't hate any of them!

It's Lee Latchford-Evans, ladies and gentlemen.

At the peak of your success, do you know who slagged you off publicly?

-Who?

-Dido.

-Really?

-Dido said she found Steps depressing,

-she thought you were shit.

-Do you know what, she's a two-faced bitch.

-She is a two-faced bitch.

Back to the game, which of the objects do you think were

-ruined...

-We don't know, we don't care.

H, the hope has died in your eyes like a pilot light.

We're going to go with birthday cake

and we can't really think of a cogent reason.

-Yeah I think birthday cake, definitely.

-Unbelievably, that is the correct answer.

Why don't you do a collaboration together?

Steps and Tinchy, could you imagine?

You know what, I don't know, man.

-No-one's going to make you do that.

-Au contraire, Noel.

I would like you, Tinchy, to swear that you're prepared to do a duet with Steps.

Everyone in the audience will think you're really mean-spirited otherwise, won't you?

ALL: Yes!

Oh yeah? What's it going to be, Tinchy/Steps?

No, Steps vs Tinchy Stryder.

I think this is going to make you want to do it. Ian Stryder.

Ian Stryder?

Tinchy, where did Tinchy Stryder come from?

Tinchy, I've always been the smallest one out of all my friends

so Tinchy the nickname.

Some of the researchers got hold of your working book

when you were trying to make up your stage name.

Oh yeah?

They've got the ones you used...

-I remember that book.

-Do you remember it?

-Yeah, when I was even smaller than this.

-That's it, yeah.

So One Pack, that was a good one!

Not Particularly B.I.G, that was a good one.

Busta Nursery Rhymes...

-How tall are you?

-6 foot 8. Don't pick on me about my height.

It's like the two of you are from different dimensions.

I thought you were going to say Different Strokes.

That's really offensive!

Noel, Tincy and Holly, look at this VT.

This year he was crowned the wealthiest man in hip hop

with the a fortune of 500 million.

But is he happy? Of course he's bloody happy!

It's captain hip hop, P Diddy.

# We can't be stopped now cos it's Bad Boy for life. #

That was P Diddy with Bad Boy For Life.

But which of these objects caused P Diddy's gig to go sour in 2009?

Was it a stovepipe hat?

Some bling, or a toy gun?

-Do you want some bling?

-I'm all right, I got some.

You vajazzled your own wrist.

-What's the most expensive piece of jewellery you've got?

-Probably one of my chains, one of my pendants.

I never talk about the price but it's about the same price

-as one of them Range Rovers.

-So about 40 grand?

-You is good at maths, right?

-No I just know how much Range Rovers cost.

Rapper hints about the value of his bling. Rappers don't hint!

I'm not telling you how much my bling costs

but if you had a Range Rover...

A Range Rover was about

the most middle class thing you could have picked!

I've got a Range Rover that's got room in the back for the kids.

Do you know what strikes me about each of those props, is that I think

you're perfectly placed to re-create the death of Abraham Lincoln.

-Do you think this is strong enough to knock this off the desk?

-Well I want to see if it is.

Can we not try and knock it off Tinchy's head then?

LAUGHTER

I don't mind, you can go for me if you want. It's too big!

They've done you up, Tinchy, I've got a massive head

and it's even too big for me.

-Yeah, your head is big.

-All right!

Put it on Greg's head.

Shoot me in the face. No, I don't even want protection,

I want to be shot in the face by that gun.

Do it!

Can I just have this?

Oh!

Oh, no, this game's over. Sit down, take that off.

Tinchy's ruined that for everyone, I'm afraid.

I have now been shot in the face by a rapper, though, that's pretty fucking awesome.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you any idea which one of these might have ruined P. Diddy's gig?

Tinchy's worked with P. Diddy, haven't you?

Yeah, I done a remix with him on a track called 'Hello, Good Morning'.

Hello, good morning.

-Very polite rap track, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

-He's got a bad reputation with handling firearms in public.

-P. Diddy has?

-Yes.

He went to a light club and let one off - I'm talking about a gun.

LAUGHTER

P. Diddy and his butler, called Bentley.

He's got one called Bentley?

How much does he cost, about the price of a Bentley?

Maybe a Bentley and a Range Rover, as well.

You realise this is a type of autism you've got, you realise that?

I reckon 10 goes to a cashpoint and it's "A Fiesta...

..an Espace..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's the bling.

-Yeah, the bling.

You're absolutely right, it was the bling.

APPLAUSE

While throwing money into the crowd, he lost a 20,000 ring

and had the building shut down so each audience member could be frisked.

A number of people claimed to have seen Diddy's ring,

but then, he does wear his trousers very low.

P. Diddy once spent £2,100 on a four-foot cocktail.

I don't know if you've ever seen a four-foot cocktail,

but if you don't know what they look like I've got one down here.

Tinchy, would you like a little?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next up it's the Intros round.

Frankie and H, here are yours for Amy.

Don't make it hard for me.

HE GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

# Bum-bum, bum-wurrulum wurrulum-bum-bum, bum-wurrulum... #

-That's not what we rehearsed!

-That's creepy.

LAUGHTER

That's definitely not it!

I know you've not got a musical background, but...

LAUGHTER

-You should put a few song words in there.

-That's not the point of the game, is it?

# Waow waow

# Bada-wup-wup, bada-wup-badup-wup Bada-wup-wup bada-wup-badup-wup

# Bada-wup-wup bada-wup...

# BADA-WUP-WUP BADA-WUP-BADUP-WUP! #

LAUGHTER

Amy, I'm going to give you a clue here, because there's no way

that the second "bada-wup-wup" is that sexually aggressive, right?

I'd rather listen to Tinchy's music than this music.

-AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-It's not that bad!

-Can we have a go?

-Yes, I'm passing it over to you.

-Can we have a go at singing it?

-I want all three of us to make that noise.

-It's like the Early Learning Centre over here.

Holly.

# Baba-lub-ba-bubub bu-ba-blub, Baba-lub-ba-bubub bu-ba-blub...

# Baba-lub-ba-bubub bu-ba-blub...

Go on, Tinch, put a beat behind it, son.

HE BEATBOXES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Noel, do you have an idea what this song is?

Is it Michael Jackson?

-No. Tinch?

-Is it...

..Michael Jackson?

LAUGHTER

What's the music from The Only Way Is Essex?

# The only way is up... #

'The Only Way Is Up' is the right answer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And here's how it should have sounded.

-SONG: "The Only Way Is Up"

-Frankie, would you like to come in over the top?

# BADA-WUP-WUP, BADA-WUP-BADUP-WUP!

LAUGHTER

Next one, please.

# Ding-da-ding-ding ding-ding Ding-da-ding-ding ding-ding

HE WHISTLES

Maroon 5. Can you sing it little bit?

LAUGHTER

Why don't we print out the title and give you that?

-Sorry.

-Right, I'm offering it to the other team.

-Is it 'Moves Like Jagger'?

-Yes.

-Damn right.

-Oh, I knew that one.

APPLAUSE

You're absolutely right, and this is how it should have sounded.

SONG: "Moves Like Jagger"

That was Maroon 5 with 'Moves Like Jagger'.

Maroon 5's Adams Levine says he knows when a song

is going to be a hit if his little sister and brother like it,

and then go out and buy 75,000 copies each.

LAUGHTER

I find if you're listening to particularly bland music such as Maroon 5

and you want to spIce it up a bit,

it helps to imagine Antony Worrall Thompson having sex to it.

SONG: "Moves Like Jagger"

LAUGHTER

That was nasty, man.

Sorry.

LAUGHTER

Noel and Tinchy, here are yours for Holly.

Remember, it's the title of the song we're after, Tinchy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's even funnier than I imagined.

# Neme-neme-neme neow

# Weow-neow-neow weow-neow-neow weow

-# Neme-neme-neme neow

-# Neme-neme-neme neow...

# Weow-neow-neow weow-neow-neow neow

# Neme-neme-neme neow...

# Oooh-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo... #

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Is it 'Layla'?

-It is 'Layla'!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're Absolutely right.

Here's how it should have sounded.

SONG: "Layla"

That was Eric Clapton with Layla.

He wrote Layla about his unrequited love for Pattie Boyd

who at the time was married to George Harrison.

For the sake of secrecy he changed the song from its original working title,

I Want To Get Off With George Harrison's Wife.

At one point Clapton claimed

he was drinking two bottles of vodka a day.

That's nothing.

Some days I'll get through four or five of these bad boys.

Tinchy would you like a little?

APPLAUSE

-Shall we have your final one?

-Yeah.

One, two, three four,

BOTH: # Do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah! #

Yeah!

-Holding Out For A Hero?

-Yes! Unbelievable.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Do-do-do-do Ahhh-ahhh

# Where have all the good men gone... #

That was Bonnie Tyler with Holding Out For A Hero.

Bonnie Tyler sang at the wedding of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas.

Apparently she sang Catherine's favourite song for Michael - Grandad We Love You.

Tinchy, have you ever sung at anyone's wedding?

-I've never actually been to a wedding.

-Never?

-What?! You've never been to a wedding?

-No.

-You guys should get married.

-Me and Amy.

-OK.

-That was easy!

You think it's easy. Wait till you're married to her.

Thanks a lot, Frank.

Do you know what I wonder about those shows, The Only Way Is Essex

and the Geordie one, is why are people always so drunk and wasted?

The Only Way Is Essex, we weren't allowed to drink at all.

I remember when to shag a teenager I'd have to get them drunk.

Nowadays I've got to sober them up!

Nice to see the controversies of the past have blunted you, Frankie!

At the end of that round Noel's team have four

and Frankie's team have two.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Frankie, H and Amy, what about some turn of the century UK Garage.

For the audience only here is DJ Luck and MC Neat??

MUSIC: "With A Little Bit Of Luck" by DJ Luck And MC Neat

That was DJ Luck and MC Neat with A Little Bit Of Luck.

Which of our line up is DJ Luck aka Joel Samuels?

Is it number one, A Little Bit of Luck?

Number two, A Little Bit Weird?

Number three, A Little Bit Of Rough?

Number four, A Little Bit Of What You Like Won't Hurt You?

Or Number Five, A Little Bit Funny This Feeling Inside?

# I'm not one of those who can easily hide. #

Frankie's team, it's all yours.

It's like they tried to film The Sopranos in Leeds.

There's only two of them that you'd accept a drink from.

Number four looks like a disgraced hypnotist.

I don't think they're Steps fans, are they?

Raise your hand if you are a Steps fan.

LAUGHTER

Right across the board.

And nobody in the audience either!

-Tinchy.

-No, he just want to go to the bathroom.

Are these guys Simon Cowell's actual fiancees?

-Right, yeah.

-They all have the air of Dale Farm bailiffs.

Apart from the very talented DJ we're looking for.

-OK.

-Amy.

Me and my brother, we used to listen to it and I know which one it is. Will you high five me?

-Baby!

-I think I know it so...

Who is the man we're looking for?

Number one.

Let's find out. Will the real Joel Samuels please step forward?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now working on a new album - Joel Samuels, aka DJ Luck, ladies and gentlemen.

I love that song. Great song. Sadly I thought it was an entirely different song.

-You were doing a remix of it!

-But I do like that song.

-I like it.

-I know you like it, Tinch.

-Amy likes it.

-100 per cent.

-On we go.

This is like the last day of school where the teacher tries to join in!

"Kids, I love this one! Whoa!"

"That's not it, sir!"

Noel, Holly and Tinchy, how about some 70s pop?

For the audience only here are Racey.

# Some girls will

# Some girls won't

# Some girls need a lot of loving

# And some girls don't

# Well I know I've got the fever

# But I don't know why

# Some say they will and some girls lie. #

That was Racey with Some Girls,

but which one of our line up was drummer Clive Wilson?

Is it number one, Some Girls?

Number two, Some Girls Like It Hot?

Number three, Some Girls Don't Get Me?

Number four, Some Girls actually like this look?

Number five, Some Girl Ripped My Heart Out And Tore It Into A

Thousand Pieces, But I Forgive Her? "Call Me.

Please call me!

Noel's team, it's with you.

Number four and five look like the film Twins...

40 years later.

APPLAUSE

I fancy a little drink, as well, Tinchy.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tinch, do you want me to take you over there

to have a closer look at them? I don't mind.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let me just check something.

-Yeah, that's close enough, man.

-Tinchy's made his decision.

FRANKIE: They look like a zombie Showaddywaddy.

They all look like a bunch of lorry drivers who have been made over by Gok Wan.

-Who do you think?

-Well, it's not The Penguin.

HOOTING

-How old were you when you were dancing to this song?

-A little kid.

I'm only in my late-30s now.

-How old are you?

-How old do you think?

I think you're 40-plus.

Be specific, Tinchy.

I think you're, like, round the same age as a Range Rover would cost.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was a great joke and it's the only one that can go in the show.

Noel, I'll have to push you for an answer.

-I think it's number two. Holly?

-I think one.

-All right, one. We'll go with Holly.

Let's find out. Would the real Clive Wilson please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Still touring with Racey, Clive Wilson, ladies and gentleman!

APPLAUSE

So we end with the quickfire round.

Before I became a comedian, I was a teacher for 13 lonely, miserable years,

so I have had some experience in setting tests.

Here is my test. It will cover all areas of the National Curriculum.

Noel's team, you are in the lead, so you go first.

Your time starts now.

What is Yazz's first law of physics?

-The Only Way Is Up.

-Correct.

Now, for Holly, I would like you to spell the name of Coldplay's latest album,

-which I don't think I can pronounce.

-S-H-I-T?

Please welcome our special guests...

What school regulations is AC/DC's Angus Young flagrantly breaking in this picture?

Smoking.

-There is more than one. Smoking.

-Is it Michaelmas term and he is wearing shorts?

No, too specific.

-It's a simple one.

-His top button's undone.

-Thank you, Amy.

-You've given that point to them.

-Oh, sorry.

-An all-girls school?

-Hand in his pocket?

No, he's brought boys from outside onto the school property.

LAUGHTER

-True or false? 'We don't need no education'?

-True.

-False.

-False. Qualifications are very important.

-END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Frankie's team, you need five points to sew this entire game up.

-We can do it.

-Of course you can(!)

I thought we could, then I heard your voice behind me.

What historic battle do ABBA sing about?

-Waterloo.

-Correct. If Jay-Z has 99 Problems and writes each one down on a red balloon in New York,

which he then releases into a 40mph south-easterly wind,

how many red balloons will have landed in New Jersey two days later?

100.

LAUGHTER

He's coincidentally run into someone else's red balloon?

I reckon it would be about 20.

I was going to say I would accept any answer between five and 20.

You get the point. What school uniform regulations is Britney Spears flagrantly breaching

-in this photograph?

-Being a crazy, mental slut.

LAUGHTER

That'll do. Well done.

-Tricky one here. I'd like you to spell YMCA.

-Y-M-C-A.

Correct. Well done.

END-OF-ROUND-JINGLE

So the final scores are, Frankie's team have 6 points

and Noel's team have 7.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Frankie Boyle, H and Amy Childs,

Noel, Tinchy Stryder and Holly Walsh.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks and I've been Greg Davies. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd

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