Episode 7 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

-I'm looking forward to the host this week.

-So excited. I love Alice Cooper.

-Look! What an entrance!

-He's a genius.

-Ohh.

Hey, guys, you know where the nearest drop-off station for this thing is?

White City.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

'My name is Alice Cooper. Welcome to my nightmare.'

THUNDER BOOMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Sit down! Sit down!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time to get down to serious stuff.

With team captain Noel Fielding tonight...

# I just want you to dance...

He's the X Factor star who you the public overwhelmingly decided

wasn't as good as some guy called Joe McElderry. It's Olly Murs.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's a man who performed as Cheryl Cole on Let's Dance.

In order to truly perfect the impression,

he contracted malaria and assaulted a toilet attendant. It's Rufus Hound.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And across the way with captain Phil Jupitus...

He's a rapper and MC who when deciding on a name,

followed strict instructions that it contain at least eight characters

including one uppercase letter and two numbers.

-It's Wretch 32.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she's a presenter who's best known for appearing on breakfast TV.

Breakfast TV. So that's on at, what, two in the afternoon?

-It's Penny Smith.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we begin with Tonight We're Going To Party Like It's Insert Relevant Date Here.

We show each team a video montage from a particular year.

They have to guess the year and I'll ask them a question related to that year.

Phil's team, look at this and tell me what year it's from.

# Bye-bye, baby, baby, goodbye

# Bye-bye, baby, don't make me cry

# I am sailing

# Stormy waters

# So when you're near me, darling, can't you hear me, SOS

# The love you gave me...

-So what year was that?

-What year did you break six ribs when you fell off a stage?

All six ribs right here. 28 stitches and I finished the show.

Was that the first ever leap into the audience that anybody ever did?

The first stage dive, and the audience didn't know what you did? "What's he doing?"

-Yes. I bled all over everybody, it was great.

-And normally a rock star would be spilling different fluids.

-I like to keep my blood. And yours.

-LAUGHTER

The Bay City Rollers. I liked that the drummer's got his name written all the way down.

When you're that good a drummer and number one every week

because a lot of young girls have been misinformed...

-LAUGHTER I like tartan!

-Why wasn't there a lot more Moira Anderson in the charts?

-I was struggling to remember the name of any other Scottish artist.

-Lorraine Kelly.

-Lorraine Kelly? Does she ask about me?

-Every time I see her.

-I still think of her every time I wax my legs.

-LAUGHTER

-You wax your legs?

-Oh, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Did I just look round at a grime artist and go, "Oh, yeah"?

-Yeah.

-You wax your legs on this show.

-Try that again.

-You wax your legs?

-True dat.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This picture of ABBA looks like they've been shipwrecked

-and then they've gone, "There's a helicopter! Help us!"

-LAUGHTER

Actually, ABBA are only three inches tall and that's a normal photographer

-taking a photo of them. They're on a beach and that's grains of sand.

-LAUGHTER

-You're stalling. What year was it?

-75 is our final answer.

-Yes. It is 75.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Why did my buddy David Bowie break into a psychiatric ward in that year?

I met David Bowie. I even spoke to him.

Well, actually, I saw him at a party and I reversed into him and said, "Sorry".

-Were you in a car?

-LAUGHTER

-Were you doing a driving test? Was he in his Labyrinth outfit?

-Ohh!

-Love that outfit.

-Great film.

-That was a good look.

It'd be great if you bumped into him and he went, "You'll never find your little baby".

Then I spoke to Dustin Hoffman, as well. Well, I did the same thing and reversed into him.

-Do you walk backwards?

-LAUGHTER

-So David Bowie tried to break into a mental home?

-Most people try to get out, he breaks in.

-I think he forgot his key.

-LAUGHTER

-LAUGHTER

-He needed drugs.

-Absolutely not.

-I've got it. He was in the A-Team that week and he had to get Murdock out.

-He needed a helicopter.

-No.

There were people in there he knew and those people were famous. It was you.

-No.

-LAUGHTER

-He had a lust for life, though.

-ALL: Iggy Pop!

-Oh, what?

-He tried to break in to get Iggy Pop out.

So he could give him a quote on his car insurance.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I grew up with Iggy Pop in Detroit and Iggy Pop's the last person that you would need for insurance.

He was the most dangerous human being on the planet. I gave him a switch blade once and he says "Oh"

and starts hacking himself up, walks through the audience, they put peanut butter all over it.

-I finally had to take him to the hospital. But that was Detroit.

-LAUGHTER

-Imagine how bad it would've been if he'd also had a peanut allergy!

-LAUGHTER

In 1975, David Bowie broke into a psychiatric ward

-with Dennis Hopper to deliver drugs to Iggy Pop.

-LAUGHTER

-What a wingman!

-They had to break in because a sure-fire way to get committed

is to turn up at a psychiatric ward and say, "It's Ziggy Stardust and Dennis Hopper,

-"we're here to see Mr Pop."

-LAUGHTER

Noel's team, take a look at this and for bonus points, tell me what year it's from.

# Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend

# No way, no way, I think you need a new one

# Beautiful girl

# That's why it'll never work

# You had me suicidal

# Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more

# Why don't you like me, why don't you like me?

# Walk out the door

-Hm.

-Hm. What year was that?

-What happened to Mika?

He's in my basement tied to a radiator.

-He can have food, but he's making no music ever again.

-LAUGHTER

It's awful, cos he just keeps rocking backwards and forwards going,

-"Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?"

-LAUGHTER

Avril Lavigne there, as well. Does anybody ever see Avril Lavigne without, erm...

-..just wanting to rip out her face?

-LAUGHTER

-Ohh.

-She did the whole thing where it was like,

"I'm from a sub-culture, I'm from a sub-culture"

and the moment that album didn't sell, she went, "I've got a lovely frock on. I'm Celine Dion."

-No, you're not, you're a waste of skin.

-LAUGHTER

I just sense that someone here has been ignored in a chat room by Avril Lavigne.

-Yeah.

-Like you wanted to get that off your chest for a long time.

I don't understand her I went past the Hammersmith Apollo and there was a queue outside

and Avril Lavigne was on. I thought, "If everyone in there died, no-one would cry".

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-I was in the queue.

LAUGHTER

What year? It wasn't that long ago. It said something about Led Zeppelin reforming.

-You were pretty for that, weren't you?

-I can't say too much about that year. I remember parts of it.

-LAUGHTER

-You guys must know this.

-You know, don't you?

-2007, maybe? What do you reckon?

Don't ask him! He's insane!

-LAUGHTER

-Final answer?

-2007.

2007. It's right.

Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It was 2007.

But how did the police upset my fellow hell-raiser Ozzy Osbourne in that year?

Did they insist on the rectal examination?

-No, that would've been OK with him, I think.

-LAUGHTER

I can see him now. He's that absent-minded... "Sharon! Is that you?"

LAUGHTER

-This probably should've happened to Sting.

-It's a clue.

-They gave him the electric chair?

-LAUGHTER

-Does nobody know this?

-No.

In 2007, police in North Dakota sent invitations for a fake Ozzy after-party

to over 500 known criminals who were arrested on arrival.

-It was a sting operation.

-ALL: Ahhh!

UK police employed a similar tactic recently and arrested 40 paedophiles

when they turned up at a fake Justin Bieber party.

-LAUGHTER

-People are watching this and you go, "ped-ophile"

-and they go, "Ooh, glamorous".

-LAUGHTER

People who do PR for paedophiles are going, "Hey, that's right, let's bring a bit of glamour to this!"

-"Ped-ophile doesn't sound so bad!"

-LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, Noel's team has one, Phil's team has two!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, a special rock-themed Intros round.

Noel and Olly, here are yours for Rufus.

-I feel weird.

-If it's any consolation, you kind of look weird.

Yeah, I know. I might perch.

-Are you ready for this?

-Hang on, I'm just shitting out a pellet.

LAUGHTER

THEY IMITATE GUITAR AND PERCUSSION

LAUGHTER

Oh, er... It's not a good version of that.

-A Little Less Conversation.

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Huh! Huh! Huh! APPLAUSE

You are right and this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley vs JXL

-All right, fine.

-LAUGHTER

So that was Elvis vs JXL with A Little Less Conversation.

-Now I met Elvis in 1970.

-Oh, wow.

-I got a thing that said, "Elvis wants to meet you".

I got to the Hilton Hotel, the elevator opened up and it was me,

Liza Minnelli, Chubby Checker and Linda Lovelace.

-Wow.

-Wow!

-What, you'd come together or you just happened to be in that lift?

-He invited those four people.

-Really?

We went up and they searched us for guns, which was silly cos there were guns everywhere once you got in.

When he came in the room, he was Elvis. He wasn't the fat Elvis, he was Elvis.

He was the guy. He goes, "Hey, man, you're that cat with the snake, ain't you?" I said, "Yeah."

He goes, "That's cool, man. I wish I would've thought of that. Here, I want to show you something"

And we go in the kitchen, he opens the drawer, takes out a loaded snub-nosed .38,

puts it in my hand and he says,

"I'm going to show you how to take this gun out of somebody's hand."

The little devil here on my shoulder says, "Shoot him."

LAUGHTER

-The little angel over here says, "Don't kill him, just wound him."

-LAUGHTER

Before I could decide what to do, I was on the floor

and he had his boot in my throat and I go, "That's good, Elvis."

LAUGHTER

I'm still reeling over the fact that you were there with Liza Minnelli. He must've thought you were sisters.

-LAUGHTER

-Of course, only three of us came down on the elevator that night.

-Now, I don't know what he did with Chubby Checker all night.

-LAUGHTER

I tell you what, he was an amazing character. A very funny guy.

But he was Elvis. I mean, you know...

Noel and Olly, stand by for your next one.

Let's do it.

OLLY IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR

NOEL IMITATES DRUMS

-Owwww.

-LAUGHTER

-I made that last bit up, to be fair.

-LAUGHTER

OLLY IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR

-Stop doing that!

-LAUGHTER

It's the number one stripper song in the world.

-THEY IMITATE GUITAR AND DRUMS

-The singer is really sexy.

-Poison!

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-It must have been that clue about the singer is really sexy, right?

-That was the clue.

-Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Poison" by Alice Cooper

# You're cruel...

-Yeah!

-Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was me with Poison. I wrote this song when my poisons were alcohol and class-A drugs.

Nowadays, the most exciting thing that happens to me is a birdie on a par four

and an occasional erection.

LAUGHTER

Which I'm having right now. Phil and Wretch, here are yours for Penny.

Yep. Be upstanding.

It's got a really terrible introduction

but the end bit's the key bit, so we'll focus on that.

-So it sort of goes...

-LAUGHTER

PHIL IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR

THEY IMITATE GUITAR AND PERCUSSION

Oh!

-LAUGHTER Is it Whitesnake?

-No.

LAUGHTER Give me a clue.

Yeah, I tell you what, I'll do the introduction.

HE IMITATES GUITAR Down, down, give it around.

-Is it Status Quo?

-It's not words. It's not words.

-It's not words.

-Kylie Minogue.

-It's a rock-themed round!

-Oh. Sorry. LAUGHTER

-All right, Noel.

-I wasn't even listening.

-LAUGHTER

-Sounded like Oh What A Night.

-That's what I was thinking!

# Bam-bam-bam, oh, what a night

ALL: # Late December back in 63

-It's not that.

-All right, here comes the answer.

Guns 'N Roses, Welcome To The Jungle.

This is how it should've sounded.

-MUSIC: "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses

-See? Yeah.

No.

-Where's that bit? Whoooo!

-Why didn't you do that bit?

-Because it sucks!

-You're just basically doing your own intro for that.

-LAUGHTER

I didn't really like that bit, Slash, so we're just going to change that.

He once came on the show and we were pestering him to tell us anecdotes about Guns N' Roses

and I went, "Come on, you must have had some amazing gigs" and he went, "One time we played in London

-"and my hat melted."

-LAUGHTER

That was Guns N' Roses, Welcome To The Jungle.

Slash says he once ran naked and bleeding through a high-class golf resort.

He eventually collapsed face-down and created the trickiest hole I've ever had to play in my life.

-LAUGHTER

-Slash, though, was not the first to wear a top hat.

-Abraham Lincoln.

-LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-He did his thing.

-All right, next one, please, Phil and Wretch.

-Is this a rock one?

-LAUGHTER

-No, no, no, don't worry, don't worry.

-Don't vex me! Don't vex me!

-LAUGHTER

-I'll tell you what, we'll do it where the vocal comes in.

-OK!

-Can we do that? OK.

-Yeah.

THEY IMITATE GUITAR

I thought you said you were going to do the vocal bit. LAUGHTER

-I had the fucking singer here, I thought he might pitch in.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Still don't know it? No clues?

HE SINGS MELODY

-Oh, come on!

-It's Alice Cooper!

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You don't know the song, do you?

-What is the answer?

-You must know. This is killing me. You're going to have to leave the show now.

-Really?

-School's Out.

-School's Out! I know that one!

-Apparently you don't!

-And here's how it should've sounded.

MUSIC: "School's Out" by Alice Cooper

I know that one!

Dancing like that.

That was me with School's Out. My songs are often misinterpreted.

For example, School's Out is really to tell kids to start their revision planners.

LAUGHTER

-Muscle Of Love is about a romantic oyster.

-LAUGHTER

And Welcome To My Nightmare is a cautionary tale about eating cheese in the evening.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's all true. And at the end of that round, Phil's team has two

-and Noel's team has four.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Round three is the Identity Parade

and this week it's from my world of shock rock.

Phil, Wretch and Penny, how about some British grindcore?

For the audience only, here is Napalm Death.

MUSIC: "Silence Is Deafening" by Napalm Death

That was Napalm Death with Silence Is Deafening.

I actually like the Carpenters version better.

Which of our line-up is lead shouter Mark Greenway?

Is it number one, Napalm Death?

Number two, Black Death?

Number three, Bored to Death?

Number four, Looks Like Death?

Or number five, Career Death After Big Brother Ten?

LAUGHTER

-I'm going to get number four to explain the plot of Lost to me.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Number one's got a flamingo trying to escape out of his head.

-LAUGHTER

-I like those mutton chops.

-Number five, get those Adamantium claws out, you've pulled.

-LAUGHTER

-I would say three, cos three's my lucky number,

-but he doesn't look like he can see or hear us.

-LAUGHTER

-Yo.

-LAUGHTER

-Final answer.

-I saw this band at the Download Festival I think five years ago and it's number two.

Let's find out. Would the real Mark Greenway please step forward?

Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Still touring and recording with Napalm Death, Mark Greenway, ladies and gentlemen.

-I'll see you out on the road somewhere.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Noel, Olly and Rufus, something a little different for you.

For the audience only, here is me performing live on the BBC in 1971

with a reptile friend of mine.

# Is it my body?

# Or something I might be?

# Or something inside me?

# You better tell me

# Tell me

# It's really up to you

# Have you got the time to find out

# Who I really am?

All right, that was me in this very studio in 1971.

OK, I was a little drunk at the time.

But which of our Alice Coopers through the ages

is holding the breed of snake that I use in my live show?

Is it number one, Alice Cooper?

-Number two, Tommy Cooper?

-LAUGHTER

-Number three, Mini Cooper?

-LAUGHTER

-Number four, Hangin' With Mr Cooper?

-LAUGHTER

-Or number five, Pooper Cooper?

-LAUGHTER

-I have to say...

-That is just bonkers.

-..I don't think I'm ever going to sleep again.

-LAUGHTER

-If we don't hurry up, I'm pretty sure number three's going to die.

-LAUGHTER

-Take a close look.

Shall we have a look? Cos I think you used a reticulated python or a boa constrictor.

-I thought you had a boa, which would be number three.

-Or a reticulated python.

-Hello, cheeky!

-Oh, Jesus.

-That's a big snake.

-Is it a big snake or is it just a perspective thing?

-LAUGHTER

That looks like a boa constrictor. I think that's a milk snake or a corn snake.

-Get you, reptile watch!

-Yeah! Terry Nutkins can kiss my ass!

-LAUGHTER

-Don't whoop Terry Nutkins, you freak!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, it is Terry. All right, Terry?

-LAUGHTER

-Noel, one of them is going to go for you, they think you're a buzzard.

-LAUGHTER

These ones look all right. I'm not scared of these ones much. I'm not going to touch it, though.

-What was the snake called, Alice?

-I had Boa Derek and I had Julius Squeezer.

-All right, take your seats.

-You'd want a big snake, so it's got to be a boa.

-Or number five?

-No, look, we're talking Alice Motherfucking Cooper here.

-I know.

-He's not walking out with a corn snake, is he?

-No.

-# School's out for summer

-LAUGHTER

Stop it!

-Final answer.

-We think it's number...

-NOEL SCREAMS

It's a feather! LAUGHTER

I've just given you a feather back. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought you'd produced a snake out of your denim jacket!

-HE SCREAMS

-Sorry, I am on mushrooms.

LAUGHTER

-Good to know that when flustered, Noel becomes a Victorian lady!

-LAUGHTER

Noel's team, which number?

-Is it number three?

-Would the real snake please make themselves known?

Yay! APPLAUSE

Wow. That's impressive.

That's a baby. Now here's what happened to me. I had a snake twice that size

He swallowed a heating pad.

He thought that it was part of his dinner. He ate the whole heating pad.

There's an electric cord coming out of his mouth plugged into the wall.

So I called up the doctor and said, "What do I do?" He said, "Well, first, unplug him."

He said, "Don't try to pull the cord out cos you'll pull his stomach out."

So he said, "Just clip the cord and see if he can digest it."

It's a heating pad, it's that big. Two days later, we realised he wasn't going to digest it

so we took him in, they cut him open, took the heating pad out,

sewed him back up and he's in a petting zoo now.

-So there's a nice ending to that story.

-ALL: Aww.

APPLAUSE

Now hosting BBC pop quizzes, Alice Cooper, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, Phil's team has three,

Noel's team has five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In my time, I've always placed great stock on image and shock factor,

so we end with a round that looks at some of the craziest album covers in music history.

I'll show you a cover with the title blurred out

and all you have to do is guess the title. Noel's team are in the lead so you go first.

And your time starts...now.

What's Swamp Dogg selling here?

-Mouse Jockeys.

-LAUGHTER

Albino Rat Cyclist Celebration.

-Ooh, is it The World's Unlikeliest Pearly King...On A Big White Mouse?

-LAUGHTER

-The answer is Rat On!

-ALL: Ahh. LAUGHTER

What album is William Hung pedalling here?

LAUGHTER William Hung Like A Horse?

-Hung Like Tinsel.

-LAUGHTER

What do they call Christmas to kind of include everything?

-Holiday.

-Almost!

-Hung For The Holidays.

-Yes.

-Hung For The Holidays.

-APPLAUSE

-Great album.

-LAUGHTER

-What's the name of this album from Jerry Butler?

-I Seem To Be Inside My Own Drink.

-LAUGHTER Ice Man.

-Ice Man is close.

-The Ice Man Cometh.

-The Ice Man Cometh.

-APPLAUSE

Who has Paddy Roberts written songs for?

-Aww.

-That's weird.

-It's Songs For Gay Dogs.

-Yes! That is the right answer!

-It is!

APPLAUSE

-You're going to love this one. What's the title of this Scorpions offering?

-Hubba Bubba Tit Stretch.

LAUGHTER

It's called Love Drive. It doesn't make any sense at all.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, Phil's team, you need six points to win and your time starts...now.

What was the offering from The Handsome Beasts called?

-It's Bacon Week With The Hairy Bikers.

-LAUGHTER

-Makin' Bacon.

-That would be a great title, but it's not it.

-I'm A Pig, Get Me Out Of Here?

-Beastiality.

-Nice.

-How about this album from Aphex Twin?

-Ahh.

-I've Got Something On My Chest.

-Ah, nice!

-The answer is the unlikely Windowlicker.

What does the ESP stand for in Millie Jackson's ESP?

Extra Sexual Perception.

-Ooh, so close.

-Extra Sexual Persuasion.

-That's it.

-Nice!

-That is right.

-She's got nice kneecaps.

LAUGHTER

What is the title of my new album?

-Alice Cooper Loves Kittens.

-LAUGHTER

There was another album called this.

-Really?

-One of my albums was called this.

-Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits 2.

-No. Think scarier.

IN SPOOKY VOICE: Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits 2.

In 1975, I had Welcome To My Nightmare.

-This is Welcome 2 My Nightmare.

-Welcome...

-All: Ahhh!

-It's so damn clever, it's amazing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So at the end of that, in second place with four is Phil's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.

This week's winner is Noel's team with eight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Phil, Wretch 32 and Penny, Noel, Olly and Rufus.

I've been Alice Cooper and so have these guys. Take it away, fellas!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "School's Out" by Alice Cooper

ALL: # School's out for summer

# School's out forever

# School's been blown to pieces

# School's out completely

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good night!

-If he squeezes, I become a girl right now.

-LAUGHTER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

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