Episode 8 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 8

Pop quiz. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest host James Blunt and panellists Harry Judd from Strictly, Sarah Millican, Sean Paul and Matt Crosby.


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Transcript


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NOEL, ECHOING: Blunt? You're not serious?

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-PHILL:

-No way can he do it.

-He'll be rubbish.

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-Blunt goes, or I go.

-You're useless, Blunt...

-No, no...

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-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish...

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish...

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MUSIC: 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Richard Wagner

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Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!

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No, no, you misunderstand. We want you to host.

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OK. That changes things.

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Please welcome your host.

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It's ex-military, multi-million album selling artist

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and international playboy James Blunt!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening and welcome to the show. I am James Blunt,

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and if you're going to throw a strop about it,

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I suggest you switch over now. You're still here?

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I'll begin. With team captain, Noel Fielding...

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Hello.

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..he recently claimed his album could

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save the world from global recession.

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To be fair, the first three tracks are called Slash Greece's Debt,

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Impose Austerity Measures

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and Recapitalise The IMF. It's Jamaican reggae star Sean Paul.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Like Cheryl Cole, she's from South Shields. Like Cheryl Cole,

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she's not a judge on the X Factor. But unlike Cheryl Cole,

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she's not above appearing on this show. It's comedian Sarah Millican.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And across the way with captain Phill Jupitus,

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he's a drummer and star of this year's Strictly Come Dancing,

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yet he's still best known as the other one out of McFly.

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It's Harry Judd.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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He's the compere of the Horsebridge comedy club in Whitstable.

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A man who needs no introduction,

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if you're a regular of comedy clubs in Whitstable.

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-It's comedian Matthew Crosby.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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So, we begin with Woop, Woop, That's The Sound Of The Police.

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Noel, Sarah and Sean, take a look at this.

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# I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it... #

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Her videos are so raunchy that when they come on, some men have

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been known to switch over to the Adult Channel for a rest.

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It's Rihanna.

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# But chains and whips excite me

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# Now come on, come on, come on... #

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That was Rihanna with S&M,

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but how did Rihanna get in trouble with the New York authorities?

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Giving tattoos without a license,

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being overly sexual with a traffic cone

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-or feeding a hot dog to a police horse?

-What a video.

-Yeah!

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I don't know what it means, but I've got an erection.

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Is that sexy, then, is it?

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Well, it doesn't do anything for me. I mean, I like bananas.

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-Unless you're Adele. Apparently, Adele likes her.

-Oh, in that way?

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-Yeah, in that way.

-Oh, really? OK.

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I'm going to be interpreting tonight for these two!

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You should know, because she's worked with you.

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-You have an insight.

-Oh, yeah, I know what she's all about.

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-What is she about, what does that mean?

-S&M.

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-You know what I mean, it speaks for itself.

-I'm more about M&S, I think.

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I love M&S. Just for your bits, though, not for your main shop.

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Sean, you had trouble with the police yourself.

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-Not that I can recall.

-Egypt?

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-You were smoking a spliff up an Egyptian pyramid.

-That was true.

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-Yes, sir.

-I'd only go up a pyramid if I thought it was a Toblerone.

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I was always disappointed that pyramids up close were steps,

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weren't they? Cos I imagined they'd be smooth.

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And when I saw they were steps, I just thought,

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"Oh, fuck that," and went straight home.

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You'd brought your BMX as well, you were going to, "Waaay!," down it.

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-Exactly.

-So what did she do with the cone?

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-Being overly sexual with a traffic cone is an option.

-Overly sexual?

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Like, is there an appropriate amount of sexual behaviour

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towards a traffic cone?

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Like, "That was a bit too much." I thought they were bigger.

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Now I've seen it up close, it's probably feasible, isn't it?

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LAUGHTER

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What way would you put it in?

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LAUGHTER

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Sideways?

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That is quite small. Sometimes when you're drunk,

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you can sit on cones and have a rest while you eat your kebab,

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but if you sat on that, it'd be straight up you.

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I've heard of worse than being sexual with a cone.

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Remember Sweaty Betty?

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Sweaty Betty, who fit a bus inside? Know that song?

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That was on your first album, right? LAUGHTER

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-I need to push you for an answer, please.

-Nice legs.

-Very nice legs.

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-Her legs are insured for £1 million.

-Each leg?

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I think just one. She's got a club foot, she can't be arsed with it.

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What makes her legs so special, to be worth that amount of money?

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-They're on backwards.

-I bet they don't chafe at the top like mine do.

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That's how you know you've got good legs,

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when there's enough of them to meet.

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-Didn't she get in trouble on a tractor or something?

-On a tractor?

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Oh, yeah, cos she's not got a tractor licence, has she?

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Apparently, a scarecrow grassed her up.

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APPLAUSE

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Don't clap that, you idiots! That's a proper joke. I'm going home.

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I'll give you the answers again. How did Rihanna get in trouble

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with New York authorities? Giving tattoos without a licence,

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being overly sexual with a traffic cone

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or feeding a hot dog to a police horse?

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-Go for your life.

-I think the traffic cone.

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-I'm with my team-mates.

-You're pathetic and sordid.

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Of course it's not. The correct answer is

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she was giving tattoos without a licence.

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LAUGHTER

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Rihanna got in trouble with New York authorities

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when she was found to have tattooed an umbrella on her tattoo artist

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without a license. It's desperately sad when a talented singer becomes

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associated with just one song.

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# You're beautiful... #

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I delivered that incredibly badly, I'm sorry. I know my weaknesses.

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-I'm a singer.

-Sort of.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Phill, Harry and Matthew, have a look at this.

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A woman whose face tells you one thing -

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that the normal presenter is on holiday.

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It's classically-trained rent-a-presenter Myleene Klass.

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# I'll be there for you

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# Pure and simple, going to be there... #

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Myleene Klass with HearSay. But what did she once steal

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from the Pope's summer residence?

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Was it a piles cushion, a personalised toilet roll

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or the Shroud of Turin?

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Looks like they took it from my dressing room. They've got my face.

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So, Myleene Klass, I never thought of her as a thieving type.

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Or someone who has piles.

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Well, no, cos she's had babies, and you get piles

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-when you get pregnant, apparently.

-Why's that?

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I can only assume that the baby is in there going,

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"Bam, bam, let me out, let me out!," punching away at the bottom.

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-Hang on, it doesn't come out the bottom!

-I don't know, I've no map!

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LAUGHTER

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Is this round going to be about obstetrics?

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I have got a womb map if you want to borrow it.

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-It's like an old treasure map.

-"Go left at the cervix, aaar!

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"And then you'll find the double-decker bus."

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-NORTH-EAST ACCENT:

-Double Decker!

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-I'd rather hear her say "Toblerone".

-Toblerone!

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I'd like a Sarah Millican sat nav.

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NORTH-EAST ACCENT: "Oh, don't go that way."

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LAUGHTER

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People always like it when I say "monkey risotto".

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-And we got this from Ian Paisley's house.

-I think I'd like somebody

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I like on my toilet roll. Then you'd see them all the time.

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Yeah, and then rub shit on their face.

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-If they were a true friend, they'd take it.

-That's true.

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What about Turin Shroud bog paper? That'd be cool, wouldn't it?

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If you just bought normal toilet paper

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and all of a sudden Jesus's face started appearing!

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-I'm putting that on eBay!

-"A monkey making risotto?!"

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Like Panini stickers! "Got, got, need, swap...

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"Oh, a shiny!" Papal loo roll. It's not going to have his face on it?

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It has little strips, and at the bottom it says,

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"And now, wash-a your soul!"

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Are you confusing the Pope with those Dolmio ads?

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Didn't the Pope fall over? Someone pushed him over.

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Didn't two of them fall over? Like skittles, one knocked the other over.

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-The Pope hit a cardinal, he hit a bishop...

-Eventually one of them

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fell into a choirboy, and that was his alibi.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-I'm going to push you for an answer.

-Push us all you want, Tank Boy.

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-Harry, come on.

-I reckon it's the toilet paper.

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-She's got a famous arse.

-Your final answer?

-Yeah.

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You're correct. The answer was B. Myleene Klass claims she stole

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some of the Pope's own branded toilet paper

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and then gave individual sheets away as Christmas presents.

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This incident that led to the creation of a famous tongue-twister.

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"If there's no paper for the papal poo,

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"then the pope has to pop to the shop."

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Sean, shall we get you to try that?

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If there's no paper for the papal poo,

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then the pope has to pop to the shop.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Paul.

-APPLAUSE

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-Sarah, can we hear it from you too?

-If there's no paper for the papal...

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LAUGHTER

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If there's no paper for the papal poo,

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then the pope has to pop to the shop.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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I was saying to Sean that I had a friend called Jason

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who was from Jamaica. Girls used to go, "What's your name?,"

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and he used to go, "Jee-ay-sun." And then just immediately get laid.

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And as they were walking off to his bedroom, I'd go, "I'm called Noel!"

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Next up, it's the Intros round.

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-Noel and Sean, here are yours for Sarah.

-Yeah...

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-Have you gone blank yet?

-I've definitely gone blank.

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You'll have to help me out.

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# Er-nee-ner-nee

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# Brr-nee-ner nee-ner

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-# Brr, ner-nee-ner... #

-I think you have to go higher-pitched.

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-Slightly higher.

-I know it's one of those really great...

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What is it? Oh...

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# Der-ner-ner... #

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It's annoying. What is it?

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LAUGHTER

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I think I know it. I think it's Mr Blunt's song, You're Beautiful.

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-Yay!

-You're absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Here's how it should have sounded.

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-MUSIC STARTS

-That's enough!

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So that was James Cucking Funt with You're Beautiful.

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LAUGHTER

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A six year-old girl came out of a coma after hearing that song

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on hospital radio. It was a beautiful sight until she woke up,

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leant forward and screamed, "Turn that shit off!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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A lot of people took a dislike to You're Beautiful, but I ask you,

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where would we be without that song?

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I'm not sure about you, but I'd be in a much, much smaller house.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Can we hear the next song, please?

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# Da-nah... # Is that it? No? SEAN LAUGHS

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Don't look at me like a sort of happier, friendlier Mr T!

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LAUGHTER

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# Da-neh-da-neh-da-neh-na

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# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# Da-na-da-na-da-na-na

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# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# BAH-NA-NA-NA-NA-NUH-NUH

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# BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA

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# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# wah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# Pet, like... # I was doing it in Geordie for you.

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LAUGHTER

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-Is quite repetitive, isn't it?

-It's the intro.

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Do you want to give it another go?

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-Just with the actual tune!

-I'm going to try it in Jamaican.

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-I'm going to do it in Jamaican.

-Give us a fighting chance!

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Jaaay-sun's in the house! LAUGHTER

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It doesn't matter. When you put these on, nothing really matters.

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In these lenses, it's just a better quiz show than you can actually see.

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What is the name I have to say?

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-I'll wear these.

-Jason.

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NORTH-EAST ACCENT: All right, look here, then,

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let's give it another go! Jason!

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# Da-ra-da, da-ra-da... #

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-# You're beautiful! #

-With those glasses, Noel,

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you look like my chemistry teacher.

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I love the fact that you've got a chemistry teacher.

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Have you come straight from school?

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They've kept me back several years.

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-How are we looking?

-# Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

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That's my favourite bit. I like that it.

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# Ah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# Ma-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

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# Ba-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-na-na-na

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-# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

-Go on, then.

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-ALL:

-# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

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We don't know. But we really like it. We'll be singing it all the way home.

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-It is Stereophonics' Pick A Part That's New.

-Oh.

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-Here's how it should have sounded.

-SONG PLAYS

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I don't feel so bad now!

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-# I've never been here before... #

-So, that was Stereophonics

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with Pick A Part That's New.

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Kelly says that, despite his hard man image, he's actually very sensitive.

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It's the opposite with me. Sure, I sang You're Beautiful,

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but cross me and I will fuck you up.

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Kelly from the Stereophonics? "People might see me as a hard man?" Who?!

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He's like a hobbit in a leather jacket!

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-Have you looked in the mirror recently?

-You can talk!

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I had to get you a rope ladder for the tank!

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Kelly says the band got into music for drink and women.

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Similarly, I got into music

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-to appear on Sesame Street and Buzzcocks.

-You did Sesame Street?!

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-Yeah, baby.

-Oh, man, what was that like?

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He did the triangle song, it was amazing.

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-Elmo and me, we're tight, thick as thieves.

-Did you meet Elmo?

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Absolutely. He was the one who called me to say,

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-"Come on the show."

-Have you been to Oscar the Grouch's trash can?

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-No.

-Some wild parties there, wild parties.

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The only person that'd invite Blunty to a party would be the Count,

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because he's the only one posh enough on Sesame Street. "Ah-ha-ha,

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"how many people will I have to my party? One, one pop star, ah-ha!"

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-Is Mr Snuffaluffagus Sesame Street?

-Yeah, he was Big Bird's best friend.

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-And he was imaginary or was he real?

-I think they're all fake.

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How dare you?! You'll be telling me Fraggle Rock wasn't real in a minute!

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I used to get really frustrated with the elephant, because he'd turn up,

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they'd go, "He was here!" When they'd look, he'd be gone.

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I'd go, "But he WAS there!"

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If only they had Sky+. Just rewound it, "There he was!"

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Phill and Harry, here are yours for Matthew.

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-Yeah.

-OK. Right?

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# Eeeeeeeeee

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# Duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

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# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

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# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga

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# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

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# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga

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# Huh-huh-ha-haa, ha-huh-hah-huh. #

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LAUGHTER

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-Can we hear that one more time? I just need get into that.

-OK.

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I think you've been into this enough, from what I understand.

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-Oh, you heard about that?

-Yes.

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I think the world has heard about you and your dirty penis.

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LAUGHTER

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Which I'm sure you keep scrupulously clean -

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-I mean in the figurative sense.

-I would like to assure our viewers

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-that it's absolutely clean.

-LAUGHTER

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It's not dirty, that's just camouflage!

0:16:420:16:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:450:16:51

I wish it was. You just naturally can't see it.

0:16:510:16:55

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:550:16:59

# Eeeeeeeeeeee

0:16:590:17:01

# Duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

0:17:010:17:03

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

0:17:030:17:04

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga... #

0:17:040:17:06

"Get off, James, get off! Stop it, Blunty, stop it!"

0:17:060:17:12

-I'm picturing a lady.

-Picture some more.

0:17:120:17:16

-Me too.

-So it's girls, it's girls singing together.

0:17:160:17:19

-Mmm!

-I don't know why I'm doing this like I'm a medium, channelling this.

0:17:190:17:25

-Is it Beyonce?

-No.

0:17:250:17:28

Shall we go over to Noel's team? Have you got a clue?

0:17:280:17:31

-I think Sarah knows.

-She doesn't.

0:17:310:17:35

It was Pussycat Dolls' Beep. Here's how it should have sounded.

0:17:350:17:39

SONG PLAYS

0:17:390:17:44

# Huh-ha-huh-huh-huh

0:17:440:17:45

# Huh-ha-huh-ha

0:17:450:17:48

# Huh-ha-huh-huh-huh... #

0:17:480:17:50

I stand corrected, Harry.

0:17:500:17:52

-How many of them...

-NOEL: Have you touched with your camouflaged penis?!

0:17:540:17:57

-20%.

-20%!

0:17:570:18:01

LAUGHTER

0:18:010:18:06

Have you ever done it in a tank?

0:18:060:18:08

LAUGHTER

0:18:080:18:12

-Shall we have your next one?

-What are we doing?

0:18:120:18:15

Oh, yeah, yeah. One, two, three, four..

0:18:150:18:17

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do

0:18:170:18:20

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-de-do-de-do

0:18:200:18:21

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do-do

0:18:210:18:23

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do

0:18:230:18:26

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-de-do-de-do

0:18:260:18:28

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do-do

0:18:280:18:30

# Mm-chk, mm-chk, mm-chk. #

0:18:300:18:31

-I know this one.

-Woo-hoo!

0:18:310:18:33

Yeah, I know, what a surprise!

0:18:330:18:35

You can do it, nerd Jesus!

0:18:350:18:39

OK. Is it La Roux, Bulletproof?

0:18:390:18:41

-You are absolutely correct.

-Yes!

0:18:410:18:44

Here's how it should have sounded.

0:18:440:18:46

SONG PLAYS

0:18:460:18:50

-What's that?

-That's her hair.

-That's her quiff.

0:18:500:18:52

-Oh, yeah.

-Cheat!

-That was a little cheat.

0:18:520:18:56

And also, the drummer's a shark.

0:18:560:19:00

Scores. At the end of that round, Phill's team has three

0:19:020:19:05

-and Noel's team has one.

-APPLAUSE

0:19:050:19:10

Round three is the Identity Parade. Noel, Sarah and Sean,

0:19:140:19:17

how about some late-'90s girl-group sex... Girl-group pop?

0:19:170:19:22

For the audience only, here is Vanilla.

0:19:220:19:28

# No way, no way

0:19:280:19:30

# Ma-na-ma-na

0:19:300:19:32

# No way, no way

0:19:320:19:34

# Ma-na-ma-na

0:19:340:19:37

# No way, no way

0:19:370:19:40

# Ma-na-ma-na

0:19:400:19:42

# Not today

0:19:420:19:45

# Don't get fresh with me. #

0:19:450:19:47

That was Vanilla with No Way, No Way.

0:19:470:19:50

But which one of our line-up is singer Frances Potter?

0:19:500:19:53

Is it number one, No Way, No Way?

0:19:530:19:55

Number two, No Way, Jose?

0:19:550:19:58

Number three, No Way Back?

0:19:580:20:01

Number four, No Way To Treat A Woman?

0:20:010:20:04

Or number five, No Way Of Knowing It Was A Bloke?

0:20:040:20:07

LAUGHTER

0:20:070:20:10

-You're a musician.

-Yeah. I think so.

0:20:100:20:14

I know you smoke a bit, Sean Paul, but to not remember what your job is,

0:20:140:20:20

that is taking a habit a little too far!

0:20:200:20:23

"Sean, what you do?" "Let me just check on my passport.

0:20:230:20:27

"Yeah, I'm a musician."

0:20:270:20:28

Do the girls wait a long time while we're doing the rest of the show?

0:20:300:20:34

Cos I think a number two looks like she's been doodling.

0:20:340:20:37

LAUGHTER

0:20:370:20:39

Number three looks very confident. She's got her leg at a jaunty angle.

0:20:390:20:44

She's got a leg at a jaunty angle?

0:20:440:20:46

It's either at a jaunty angle or its false.

0:20:460:20:50

-And just badly fitted?

-Yeah! I don't know, what do you think?

0:20:500:20:54

-I'm going with number two.

-Number two?

0:20:540:20:56

I don't know what other job or occupation you could be in

0:20:560:21:00

with that kind of hair. I think you'd have to be in a band, don't you?

0:21:000:21:04

But maybe not this band. She might just be in a band,

0:21:040:21:07

and she's come for a nice day out.

0:21:070:21:09

-Number two looks quite coy. It could be number two.

-Jaunty leg!

0:21:090:21:13

-You think it's jaunty leg?

-I said number two, dude.

0:21:130:21:16

-I think number two as well.

-Let's find out.

0:21:160:21:18

Would the real Frances Potter please step forward?

0:21:180:21:21

Agh!

0:21:210:21:23

Well done, Sarah.

0:21:230:21:25

APPLAUSE

0:21:250:21:26

Now working on a new dance track with T&R Productions,

0:21:290:21:32

Frances Potter, ladies and gentleman.

0:21:320:21:34

APPLAUSE

0:21:340:21:39

Phill, Matthew and Harry, what about some '80s synth pop?

0:21:390:21:42

For the audience only, here are the Mobiles.

0:21:420:21:45

# In and out it goes

0:21:450:21:47

# To show me it's cruel

0:21:470:21:50

# My trust in you

0:21:500:21:52

# Berlin is drowning me

0:21:520:21:55

# In and out my mind goes

0:21:550:21:58

# In and out it goes

0:21:580:22:00

# To show me it's cruel

0:22:000:22:02

# My trust in you

0:22:020:22:04

# Drowning in Berlin... #

0:22:040:22:07

That was the Mobiles with Drowning In Berlin,

0:22:070:22:10

but which of our line-up is keyboardist John Smithson?

0:22:100:22:12

Oh, shit, that's a cock-up.

0:22:120:22:14

Those girls weren't supposed to come here -

0:22:140:22:16

you're supposed to go in my dressing room.

0:22:160:22:19

I'll be through in a minute when I've got rid of these guys.

0:22:190:22:22

I'll be there shortly.

0:22:220:22:23

APPLAUSE

0:22:250:22:29

Sorry.

0:22:290:22:31

-Will you be sorting one of them out, just 20% of that lot?

-We'll try.

0:22:310:22:37

I looked in his eyes then, you know what I saw?

0:22:370:22:40

"Tonight, 40%!"

0:22:400:22:43

OK, this is the real lot.

0:22:430:22:45

So, which of our line-up is keyboard player John Smithson?

0:22:450:22:48

-Are you taking this lot to your dressing room too?

-This is all for you, baby.

0:22:480:22:52

So, which of our line-up is keyboard player John Smithson?

0:22:520:22:56

Is it number one, Drowning In Berlin?

0:22:560:22:58

Number two, Drowning His Sorrows?

0:22:580:23:01

Number three, Drowning In The Shallow End?

0:23:010:23:05

Number four, Drowning Cats In A Sack?

0:23:050:23:09

Or number five, Drowning Out The Voices In His Head?

0:23:090:23:12

LAUGHTER

0:23:120:23:17

Number five looks like the Milky Bar Kid's weird hard brother.

0:23:170:23:20

-Come on, let's work our way through.

-Number five's too young.

0:23:230:23:26

-Too young? Good, OK.

-Number one looks quite '80s,

0:23:260:23:28

quite kind of like he's maybe stuck in the '80s.

0:23:280:23:32

I think number three has got the look of a keen fisherman.

0:23:320:23:37

Number two looks a bit like a grown-up baby.

0:23:370:23:40

-Number two looks like a grown-up baby?

-Yeah.

0:23:400:23:43

-As in, like, an adult?

-LAUGHTER

0:23:430:23:46

They all look like adults.

0:23:460:23:49

Four's got a hot date or something, he's shuffling around a lot.

0:23:490:23:52

-He wants to leave.

-It's cos he's standing next to number five.

0:23:520:23:56

-He's nervous. Hold it together, number five.

-I think it's two.

0:23:560:24:00

Because he's popped his collar. He's got a much better jacket.

0:24:000:24:03

-He's brought his own.

-And his shoes are shiny.

0:24:030:24:06

-He's just got pop star written all over him.

-Who do you think, Sarah?

0:24:060:24:09

You can get a double smugness tonight.

0:24:090:24:11

I think it's two.

0:24:110:24:13

-You think it's two?

-Yeah.

0:24:130:24:14

I can't not go with Millican.

0:24:140:24:17

Let's find out. Will the real John Smithson please step forward?

0:24:170:24:22

APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:25

Still writing and composing for various artists, John Smithson, ladies and gentleman.

0:24:250:24:29

APPLAUSE

0:24:290:24:33

We end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first.

0:24:330:24:37

And your time starts now.

0:24:370:24:41

-"Cos I'm moving on up, moving on out."

-# Moving on up... #

0:24:410:24:43

-"Time to break free?"

-# Nothing can stop me. #

-Yeah, exactly.

0:24:430:24:47

By M People, Moving On Up. "You can do all things that you like to do."

0:24:470:24:50

And then tomorrow, do the other 80%.

0:24:500:24:54

Pick A Part That's New, Stereophonics.

0:24:540:24:56

-"It only takes a minute, girl."

-"To fall in love, to fall in love."

0:24:560:25:00

It Only Takes A Minute, Take That. "Goodbye, my lover, goodbye my friend."

0:25:000:25:04

No idea. Sorry.

0:25:040:25:07

"You're beautiful"?

0:25:070:25:09

LAUGHTER

0:25:090:25:13

-Is it, "You've been the one for me"?

-Goodbye, My Lover, James Blunt.

0:25:160:25:19

See, there's another song. She knows the second song.

0:25:190:25:23

There was a second song?

0:25:230:25:25

-"Those three wise men..."

-"You're beautiful."

0:25:250:25:28

LAUGHTER

0:25:280:25:29

Handing it over to Sarah. "Those three wise men..."

0:25:290:25:33

-Um, "Found the baby Jesus"?

-LAUGHTER

0:25:330:25:37

-Something by the sea?

-Semi.

0:25:370:25:39

"Semi by the sea"? What does that lyric mean?

0:25:390:25:42

-That they weren't very hard.

-Right.

0:25:420:25:44

It is a semi-automatic rifle.

0:25:460:25:49

END OF ROUND JINGLE

0:25:490:25:52

Noel's team, you need six points to win.

0:25:570:26:00

-Six? Can't be done.

-Your time starts now.

0:26:000:26:03

-"I like big butts and I cannot lie."

-James Blunt?

0:26:030:26:08

No. No points.

0:26:080:26:11

"You other brothers can deny." I Like Big Butts, Sir Mixalot.

0:26:110:26:15

"My life is brilliant."

0:26:150:26:18

"You're beautiful."

0:26:180:26:19

"My life is pure"?

0:26:190:26:22

Absolutely spot-on. Well done. You're Beautiful, James Blunt.

0:26:220:26:25

I'm total teacher's pet!

0:26:250:26:28

"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got...

0:26:280:26:32

"de goody...goody."

0:26:320:26:34

-LAUGHTER

-I'm going to try that again.

0:26:340:26:37

"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got de goody goody."

0:26:370:26:40

LAUGHTER

0:26:400:26:42

You make ragga sound like the shipping forecast.

0:26:420:26:48

"Wan thing mi tell, Sean Paul, wan shooby shooby."

0:26:480:26:53

"One ting mi haffi tell...dem Dutty...de woody woody."

0:26:530:26:56

One point for you. Like Glue, Sean Paul.

0:26:560:26:58

That was like the football scores!

0:26:580:27:01

"East Fife 4, Dem Shoogy Shoogy 3."

0:27:010:27:05

"Front way, back way, dutty K man have the shooby-shooby."

0:27:090:27:13

LAUGHTER

0:27:130:27:15

"Everton 2."

0:27:150:27:16

-"Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky."

-Absolutely.

0:27:180:27:22

I will translate. That was,

0:27:220:27:24

"Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky."

0:27:240:27:28

Wow!

0:27:280:27:30

END OF ROUND JINGLE

0:27:300:27:34

So, the final score are, Noel's team have six, but Phill's team win

0:27:370:27:41

with seven, which means Phill's team are tonight's winners.

0:27:410:27:45

APPLAUSE

0:27:450:27:48

So that's thank you to Phill, Matthew and Harry,

0:27:510:27:54

Noel, Sean and Sarah. This has been Never Mind The Lovecocks,

0:27:540:27:57

I've been James Blunt. I'm off to see how many models

0:27:570:28:00

I can fuck in a tank... Fit in a tank. Goodnight.

0:28:000:28:03

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:030:28:06

Oh, for God's sake!

0:28:380:28:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:400:28:41

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:410:28:43

Anarchic, award-winning pop quiz.

Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by guest host James Blunt and panellists Harry Judd from Strictly, Sarah Millican, Sean Paul and Matt Crosby.


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