Episode 8 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

NOEL, ECHOING: Blunt? You're not serious?

-PHILL:

-No way can he do it.

-He'll be rubbish.

-Blunt goes, or I go.

-You're useless, Blunt...

-No, no...

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish...

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish...

MUSIC: 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Richard Wagner

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!

No, no, you misunderstand. We want you to host.

OK. That changes things.

Please welcome your host.

It's ex-military, multi-million album selling artist

and international playboy James Blunt!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to the show. I am James Blunt,

and if you're going to throw a strop about it,

I suggest you switch over now. You're still here?

I'll begin. With team captain, Noel Fielding...

Hello.

..he recently claimed his album could

save the world from global recession.

To be fair, the first three tracks are called Slash Greece's Debt,

Impose Austerity Measures

and Recapitalise The IMF. It's Jamaican reggae star Sean Paul.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Like Cheryl Cole, she's from South Shields. Like Cheryl Cole,

she's not a judge on the X Factor. But unlike Cheryl Cole,

she's not above appearing on this show. It's comedian Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And across the way with captain Phill Jupitus,

he's a drummer and star of this year's Strictly Come Dancing,

yet he's still best known as the other one out of McFly.

It's Harry Judd.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He's the compere of the Horsebridge comedy club in Whitstable.

A man who needs no introduction,

if you're a regular of comedy clubs in Whitstable.

-It's comedian Matthew Crosby.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, we begin with Woop, Woop, That's The Sound Of The Police.

Noel, Sarah and Sean, take a look at this.

# I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it... #

Her videos are so raunchy that when they come on, some men have

been known to switch over to the Adult Channel for a rest.

It's Rihanna.

# But chains and whips excite me

# Now come on, come on, come on... #

That was Rihanna with S&M,

but how did Rihanna get in trouble with the New York authorities?

Giving tattoos without a license,

being overly sexual with a traffic cone

-or feeding a hot dog to a police horse?

-What a video.

-Yeah!

I don't know what it means, but I've got an erection.

Is that sexy, then, is it?

Well, it doesn't do anything for me. I mean, I like bananas.

-Unless you're Adele. Apparently, Adele likes her.

-Oh, in that way?

-Yeah, in that way.

-Oh, really? OK.

I'm going to be interpreting tonight for these two!

You should know, because she's worked with you.

-You have an insight.

-Oh, yeah, I know what she's all about.

-What is she about, what does that mean?

-S&M.

-You know what I mean, it speaks for itself.

-I'm more about M&S, I think.

I love M&S. Just for your bits, though, not for your main shop.

Sean, you had trouble with the police yourself.

-Not that I can recall.

-Egypt?

-You were smoking a spliff up an Egyptian pyramid.

-That was true.

-Yes, sir.

-I'd only go up a pyramid if I thought it was a Toblerone.

I was always disappointed that pyramids up close were steps,

weren't they? Cos I imagined they'd be smooth.

And when I saw they were steps, I just thought,

"Oh, fuck that," and went straight home.

You'd brought your BMX as well, you were going to, "Waaay!," down it.

-Exactly.

-So what did she do with the cone?

-Being overly sexual with a traffic cone is an option.

-Overly sexual?

Like, is there an appropriate amount of sexual behaviour

towards a traffic cone?

Like, "That was a bit too much." I thought they were bigger.

Now I've seen it up close, it's probably feasible, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

What way would you put it in?

LAUGHTER

Sideways?

That is quite small. Sometimes when you're drunk,

you can sit on cones and have a rest while you eat your kebab,

but if you sat on that, it'd be straight up you.

I've heard of worse than being sexual with a cone.

Remember Sweaty Betty?

Sweaty Betty, who fit a bus inside? Know that song?

That was on your first album, right? LAUGHTER

-I need to push you for an answer, please.

-Nice legs.

-Very nice legs.

-Her legs are insured for £1 million.

-Each leg?

I think just one. She's got a club foot, she can't be arsed with it.

What makes her legs so special, to be worth that amount of money?

-They're on backwards.

-I bet they don't chafe at the top like mine do.

That's how you know you've got good legs,

when there's enough of them to meet.

-Didn't she get in trouble on a tractor or something?

-On a tractor?

Oh, yeah, cos she's not got a tractor licence, has she?

Apparently, a scarecrow grassed her up.

APPLAUSE

Don't clap that, you idiots! That's a proper joke. I'm going home.

I'll give you the answers again. How did Rihanna get in trouble

with New York authorities? Giving tattoos without a licence,

being overly sexual with a traffic cone

or feeding a hot dog to a police horse?

-Go for your life.

-I think the traffic cone.

-I'm with my team-mates.

-You're pathetic and sordid.

Of course it's not. The correct answer is

she was giving tattoos without a licence.

LAUGHTER

Rihanna got in trouble with New York authorities

when she was found to have tattooed an umbrella on her tattoo artist

without a license. It's desperately sad when a talented singer becomes

associated with just one song.

# You're beautiful... #

I delivered that incredibly badly, I'm sorry. I know my weaknesses.

-I'm a singer.

-Sort of.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Phill, Harry and Matthew, have a look at this.

A woman whose face tells you one thing -

that the normal presenter is on holiday.

It's classically-trained rent-a-presenter Myleene Klass.

# I'll be there for you

# Pure and simple, going to be there... #

Myleene Klass with HearSay. But what did she once steal

from the Pope's summer residence?

Was it a piles cushion, a personalised toilet roll

or the Shroud of Turin?

Looks like they took it from my dressing room. They've got my face.

So, Myleene Klass, I never thought of her as a thieving type.

Or someone who has piles.

Well, no, cos she's had babies, and you get piles

-when you get pregnant, apparently.

-Why's that?

I can only assume that the baby is in there going,

"Bam, bam, let me out, let me out!," punching away at the bottom.

-Hang on, it doesn't come out the bottom!

-I don't know, I've no map!

LAUGHTER

Is this round going to be about obstetrics?

I have got a womb map if you want to borrow it.

-It's like an old treasure map.

-"Go left at the cervix, aaar!

"And then you'll find the double-decker bus."

-NORTH-EAST ACCENT:

-Double Decker!

-I'd rather hear her say "Toblerone".

-Toblerone!

I'd like a Sarah Millican sat nav.

NORTH-EAST ACCENT: "Oh, don't go that way."

LAUGHTER

People always like it when I say "monkey risotto".

-And we got this from Ian Paisley's house.

-I think I'd like somebody

I like on my toilet roll. Then you'd see them all the time.

Yeah, and then rub shit on their face.

-If they were a true friend, they'd take it.

-That's true.

What about Turin Shroud bog paper? That'd be cool, wouldn't it?

If you just bought normal toilet paper

and all of a sudden Jesus's face started appearing!

-I'm putting that on eBay!

-"A monkey making risotto?!"

Like Panini stickers! "Got, got, need, swap...

"Oh, a shiny!" Papal loo roll. It's not going to have his face on it?

It has little strips, and at the bottom it says,

"And now, wash-a your soul!"

Are you confusing the Pope with those Dolmio ads?

Didn't the Pope fall over? Someone pushed him over.

Didn't two of them fall over? Like skittles, one knocked the other over.

-The Pope hit a cardinal, he hit a bishop...

-Eventually one of them

fell into a choirboy, and that was his alibi.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I'm going to push you for an answer.

-Push us all you want, Tank Boy.

-Harry, come on.

-I reckon it's the toilet paper.

-She's got a famous arse.

-Your final answer?

-Yeah.

You're correct. The answer was B. Myleene Klass claims she stole

some of the Pope's own branded toilet paper

and then gave individual sheets away as Christmas presents.

This incident that led to the creation of a famous tongue-twister.

"If there's no paper for the papal poo,

"then the pope has to pop to the shop."

Sean, shall we get you to try that?

If there's no paper for the papal poo,

then the pope has to pop to the shop.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Paul.

-APPLAUSE

-Sarah, can we hear it from you too?

-If there's no paper for the papal...

LAUGHTER

If there's no paper for the papal poo,

then the pope has to pop to the shop.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I was saying to Sean that I had a friend called Jason

who was from Jamaica. Girls used to go, "What's your name?,"

and he used to go, "Jee-ay-sun." And then just immediately get laid.

And as they were walking off to his bedroom, I'd go, "I'm called Noel!"

Next up, it's the Intros round.

-Noel and Sean, here are yours for Sarah.

-Yeah...

-Have you gone blank yet?

-I've definitely gone blank.

You'll have to help me out.

# Er-nee-ner-nee

# Brr-nee-ner nee-ner

-# Brr, ner-nee-ner... #

-I think you have to go higher-pitched.

-Slightly higher.

-I know it's one of those really great...

What is it? Oh...

# Der-ner-ner... #

It's annoying. What is it?

LAUGHTER

I think I know it. I think it's Mr Blunt's song, You're Beautiful.

-Yay!

-You're absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Here's how it should have sounded.

-MUSIC STARTS

-That's enough!

So that was James Cucking Funt with You're Beautiful.

LAUGHTER

A six year-old girl came out of a coma after hearing that song

on hospital radio. It was a beautiful sight until she woke up,

leant forward and screamed, "Turn that shit off!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A lot of people took a dislike to You're Beautiful, but I ask you,

where would we be without that song?

I'm not sure about you, but I'd be in a much, much smaller house.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can we hear the next song, please?

# Da-nah... # Is that it? No? SEAN LAUGHS

Don't look at me like a sort of happier, friendlier Mr T!

LAUGHTER

# Da-neh-da-neh-da-neh-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Da-na-da-na-da-na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# BAH-NA-NA-NA-NA-NUH-NUH

# BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA

# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# wah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Pet, like... # I was doing it in Geordie for you.

LAUGHTER

-Is quite repetitive, isn't it?

-It's the intro.

Do you want to give it another go?

-Just with the actual tune!

-I'm going to try it in Jamaican.

-I'm going to do it in Jamaican.

-Give us a fighting chance!

Jaaay-sun's in the house! LAUGHTER

It doesn't matter. When you put these on, nothing really matters.

In these lenses, it's just a better quiz show than you can actually see.

What is the name I have to say?

-I'll wear these.

-Jason.

NORTH-EAST ACCENT: All right, look here, then,

let's give it another go! Jason!

# Da-ra-da, da-ra-da... #

-# You're beautiful! #

-With those glasses, Noel,

you look like my chemistry teacher.

I love the fact that you've got a chemistry teacher.

Have you come straight from school?

They've kept me back several years.

-How are we looking?

-# Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

That's my favourite bit. I like that it.

# Ah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Ma-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Ba-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-na-na-na

-# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

-Go on, then.

-ALL:

-# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

We don't know. But we really like it. We'll be singing it all the way home.

-It is Stereophonics' Pick A Part That's New.

-Oh.

-Here's how it should have sounded.

-SONG PLAYS

I don't feel so bad now!

-# I've never been here before... #

-So, that was Stereophonics

with Pick A Part That's New.

Kelly says that, despite his hard man image, he's actually very sensitive.

It's the opposite with me. Sure, I sang You're Beautiful,

but cross me and I will fuck you up.

Kelly from the Stereophonics? "People might see me as a hard man?" Who?!

He's like a hobbit in a leather jacket!

-Have you looked in the mirror recently?

-You can talk!

I had to get you a rope ladder for the tank!

Kelly says the band got into music for drink and women.

Similarly, I got into music

-to appear on Sesame Street and Buzzcocks.

-You did Sesame Street?!

-Yeah, baby.

-Oh, man, what was that like?

He did the triangle song, it was amazing.

-Elmo and me, we're tight, thick as thieves.

-Did you meet Elmo?

Absolutely. He was the one who called me to say,

-"Come on the show."

-Have you been to Oscar the Grouch's trash can?

-No.

-Some wild parties there, wild parties.

The only person that'd invite Blunty to a party would be the Count,

because he's the only one posh enough on Sesame Street. "Ah-ha-ha,

"how many people will I have to my party? One, one pop star, ah-ha!"

-Is Mr Snuffaluffagus Sesame Street?

-Yeah, he was Big Bird's best friend.

-And he was imaginary or was he real?

-I think they're all fake.

How dare you?! You'll be telling me Fraggle Rock wasn't real in a minute!

I used to get really frustrated with the elephant, because he'd turn up,

they'd go, "He was here!" When they'd look, he'd be gone.

I'd go, "But he WAS there!"

If only they had Sky+. Just rewound it, "There he was!"

Phill and Harry, here are yours for Matthew.

-Yeah.

-OK. Right?

# Eeeeeeeeee

# Duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga

# Huh-huh-ha-haa, ha-huh-hah-huh. #

LAUGHTER

-Can we hear that one more time? I just need get into that.

-OK.

I think you've been into this enough, from what I understand.

-Oh, you heard about that?

-Yes.

I think the world has heard about you and your dirty penis.

LAUGHTER

Which I'm sure you keep scrupulously clean -

-I mean in the figurative sense.

-I would like to assure our viewers

-that it's absolutely clean.

-LAUGHTER

It's not dirty, that's just camouflage!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I wish it was. You just naturally can't see it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Eeeeeeeeeeee

# Duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga... #

"Get off, James, get off! Stop it, Blunty, stop it!"

-I'm picturing a lady.

-Picture some more.

-Me too.

-So it's girls, it's girls singing together.

-Mmm!

-I don't know why I'm doing this like I'm a medium, channelling this.

-Is it Beyonce?

-No.

Shall we go over to Noel's team? Have you got a clue?

-I think Sarah knows.

-She doesn't.

It was Pussycat Dolls' Beep. Here's how it should have sounded.

SONG PLAYS

# Huh-ha-huh-huh-huh

# Huh-ha-huh-ha

# Huh-ha-huh-huh-huh... #

I stand corrected, Harry.

-How many of them...

-NOEL: Have you touched with your camouflaged penis?!

-20%.

-20%!

LAUGHTER

Have you ever done it in a tank?

LAUGHTER

-Shall we have your next one?

-What are we doing?

Oh, yeah, yeah. One, two, three, four..

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-de-do-de-do

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do-do

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-de-do-de-do

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do-do

# Mm-chk, mm-chk, mm-chk. #

-I know this one.

-Woo-hoo!

Yeah, I know, what a surprise!

You can do it, nerd Jesus!

OK. Is it La Roux, Bulletproof?

-You are absolutely correct.

-Yes!

Here's how it should have sounded.

SONG PLAYS

-What's that?

-That's her hair.

-That's her quiff.

-Oh, yeah.

-Cheat!

-That was a little cheat.

And also, the drummer's a shark.

Scores. At the end of that round, Phill's team has three

-and Noel's team has one.

-APPLAUSE

Round three is the Identity Parade. Noel, Sarah and Sean,

how about some late-'90s girl-group sex... Girl-group pop?

For the audience only, here is Vanilla.

# No way, no way

# Ma-na-ma-na

# No way, no way

# Ma-na-ma-na

# No way, no way

# Ma-na-ma-na

# Not today

# Don't get fresh with me. #

That was Vanilla with No Way, No Way.

But which one of our line-up is singer Frances Potter?

Is it number one, No Way, No Way?

Number two, No Way, Jose?

Number three, No Way Back?

Number four, No Way To Treat A Woman?

Or number five, No Way Of Knowing It Was A Bloke?

LAUGHTER

-You're a musician.

-Yeah. I think so.

I know you smoke a bit, Sean Paul, but to not remember what your job is,

that is taking a habit a little too far!

"Sean, what you do?" "Let me just check on my passport.

"Yeah, I'm a musician."

Do the girls wait a long time while we're doing the rest of the show?

Cos I think a number two looks like she's been doodling.

LAUGHTER

Number three looks very confident. She's got her leg at a jaunty angle.

She's got a leg at a jaunty angle?

It's either at a jaunty angle or its false.

-And just badly fitted?

-Yeah! I don't know, what do you think?

-I'm going with number two.

-Number two?

I don't know what other job or occupation you could be in

with that kind of hair. I think you'd have to be in a band, don't you?

But maybe not this band. She might just be in a band,

and she's come for a nice day out.

-Number two looks quite coy. It could be number two.

-Jaunty leg!

-You think it's jaunty leg?

-I said number two, dude.

-I think number two as well.

-Let's find out.

Would the real Frances Potter please step forward?

Agh!

Well done, Sarah.

APPLAUSE

Now working on a new dance track with T&R Productions,

Frances Potter, ladies and gentleman.

APPLAUSE

Phill, Matthew and Harry, what about some '80s synth pop?

For the audience only, here are the Mobiles.

# In and out it goes

# To show me it's cruel

# My trust in you

# Berlin is drowning me

# In and out my mind goes

# In and out it goes

# To show me it's cruel

# My trust in you

# Drowning in Berlin... #

That was the Mobiles with Drowning In Berlin,

but which of our line-up is keyboardist John Smithson?

Oh, shit, that's a cock-up.

Those girls weren't supposed to come here -

you're supposed to go in my dressing room.

I'll be through in a minute when I've got rid of these guys.

I'll be there shortly.

APPLAUSE

Sorry.

-Will you be sorting one of them out, just 20% of that lot?

-We'll try.

I looked in his eyes then, you know what I saw?

"Tonight, 40%!"

OK, this is the real lot.

So, which of our line-up is keyboard player John Smithson?

-Are you taking this lot to your dressing room too?

-This is all for you, baby.

So, which of our line-up is keyboard player John Smithson?

Is it number one, Drowning In Berlin?

Number two, Drowning His Sorrows?

Number three, Drowning In The Shallow End?

Number four, Drowning Cats In A Sack?

Or number five, Drowning Out The Voices In His Head?

LAUGHTER

Number five looks like the Milky Bar Kid's weird hard brother.

-Come on, let's work our way through.

-Number five's too young.

-Too young? Good, OK.

-Number one looks quite '80s,

quite kind of like he's maybe stuck in the '80s.

I think number three has got the look of a keen fisherman.

Number two looks a bit like a grown-up baby.

-Number two looks like a grown-up baby?

-Yeah.

-As in, like, an adult?

-LAUGHTER

They all look like adults.

Four's got a hot date or something, he's shuffling around a lot.

-He wants to leave.

-It's cos he's standing next to number five.

-He's nervous. Hold it together, number five.

-I think it's two.

Because he's popped his collar. He's got a much better jacket.

-He's brought his own.

-And his shoes are shiny.

-He's just got pop star written all over him.

-Who do you think, Sarah?

You can get a double smugness tonight.

I think it's two.

-You think it's two?

-Yeah.

I can't not go with Millican.

Let's find out. Will the real John Smithson please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Still writing and composing for various artists, John Smithson, ladies and gentleman.

APPLAUSE

We end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first.

And your time starts now.

-"Cos I'm moving on up, moving on out."

-# Moving on up... #

-"Time to break free?"

-# Nothing can stop me. #

-Yeah, exactly.

By M People, Moving On Up. "You can do all things that you like to do."

And then tomorrow, do the other 80%.

Pick A Part That's New, Stereophonics.

-"It only takes a minute, girl."

-"To fall in love, to fall in love."

It Only Takes A Minute, Take That. "Goodbye, my lover, goodbye my friend."

No idea. Sorry.

"You're beautiful"?

LAUGHTER

-Is it, "You've been the one for me"?

-Goodbye, My Lover, James Blunt.

See, there's another song. She knows the second song.

There was a second song?

-"Those three wise men..."

-"You're beautiful."

LAUGHTER

Handing it over to Sarah. "Those three wise men..."

-Um, "Found the baby Jesus"?

-LAUGHTER

-Something by the sea?

-Semi.

"Semi by the sea"? What does that lyric mean?

-That they weren't very hard.

-Right.

It is a semi-automatic rifle.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

Noel's team, you need six points to win.

-Six? Can't be done.

-Your time starts now.

-"I like big butts and I cannot lie."

-James Blunt?

No. No points.

"You other brothers can deny." I Like Big Butts, Sir Mixalot.

"My life is brilliant."

"You're beautiful."

"My life is pure"?

Absolutely spot-on. Well done. You're Beautiful, James Blunt.

I'm total teacher's pet!

"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got...

"de goody...goody."

-LAUGHTER

-I'm going to try that again.

"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got de goody goody."

LAUGHTER

You make ragga sound like the shipping forecast.

"Wan thing mi tell, Sean Paul, wan shooby shooby."

"One ting mi haffi tell...dem Dutty...de woody woody."

One point for you. Like Glue, Sean Paul.

That was like the football scores!

"East Fife 4, Dem Shoogy Shoogy 3."

"Front way, back way, dutty K man have the shooby-shooby."

LAUGHTER

"Everton 2."

-"Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky."

-Absolutely.

I will translate. That was,

"Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky."

Wow!

END OF ROUND JINGLE

So, the final score are, Noel's team have six, but Phill's team win

with seven, which means Phill's team are tonight's winners.

APPLAUSE

So that's thank you to Phill, Matthew and Harry,

Noel, Sean and Sarah. This has been Never Mind The Lovecocks,

I've been James Blunt. I'm off to see how many models

I can fuck in a tank... Fit in a tank. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, for God's sake!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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