Episode 9 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He's the star of the British hip-hop scene.

He's won MOBOs, Brit awards,

Ivor Novellos.

He's sold one and a half million albums,

and he's never been to Scunthorpe!

It's you're host, Tinie Tempah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, and welcome to the party.

On Noel's team tonight,

she's a singer who cites Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston

as her major influences.

Here to make outrageous demands and have an on-screen breakdown,

it's Pixie Lott.

APPLAUSE

Our next guest is so new we haven't got any footage.

Instead, here are people with similar names.

It's not Jimmy Page, its' not Joanna Page, it's not even Elaine Paige.

It's comedian Joey Page.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And on Phill's team tonight...

He's a rapper from Fulham, so presumably his 8 Mile

is that lovely stretch of pubs near the river in Hammersmith.

It's Example.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He's a Geordie comic,

and luckily, now Frankie Cocozza is off the X Factor,

he's been able to get his hair back.

It's Chris Ramsey.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

All right, that's enough, that's enough!

Right, so we're going to start with Guess Who.

I'm going to show you a picture in which we've morphed together

two well-known faces from the world of music.

The teams have to tell me who those faces belong to.

Phill's team first. Whose faces have we morphed?

It does look a little like

Richard Branson's got so much money now

he's just bought tits.

Is no-one going to comment on the weirdness of that beginning?

-I might actually keep this, I might sell some more records.

-Absolutely.

That was the first time I saw an all-black audience

-on Never Mind The Buzzcocks as well.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So this is...

It's Mariah Carey, because I recognise the tits.

It gave me a nightmare for my worst ever Christmas,

when it was just me and my uncle.

That's me and you, Joey!

I'm so rubbish at telling proper jokes that my hat fell off.

That's why he cleans my chimneys!

PHILL: We have here Mariah Carey,

and I believe the other half is Lou Reed, Tinie Tempah.

Let's see if you're right.

You're absolutely right, Phill. It's Lou Reed and Mariah Carey.

APPLAUSE

-Wait, here's another question for you.

-Yeah.

Which of those two played a concert just for dogs

at the Sydney Opera House?

-Did they at least have their owners?

-They couldn't turn up on their own?

Oh, I don't know.

If the ushers were all trained dog whisperers you'd have probably been fine.

Have you never dog-whispered, Tinie Tempah?

-I haven't ever dog-whispered, Phill.

-Put jam on your bollocks they'll do anything you want, like.

I think it is Mariah.

Thinking about it, she sings really, really high.

-EXAMPLE:

-She has a lot of octaves.

-Dogs only hear really high frequencies.

Yeah, dogs and bats. Mariah sings like that

so she doesn't bump into the furniture.

I don't think Lou Reed cares about dogs, I don't think he knows what's going on anymore.

I saw him on Jools Holland and at the end of the song he took his guitar off, like that.

And he had his arm in the air and the camera panned to Jools for about five minutes,

so when it panned back to Lou Reed he still had his arm...

Jools was like, "OK, Lou, you can put your arms down now!"

Lou Reed, everybody!

-It's got to be Mariah Carey.

-Is that your final answer?

Would she not have had mad demands?

Like she wanted them all shaved, or something?

Do the dogs have to be a certain temperature?

Do the dogs have to be 36 degrees?

-How will you find out the dog's temperature?

-You stick your finger up its bum.

I'm fairly sure, Example, that you put a thermometer up its arse, but if you've got that ability...

It would've been those really small dogs, so you could put five in and kept them as gloves.

-AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

-What's wrong?

We don't advocate that.

We are going to show a picture of you like that.

I'll be like this...

It's worse when the dog lands on your finger.

I think if you got that up a dog's bum that's bad,

but if a dog backs into your finger...

that's not acceptable.

You could claim it was an accident.

"Oh, what a doing, it fell into me lubed-up finger. Oh!"

-I need an answer.

-Tinie Tempah, we think it's Mariah Carey.

You're absolutely wrong, guys, believe it or not.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

Lou Reed and his wife played a 20-minute set

especially composed for dogs, right?

The crowd were licking their bollocks, sniffing each other's arses,

shagging everything that moves and shitting everywhere.

It was very much reminiscent of an N-Dubz gig, right?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Can we say that?

I'll be all right, I'll be all right.

-NOEL:

-Dappy sounds a bit like a dog.

I once gauged his temperature.

I imagine if you do do that to Dappy the hat comes off.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to have to move you on. Noel's team, take a look at this.

Wow.

That looks quite scary, doesn't it?

I'm a Goth, I quite fancy that girl.

She's lost a contact lens, I'll tell you that.

It came out when I measured her...temperature!

Is it Keha, but they forgot to blend it with anyone?

I'm so old I thought she was cold Quiche.

LAUGHTER

Apparently Keha gets turned on by coins.

-That is a fact, she said that.

-CHRIS: How would you find that out?

When you can't be bothered to carry change around,

you put it in a cup on the side.

And I saw her climbing up and she sort of...

had her fingers in it. She was like that, "Ooh, ooh."

-You know Keha, don't you?

-When I was about 16 we were writing songs together.

When was that, last month?

I'm 20 now, I'm a big girl.

I feel so much like the Child Catcher right now.

I'll be giving you two a lift home tonight.

On your penny-farthing?

You're going to get a backy.

-She's American, right?

-How do you know she's American?

Oh, she's got a dollar sign in her name.

Imagine if she was European and she had a euro for the E,

and that disappears in about two weeks' time...

and then she just goes, "Shhh..."

-So what was the question again?

-Who were the two people?

Marilyn Manson and Keha.

So why didn't you say that at the beginning?

Tinie, have you got to be somewhere, mate? Do you want to just shove off?

Let's see if you're right.

Way!

APPLAUSE

You're absolutely right. It's Keha and Marilyn Manson.

But which one wears their own placenta around their neck?

The whole thing? Cos they're quite big, cos they've had a baby in them.

Bit like an inflated Space Hopper.

Do you think when Marilyn Manson goes to the opticians,

the optician goes, "OK, this eye now, please"?

And he goes, "G, D, E..."

"That's very good, Mr Manson, now the other eye."

HE GROWLS DEMONICALLY "Satan!"

"And how is it now?"

"G...

"B..."

APPLAUSE

I think we should go by photo evidence and say there could be something at the end of that chain.

Unless he's hiding it.

-Do you work for the FBI?

-CHRIS:

-What does placenta look like?

This is what it looks like.

AUDIENCE: Eugh! That is horrible!

-Do you know what, we got it for you, Pixie!

-No!

No, no, no, no!

Aah!

What have I told you kids about throwing offal around the studio?

Now the bears are going to come.

-NOEL:

-I reckon Marilyn Manson's too obvious,

so I reckon we should go for your friend, yeah?

-Are you happy with that?

-I'm happy with that.

-We're going to go for Quiche.

You're absolutely right, guys. The answer is Keha.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So basically, guys, she claims that her mum found it in her basement,

crushed it up and made it into a necklace

that she wears to improve her psychic abilities.

She's convinced it works, and that she can read people's minds,

but I reckon they're mainly thinking,

"Why have you got a fucking placenta around your neck?"

Next up is my favourite part of the show, it's the intros round.

Phill and Example, here are yours for Chris. Remember...

-IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-..it's the title!

-He's been doing this all day, it's unbelievable.

It's a lovely relaxing accent, you have to understand people enjoy it.

IN GEORDIE ACCENT: It's like putting on a favourite cardigan.

Just do a Geordie version for him. All right?

# Canny-canny canny-canny

# Canny-canny canny-canny

# Canny-canny canny-canny

# Canny-canny canny-canny # Canny-canny canny-canny

# Biker, Biker Grove! #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

If you don't get it, Pixie Lott's going to get it. I can sense that she knows!

-EXAMPLE:

-She knows it!

-I feel like it's on an advert.

-It probably has been on an advert.

-I'm sure you were in the advert

-I wasn't in the advert.

-All right, fair enough.

-It's the only one he wasn't in.

-The only one he wasn't in! Look at you.

Whoa! Look at him making money, the twat!

Chris, if you don't get this I'm going to have to give it over to...

I know, I'm really sorry.

-Is that Girls Aloud or something?

-No.

-Saturdays? IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Sugababes?

-The title!

-Is it something like Freak Like Me?

-Yes, it's Freak Like Me!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Well done, Pixie Lott.

Well done, Noel's team.

You're absolutely right, Pixie.

Here's how it should have sounded, you Newcastle bunch of twats.

MUSIC: Freak Like Me By the Sugababes

# Let me lay it on the line... #

Keisha from the Sugababes

admitted in an interview that she'd never heard of The Doors.

This was of course rectified in 2009,

when she was shown one with an exit sign above it.

APPLAUSE

Ah, everyone's going to hate me after this. Next one.

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo... #

Can I just shoot off, cos...

LAUGHTER

I think I just did.

-It's like a Carry On show tonight.

-I know! What's happened?

It's your face, it's making everyone sexually excited.

-You can't just make your face into a lolly, it's ridiculous.

-Don't do that.

Imagine loads of kids at an ice-cream van.

What are you going to get, a Tinie Tempah?

I've only got enough for a Tinchy Stryder!

It helps you to rap

and to rhyme.

# I'm on Never Mind The Buzzcocks In my... #

I haven't thought this through.

-What did you think it was?

-I thought it was Tetris.

-Oh, I'd love to do Tetris.

-I would.

# Bing bing-bing bing

# Bing bing-bing bing

# Bing bing-bing bing... #

-Tetris!

-Yeah, well done.

-I got it, one point.

# Bing bing-bing bing

# Bing bing-bing bing Bing bing-bing bing... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Any ideas, Chris?

-No.

-All right, Noel's team, what you saying?

-Is it in the same kind of vein, era...

-EXAMPLE:

-Not giving you any clues.

You think you're going to sit there like a sexy panda

and bat your little eyelashes at us

and we're going to tell you that it's Halo by Beyonce.

Well, we're not going to!

It's not Halo by Beyonce?

Yes, correct!

Pixie Lott!

APPLAUSE

Here's how it should've sounded though...

Hands in the air, everybody.

MUSIC: Halo By Beyonce

AUDIENCE CLAPS TO BEAT

So that was Beyonce with Halo.

Jay-Z was in the audience

during Beyonce's famous Glastonbury headline set.

He didn't catch much of the act though, because he was too busy

telling every person in the 175,000-strong crowd,

"I'm shagging that."

-That would've sounded better in your accent actually.

-I'm shagging that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

He could've said it in a posh accent, it would've been much better.

He could've gone, "Yes, I'm making love to that beautiful woman.

"We're going home and we're making love.

"And making sure that she has an orgasm

"at least a fortnight before I do."

-Tinie, when you first came about, right?

-Yeah.

I thought you were called Tony Tempah.

Did you?

Like a mafia boss.

If you want, I could be Tony Tempah, I could be like your hype man.

-Cos all they do is the last word, don't they?

-Yeah.

So I reckon I could do that.

-# Yeah, yeah We'll bring the stars

-out

-# We'll bring the women and the stars

-out... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-We need to get you to Scunthorpe.

-Yeah, what is it with Scunthorpe?

-You've been to Southampton but you've never been to Scunthorpe.

-I've always wanted to go.

If you haven't been to Scunthorpe in the audience, can you please make some noise.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So as you can see, it's pretty much the majority of people...

-JOEY:

-I've got a plan, right?

I'm probably the only person on this show

that's ever been on it and still lived with their mum and dad, right?

But bear with me... Fuck off. Right?

What I was thinking was, after this, all bolt back to mine, right?

We can have an after-party in the conservatory.

My mum said it's all right as long as we...

don't wake her. She's got to work in the curtain shop in the morning.

And then we could just hire a coach and all go to Scunthorpe.

Do you really think it's as easy as that?

All right. Noel and Pixie, here are yours for Joey.

Can we do this in surround sound?

-One of you on each side.

-Do you want to get in the middle?

-OK.

Ready?

# Doo-doo Bah-bah

# Doo-de-loo-de-loo

# Bah-bah Bah-bah

# Doo-de-loo-de-loo

# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun

# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun

# Boom-boom

-# Bah-bah doo-doo

-# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun

# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun

-Do you know what, I know it, but I can't say it.

-Yes?

Phill's team.

Is it I Was Made For Loving You?

Correct! Well done, Chris.

APPLAUSE

It was Kiss, I Was Made For Loving You,

and here is how it should've sounded.

That was pretty good though, by the way.

MUSIC: I Was Made For Loving You By Kiss

So that was Kiss with I Was Made For Loving You.

Gene Simmons has the longest tongue in the music industry.

Apart from the one Louis Walsh has up Simon Cowell's arse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Horny Tempah.

Right, Joey.

Do you know what's going on, do you want your mummy?

She's in the curtain shop, she's coming to get you later.

I feel like I've just stumbled onto a school production of Oliver.

The reason I'm dressed like this is because I'm babysitting for Tim Burton's kids later.

APPLAUSE

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo... #

-Oh, I know it already.

-# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo

-# Doo-doo-doo

-# Ba-ba-deh-be-dah... #

If I get this wrong I've got to sleep in the dog bed tonight.

Where is the dog going to sleep?

On Example's finger!

APPLAUSE

Is it I'm On Fire by Kasabian?

Absolutely not.

-How did you mess that up?

-It's Barbra Streisand.

-What?!

Phill's team gets it.

-What is it?!

-Barbra Streisand!

It was Duck Sauce and Barbra Streisand.

Here's how it should've sounded.

MUSIC: Barbra Streisand By Duck Sauce

# Barbra Streisand. #

Barbra Streisand thanks Liza Minnelli for her big break,

as she convinced her to ignore criticism that she looked funny.

Chin up, Example, things are going to be all right.

What are you doing?! Unbelievable.

Like one of those spoilt kids at a birthday party,

you broke your own toy and then swapped it with mine when I wasn't looking!

-I don't deserve a good one.

-Oh, no!

Joey's that kid at the party that smells a bit weird and doesn't get picked up at the end.

There's always one as well, there's always one.

So Round Three is the identity parade.

Phill, Chris and Example, what about some '80s New Wave pop?

For the audience only, here is Adam Ant.

# Desperate

# But not serious

# Your kisses drive

# Me delirious... #

That was Adam Ant with Desperate But Not Serious.

But which of our line-up is trumpeter Tony Hughes?

Is it Number One, Desperate, But Not So Serious?

Is it Number Two, Desperately Seeking Susan?

Is it Number Three, Desperate For A Wee?

Is it Number Four, Desperate For A Cure?

Or is it Number Five, the Mayor of Scunthorpe.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What number are you?

-I'm the answer.

To be fair, after being in the music industry,

being the Mayor of Scunthorpe is quite a cushy little job.

It's quite a leap that, isn't it? Playing trumpet for Adam Ant -

and also Mayor.

-A man of many talents.

-He can speak as well!

We're not in Scunthorpe now, mate. You don't make the rules. Right? Shut up!

You don't talk to the Mayor like that.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We're having a party at my mum and dad's.

You can come, but a couple of ground rules.

One, we've got to stay in the conservatory,

and B, not make too much noise because my mum's got to work. Want to come?

-And you'll come to Scunthorpe afterwards.

-Defo.

Put me down as a "maybe".

-CHRIS:

-Why should we visit Scunthorpe?

Is it better than Southampton?

Great town, Southampton, but greater still is Scunthorpe.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-He's talking in riddles.

He's talking in riddles.

We'd love to have you up there.

-What's the biggest venue you've got?

-The town hall.

What's on the board, what's the picture?

Scunthorpe!

Are you free to host next week?

You come up to Scunthorpe...

Can you do that bit of your song and just get him to say Scunthorpe when you're supposed to say it?

All right. I've been to Southampton, but I've never been to...

Scunthorpe.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Best thing I've heard all day.

Phill, you'll have to give me an answer

-We'll go for four.

-OK. Let's find out right now.

Will the real Tony Hughes please step forward?

Aaah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now a successful businessman who plays trumpet on the side,

Tony Hughes, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tony Hughes, everybody!

Noel, Pixie and Joey, how about some Noughties boy-band pop?

For the audience only,

from Popstars: The Rivals, it's One True Voice.

# How can I be heard?

# In my heart I am a poet Don't know how to show it

# If only I had Shakespeare's way with words... #

That was One True Voice with Shakespeare's Way With Words.

But which one of our line-up is singer Jamie Shaw?

Is it Number One, Jamie Shaw?

Number Two, Geordie Shaw?

Number Three, Shaw For Men?

Number Four, Are you Shaw?

Or Number Five, Surely Not?

They were the ones who lost out to Girls Aloud.

Yeah, but I liked One True Voice.

Oh, Pixie! I know you've been living on a toadstool in a forest,

but fucking hell!

-Three of them have got flip-flops on.

-Oh, yeah!

-JOEY:

-That is not acceptable.

They must have worn flip-flops, or why would they be in flip-flops?

Athlete's Foot.

Not going to be Singer's Foot being in One True Voice, is it, Phill?

-Go on, touch them.

-Am I allowed?

-Go on, squeeze their nips.

LAUGHTER

-You absolutely are, go for it, Pixie.

-I'll come with you.

Come on then, Beetlejuice, let's get this over with.

Let's skip like we're in the forest.

OK, what do you think? You give 'em a grope and see which one...

-This one is not...smiling!

-No.

-CHRIS:

-Kiss him.

Oh, my God!

AUDIENCE: Aw! He's not doing anything.

You give it a go.

-I think it's Number Two.

-He is pretty handsome, isn't he?

Yeah, but he looks like he was successful for a bit

and then he didn't really know what to do after the band split up,

so he just went, "Yeah, I'm going to go travelling and shit."

-Don't you think that one looks like Olly Murs a bit?

-Kind of.

-Give me your hat.

-Olly Murs...

-Actually... Yeah, that one.

APPLAUSE

I think it's Three, but I think he looks too young to have been in it years ago,

because it was quite a while ago.

LAUGHTER

Are we supposed to be spotting someone from Run-D.M.C. now? Has the game changed?

It's so Number Two.

Look how handsome Number Two is.

-If I was a manager...

-You fancy him, don't you?

-Yeah, a little bit.

What's it got to do with you?!

If I was a boy-band manager, and I was hanging around dark corners going, "Oh, hello, boys!"

"I need a boy band. Oh, Number Two, hello, I've got some flip-flops!"

We need a final answer. Pixie, what do you reckon it is?

I don't know if you're aware of this, but I am the captain of this ship.

You can't just come in here with your charisma and your cool, refreshing smile and easy charm.

And your millions of masks, trying to make friends with the audience.

I've been working here for three years!

All right, we'll give it to Pixie.

-OK, I think it's Three for some reason.

-Let's find out.

Will the real Jamie Shaw please step forward.

CHEERING Yeah! Woo!

APPLAUSE

Now working as a supporting manager for the company that insures me,

-Jamie Shaw, ladies and gentlemen!

-APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, Phill's team has three,

and Noel's team has five.

APPLAUSE

And now, because at the ripe old age of 23 I have my first book out,

this final round is all about famous musical autobiographies.

I'll read some quotes and then from the options I give,

you have to guess whose book it's from.

Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first. The time starts now.

Was that Britney Spears or Marilyn Manson?

-That was Manson.

-Correct.

After we had taken our clothes off,

it soon became clear that Gareth was very inexperienced.

Was that Katie Price or Simon Cowell?

It was Jordan.

Correct, Katie Price, Being Jordan.

Obviously when you sleep with someone,

you want them to tell everyone you're inexperienced.

Absolutely. That's a Jordan thing to do.

Whereas Simon Cowell kept his mouth shut, and I appreciate him for that.

Next one guys.

Was that our very own Phill Jupitus or Jack Dee?

I'm ashamed to say we've had many a bath together and I can't remember.

Too many bubbles, that's my excuse.

Let's go for Jack Dee.

Incorrect, it was Phill Jupitus

with Good Morning Nantwich.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Phill's team, your time starts now.

Was that me or Cliff Richard?

-Sir Cliff Richard.

-Incorrect! It was me, with My Story So Far.

-What do you do for the older female fans?

-You have to buy the book to find out.

How have you got a book? You're 23, it should be a pamphlet.

Example, can you do a good Irish accent?

Oh, hello there, I'm Louis Walsh.

Perfect, well done. All right, when I say, "And said..."

You need to say, "Listen, dye your hair blonde for the next time Simon Cowell comes."

-All right.

-"Louis took me to one side and said..."

"Listen, you got to dye your hair blonde for the next time Simon something..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Was that Olly Murs or Westlife?

-It's got to be Westlife.

-Correct. Westlife, with Our Story.

"I dreamed I was on holiday and a crocodile was in my bathroom

"wearing my Converse trainers.

"I pushed him into a bath

"and the water was boiling and skin came off."

Was that Noel Fielding or Iggy Pop?

Ooh.

Have you ever worn Converse? You wear ladies' shoes, don't you?

How very dare you, Example?

-All right, Iggy.

-Iggy Pop.

Incorrect, it was Noel Fielding, The Scribblings Of A Madcap Shambleton.

I like the name of that book.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

And the final scores are - Phill's team has six,

but this week's winners are Noel's team with eight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks to Phill, Chris and Example,

Noel, Pixie and Joey.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Tinie Tempah.

I'm off to Southampton -

not Scunthorpe though, definitely Southampton.

Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

HE MUMBLES

BANGING AND YELLING

To Scunthorpe, Driver.

TYRES SCREECH