Episode 9 Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Episode 9

Anarchic, award-winning pop quiz. Tinie Tempah guest hosts. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus are joined by Pixie Lott, Example, Chris Ramsey and Joey Page.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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He's the star of the British hip-hop scene.

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He's won MOBOs, Brit awards,

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Ivor Novellos.

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He's sold one and a half million albums,

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and he's never been to Scunthorpe!

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It's you're host, Tinie Tempah!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, and welcome to the party.

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On Noel's team tonight,

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she's a singer who cites Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston

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as her major influences.

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Here to make outrageous demands and have an on-screen breakdown,

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it's Pixie Lott.

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APPLAUSE

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Our next guest is so new we haven't got any footage.

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Instead, here are people with similar names.

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It's not Jimmy Page, its' not Joanna Page, it's not even Elaine Paige.

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It's comedian Joey Page.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And on Phill's team tonight...

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He's a rapper from Fulham, so presumably his 8 Mile

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is that lovely stretch of pubs near the river in Hammersmith.

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It's Example.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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He's a Geordie comic,

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and luckily, now Frankie Cocozza is off the X Factor,

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he's been able to get his hair back.

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It's Chris Ramsey.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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All right, that's enough, that's enough!

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Right, so we're going to start with Guess Who.

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I'm going to show you a picture in which we've morphed together

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two well-known faces from the world of music.

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The teams have to tell me who those faces belong to.

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Phill's team first. Whose faces have we morphed?

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It does look a little like

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Richard Branson's got so much money now

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he's just bought tits.

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Is no-one going to comment on the weirdness of that beginning?

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-I might actually keep this, I might sell some more records.

-Absolutely.

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That was the first time I saw an all-black audience

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-on Never Mind The Buzzcocks as well.

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So this is...

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It's Mariah Carey, because I recognise the tits.

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It gave me a nightmare for my worst ever Christmas,

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when it was just me and my uncle.

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That's me and you, Joey!

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I'm so rubbish at telling proper jokes that my hat fell off.

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That's why he cleans my chimneys!

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PHILL: We have here Mariah Carey,

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and I believe the other half is Lou Reed, Tinie Tempah.

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Let's see if you're right.

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You're absolutely right, Phill. It's Lou Reed and Mariah Carey.

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APPLAUSE

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-Wait, here's another question for you.

-Yeah.

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Which of those two played a concert just for dogs

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at the Sydney Opera House?

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-Did they at least have their owners?

-They couldn't turn up on their own?

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Oh, I don't know.

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If the ushers were all trained dog whisperers you'd have probably been fine.

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Have you never dog-whispered, Tinie Tempah?

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-I haven't ever dog-whispered, Phill.

-Put jam on your bollocks they'll do anything you want, like.

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I think it is Mariah.

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Thinking about it, she sings really, really high.

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-EXAMPLE:

-She has a lot of octaves.

-Dogs only hear really high frequencies.

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Yeah, dogs and bats. Mariah sings like that

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so she doesn't bump into the furniture.

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I don't think Lou Reed cares about dogs, I don't think he knows what's going on anymore.

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I saw him on Jools Holland and at the end of the song he took his guitar off, like that.

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And he had his arm in the air and the camera panned to Jools for about five minutes,

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so when it panned back to Lou Reed he still had his arm...

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Jools was like, "OK, Lou, you can put your arms down now!"

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Lou Reed, everybody!

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-It's got to be Mariah Carey.

-Is that your final answer?

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Would she not have had mad demands?

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Like she wanted them all shaved, or something?

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Do the dogs have to be a certain temperature?

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Do the dogs have to be 36 degrees?

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-How will you find out the dog's temperature?

-You stick your finger up its bum.

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I'm fairly sure, Example, that you put a thermometer up its arse, but if you've got that ability...

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It would've been those really small dogs, so you could put five in and kept them as gloves.

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-AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

-What's wrong?

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We don't advocate that.

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We are going to show a picture of you like that.

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I'll be like this...

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It's worse when the dog lands on your finger.

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I think if you got that up a dog's bum that's bad,

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but if a dog backs into your finger...

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that's not acceptable.

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You could claim it was an accident.

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"Oh, what a doing, it fell into me lubed-up finger. Oh!"

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-I need an answer.

-Tinie Tempah, we think it's Mariah Carey.

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You're absolutely wrong, guys, believe it or not.

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AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

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Lou Reed and his wife played a 20-minute set

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especially composed for dogs, right?

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The crowd were licking their bollocks, sniffing each other's arses,

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shagging everything that moves and shitting everywhere.

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It was very much reminiscent of an N-Dubz gig, right?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Can we say that?

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I'll be all right, I'll be all right.

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-NOEL:

-Dappy sounds a bit like a dog.

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I once gauged his temperature.

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I imagine if you do do that to Dappy the hat comes off.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going to have to move you on. Noel's team, take a look at this.

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Wow.

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That looks quite scary, doesn't it?

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I'm a Goth, I quite fancy that girl.

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She's lost a contact lens, I'll tell you that.

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It came out when I measured her...temperature!

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Is it Keha, but they forgot to blend it with anyone?

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I'm so old I thought she was cold Quiche.

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently Keha gets turned on by coins.

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-That is a fact, she said that.

-CHRIS: How would you find that out?

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When you can't be bothered to carry change around,

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you put it in a cup on the side.

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And I saw her climbing up and she sort of...

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had her fingers in it. She was like that, "Ooh, ooh."

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-You know Keha, don't you?

-When I was about 16 we were writing songs together.

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When was that, last month?

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I'm 20 now, I'm a big girl.

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I feel so much like the Child Catcher right now.

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I'll be giving you two a lift home tonight.

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On your penny-farthing?

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You're going to get a backy.

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-She's American, right?

-How do you know she's American?

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Oh, she's got a dollar sign in her name.

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Imagine if she was European and she had a euro for the E,

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and that disappears in about two weeks' time...

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and then she just goes, "Shhh..."

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-So what was the question again?

-Who were the two people?

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Marilyn Manson and Keha.

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So why didn't you say that at the beginning?

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Tinie, have you got to be somewhere, mate? Do you want to just shove off?

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Let's see if you're right.

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Way!

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APPLAUSE

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You're absolutely right. It's Keha and Marilyn Manson.

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But which one wears their own placenta around their neck?

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The whole thing? Cos they're quite big, cos they've had a baby in them.

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Bit like an inflated Space Hopper.

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Do you think when Marilyn Manson goes to the opticians,

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the optician goes, "OK, this eye now, please"?

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And he goes, "G, D, E..."

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"That's very good, Mr Manson, now the other eye."

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HE GROWLS DEMONICALLY "Satan!"

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"And how is it now?"

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"G...

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"B..."

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APPLAUSE

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I think we should go by photo evidence and say there could be something at the end of that chain.

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Unless he's hiding it.

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-Do you work for the FBI?

-CHRIS:

-What does placenta look like?

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This is what it looks like.

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AUDIENCE: Eugh! That is horrible!

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-Do you know what, we got it for you, Pixie!

-No!

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No, no, no, no!

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Aah!

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What have I told you kids about throwing offal around the studio?

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Now the bears are going to come.

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-NOEL:

-I reckon Marilyn Manson's too obvious,

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so I reckon we should go for your friend, yeah?

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-Are you happy with that?

-I'm happy with that.

-We're going to go for Quiche.

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You're absolutely right, guys. The answer is Keha.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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So basically, guys, she claims that her mum found it in her basement,

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crushed it up and made it into a necklace

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that she wears to improve her psychic abilities.

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She's convinced it works, and that she can read people's minds,

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but I reckon they're mainly thinking,

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"Why have you got a fucking placenta around your neck?"

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Next up is my favourite part of the show, it's the intros round.

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Phill and Example, here are yours for Chris. Remember...

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-IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-..it's the title!

-He's been doing this all day, it's unbelievable.

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It's a lovely relaxing accent, you have to understand people enjoy it.

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IN GEORDIE ACCENT: It's like putting on a favourite cardigan.

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Just do a Geordie version for him. All right?

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# Canny-canny canny-canny

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# Canny-canny canny-canny

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# Canny-canny canny-canny

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# Canny-canny canny-canny # Canny-canny canny-canny

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# Biker, Biker Grove! #

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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If you don't get it, Pixie Lott's going to get it. I can sense that she knows!

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-EXAMPLE:

-She knows it!

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-I feel like it's on an advert.

-It probably has been on an advert.

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-I'm sure you were in the advert

-I wasn't in the advert.

-All right, fair enough.

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-It's the only one he wasn't in.

-The only one he wasn't in! Look at you.

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Whoa! Look at him making money, the twat!

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Chris, if you don't get this I'm going to have to give it over to...

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I know, I'm really sorry.

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-Is that Girls Aloud or something?

-No.

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-Saturdays? IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Sugababes?

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-The title!

-Is it something like Freak Like Me?

-Yes, it's Freak Like Me!

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-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Well done, Pixie Lott.

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Well done, Noel's team.

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You're absolutely right, Pixie.

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Here's how it should have sounded, you Newcastle bunch of twats.

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MUSIC: Freak Like Me By the Sugababes

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# Let me lay it on the line... #

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Keisha from the Sugababes

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admitted in an interview that she'd never heard of The Doors.

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This was of course rectified in 2009,

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when she was shown one with an exit sign above it.

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APPLAUSE

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Ah, everyone's going to hate me after this. Next one.

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

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# Doo-doo-doo-doo... #

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Can I just shoot off, cos...

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LAUGHTER

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I think I just did.

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-It's like a Carry On show tonight.

-I know! What's happened?

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It's your face, it's making everyone sexually excited.

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-You can't just make your face into a lolly, it's ridiculous.

-Don't do that.

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Imagine loads of kids at an ice-cream van.

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What are you going to get, a Tinie Tempah?

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I've only got enough for a Tinchy Stryder!

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It helps you to rap

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and to rhyme.

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# I'm on Never Mind The Buzzcocks In my... #

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I haven't thought this through.

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-What did you think it was?

-I thought it was Tetris.

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-Oh, I'd love to do Tetris.

-I would.

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# Bing bing-bing bing

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# Bing bing-bing bing

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# Bing bing-bing bing... #

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-Tetris!

-Yeah, well done.

-I got it, one point.

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# Bing bing-bing bing

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# Bing bing-bing bing Bing bing-bing bing... #

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Any ideas, Chris?

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-No.

-All right, Noel's team, what you saying?

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-Is it in the same kind of vein, era...

-EXAMPLE:

-Not giving you any clues.

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You think you're going to sit there like a sexy panda

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and bat your little eyelashes at us

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and we're going to tell you that it's Halo by Beyonce.

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Well, we're not going to!

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It's not Halo by Beyonce?

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Yes, correct!

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Pixie Lott!

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APPLAUSE

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Here's how it should've sounded though...

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Hands in the air, everybody.

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MUSIC: Halo By Beyonce

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AUDIENCE CLAPS TO BEAT

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So that was Beyonce with Halo.

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Jay-Z was in the audience

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during Beyonce's famous Glastonbury headline set.

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He didn't catch much of the act though, because he was too busy

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telling every person in the 175,000-strong crowd,

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"I'm shagging that."

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-That would've sounded better in your accent actually.

-I'm shagging that.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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He could've said it in a posh accent, it would've been much better.

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He could've gone, "Yes, I'm making love to that beautiful woman.

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"We're going home and we're making love.

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"And making sure that she has an orgasm

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"at least a fortnight before I do."

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-Tinie, when you first came about, right?

-Yeah.

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I thought you were called Tony Tempah.

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Did you?

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Like a mafia boss.

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If you want, I could be Tony Tempah, I could be like your hype man.

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-Cos all they do is the last word, don't they?

-Yeah.

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So I reckon I could do that.

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-# Yeah, yeah We'll bring the stars

-out

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-# We'll bring the women and the stars

-out... #

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-We need to get you to Scunthorpe.

-Yeah, what is it with Scunthorpe?

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-You've been to Southampton but you've never been to Scunthorpe.

-I've always wanted to go.

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If you haven't been to Scunthorpe in the audience, can you please make some noise.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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So as you can see, it's pretty much the majority of people...

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-JOEY:

-I've got a plan, right?

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I'm probably the only person on this show

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that's ever been on it and still lived with their mum and dad, right?

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But bear with me... Fuck off. Right?

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What I was thinking was, after this, all bolt back to mine, right?

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We can have an after-party in the conservatory.

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My mum said it's all right as long as we...

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don't wake her. She's got to work in the curtain shop in the morning.

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And then we could just hire a coach and all go to Scunthorpe.

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Do you really think it's as easy as that?

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All right. Noel and Pixie, here are yours for Joey.

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Can we do this in surround sound?

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-One of you on each side.

-Do you want to get in the middle?

-OK.

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Ready?

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# Doo-doo Bah-bah

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# Doo-de-loo-de-loo

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# Bah-bah Bah-bah

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# Doo-de-loo-de-loo

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# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun

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# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun

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# Boom-boom

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-# Bah-bah doo-doo

-# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun

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# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun

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-Do you know what, I know it, but I can't say it.

-Yes?

0:15:300:15:36

Phill's team.

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Is it I Was Made For Loving You?

0:15:380:15:40

Correct! Well done, Chris.

0:15:400:15:42

APPLAUSE

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It was Kiss, I Was Made For Loving You,

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and here is how it should've sounded.

0:15:470:15:49

That was pretty good though, by the way.

0:15:490:15:51

MUSIC: I Was Made For Loving You By Kiss

0:15:510:15:54

So that was Kiss with I Was Made For Loving You.

0:16:100:16:12

Gene Simmons has the longest tongue in the music industry.

0:16:120:16:16

Apart from the one Louis Walsh has up Simon Cowell's arse.

0:16:160:16:20

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:200:16:22

Come on, Horny Tempah.

0:16:260:16:27

Right, Joey.

0:16:270:16:29

Do you know what's going on, do you want your mummy?

0:16:290:16:31

She's in the curtain shop, she's coming to get you later.

0:16:340:16:37

I feel like I've just stumbled onto a school production of Oliver.

0:16:370:16:41

The reason I'm dressed like this is because I'm babysitting for Tim Burton's kids later.

0:16:450:16:50

APPLAUSE

0:16:500:16:52

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo... #

0:16:540:16:57

-Oh, I know it already.

-# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo

0:16:570:17:00

-# Doo-doo-doo

-# Ba-ba-deh-be-dah... #

0:17:000:17:03

If I get this wrong I've got to sleep in the dog bed tonight.

0:17:030:17:07

Where is the dog going to sleep?

0:17:070:17:09

On Example's finger!

0:17:090:17:10

APPLAUSE

0:17:120:17:15

Is it I'm On Fire by Kasabian?

0:17:160:17:19

Absolutely not.

0:17:190:17:20

-How did you mess that up?

-It's Barbra Streisand.

-What?!

0:17:220:17:26

Phill's team gets it.

0:17:260:17:27

-What is it?!

-Barbra Streisand!

0:17:270:17:29

It was Duck Sauce and Barbra Streisand.

0:17:290:17:31

Here's how it should've sounded.

0:17:310:17:33

MUSIC: Barbra Streisand By Duck Sauce

0:17:330:17:36

# Barbra Streisand. #

0:17:390:17:42

Barbra Streisand thanks Liza Minnelli for her big break,

0:17:440:17:47

as she convinced her to ignore criticism that she looked funny.

0:17:470:17:51

Chin up, Example, things are going to be all right.

0:17:510:17:55

What are you doing?! Unbelievable.

0:17:550:17:58

Like one of those spoilt kids at a birthday party,

0:17:580:18:00

you broke your own toy and then swapped it with mine when I wasn't looking!

0:18:000:18:04

-I don't deserve a good one.

-Oh, no!

0:18:040:18:07

Joey's that kid at the party that smells a bit weird and doesn't get picked up at the end.

0:18:090:18:14

There's always one as well, there's always one.

0:18:180:18:21

So Round Three is the identity parade.

0:18:210:18:23

Phill, Chris and Example, what about some '80s New Wave pop?

0:18:230:18:27

For the audience only, here is Adam Ant.

0:18:270:18:30

# Desperate

0:18:300:18:33

# But not serious

0:18:330:18:36

# Your kisses drive

0:18:360:18:39

# Me delirious... #

0:18:390:18:43

That was Adam Ant with Desperate But Not Serious.

0:18:430:18:47

But which of our line-up is trumpeter Tony Hughes?

0:18:470:18:51

Is it Number One, Desperate, But Not So Serious?

0:18:510:18:54

Is it Number Two, Desperately Seeking Susan?

0:18:570:19:00

Is it Number Three, Desperate For A Wee?

0:19:010:19:04

Is it Number Four, Desperate For A Cure?

0:19:050:19:08

Or is it Number Five, the Mayor of Scunthorpe.

0:19:090:19:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:110:19:15

-What number are you?

-I'm the answer.

0:19:180:19:20

To be fair, after being in the music industry,

0:19:200:19:23

being the Mayor of Scunthorpe is quite a cushy little job.

0:19:230:19:26

It's quite a leap that, isn't it? Playing trumpet for Adam Ant -

0:19:260:19:30

and also Mayor.

0:19:300:19:31

-A man of many talents.

-He can speak as well!

0:19:310:19:34

We're not in Scunthorpe now, mate. You don't make the rules. Right? Shut up!

0:19:340:19:39

You don't talk to the Mayor like that.

0:19:390:19:41

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:19:440:19:46

We're having a party at my mum and dad's.

0:19:470:19:50

You can come, but a couple of ground rules.

0:19:500:19:52

One, we've got to stay in the conservatory,

0:19:520:19:54

and B, not make too much noise because my mum's got to work. Want to come?

0:19:540:19:58

-And you'll come to Scunthorpe afterwards.

-Defo.

0:19:580:20:00

Put me down as a "maybe".

0:20:000:20:02

-CHRIS:

-Why should we visit Scunthorpe?

0:20:020:20:05

Is it better than Southampton?

0:20:050:20:06

Great town, Southampton, but greater still is Scunthorpe.

0:20:060:20:10

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-He's talking in riddles.

0:20:100:20:14

He's talking in riddles.

0:20:140:20:16

We'd love to have you up there.

0:20:160:20:18

-What's the biggest venue you've got?

-The town hall.

0:20:180:20:21

What's on the board, what's the picture?

0:20:210:20:24

Scunthorpe!

0:20:240:20:25

Are you free to host next week?

0:20:270:20:29

You come up to Scunthorpe...

0:20:290:20:33

Can you do that bit of your song and just get him to say Scunthorpe when you're supposed to say it?

0:20:330:20:37

All right. I've been to Southampton, but I've never been to...

0:20:370:20:41

Scunthorpe.

0:20:410:20:43

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:430:20:46

Best thing I've heard all day.

0:20:460:20:49

Phill, you'll have to give me an answer

0:20:490:20:51

-We'll go for four.

-OK. Let's find out right now.

0:20:510:20:53

Will the real Tony Hughes please step forward?

0:20:530:20:56

Aaah!

0:20:560:20:58

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:21:000:21:03

Now a successful businessman who plays trumpet on the side,

0:21:030:21:07

Tony Hughes, ladies and gentlemen!

0:21:070:21:09

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:21:090:21:13

Tony Hughes, everybody!

0:21:130:21:14

Noel, Pixie and Joey, how about some Noughties boy-band pop?

0:21:160:21:21

For the audience only,

0:21:210:21:22

from Popstars: The Rivals, it's One True Voice.

0:21:220:21:25

# How can I be heard?

0:21:250:21:28

# In my heart I am a poet Don't know how to show it

0:21:280:21:32

# If only I had Shakespeare's way with words... #

0:21:320:21:39

That was One True Voice with Shakespeare's Way With Words.

0:21:390:21:42

But which one of our line-up is singer Jamie Shaw?

0:21:420:21:45

Is it Number One, Jamie Shaw?

0:21:450:21:48

Number Two, Geordie Shaw?

0:21:480:21:50

Number Three, Shaw For Men?

0:21:520:21:54

Number Four, Are you Shaw?

0:21:550:21:57

Or Number Five, Surely Not?

0:21:580:22:01

They were the ones who lost out to Girls Aloud.

0:22:020:22:05

Yeah, but I liked One True Voice.

0:22:050:22:06

Oh, Pixie! I know you've been living on a toadstool in a forest,

0:22:060:22:10

but fucking hell!

0:22:100:22:12

-Three of them have got flip-flops on.

-Oh, yeah!

0:22:140:22:17

-JOEY:

-That is not acceptable.

0:22:170:22:19

They must have worn flip-flops, or why would they be in flip-flops?

0:22:190:22:22

Athlete's Foot.

0:22:220:22:26

Not going to be Singer's Foot being in One True Voice, is it, Phill?

0:22:260:22:31

-Go on, touch them.

-Am I allowed?

-Go on, squeeze their nips.

0:22:310:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:36

-You absolutely are, go for it, Pixie.

-I'll come with you.

0:22:360:22:38

Come on then, Beetlejuice, let's get this over with.

0:22:380:22:41

Let's skip like we're in the forest.

0:22:410:22:43

OK, what do you think? You give 'em a grope and see which one...

0:22:450:22:48

-This one is not...smiling!

-No.

0:22:480:22:51

-CHRIS:

-Kiss him.

0:22:550:22:56

Oh, my God!

0:22:570:22:59

AUDIENCE: Aw! He's not doing anything.

0:23:010:23:03

You give it a go.

0:23:030:23:04

-I think it's Number Two.

-He is pretty handsome, isn't he?

0:23:060:23:09

Yeah, but he looks like he was successful for a bit

0:23:090:23:12

and then he didn't really know what to do after the band split up,

0:23:120:23:16

so he just went, "Yeah, I'm going to go travelling and shit."

0:23:160:23:19

-Don't you think that one looks like Olly Murs a bit?

-Kind of.

0:23:190:23:23

-Give me your hat.

-Olly Murs...

-Actually... Yeah, that one.

0:23:230:23:26

APPLAUSE

0:23:320:23:34

I think it's Three, but I think he looks too young to have been in it years ago,

0:23:360:23:39

because it was quite a while ago.

0:23:390:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:43

Are we supposed to be spotting someone from Run-D.M.C. now? Has the game changed?

0:23:460:23:51

It's so Number Two.

0:23:510:23:53

Look how handsome Number Two is.

0:23:530:23:54

-If I was a manager...

-You fancy him, don't you?

-Yeah, a little bit.

0:23:540:23:58

What's it got to do with you?!

0:23:580:24:01

If I was a boy-band manager, and I was hanging around dark corners going, "Oh, hello, boys!"

0:24:010:24:07

"I need a boy band. Oh, Number Two, hello, I've got some flip-flops!"

0:24:070:24:14

We need a final answer. Pixie, what do you reckon it is?

0:24:140:24:16

I don't know if you're aware of this, but I am the captain of this ship.

0:24:160:24:20

You can't just come in here with your charisma and your cool, refreshing smile and easy charm.

0:24:200:24:26

And your millions of masks, trying to make friends with the audience.

0:24:260:24:30

I've been working here for three years!

0:24:300:24:33

All right, we'll give it to Pixie.

0:24:330:24:35

-OK, I think it's Three for some reason.

-Let's find out.

0:24:350:24:37

Will the real Jamie Shaw please step forward.

0:24:370:24:40

CHEERING Yeah! Woo!

0:24:410:24:44

APPLAUSE

0:24:440:24:46

Now working as a supporting manager for the company that insures me,

0:24:460:24:51

-Jamie Shaw, ladies and gentlemen!

-APPLAUSE

0:24:510:24:53

And at the end of that round, Phill's team has three,

0:24:570:25:00

and Noel's team has five.

0:25:000:25:01

APPLAUSE

0:25:010:25:04

And now, because at the ripe old age of 23 I have my first book out,

0:25:060:25:10

this final round is all about famous musical autobiographies.

0:25:100:25:14

I'll read some quotes and then from the options I give,

0:25:140:25:16

you have to guess whose book it's from.

0:25:160:25:18

Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first. The time starts now.

0:25:180:25:23

Was that Britney Spears or Marilyn Manson?

0:25:280:25:31

-That was Manson.

-Correct.

0:25:310:25:33

After we had taken our clothes off,

0:25:360:25:38

it soon became clear that Gareth was very inexperienced.

0:25:380:25:41

Was that Katie Price or Simon Cowell?

0:25:410:25:44

It was Jordan.

0:25:470:25:48

Correct, Katie Price, Being Jordan.

0:25:480:25:50

Obviously when you sleep with someone,

0:25:500:25:52

you want them to tell everyone you're inexperienced.

0:25:520:25:55

Absolutely. That's a Jordan thing to do.

0:25:550:25:57

Whereas Simon Cowell kept his mouth shut, and I appreciate him for that.

0:25:570:26:01

Next one guys.

0:26:010:26:02

Was that our very own Phill Jupitus or Jack Dee?

0:26:080:26:12

I'm ashamed to say we've had many a bath together and I can't remember.

0:26:120:26:17

Too many bubbles, that's my excuse.

0:26:170:26:19

Let's go for Jack Dee.

0:26:190:26:20

Incorrect, it was Phill Jupitus

0:26:200:26:22

with Good Morning Nantwich.

0:26:220:26:24

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:26:240:26:27

Phill's team, your time starts now.

0:26:290:26:32

Was that me or Cliff Richard?

0:26:360:26:38

-Sir Cliff Richard.

-Incorrect! It was me, with My Story So Far.

0:26:380:26:42

-What do you do for the older female fans?

-You have to buy the book to find out.

0:26:420:26:45

How have you got a book? You're 23, it should be a pamphlet.

0:26:450:26:50

Example, can you do a good Irish accent?

0:26:500:26:53

Oh, hello there, I'm Louis Walsh.

0:26:530:26:55

Perfect, well done. All right, when I say, "And said..."

0:26:550:26:58

You need to say, "Listen, dye your hair blonde for the next time Simon Cowell comes."

0:26:580:27:03

-All right.

-"Louis took me to one side and said..."

0:27:030:27:05

"Listen, you got to dye your hair blonde for the next time Simon something..."

0:27:050:27:09

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:090:27:12

Was that Olly Murs or Westlife?

0:27:130:27:15

-It's got to be Westlife.

-Correct. Westlife, with Our Story.

0:27:150:27:18

"I dreamed I was on holiday and a crocodile was in my bathroom

0:27:210:27:25

"wearing my Converse trainers.

0:27:250:27:27

"I pushed him into a bath

0:27:270:27:28

"and the water was boiling and skin came off."

0:27:280:27:32

Was that Noel Fielding or Iggy Pop?

0:27:320:27:34

Ooh.

0:27:340:27:35

Have you ever worn Converse? You wear ladies' shoes, don't you?

0:27:350:27:38

How very dare you, Example?

0:27:380:27:40

-All right, Iggy.

-Iggy Pop.

0:27:420:27:43

Incorrect, it was Noel Fielding, The Scribblings Of A Madcap Shambleton.

0:27:430:27:47

I like the name of that book.

0:27:470:27:50

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:27:500:27:53

And the final scores are - Phill's team has six,

0:27:550:27:57

but this week's winners are Noel's team with eight!

0:27:570:28:00

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:000:28:02

Thanks to Phill, Chris and Example,

0:28:070:28:09

Noel, Pixie and Joey.

0:28:090:28:11

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Tinie Tempah.

0:28:110:28:14

I'm off to Southampton -

0:28:140:28:15

not Scunthorpe though, definitely Southampton.

0:28:150:28:18

Good night!

0:28:180:28:19

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:190:28:23

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:260:28:31

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:310:28:35

HE MUMBLES

0:28:480:28:50

BANGING AND YELLING

0:28:510:28:54

To Scunthorpe, Driver.

0:28:550:28:58

TYRES SCREECH

0:28:580:29:00

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