Episode 10 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Not Dappy!

Fieldmouse, what happened last night?

I can't remember anything after Cilla's house!

Is that a gimp?!

-Morning, boys!

-How are you still alive after last night?

Because I'm showbiz, you pussies!

Anyone for champoo?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Miss Cilla Black!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How great is this?!

Ah! Hello, and welcome to the Buzzcocks!

It's lovely to be here. Mind you, at my age, it's lovely to be anywhere!

Let's see who you'll be enjoying tonight,

with the lovely Phill Jupitus!

Will it be contestant number one, our hip-hop duo from Brighton?

Will you let them "rap" you up and take you home

or will you "rizzle kick" them to the kerb?

It's Rizzle Kicks!

WHISTLING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Or will it be contestant number two? She's a lady comedian from London

but will she tickle your funny bone?

It's Tiffany Stevenson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with the gorgeous Noel Fielding...

Will it be contestant number three?

I like nothing more than waking up to this lady.

It's the host of This Morning, Holly Willoughby!

# You don't know-o-ow

# You don't know you're beautiful... #

Or will it be contestant number four, our burger-van vendor from Greece?

He'd like to flip you over and serve you his quarter-pounder with cheese.

It's Angelos Epithemiou.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's begin with "Tonight, We Are Going To Party Like It's..."

Oh...put whatever date in you want to.

Phill, Rizzle Kicks and Tiffany, have a look at this.

# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight

# Rising up to the challenge of our rival

# And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night... #

# Do you really want to hurt me?

# Do you really want to make me cry? #

# Come on, Eileen

# Oh, I swear what he means

# At this moment, you mean everything... #

OK, Phill's team, which year do you think that was?

I don't know what year it is but I think Noel is in the background, playing a stick.

Oh yeah!

-What is that instrument?

-A stick!

So we had Survivor, with Eye Of The Tiger...

-Boy George...

-Yeah.

-With a slightly disturbing courtroom scene.

-My auntie was in that, I saw her dancing in the background.

-What year did she dance with Culture Club?

-I think I just made that up for comedic value.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Cilla, I've got a compliment for you. My mum was so excited

when I said I was doing this, she said, "Tell Cilla she's got great legs. I'd love Cilla's legs!"

Well, tell your mother I've had them lagged!

I saw your disco tits when you did the Royal Variety Performance!

Oh, my God!

That was a long time ago, and I was playing a part!

Paul O'Grady talked me into it, to get the lallies out.

LAUGHTER

-The lallies are legs, by the way!

-Oh! I thought they were your boobs!

No, I've never had any boobs.

Dear Frankie Howerd used to say

I was the only girl he knew with two backs.

Ahhh! That's not nice!

What year?

-I think it's '82.

-He's right! Yes!

APPLAUSE

Indeed it was 1982

but why was Snoop Dogg expelled from a school for high achievers in that year?

Was it the gluing his teacher's legs together?

For building a bong in art?

Or for exposing himself in the lunch queue?

From what I understand of Snoop Dogg, having seen him online,

I think he'd need a queue to expose himself to.

Really? What are you talking about?

His enormous cock!

Oh, my God!

-I've gone all funny now!

-The young man asked, I had to tell him.

I didn't...oh yeah, I did.

In Rizzle Kicks' biog last night, I was reading all about you kids.

-Who made the mistake over the menstrual cycle?

-I wanted to say,

in terms of chocolate, I like Minstrels.

But I said, "I like menstruals."

LAUGHTER

They're only available once a month.

I'll be a nervous wreck by the time this show is over!

-We think it was a bong.

-You're wrong!

At the age of 11, Snoop Dogg was expelled from a school for high achievers

for exposing himself to a girl in the lunch queue.

I think it was a case of...

# Surprise, surprise!

# The unexpected hits you between the eyes... #

The things I have to do for money!

Noel's team, have a look at this.

# I'm a firestarter Twisted firestarter

# You're the firestarter Twisted firestarter

-# Return of the mack

-It is

-# Return of the mack

-Come on

-# Return of the mack

-Oh, my God

-# You know that I'll be back

-Here I am... #

# Oh, oh-h oh, oh-h oh

# Mysterious girl, I wanna get close to you... #

So, Noel, chuck, which year do you think that was?

What's happening with his arms there, have they been melted off?

I will hold my hands up and say, back in the day,

I was a bit of a Peter Andre fan.

Were you? Me too.

Even with no arms, he fancied him.

I think, at that age, I was more attracted to his stomach area.

Because when you look at the tummy, it looks quite nice but the face, not quite so good...

-I love Peter but...

-Well, he's a bright bloke, isn't he?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I think that song was number one when I first went on holiday

with my friends, without my mum and dad.

This is one of the weirdest ways of remembering a date!

-It's how I remember it. I was 16, we went to Lanzarote.

-I've been there.

-I've never been there.

-Did you go to the volcano?

Whenever Noel goes on holiday, he has to have a volcano there so he can frolic with the Orcs!

-ANGELOS:

-Is that true?

That seems extraordinary!

I do actually remember, I did kiss a local boy.

His name was Yvan Daniel Gonzales Santana!

That's a mouthful!

-IN SPANISH ACCENT:

-I am Yvan Daniel Gonzales Santana!

And I have come to avenge my father, Holly Willoughby!

-Did he have a black mask on?

-No.

-Riding a white horse?

I wish he was. He was actually the pool cleaner at the resort we were staying!

I show you the extendable bag I have on the end of this long stick for removing leaves!

Look, Holly, I pulled a moth from the pool!

Sometimes when you get insects out of pools, they make it.

You put them on the side, they dry out and then go, "Oh! What happened?"

-I'm lucky I remember his name.

-You're not going to forget

a name like that, you're just not!

-PHILL:

-Are you sure it wasn't four blokes?

-No! I'm very sure!

-He's probably watching this now online,

thinking, "Ah, Holly Willoughby, I could have been yours

"and now I have two pools!"

"Oh, look, that moth just woke up."

When you went on holiday, were you sponsored by Hawaiian Tropic, like Peter Andre is in that video?

I don't think he's sponsored by Hawaiian Tropic so much as Ronseal!

-Would you like to have a stomach like that, though?

-I think I would, yes.

It's just what the birds go for, you know?

-I liked them blokes what brought you on, Cilla.

-I liked them too!

-I mean, I'm not that way

but, you know, you got to appreciate beauty

when it's shoved in your face!

-So what year was it?

-1997.

-'97, yeah.

It was 1996, but why did Mick Hucknall cut off

his ginger dreadlocks in that year?

Was it because he was receiving death threats from Rastafarians?

Martine McCutcheon was sick on them

or Chris Evans stuck chewing gum in them? What do you think?

Do you reckon, if Martine McCutcheon chucked up in them,

they'd smell of Activia?

I think the reason he chopped them off, cos he grew up.

-He was in the ginger army and they said, "You can't have..."

-"You can't have them hanging off your head!"

-You had yours done the same day as...

-Mick Hucknall.

Dreadlocks down to here. I said, "Why are you getting yours chopped off?"

He said, "Cos they look shit." I said, "I agree with you."

When I was young, there was a tramp that lived near us and he had just one dreadlock.

He had a hood, like a triceratops?

Yeah! And it used to raise up when kids teased him.

I think it might be Chris Evans, the chewing gum?

Everybody knows, if you get chewing gum on anything, even a dreadlock,

if you put it in the freezer, it comes out really easily.

Can't put your head in the freezer though!

Walt Disney did!

What are you going to go for then?

I think it's cos Chris Evans stuck chewing gum in it.

All right, we'll go with that.

No, you're totally wrong!

-Oh...

-After an Oasis concert, Martine McCutcheon climbed into Mick's car,

where she was sick all over his face and dreadlocks!

I think it was a case of... # Surprise, surprise! #

Next up, it's the intros round. Noel and Holly, here are yours

-for Angelos.

-Hold on, please.

-What?

-I've got to put on my special hat for this.

Me guessing hat. You know. Just makes things easier, bit of fun.

Angelos, remember it's the title of the song we're looking for.

Cilla, you don't have to tell me that!

-How hard can this be?

-Have you ever seen this show on telly?

-No!

-OK, good luck.

-Why would you?

LAUGHTER

# Om-dum jigundow...

-Tsssssup...

-# Om-bom jigadow....

# Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di...

-# Om-bom jigadow... #

-I know this one, when can I say?

Any time you like.

-Tsssssup...

-# Om-bom jigadow.... #

-The Beatles!

-CILLA GASPS

I know it, it's The Beatles.

-Pass it over to them.

-No, don't pass it over. I'll be here all night just guessing, I'd rather do that.

LAUGHTER

-Can you read?

-Yes, thank you!

What? I don't know what that says.

Beatles, it's The Beatles, isn't that enough?

Who's in charge here?

-Why don't you give him a clue?

-Lots of people in the same area,

how did they get there?

The bus!

When you're making love, er...

LAUGHTER

..perfect union...

-is when you?

-Oh, hold on!

Oh! I'm getting... I'm getting something through!

Come Together!

Yes! I know, I know! Terrible! But you're right, actually,

and here is how it should have sounded but they did pretty well.

MUSIC: "Come Together" by The Beatles

That was The Beatles, with Come Together.

Did anybody know I was great mates with The Beatles?

-Did you have a favourite Beatle?

-Don't!

I went through the lot of them, actually!

-No! No!

-Cilla Black!

No! No!

No! No!

No, let me clarify that.

-No, no, no...

-Surely that's what Come Together is about!

No, let me clarify that, just for the audience and everybody who's watching at home.

When you saw The Beatles as a kid, your first love was Paul

cos he had that lovely baby-face and then you went on to John

because he was rugged and very feisty.

And then you went on to George because he was just so lovely,

and the last resort was Ringo!

Mind you, have you seen him lately?

Who'd have thought that Ringo would turn out the cute one?

He used to look like Yasser Arafat, he doesn't any more!

He doesn't any more!

Anyway...

can we have the next one, please, Holly.

What's in your bag, a severed cat's head?

Don't be ridiculous, it's a blind man's stick, of course.

I used to play that in Dexy's Midnight Runners!

Best to be prepared.

And then I've just got some cut-outs of fat people.

I'll be honest with you, look at Holly more than me for this one.

I will be doing that anyway!

-# Duh duh duh, duh-duh!

-Ting ting ting, ker-ting! #

-Oh, that was wrong!

-# Duh duh duh, duh-duh! #

Oh, I know this one!

Keep going!

# Duh duh, da-da-da-da duh daaah! #

-Do it again, start again.

-THEY IMITATE AN EXPLOSION

Oh, I don't know!

-It's a Take That one.

-Picture the boys.

I'm picturing them, yeah.

-Is there anyone else?

-Yeah, there is.

-Who's there?

-Their manager.

We're at a day out on the beach, just mucking about in the sand.

Is Lulu there?

-Yes!

-Re-start me engine!

-Relight My Fire.

-Yeah!

-Well, you're right, Angelos.

-Thanks, Cilla.

And here's how it should have sounded...

MUSIC: "Relight My Fire" by Take That Featuring Lulu

# Help me escape... #

That was Take That featuring Lulu, with Relight My Fire.

Of course, Lulu can relight her fire now

cos she's reached the age where she gets her heating allowance!

LAUGHTER

-Are you friends?

-We were...

Cilla, do you know, I tried about ten times to get on Blind Date?

-Did you?

-Yeah, I never got on.

-Not even with your stick?

LAUGHTER

Phill, and Rizzle Sticks... No! Rizzle Kicks!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

You've got that lyric about getting grass stains on your white trainers.

True stories!

Really good lyrics, really funny.

Thanks, Noel!

That's not a joke. I meant that, I love kids, and not in that way either!

I like that you've got a song called When I Was Younger

cos I did think, was that last week?

It was referring to us when we were like ten or whatever.

I'm old enough to be your mum, if I was a slut at school!

I was...

-Are you ready for this, guys?

-Yes!

-No!

Phill and Rizzle Kicks, here are yours for Tiffany.

-Ah, I've been sitting down for ages.

-It's nice to stretch the old legs

when you're AS OLD AS I AM!

-# Rom bom bom bom bom bom

-Da da da, da da da

-HARLEY IMITATES PERCUSSION

-# Da na na, da na na

-# Rom bom bom bom bom bom

-# Da na na, da na na

-# Rom bom bom bom bom bom

-# Da na na, da na na

-HARLEY IMITATES PERCUSSION

-# Rom bom bom bom bom bom

-# Da na na, da na na... #

-Is that a violin?

-Yeah.

-Are you self-harming? What's happening?

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Oh, come on, Twizzle Sticks, we can do it, we can do it!

Is it Cliff Richard's...

-Which Cliff Richard song would you self-harm to?

-Aw...

-I've upset Cilla now. Sorry, Cilla.

-He's my friend!

Can I just say "Christmas" to you?

-Millennium Prayer!

-Did you mouth then? You did, chuck.

This is like young men misbehaving with their auntie and it has to stop.

You're right, Tiffany.

And here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Millennium Prayer" by Cliff Richard

# Our father... #

-Surely that's enough.

-You know, I live quite close to Cliff in Barbados.

-Do you?

-I do. And he often gives me advice, it's lovely.

-What on?

Only last week, he told me, "Cilla, whatever you do,

"never ever host a pop panel quiz show."

Oh, shit...

-LAUGHTER

-Does he turn up in tennis whites?

-When he wants to.

-Has he got a good set of lallies?

He's got great lallies, great chest, great... Do you know what?

I'm turning myself on here!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Cilla!

Next one, please.

One, two, three, four!

# Dow, dow, dow na na na now now

# Dow, dow, dow na na na now now

-# Dow, dow, dow na na na now now

-Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow

-# Dow, dow, dow na na na now now

-Bow, bow, gdaunsch, daunsch

-ALL: # Ga da, now now now, na na na na now, now!

-Woo! #

I reckon this was probably the song that was playing

when Holly had her little dalliance with Santana-face.

Were you there?

-IN SPANISH ACCENT:

-Please, not now, Holly Willoughby, I have to clear out the deep end!

A child has left something in the pool that nobody wanted to see.

It's definitely Girls Aloud...

-Ooh.

-Love Machine!

Wow! Yes, exactly right.

And here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Love Machine" by Girls Aloud

# Ladies, you're damn right... #

So that was Girls Aloud with Love Machine.

Nicola Roberts has seen success with her solo single

and could soon become the most successful Scouse redhead solo artist of all time.

Over my dead body!

Round 3 is the identity parade.

Noel, Holly and Angelos, let's have a bit of TV history.

For the audience only, here is Blind Date.

Welcome to Blind Date. I must say, hello, number one, would you like to tell everybody out there

what your name is and where you come from.

My name's Andrew and I'm from Surrey.

My name's Anna and I come from London.

I'd love to be posh!

Well, that was, of course, Blind Date. But what I want to know

is which one of our line-up was the first Blind Date bride?

Here's our Graham with a quick reminder.

Is it number one? She's a blonde bombshell who'll make you explode.

Number two. I asked her out backstage but she claimed she'll be washing her hair!

Number three. She's got more "mussels"

than a Belgian bistro on "2 for 1" moules day!

Number four, she likes country walks and country pubs,

so why not take a ramble with her?

Or is it number five? If she was your yummy mummy,

you'd wish every night was bath night!

LAUGHTER

Which one of those looks like they'd go on a TV show to find love?

-Let's start with that question.

-Number one. That's your guess.

Have you got anything in your bag that will help us?

Yeah, this should help. It's just a dog mask.

Maybe it's the wrong way round. What if I put it over their faces?

Yeah, have a look. Put that on and all.

Let's do a reaction test.

HE BEEPS HORN

I'm frightened to do this to you, if I'm honest.

-HE BEEPS HORN

-Yeah, nothing. Nothing.

-HE BEEPS HORN

-OK.

-Yep?

Yeah, I think I've got it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In retrospect, that was a waste of time.

-Holly...

-Let's go two.

I'm saying four and I'm not moving.

Arm wrestle?

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-One, two, three, go.

-OK, that's enough, thanks.

Number two, I think it's number two. It's definitely number two.

Would the real Anna Coverdale step forward?

-Oh no!

-Oh, thank you, thank you!

Aah...

Sorry!

And now divorced, ladies and gentlemen, Anna Coverdale!

She divorced him!

Phill, Rizzle Kicks and Tiffany, what about some late '70s mods?

For the audience only, here is Secret Affair.

# Take me to your leader

# Because it's time you realised

-# That this is the time

-This is the time for action

-# The time for action

-This is the time to be seen

# The time to be seen

# This is the time for action

# Time to be seen... #

Well, that was Secret Affair, with Time For Action.

But which of our line-up is guitarist Dave Cairns?

Is it one, time for action?

Number two, time for bed.

Number three, time for another.

Number four, time on his hands.

Or number five, done time!

LAUGHTER

Number one looks like he's just bought a yacht!

Modelling it in a catalogue!

Ah, she's a beauty. 40 foot of wood and steel that I'm going to take to the edge of the earth!

Number two looks really pissed off!

Number one is still gazing off into the middle distance though!

He's absolutely not broken that Rattan catalogue look he's got there.

-Number two looks like a bodyguard.

-Four looks like manager at Aldi.

I reckon four looked incredibly confident when he walked in

-so I'm going to go four.

-OK, will the real David Cairns step forward?

-Oh no!

-Argh...

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Still touring with reformed Secret Affair, Dave Cairns, ladies and gentlemen, well done!

And we end with a round all about dating and love

in the world of music.

Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first.

Your time starts now.

Who did Sinitta date - Brad Pitt or Bon Jovi?

-Brad Pitt.

-Brad Pitt, can you imagine how she got him?

Listen to this one. Who claims to have slept with more women -

Mick Hucknall, Gene Simmons or Cliff Richard?

-Gene Simmons.

-Gene Simmons.

-Gene Simmons.

You're absolutely right.

He's slept with 4,600 women!

Which one of these has not made a sex tape?

Tommy Lee, Christopher Biggins, Frank Sinatra?

Oh, Frank Sinatra, Frank Sinatra.

Oh no! Then that means there's a sex tape of Biggins out there!

Oh, my eyes!

-Argh! Argh!

-You reckon Frank Sinatra?

He did, actually. He starred in a porn film called The Masked Bandit

when he was 19 and strapped for cash. It was Christopher Biggins!

-END-OF-TIME JINGLE

-Oh, we're out of time! I'm sorry.

Now, Noel's team, you need four points to win, so here we go.

How did Phil Collins split up with his second wife?

-Fax.

-By fax.

-Fax.

-You're right, you didn't even have to...

-I know I am, come on!

-You're right! Which of the Cheeky Girls...

-The one on the right.

..did Lembit Opik date?

-Gabriela.

-Well, we know that

but which one's Gabriela?

-The one on the left.

-The one on the left.

Correct. How did David Beckham woo Posh Spice?

He gave her a shin pad.

Was it A, he traced animals from The Lion King for her?

That's true, he gave her his colouring book.

He said he painted, and then he went, "I draw round pictures from The Lion King."

I thought, "David, I was on your side until that point!"

You're right, you're so totally right.

END-OF-TIME JINGLE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

At the end of that round, Phill's team has five

and Noel's team have six!

ANGELOS BEEPS HIS HORN

They are this week's winners!

What? Lies, lies.

And it's our very big thanks to Phill, Rizzle Kicks and Tiffany,

Noel, our Holly, and Angelos.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks

and I've been Cilla Black. I'm off to glug champers

through a funnel! Ta-ra for now!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

GRAHAM: Cilla? Cilla?

Oh, bugger, she's left without me.

Well, I guess I'll have to sit tight here until Rhod Gilbert next week.