Episode 11 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Nonsense!

Rhod, last time, they inserted a buy-one-get-one-free clause.

You're going to have to do it.

Fine, we'll do it again, but Rhod wants to host the show commando.

Ready for you, Mr Gilbert.

ZIP

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Hello, and welcome to the show.

On Noel's team tonight...

She's a 30-something TV presenter

who's meant to be dating teenage heart-throb Harry Styles

as they share a love of food.

She taught him to eat an oyster. He gave her a mouthful of his McFlurry. It's Caroline Flack.

He's the youngest artist ever to get a UK Number One

with Long Haired Lover From Liverpool.

It was originally, "I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool,

"At the moment, I'm just some jizz."

-It's Jimmy Jizzy Osmond!

-APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight...

He's in The Wanted, a band whose debut single was All Time Low.

That's the name of the single,

not a comment on that period of musical history. It's Tom, from The Wanted.

A lot of people mistake him for Jack Black, including our guest booker.

I'm not upset, just disappointed.

-It's Charlie Baker.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So we begin with Wannabe Starting Something.

Noel, Caroline and Jimmy, take a look at this.

She's a pop star who's now so far past her sell-by date,

that before she puts on her make-up,

she has to cut the rind off her face first.

It's Madonna.

MUSIC: Die Another Day by Madonna

Madonna with Die Another Day. How did she anger the RSPCA?

Did she dye her sheep for a photo shoot?

Recreate her music videos using puppies?

Or advocate deliberate bee stings to achieve fuller lips?

-What is your dog wearing?

-Pyramids.

-It's shaking. It's so sweet.

-AUDIENCE: Ah!

-Oh, shut up!

-Madonna wouldn't do anything by halves.

If she was dying sheep, she'd be making 34 appointments at Vidal Sassoon.

-You know when you get your hair dyed?

-I don't, Noel. Tell me.

I just go in and go, "Badger, please."

-I just hold up a picture of a raven.

-LAUGHTER

-Have you ever had your hair dyed?

-I have dip-dye.

-I just dip the ends.

-They hold you by your feet?

Talking of animals, Jimmy, didn't you look after Michael Jackson's monkey?

I worked for Michael for a couple of years and did his tour.

His monkey, remember Bubbles?

-We had to get special water brought in for the tour.

-Sparkling?

-Yeah.

-What was Bubbles like to work with?

-I never really worked with Bubbles.

I just helped to get special water. He was very kind to those animals.

He had to be. They knew all the secrets!

-You played a crab, didn't you, once?

-< I did.

-The famous part of the crab in Pinocchio. We all know that(!)

-You could play Pinocchio, Noel.

-Here we go.

-You look like you've been dressed in a forest by a reclusive German wood-cutter.

What's that? You should put that on, surely?

-This is a beekeeper's hat.

-You look hot in a beekeeper's outfit!

If a beekeeper was getting married, would they go for that?

You look like the first photo on the website, Keepers' Wives!

-Did anyone see the Tales Of The Unexpected, the beekeeper one?

-Yeah.

He was feeding his son honey and his son turned into a bee.

-LAUGHTER

-Certainly unexpected.

I like you in a veil, Caroline. Yeah.

-Are you gonna marry Harry Styles?

-LAUGHING: No!

-Did you go out with Prince Harry?

-Um...

-That's a yes!

-Did you really?

We went out together, but we didn't "go out".

-Have you seen the Crown Jewels?

-LAUGHTER

Does it look anything like this?

LAUGHTER

If you want to be discreet, smile when the right one comes out.

LAUGHTER

Haven't got it quite right yet.

-Which is it?

-I don't know!

Madonna, did she dye her sheep? Did she use puppies in her videos?

Advocate bee stings for fuller lips?

It would be ecologically sound to use wasps. They don't die. They can sting again and again.

Maybe this is what wasps are actually for.

The RSPCA wouldn't get wound-up about wasps. Nobody gives a shit about wasps.

Wasps are really annoying. They're always on apple cores in children's playgrounds.

-That bothers you?

-Well, the way they move about...

-On your patch?

-LAUGHTER

You can't even feed on a decent apple core in a kids' playground!

In winter, they forget how to fly and just walk about. "I'm walking now. What's it got to do with you?"

"There's a gap in the window!" "I know. I'm going to walk up to it and walk away."

Shoot them with an elastic band. If you hit them right, you can take a wasp's face clean off.

I don't want the RSPCA on my back!

-You said the RSPCA don't care about wasps.

-Then I thought maybe they do.

Did she dye her sheep and upset the RSPCA?

Did she do bee stings or did she recreate her videos with puppies in them?

-Bee stings!

-Is that your final answer?

-Yes!

-Well, you're wrong.

-Oh, what?

In 2007, the RSPCA branded Madonna irresponsible

for dying her sheep different colours for a photo shoot in Vogue.

That's what's going to happen to it anyway.

-You usually wait for it to come off the sheep.

-Ah!

-It's like using a cow as a belt.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Madonna turned down a reported 1-billion deal for a Vegas residency. Probably for the best.

I played roulette with her. The croupier shouted, "Black, six."

-Madonna went, "I'll take him!"

-GROANS AND LAUGHTER

Phill, Tom and Charlie, have a look at this.

# Welcome to the house of fun, now I've come of age... #

It's Britain's favourite ska act, after Seal.

It is, of course, Madness.

# ..temptation's on its way Welcome to the house of.. #

That was Madness with House Of Fun, but how did Madness upset Calvin Harris recently?

Did they tie his shoe laces together before he went on stage?

Did they shave his eyebrows or did they lock him in a Portaloo?

Calvin Harris sounds like one of those people who makes fake pants on the market.

BUZZING

-That IS a trimmer, isn't it?

-It depends which end you use!

-Tom, you've had run-ins with other performers.

-We have.

-Once, one of our band members decided to BBM Nicole Scherzinger...

-What does that mean? BBM?

-BlackBerry Messenger.

-What happened?

One of the band members got our choreographer's phone.

He put, "I can smell your rotting faeces and your horrible perfume!"

Didn't go down too well.

-Tom, that wasn't the incident I was talking about.

-Oh.

-I was talking about you falling out with Blue.

-Oh.

-Oh, shit!

-It's like me going, "Tell me about that incident." "I killed a man." "Not that one."

-You know this is going on telly?

-Did you fall out with Blue?

-Lee Ryan said that we were shit.

-He called YOU shit?

-Yes.

I congratulated him on his Eurovision Song Contest.

Nice bit of irony. Well done, Tom! Then what?

I punched the twat. LAUGHTER

Didn't you get caught in the shower by the Foo Fighters, Caroline?

-No! That's one of those weird made-up stories.

-Never mind.

-I want to role-play it anyway.

-What?

We've got baby oil and chocolate sauce.

You just get smeared up in them and we'll burst in.

-Did you get caught by the Foo Fighters?

-I had a shower at a festival, back stage.

I opened the door and the drummer, Taylor Hawkins, was standing outside.

-Did you invite him in?

-No!

-Come on!

Taylor Hawkins was there! You were like that. "Here he comes."

-Hey!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Back to the question.

-What question?

-How did Madness upset Calvin Harris?

-They are legendary prank players.

I was the opening act for them on their 1999 tour.

They sent a 54-year-old strip-a-gram on while I was on stage.

-CHARLIE: What was he like?

-His knackers were lower than his knees.

That's what happens when you get to a certain age.

I can't leave the house sometimes. I can't get my nuts over that lip of the doorstep.

Have you played any pranks on anyone when you were on tour with the boys?

Remember that time you killed Britney Spears?

-Jimmy, you and your brothers on the road. There must have been high jinx a-plenty.

-Let's have some.

We nailed our manager's shoes to the ground.

-With his feet in them?

-No! So when he got up he couldn't get them out.

Pranks were played on us.

Two girls mailed themselves to us on the tour in a crate. Opened the crate and it wasn't very nice.

Must have been crazy in the Moomins.

Can you translate for me?

-You're in the Moomins, aren't you?

-Oh, the Mormons!

-The Mormons!

He's Welsh, right? LAUGHTER

-Do you know what the Moomins are, Jimmy?

-What's that?

-They're like...

albino hippos!

We've got a picture of you in the Moomins.

Now I know what a Moomin is.

Are we any closer to getting an answer?

I'm fairly sure that Madness locked him in a Portaloo.

-Then he threw a hissy fit at them.

-You're absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

At last year's Bestival, Madness locked Calvin Harris in a Portaloo.

He had to be released by security, and almost missed his set.

Next, it's the Intros Round. Noel and Jimmy, here are yours for Caroline.

-JIMMY HUMS

-Yeah.

BOTH: # Now-now

# Now-now

# Now-now... # Think way back.

# Now-now. #

It's a weird sight, you two together. Like the Krankies on magic mushrooms.

- Do you know it? - Maybe.

Due to the age of consent, you and Harry could not do this.

CHARLIE: Buy alcohol?

We can throw it over to Phill's team.

I thought I knew it but I don't think I do any more.

-Californication.

-It is Californication!

-Yes!

-Do I get a point for that?

-Yes.

Why is that illegal?

-The age of consent! You've got to be 18 in California these days.

-Wow.

-Probably in the old days and all.

Here's how it should have sounded... In your defence,

that was absolutely appalling.

-The percussion was all right from Jimmy, but Noel...

-Oh, here we go!

INTRO TO CALIFORNICATION FADES

-Do your bit again, Noel.

-# Now-now. #

Did you completely forget the track before you stood up?

Do you know what's happening now?

You know when someone is mean to someone because they fancy them?

LAUGHTER I'm gonna get out of the middle of you two, OK?

That was the Red Hot Chili Peppers with Californication.

Anthony Kiedis says that he's addicted to internet porn.

Here's some advice, Anthony. If you really want to, you can beat it.

Sometimes it'll feel like the hardest thing in the world.

Say it with me, Anthony. I can beat this.

I can beat this. I can.

Say it with me. I can beat it.

I can beat this internet porn addiction, Anthony. I can beat it.

Say it with me, Anthony.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's time for your next one, but I cannot pass by this opportunity.

This might give you a clue for the band,

but I'm going to do it anyway.

Jimmy, you can be Jimmy in this one.

Noel, pop your hat on and your teeth in.

Caroline, there's a hat and some teeth.

And you over here have each got a hat and some teeth.

-"A hat", you say?

-What am I talking about? It's hair.

-JIMMY: I've already got 'em!

-Have you got the band, yet?

-CAROLINE: The Osmonds.

-It is.

# Dum dum dum dum

BOTH: # Waaa waaa waaaa!

# Waaa waaa waaaa!

# Da-da-da-da-da-da

# Da-dum dum da-dum dum... #

I think you should all stand up for this.

ALL: # Da-dum da da da-dum

JIMMY AND NOEL: # Waaa waaa waaa...! #

-Not a bad Halloween song!

-A clue. Think "stable".

I have no idea!

Think of a stable where the residents have smeared their own shit on the walls.

-Who lives in a stable?

-A horse.

-Yes, a horse.

What kind of horse would rub his own shit down his walls?

A crazy horse... I don't know.

Oh. Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That song was banned in South Africa cos they thought it was a drug song.

From the Osmonds. Imagine that.

-What WAS it about?

-It was one of the first ecology records.

-About horsepower, pollution in the air.

-It was about horses!

-It was not!

-Pollution?

-We wrote it! We should know!

-To be fair, that was a good tune.

-Yeah. I think it's cool.

Over the years, we had to sing all these cheesy songs

cos that's what the record label asked us to do.

The songs my brothers wrote were the driving songs like that.

It's cool to hear other rock n roll people stand up and say,

-"Hey, that's the Osmonds. I can't believe it, but it's a pretty cool riff."

-Good record.

-Yeah.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: Intro to "Crazy Horses"

# There's a message floatin'... # CHARLIE: Who did the vocal?

JIMMY: My brother Jay. CHARLIE: It sounds very Devonshire.

# There is a message and we're goin' to fade... #

Charlie, weren't you described as Devon's answer to Frank Sinatra?

Yes. In the Guardian. So can't be true.

-What's that about?

-I do sing.

-He's got a great voice.

-Can you give us a...?

-What song would you like?

-Witchcraft.

# Those fingers in my hair

-# That's like some heavy stare... #

-Lady Is A Tramp.

# She gets too hungry for dinner at eight... #

-He's not Devon enough.

-LAUGHTER

# You say potato and I say PASTIE! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Phil and Tom, here are yours to do to Charlie.

One, two, three, four.

-# Haaaaaaaaa

-Dut-dut dut-dut-dut

-# Dut-dut-dut dut-dut-dut.. #

-I know it.

-That's really good.

-There's a funny backwards vocal there, isn't there?

# ..Daaaaaaa

# Dow dow-dow-dow

-# Da-da-da-dow da-da-da-dow... #

-Awesome.

# One vision! One heart!

# One soul! One... # CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Charlie Baker's Freddie Mercury is now available. Do another one.

# Di-da-day-do! #

Nothing.

Devon Flash!

# Flash!

# Oo-arr! #

APPLAUSE

It was indeed One Vision by Queen.

And here's what it should have sounded like.

MUSIC: Intro to "One Vision"

# Hey! One man! One goal... #

Easy one, I thought, but very well done.

It WAS easy, that one! Everybody had that, didn't they?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-That was Queen with One Vision.

Brian May is worth a reported £85 million.

A lot of money, but with him AND Anita Dobson in the house, most goes on shower caps and Frizz Ease.

Don't. He'll be blogging. He hates this show.

Tom, I've been meaning to ask about your lyric, Playing With Lightning.

-Yeah.

-Who wrote that lyric?

-My mum, actually.

-"Playing with fire" is the saying. Your mum got it wrong?

-Yeah. Shocking song-writer!

What's your next song? Catchy Catchy Catchy Rabbit?

Before we go on, I propose a slight change to the format.

Because Charlie is a comedian but as he's proved, he's also a musician,

it's a little bit unfair, so I'm going to handicap you.

We'll put some ear defenders on you so you cannot hear what's going on.

-Tom is a musician, but he's in The Wanted, so he's at a slight disadvantage.

-Bastard!

We'll help you out, Tom. We'll allow you to mime.

We will, literally, play the track in. It's a visual game today.

OK.

# Took her for a drink on Tuesday

# We were making love by Wednesday...

Blow jobs. # ..We chilled on Sunday. #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-# I took her for a drink on... #

-It looked more like "I sucked him off on Tuesday."

-Charlie, take your muffs off.

-Am I shouting?

You can't pretend you can't hear and have a conversation with Rhod!

-What do you think it was?

-It's called 7 Days? No?

-It is called 7 Days.

-7 Days.

-He's absolutely right. Awesome.

Craig David, 7 Days. Well done. Good work there.

That was Craig David with 7 Days.

Craig says he can't go shopping as he gets mobbed by fans bombarding him with questions.

Presumably, "Can you enter your PIN, sir?"

"Do you want to try another card? How much cash do you have?

"Do you want to put one of the pairs back, Mr um... David?"

-LAUGHTER

-Round three is the Identity Parade.

Noel, Caroline and Jimmy, how about some '70s funk?

For the audience only, here is Heatwave.

-# Boogie nights

-Get that groove

# Let it take you higher

-# Boogie nights

-Make it move

# Set this place on fire

# Dance with the boogie, get down

# Cos boogie nights are always the best in town... #

That was Heatwave with Boogie Nights, the second single I ever bought.

Which one of our line-up is guitarist Roy Carter?

Is it number one, Heatwave?

Number two, damp patches?

Number three, snow balls?

Number four, gale force winds?

Or number five, Michelle Gayle off EastEnders?

LAUGHTER

-What are your thoughts, guys?

-Number one, I think.

-CAROLINE: Number one looks really...

-Charismatic.

-No, I think number two.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Look at that confidence in his eyes.

-You say number three looks like he's out of The Shining?

-Number four!

Definitely looks like something out of The Shining.

He's also the voice of Hong Kong Fuey.

-This might tease it out of him. Boogie Nights was the second single I bought. 1977.

-I love that song.

The cheeky bastards put the same song on the B-side.

79 pence I paid for that! WH Smith, 1977!

Same bloody song on the B-side! What you got to say to that, you cheating bastard?

There's something hilarious about you as a child in Wales

buying that as your first single.

Second single. First one was Mnah Mnah by The Muppets.

-Phill, what was your first single?

-The Streak by Ray Stevens.

-Yours?

-Adam Ant, Prince Charming.

-Get in!

-What about you?

-Jive Bunny.

NOEL LAUGHS I loved it!

You can tell if they've been on stage if they dance to the music a little bit.

Play it in and see what happens.

BOOGIE NIGHTS PLAYS

Look at number two. He doesn't like it!

Number two's got it.

-Number one?

-Number one.

JIMMY: Number five's pretty happy in there.

LAUGHTER Number two or number five.

If BBC Wales are watching, they've found the next Dr Who.

Who do you think it is, guys?

-I think it's number one, myself.

-< No!

I think number two's got the rhythm in him, but you're in charge.

-I've seen number two in other line-ups on this series.

-LAUGHTER

-What are you going for?

-Two looks...

-It's not two, I promise you.

I've seen him every week!

LAUGHTER

-Has it ever been him, though?

-You just blew my mind.

-LAUGHTER I think number one.

-Me too.

-What do you think?

-Majority rules, go with number one.

Would the real Roy Carter please step forward?

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Roy, was my memory right?

-B-side and A-side were the same.

-You owe me 40 pence!

Still performing with Heatwave and recording albums, Roy Carter.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Phill, Charlie and Tom, what about some '90s Brit pop?

For the audience only, Echobelly.

# I wanna do great things

# I don't wanna compromise

# I wanna know what life is

# I wanna know everything

# I wanna do great things

# I don't wanna compromise

# I wanna know what love is... #

That was Echobelly with Great Things but which of our line-up is guitarist Debbie Smith?

Is it number one, Echobelly?

Number two, Halle Belly? Number three, Belly Savalas?

Number four, Belly Wogan? Or number five, Nick Belly off Heartbeat?

Tom, looking at five girls in a row, I heard that you bedded five ladies in one night.

No, he was coaching a small football team.

Was it the Saturdays?

-Was it the Osmonds?

-TOM: It was a swingers' party.

Suddenly, Tom, your T-shirt's making sense.

CHARLIE: By the fifth, I'd be, "Uh!"

"I don't think I've got it in me, to be honest. Do you mind folding it up and putting it in?"

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

Devon's answer to Frank Sinatra(!)

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Straightaway, when she came out, me and Charlie went, "Number three."

Immediately went number three.

Would the real Debbie Smith please step forward?

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now working at Intoxica Records and playing guitar with the band Blindness, Debbie Smith!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead so you go first.

Your time starts...now. "We were making love by Wednesday."

And on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Chilled on Sunday.

Craig David, 7 Days. "My universe will never be the same."

-I'm glad you came. She got it.

-It's "I'm glad you came, I'm glad you came."

-One of the five, is she?

-She came twice.

Don't put yourself down.

"I know that it's a little bit frightening."

But I need a chlamydia test after this show.

Is that one of yours? Might as well be playing with lightning.

It is! The one your mum wrote and got the saying wrong, bizarrely.

Um... "One swallow does not make a...?"

-Summer.

-No. Zoo.

-Zoo?

-Yeah.

-Oh, you're getting them wrong.

-"Blood is thicker than...?"

-Soup.

-Water.

-Um Bongo, Tom.

-"The early bird catches the..."

-Worm.

-Train, Tom.

Oh! END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need five to win. "Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, come home."

-# So co-o-old Let me in at your window... #

-Kate Bush, Wuthering Heights.

"I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool. I'll do anything you say."

# I'll be your clown or your puppet or your April fool #

That wasn't the right order. # If you'll be my sunshine daisy from LA. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-That's two.

-"Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry."

Is this a song or just your own diaries?

That's how it's said. "Things are getting strange I'm starting to WORRY."

# Starting to WORRY

-# Mulder and SCULLY. #

-There's a bit before that.

# Something something Mulder and SCULLY. #

Rhod, how did you manage to do a bad Welsh accent?

"This could be a case for Mulder and Scully."

This could be a case for Mulder and Scully.

Difficult to give you that after I just said it.

"Baby, you light up my world like nobody else."

# Baby, you light up my world like nobody else

# The way you hm hm hm hm makes me la la la

# That's what makes you beautiful. #

-I have to press you to get it more accurately than that.

-You feed me fish fingers in the dark.

I'll accept that. "The way you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed."

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you have three points.

Three points, Noel, but this week's winners are Phill's team with a whopping six.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

You won that fair and square.

Thanks to Phill, Charlie and Tom, Noel, Jimmy and Caroline.

I've been Rhod Gilbert. I'm off to see a man about a horse. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Guys, I've arrived. I'm ready to host.

That's the weirdest chimney I have ever come down.