Episode 12 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

JINGLE BELLS RING

Oh, man. I wish I was in there all snuggled and warm.

Oi, Torchwood, stop dicking about and get over here,

there's a pop quiz to do!

Well, it's not the first time a man's sprinkled all over me.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello and welcome to what promises to be a gay old Christmas special

with me, your host, John Barrowman.

It's the last show of the series and the current tally is

Phill, six.

Noel, five.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

So, it's close, there's everything to play for.

Tonight, with team captain Noel Fielding...

He's an R'n'B star who recently posed naked to raise awareness

for testicular cancer. And it worked!

When I saw that spread I couldn't stop checking out my own balls.

It's Jason Derulo.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He's a man with the most impressive showbiz beard since Sinitta.

It's hairy bear comedian Joe Wilkinson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And across the way with captain Phill Jupitus

We needed a beautiful lady guest at short notice,

luckily here's one I prepared earlier.

It's Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He's a former presenter of the One Show,

following in Adrian Chiles' footsteps, which led him

to question, "Why the hell am I outside Christine Bleakley's house?"

It's Jason Manford.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, we begin with Guess Who?

We've morphed together two well-known faces

from the world of music.

First, the teams have to tell me who those faces belong to.

Phill, whose faces have we morphed together?

That is one ugly picture.

It looks a little bit like Peter Stringfellow pre-make up.

It more sort of looks like Stringfellow

if he'd lent into a microwave for five minutes.

Maybe it is one of those, what's that meal where you put a bird

-inside a bigger bird, inside a bigger bird.

-Turduckin.

-Is that what it's called?

-Yeah.

-Wow, we are laughing and learning tonight.

-Yes, you are.

-I'm going to give you a clue.

-Thank you.

-OK.

Just watch this and here is a very, very good clue.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Girl, I got a yeah, yeah, yeah I want to see you tonight. #

You can't not be dirty! You are the randiest man on television.

Yes. It's the only time ever you'll hear me say,

"Girl, I'm going to yeah, yeah, yeah," to you.

-That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

-Was it?

-Was that your voice?

-Of course it was him,

cos at the end he flirted with whoever was filming him.

At the end the lips went...

-Chris Brown.

-Chris Brown. That's half of him.

-How about the other half?

-The hair.

Is Stringfellow the right generation?

-It is the right generation.

-Rod Stewart?

-Are those your answers?

-Yeah, all right.

Let's see if you're right.

Yes!

You're right. It was Chris Brown and Rod Stewart.

But which one of them pooped themselves on stage?

-Seriously.

-Really?

-This is a Christmas special?

-This is a Christmas special.

His Yule log gag.

Rod Stewart looks like he's pooping in that picture.

# If you want my body, AND you think I'm sexy...

# Wake up Maggie, I really got something to say to you... #

I've shit the bed, love.

What would cause you to defecate on stage?

I've been sick on stage.

-I've actually vomited on stage.

-Onto the audience?

I was in Hull, that wasn't the reason,

I felt queasy, did the gig and I went backstage, threw up,

wiped my mouth with the curtain, you know what that's like, John.

for the love of God! We've only been on for a minute.

You can't be too rude, we've got a Blue Peter presenter and we'll break her.

-I'll have to hand in the badge.

-I have one, too.

And they're not getting it back.

What did you get it for?

-I got its long before you were born.

-Was John Leslie the presenter?

Chris Brown, is he the fella who hit his girlfriend?

-Rihanna.

-Yeah, he shit himself

because Rihanna's brothers were in the front row of the gig.

-He's more likely to do it and dine out on it.

-Woah! He never said that.

-Hold on!

-I don't mean that!

-We know you reuse stuff, but that's too far.

He could get away with it, whereas Rod,

people wouldn't buy his records if he'd done that.

Have you had any accidents onstage?

Yeah, but I've never shat myself.

Who is going to be like, "Damm, the show was super dope,

"but I shat myself?"

-Actually, I have a confession to make.

-Oh, no.

I have crapped myself on stage.

I was wearing white polyester pants and a yellow polyester vest

and I was singing a song and I thought I would fart

and I went, "pfft," and completely had follow through all...

Yes. But there's a reason, shut it,

-the person who was my understudy had put laxative in my water.

-Wow.

A couple of hours prior.

So I was kicking and I thought, true professional, don't stop the number.

And I could see people in the front row going...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wow, that is awesome. Good work.

So, who is it, you still haven't made your minds up.

-I reckon Chris Brown.

-Chris Brown.

-Chris Brown.

You are right.

Yes.

It was Chris Brown.

He was suffering from food poisoning

and unwisely risked a danger fart while on stage in 2006.

When he got back home his girlfriend at the time asked him

if it was food poisoning, and if it was salmonella-ella

eh, eh, eh.

AUDIENCE GROANS

OK, Noel's team, you are up next. Who are we looking at here?

The jack of hearts.

Perfect woman, lovely hair and stubble.

Is that your perfect woman? A woman with a beard?

Yeah, yeah, and a limp.

-Do you know who that is?

-Er, no idea.

I recognise those peepers, that's Chris Martin.

-Would you like a clue?

-Can we have a clue, please?

-Another special clue.

# I kissed a girl, just to try it. Hope my boyfriend don't mind it. #

Really haunting, isn't it?

Your mouth is terrifying close-up. I've never been that close.

Haven't you? Would you like to be that close to it?

-I can arrange it.

-For Christmas?

-No, right now.

-Oh, he's a predator.

Right, apart from the beautiful mouth, the hair, the beard.

I think it's Chris Martin and Katy Perry, do you reckon?

-Yeah.

-Katy Martin.

Let's see if you're right...

Yep.

You are right. It was Katy Perry and Chris Martin.

But which one of them wrote a song in a Wendy house?

-What the hell is a Wendy house?

-A Wendy house is like a house...

-..for Wendy.

-It's fabulous, I love it!

A Wendy house is one of the playhouses,

like a little girl would have in a back garden.

-A really creepy mini house.

-I bet you have fallen asleep in one, though.

What, when I was Stuart Little? How would I fit in a...

-Do you not get in and have a play?

-No, I have got my own house.

Sometimes you see Wendy houses in the garden and I like that,

cos it looks like the house has had a baby.

What's happening with Chris Martin? He looks like he has got lenses

of his own eyes over his own eyes.

He looks like every one of his songs.

I've been really good tonight,

I've not dissed Coldplay in any way and it's burning me up inside.

You boys are so bitter, just cos he's talented and good-looking,

it's like when girls say about girls...

Ohhhh!

I feel a little bit of stuff going on here!

You know what, though, people often say to me,

"Oh, you do like Coldplay."

They're shit.

I'm not bitter.

I think that's a full snap to Noel and a half snap to Helen.

I'm going to press you now for an answer.

OK. It's him, he goes inside his Wendy house.

Yeah, he's ashamed, he just sits there in a ball.

I think he's just got a scale fetish.

-He gets in there and imagines he's a giant.

-Nothing wrong with that.

Chris? We'll go with Chris.

OK, you are right.

Chris Martin wrote a song called Mylo Xyloto

while sitting in his daughter's Wendy house, it is true.

Chris Martin says Take That made him question whether he was gay.

Seriously, Chris, let me just make this clear -

thanks for your inquiry, but we're not currently hiring.

Next up, it's a Festive Intros Round where all the songs

are Christmas songs or number ones from Christmas past, past, past.

To help you along, each team has a Christmas bonus you can only play once.

Phill and Helen, here are yours for Jason.

OK.

# Da da, da da da da da

# Da da, da da da da da

# Da da, da da da da da... #

-I wish I was dead...

-# da da, da da... #

-Seriously, put a gun in my mouth.

-# Da da... #

-Are you doing the thing?

-I'm feeling pain of it being done next to me.

-Wow.

-I want to win.

# Da da, da da da da da, da da da da da da... #

Why are you doing that?

-Any ideas?

-I don't know what you are doing.

If you don't have any ideas, I'm going to have to chuck it over this side.

-I can't even guess.

-OK. Can't even guess was not the right answer.

-So, I am going to hand it over to Noel's team.

-Have you got an idea?

-Well...

-I've got an idea but it's nothing to do with this game.

What I'm thinking about has nothing to do with Christmas.

-Choose your first instinct.

-Look at you, you're like a Jedi.

I will show you the way of the force.

I don't want to see the force. I'm OK.

-It was, of course...

-What's happening?

I'm telling you the answer.

You gave them about an hour and us about four seconds!

All right, ready, steady, go.

-We don't know.

-Oh!

It was of course Mr Blobby with Mr Blobby.

And here is what it should have sounded like.

TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

-# Blobby, Mr Blobby...#

-TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

So, it was Mr Blobby with Mr Blobby.

Unfortunately, Mr Blobby has now fallen on hard times.

These days, the only money he makes is 30 quid for a blobby, blobby, blobby,

20 quid for a blow blobby

and 10 quid for a hand blobby.

Imagine getting wanked off by Mr Blobby.

Next one, please.

Are you going to use your bonus?

Yes, they're going to use their bonus. Please welcome, everybody,

the Buzzcocks Carol Singers.

Right, come on.

-# Ahh

-Brum

-# Ba da da

-Brum

-Ahh

-# Dum dum dum

-Ahh ahh, dit na na

-# Ahh

-Ahh ahh ahh

# Ahhh... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I thought that was pretty good.

-Pretty beautiful.

-Yeah.

If you don't know this you're an idiot.

In Jason's defence, what did you tell me

before the show about this particular round.

Well, just, I said, I can't even do this in the pub quiz

when it is the real, actual music. You know what I mean?

We didn't sing, we just stared at him.

I know, but I'm being hypnotised by his snowman.

That snowman looks well shifty, Doesn't he?

It's Fairytale of New York, the Pogues.

-Yeah, I'm going to go with that.

-Do you know it?

I guess I'm an idiot too because I don't know...

No, honey, you could never be an idiot.

What's going on here? We both made the same mistake but I'm the idiot.

-If you can dance like this boy then you're not an idiot.

-I can dance.

-Go on then.

-How's he persuaded you to dance for him? No!

I can't stop staring at your snowman, now, it's killing me.

You know this is just a plain red jumper.

The snowman looks like he's seen a better jumper and he's going,

"I wish I was on that jumper."

We've got no answer to our right, and we've got...

-Walking In The Air.

-Walking In The Air.

You're both completely wrong, thank you very much, choir,

for being with us.

It was, of course...

East 17, Stay Another Day.

Here's how it should've sounded.

OPENING PIANO CHORDS OF "Stay Another Day"

# Stay now! # LAUGHTER

# Stay now, stay now, stay now, stay now, yeah! #

East 17: # Stay now Baby if you got to go away... #

-That doesn't count as a Christmas song.

-But it was number one!

Just cos they put snow suits on!

Have you seen the video? That's how the riots would've looked in December.

LAUGHTER

So that was East 17, Stay Another Day.

Tony Mortimer says he can't watch Take That.

Well to be fair, Tony,

those tickets cost 60 quid and you've not done much lately.

LAUGHTER

Noel and Jason, here are yours for Joe,

and remember, you can use your Christmas Bonus if you get stuck.

Can't wait for this one.

They want to use their Christmas Bonus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, bring back the Buzzcocks Choir!

APPLAUSE

Ooh, sorry.

The lady in the blue coat at the end killed Dappy on the way in

and got the hat.

LAUGHTER

We look like we're in a science fiction film.

You look like the hero

-and I look like the baddy who appears on a screen.

-LAUGHTER

I got the view of a lifetime.

Stop it, man!

So I'll be talking to you but I'll be facing this way...

You go in the middle...

Jason? You can face that way if you want to.

LAUGHTER

No! Right...

LAUGHTER

MEN: # Ba ba-bub bur-bur Ba-bub bur-bur

WOMEN: # Da-da-da da-oh ba-ba ba

# Ba-ba-ba Ba-bub ba-ba-bap

-# La-la-la la-a

-Ba-ba-da. #

APPLAUSE

-It sounded really festive.

-That was beautiful.

If you knocked at my door I'd give you some satsumas.

Imagine if you were carol-singing and I answered the door.

-CREEPY VOICE:

-Hello!

"You're all right, we'll go next door, actually..."

You're nearly there, though, aren't you?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I've no idea.

No idea? I'm going to throw it this side.

-Hey, hey!

-I don't believe it!

-Really?

-Are you serious?

The Darkness, Don't Let The Bells End?

Is absolutely right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you, choir, thank you very much.

-Well done.

Here is how it should have sounded.

OPENING DRUMS AND GUITAR RIFF FROM "Don't Let The Bells End"

# Feigning joy and surprise... #

-Next one, please!

-This is one of his favourites so you have to guess it.

-Ah-beh-beh-beh! Whoa!

-We didn't discuss his favourite songs,

-so it wasn't a clue.

-What we discussed is how you shampooed your beard today.

LAUGHTER

What did you say? It was the funniest thing. "I went swimming and it went solid."

LAUGHTER

Took me an hour and a half to get it back to this.

Not even a "thank you".

All right, this one goes a little something like this.

-I like that start.

-Wow! How smooth was that.

-This song means a lot to me...

-A-beja-ba eja-ba!

-You know your part, right?

-(Yeah.)

LAUGHTER

# Bom-bo-dom bom-bom Bom-bo dom-bom... #

Oh, I kno...

-# Bom-bo-dom bom... #

-SOFTLY: # A-a-a a-ah... #

-You're not helping!

-Do you know it?

-# A-a-a-a-a-a-a-h... #

-LAUGHTER

-Hey! I think he knows it!

-Oh... No! Oh, God, I know it.

-# A-a-a-a-a-ah... #

-You do. # Bom-ba-dom... # Wait...

Your bit's brilliant, you're distracting.

# Ba-la ba-la ba-bab! #

-Don't know why I did that. I got excited!

-Nothing to do with the song.

-It's Michael Jackson, erm...

-Look at me, look at me.

What?

NOEL LAUGHS

Wash on, wash off?

LAUGHTER

JASON: You're close.

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS AND STAMPS HIS FEET

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You do that again, I'll be the fan that's blowing his hair back...

HE STOMPS HIS FEET IN A RHYTHM

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Earth! Earth Song.

CHEERING

WOLF WHISTLES

You're sweating now, aren't ya? Can hear him panicking.

You're absolutely right but here's how it should've sounded.

OPENING PIANO TUNE FROM "Earth Song"

# Ah, a-ah!

LAUGHTER

# Oh, no

# Oh, yeah! #

# What about sunrise... #

Anyway, that was Michael Jackson with Earth Song.

In 2009, Michael's dermatologist put a claim in through the courts

for £50,000-worth of unpaid Botox treatment.

Oh, my god! Did he have work done?

LAUGHTER

Round three is the Identity Parade...with a twist!

LAUGHTER

-Instead of guessing the person

-IN

-the band, you'll need to guess who

-WASN'T,

-As we play Who's

-NOT

-With The Band.

Phill, Helen and Jason, how about some Welsh hip hop?

For the audience only, here is Goldie Lookin' Chain.

# So remember, kids, from the head double tap

# Guns don't kill people, it's just rap

# Guns don't kill people, rappers do

# Sound of da police, woo, woo, woo

# Guns don't kill people, rappers do

# Sound of da police, woo, woo, woo. #

That was Goldie Lookin' Chain with Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do.

Blap, blap.

LAUGHTER

But which of our line-up is not with the band?

Is it number one, Goldie Lookin' Chain?

Number two, Goldie Lookin' For Love?

Number three, Goldie Lookin' Past His Best?

Number four, Goldie Lookin' For A Record Deal?

Or number five, Goldie Lookin' For His Methadone?

LAUGHTER

Number one, where were you during the recent riots?

LAUGHTER

Knowing Goldie Lookin' Chain, this isn't the first time

-they've been in a line-up.

-LAUGHTER

Right, number five is definitely in the band.

I recognise him.

-If I save my beard off, I look exactly like him.

-Do you really?

Yeah, yeah. Good-looking buggers, aren't we?

LAUGHTER

-Number two, have you got a chicken on your head?

-I can't believe you didn't say cock,

LAUGHTER

-It was set up for you there, John.

-I know.

-I think it's three or four. I think four.

-Is it you, number three?

-If only it were that easy!

-I think number four.

-He doesn't look comfortable.

-You're right. Not liking it, are you?

He's got his hand in his pockets because he's got his wallet and his phone.

LAUGHTER

-I need an answer, kids.

-I'm pretty confident.

I liked them, to be honest, so I recognise them. I think number four.

-Number four.

-Number four?

-Let's find out. Would the person

-NOT

-with the band please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Now touring with their album, Blue Waffle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Goldie Lookin' Chain

CHEERING

Noel, Jason and Joe,

what about some nostalgic kids' TV fun?

For the audience only, here are The Wombles.

# All day long

# We will be laughing as we go

# We wish you a wombling merry Christma-a-as. #

LAUGHTER

Absolutely terrifying.

I remember them being a lot smaller. LAUGHTER

That was The Wombles with A Wombling Merry Christmas.

-But which of our line-up is

-NOT

-with the band?

Is it number one, wombling free?

Number two, wombling hands?

Number three, wombling without due care and attention?

Number four, wombling what he's going to have for dinner?

Or number five, WOMBLING about a career change?

LAUGHTER

Wimbledon Common's cleaned now. Head to Clapham,

some nasty stuff in the bushes over there.

PHILL: Not tonight there isn't.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When they move, it's fine. But when they keep still, it's sinister.

LAUGHTER

Everybody just look at Noel, go on.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my god.

Noel, it's like spiders. They're more afraid of you.

LAUGHTER

Guys?

Worst five-a-side football team ever.

LAUGHTER

Wow, you're really hot.

-I know how to find out, Noel?

-Yeah?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They can't help themselves. Look, they can't help themselves!

-They can't help it!

-I have no idea what this is.

-Do you not know what the Wombles are?

-No.

-This is our Royal Family.

LAUGHTER

I know how to do this because I live near Wimbledon.

What's the Wimbledon postcode?

LAUGHTER

I'm not English, but I know who Jedward is.

He knows who Jedward is, but he doesn't know who the Wombles are?

-We'll keep number one, very Christmassy.

-Uncle Bulgaria.

Yeah, and Wellington? Yeah, Wellington.

-Orinoco, yes? And...

-Who's the tart on the end?

LAUGHTER

I know. Madame Cholet.

Which is the Womble who is not in the band?

-It's got to be Jedward.

-Number two, isn't it?

OK, let's find out.

-Would the Womble

-NOT

-with the band, please step forward?

APPLAUSE

With their single, A Wombling Merry Christmas out now,

The Wombles ladies and gentleman.

CHEERING

I really hope they get on a tube back to Wimbledon.

LAUGHTER

And at the end of that round, it's four all.

APPLAUSE

So we end with some Festive Next Lines.

Phill, your team will go first and remember,

you're playing to win the series.

Your time starts now.

Baby, if you've got to go away...

-Don't think I can take the pain.

-Very nice.

# Christmas time, Mistletoe and wine. #

# Children singing Christian rhyme. #

Brilliant.

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day. #

-I bet you do!

-LAUGHTER

Wrong! # I played a drum for him... #

ALL: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pom. #

Nice!

END OF ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need five points to win tonight and draw the series.

I'm feeling pretty confident. He just went to me, "I never get these."

LAUGHTER

Your time starts now

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful... #

# La-la, la-la, la-lightful. #

That's not right.

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart... #

But the very next day, you gave it away!

That's right.

# Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... #

ALL: # Had a very shiny nose. #

Brilliant.

-SCREAMS: # We're walking in the a-a-air! #

-LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: # We're walking in the air tonight. #

Nope.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

Noel's team has seven points, but this week's winners are Phill's team

with eight points,

which means Phill's team take the series, seven shows to five.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks to Phill, Helen and Jason, Noel, Jason and Joe,

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks

and I've been John Barrowman.

APPLAUSE

We've all had a lot of fun tonight,

but please spare a thought in these cold winter months

for those who have less than you,

as we launch our Buzzcocks Christmas Appeal.

MUSIC: "Silent Night"

Just £2 a month can pay for someone else

to sing Jason Derulo's name on his songs.

£3 can buy Joe Wilkinson shoes.

LAUGHTER

While £5 can feed a whole ID parade for a month.

Please, send what you can.

Have a merry Christmas and to all a good night

# Holy infant

# So tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

Good night!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

What did you eat?!