Episode 13 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

'12 outstanding hosts, over 57 laugh-out-loud moments,

'six slightly above average reviews, all collected together in one very special place.'

Welcome to the Museum of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Series 25.

-Don't touch anything or I'll smash his face in.

-I thought I was going to see Tinie Tempah.

It's not Tinie Tempah, it's me!

-Aren't you a bit old to be in school uniform?

-I'm seven.

-Here's some stuff from Round One. Any questions?

-What is that?

It's a wax strip with Phill Jupitus's leg hair on it.

-What's that?

-A placenta in a bag.

-What's that?

-It's the Polo that the magician Dynamo pulled out of his neck in Episode 4.

-What is that?

-Did you watch any of this series, son?

It's a picture of a whale getting tossed off by a cow's vagina.

When this show started back in 1996,

I was in a little show called Baywatch.

WHISTLES FROM AUDIENCE

Whoa! I'm huge!

I looked pretty good back then, but the question is, how did our team captains look?

Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Phill...

Is that you?

-Is that really you?

-I thought it was Manatee Week on the Discovery Channel.

-Noel, is that really you?

-Yeah.

-It looks like someone I dated in high school.

-Oh, my God!

-I remember those years, yeah.

I don't.

That was Wyclef with Anything Can Happen,

but which of these objects caused Wyclef to break his hand?

You've got them underneath there.

-We've got Christmas decorations.

-For the Jew!

-Yes.

I don't even know what these are. I don't.

-And we've got a vuvuzela.

-That horn actually goes with your outfit.

-It does.

-You should mill about town with that. You'd look brilliant.

There you go. That's really good.

APPLAUSE

I'm too old for Topshop? Get outta here!

I'll summon my...men.

BLOWS VUVUZELA

To Topshop! APPLAUSE

Maybe he just was so sick of Christmas, he punched his Christmas tree.

LAUGHTER

He punched his Christmas tree, then it got him in a headlock.

Stacey has spent so long today with Noel and Tony, she's got secondary weird!

-I can't wait for her next album.

-I haven't even had a first one!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got this from Ian Paisley's house.

I'd like somebody I like on my toilet roll, then you would see them all the time.

Yeah, then rub shit on their face.

-If they were a true friend, they'd take it.

-That's true.

-What does placenta even look like?

-This is what it looks like.

That is horrible.

I got it for you, Pixie.

No, no, no.

-What is that?

-What have I told you kids about throwing offal around the studio?

Now the bears are going to come!

-Where did Tinchy Stryder come from?

-Tinchy - I've always been the smallest one out of all my friends.

Some of the researchers got hold

of your working book when you made up your stage name.

They've got the ones that you used...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I remember that book.

-You remember it?

-Yeah, when I was even smaller than this.

-That's it.

So, One-Pack, that was a good one.

Not Particularly B-I-G. That was a good one.

-Busta Nursery Rhymes.

-LAUGHTER

-How tall are you?

-I'm six foot eight.

-Six foot eight?

-Yeah. Don't pick on me about my height!

-It's like the two of you are from different dimensions.

-I thought you were going to say Different Strokes.

Tom, you've had run-ins with other performers.

-Once, one of our band members decided to BBM Nicole Scherzinger.

-What does BBM mean?

-BlackBerry Messenger.

-What happened?

-One of the band members got our choreographer's phone.

He decided to put, "I can smell your rotting faeces and your horrible perfume from here."

It didn't go down too well.

-Tom, that wasn't the incident I was talking about.

-Oh.

-I was just talking about you falling out with Blue.

-Oh... Oh, shit!

That's like me going, "Tell me about that incident," and you going, "I killed a man." "Not that one."

You know this is going on telly?

-Do you want to see something that's quite freaky, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Watch this.

Ohhh!

Oh, no!

But have you seen this?

APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-Yeah? Have you seen this?

Prepare to be amazed!

I had a Batman kite when I was young and I flew it too high.

It wasn't tied on to the handle. And it just went...

-Why would you buy a kite without a handle?

-It had a handle. The string wasn't tied to the handle.

-Why not?

-I didn't manufacture it and then buy it.

I was seven!

I was holding it and it just disappeared. I had to go home just holding a handle.

And there was a girl who looked a bit like you who was laughing.

It would've been me.

"Everyone knows how to tie it to the handle first!"

"What did you fly a kite for without a handle? Ha-ha-ha!"

From what I understand of Snoop Dogg, I think he'd need a queue to expose himself too.

-Really? What are you talking about?

-His enormous cock.

Oh, my God!

-I've gone all funny now.

-The young man asked. I had to tell him.

-I didn't... Oh, yeah, I did.

Tinie Tempah claims he once had sex in a cinema.

Stupid really, cos he missed the bit where Schindler makes his list.

-I had sex in a Grundon bin once.

-What?

-You know those large wheelie bins?

-Now you're talking, Will!

All those bloody pictures of birds and we could've started with this!

-Did you bring the top down, it was a private moment?

-Let's get serious.

Lou Reed and his wife played a 20-minute set composed for dogs.

The crowd were licking their bollocks, sniffing arses,

shagging everything that moves and shitting everywhere.

It was very much reminiscent of an N-Dubz gig.

-Can you say that?

-I'll be all right, I'll be all right.

In 2011, Wyclef...

-Don't do that to Mr Punch. That's an antique.

-Sorry.

-That's a spanking. Come up. That's abuse.

APPLAUSE

Bend over.

APPLAUSE

Very naughty.

-Wow!

-You know what you did. You just think on.

-I was trying not to say something sexual.

Do you feel if you said that, it's like saying it to your mum?

-Is that what it's like, talking to me about rude things?

-No.

-You're not like a mum.

-Oh, right, OK.

-You're fit.

This is one of our newest attractions. It's the interactive intros round with Phill Jupitus.

As I say, it's interactive, so...

-# Neow!

-Tch!

-Neow!

-Tch!

-# Neow!

-Tch!

-Neow!

-Tch!

-# Neow!

-Tch!

-Neow!

-Tch!

-Neow!

-Tch!

-Neow!

-Tch... #

Any idea what that is?

Anything?

You're going to kick yourselves.

Come on! Even that girl from the Sugababes got this one!

It was, of course, Steady, As She Goes by The Raconteurs.

Next up, it's the Intros Round,

so let's celebrate with a game of Pass The Parcel.

# I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world

# Life in plastic, it's fantastic

# You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere

# Imagination, life is your creation

# I'm a blonde bimbo girl in the fantasy world

# Dress me up, make it tight... #

Oh!

Oh, that's embarrassing.

Oh, it's an iPad!

-APPLAUSE

-Oh!

I've been after one of them. That's great.

-Noel and Holly, here are yours for Angelos.

-Yes, hold on, please.

-And remember... What?

-I've got to put on my special hat.

It's me guessing hat. You know, just makes things easier. Bit of fun.

Angelos, remember, it's the title of the song we're looking for.

Cilla, you don't have to tell me that. How hard can this be?

-Have you ever seen this show on telly?

-No.

-Well, good luck.

-Why would you? LAUGHTER

Noel and Tinchy, here are yours for Holly. It's the title of the song we're after, Tinchy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's even funnier than I imagined.

-We'll do it where the vocal comes in.

-OK.

-We'll do it where the vocal comes in.

# Dow-na-now, dow-da-dow, dow-dow-dow-dow

# Bow! Dow-da-dow, dow-da-dow, dow-dow-dow-dow

# Bow! Dow-da-dow, dow-da-dow, dow-dow-dow-dow

# Bow! Dow-da-dow, dow-da-dow, dow-dow-da-da-da-da... #

-I thought you said you'd do the vocal bit.

-I had the fucking singer here. I thought he might do it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Bur-na-na-now

# Bur-na-na-now-now

# Bur-na-na-now... #

-You should go to a slightly higher pitch.

-It's that one that really grates on everybody. What is it?

-# Bur-na-na-now... #

-It's annoying. What is it?

I think I know what it is. It's Mr Blunt's song - You're Beautiful.

-Yeah.

-You're absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

This is how it should've sounded.

-INTRO STARTS

-OK, that's enough. Thank you.

So that was James Cucking Funt with You're Beautiful.

A six-year-old girl came out of a coma after hearing that song on hospital radio.

It was a beautiful sight until she woke up, leant forward and screamed, "Turn that shit off!"

APPLAUSE

# Da-now, da-now, da-now, dah-now Da-now, da-now, da-now, dah-now Da-now, dah-now... #

You should all stand up for this.

Let's get a bit of energy in it. Go on, Phill.

# Da, da, da-da-da

-# Oooh!

-Oooh!

-Oooh!

-# Oooh!

-Oooh! #

-More like a bad Halloween song!

-Think "stable"...

-I have no idea.

-Think of a stable, but where the residents have smeared their own shit on the walls.

Caroline, who lives in a stable?

-A horse.

-Yes, a horse. What kind of horse would rub his own shit down his walls?

-A crazy horse? I don't know.

-Crazy Horses!

-Crazy Horse!

Crazy Horse. APPLAUSE

There's a dirty old fly in here.

I was laughing cos I saw you eat one of the flies when it landed on you.

Yeah, that's what I did. I just tucked into it. Yeah, that's right.

LAUGHTER

- Did you eat a fly? - No, I didn't eat a fly!

I'd freak out if you ate a fly.

I would freak out if I ate a bloody fly!

There's a lot of protein in flies.

(I did eat it, actually.)

He did eat it.

I just didn't want to look like a dickhead.

LAUGHTER

It was, of course, Mr Blobby with Mr Blobby.

Here is what it should have sounded like.

MUSIC PLAYS

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

-Turn it off!

-# Blobby, Mr Blobby... #

-Turn it off!

-Turn it off!

-APPLAUSE

But here is how it should have sounded.

LATIN-STYLE GUITAR MUSIC

Yeah, it's smooth.

Sorry.

I'm having terrible trouble. I'll be right back.

APPLAUSE

I'll be Lorraine Kelly. It's easy.

OK, you be Lorraine Kelly.

Oh, shit, my bra's exploded!

Who wants a spanking?

Get up on my desk. Get up on the desk!

-Let me be up there.

-I'll be Phill. I'll be Phill.

OK.

I'll be your tits. I'll be your tits.

I'll be a cameraman.

-MIMICS SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Here's how it should've sounded.

Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

Sorry about that.

I met Elvis in 1970. I got a thing that said,

"Elvis wants to meet you."

I got to the Hilton Hotel. The elevator opened up and it was me,

Liza Minnelli, Chubby Checker and Linda Lovelace.

Wow! You had come together or you just happened to be in that lift?

He invited those four people that night.

We went up and they searched us for guns which was kind of silly cos there were guns everywhere.

When he came in the room, he was Elvis. He wasn't the fat Elvis, he was Elvis.

He goes, "You're the cat with the snake, ain't ya?"

I said, "Yeah." He goes, "That's cool. I wish I'd thought of that. Hey, I want to show you something."

We go in the kitchen, he opens a drawer, takes out a loaded, snub-nosed .38, puts it in my hand.

He says, "I'll show you how to take this gun out of somebody's hand."

A little devil here on my shoulder says, "Shoot him."

LAUGHTER

A little angel over here says, "Don't kill him. Just wound him."

Before I could decide what to do, I was on the floor.

He had his boot on my throat and I'm going, "That's good, Elvis."

I'm still reeling over the fact that you were there with Liza Minnelli.

He must've thought you were sisters.

Only three of us came down on the elevator that night.

I don't know what he did with Chubby Checker all night.

He was an amazing character, a very funny guy, but he was Elvis. I mean, you know...

One of the most popular rounds is the Identity Parade.

We're lucky enough to have one of the models from Episode 6 and 7.

-Thanks, Greg.

-Shut it!

The rules are simple. Never look the celebrities directly in the face.

Never move and never leave one of them in a car without the window open.

Hey!

ELECTRONIC SOUND

A song about the vicissitudes of fame there.

Is it number one, Heat Wave,

number two, Damp Patches...

..number three, Snowballs,

number four, Gale Force Winds,

or number five, Michelle Gayle off EastEnders?

LAUGHTER

That was Love Decade with So Real, but which of our line-up is vocalist Jerome Stokes?

Is it number one, Love Decade,

number two, Love Handles,

number three, Love For Sale,

number four, Love Downton Abbey...

LAUGHTER

..or number five, Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name?

Noel?

Oh, help me! Love Decade?

-I'm thinking number two.

-Number two? Really?

-He's got a little essence about him.

-He's got an essence?

He's more gaunt. He looks like he's done more pills.

What about his nose? He's just had flashbacks.

Have you got anything in your bag that'll help us?

Yeah, this should help.

It's just a mask.

LAUGHTER

-Maybe it's the wrong way round. What if I put it over their faces?

-Yeah, have a look.

Put that on an' all.

Let's do a reaction test.

All right.

PRESSES HOOTER

I'm frightened to do this to you, if I'm honest with you.

PRESSES HOOTER Yeah, nothing. Nothing.

OK.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I think I've got it.

LAUGHTER

In retrospect, that was a waste of time.

-Did one of them go out with a politician?

-Lembit Opik.

-He bought me two gin and tonics once. Not in a gay way. Just...

-And you woke up in a bin?

How do you buy someone a gin and tonic in a gay way?

"Oh, excuse me..."

LAUGHTER

"A gin and tonic, please."

"That's £2.50." "Oh, there you are."

It's like something out of Are You Being Served?

How did Lembit Opik buy YOU a gin and tonic?

"Oi, mate, a gin and...

"A gin and tonic for this bloke, right? There you have it, mate.

"Drink it or I'll smash the glass in your face!

"I'm off to have sex with a woman."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Quite a leap - playing trumpet for Adam Ant, then all of a sudden, Mayor.

-I'm a man of many talents.

-He can speak as well.

We're not in Scunthorpe now, mate. You don't make the rules. Shut up!

You don't talk to the Mayor like that!

APPLAUSE

We're having a party at my mum and dad's.

If you want to come, you can, but we have to stay in the conservatory

and not make too much noise as Mum's working in the morning.

-You'll come up to Scunthorpe afterwards?

-Defo.

-Put me down as a maybe.

Why should we visit Scunthorpe? Is it better than Southampton?

Great town, Southampton, but greater still is Scunthorpe!

He's talking in riddles. He's talking in riddles.

Would the real Andy Abraham please step forward...?

APPLAUSE

-Oh, here we go.

-I know this man.

-Hello.

-Number two, give me some love! Number two!

Come on, two! Come on! Yes!

APPLAUSE

My boy! My boy!

Four! Come on, four!

APPLAUSE

Right, you've had the Noel Fielding Dressing Room Experience.

Make sure you take that stuff back at the end.

Now, as big fans of the show, you know that the final round is the Quickfire Round

where you can have last-minute glory by guessing the lyrics of the song

or guessing the title of the absolutely rubbish album

or trying to work out what on earth was going through Will Young's mind

when he drew this ridiculous picture of a bird with horns.

So Noel's team goes first and your time starts now.

My fault. The card was upside down.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's still upside down.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

That's a funny way to hand your notice in.

LAUGHTER

OK?

Well, it's a draw, so Noel's team goes first and...

LAUGHTER

OK...

OK, it is... OK, I'm sure if I do it this time...

Oh, my God!

-Right...

-Do you want me to turn the desk round?

No...

Turn the telly upside down!

It's a draw, so Noel's team is going to go first.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

We're going to end... I know, you're sad.

..with a round that's all about me.

And my hits.

-LAUGHTER

-Shut up!

PHILL LAUGHS LOUDLY

-Did someone say "hit"?

-He went, "It's all about me and my hits."

A woman in the front row goes, "It won't last long then."

"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got di goody goody..."

LAUGHTER

You make ragga sound like the shipping forecast!

"One ting me tell you, Sean Paul, one shooby shooby..."

"One ting me haffi tell dem Dutty... de woody woody..."

One point for you - Like Glue, Sean Paul.

That's like the football scores!

East Fife 4, Dem Shoogy Shoogy 3.

LAUGHTER

"Frontway backway Dutty K man have de shooby shooby..."

..Everton 2.

Here is a comment that was left underneath a video of you, Dynamo, performing.

And this was left by Gerybaboona.

-Hmm!

-He says...

"Dis guy must be a..." what?

Wizard?

-LAUGHTER

-A new Paul Daniels?

Genius.

"Dis guy must be a alien or sutin."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Oh, look at the skills on this guy.

"He's a alien or sutin."

"This is Gerybaboona. He always can spot a alien or sutin."

What album is William Hung peddling here?

William Hung Like A Horse?

Hung Like Tinsel?

What do they call Christmas, kind of include everything?

-Holiday?

-Almost.

-Hung For The Holidays?

-Oh, yes, Hung For The Holidays.

-Great album.

-LAUGHTER

-What's the title of this Scorpions offering?

-Hubba Bubba Tit Stretch.

LAUGHTER

It's called Lovedrive.

What school uniform regulations is Britney Spears breaching in this photograph?

-Being a crazy, mental slut.

-LAUGHTER

That'll do. Well done.

Here's another comment left under your video, Dynamo.

That's... That's Gerybaboona again!

"You are the only people on planet made from...sutin."

Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

Now, the scores at the end of that round are five-all, so it's a draw, teams, OK?

APPLAUSE

It's a tie-break situation. I'm going to show you a home-made clip.

Count how many Mobys there are in this clip. Go!

# Moby, Moby

# Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Moby, Moby Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Michael Stipe, Michael Stipe Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Moby, Moby, Moby, Michael Chiklis

# Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis

# Michael Chiklis, Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Michael Chiklis, Heston Blumenthal... #

APPLAUSE

You might have been thrown by Blumenthal at the end there, but how many Mobys did you count? Phill?

-12.

-You're going for 12.

-Noel's team?

-14.

The correct answer was 15, so, Noel, you were closest with 14...

Sweet Christ!

-Tell him the right way to do it or sutin!

-What's going on or sutin?

Turn over the...the envelope?

"Dear Points Of View...

"I do not pay my licence fee to see an envelope that was one way up in one scene,

"only to see the envelope the other way up in the next scene.

"Thanks for pissing my money against a wall!"

APPLAUSE

"The worst pub quiz ever..."

LAUGHTER

It wouldn't be in that accent, though.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"Dear Points Of View, envelope one way, then the other way or sutin!

"Complete sperm shit!"

"So you spend more money or sutin? Fuck you!"

-So the party theme thing went well?

-Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-And all the guest hosts have this done?

-Yeah, yeah. Well, the cool ones.

-Yeah, right, OK.

LAUGHTER

That's the end of the tour.

Well, go on. Twat off!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

Email [email protected]

Don't fight it, Arnold.

Don't fight it.