Episode 1 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains very strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome to the new series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks -

the pop quiz that refuses to cynically jump on popular, bandwagons

so sit back and enjoy as we aim to inspire a generation

with our gold medal-winning pop trivia.

Nothing like the Olympics - Never Mind The Buzzcocks 2012 opening ceremony.

He's been on the show since the first series. In fact, historians believe he won the first episode

by beating Hercules in a chariot race around Mount Olympus -

it's team captain, Phill Jupitus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

After the humiliation of the gender test, we can confirm

he's half man, half goth and half crow, made of fudge and rainbows.

It's team captain, Noel Fielding!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, introducing your guest host for the evening -

she's the holder of the gold medal in ladies individual speed smoking -

it's tonight's games maker -

Kathy Burke!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome to a brand new series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Kathy Burke and I'm perfectly placed to host a topical pop quiz,

because I think all modern music's a bit rubbish,

and I haven't bought a record since the Sex Pistols broke up.

LAUGHTER

But I'm not as old as I look. I've yet to reach the stage of wheezing and then weeing.

So, on Phill's team tonight...

Is a member of N-Duz

who's now finding success as a solo artist.

In fact, out on N-Dubz, only Tulisa has more hits on YouTube.

It's Fazer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a stand-up comedian who says her first gig was years ago

in what she describes as "a rough Newcastle pub."

Of course, the Northeast has changed since then.

That pub is now a gastro shit hole.

It's Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, with Noel tonight...

It's the singer of Blink-182,

who is so rock and roll

he claimed he once wore the same pair of underpants

for an entire ten-week tour.

The band also threw a TV out the window.

But that was purely for ventilation purposes.

It's Mark Hoppus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an Olympic hero.

Having him here gives me the same feeling I get receiving Christmas presents.

I think, "That's a really odd-looking jumper." It's Gregg Rutherford!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, then, we begin with a round called Mo' Money, Mo' Problems.

Phill, Fazer and Sarah, take a look at this.

# Smoke up a cigarette... #

That's right, it's gifted drug abuser,

Snoop Dogg!

LAUGHTER

# Sensual seduction... #

That was Snoop Dogg with Sensual Seduction.

But which of the following objects under your desk has Snoop Dogg been selling?

Is it A - what Fazer has - his own brand of dog biscuits?

B - a smokeable songbook?

Or C- has he designed his own children's clothing range?

LAUGHTER

So what do you think Mr Snoop has been up to?

I'll let you know a random fact, yeah?

-Yes?

-He's actually changed his name

to Snoop Lion, for some bizarre reason.

-And he's doing a reggae album.

-"Snoop" what?

Lion.

-I thought you said "Snoop Laying."

-No, like a lion.

-You know what that is?

-What?

-Evolution.

Yeah?

LAUGHTER

He starts as a dog,

and become a progressively larger animal.

I imagine his next incarnation will be

"Snoop Buffalo".

I was going to say "Buffalo".

I was thinking of a larger animal.

LAUGHTER

Before you answer, Fazer -

you were in a combo called The N-Dubz...?

"The" N-Dubz? N-Dubz, yeah.

And it was you and your friends...?

-My childhood friends.

-Lovely.

-And you know Miss Tulisa?

-Yes, I do.

-Can I ask you...?

-Yes, you can indeed.

-When you were dating Miss Tulisa...

-Yes.

..Did she ever whisper in your ear,

"I want a brown baby!"?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

To be honest, she never have, but if she did,

I think it would come out something like that.

-LAUGHTER

-Beautiful.

What about the kids' clothing range?

I don't know if that's likely.

I don't know where you'd stock it.

Look - it looks like "Ganstalumpa".

LAUGHTER

You'd have to go to "Motherfuckercare", wouldn't you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is a book where you can smoke the pages - is that the idea?

When you buy the book, you have to go to a guy's house and listen to his demo tapes for a while?

LAUGHTER

Let's see what this is like.

Feel free.

It's like the Dutch Yellow Pages.

LAUGHTER

That's rather nice, actually. It's quite mellow.

A mellow thing. Very good.

Let me press you for an answer now.

-It might be the book.

-It's the book.

You're absolutely right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's right - the answer is the book.

Snoop Dogg released a smokeable songbook, which contains Snoop's famous lyrics

printed on smokeable king-sized rolling papers.

Or if you prefer, you can get it as an e-book.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll do that through the whole show now!

I found something, it's worked, I'm sticking with it.

Noel, Mark and Gregg, have a look at this, please.

# I wish our hearts could come together as one... #

Loved worldwide by the mentally ill,

it's fresh-faced pop android, Justin Bieber.

That was Justin Bieber with Eenie Meanie.

But which of these products did Justin try to flog?

Was it A - his own range of vitamins and supplements?

B - his own range of nail varnish?

Or C - his own self-penned book of romantic poems?

Did he say "shorty" in that song?

I don't know what he said, the little twat, I wasn't listening...

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It could be the pan pipes.

LAUGHTER

Bieber's got a beautiful, delicate hand...

I think that it is the vitamins,

because I remember the commercial for this.

He said, "Bieber vitamins - it's the fastest way to get me inside you."

LAUGHTER

...Swallow me.

LAUGHTER

Gregg, what about you? Before you answer, Gregg...

I just have to say,

I am so thrilled you're on this show,

because I did say to the producers,

it would be marvellous to get one of our great Olympians on.

Obviously, I would have preferred Mo Farah...

LAUGHTER

Do you ever think about anything when you're mid-flight?

LAUGHTER

"I really fancy some toast."

It happens so quick, you don't have a lot of time to...

You haven't not landed?

LAUGHTER

Do you land in sand?

Do you ever worry you'll land on a dog-poo?

LAUGHTER

Gregg, now you're a well-known guy.

You've joined the elite of the beautiful flame-haired...

Celebrities,

who often are the butt of jokes.

I'm not into that, so let's play...

Name That Ginger!

APPLAUSE

Who Am I?

I have had 20 Top ten singles

and sold over three million albums in the UK.

What about Noel?

Chris Moyles called me "horsey chops".

And "that ginger one".

-The one out of Girls Aloud.

-Exactly(!) It's that one from Girls Aloud.

LAUGHTER

Is that officially her name - "the one out of Girls Aloud" (?)

That's what I have here!

Another one?

Let's play Name That Ginger!

LAUGHTER

-Who am I?

-Ronald McDonald!

LAUGHTER

I love karaoke.

I'ma big fan of fellow ginger, Paul Scholes.

And also like medieval history.

I like to call myself "The Ginger Wizard".

The first fact isn't correct.

I don't like karaoke.

LAUGHTER

-You love karoake!

-I've never sung karaoke.

-I assume you're talking about me.

-Yes, well done.

I've never even done Karaoke.

I'll make sure I never say that again.

I'd love it if tonight, you went straight to a karaoke bar.

Name that ginger. Who am I?

-I am characterised by my strong, sweet yet wooden smell.

-Chewbacca.

I have been used since ancient time to help treat digestive problems.

Ginger.

Who am I? It doesn't say that on this card,

but she's really fucking annoying.

-Geri Halliwell.

-That's right. Geri Halliwell.

Well done, everybody.

And thank you so much for playing Name That Ginger.

OK, back to Justin Bieber. What do we think he was selling?

I know it's not the book because the book says

"if I was your girlfriend" and it should be

if I WERE your girlfriend because that's a subjunctive.

It doesn't presuppose...

Presuppose the statement to be true

so you have to use the subjunctive, if I WERE your boyfriend.

And they say Americans are stupid.

I've got Bieber's ghost hand here.

You can high-five yourself or if Bieber's feeling a bit fruity...

Justin! Justin, what are you doing?

I've got his fucking haircut.

How did that happen?

I thought he loves all his song stuff...

You can jump like a powerful flea, so...

-Are you going to go with Greg?

-Yeah.

-You're wrong.

-Ohh!

-No, it is the nail varnish.

-What a curveball!

Justin sells nail varnish despite saying,

"I hate getting sticky stuff on my hands."

Just do what I do, kid. Swallow.

Bieber has broken a lot of young girls' hearts.

I say hearts - hymens.

At the end of that round, Phill's team have one

and Noel's team have nothing.

APPLAUSE

OK, here we go. Back by popular demand.

It's now time for the Intros round.

-Phill and Fazer, here are yours for Sarah.

-Oh, God.

1, 2, 3, 4. # Dum, dum diddle-iddle, dum dum

# Dum, dum, diddle-iddle, dum dum

# Doo doo-doo do doo doo-doo

# Boo boo-boo, boo boo, boo doo doo-doo doo

# Whoo-o-o-o whoo-o

# Whoo-o-o-o whoo-o. #

-When you both started screaming...

-Screaming?!

-A-a-a-ah.

-Exactly.

It's what I imagine a stroke sounds like in your head.

Aagh! Like that.

I've got nothing, pet.

-Shall I hand it over?

-I wouldn't bother.

It was actually Who's That Lady by the Isley Brothers.

This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Who's That Lady" by The Isley Brothers

That's the stroke bit.

OK, and the next one please, boys.

-# Du-u-u-u-h... #

-Death March!

-Kind of.

-OK.

# Duh, duh, duh

# Duh-duh-duh, duh, duh... #

-Sex it up a bit.

-OK.

# Duh-duh-duh, duh, duh

# Duh-duh-duh, duh, duh...

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Someone needs to see me dance!

Sorry, I was being one of Sarah's mates at a club in Newcastle.

I still have no idea what it is.

I imagine we've clouded the issue.

-Does anyone over here know?

-No.

-No.

It's Aerosmith and Don't Want To Miss a Thing.

-Oh!

-And this is how the thing starts.

INTRO STARTS

Who knew? Who knew?

You never hear this bit.

# Stay with me Just to hear you...

It's a big build-up. It's like foreplay coming from Steven there.

Really?

-Do you think he's sexy?

-Oh, I do!

I'm nearly 50, mate, of course I think he's sexy.

He's still alive!

Amazing

APPLAUSE

So that was The Isley Brothers with Who's That Lady?

The Isley Brothers were once a six-piece band,

but two of the brothers died.

I know what you're thinking, "If only that would happen to Jedward!"

LAUGHTER

And then we ended with Aerosmith with I Don't Want To Miss A Thing.

Steve Tyler says his idea of fun is finding the right stewardess

and turning her upside-down in the back of a plane.

You can't do that on Ryan Air, costs and extra seven quid!

Right, so, Noel and Mark, here are yours for Greg, my darling.

-All right.

-OK

-Oh, right.

-First one.

Two, three, four.

# Doo-doo-doo! Doo-doo! Doo-doo!

# Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Ding-ding-ding! #

TUNE IS SIMILAR TO BAA-BAA BLACK SHEEP

I liked this song when it came out.

# Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

-# Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

-Doo-doo-doo!

# Ding! #

-Has that helped?

-I do know this.

-Xylophones.

Imagine you're flying through the air and you hear that.

# Doo-doo-doo! #

-Gotye?

-That's right.

-And it was Somebody I Used To Know.

-Correct!

APPLAUSE

Well done!

And here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

You nailed it. You got this.

Kathy SINGS ALONG

# Three bags full! #

Can we have the next one, please, lads?

# Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom! #

MARK TAPS HIS FEET

# Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!

# Doo-doo!

HUMMING BECOMES MANIC

-I've got a funny feeling it was played at the Olympics.

-Might have been.

A fair bit. I'm going to guess and I might get it wrong, is it Survival?

Ohh-hh!

Yes. Well done, Greg.

APPLAUSE

Absolutely right. It's Survival by Muse and this is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Yes...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

If I was training for the Olympics, that's exactly the sort of music I'd like to listen to.

Just sounds like someone's coming after you with a knife.

LAUGHTER

OK, so that was Gotye with Somebody That I Used To Know.

For a joke, one of Gotye's friends recently tweeted

that he had passed away whilst riding a unicorn over a double rainbow -

a phrase not heard since a customs officer asked Noel Fielding, "Purpose of visit?"

LAUGHTER

We finish there with Muse with their official Olympic track, Survival.

Survival was the official song of the Olympics, although Greg will remember a different musical moment,

proud atop of the podium as 80,000 people stood together

and in one voice bellowed, "Come on, Mo!"

Yeah, story of my life.

And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two

and Phill's team have one.

APPLAUSE

OK, Round Three is the identity parade.

Phill's team, how about a little early '90s bass grunge?

Here is Nirvana.

# With the lights out It's less dangerous

# Here we are now Entertain us

# I feel stupid and contagious Here we are now

# Entertain us... #

OK, that was Nirvana with Smells Like Teen Spirit,

but which of our line-up is Spencer Eldon, the now grown-up baby

featured on the front cover of the band's iconic album, Never Mind?

Is it number one - never mind,

number two - never mind the buzzcocks,

number three - never mind the tiny cocks...

LAUGHTER

..number four - never mind, your mum still loves you...

LAUGHTER

..or number five - aw-w, never mind?

LAUGHTER

Phill, team?

This is the first time we've ever had an actual photo of the person in the line-up to work from.

Is there a reason why number four has got a massive pixelated cock?

Just compared to the other ones, it's much bigger, isn't it?

That's right.

-Number two looks very confident.

-Yeah.

-He does look confident within himself, doesn't he?

-He does, doesn't he?

I'm just pleased for him as a man.

There's a saying, "I'm feeling comfortable within my skin."

Yes, it's that funny little smile. Look at his face!

LAUGHTER

It's almost like a baby now - look at him!

I could pick which one I most want to breastfeed.

I think it's number two cos his face is exactly the same - look at it.

Bless him.

Number two - is that your final answer?

-Yeah.

-OK, well, let's find out. Would the real Nirvana baby please step forward?

ALL: Oh-h!

Lovely! There's lovely Spencer.

How did you get the gig, Spencer?

Well, my dad was going to school with a bunch of photographers

and one of his photographer buddies called him up

and said he was in a bind and he needed a baby and would throw him in a pool

and I was just born at the time so they just threw me in the pool.

How much sex have you got from being the Nirvana baby?

I definitely got laid at least twice because of that, maybe more.

LAUGHTER

At one point in the relationship do you bust that secret on...?

Very first line.

LAUGHTER

Now he's working as a screen printer in LA - Spencer Eldon, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

OK, Noel, Mark and Greg, how about some, it says on the autocue here,

"Hardcore teen indie pop rock"?

Well, whatever it is, it sounds shit -

it's Miley Cyrus.

# I wanna be with the one I know

# And the seventh thing I like the most that you do

# Yeah! You make me love you... #

OK, that was Miley Cyrus there with 7 Things, but which of our line-up is Carl McCoid,

a Miley Cyrus super-fan, who has covered his body in tattoos

dedicated to Miley Cyrus?

Is it number one - Miley,

number two - Miley-strung,

number three - Miley Little Pony...

LAUGHTER

..number four - my place or yours? -

or it cost so much to get him on the show, we thought we'd better get our money's worth out of him,

number five, Spencer Eldon, the Nirvana baby!

APPLAUSE

Is it number five?

LAUGHTER

Number two looks like Steven Tyler.

me and you, then, after the show, baby!

Is he ginger?

Yeah.

It's one of your crew!

He's a wrong jumper.

-Number four looks...

-He looks upset.

-He looks like he's really about to...

-Kill all of us.

Has he got any arms or is he just...?

-I'd go for number four.

-Yeah, you go for it.

-It's on me, I'm picking four.

Number four? Well, let's find out. Will the real Carl McCoid please step forward?

ALL: Oh!

APPLAUSE

Marvellous!

Wow! So you've got loads of Miley Cyrus tattoos?

-17 up to now.

-Can we have a look at your tattoos, please?

Wow! This is the best part of the show.

-Oh, wow!

-Oooh!

-Is that her on your arm?

-Yeah.

-Both arms.

-Wow!

-Oh!

I've got one on my leg as well.

Oh, my goodness.

You know she's got some of you, don't you?

LAUGHTER

I reckon so, yeah.

Can we ask number four why he looks so upset this whole time?

LAUGHTER

Do you know why? He's only got 16 tattoos. He's not the biggest super-fan.

I didn't want to say this but I've got a Fazer on my chest.

I saw someone with my face on their arm.

It was actually on twitter when I saw it and she said to me,

"Oh, my God, when I get old, man, my Fazer tattoo's going to look wrinkly."

Someone replied, "Don't matter, he'll be old by then so he'll match up."

LAUGHTER

Now preparing for a new tattoo of Miley's latest album cover, Carl McCoid, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two and Phill's team have one.

APPLAUSE

And so we end with Next Lines. Noel's team, you're in the lead so you go first.

Here we go. "Oh, can't you see what I mean? Might as well..."

"Do a long jump"?

"..jump." Van Halen, Jump.

ALL: Oh!

"A Mac dad will make you..."

-Jump!

-Jump!

That's it - jump.

"Say it ain't so, I will not go..."

"Turn the lights off, carry me home."

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

That's our song!

CHEERING

Blink 182, All The Small Things.

"Hello there, the angel from my nightmare."

-"The shadow in the background of the morgue."

-Oh, isn't it marvellous!

CHEERING

Blink 182, I Miss You.

"Jump, jump for my love."

# Jump, jump for my love, jumping! #

-"Jump in and feel my touch."

-That's what I said.

-I think we should give him the point.

END-OF ROUND JINGLE

So Phill's team, you need seven points to win.

-It's not going to happen.

-Give it a go. "I've got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it..."

"I've got some cream from the doctor's."

"I'm sexy and I know it."

# Sexy and I know it! #

"Me and a couple, man, rollin' in a whip..."

Sounds like something N Dubz would have done.

# Rollin' in a whip! #

Did you just say, "It sounds like something N Dubz would have done"?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Rollin' in a whip...

-Rollin' without a G - rollin'...

in a whip.

It's "met a pretty young lady or should I say a bitch?"

His face!#

That's N Dubz, I Need You.

Oh, yes!

"Ooh, baby, I'm hot, just like an oven."

LAUGHTER

"But I need a good clean!"

"I need some lovin'." It's Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing. I can't believe you didn't recognise it.

Right. "Cock back, lock and loud..."

That's mine. It's, "Cock back, lock and loud, I got my aim, I'm ready to go."

That's it. Fazer, Killer.

APPLAUSE

END-OF ROUND JINGLE

And so the final scores are Phill's team have two,

but Noel's team are tonight's winners with seven!

That's it for tonight, thanks to Phill, Fazer and Sarah Millican,

to Noel, Mark Hoppus and Greg "Jumpers" Rutherford.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Kathy Burke.

Thank you, Mrs Patterson.

And as you enjoy the credits, we're going to see if Mark from Blink 182

can actually blink 182 times before those credits end.

Enjoy. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Good luck!