Episode 2 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains strong MUSIC: From ET, the movie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Skpam pull or EG, which is a bit like ET, the T becomes a G,

hence EG, like in ET. Ask your mum about it, it's really

good. Trust me. On Phill's team - it's a rapper who we can confirm

absolutely does not share the same name as the current diet Victoria

Beckham is following, it's wretch three two.

-- Wretch 32. And he made his movie debut this

year in the film The Wedding Video playing an oaf with a questionable

sense of humour. Thank God no acting was required. It's Rufus

Hound. And with Noel tonight - is a British soul singer and Mercury

Prize nominee who's debut albuff is entitled Is Your Love Big Enough.

Though it's not how big your love is, is it lads, it's what you do

with it. It's Lianne La Havas. And the choir master who has spent

much of his career getting young boys to open up, but in a positive

way. It's Gareth Malone. APPLAUSE

We begin with a round called Guess Who?. I'm going to show you a

picture where we've morphed together two familiar faces. Whose

faces have we morphed together faces have we morphed together

here? I think somewhere Tom Jones is looking at a paternity suit,

whoever it is. I like the afro with the fringe at

the front. That's a look people should think about. Might want to

think about. It's two pop stars which have been smashed together.

Before you answer, Wretch and Gareth, I was nervous tonight

because you're both from very different walks of life. I thought

that you could share some likes and dislikes and then by the end of the

night, we can ensure that you get on...

# And the Love Kick Starts Again # Do you like that? That's my song.

Is that you. Just so you know. # And the Love Kick Starts Again #

So let's get to know each other better. I never want to come to a

cocktail party at your house. This is like let's get to know each

other, but you've turn today into a haupbtding moment. Why don't you

tell Gareth where you last went on holiday? Ibiza. Where did you go?

Cornwall. See how different those two are. Could you tell Wretch

about your favourite snack found, do you like houmous? Love it. I

love baba ganouch. Do you know what that is No I don't. It's like

tabboloue. I'm a bagel kind of man. And occasionally chips as well.

you say I eat the whole hole in the middle. No. Could you tell Wretch

about the last time you cried? I can't remember. I want to share.

Obviously. Think back anyone in your family died recently. Yes. I

cried at ET. I really tried hard not to.

Are you a crier? Probably when I was younger yeah, at some point.

would be, I imagine. It can't have been when you were older. Yeah,

then we'd be in trouble. I imagine that you do that crying that kids

do when you go afterwards. What about you? Have you ever drunk your

own tears? You know when they... You can say yes. Roll down your

face. Sometimes they land on your lip and you get a taste. Any way, I

feel like we're getting to know each other better. Back to the

picture. Who are the stars? One of them is Chris Martin out of

Coldplay. And the other one is clearly will.i.am from the Black

Eyed Peas. Let's see if you're correct.

That's correct! It was Chris Martin and will.i.am.

Is that a bow tie or a rare butterfly? It's so beautiful

butterflies land where a bow tie should be.

LAUGHTER Which of these two claim their

music has been used to put horses in the mood for sex? I played

Coldplay to my cat and sterilised it. The last time I heard a Black

Eyed Peas track I wished instead a horse was fucking me in my ear.

LAUGHTER Real horses or pantomime? Real

horses. Do you think when you're shagging a pantomime horse someone

goes, "Behind you!" It depends if you ask a horse for its phone

number... Horse code! APPLAUSE

I was thinking about a pantomime horse cumming and it being fabric.

Don't worry about it. Let's make the show about this. We should

change this show to the filthy pantomime horse show. It should be

never mind the horse cocks. APPLAUSE

# And the Love Kick Starts Again # We know what that means. Right,

Gareth, why don't you tell Wretch which songs you like to make love

to. A healthy dose of silence. Yeah? It's It's hard to maintain an

erection to pie jesu. Do you make love to horses? No. As I'm always

in a rush, drum and bass man. make a suggestion to Wretch, don't

put it out there that when you make love you're in a rush. Hey ladies,

I'm quick. On that note would you say you're

adventurous in the bedroom? APPLAUSE

See, two very different people. Back to the horse sex, who are we

thinking? I think it's got to be will.i.am because he seems to have

this vibe like he came from the future and he's come back to bless

us with his presence. Maybe that's how it goes in ten years? That is

the wrong answer. Yes, apparently Coldplay songs put frigid old nags

in the mood for sex. Well it certainly worked on Gwyneth. It's

OK, I can say this, she goes to my gym. She walked past me the other

day on the stairs and she half saw me. When you say she half saw you,

do you mean I was standing on the stairs desperately trying to peer

into the ladies dressingroom when Gwyneth half saw me. I don't know

what's weirder, the idea of that joke or the idea that you go it a

gym. I imagine you waking up with sick in your hair. I can't imagine

you on the running machine. quite a keen gym-er. You certainly

have the terminology down. I like your presenting style. It's so

relaxed. A lot of people are like up, on it, bang. You are like, this

happened, deal with. It Noel, Lianne and Gareth look at

this and tell me who the celebrities are. It's so weird.

It's a bit clowny. I like it. Something about clowns I can get

turned on by. As long as they're silent. It looks like just one

person. It does. It's a very convincing minage of several people.

Do you want to guess. Let's push you for the answer. It's Nicki

Minaj. It looks like Jessie J-cloth, the eyes. Yes! That is correct.

Here's another question. Which of these two young ladies once

personally sung a girl out of a coma? I'm going to say I think it

was Jessie J. I feel she's the sort of person who would do that, be

generous enough to go. Are you saying that minaj, "There's someone

in a coma, we need you to sing." I've got stuff to do. If I get hit

by a bus, will you try? If that happened, God forbid, I would try.

No you have to work your way up. Initially you hum somebody out of

an asthma attack, whistle them out of the flu. Playen ban Joe when

they have herpes. I don't know. is better at being me than I am. If

I get hay fever bring the recorder round, yeah? Absolutely. You think

it's Jessie J. It's up her street. That is correct!

APPLAUSE It was Jezy Jay who sung a girl out

of a coma. At the end of that round, Phill's team have one and Noel's

APPLAUSE Time now for the ever popular

intros round. Phill and Wretch here are yours. OK? Yeah. Whoa, whoa,

whoa. Count me in Wretch 32. He's MUSIC

That's good. That's good. Is it, I hate to say I told you so. Do you

want another guess? Yes. If it's not that, then yes. Do you know?

it main offender, by The Hives. Very good. You're right. Here is

And the next one, please. One, two, MUSIC

Lenny Kravitz, are you gonna go my way. Correct, here's how it should

have sounded. We heard Lenny Kravitz with are you

gonna go my way. He's half Jewish and half black. Whereas I look

Jewish and wish I was black. Noel and Lianne here are yours for

Gareth. Before you start, as we've got

Gareth on the show, I have in my very own, very special military

wives. Ladies and gentleman. Actual military wives. Yeah.

Recognise them immediately. This looks like a freaky sort of

Mastermind. Is that your specialist subject? Yes. Is Rambo porn? Sorry

are we bothering at any point to justify this? We're all perfectly

happy? In 2012 we're just going to have ladies come out and I'm sure

you're all doctors and rocket scientists, but at the moment...

Rocket surgeons? Wow! Which one of you is a rocket surgeon? It's quite

Ramboesque. It is, I'm glad the heating's on. He doesn't know where

to look. I mean, no! I like this guy now, he's cool.

Me? Private Fielding can I ask you to do the... Are you ready. Do the

guitar. All right. Like a supply MUSIC

Is it U2? The correct answer is paradise city by Guns N' Roses.

You were supposed to do this? Next I was getting a black box right on

time feel there. But it wasn't that. I can be very upset when I turn

around and these people aren't here any more. The answer actually was

Robin S, show me the love. No-one did that riff. That's your

job. And thank you to the military choir.

APPLAUSE That's what defendants niz child

would have looked like if they'd come from Skegness. Is it Robin S

or F? Esque. He's got hay fever, somebody get a recorder.

APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Phill's

team have two and Noel's team have three.

Round three is the identity parade. How about classic mid-90s dance.

For the audience only, here's is Tony Di Bart.

That was Tony Di Bart with the lead thing. Who is the lead singer. Is

it number one, the real thing. Number two, the wrong thing. Number

three, the thing from the black lagoon. Number four, thingy out of

wotsit. Or number five, the thing we never talk about? Three, request

you imagine three having that piercing alto? No. I could imagine

three punching a man for a glass of cider. And then singing some sort

of shantsy. -- shanty. I do imagine him with his own trawler. Is it

just me does number two look pissed off. Number one runs a mobile phone

franchise. I think one or four. think one or four. I'm pretty

certain it's number two. And the reason I am is because when Example

said the geezer's name he turned around as if he was like being

summoned for a conversation. Tony? Yep. Will the real Tony Di Bart

step forward. Now producing and writing for other artists, Tony Di

Bart. Ladies and gentleman. How about some feel good pop from the

80s. For the audience only, here is Owen Paul.

# Baby, you're my favourite waist of time

# Mine, baby, you're my favourite waist of time. That was Owen Paul

with my favourite waste of time. Which is Owen Paul. Is it number

one, my favourite waste of time. Number two, my favourite uncle.

Number three, my favourite pop star is miley siers. Number four, my

favourite panel show is 8 Out Of 10 Cats. Or number five, my favourite

film is psycho? I'm thinking one, two or three personally. Shall we

ask four and five to sit down? can make it easier for you because

number five is actually my dad. Your dad's Hulk Hogan. I was

strangely drawn to number one. what way? I don't know, I felt a

tingle when he came in. I've got the worst technique ever, worse

than Columbo's. I don't have a may. It's not four. I have a feeling

it's two. It would be one and you had a thing. Listen, my thing

should not be relied upon. This thing, you know, let's do what you

want. Do you want to say a number. Two. Let's go with two. You think

one. Let the lady go for it. think it might be number one.

tension in this team. No pressure, number two. Listen Columbo always

gets it right in the end. He pretends to be absolutely stupid.

Number two. I'll go with my team. Let's find out, would the real Owen

Paul step forward? I told you! APPLAUSE

My tingle. Now with an album available to buy, Owen Paul, ladies

and gentleman. APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, Noel's team have three and Phill's team

have three. # And the Love Kick Starts Again #

You know what that means, it's time to get to know each other a little

betser. -- better. As you're best buds now,

I'd like you to come up with nicknames for each other. A

nickname for Wretch. Be very careful. Yeah nothing stupid like

Wretch 32. What's your real name Mr Wretch. Jermaine. You can't say

that on TV. Is that a secret. Are you like in disguise? Wretchy.

That's good. I like that. Have you got one for Gareth. I'm going with

the classic GM. Oh, I like that. Some of the meatier stuff now. Do

you prefer shaved, trimmed or au naturelle. Probably shaven haven.

What would you prefer of those three, there are other options?

This is an impossible question to... I can't answer well. What are you

into this morning? 70s bush? I do the singing. OK. Wretch could you

think about this as well, we've toured together, have you ever

slept with a groupy? You know this is an awkward question to answer

because it depends what you define a groupy as? It depends what you

define sleeping as. The way to answer that is not a wink. No, he

hasn't. You on the other hand, any soldiers' wives? No! Categorically

no. Are you serious, their husbands away in Afghanistan? And they've

got guns and helicopters and they know where I live. No. Wasn't me.

APPLAUSE Brilliant. I feel like we know each

other so much better, not just you two, everyone. That is the end of...

# And the Love Kick Starts Again # Do a dance. Brilliant. We're going

to end with a special game I've created called Example's examples.

I have categories. I'm going to ask you for examples of things that fit

into the categories. If your answer matches the card you win a point.

For example, if I said the category was worst ever winners of X Factor,

you could say forever, Alexandra Burke. That would match what's on

my card and you would win the point. It's odd that you go for Alexandra

Burke over a more traditional target, a Brookstein. The duet she

did with Beyonce was one of the most magical moments of musical

television. If we're going to start mocking her, where does it end?

Let's find out, as we play Example's examples. Phill you go

first. Your time starts now. Give me an example of an overly muscular

pop star? Madonna. Correct. An example of another member of

Coldplay other than Chris Martin? Dave the drummer. Dave what?

drummer. I don't know either. Give me an example of a musician who

likes to make love to drum and bass? Wretch 32. Give me an example

of someone who likes to sing about tractors? The worzels. Me. No rod

any Atkins or Jason Aldine. They had I want a brand new o combine

harvestor. That's not a tractor. Give an example of an annoying pop

star. Yesterday ward. It's my example. Yehdihe Lehbib. No Averil

Levin. Give me an example of a whiney pop star? Cher Lloyd. Yes.

Nel's team you need four points to win. Your time starts now. Give me

an example of a bow tie wearing musician. Will.i.am. Very good, but

it's not here. Harry styles or Frank Sinatra. Give me an example

of a sexy member of the Spice Girls? Scary. What year? Oh. 93.

mel B, post 1999, or Emma, pre-1999. Give me an example of the Best Song

ever made. Yours, with a button. another one. Yesterday by the

Beatles. No you can't have that. That's a great song stkpw. Bohemian

Rhapsody or my latest single. Give me the worst possible pop star duet.

Averil Levine and Cher Lloyd. me the cleverest pop star? Will

Young. No. Morse risy. David Bowie. D reams, Professor Brian Cox or

Professor Green. Give me an example of the most annoying member of

Jedward? The one on the right. You could have had Jed or ward.

Give me a pop star whose name sounds like the dish patatas bravas.

Lianne La Havas. Yes! So the final scores are: Noel's team have five.

But Phill's team have six. APPLAUSE