Episode 3 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Jack Whitehall and to anyone who is thinking, "Hey, he's not cool.

"He doesn't have any musical pedigree." Let me tell you this.

At school, I was on the same fencing team as James Blunt's cousin.

Oh, yeah. Welcome to thug life.

On Phill's team tonight -

if you're a fan of McFly, you'll be

delighted to know they're actually appearing at Wembley next July.

Yes, they've got tickets to go and see One Direction.

It's Danny from McFly.

CHEERING

And, she is the funniest woman to come out of Australia

since Barry Humphries and maybe Shane Warne.

It's Celia Pacquola.

CHEERING

And with Noel tonight -

he's a comedian and the answer to the question -

what would Noel Fielding have been like

if he'd been kept in an attic all of his life?

It's Paul Foot.

CHEERING

And, star of American Pie -

a film where a guy has full sex with an apple pie.

I've never had full sex but I did once lick out a Greggs Steak Bake.

It's Mena Suvari.

CHEERING

We begin with a round called Especially For You.

Phill, Danny from McFly and Celia, take a look at this.

# Ooh, this is an SOS... #

Yes, its celibacy ring wearing vagina-phobes The Jonas Brothers.

Say what you want about the Jonas Brothers,

if they've achieved one thing,

its managing to make McFly look like fucking Nirvana.

LAUGHTER

That was the Jonas Bros with SOS.

But which of the following objects underneath your desk was

given to them as a gift by a fan.

Was it A - a voodoo doll of the band, B - a dead shark

or C - a jar of toenails?

With toenails it's always a jar, isn't it? Do you know what I mean?

It's never a bum bag of toenails, is it?

Of course, the foolish thing about that is

when you drop the jar of toenails in your, I don't know, crypt,

it smashes and then how can you tell glass shard from toenail?

I assume they get a lot of, you know,

those younger boy bands would have the crazy fans.

-I don't think they're technically a proper boyfriend.

-Are they not?

Well, they wear the virginity rings. These are not virginity rings.

So, they have a ring that is a message saying...

It's a ring you put on and then you don't have sex.

It's like a wedding ring. You put it on and then no more sex.

That's what they do, isn't it?

What's the rules on masturbating?

-Thanks for doing a gesture, by the way.

-Do you have to take it off?

It seems like you probably should. It depends.

I like making love to my hand.

I light some candles, you know? Have a little scent.

Surely, it would be easier to stop the Jonas Brothers having sex

if, instead of a ring on one hand - that's no prevention at all -

you need a cone like you put round a dog's neck.

But around their waist like a plastic skirt to stop them

getting near their dirty business.

God does it in different ways.

That's the point. Sometimes he does it with rings. Susan Boyle -

he did it with a moustache.

LAUGHTER

When does he give you a ring?

He doesn't turn up, does he, with a box of rings?

Do you wake up at night and there's a ring under your pillow?

It was the virginity fairy.

When you were in McFly, did you ever think

of wearing the virginity rings?

It would have been nice for Tom

so he didn't feel left out when you were getting laid.

LAUGHTER

I didn't mean that in a mean way. But if you look at the band, like...

Who's not getting any pussy tonight?

That's because he's fighting crime.

LAUGHTER

You've all got your thing, haven't you? I always thought

you had the sort of cheeky, naughty boy thing going on.

You'd take someone on a date to a fairground, drink a little bit

of White Lightning on the ghost train then finger them in a dodgem.

LAUGHTER

Mena, Mena. How lovely is it having Mena on the show?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You look very beautiful. I love what you're wearing.

You look like a little swan. Are you a fan of McFly?

-Say yes.

-They are amazing.

-Of course.

# We're going to go to the year 3,000

# Not much has changed but we live underwater

# And your great, great, great granddaughter

# She's pretty fine. #

That's busted, isn't it?

-Oh, shit.

-Are you saying we live on the water? Like swans?

Swans don't live on the water. They go on to land as well.

But what does live on water is a swan pedalo. One of those...

LAUGHTER

I saw a swan actually pedalling a swan pedalo.

It was really confusing.

Mena, I very much liked you in American Beauty.

-It's one of my favourite films.

-Thank you.

When you were all naked with the petals on you

-and they were just covering...

-My bits.

I remember. I got through about four boxes of Kleenex.

No! I had hay fever. I was thinking of all the pollen from the petals.

Sorry, they're assuming that I... Well, I didn't on that scene.

It was the on with you on the sofa naked with Kevin Spacey.

That's when I nearly wanked myself into a coma.

Jesus.

-A little bit of chafing.

-Beautiful.

-Do you ever get sent weird stuff by fans?

-No.

I think I got a letter from prison once. Someone.

Yeah, but we've all got a terrible uncle.

-You've never got any, like, dirty laundry or anything?

-Oh, God, no.

It was in like a carrier bag and it was tied up...

It was yours!

-What about paintings? Have you received any paintings?

-No.

So lucky I made copies!

That I sent to you about three years ago,

I call it Ocean Bliss and it's me and you, we're water-skiing.

It's for you. And then I did this one...

-But you haven't signed it.

-..which I call Barmy Summer.

-Wow!

There's Barmy Summer.

This one is Contorting The Actress Mena Suvari With My Python Cock.

This is one...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..I did.

I really, really want that one.

-They're all for you and I meant to send them, but...

-This is amazing.

What am I thinking in this? I'm kind of looking off.

I think fear is what I was...

-You shaved, I see?

-I have a very hairless body.

-Yes, it's nice.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm very into male grooming. Anal bleaching as well, I do that.

Seriously, when I bend over, it's like opening a fridge door.

It lights up the room.

McFly, you might want to take notes here,

this is a little bit of a masterclass in flirting.

-We actually got sent a tampon in the post.

-What?!

-There we are.

Was it blue like the advert?

-Yeah, blue!

-Let's go back to the Jonas Brothers. Have you met them?

-Erm, I have actually, yeah. We performed with them once.

-Really?

They actually liked one of our songs and performed it at Wembley.

I bet their version sucked balls.

I bet you were like, "Rrrr." I bet you sent them the voodoo doll.

And the toenails. So, can I push you for an answer?

What were the Jonas Brothers sent by a crazed fan?

I think the toenails thing, maybe.

I'm from Australia. We just get... Sharks is just normal.

It's like bills, bills, shark, bills, shark.

No big deal, so we'll go with toenails as well.

OK. That is the wrong answer, I'm afraid. The correct answer was B.

The Jonas Brothers were once sent a dead shark as a gift from a fan.

Kevin Jonas said, "How did they buy it?

"Is there a website called Buy A Dead Shark?" Of course not, you idiot.

It's called we-buy-any-shark.com.

Noel, Paul and Mena, have a look at this.

# Romeo, Romeo... #

She's a '60s sex symbol. Think what comes after cougar

and then go two more after that. It's country legend Dolly Parton.

# I ain't never seen a cowboy look that good in jeans... #

Dolly Parton with Romeo, but which of these objects was left on Dolly's doorstep by a fan?

Was it A, a baby, B, a cowboy or C, a baby cow?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS

-That baby.

-That's an ugly baby.

-That...

If I had a child and it looked like that,

I'd leave it on Dolly Parton's step.

I'd go, "Oh, you're beautiful. Get on the step!"

-That improves it.

-Dolly, I love you!

-Look at you, you're so motherly.

-My child.

-What the...?!

I mean, really? That's Chucky! "I'm going to get you!"

"I'm going to get you." Let's put him in the boot, Jesus Christ.

Someone from Social Services is going to watch this

and have a heart attack.

Mena, before we guess what the answer is, we thought

we would play a little game in honour

of you being on the show, based on my favourite scene

in American Beauty where cryptic clues are hidden beneath petals.

I call it Petal Detector.

JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

-OK.

-Let's play Petal Detectors!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Any Other Name" by Thomas Newman

This is your first cryptic clue. Mena, guess what it is.

Is it a murderer who's put those pictures there on a bit of board.

"Oh, there's my new victims!"

That's Kevin from Grand Designs.

-Kevin and what's the next picture?

-Ah, Kevin Spacey!

-Yeah!

Woo! Kevin Spacey cos he was in the film.

With Mena in it!

Here's the next one. What's it going to be? Let's play Petal Detectors!

-MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC

-Oh, it doesn't work to that dance.

-Oh, cryptic clues.

-Lincoln...

-Oh, pie.

-American Pie!

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

That's not really a pie, is it? It's an estimation of pie.

It should be American estimation of pie.

-Shall we play the final one?

-Yes.

Wrong video! Wrong! No, stop!

-Yeah!

-What's going on there?

You were smooth, like a Ken doll. What's that?

I let myself go a little bit.

Um, so let's get back to the game in hand,

the Dolly Parton - who left what on her doorstep? What do we reckon?

You couldn't leave a live calf - it'd be against the law.

-Versus a baby!

-Leaving a baby's pretty bad.

Not if it's dead. You can leave a dead baby.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I mean, obviously it's technically against the law

-but it won't cause any inconvenience to anyone, will it?

-God.

She...

Can I... Can I push you for an answer?

-Was the cowboy dead?

-Um...

When a cowboy dies,

they've reached the end of their natural usefulness.

I normally steer him into a swimming pool.

LAUGHTER

Take them up to the diving board

and give them one last jump.

Like a synchronised swimming Brokeback Mountain?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Would you like to tell me the answer? I would listen to you a lot.

-Cowboy.

-You've gone with "cowboy"?

I'm afraid it is not a cowboy.

Dolly came home one day to find a baby in a box on her doorstep,

with a note in it saying,

"My name is Jolene, my momma has left me and wants you to have me."

-Hm?

-It's actually quite a heart-warming story.

After discovering the mite on her doorstep,

Dolly gave it to Social Services and never saw it again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for everyone's favourite - the intros round.

Phill and Danny from McFly, here are yours for Celia.

I'll try and remember how that goes.

...Any way I'm going to know this.

BOTH: Da-da-dum-dum-da-dun, Da-da-dum-dum-da-dun.

Ooh! Na-na-ni-now.

Da-da-da-dum, dum-dum.

Da-da-da-dum, dum-dum.

Da-da-da-dow.

Ah! No idea.

Erm... Da-da-da-da.

-Da-da-da-dum.

-That might be a bit wrong, actually.

The Da-da-da-dum(!)

Oh, close!

-Is it?!

-No.

Da-da-da-da.

-I'll throw it over.

-Daft Punk.

Oh. Daft Punk.

It's not Daft Punk.

-Oh, sorry.

-LAUGHTER

I didn't think so.

-The correct answer was The Black Keys, Gold On The Ceiling.

-Oh!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Gold On The Ceiling" by The Black Keys

LAUGHTER

Yeah, rock star!

Chung, chung, chung!

-Argh, ah!

-LAUGHTER

Next one, please.

Bum-dabba-dow, da-bum.

Dig-a-dig-a-ding.

Bum-dabba-dow, da-bum, bum, bum.

Ting.

-Bum-dabba-dow, da-bum.

-Dig-a-dig-a-ding.

Bum-dalla-low, da-bum.

BOTH: Diddle-a-dum-ba-bum.

That was bloody good, actually.

That was lovely. That was a beautiful rendition.

APPLAUSE

I'm just going to go to the airport and deport myself.

-LAUGHTER

-D'you want to guess?

I, I, I... I don't even know.

Give me a hint.

It's by Destiny's Child.

I should know Destiny's Child! It's not Survivor?

-That would be wrong.

-Bills, Bills, Bills!

Bills, Bills, Bills - it was, exactly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mena! Mena! Tune!

Bills, Bills, Bills?

By Destiny's Child?

Put this on... come round, I'll cook you a shepherd's pie...

open a bottle of merlot...

couple of episodes of Ice Road Truckers.

-Oh, yeah!

-LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child

Destiny's Child - Bills, Bills, Bills.

When Beyonce had her baby, she and Jay-Z hired the entire floor of a New York hospital.

"What would THAT cost?", I hear you ask.

Well... three pensioners, someone waiting for a heart transplant,

and I had to wait four hours for what should have been

a routine cucumber removal.

LAUGHTER

We also heard Black Keys with Gold On The Ceiling.

Some people have accused The Black Keys of sounding a bit samey.

That's nonsense. That's a signature sound.

You might as well say McFly songs are a bit samey.

-The "samey" as Busted.

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Now, Mena, here are yours... for Paul.

-Oh, my God!

-Are you confident?

-You come in strong with this one, yeah?

-OK.

BOTH: Ding-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding

Dig-a-dig-a-diggy

Eh-neh, eh-neh.

Eh-neh, Eh-neh, eh-neh, eh-neh.

Dum-dum-dum-dum...

Eh-neh, eh-neh, eh-neh...

LAUGHTER

Well, the first thing is to isolate the genre, time.

-Yeah.

-That would be...

melodies of the... '90s, I'd say.

LAUGHTER

So, then, I have to analyse

which of the gangs...

bands, they were, in the '90s.

In the '90s, there would have been The Spice Girls

-and Take That was the '90s.

-Yep.

So, sounded not like The Spice Girls.

They were more, "Wooh!" - like that.

LAUGHTER

You don't know, do you?

I've thought of a singer from the '90s.

-Final answer?

-"Celina" Dion.

-It's NOT "Celina" Dion.

LAUGHTER

I reckon we could play the actual song and he might not still get it.

-Let's hear the actual song.

-I think that's a better way of playing the game with you.

MUSIC: "Banquet" by Bloc Party

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, you're mean!

Paul, the answer is...?

Sounds like a band...

Could it be...?

Could it be Guns'N'Roses?

Guns N' Roses is not the right answer!

It's Banquet by Bloc Party,

-and that's how it should have sounded.

-Oh!

Final chance. These guys are pretty big.

Famous now, famous for a long time.

Famous now and for a long time?

I feel we should just wing it.

Fuck it, I'll tell you who they are - it's Coldplay.

-All you have to do is get the song.

-OK.

Oh!

I can't believe they're making me do this.

Is Coldplay the one with James Blunt?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've told you it's Coldplay playing the song, and then you try and guess.

OK.

MUSIC: "Paradise" by Coldplay

Why don't we write it out like hangman's?

AMBIENT SYNTH

# When she was just a girl... #

Paul? Paul, there's your clue.

Paul? Paul! Paul, there's the clue! Look at the clue.

Paul, look!

Paradi...para...pu...

Oh, I see - Paradise.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The answer was Coldplay, Paradise, one point to Paul!

And at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point

and Philll's team have one point.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mena, as one final gift for being such a lovely guest on the show,

I actually, in honour of my second favourite film of yours,

decided I would bake you a pie with your face on it.

-My God.

-So there is the pie I have baked for you to keep.

-Oh, my God!

-It's apple.

-PAUL: It's got a hole in it.

-Sh!

I was just testing to see whether it was still warm.

Round three is the identity parade.

Philll's team, it's Eminem and Robbie Williams.

# I'm Slim Shady Yes, I'm the real Shady

# All you other Slim Shadys Are just imitating

# So won't the real Slim Shady Please, stand up

# Please, stand up Please, stand up... #

# Bodies in the Bodhi tree Bodies making chemistry

# Bodies on my family Bodies in the way of me

# Bodies in the cemetery And that's the way it's gonna be. #

That was Eminem with The Real Slim Shady

and Robbie Williams with Bodies,

but which of our line-up is Kimberly Lee

who was presumably forced to do a kiss and tell

on both Robbie and Eminem?

Is it number one, kiss and tell,

number two, kiss the boys and make them cry,

number three, I kissed a girl and I liked it,

number four, I kissed a girl and it wasn't really for me,

or number five, kiss of death.

LAUGHTER

-What was she in?

-No - did a kiss and tell, like...

-HE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS

And then... Actually, I don't think they write them themselves.

I sort of don't want to know.

-You don't want to know?

-I don't want to know.

Can we draw kittens?

Instead? Can we just draw kittens?

Yes...?

I've got a pen here, is that all right?

-Would you judge the best kitten?

-All right, yeah.

-Thanks.

Should we put a time on this and race or are we going for artistic...?

-NOEL:

-30 seconds, go!

Danny from McFly drawing a pussy from memory.

You legend. You absolute legend.

-NOEL:

-Have you finished?

-DANNY:

-Yeah, I finished.

I said kitten! You've drawn a vagina!

-Yes, we've actually drawn kittens!

-Oh, I thought you were...

I don't think I want Mena to have to see that.

-It's very smutty, Mena, I'm sorry.

-I did mine as a Philll Kitten.

-Oh, that Philll Kitten?

-See?

-That's beautiful.

My one has small bowl of cream.

-Danny, let's see it.

-Just show it.

-You dirty boy!

Just show what you've done, you despicable man!

Show the cameras, Danny from McFly!

Oh, you sick bastard!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is a family show!

Did you really think we were all going to draw...?

-I thought kittens was a nicer way of putting it.

-You've put him off his cream!

I think the winner is definitely Philll. That is a brilliant cat.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-PAUL: I think I know which one it is.

-Just from behind?

Well, number two, about five minutes ago she just went like that...

And, sort of, did something to herself in a kind of dismissive,

"What am I wasting my time here for?

"I've done a kiss and tell, I'm the real one," way, whereas the others

have been more professional, so I think number two is the real one.

Would the real Kimberly Lee please step forward?

You have to step forward a bit more, actually.

Now studying to be an actress with a role in Downton Abbey -

only one of those facts is true - it's Kimberly Lee.

APPLAUSE

Now, Noel, Paul and Mena -

how about some classic early '90s butch boy-band action?

It's Take That.

# Oh, you can do what you like

# Do what you like

# No need to ask me

# Do what you want

# Do what you like

# Do what you like

# No need to tell me

# Do what you want. #

That was to Take That with Do What You Like,

but which of our line-up is Paul Ellard

who was very nearly a member of Take That?

Is it number one, take that,

number two, take that hand off my leg,

number three, take a long hard look at yourself,

number four, take two of these after meals

or number five, take this one back - it's broken.

Why are they all dressed like this? Is that what Take That were like?

Yeah, they were in the early days.

All leather and flesh.

-Are you liking that?

-I'm liking it.

-You want to get over there, don't you?

-I want to get over, yeah.

Go on, get over there. Have a feel.

Yeah, have a feel.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, this man is quite strong.

Yeah, they would have had a strong one in there.

He's got a good face. He looks like he could be in a boy band.

We're all on a level playing field

cos that guy could be Jason Orange and I wouldn't know.

Oh, that isn't Take That? I thought number three was Gary Barlow.

He looks like he's going to hit you.

He can't hit me, I've got show business immunity.

So, he looks relaxed about his life. I reckon this man, in reality

works in a council, dealing with council tax rebates.

This man is not making eye contact with me.

His favourite... Ooh!

He looks like he's in a gay porn version of Mad Max The Thunderdome.

This man, his face is...

gnarled by years of bitterness.

And he's worn a sort of codpiece thing tonight,

and I think he did that cos he was like, "Whatever!

"I just want to get on the telly! I'm wearing a codpiece!"

I think I've seen enough to make my decision.

If you'd like to make your way back to the desk.

APPLAUSE

-It's number one or number four.

-Number three? He'd get it!

Yeah, you know I'm talking about you.

Look down at the floor, little cheeky smile.

And I wouldn't want any eye contact, so that's good.

You keep looking straight ahead, big guy.

Wring you out like a wet towel. Ooh! You like that!

Yeah! Yeah!

Do you want to make an educated guess?

It's number one, but we'd like to think it would be number four,

cos that would be somehow more amusing if it were.

Well, let's find out. Would the real Paul Ellard please step forward.

Oh! Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Paul, what happened? You went to the audition?

I got to the auditions in London. They came in and said to us,

"Don't worry, you don't have to be able to sing."

Dancing, 18 hours straight,

some man walked in and said "I'll have him, him, him and him."

Now, Jack. Can we find out more about the others?

Number two, what is your real job?

Do you really work in the council sorting out rebates?

Sitting there all day saying, "Yeah, yeah, you'll get that rebate."

And you're just thinking, "What's the point of it?

"Life is so pointless I can't be bothered with it all.

"I'm going on Buzzcocks next week, give me a chance to get out."

Everyone in the office will be saying, "Ooh! Saw you on Buzzcocks!"

In real life, I'm a gangster.

-A gangster?

-Yes.

-That's not really a job, though, is it?

NOEL: You are in so much trouble.

It's about time the Inland Revenue looked into this man.

That was the least gangster gesture I've ever seen.

Yeah, you watch it, baby.

My life is in danger, but, hopefully,

Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs will get to you, first.

LAUGHTER

He is going to find you. He's gone to hunt you down.

He's gone to bust a cap in your ass.

-Oh, is that nice?

-LAUGHTER

I've never had that before.

Right, and on that note.

Now, running his very own cabaret business,

under the alias Mr Cabaret, Paul Ellard, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

So, we end with Next Lines.

Phill's team, you go first.

Your time starts, now!

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy..."

That's Eminem! Vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

"Forgetting what he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud,

"he opens his mouth, but the words don't come out."

Sorry, right. "She's just a loner with a sexy attitude.

-"I'd like to phone her, cos she puts me in the mood."

-Five Colours, McFly.

-Yeah, but you've got to say the rest.

-Oh, what is it again?

You wrote it!

# She's just a loner, with a sexy attitude. #

That's Tom's, that Tom's.

-That doesn't count! You still sang it!

-What is it?

-# I'd like to phone her, cos she puts me in the mood.

-#

The rumour's spreading round that she could be a dude?

Cooks in the nude! Not, "could be a dude!"

It's the live version, could be a dude. Why don't you give me my bit?

-That's Tom's part.

-Because he wrote all the good ones!

Oops, I did it again.

-You played with my heart.

-Louder!

# You played with my heart... #

That's lovely. Britney Spears, Oops! I Did It Again. Correct.

END OF ROUND MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need five points to win. Your time starts now.

-"We started singing bye, bye, Miss American Pie."

-Oh, come on.

Took the Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.

Correct. Don McLean, American Pie.

"You know the preachers like the cold, he knows I'm going to stay."

-California dreaming.

-Yeah, that's right.

"Tumble out of bed, and I stumble to the kitchen."

And then make myself baked beans on toast.

No, it's "pour myself a cup of ambition." Dolly Parton, 9 to 5.

END OF ROUND MUSIC

APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are, Noel's team have four points,

but Philll's team are tonight's winners with five points!

APPLAUSE

Thanks to Philll, Danny from McFly, Celia Pacquola,

Noel, Paul Foot, and Mena Suvari.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

I've been Jack Whitehall.

I don't think I'm ever going to be allowed near Mena Suvari again.

Thank you very much.

And, over the credits, in honour of American Beauty,

I'm going to show you the most beautiful thing I have ever filmed.

There's just so much beauty in the world. Good night.

MUSIC: "Any Other Name (American Beauty)" by Thomas Newman

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd