Episode 4 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains very strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks Radio DJ Special!

But who will be your DJ superstar host?

No, not you, Tony Blackburn.

Sit yourself down, Mike Reid.

In your dreams, Pat Sharp.

Please welcome your rightful host for the evening, Nick Grimshaw!

MUSIC: "Dream" by JayZ

Hi.

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I am Nick Grimshaw, the saviour of Buzzcocks. Hi, welcome to the show.

On Phill's team tonight...

is the lead singer of Spector,

whose sound has been described as somewhere between Roxy Music,

The Strokes, The Killers, Kanye West, Pulp and Frank Sinatra.

In fact, they're one of my favourite bands of the '80s indie rappy

croony scene of the moment.

It's Fred Macpherson.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian nominated as Best Newcomer at this year's

Edinburgh Fringe. He's been compared to Julian Clary, which means,

if he's lucky, in 20 years, he too could end up winning a Z-list

celebrity based TV show on Channel 5.

Lucky him, it's Joe Lycett.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team,

we have...a man considered to be the UK's answer to Justin Bieber.

Watch out, Bieber, everyone pretty much forgot about Elvis

when Shakin' Stevens arrived on the scene.

It's Conor Maynard!

APPLAUSE

And she's an Italian who's so intelligent,

she is now completely fluent in English.

Well, apart from the phrase,

"No, I'm not available to be in that reality show."

It's Nancy Dell'Olio.

APPLAUSE

Now, before we get started,

as this is the Never Mind The Buzzcocks Radio DJ special,

I've given you some Hey Mr DJ cards.

At any point, you can play that card to request a DJ of your choice to help you out.

Please do use those cards because we've made buzzers. Have a listen.

JINGLE PLAYS "Mike Reid!"

JINGLE PLAYS "Pat Sharp!"

JINGLE PLAYS "Tony Blackburn!"

APPLAUSE

Can we use them after the show cos I need someone to paint my kitchen.

Always available.

See you Wednesday!

Nancy just whispered in my ear, "Which one's the most experienced?"

JINGLE PLAYS: Tony Blackburn!

In mullets.

JINGLE PLAYS: Pat Sharp!

We begin with a round called Guess Who?

I'm going to show you a picture where we've morphed together

two well-known faces from the world of music.

All the teams have to do is tell me

who those famous musical faces belong to.

Phill, Fred and Joe, you're up first.

Whose faces have we morphed together here? Have a look at that.

-Wow.

-Is one of them Pauline Quirke? I think the cheeks are.

He looks like he's skinned another human being and is wearing their skin.

-He's got the weird eyes coming through.

-He's got an evil eye.

-One laser eye.

-A laser eye?

-A laser eye.

-Pauline Quirke doesn't have a laser eye.

-She has a lazy eye.

She does. She chooses not to use it.

She has got that ability.

She goes out in the street when no-one's up and just...

-Are you talking with me?

-What?

-Are you talking with me?

-No.

LAUGHTER

-Have you just woken up?

-No, I'm awake.

When you're not talking, do you go to sleep like a laptop?

-Then you have to sort of be like...

-No, I'm listening to everything.

You mind your business. I'm listening.

This laptop's got claws.

If it is a laptop, Noel's shirt looks like the screensaver.

We're actually doing a quiz show here. Any idea who those people are?

-That's David Bowie.

-Yeah.

-And Beppe from EastEnders.

-Oh!

-Do you know Beppe?

-No, who's him?

-Who's him?!

He's Italian, I thought...

His family run an Italian restaurant on Albert Square.

-Any ideas who you think these people might be in real life?

-Bowie and...

-Tom Jones.

-That is correct. It is Bep... No, sorry!

LAUGHTER

It's not Beppe! It's Tom Jones and David Bowie.

Let's see the picture.

Which of these did Slash from Guns N Roses say he caught naked with his mum?

Well, logic dictates it would be Jones. He's a legendary swordsman.

Who would you rather walk in on,

your mum with Tom Jones or your mum with David Bowie?

Have you met my mum?

What would be disturbing is a threesome. That would be wrong.

-AS TOM JONES:

-Oh, go on, love, give it a go. That's fantastic.

-Tom, please, you're getting in the way.

-Out of the way, boy, you idiot.

I'm trying to have sex with this lady.

Everyone imagines Tom Jones as the more sexual of the two,

but I think he'd get up to more freaky shit, let's be honest.

What do you, think, Nancy? Have you ever met either of them?

-Yes, I've met both of them.

-Have they ever tried it on with you?

Yeah, but it's like everybody. Everybody tries.

-Do you know who either of these people are, Conor?

-Yeah, I met...

They're old people.

I met Tom Jones, he didn't try and have sex with me, which was cool.

-You got rinsed.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-He thought you were frigid.

-No, he didn't.

-Who did Slash's mum get busy with, do we think?

-It's Bowie.

That is correct. Slash walked in on his mother and David Bowie.

Slash once said that he wore leather trousers

because they're more forgiving when you piss yourself.

That explains Denise Welch's new leather house!

Noel, Conor and Nancy, take a look at this,

tell me who these two celebrities are.

LAUGHTER

-Definitely is Elton John, one.

-Do you know Elton John?

-I do.

Is there anyone you don't know?

Well, of course. I didn't know you, first of all.

Oh, no!!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

NOEL: Who's that in the bottom half?

I feel like if we add a mullet... Is that all right?

JINGLE PLAYS Pat Sharp!

-Have you ever interviewed Elton?

-Erm, no, never.

-OK, thanks.

JINGLE PLAYS Pat Sharp!

-Can I keep that?

-Yeah.

-I want to make Top Trumps when I get home.

Mullet, '94.

-It's one of the Gallaghers, isn't it? Cos of the eyebrows.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Which one?

-I don't know if it's Noel or Liam. It looks more like Liam's chops.

-Yes.

-Liam and Elton?

-Let's see if you're right.

That is correct. It's Elton John and Liam Gallagher.

We have some of my favourite Liam Gallagher quotes, here.

Now, they might have to bleep some of this out.

-On going out to gigs, Liam Gallagher says,

-"BLEEP

-that. What's the point?

"All bands are shit."

-On the Glastonbury spirit: "I

-BLEEP

-hate Glastonbury.

"I'm here for the money."

-On the Scissor Sisters: "Bright colours and

-BLEEP

-weirdos on stilts?

"No."

-Nancy. Do you know Liam?

-No, I don't know Liam. I know his brother, Noel.

-You know Noel?

-Yep.

-We share the same football team.

-You support Man City?

I do support Man City, because... Yes.

-Do you go on the terraces and fight?

-Arsenal is my first team, of course.

-You support Arsenal AND man city?

-And Man City.

-Yes. I was the First Lady of English football.

-Who called you that?

-Well...

-LAUGHTER

OK, here's a question for you.

Which of these two people say they have a body shave once a month -

Elton John or Liam Gallagher?

NOEL: Do you want help from a DJ?

OK, she's gone for...

JINGLE PLAYS Pat Sharp!

Pat Sharp, My question to you is,

who has a body shave once a month - Liam Gallagher or Elton John?

I don't know personally, but I would go with Elton,

because often people who are bald have a lot of hair on their body.

JINGLE PLAYS Pat Sharp!

How does Pat Sharp know what bald people looked like naked?

LAUGHTER

-Erm, Conor, what do you think?

-I don't know, really.

As if Conor knows about shaving!

I feel like this is a nice family setup.

Like Noel and Nancy have adopted Conor, or this is your child.

And you've basically come in and said, "Dad, how do you shave?"

And I've gone, "You're probably best to ask your mum."

Nancy's texting her agent under the desk.

No, I'm just... You know, I'm learning.

LAUGHTER

-Come on, give us the answer to that.

-You think it's Elton John?

-It's Elton John.

-I'll go with your knowledge of body...

You think it's Elton, that is correct.

Well done.

It is Elton John who says he has a body shave once a month.

Who says David Furnish does nothing to deserve that lifestyle?

Elton once said that he should have died in the 1990s.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa!

Who'd have played piano at Diana's funeral?

Can you play piano?

Nancy can't play at Elton's funeral.

-I mean, what kind of question...?

-Do you want me to play piano at your funeral?

My funeral would be a big party.

-Can we get invites?

-Yes, of course.

Everybody I met is going to be invited.

-Is it fancy dress?

-Of course it will be fancy dress.

You're ready, darling.

Right, the end of that round, Phill's team have two points

and Noel's team also have two points.

OK, time now for the nation's favourite thing. The Intros Round.

Phill and Fred, these are yours for Joe. There you go.

Are you excited about this, Joe Lycett?

The most current song I know is the national anthem,

so, I feel like I might struggle.

-Tell you what, maybe you'll get one of these.

-Yeah, you could get a DJ.

-Tony Blackburn. I'd like to play Tony Blackburn.

-Come on down!

JINGLE PLAYS Tony Blackburn!

-Hi, nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you.

You're going to perform to Joe and Tony Blackburn?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Shall I count in?

-Yeah, you start. Yeah.

One, two, three, four.

# Glink, gink-gink, gink-gink eh-eh-eh-eh-uh

# Uh, dink-dink duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

# Duh-dink, dink-dink dink-dink-gink-gink-gink... #

That's...

-Oh, hello! -From X Factor.

Is that right? It's One Direction.

-Yes!

-Is it One Direction?

-I know it!

-It's One Direction, do you know the name of the track?

-Bollocks!

Yes! "Bollocks" by One Direction!

And this is how "Bollocks" should have sounded.

MUSIC: "That's What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction

NOEL: # Summer lovin' had me a blast... #

TONY: Yeah, it's just like that.

ALL: # Summer Lovin' happened so fast

# Met a girl, crazy for me

# I met a boy cute as can be

# Ba-ba-da-bum summer days drifting away

# Whoa-oh-oh oh, the summer nights

# Oh-well-oh-well-oh-well-oh ooh! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Move onto the next one.

-One, two, three, # Jing-jing-jing-jing-jing-jing

-Boom! Ksh! Gun-ga-da-gung

# Jin-jin-jin-jin-jin-jin

-# Jin-jin-jin-jin-jin-jin

-Bug-a-bug-a-bug-a-bug-a-boom!

# Do-do-do-do-doooo da-da-dow-dow!

-# Wah-wow-wah-wow widdle-diddle-wow

-Digga-digga-dun, dun-dun

# Dun... Da-ga-dunk-dunk... #

It's like Where's Wally? having a stroke.

-I have no idea.

-No, no.

-Any ideas over here?

-Not sure about that one.

-Erm, do you know? No. Oh!

# Dun-dun-dun-dun, duh dun-dun-dun-dun

TONY: # Da-da-dum-da-dum

# Summer days drifting away

ALL: # But, oh! Oh the summer nights

# Oh-well-oh-well oh-well-oh ooh!

# Tell me more, tell me more... #

Now Nancy by herself!

Oh, OK.

Don't be rude to your mother.

Seriously, you'll get a clip behind the ear. Er, yeah, it's...

It's basically if your hair and shirt made a song.

Which... They have made a couple of albums.

They did some, sort of, white reggae. It was awful.

-Can we ask...?

-Who do you want? You want Reidy?

-Yep.

JINGLE PLAYS Mike Reid!

Any ideas what that just was, just there, Mike Reid?

-James Marshall Hendrix.

-Correct!

-Jimi Hendrix.

-All Along The Watchtower.

All Along The Watchtower! Correct!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "All Along The Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix

-It was pretty good.

-Well done.

-Your performance was horrendous.

-What! It was brilliant!

I'm going to put that on our CD, on the front.

"Horrendous" - Nancy Dell'Olio.

Tony Blackburn, thank you for coming down. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Blackburn.

Thank you. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tony Blackburn!

All Along The Watchtower

was Jimi Hendrix's only Top 40 hit in America,

whereas Conor Maynard has had two.

It's good to finally put that age-old

"who's better?" argument to bed. The stats don't lie. You're better!

Yes!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Yes, Conor.

-I can't believe it!

Noel and Conor, here are your cards for Nancy.

-OK. You ready?

-Yeah.

-CONOR BEATBOXES

-# M-ka m-ka m-ka bow-bow

# Bm-ka bm-ka bm-ka bow-bow

# Boom chk-a boom chk-a boom chk-a boom

# M-ka m-ka m-ka bow-bow

# Der der diddly-der... der!

# Baaaaa...

LAUGHTER

-Mum!

-# Booo... #

LAUGHTER

Mum, we play every day!

-No?

-I need help.

-No, of course not!

-Who do you want, then?

What do you mean, "Of course not"? That was genius.

-Erm...

-Oh, I can't believe I married you.

LAUGHTER

-Who do you want? Do you want Sharpy?

-Yes.

-JINGLE

-# Pat Sharp! #

Pat Sharp, who the hell were they doing an impression of just then?

I have no idea.

-Thank you very much, Pat Sharp.

-APPLAUSE

Pat Sharp!

Any idea over here? Phil's team?

It is Mark Ronson - Oh My God, featuring Lily Allen.

That is absolutely correct. Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Oh My God" by Mark Ronson featuring Lily Allen

-See, you never performed it properly.

-Ready?

BRASS PLAYS IN MUSIC

-See, you just weren't concentrating.

-Absolutely, I was not concentrating.

You look like two baddies from a Disney film.

-We've kidnapped Conor Maynard.

-"Come on, lady!

"Let's kidnap them puppies!"

It'd be a good idea for the BBC. A new show.

Do you reckon? Nancy And Noel Kidnap Some Dogs, on BBC Three.

We're going to drop an atlas on a Dalmatian.

-Do you like Bieber? Have you met him?

-I haven't met him, no.

-I walked past him once.

-Really?

-I feel the comparison sometimes...

-That was surely a shop window.

LAUGHTER

..I've got to sometimes embrace it and take it in,

and I feel like that's why I actually have done for you today...

-There he is!

-LAUGHTER

Our Justin.

APPLAUSE

Are you all right? Have you gone again?

What you doing later, Nancy?

That's my wife! Get back!

-Are you coming with us for dinner?

-Shall we all go out with Nancy?

-ALL: Yes!

-She's well rich, she's paying. Yeah!

I can see her now. AS NANCY: Four hundred Happy Meals!

-AS NANCY:

-Make it quick, or the Dalmatian gets it.

OK. Do the next one for Nancy, please.

-Here we go.

-OK.

# Dum...dum-dum...dum-dum...

-That's...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

ALL: # Dum...dum-dum...dum-dum...

# Da da-da dum-dum

# Summer lovin', happened so fast...

# Summer lovin', had me a blast... #

I've blown it. I'm sorry.

I'm only 12, OK? LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, come on, Bieber, let's do it.

-CONOR BEATBOXES

-What's that?!

# Bow... bow-bow...

# Bow... bow-bow

# Bow...bow...

# Bow...bow...

# B...

I think I just made that up.

-That's different songs. Any ideas, Nancy?

-No.

-No. OK.

-No, of course not.

Any ideas over here what the hell that was?

-No.

-No.

-It was The Ting Tings,

Be The One. This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Be The One" by The Ting Tings

-Oh, my God.

-Not so good from Conor.

-LAUGHTER

-And then...oh, dear.

It's completely another world. I mean, it's nothing...

That's a wonderful piece.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A wonderful piece.

A wonderful piece.

So that was The Ting Tings with Be The One.

Speaking about their second album, Sounds From Nowheresville,

Jules Martino said, "It would have been very easy

"to bash out any old shit off the back of the first album,"

which explains exactly why they did.

Right, Round Three is the identity parade.

Phill's team, how about some early noughties kiddie-pop,

your favourite of the musical genres?

For the audience only, here are S Club Juniors.

# One step closer to heaven, baby

# Means one step closer to you

# There'll be no more living without you, baby

# I'll be counting each minute

# Till I'm back to you... #

That was S Club Juniors with One Step Closer,

but which of our line-up is Stacey McClean,

one of the original members of the group?

Is it - Number One, S Club...

Number Two, G-string...

Number Three, ex-con...

Number Four, ex-addict...

or Number Five, F off?

LAUGHTER

One thing I'm thinking, it's not Four.

She looks like an '80s Bond villain. It's about the age range.

Two of the S Club Juniors are in The Saturdays.

They're in The Saturdays,

and the rest of them had Saturday jobs, I presume.

Maybe if we sing their song and see who reacts?

# One step closer to heaven, baby means...

No, no-one.

-They're all smiling.

-Let's do it more aggressively.

-(STERNLY) # One step closer to heaven... #

-Two!

Number Two.

Two shuddered when you did that, Joe.

Two's trousers are very well-ironed, whereas...

look at Four and Five.

Ohhh!

Do you need an iron?

Pat Sharp's free.

But One looks freakishly...

what's the word when someone reminds you of something?

"Familiar". LAUGHTER

She has a great skull. I always think about

-what people's skulls look like inside their head, and...

-What?!

-Wow!

-Do you not think about that?

Go and sit with the Dark Mistress over there.

-Maybe me and Dell'Olio should swap.

-Yes, for a while.

AS NANCY: No, do not do that.

What's your answer? Do you think One or Two...?

Two, shall we say Two?

-My team are very drawn to Two.

-You're going for Number Two?

-Yes.

Let's find out. Would the real Stacey McClean please step forward?

THEY CHEER

APPLAUSE

Now doing gigs as a solo artist, Stacey McLean, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, Noel, Conor and Nancy, how about a little bit of smooth R&B?

You'd like that, wouldn't you, Conor?

Yeah (!)

Yeah. For the audience only, here is Dante Thomas.

# She's Miss California

# Hottest thing in West LA

# House down by the water

# Sails her yacht across the bay

# Drives a Marinello... #

Right, that was Dante Thomas with Miss California,

but which of our line-up is Dante Thomas?

Is it...number one, Dante Thomas?

Number two, Doubting Thomas?

Number three, Peeping Thomas?

Number four, Thomas the Tank Engine?

Or number five, John Thomas?

-What a cool name, Dante!

-Dante!

-OF COURSE you were going to be an R&B star!

-Yeah.

-There was no choice, was there?

-No, absolutely no choice.

-Do you know about Dante?

-Yeah!

-Do you?

-Well, of course.

-Who is he?

-He invented the telescope.

Dante didn't invent the telescope!

It was Galileo, wasn't it!

A little confusion.

It doesn't matter. We'll talk later.

-LAUGHTER

-I bet that's what it looks like

outside your bedroom door of a morning, Nancy.

Can you see from there? You said you couldn't see.

-No, I can't see from here.

-Do you want to go have a look?

Go and have a look. Who do you think looks really R&B, Nancy?

Number two looks genuinely very nervous about this.

-PHIL:

-You look like my Auntie Pat at a buffet.

LAUGHTER

Ooh, when she sees a vol-au-vent...

-NOEL:

-Yeah?

-Any ideas, Nancy?

-No.

-Why are you being...?

Is Dante Thomas Conor's real dad?

Number three's just having a LOL of a time!

Look at him! You think it is number three?

I think it is number three. I shouted, "Dante!"

and he's the only one that looked.

-Shall we see if Blackburn knows?

-I reckon Blackburn might know.

THEME PLAYS Tony Blackburn!

Any idea who the bleeding hell he is?

Well, I think it's probably number three.

Mike Reid, hang on.

THEME PLAYS Mike Reid!

-He's disagreeing.

-I think it's number two.

-Uh-oh, really?

-The shape of the mouth, the teeth,

and the shape of the hair.

The shape of number two's teeth means that he's Dante Thomas?!

Indeed.

-NOEL:

-When you said it was number two, number three looked agitated.

Like, "I'm Dante Thomas!

-"There's only one Dante Thomas!"

-OK, let's take a guess.

-Who do we think it is?

-CONOR: I want to say number 3.

All right, you say what you want, son, because it's your day out.

Let's find out. Would the real Dante Thomas please step forward?

Oh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mike Reid knows his R&B people through teeth alone!

THEME PLAYS Mike Reid!

Now a success in Germany, Dante Thomas, ladies and gentleman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What you think, Nancy?

-Not too bad.

-Not too shabby!

-Have you got a boyfriend, Nancy?

-Have you got a boyfriend?

Well, we're married, so I should know.

-I've seen you out there, dancing with other men.

-Well, of course!

While me and Conor are indoors, playing Battleships.

Do you know what I think about monogamy?

-PHIL:

-It was a good game, that. I like it.

-Who's your lover?

-Tony Blackburn.

THEME PLAYS Tony Blackburn!

Are you Nancy Dell'Olio's lover?

Yes, I am! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The end of that round, Noel's team have three

and Phil's team have five.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So we end our DJ special with Next Lines.

Phil's team, you're in the lead, so you go first.

Your time starts now. Hey, Mr DJ, put a record on.

I want to dance with my baby.

Correct, by Madonna. Wake up, it's a beautiful morning.

Ba-ba-badda-bada-ba-dah!

Incorrect.

Feel the sun shining for your eyes. The Boo Radleys.

I don't want to rock, DJ.

But you're keeping me up all night. That's one of yours.

One of mine?

I'm not Robbie Williams.

I don't want to rock, DJ.

I don't want to rock, DJ...

But your something is something, something.

Correct! Robbie Williams - Rock DJ.

You walked back into my life, not innocent, but holy.

We didn't have to fall in love, we could have climbed down slowly.

Wow, Fred. That's beautiful.

-Thank you.

-Spector - Upset Boulevard.

Our album's available now, ladies and gentlemen!

I'm in Wigan next weekend, so, if anyone wants to...

..I'll be doing 20 minutes and then I'll be off.

-Anything to plug, Nancy?

-PHIL:

-Ooh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

END OF ROUND THEME

Right, so Noel's team, you need five points to win.

Your time starts now.

Boom, shake, shake, shake the room.

Boom, boom.

Beethoven.

-I don't know.

-It's tick, tick, tick, tick, boom.

-by DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince, of course.

-Oh, come on!

-Also more difficult!

-That's not difficult!

Hey, shake, shake, like you're famous, girl.

Hair back, lay it down like a Vegas girl - me.

-That is Conor Maynard's Vegas Girl.

-Yeah.

-Is it hair back, or head back?

-LAUGHTER

It's actually both.

It actually switches every time I perform it,

-to make it interesting for me.

-Sometimes, do you say, "hairy back?"

That's the Elton John remix.

When the stars make you drool,

just-a-like-a pasta fazool.

-That's amore!

-Yeah! Dean Martin.

That's Amore.

-Did you know that one?

-Of course, yes.

Comme te po'capi

che te vo bene.

-It is Italian?

-Come on, Nancy!

You speak the language of love!

Can you try it again?

Try it in a more Italian accent. Maybe that will urge her.

-EXAGGERATED ITALIAN ACCENT

-Comme te po'capi

che te vo bene.

I've got a boner.

LAUGHTER

-Should I give it to you?

-Yeah.

It was, of course, the next line...

si tu le parle

mmiezzo americano. Duh!

That was, of course, Yolanda Be Cool.

Traditional Italian artist.

We No Speak No Americano.

-Oh!

-Aw, Nancy, you let your country down!

END OF ROUND THEME

So the final scores are Noel's team,

you have six points.

But Phil's team are tonight's winners with seven.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So that's it. Thank you to Phil, Fred McPherson, and Joe Lycett,

Noel, Conor Maynard, and Nancy Dell'Olio.

This is been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I have been Nick Grimshaw.

And, as we have some of this country's most legendary DJs

in the same room, as you enjoy the credits,

we're going to have the best disco the world has ever seen.

Good night!

# If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says

# 15 miles to the Love Shack... #

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