Episode 5 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

-LEE MACK:

-'Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

'And who is your host tonight?

'Well, if he were a computer, he'd be an Apple Mac.

'If he were a fast food he'd be a Big Mac with extra cheese.'

I thought we weren't doing that one...

'If he were a sex pest he'd wear a mac...'

Why are we doing that one?

'If we could afford him he'd be Michael McIntyre...'

I'm not doing that one!

I don't mind the sex pest joke but I draw the line.

'Let's get on with the show.

'Please welcome your host for the evening, it's Lee Mack!'

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I'm Lee Mack.

Unfortunately, Noel can't be here tonight as me and him

can't legally be within 100 yards of each other

following a fight when I attempted to tell him

that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't a documentary.

So in his place we've booked Professor Green!

APPLAUSE

And on Professor Green's team tonight,

is a singer who delayed the release of his 2010 album The Hits

because of a printing error.

Presumably the "S" was in the wrong place.

It's Lemar!

APPLAUSE

And a comedian whose Geordie accent,

cute face and lustrous hair has led to comparisons with Cheryl Cole.

It's only his beautiful singing voice that sets him apart.

It's Chris Ramsey!

APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight

is a singer whose prized possession is a note slipped

under her dressing room door signed by Bono.

Of course he slipped it under her door. He can't reach the handle!

-It's Amy MacDonald!

-APPLAUSE

And a comedian who is in the BBC sitcom, Him And Her,

although unfortunately, him and her were unavailable.

So here he is. It's Joe Wilkinson!

APPLAUSE

So we begin with Especially For You.

Professor Green, Lemar and Chris, have a look at this...

# Love will scar your make-up Lip sticks to me

# So now I'll maybe leave back there. #

The UK's top illegally downloaded artist. It's true.

In fact, I got this clip ten minutes ago.

Downloaded it in my dressing room, easy. It's Ed Sheeran.

That was Ed Sheeran with Drunk.

But which of the following objects was given to Ed

by one of his fans?

Was it A) A ukulele covered in ginger hair?

B) A carrot cake containing human hair?

Or C) An Ed Sheeran action figure made of human ginger hair?

Professor Green's team?

I can't get over the ginger thing.

It's like when people make professor jokes. "Oh, you're not a real Professor."

You should make an educated response to that if you're a professor.

Oh, you mean that type of thing.

Right, get it. I'm with you now.

Have you ever had anything weird sent to you?

I've had weird tweets sent to me. It's digital now, isn't it?

-People don't really send weird things.

-I've had a weird thing.

I was in France, at a hotel.

And I'm sure this fan had been waiting outside for ages

and she said, "Lemar, this is for you, take it to your home."

I went upstairs and I opened it, and it was a wishbone of a chicken.

It had a feather on it and some hair!

I kind of just went, "Urgh!"

Maybe it was a very skinny fan sneaking into your room.

A really skinny fan! Yeah!

You might have just killed a woman.

I don't want to spread rumours that Lemar killed a woman in his hotel.

-I'm just saying, that's what I've heard.

-I have killed no-one!

It's a lie!

Look at that cake, man.

It looks like the carrot cake's got a big, hairy arsehole on it.

What is the thing with crazed fans and hair?

If that was sent to me I'd say,

"I like it but I would like you to remove one ingredient."

The marzipan - horrible, isn't it?

Regardless of who sent in what, Ed Sheeran has some weird fans.

He's big in America so he's going to get all sorts.

Oh, he's going to have to wear a hat, it's hot out there.

He's going to burn, isn't he?

This looks like somebody skinned Bungle alive.

I think you'll find Bungle was dark brown. You're thinking Sooty.

Carry on, easy mistake.

Can you play this instrument?

# I want to be drunk when I wake up... #

There's more chords...

-It's out of tune, it's not your fault!

-Yeah!

Let's have a look.

It's only got four strings though.

I reckon Ed would probably like that as a present.

-It's better than a pubic cake, isn't it?

-Yeah!

Although I imagine the people from Greggs are watching thinking "Hello!"

Greggs don't sell carrot cake, they sell pasties and pies.

Wow! Who had money on you knowing that fact?!

Yeah, well, I live in Chelsea now.

And you're a professor.

I'm doing it again, aren't I?

He's told me not to do it, I can't help myself.

Hey, what's that, Sooty?

You wish somebody hadn't shoved their guitar up your arse?

-Are we having a guess?

-I'd say the cake.

You're right. The answer is B, the cake.

APPLAUSE

Ed was given the hair-filled cake by a fan and started eating it

before finding the clump of fan hair in the middle.

GROANING

It's not as sinister as it sounds. It just turns out Mr Kipling has alopecia.

Phill, Amy and Joe, take a look at this.

# At the Copa, Copacabana... #

Yes, he's cheesier than a French mousetrap, it's Barry Manilow.

# At the Copa, Copacabana... #

That was Barry Manilow with Copacabana.

But which of the following objects under your desk

did a fan send to Barry as a gift?

Was it A) A toilet roll with "I Love You" written on every sheet?

B) A box with a clown's head in it?

Or C) A goldfish called Barry? Phill's team?

What would be really good and a good joke to play on Manilow

would be to have thousands of rolls of this toilet paper

with "I love you" but the last sheet of every roll - "No, I don't."

Why would you need to write it on every sheet?

I mean, who's ripping off just one sheet each time?

-You're a very frugal man.

-I'm not made of money.

You may have very dirty hands but you're a frugal man.

I'm wrapping it around my hands quite a lot.

I mitten it up before I go in.

Have you ever had fans send you anything mad?

Yes, I had a plane ticket sent to me that was to take me

from my house to this place in Germany

with my lover, who was a fan.

-What class ticket?

-Just a cheap one.

Did you tell him you weren't going or is he still waiting there now?

I didn't get in contact with him, I thought it would be best.

There's a guy with a really long beard and some dead flowers at Dusseldorf Airport.

I tell you what, if I open that box and it is Gwyneth Paltrow's head,

I'll think the budgets have gone up on this show!

Wow!

Oh, God.

Holy...

God!

It looks like Ed Sheeran's dad!

-So what are we dismissing as a definite no?

-Get rid of lav rag.

The idea that putting something up your bum shows I love you.

I know from experience that's very hard to sell as an idea.

If you're putting it up your bum, you're using it wrong.

Listen, we're different people, Phill. I have to really get in there, you know what I mean?

I take it out of the Pot Noodle I've just eaten as well!

I brush my teeth from the inside whilst I'm at it.

Do you keep it on the roll, work it through your body

and kind of floss yourself?

Yeah!

I'd say go with the clown.

-It would get your attention.

-Yeah.

-Going with clowns, Ed?

-Yeah.

The actual answer is a toilet roll with "I Love You" written on it.

Barry Manilow was once sent a roll of toilet paper with "I Love You"

written on every sheet. I imagine he needs a lot of toilet paper.

I don't know if you've ever seen Barry close up but he has

the most enormous shitty arse.

Now, I wanted to dispel a horrible rumour going round

that I'm not rock and roll enough to host this show.

So to prove that I am rock and roll enough,

I'll read out some classic rock and roll antics

and all you have to decide whether it was me who did those things

or one of the most rock and roll bands out there today -

Fleetwood Mac.

Let's play Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac!

APPLAUSE

So, who once, after trying LSD, put on some robes, held a crucifix

and wandered about telling people they were Jesus?

Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?

Fleetwood Mac!

Don't dismiss my rock and roll possibilities so quickly, Phill.

-It might have been me!

-He looks like Jesus.

-Which one?

-He really does.

-He looks like you when you had long hair.

-Thank you.

He does!

I take everything as a compliment.

"You're a prick!"

"Very kind."

So we're going Fleetwood Mac.

The answer actually is Fleetwood Mac.

Who had to publicly apologise to Nicki Minaj, for saying on a TV show

that they would willingly go to jail for strangling her to death?

Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?

I'm trying to be all Brucie about it.

(MIMICS BRUCIE) "What do you reckon?

"Who tried to strangle her to death? Come on? Who was it?"

You look like you've got that in you.

No, that's Andrex, you're thinking of.

It was, in fact, Fleetwood Mac.

-Haven't they died yet?

-Fleetwood Mac?

-Yeah.

I lost interest after Tears for Fears's first album.

You are asking the wrong man.

Who once took four Berocca tablets in one morning

against the recommended dose...

Oh, yeah! Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?

That's rock and roll.

Amazing. That's properly what that glow is around your head.

You're damn right it was me because I laugh in the face of instruction.

Who once threatened their accountant with a shotgun?

Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?

Surely, Jimmy Carr should have been on that list!

-Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?

-Fleetwood Mac.

Of course it was Fleetwood Mac.

Who brought out his autobiography Mack the Life

about a simple northern lad who breaks in to showbiz

and which has already been described as a "cracking read"

and is available at all good bookshops

at the very reasonable price of £18.99?

-Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?

-I don't know but it sounds shit.

Yeah, you wouldn't like it. None of the words rhyme.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for playing Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac!

Time now for the round still sweeping the nation.

It's the Intros round.

-Phill and Amy, here are yours for Joe.

-OK.

-Right, do you remember that?

-I think so.

It's looks like you were showing her a photograph of you and her three years ago.

"Do you remember that? That's when you used to love me."

# Do-do-do-dah-da-dee

# Do-do-do-dah-da-dee. #

I love Star Trek!

# Daga-diggi-daga-diggi

# Boom-boom-boom. #

No, we're not allowed to go further, it's the Intro round.

I thought there was going to be words.

Oh, it's there.

Oh! You know, it's the bloody intro of that song.

-Joe, I'll give you that, you're close enough.

-Yes!

I won't. Blimey, you're a gullible lot, aren't you?

He's done well, he's close enough.

He was quite close with that.

If I had to guess, I would say it was early Aswad.

-I could throw it over.

-It's not Satisfaction, is it?

You're absolutely right. It's not!

LAUGHTER

It was actually The Automatic, Monster.

And this is how it should have sounded.

-You remember it now, don't you, Joe?

-Yes.

And the next one please, Phill.

One, two...

# Bam-bam-bam, bam, bam

# Bada-da, bam-bam

-# Ba-da-da, bam-bam, bow

-Ba-da-da, bam-bam, bow

-# Ba-da-da-dam

-Ba-da-da-dam. #

I'll be honest with you, I don't think that this round is my forte.

I don't know but I've had a free glass of Vimto

so I feel like a winner.

I'm going to...

-Cup. Cup.

-Cup?

Is that your answer, cup?

Do you want a clue? It's Kenny Loggins, Danger Zone.

Now, that your final clue.

It's bloody there!

Aswad covered it.

I'll have to pass it over, Lee.

You said you had it.

I think it's Kelly...

I thought you was serious for a second.

-This is why we should pay attention to them.

-He is serious.

He's actually serious?!

Something about Danger Zone.

Am I in a dream?

-Danger Zone.

-Danger Zone by...?

Kelly...

Kevin!

Kenny Loggins.

-And the song was...

-ALL: Danger Zone!

Actually, no.

The answer is cup.

And this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Danger Zone" By Kenny Loggins

We also heard Automatic, with Monster.

-Their last album, Tear the...

-HE GARBLES WORDS

No, that's... I forgot. I had a flashback.

I used to be a Japanese warrior in the 14th century, so...

We also heard Automatic, with Monster.

Dong-day-ah... Oh, I've done it again!

We also heard Automatic, with Monster.

Their last album, Tear... Tear...? It is "tear", isn't it?

Tear and tear, they're spelt the same, aren't they?

That's the problem.

I don't like words that are spelt the same but mean different things.

Like cock and cock.

We also heard Automatic, with Monster.

Their latest album... We also... We, we, we...

We also heard Automatic, with Monster.

Their last album, Tear The Sign Down... "Signs"! It's plural!

I thought they had only committed one crime.

I didn't know they were repeat offenders.

We also heard Automatic, with Monster.

Good, wasn't it? Right, move on.

That'll do. Won't it? That'll do.

OK. Professor Green and Lemar, here are yours, for Chris.

-# Mmm-mmm-mmm,

-waaah-naaah

-# Mmm-mmm-mmm,

-baaah-waaah

-# Mmm-mmm-mmm,

-waaah-naaah

-# Mmm-mmm-mmm,

-waaah-haaah

-# Mmm-mmm-mmm,

-waaah-naaah... #

Got it.

-Got it.

-But we're having fun!

-There's too much jewellery over here for my liking!

-Don't be like that!

-It was Earthquake, by Labrinth, featuring Tinie Tempah.

-It was.

It was.

Here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Earthquake" By Labrinth feat. Tinie Tempah

Sounds a bit like a rape alarm. I would imagine.

You know, what ever they sound like!

# Ladies and gentlemen... #

Next one, please. Why do that?

I thought I'd add a bit of old-fashioned Egyptian quality

to the whole show, "Next one, please!"

Two, three, four...

# Duh-duh-rum, duh-ruh-dum, duh-rum

# Duh-duh-ruh, duh-ruh-ruh, duh-ruh

# Duh-duh-ruh, duh-ruh-duh, duh-ruh

-# Duh-duh-ruh, duh-ruh-ruh, duh... #

-# Bah-bah-rah, bah-rah-bah...

-Duh

-# Bah-bah-rah, bah-rah-bah...

-Duh

-# Bah-bah-rah, bah-rah-bah...

-Duh-ruh

-# Bah-bah-rah...

-Duh-ruh-duh, duh-ruh. #

-I haven't got a clue, sorry.

-It is actually...

-Wait, wait, wait!

Oh, sorry. Amy knows it. Come on, Amy, don't get it wrong!

-Is it the Spice Girls, Who Do You Think You Are?

-Well done, Amy.

It is the Spice Girls, Who Do You Think You Are?

And this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Who Do You Think You Are?" By The Spice Girls

THEY SING ALONG TO BEAT

# Bop-bee-dooh-rop Deh-doodle-bop-shab

#Bam-dang-a-ling-oh Ah-diggy-diggy-ding-dong-ding

# Dack-ee-dooh-geeh Bah-bee-dabby-dooo... #

I don't know the words. # ..Bah-bah-dah-bah-doo... #

So, that was the Spice Girls, with Who Do You Think You Are?

They reformed to sing at the Olympic closing ceremony a few months ago.

It was the first thing they had sung together live since they met.

At the end of that round, Phill's team have one

and Professor Green's team have three.

Now, we have already established

that I am rock and roll enough to host the show.

But, there have also been suggestions

that I am not "street" enough.

Imagine, chaps!

To prove I am, I'm going to read out some incidents

and you have to decide whether it was me who did them

or one of the most street, up and coming performers out there,

Mark "Return of the Mack" Morrison.

Let's play, Lee Mack or The Mack?

-# Return of the Mack

-It is...

-#

So, first one.

Who was once in the papers

saying he had an £8,000 bracelet stolen from him?

-Was it Lee Mack or The Mack?

-It was you, you flash twat!

-Thank you, Phill.

-You are not a jewellery fella.

I'm a jewellery fella! I do jingly jangly! Oh, sorry.

-Was it Lee Mack or The Mack?

-The Mack.

-Yes, it was The Mack.

Who once ran his own mobile disco company

called the Close Encounters Disco Roadshow

with optional bubble machine?

Was it Lee Mack or The Mack?

-Were you in the Yellow Pages?

-I was. I actually was.

We used to say, "With optional bubble machine and laser beam."

And the laser beam was home-made by a geezer.

Instead of doing all that, it was just static.

And the kids would just look down the lens,

like that, burning the eyeball.

I thought, I better get this moving!

Couldn't afford all the mechanisms, so I got an old fan, like that,

setting number three.

And that would help blow the bubbles out as well, which was handy.

Obviously, bubbles used to cascade down onto the dance floor,

and you know when you think Lady In Red, by Chris De Burgh,

couldn't get any cheesier? Well, you're wrong.

# Lady in Red... #

Thanks for playing Lee Mack or The Mack?

-# Return of the Mack

-It is

-# Return of the Mack

-Come on...

-#

Round three is the identity parade.

Phill's team, how about some classic turn of the century UK garage?

For the audience only, here are MC DT and DJ Pied Piper.

# We are loving it, loving it, loving it

# We are loving like this

# We are loving it, loving it, loving it

# We are loving it like that

# Hey!

# Enough to make you rock

# Sing we come to sing

# And dance

# Do you really like it, do you really like it... #

That was DJ Pied Piper and MC DT with Do You Really Like It?

But which of our line-up are MC DT and DJ Pied Piper? Is it number one?

Do you really like it?

Number two? Do you really want to hurt me?

Number three? Do you really think that shirt suits you?

Number four? Do you? Really?

Or number five?

Do you really have any idea what you're doing here?

-Phill's team.

-UK garage isn't my thang.

-Really?

Yeah, got to be honest with you.

I rather like the name Pied Piper though. So which one it is...

I don't know if any of you ten gentlemen

have ever been so patronised in your bloody life.

I like the fact the costume department thought,

"I know, put them all in orange jackets!"

Then realised they had two.

Them jackets are reversible as well. I used to get them from...

I'm going to hate myself for saying this on TV,

but there used to be a shop called Geordie Jeans.

Stop laughing, you in the line-up!

He's laughing at the bloke behind squeezing his bum.

"He'll never know if it was me

"or the gentleman in the other orange jacket!"

-(Number three.)

-You reckon? What do you think, Amy?

-I am leaning towards five.

-I would go with you, Phill.

-I don't want to trust Joe.

-Let's find out.

Would the real MC DT and DJ Pied Piper please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Yes. Still writing new material.

Ladies and gentlemen, MC DT and DJ Pied Piper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Professor Green, Lemar and Chris,

how about some mid-'80s novelty punk?

For the audience only, here are Toy Dolls.

# Nelly the Elephant packed her trunk

# And said goodbye to the circus

# Off she went with a troppity-trot Trot, trot, trot

# Nelly the Elephant packed her trunk

# And tumbled out of the jungle

# Off she went with a tropity-trot Trot, trot, trot... #

That was Toy Dolls with Nelly the Elephant.

But which one of our line-up is lead singer, Pete Zulu?

Is it number one, Toy doll?

Number two? Barbie doll?

Number three? Cabbage patch doll?

Number four? Blow up doll?

Or number five?

Show me on the doll where he touched you?

-Prof's team, what do you think?

-Number one hasn't blinked yet!

Oh!

-Number two looks very happy.

-He is just thinking, "They've mixed it up.

"I was supposed to be in next week for the Paul Young line-up."

-Number three looks like Santa on crack.

-Three has got the stance.

-Number two has got the smirk.

-How is that punk rock-y?

Because he looks like he is all knowing.

-He is like, "Yeah, it was me. I made a shit song!"

-Whoa!

Can I just say? I like the song!

I don't like punk and I don't like Nelly the Elephant.

But you put them together and something magic happens.

Do you like eggs? No? Do you like flour? No?

Do you like cakes? Damn right you do, brother!

-Number two.

-Number two? Let's find out.

Would the real Pete Zulu please step forward?

Ah! It's Paul Young.

APPLAUSE

Now running a restaurant near Newcastle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Zulu.

And at the end of that round, Phill's team have two,

Professor Green's team have four.

So, we end with a round called Never Mind Would I Lie To The Buzzcocks?

I'm going to read out some reported quotes from some famous musicians,

all you have to do is decide if they are real and I am telling the truth,

or if I made them up and I am lying.

It is a game which in no way is similar to any other show I do.

Professor Green's team, you're in the lead so you go first.

Your time starts now. True or false?

-Britney Spears said, "Where the hell is Australia anyway?"

-True.

-It is true. True or false? Kane West said...

-"Kane West"?!

LAUGHTER

I'm 44!

44!

44!

Kanye West said, "When I make love,

"I penetrate the mind as well as the body.

"I definitely know when I've done at least one of these things."

-True.

-Kanye would just fall in! "Oh, sorry, love."

-Oh, come on, you have lived in Newcastle.

-To be fair!

Or any of the northern towns.

-I reckon that's true.

-It's actually false. True or false?

Lemar said, "I am very good at logic games, like Angry Birds."

Yeah, I'll tell you what,

suddenly pronouncing Kanye West's name

doesn't sound so stupid, does it?

-I hate Angry Birds.

-Is there anything you like?!

You should be Professor Grey, you miserable bastard!

What a phenomenally specific coloured insult.

This is like a Geordie version of Reservoir Dogs.

"He is not going to be Professor Green,

"he's going to be Professor Grey!"

You need to remember which fucking team you are on.

Tell you what, you're going to give rap a bad name.

People are going to start thinking it's an aggressive art form.

"Now, young man, watch your language and don't talk about bitches or hoes

"just get on with the game, or you're going straight to your room!"

Lemar said, "I am very good at logic games, like Angry Birds."

-He did say it, yeah. I reckon he did.

-Did you say it?

-In a roundabout way, yes!

-True!

-What do you mean, in a roundabout way?

-It was kind of true.

-You mean it is totally true?

-Yeah!

True or false? George Michael said,

"Honestly, you are going to have to wet that before you put it in."

No, true or false? What...?

True or false?

George Michael said,

"I get really star struck when I look in the mirror."

-False.

-It is false.

Right, so, Phill's team, you need six points to win.

And your time starts...now.

True or false? Britney Spears said,

"I never really wanted to go to Japan.

"Simply because I don't like eating fish.

"And I know that is very popular out there in Africa."

-That has got to be false.

-It is true.

True or false, Britney Spears said, "I am for the death penalty.

"Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment.

"That way he learns the lesson for the next time."

-True.

-It is true.

Britney Spears said...

-Britney Spears said, "There is no 'i' in 'celebrity'."

-True.

-If it's true, she's an idiot.

-True.

-It's false.

So, the final scores are, Phill's team have five,

but Professor Green's team are tonight's winners with seven.

So that is it. Thanks to Phill, Amy MacDonald,

and Joe Wilkinson, Professor Green, Lemar, and Chris Ramsay.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I am Lee Mack.

And as you enjoy the credits, we are going to see just how clever

the self-proclaimed Professor Green really is and whether he can solve

this simple mathematical problem before the programme ends.

Good night.