Episode 6 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host,

R&B superstar, Ne-Yo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Clear!

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I am Ne-Yo.

Now, my main concern about hosting this show

was that I'm from the States and, of course, you're from the UK,

and I wasn't sure if we'd get each other's point of reference.

But don't worry. I've done a ton of homework and research

about you and your culture and this show,

so I think everything's going to be all right.

All right, on Paul Juniper's team tonight...

She spent the entire summer appearing at UK music festivals.

In fact, today was the first time

she sat on a porcelain toilet since April.

It's Delilah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Last time he was on, he hosted the show. Now he's a panellist.

If he carries on this path, next series he'll be in the ID parade.

The series after that he'll be in the ID parade as a wrong answer.

It's David O'Doherty.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Neil Fledgling...

..is a singer who, because of his surname,

says people mix him up with Radio 1 DJ, Nick Grimshaw.

Well, we know our celebrity booker did. It's Aiden Grimshaw.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And after X Factor and I'm A Celebrity...

she says she's had enough of all that reality stuff.

You should be all right with Noel.

He gave up on reality a long time ago.

-It's Stacey Solomon.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

All right, we begin with a round called Sorry, No Refunds.

Phill, Delilah and David, take a look at this.

# Yeah

# Your sex is on fire... #

It's Southern good old boys, Kings of Leon,

who, interestingly, are all related.

Well, of course they are. They're from the Deep South.

In fact, I think one of them is his own father.

That was the Kings of Leon with Sex On Fire.

But what caused them to abandon one of their gigs? Was it...

A - fireworks?

B - an anti-royal protester?

Or C - pigeons?

This isn't a stuffed pigeon.

I'm just really good with animals. LAUGHTER

Step away from the pigeon!

Fireworks were banned in Ireland until, like, 1995...

How did you have fun?!

We used to blow up gas bottles and light cars on fire.

-When I was 12, my Nan's cat got hit by a rocket.

-Aw!

Goes in the milk bottle, doesn't it,

but the milk bottle tipped over and the cat was looking that way.

Didn't even see it coming.

MEEOW!

-DELILAH:

-You didn't even try and save the cat?

What, in that split second?!

Like Indiana Jones, I went,

"Whoa!"

I picked it up, sucked it like a lolly...

..patted the cat on the head, and then punched it in the face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ah, this is going to be fun! All right. All right!

-DELILAH:

-I think it might be the birds.

-Have you ever been attacked by...?

-I've been attacked by birds,

but they were from up north and weren't covered in feathers.

Wait, what?!

It's down to these two.

-Oh!

-This pigeon will fly again!

They're banned in Ireland.

He's cornered the market, literally, on one quiz show.

What kind of hellish suicide bomber are you?

The most fun kind of suicide bomber!

-Do we have an answer?

-Did a pigeon crap on one of them, mid-song?

-In his mouth?

-Oh, my God!

This is the classiest show I've ever been on(!)

OK, is the answer the pigeons?

Something involving pigeons and pooping on the Ks of L.

When you speak through that, I just want to bring a pedalo in.

OK, that is actually... That's correct.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

During one of their shows, the Kings of Leon

were forced to flee the stage

after a flock of local pigeons showered the stage with bird poo.

Coincidentally, "Bird shit"

is also how Kerry Katona asks if she can use the ladies' room.

LAUGHTER

What's a Kerry Katona?

You don't need to know.

All right. Noel, Aiden and Stacey, check this out.

# Hello, hello, hola!

-# At a place called Vertigo... #

-Named after what Bono and The Edge

call the drummer and the bass player, it's U2.

That was U2 with Vertigo.

But what ruined one of the band's shows? Was it...

A - a tiny gnome?

B - a giant lemon?

Or C - an average old lady?

All right, so, we've got a lady. Hello.

Oh, what if the lady pooed on 'em all?

LAUGHTER

How can an average little old lady ruin a show?

How can an old lady ruin a show?

I don't like "average old lady." What's your name?

-Barbara.

-Barbara's not average.

She's a little old, but she's not average.

-Barbara's beautiful.

-QUIET APPLAUSE

There's nothing sadder than the lone clap.

LAUGHTER

-STACEY:

-I wish I had a lemon.

No offence. You're lovely.

But that looks fun to play with.

-You've got lemon envy!

-A little bit. It's massive.

-You know, like James and the Giant Peach, but with lemons.

-Aw!

You're going to bore your way in there and live with a centipede.

Isn't that rude? Like, bore?

The Edge is called The Edge, because his father invented the strimmer.

Thank you.

You know what, he's not called The Edge. He's called Edge.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

AIDEN: Yeah, The Edge was on WWF.

He used to spit water out of his mouth.

Or was that Triple X?

I'm so confused! OK, before you guys answer,

I thought it was very important

you got to know about the American music scene.

And in America, there's nothing we love more

than shooting our music stars.

So, I thought we'd play a little game

where I give you the name of a music star

and you have to tell me where on their body they were shot.

OK, let's play Head, Shoulders, Ne-Yo's Toes!

THEME SONG PLAYS

GUNFIRE

PHILL GUFFAWS

In what part of the body was 50 Cent shot?

-NOEL:

-Ball sack.

-Let's go with leg.

-Really?

Are we going to go with leg?

Which leg?

-The one closest to the gun.

-LAUGHTER

-His left leg, Ne-Yo.

-Left leg, Ne-Yo.

-NOEL:

-OK, we'll say right.

You say right?

Actually, it was both legs.

I would have accepted the hand,

the arm, both legs, chest, or the face.

In the face?!

He was actually shot nine times

in front of his grandmother's house, and he survived.

Serves him right for forgetting her birthday.

In what part of the body was Lil Wayne shot?

-Ear lobe.

-Ear lobe?!

-No, not the ear lobe. That's not on the card.

-The nape.

NE-YO GIGGLES

-STACEY GIGGLES

-The nape?

It's an English word for the back of the neck.

You could've just said that!

-HE ADOPTS THICK ENGLISH ACCENT

-Er, excuse me,

could you itch my nape, please?

Someone shot my hands off in the war.

-You're learning a lot tonight!

-I am!

I am. I am being educated right now.

No, the nape is not on the card.

-So you think, Delilah, the chest?

-Yeah.

Delilah's going for the chest.

Why, wait, wait, wait!

That is actually correct. The chest, yes.

Yeah, OK.

-APPLAUSE

-He actually once shot himself

in the chest when he was 12.

NOEL GUFFAWS

Vanilla Ice. He wasn't shot,

but he claimed he was stabbed. Where was he stabbed?

Oh, was it in the integrity?!

LAUGHTER

He was shot in the anus, wasn't he?

He wasn't shot, he was stabbed.

But you are actually correct.

He was stabbed in the bum,

but his manager claimed later that he'd made it up.

Who lies about being stabbed in the bum?

I'm going to say, "bum," since we're here.

Don't say, "bum." Say, "ASS!"

Don't curse in front of the nice granny!

BARBARA: Buttocks!

Buttocks!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Babs, you're here for the whole series!

I think they prefer you...

Whatever turns you on!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, thank you guys for playing

Head, Shoulders, Ne-Yo's Toes!

THEME TUNE PLAYS

GUNFIRE

Back to U2.

What do we think ruined their show?

I think I know this. They did a tour called the Lemon Tour,

and I think they came down

onto the stage in a giant lemon.

I know this sounds like one of my jokes, but it isn't.

This is real life!

It opened up, they walked out,

dressed as pips...

LAUGHTER

One night, it didn't come down.

It just sort of hovered,

and they were stuck inside it for about...

35 years.

That's actually right. It was a lemon, yeah.

APPLAUSE

U2 actually got trapped inside

a 40ft mechanical lemon

that they were supposed to

dramatically emerge from, but instead had to clamber out the back.

And at the end of that round Noel's team has 1,

and Phill's team has 1.

We are at a tie, ladies and gentlemen.

Time now for the round everybody's talking about,

it's the Intros round.

Phill and Delilah, here are yours for David,

and the title of the song is what we are after.

Two, three, four.

# Boom-digga-paga-digga Boom-digga-paga-digga Boom-digga-paga-digga

# Boom-digga-paga-digga

-# Boom-digga-paga-digga

-# Doo-doo-doo

-# Da-da-doo-doo-doo

-# Boom-digga-paga-digga

-# Boom-digga-paga-digga

-# Doo-doo

# Boom-digga-paga-digga...#

Er...I like it, firstly.

I think you guys have got a lot of potential,

and this could be a hit.

Let's do it one more time, NE-YO!

Is it one of Ne-Yo's songs?

-Whoa!

-What?!

Whatever gave you that impression, David(?)

Er, is it called...er,

Sensual Buttocks?

Wow!

Oh, Ne-Yo, I'm so sorry,

but I've got loads of songs

and you wouldn't know any of them either.

-This could not be more embarrassing!

-Do you guys know this?

-I think Stacey knows.

-Sexy Love?

That is absolutely correct. Here's how it really sounds.

INTRO PLAYS

# My sexy love... #

All right. Next one, please.

-Come on, you guys. I have to get one.

-Two, three, four.

# Da-naow-daow-daow

# Digga-naow-daow-daow-daow-daow

# Daow-daow-digga-naow

# Digga-daown... #

Is that, er...?

# Ba-ba, ba-da-ba-ba... #

Oh, come on!

# Ding-ding-ding-DOO-DOO-DOO... #

David, don't cover your ears! That won't help.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'm normally good at this.

-Yeah, that's what they all say.

It's some Rolling Stones song, I know!

-# Na-na-na-na-na... #

-That's not helping!

-This is painful. Do you guys know?

-Yeah! Jumpin' Jack Flash!

Aargh!

Yes! Here's how it actually sounds.

INTRO PLAYS

# I was born in a crossfire hurricane... #

That was the Rolling Stones with Jumpin' Jack Flash.

The Rolling Stones rarely do television interviews now.

The last time they were seen on the telly

was when Tony Robinson dug them up on Time Team.

Who's Tony Robinson and what is a Time Team?

Tony Robinson's a dick.

He's so not a dick. He's the nicest man in the world!

I love Tony Robinson as well. I know I'm going to meet him now

and he's going to punch me in the face with a jug.

They've really run out of stuff to excavate for Time team, though.

I saw one last week

and they excavated a Spar shop

and said it may have been a Costcutter in about 1993.

All right, Noel, Aiden, here's yours for Stacey.

-Are you ready?

-I'm so ready.

-You feeling good?

-I was born ready.

Let's hear the first one.

PHILL: Stacey, why are you clutching that lemon?

It's a good luck lemon, innit?

Course it is. If it was a bad luck lemon, I wouldn't have taken it out.

It'll be quite ironic if Stacey dies of scurvy next year.

LAUGHTER

People fall down the stairs all the time. Just you wait. Bearded man.

# Buh-duh ba-duh

# Ba-duh ba-duh ba-da-duh

# Buh-duh ba-duh

# Ba-duh ba-duh ba-da-duh

# Buh-duh ba-duh

# Ba-duh ba-duh ba-da-duh

# Bada-bada...

LAUGHTER

-What?

-Happy Birthday?

-"Happy Birthday?"

-It's got to be something, innit?

-Is it Ne-Yo?

-It's a bit more...

-Cool?

-A bit more pop.

What, more cool than Ne-Yo? That can't happen, can it?

I meant like Camden cool, not supercool.

Are you pointing at me and saying Camden cool?

How dare you? Mrs X Factor!

Sitting there with your lemon.

Don't shake it around! Bono's having a nightmare in there.

Actually, it was Feel Good Time by Pink.

Here's what it was supposed to sound like.

MUSIC: "Feel Good Time"

-I would never have known that.

-That wasn't bad.

-Weren't bad!

Do you know this song?

-"Do I know this song?"

-You can't.

You're from Camden and places like that.

DELILAH: I have to stick up for him. I'm from Camden

and I look like I've washed.

What?! You can't come on here

wearing your nana's chandelier and start having a go.

APPLAUSE

OK, guys. Next one, please.

This one's easy.

Is it something Noel would like?

Yeah, it is, actually.

It's something that me and my dirty Camden friends

when we're sitting in a pile of needles

-drinking gin out of a teacup...

-I never said you were dirty!

..all listening to Pete Doherty!

APPLAUSE

All right, before any blood is spilled, let's go to the next one.

-That?

-Yeah.

-Eeh...

-Eeh? Yeah.

-Eh!

-Wee-ah!

-Is it your cat?

# Baaaaah

# Ba-da-ba-bada-ba... #

-You do it.

-Ah! Duh-nuh, duh-nuh...

-She's got it.

-# Bada-da ba dada-baaah!

-I know that song

but what is it called?

# Ba-bada ba-bada, beeow ne-ne neow

# Ba ne-ne-ne... Grease!

APPLAUSE

There you go. All right.

Here's what it should have sounded like.

-MUSIC: "Grease" by Frankie Valli

-Ah!

# I solved my problems and I see the light... #

Toothpaste comes out. I love it.

That was Frankie Valli with Grease.

Frankie Valli also wrote Big Girls Don't Cry.

Clearly he's never been in a Jersey Shore nightclub at 3am.

If you don't know what Jersey Shore is, it's the same as Romford.

All right, and at the end of that round, Phill's team has 1

and Noel's team has 4.

APPLAUSE

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Phill's team, how about a little turn-of-the-century boy band action?

It's Busted.

# That's what I go to school for

# Even though it is a real bore

# You can call me crazy

# But I know that she craves me

# That's what I go to school for... #

That was Busted with That's What I Go To School For.

But which of our line-up is their old teacher Michelle Blair,

who was the sexy inspiration behind that song?

Is it number one - Miss Blair?

Number two - Miss Demeanour?

Number three -

Miss-takenly forgot to do her hair before she got on camera?

Number four - Miss-tique's nail technician?

Number five - Miss-spent youth?

Or is it number six - Barbara?

APPLAUSE

I think it's Babs.

You think the guy from Busted used to get the horn...

I mean, with the greatest of respect to Babs...

Damn straight you keep the greatest of respect to the lovely Barbara.

Ladies think that the horn arrives over the course of a year or two,

whereas in fact, one day, you're just playing

with your stamps, your model railway and the next day

the horn kicks the doors in, like,

"You couldn't give a shit about that any more!

"There's a new sheriff in town! Doi-i-i-ing!

-"Sheriff Wanger."

-Yeah.

Sheriff Wanger, I like that.

You wouldn't say wanger?

I wouldn't say wanger, no.

In France it's "won-jay".

-I had a well horny teacher.

-Did you care?

-Yeah! I was 15. I loved it.

-Exactly.

What noise did yours make, Aiden?

(FLUTTERLY) A-a-ah!

Minus B plus or minus the square root of B...

Look who's getting frisky from my quadratic equation!

Would the teacher on duty please report to the staffroom?

Three boys from the lower fourth have sustained erections

and are writing a song about you.

-OK, who do we think?

-Are they still a teacher?

Are they still teaching today?

-Not teaching any more.

-Because of Busted, I'll bet.

Those boys wrote that song about you... It's three.

Yeah, it is three.

Let's find out. Would the real Michelle Blair please step forward?

Ahh!

APPLAUSE

-Michelle, do you still keep in touch with the boys?

-Yes, with Matt.

-NOEL:

-I can pretty much see why the song was written.

-Yeah, I get it.

Once you start talking, erections everywhere.

Now running her own management company, Michelle Blair,

ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Now Noel, Aiden and Stacey,

how about some of the worst pop music I've literally ever heard,

something called a Jedward...

# ..pressure

# Pushing down on me

# Pressing down on you

# No man asks for

# I-i-if there was a problem

# Yo, I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it... #

That was Jedward with Under Pressure.

But which of our line-up are James and Beulah Clemo

who, for a TV stunt,

ended up with Jedward arranging their wedding day?

Is it number one - Jedward?

Number two - Jedwouldn't?

Number three - Awkward?

Number four - Wayward?

Or Number Five - Edge backwards and don't look them in the eye?

-Do you know Jedward?

-Yeah, I actually saw them not long ago.

-I love Jedward.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-What do you do? What sort of stuff?

-We just, like...

-Just push each other into bushes?

We talk, like, politics and...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Politics is cool! Politics is the best thing in the world! Yay!"

"Here comes a politic! Put it in a jar, Edward!"

Sorry for the Irish accent. I didn't mean anything.

Yeah, you're much better at an Irish accent.

Oh, you charmer!

I was on a plane with them once, with Kasabian

and all we could think was, "If this plane goes down,

"they're fucking front page."

"And at best, we're just going to get a tiny picture in the corner

"or our names in italic. That's it."

I can imagine them being quite organised, actually,

-and doing quite a nice...

-Oh, do me a favour!

The buffet would have been 400 packets of crisps!

You know them, so we'll leave this one...

So I know who they organise weddings for?

Well, why don't you ask them some proper questions?

-Instead of talking about politics?

-They're not allowed to talk!

I wanted to know about Stalin and things like that.

LAUGHTER

If I wanted to know about Stalin, obviously, I'd phone Jedward first.

-I think it's definitely number two.

-Really?

-Yeah. She keeps laughing.

We say two. Number two.

Let's find out. Would the real James and Beulah please step forward?

Well done!

APPLAUSE

So, you guys didn't know that it was going to be Jedward

-organising your wedding?

-No, we didn't.

So how many people did you want to kill when you found out

it was going to be then?

Myself, mainly.

-They were brilliant.

-Really?

-Yeah, they were so good.

-Have you kept in touch?

-No!

-No.

DAVID: What was the thing Jedward brought to it?

Our rings are engraved "Jedward forever", with a heart.

-Wow!

-Your wedding rings?

-"Jedward forever!"

-Is it real gold?

-Yeah.

-Melt it down. Make a necklace.

APPLAUSE

All right, they're still married, despite their harrowing experience.

James and Beulah, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round

Phill's team still has 1

and Noel's team has 5. All right!

So we end with Next Lines.

Here we go. Noel's team, you're in the lead so you go first

and your time starts now.

"As you pull out your gun,

-"point blank..."

-# Got a feeling this can't be... #

That's mine, I've got songs out!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's not the line I needed, though.

"As you pull out your gun, point-blank,

"got a feeling this can't be..."

The air is moving around me and I can't breathe.

-Hey!

-The guy knows his own song!

Aiden Grimshaw, This Is Love. All right.

"She's got a smile. It seems to me..."

-(HIGH-PITCHED) # Reminds me of childhood...

-Memories. #

Guns N' Roses, Sweet Child O' Mine.

"So I sing for you,

"though you can't hear me..."

I sang it on the Iceland adverts. Did I?

LAUGHTER

Is it me, but not me?

Could be the other man.

The other man?

# So I sing for you Though you can't hear me

# When we're through, I feel you near me. #

-Is that the one?

-Yeah, that was right, OK. You got it.

Driving Home For Christmas, Stacey Solomon.

"Yes, I'm back. Well, I'm back."

Eminem.

# Guess who's back? Back again, Shady's back, tell a friend... #

No. That's wrong.

-It sounded so much like it.

-Kerry Katona in the next Iceland advert.

The line is, "Well, I'm back in black,

"yes, I'm back in black."

AC/DC, Back In Black.

Oh, shit. I should have known that.

APPLAUSE

-Phill's team, you need nine points to win.

-Come on, team!

You guys should be worried, cos I think I only have eight cards here.

-No!

-We'll figure it out. All right, your time starts now. Here we go.

"There she goes..."

There she goes again.

-The La's.

-The La's, there she goes. Nice.

"Don't want to be an American idiot..."

# Da-da-da-da ba-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! #

Don't want to live in a corporate America?

No, don't want a nation under the new media.

-Ah!

-Green Day, American idiot.

"Summer breeze makes me feel fine..."

-Blowing through the jasmine in my mind.

-Boom!

Nice. Isley Brothers. See, that's what this guy listens to.

"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold..."

-And she's buying a stairway to Heaven!

-Nice.

-Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven.

-Read them quicker, Ne-Yo!

"Make me beg for more, climbing up the walls..."

-Is this one of yours?

-Yeah.

-I'm trying to remember the next line.

-What do you mean trying?

-You wrote it!

-I can't! You're stressing me out!

What are the words?

What are the words?

-No-one puts it down like me?

-No!

Oh, no!

"Banging down the doors, no-one lets you hear my scream."

-Oh, yeah, that was the second part.

-Oh, God!

END-OF-ROUND MUSIC

APPLAUSE

OK, the final scores are

Phill's team have 4,

but Noel's team are tonight's winners with 9. Congratulations.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Delilah and David Doherty,

Noel, Aiden Grimshaw and Stacey Solomon. I've been Ne-Yo.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

As you enjoy the credits, in honour of Delilah's song Shades Of Grey,

Barbara is going to read us some extracts from Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Good night, everybody!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

..his erection springs free.

Join us next time, where your guest host will definitely be

one of the following Richards.

A - legendary dead comedian Richard Pryor,

B - chief executive of the Premier league Richard Scudamore

or C - the much more likely

Richard Ayoade.