Episode 7 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Richard Ayoade.

When I was asked to host the show,

I said I would do so on one condition.

But when my financial demands weren't met - not even close -

I said, "Yes, I'll do it for this low fee.

"I have no other work. My career's in a tailspin.

"But I want you to treat pop and soft funk

"with the seriousness and respect it deserves."

We all like a chuckle. Not now, obviously. It's dead silent.

LAUGHTER

We all like a chuckle, and that's your prerogative,

as Bobby Brown once said in his hit song of the same name.

For once, on NMTB, let's put our heads down and have an informative popular music-based quiz

without resorting to jokes.

-The coward's way out.

-LAUGHTER

On Phill's team tonight...

# I feel like a winner... #

It's the lead singer of Noisettes, recently described by the Guardian

as the best live band in Britain.

Her favourite song to sing in the shower is Where Is Love?

A fine choice for a song for shower singing purposes.

-Shingai Shaniwa.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who came back from a hugely successful Edinburgh fringe

gaining five-star reviews for Pappy's Last Show Ever.

So, SINCERE congratulations from all of us here. Comedian Matthew Crosby.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

..is a singer who started from a young age.

He used to sing in the church choir with his mother when he was four

and, despite a brief dalliance with yoyos, wisely stuck with music

and went on to win two Brit Awards. Seems like an absolutely knock-out chap. It's Ed Sheeran.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And the television presenter

who started her working life in a pork factory,

before getting the taste for show business as a magician's assistant

and finally finding her true calling

as a co-presenter on the companion show to the X Factor, the Xtra Factor.

-It's Caroline Flack.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Can I just add, on a personal note, it's an absolute honour to be quizzing with you tonight.

We begin with Who Do You Think You Are? Phill, Shingai and Matthew, look at this.

# I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic #

Yes, it's the Queen of Pop with over 13 hard-won years in the business -

and it IS a business - Britney Spears.

# With a taste of a poison paradise

# I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic #

OK, that was Britney Spears with Toxic.

Which of the following was it reported that Britney demanded

be in her dressing room whilst she was here on tour?

Was it A, a framed picture of Princess Diana?

B, a compilation CD of Simon Cowell's words of wisdom?

Or C, a dartboard with Christina Aguillera's face on?

I brought this anyway, so it's a happy coincidence.

-That's yours(!)

-I don't see Britney as a darts playing type.

You say that, but a lot of people don't know that Britney's middle name is The Viking.

Britney "The Viking" Spears.

-Right.

-She's a very prosperous Norwegian darts player.

-I wonder why people don't know that.

-LAUGHTER

That's why we're watching the show.

Why ARE we watching this show? It's very hard to know.

Sometimes it's just company, loneliness.

LAUGHTER

-Thoughts.

-ED: Does this CD actually exist?

This is one of the many metaphysical questions we're addressing tonight. Does it exist?

SHINGAI: Maybe Simon had things to say and she thought that would be worth taking on board.

Caroline, does this ring true?

When I started X-factor, he buys everyone presents,

and he bought me a framed picture of himself to keep in my dressing room.

Why did he BUY it? Did he not own a picture of himself?

-It's in my bathroom now.

-Doing what?

Looking at me. LAUGHING: Watching me shower.

It wakes me up when I walk in there in the morning to have a shower!

There's waking up and then there's, "Aargh!"

SHINGAI: Let's guess. MATTHEW: Yeah, guess. Why not?

That is very much what you have to do within this quiz.

I don't feel that Britney would have the malice in her heart

to start throwing darts at people.

Her management used to have someone across the corner of her room.

-Whenever Britney became enraged...

-BLOWS

Who was that? Eric Bristow?

-Cos he's got the yips, hasn't he?

-When you can't throw a dart?

You can't let it go. What happens is, you throw it then you carry on.

-Ed, any thoughts?

-Personally, I don't think the Simon Cowell CD exists.

-No to the CD. What about the dartboard?

-I'd say the dartboard...

-Cos they were in Disney... I'm getting too deep into this.

-No. Get deep.

What I like about you, Ed, is you're trying to get to the bottom of this.

That, for me, is what good quizzing is all about.

Christina Aguillera and Britney were in The Disney Club together. They were mates.

-She's going to be happy for her mate being happy. Yanks are obsessed with Brits.

-Who?

"The Yanks" is a condition you get when compulsively masturbating.

-You can't release your genitals.

-I'm saying Diana, but I'm not on their team.

But you fell into his trap, Sheeran!

This is 101 stuff.

You've just given them sound reasoning. It's their round.

-Why did you do it?

-LAUGHTER

-Cos you asked me to do it.

-Oh, Ed, that's so simple.

-AUDIENCE: Ah.

-I'm sorry. Don't "ah" him.

He's got to learn, if he's gonna keep in the quiz.

-Next time, shall I keep quiet?

-Absolutely. Stone-face killer.

-What are you saying, Phill?

-Unless it's a Sheeran double-bluff, let's go with Diana.

-You are correct.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

While Britney was performing at the O2 last year,

it was reported she had requested a framed picture of Princess Diana,

as she found her to be an inspiration.

-Good for her.

-LAUGHTER

-Good for her.

-Good for her. Let's not stoop to jokes.

LAUGHTER

Noel, Ed and Caroline, have a look at this.

# Going to the jungle We got fun and games... #

Yes, it's classic firearms and horticulture themed rockers,

Guns 'n' Roses.

# ..if you got the money, honey We got your disease... #

That was GnR with Welcome To The Jungle.

Which of the following objects did Axl Rose demand he have backstage at one of their gigs?

Was it A, an inflatable bike?

B, a bilingual parrot? Not really an object. That's a mammal.

Or C, a square melon?

Ed, please apply your diagnostic approach to this particular question.

I've seen these have been created. Is it on The Simpsons where they have square melons?

I feel I could be playing into Sheeran's hands if I point out

that The Simpsons is not a documentary.

LAUGHTER

-CAROLINE: What would you want...?

-I'm going to interrupt you.

-For a pop fact.

-OK.

-I'm going to go with euro pop.

Since the dissolution of the euro pop band Aqua in 2001...

-I liked Aqua.

-Who didn't?

..the lead singer Rene Diff has released several successful solo tracks, including The Uhh Uhh Song,

still proving the endurance of the genre.

-Caroline, you have that for your records.

-Thank you.

-Let's get back to the quiz.

-Your outfit matches the bike.

I want to see you drive home on that bike.

I'm scared of riding bikes. I'm a bit scared of the road.

-Roads ARE scary.

-They are in London.

-The way they go on for ages.

-I think driving is scary.

-So, what are we saying?

Ed, you got their one. Get our one.

-I'm saying melon.

-Really?

What's your answer?

-It's Noel's team, not mine.

-Listen, Ed...

-Hey, come on, Ed.

-I'm saying square melon, yeah.

-Don't get dramatic, though. He's going with square melon.

-Yeah?

-You're right.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Axl Rose demanded that the band be provided with wine, beer, vodka, white roses and a square melon,

claiming it was essential to his performance.

So, at the end of that round, Phill's team have one and Noel's team have one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have another pop fact. Here's a soft rock fact.

-Nice.

-Yeah.

One of the greatest soft rock bands, Crowded House,

are known to their Australian fans as Crowdies.

LAUGHTER

-Crowdies.

-Like it.

Richard, these facts are extraordinary.

No need for jokes. No need.

Time, now, for the nation's favourite the Intros Round.

Shingai and Phill, here are yours for Matthew.

PHILL HUMS IN A WHISPER

-Could you do it so I can hear it as well?

-No.

It's a really tricky way of doing it.

One, two. A-one, two, three, four.

-# Bm-sh-bm-sh-bm-sh

-Sh-sh-sh

-# Ba-do-down-down-down-down

-Dooo

-# Down-down-down-down-down

-Dooo

-# Bow-da-ba-bow

-Dooo

-# Ba-dow-bown

-Mmmmmm.....

# Yeuh! #

LAUGHTER

Is it Let's Spend The Night Together?

LAUGHTER

-That was close!

-Ooh!

-Hang on.

-It Was Close.

-It really wasn't.

-Oh.

Any ideas?

I watch this on TV. I always think I've got it. Then I don't.

It's a real insight into your television viewing habits.

It's a lot easier here, perhaps, than at home?

Which is often the opposite.

Of what, often, people say on TV. "It's really easy at home."

What's interesting about what you said... "Even at home it's bloody hard."

I know it, but I can't think what it is.

Caroline, I don't want to be pedantic but that's the same as not knowing.

LAUGHTER

-I take no pleasure as I say that neither of you are right. I'm sorry.

-Wait one sec.

You know this.

I'm only going to know it when they tell me what it is.

That's the same as not knowing. It's all the same as not knowing.

-The answer, of course, is Chris Rea, Road To Hell.

-Oh!

-I knew it!

-You didn't know it!

You didn't!

MUSIC: Intro to "Road To Hell" by Chris Rea

# Do-do-do

CAROLINE: # ..on a road to hell #

Oh, my God! It's cos you're scared of roads!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can we do a fact about Road To Hell?

-Coming up. But I like your enthusiasm.

-OK.

-You two are definitely on the same page.

-Yeah.

We dress very similarly. We share a look.

-Like teacher, supply teacher.

-LAUGHTER

Next one, please, fellas.

-# Ssshhhh

-Do-do-do-do-do do-do-do

-# Didididdi

-Ahhhhh

MATTHEW JOINS IN

-# Da-da-dow... #

-We know it.

OK, now, I KNOW it...

-LAUGHTER This time, I really do.

-Yeah.

But I don't know its... Destiny's Child.

-Noel's team.

-Justin Timberlake, Cry Me A River.

-SHINGAI SCREAMS

-It is.

This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: Intro to "Cry Me A River" by Justin Timberlake

# You were my sun... #

We also heard Chris Rea with Road To Hell.

Chris wrote Road To Hell in a traffic jam on the M25.

The M25 can be a frustrating road, but if you time your journey right,

it should be fairly free-flowing.

The times to avoid are between 8am and 10am, and 4pm to 7pm.

I mean rush hour. Just use your common sense.

Rich, you haven't got any jazz funk facts, have you?

-I do. Let's have a jazz funk fact.

-LAUGHTER

Jazz funk characteristics include a departure from ternary rhythm towards a more binary rhythm,

which you'll probably know by its more common name, groove.

Noel and Ed, here are yours for Caroline.

-Honestly!

-Sorry. That was aggressive.

I'm feeling just so pumped from all these facts.

Caroline, by the way, if you want to play this really well, don't get all of them wrong.

That's the trap I fell into.

SHINGAI: I'm just happy we get to spend the night together.

ED: Didn't know that was happening.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Logistically, that sounds VERY complicated.

Hope it's not all night, I have to say.

I usually pass out around the second time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-OK, time out. Ed, let's get into that.

-Are we talking before, during or after?

-After.

You pass out? Out cold?

I can manage a couple more if I haven't had too much of a heavy day.

As long as he has a glass of squash and a Club biscuit, he's good to go.

Just have a segment of orange, like in football.

-Does that work?

-No.

But...it is delicious.

-Second time? You're a young man. You're 21.

-Yeah.

That's not great. You want to be ranging seven or eight and then passing out, at your age.

Ed, you don't HAVE to share this much.

I'm not saying don't, but I'm just saying... Actually, just tell me.

Do you often wake up and all your stuff from your flat's gone?

Are you sure you're not being drugged?

When we were in the green room, there's a few things you mentioned.

I said, "I could bring that up." You said, "Please don't mention that. I'm a role model."

Then you just said you pass out the second time of having sex.

Kids are gonna be, "You know what's cool? Passing out second time."

They're gonna be faking it.

-I slightly love you.

-Oh, good.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

You're a good lad. Just have a coffee.

-Or a tea.

-Then I'll need a wee halfway through.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'd end up in a weird situation when you're shooting...

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Classic Sheeran!

-Wow! Wow!

If you went for a wee in Caroline's flat, there's a good chance you'd piss on Simon Cowell's face.

-Let's bloody crack on.

-Let's do it. You know there are two?

I haven't got to do the last one on my own, have I?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Dow-dow-dow dicka-dicka Dow-dow-dow dicka-dicka

-# Dow-dow-dow dicka-dicka dooo

-Mm ch mm ch

-# Dow-dow-dow dicka-dicka

-Mm ch mm ch

-# Dow-dow-dow dicka-dicka

-Mm ch mm ch. #

-That was genius.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We didn't know this song.

-I've got to say, that was great.

-You know it?

-Yeah.

-It's written here.

-LAUGHTER

ED: The person that did the song, when I did the Queen's Jubilee, we got invited to the party.

-I brought my parents...

-Please don't say you fell asleep.

No, but my mum disappeared and no-one could find her.

And we found my mum two bottles of wine deep with this person.

-On a sofa.

-When you say "two bottles of wine deep"?

I've got to say, I need five minutes just to shower my mind.

LAUGHTER

She Tweeted her the next day to say thank you.

LAUGHTER

Did she fall asleep during the second bottle?

She's going to be watching this. It's going to be awkward.

-Caroline, have you got it?

-It's Kylie Minogue.

-Which song, though?

ED: If you were to tattoo two letters on your arse and bend over, it would spell it out.

LAUGHTER

It's Kylie Minogue, Wow.

COUGHS

-What's happened, Richard?

-I'm just thinking of that tattoo image.

Just to bring this to a close, I'm going to say, you're right.

And this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Wow" by Kylie Minogue

# Read my lips, I'm into you... #

-Next one, please.

-ED IMITATES GUITAR

-ED CONTINUES RIFF

-# Prr prr

# Prr prr

# Prr prr prr prrr prrang prrang

THEY CONTINUE

# Prrang! #

Yeah.

Is it Mumford & Sons? What's the song?

Is it Little Lion Man? Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I probably need to take a rest now.

For God's sake, Ed. Sit down. Have some fluids.

You were absolutely right. This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: Intro to "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons

# Weep for yourself my man... #

We also heard Kylie Minogue with Wow.

The song Wow came off Kylie's album X, but how many studio albums had she released at that point?

Seven. ED: I'm saying like 11 or something.

-You're saying "like" 11?

-I'm gonna say nine.

-LAUGHTER

-That's quite like 11, isn't it?

-Kinda like 11.

-There was a clue in the question. The album's called X.

The answer was ten. Kylie making characteristically good use of Roman numerals.

That means, at the end of that round, Phill's team have one.

And Noel's team have three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now, for round three.

I thought we should look at the other talents that our greatest music stars have.

Tonight's Identity Parade is an artistic one.

Phill's team, one of the last living Beatles doing what he does best,

ripping it up on mandolin, here is Sir Paul McCartney.

# You can do anything you wanna do

# Everybody gonna stamp their feet

# Everybody's gonna feel the beat

# Everybody's gonna dance around tonight... #

That was Paul McCartney with Dance Tonight.

Which one of our line-up of artwork was actually painted by Sir Paul?

Was it number one? This rather stunning landscape

with blue water crashing against the rocks

in an awesome display of nature's power.

Or number two? A more Russian feeling,

kind of multi-coloured, very vibrant.

Relatively dodgy brushwork there, though.

Number three? Almost with a kind of David Hockney feel.

Very simple. And now, something that looks like a lozenge.

Number four?

Not much to say. Bit dull.

Black and white. Poor-man's Cezanne.

Number five?

Moving on to a naive work.

Girl surrounded by fried eggs.

LAUGHTER

SHINGAI: Number one is something I think Uncle Mac could pull off.

Two, market, I'm not feeling that.

Four's what they do in an over-60s art class.

He IS over 60.

I'm tempted by number five.

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT

-She's just covered in eyes!

We think it's either one, two, three, four or five.

-I just think one or three.

-We think three.

-Three.

Well, let's find out which painting is the real McCartney.

SHINGAI: Yes!

Painted in 1990, part of his Sand, Water, Sky collection.

Beach Towels by Paul McCartney.

There it is! Beach Towels.

Noel, Ed and Caroline, how about some pure '70s glam rock stardust? It's David Bowie.

# The Jean Genie lives on his back

# The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks

# He's outrageous He screams and he bawls

# Jean Genie, let yourself go... #

David Bowie with Jean Genie, but which of our artwork line-up is one of David Bowie's own masterpieces?

Is it number one?

Sort of looks like John Lydon being attacked by monkeys

and giving him a semi.

LAUGHTER

Number two?

Which looks a bit like an abstract Um Bungo packet.

Number three? A naked man with a knee up, just relaxing.

Number four?

A hand and a foot.

Locked in, perhaps, a deathless battle for supremacy.

LAUGHTER

Number five? Bit rushed.

Bit rushed here. Lot of colours, but very little focus.

Let's find out which one you think is the real Bowie.

I've seen a David Bowie painting but it doesn't look like any of those.

Number three looks like an exercise in life drawing

that you do in the first year of art college. No way is it that.

One looks like a bad self-portrait of him.

-With that sort of ginger flat-top.

-ED: Maybe he was trying to paint me.

Please tell me you didn't fall asleep on Bowie.

-Do you paint, Richard?

-Do I paint? Let's talk through the process.

-I don't. No.

-LAUGHTER

-What are you saying?

-Caroline thinks it's five. Do you?

-I always thought it was five.

-I think it's number one.

I'll be a gracious captain and go with my team. Number five.

Let's find out which one is the real David Bowie.

-Ah!

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-ED: I'm sorry.

-Sold for £4,500 earlier this year.

Ancestor by David Bowie, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

-These two dickheads got it wrong!

-LAUGHTER

Let's have a pop fact. This is a aquacrunk fact.

Or AN aquacrunk fact.

Aquacrunk is made of slowed down, low-slung beats

with lashings of electronic mutterings and morphing basslines on top.

Performers of crunk music are sometimes referred to as crunksters.

-I preferred the jazz funk.

-We can't go back. It's dead now.

So, we end with Next Lines. Noel's team, you are in the lead.

-Let's get down to the bloody quiz.

-Right, Ed. This is all about you.

-And Flacky. Come on.

-Come on, Flacky.

I want to fall from the stars.

It's a thing I like to do.

# ..straight into your arms. #

Simply Red, Stars. Don't do the whole song, cos time...

Maybe next time, use your eyes and look at me.

Ed, are you in a coma?

Maybe next time, use your eyes and look at me.

I'm a drama queen, if that's your thing, baby.

-Geri Halliwell, Look At Me.

-How are we gonna know that?

-That's not music.

-LAUGHTER

-It's not poetry.

-What IS it?

-It's her heart.

People think I'm bound to blow up

I've done around a thousand shows.

I haven't got a house but I live on a couch.

Ed Sheeran - You Need Me, I Don't Need You, I'm Already Asleep.

LAUGHTER

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Phill's team, you're next.

You just need more points than Noel's total to win.

So, let me show you something super-beautiful.

Oh! SINGS TO HERSELF

-Can you start again?

-So let me show you something super-beautiful.

-Let's rock the boat. The magic...

-The magic is unstoppable.

-Noisettes, Don't Upset The Rhythm.

-Is that your song?

-Almost!

-Cos you knew none of the words!

-SHINGAI: Almost!

-Your face is so serious.

-I know.

-Can we do one with a face...?

-A different mouth? Yeah.

So what you're asking me to do is not have my face?

-LAUGHTER

-I want your ugly. I want your disease.

-I want your everything as long as it's free.

-Lady Gaga, Bar... Bad Romance.

Lady Gaga, Bad Romance. Or Bard Romance, a song about Shakespeare.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are, Phill's team have six.

And Noel's team also have six.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The teams have failed to reach a majority score. It is a tie.

As Caroline knows, in entertaining television, that means one thing.

-We've gone to deadlock.

-DRAMATIC JINGLE

The tension here is...unbearable and sexual.

Palpable.

-No, it's not palpable.

-Oh, sorry.

-You, literally, can't touch it.

-As MC Hammer said in his hit song.

-LAUGHTER

-It's now down to this final question to decide who will be tonight's winner.

-Oh, my God!

It's fastest finger... with the right answer.

Not just whoever has the fastest finger. You're born with that.

I am medium height, nearly 5ft 10.

Ed Sheeran.

-No. You need to buzz.

-BUZZER

-Ed Sheeran.

-No. I was nominated for a Grammy for Best New Artist

in 1988 and I was really happy about it.

BELL YOU were nominated for a Grammy?

No. After I retired as a solo star,

I auditioned for a film role in Last Action Hero, which I didn't get.

BELL Is it the guy out of Wham?

It's not the guy out of Wham.

I have a deep singing voice and some people say I...

-BUZZER

-Barry White.

I was nominated for a Grammy for Best New Artist in 1988?

-Barry White?

-I'm drinking buddies with Matt Goss, Adam Ant

-and Tony Hadley.

-BELL

Was it Rick Astley?

That is correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phill's team won there, with a late spurt.

LAUGHTER

-Come on!

-A late spurt!

It's just a noun. Get over it.

Thanks to Phill, Shingai Shaniwa and Matthew Crosby, Noel, Ed Sheeran and Caroline Flack.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. It still is. I've been Richard Ayoade.

As you enjoy the credits, without our team knowing who, we intend to digitally alter one of them.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]