Episode 8 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Welcome to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks 250th episode special!

'And, to celebrate,

'we've lined up 250 possible hosts to host tonight's show...

'..but who will it be?

'Phill and Noel, please spin the Wheel of Hosts!

GONG SOUNDS

AUDIENCE: Woo!

'Please welcome your host for the evening, Richard Madeley!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much indeed. Hello!

DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

Hi, guys.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hello and welcome to the 250th episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

It is incredible that, after 250 episodes,

the show has lost none of its edge and its relevance to modern culture.

-I'm Richard Madeley.

-LAUGHTER

On Phill's team tonight...

# Let me go...

..is a rapper whose music was described as,

"Spitting out seething, bass-centric nocturnal explosions,"

to which I replied,

"I don't care what it is, Judy, just turn it down."

It's Maverick Sabre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who describes himself as a transvestite vegan occultist

who believes in UFOs

and thinks Winston Churchill was Jack the Ripper.

It's the first time this show's had a guest

that Noel thinks is a bit weird - it's Andrew O'Neill.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

# You don't know about a girl...

Earlier this year she appeared in Dancing On Ice.

Each week someone would leave and she'd never see them again -

a bit like being in the Sugababes! It's Heidi Range!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who says he doesn't go to nightclubs any more

because he's always falling out with bouncers.

Reminds me of Judy at the National Television Awards! It's Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, as this really is the 250th episode celebratory special

we begin with a round called Celebrate Good Times Come On!

LAUGHTER

Noel, Heidi and Seann, have a look at this.

# I don't know how I'm meant to feel any more... #

Yeah, she's got a really cool showbiz dad, just like my children.

I'm rad and totes amazeballs! It's Lily Allen.

Yeah, that was Lily Allen with The Fear

but which of the following objects did Lily get as a gift for Example

to celebrate their tour together?

Was it, A - a piano, B - flying lessons,

-or was it C - a bacon sandwich?

-Flying lessons would be...

-That's a good present, isn't it?

-It's a great present, isn't it? Yeah.

-On a plane? Not...?

-What? No.

-LAUGHTER

-Not from a duck.

-LAUGHTER

-If you're not scared of flying.

-Are you scared of flying?

-Yes.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

How's that work? Cos you must have to tour all the time.

I take Valium.

-Valium? Really?

-Yes.

-Does that help?

-Yeah, it does.

-What does it do to you?

-Makes me feel a little bit happy.

-Are you on...? Are you on some now?

-No!

-LAUGHTER

I'm scared of flying as well, a bit. I'm always scared of the bit where...

the wings make that noise, where they go, "Nrrrr!"

Every noise, I shout out to the rest of the plane what it is

cos I've done four fear of flying courses

and been hypnotised by Paul McKenna.

-What's that, "Nrrrr!"?

-It's the wings!

That doesn't help if you hear a really frightening...

-"It's the wings!"

-"It's the wings!"

-"It's the wings!"

"They're coming off!"

I think it would be lovely if she'd got him a piano.

Would it help if I played a tune on it?

-You just look like a giant now.

-LAUGHTER

OK, this is the miniature piano version of The Sting, all right?

-OUT OF TUNE JANGLING

-It doesn't work.

-LAUGHTER

-It's not me, is the piano.

-Can you play the piano?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah, by ear. Well, I use the hands but...

LAUGHTER

-Maverick, this look like someone you might go out with.

-LAUGHTER

Resembles the same shape of head, do you know what I mean?

-If you sort of faced each other you could do that optical illusion.

-LAUGHTER

He looks like that guy in Independence Day, doesn't he?

I look exactly like Will Smith. LAUGHTER

-No, the one who took it up the arse from the aliens.

-LAUGHTER

Did that happen in that film?

You didn't see it but he did mention being probed quite a lot.

It was a constant and slightly distasteful joke.

-I didn't like it.

-LAUGHTER

Happens to be not just this programme's 250th anniversary,

as it were, it's the 250th year since the sandwich was invented.

-Oh, piano!

-So, it's definitely not the sandwich. LAUGHTER

-I think he's trying to tell us it's the sandwich.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, as far as his quiz...

I mean, Richard's had a career in television spanning years

but he just gave you the answer.

LAUGHTER

"SANDWICH!" LAUGHTER

-So, we know it's bacon sandwich?

-Yeah, OK.

Yeah, we're going with bacon sandwich?

-Yes.

-All right. Bacon Sandwich.

Absolutely right!

The answer is C - the bacon sandwich.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I did not lie,

the sandwich really is celebrating its 250th birthday this year.

In 2010 Lily Allen ploughed thousands of pounds into her shop

from which you could borrow clothing, wear it once

and then just take it back.

-What a shame nobody told her about Marks and Spencer's!

-LAUGHTER

Phill, Maverick and Andrew, take a look at this.

(RAPS) Your dream's fulfilled, you're rocking with the best

Unforgivable, I'm a push your limits to the test...

Yes, it's a seminal, influential black rap superstar

but would the producers let me dress up as him tonight? Would they f...

for shizzle! It's P Diddy!

Yes, of course, that was P Diddy, featuring Christina Aguilera, with Tell Me

but which of the following objects ruined his album celebration party?

Was it, A - a candle, B - a seafood platter, or was it C - an orchestra?

-LAUGHTER

-I think it had something to do with the seafood.

Maybe there was a couple of dodgy things going around...

I thought that, you might be right, but it takes time to work through.

Some people can have quite a violent reaction to the seafood.

I mean, projectile vomiting at a P Diddy party

is normally something...

Well, you'd book in. You'd organise that, wouldn't you?

I just read a biography of P Diddy and he's half clam.

LAUGHTER

Not the bits you can see, the back half.

-LAUGHTER

-So, he has a shell?

-Yeah.

-He clings to rocks in pools?

-Yeah, he's half clam.

He's only half clam. If you say he's fully clam he gets WELL wound up!

And, of course, his mortal enemy are the Klu Klux Clams!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is that why he's always in a shell suit?

-Yes.

-YES, there we go! Come on! APPLAUD!

APPLAUSE

SEANN: What's going on?

Pay attention, Walsh, P Diddy's half clam.

-Look at the lion, he's well confused!

-LAUGHTER

Urrrgh?

-Seann, just do this for me, "Put 'em up! Put 'em up!"

-LAUGHTER

-"Put 'em up! Put 'em up!"

-Yes. Yes.

APPLAUSE

-I'm going to go for the candles.

-You think it's candles?

The candle set someone's hair alight, or dress alight,

-or something like that.

-A sort of fire risk issue?

The only way I can imagine a candle spoiling a party

is if it sets light to something, A,

B, his roadies, in a moment of whimsy,

-got those ones you can't blow out and put them on the cake.

-LAUGHTER

-He started crying!

-The irony is that he runs out of puff.

-LAUGHTER

-We need to pick an answer

because I can sense that Madeley is champing at the bit.

Oh, I just think we've kind of run out of options now, haven't we?

I'll tell you when we've run out of options, Richard Madeley!

LAUGHTER

-We've run out of options.

-LAUGHTER

So is it, A - the candles, B - the seafood platter,

is it C - the orchestra?

-I'll go candles.

-Is, I have to tell you, the right answer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

-That was you! That was you! That was you!

-And...

while throwing a party to celebrate the success of an album

at P Diddy's penthouse,

a candle did indeed accidentally set light to a glamorous model's hair.

-It...

-LAUGHTER

But it's still officially the least exciting thing

ever to happen at a rapper's party.

P Diddy actually says that there's an art to sending sex texts.

Oh, come on, P, we all know the art to sexting!

It's three emoticons -

smiley face, cum face, sleepy face.

LAUGHTER

I just heard Richard Madeley say, "cum face"! LAUGHTER

-I'm still drinking that in.

-LAUGHTER

And at the end of that round, Phill's team have 1

and Noel's team have 1.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time now for mine and Judy's favourite round, the Intros Round.

In fact, Judy and I were reviewing this round

at our comedy pop quiz review club just the other night

and here's what we thought.

Judy and myself find it to be one of the most watchable,

emotionally intense rounds of the year.

Phill and Noel pull off the key team captain's trick

of getting us to care about the intros.

By the end of the performance you will be comprehensively on the hook.

Put quite simply, a cracking watch. We gave it 4/5 stars. We like that.

APPLAUSE

OK, so, here are the cards for you, Andrew. Good luck.

Right, OK.

Neow-w-w-weee!

Da da-da-da dum! Da da-da-da dum! Da da-da-da dum!

Da da-da-da dum! Da da-da-da dum! Da da-da-da dum! Da da-da-da dum!

-Da da-da-da dum...!

-Ba-ba ba bow...

# If you go down to the woods today You're sure of a big surprise. #

-No!

-LAUGHTER

-It's Marilyn Manson, isn't it? It's...

-Yeah, which one?

It's the one I like out of his entire album, it's The Beautiful People.

-Absolutely right! Brilliant, well done.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here, of course, is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "The Beautiful People" by Marliyn Manson

LAUGHTER

Were you not doing that with me? I thought you, we... I just assumed!

LAUGHTER

-I'd just assumed that...

-Everyone was doing that?

Even the people watching at home?

-I...

-No-one was doing that.

People in beds on their iPlayer! LAUGHTER

-Next one, please.

-Oh, yeah.

-Der num!

-Bom-bom bom-bom bom bom bom-bom...

-Der num, der num, der num!

-..bom-bom bom-bom bom bom bom-bom!

Bass line sounds familiar but I can't place it.

-Yeah, you, you, there's no...

-Oh, I've got Jackson Five on the brain.

-There's no pride in guessing this one, my friend.

-Oh, fine, fine.

-It could be anything, couldn't it?

-It's not...

-Do you want it again?

Nobody wants it again, Richard. Nobody wants it again.

In that case, we'll have it again.

LAUGHTER

-Lucky Judy(!)

-LAUGHTER

Two, three, four...

-Der num!

-Bom-bom bom-bom bom bom bom-bom...

-Der num, der num, der num!

-..bom-bom bom-bom bom bom bom-bom...

-Is it one of those X Factor people?

-Could be.

-I've got no...

I think Seann will know it.

Er, is it Maybe On My Birthday by Anal Danger?

LAUGHTER

You're not even... you're not even close.

-It's Simply Red, Something Got Me Started.

-Oh!

And it sounds like this.

MUSIC: "Something Got Me Started" by Simply Red

LAUGHTER

So, that was Simply Red with Something Got Me Started.

Simply Red have not released an album for five years,

-to great acclaim. In fact, the decision...

-LAUGHTER

In fact, the decision not to release an album for five years

-has led to them being nominated for a Brit.

-LAUGHTER

We also heard Marilyn Manson with Beautiful People.

Now, I don't like to spread gossip and innuendo

but Marilyn Manson is rumoured to have had a rib removed

to allow him to give himself oral sex.

If that's true, he's wasted a lot of time and money,

-because all you have to do is fall backwards into a wheelie bin.

-LAUGHTER

That's fine.

-I'm going to need counselling after this show!

-LAUGHTER

Is that what that woman was doing for that cat? Doing him a favour?

-LAUGHTER

-That's why it was all hushed up.

"Go in the wheelie bin, keep yourself amused."

I've seen cats, they can already do it!

-Marilyn's ex...

-They won't do it to me

no matter how much cat food I put on it!

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

-As a lion, are you offended by that?

-LAUGHTER

That's my mum you're talking about!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what'd be brilliant?

If, towards the end of this episode,

Judy just came out from under that desk.

LAUGHTER

-She's not... she's not finished yet.

-LAUGHTER

ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!

My EYES!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-You are SO going to regret that!

-I know.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry.

-Look at the lion in a carwash.

LAUGHTER

-Noel and Heidi, here are yours for Seann.

-Thank you. All right.

-Are you going to lead this?

-Do I start?

-Yeah, go on, you start.

# Do do do do do, do do do do do

# Do do do do do, do do do do do

# Oh!

# Do do do do do, do do do do do

# Do do do do do, do do do do do

# Oh!

# Do do do do do, do do do do do

# Oh... #

It's someone chasing a bus and then stepping on a cat!

By?

LAUGHTER

What do lions listen to?

SINGS "THE CIRCLE OF LIFE" BY ELTON JOHN

LAUGHTER

Very good.

Who would win in a fight, you or a tiger?

Sort of depends what mood I'm in, know what I mean?

If I'm chilling out, I don't mind that.

I'll have a little chat with the tiger, but seriously,

if I'm in a really bad mood, mate, I just see a tiger,

"What are you looking at, mate?"

You know lions are not from South London, don't you?

LAUGHTER

They are, mate. That's why the Millwall's logo's a lion. Keep up.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what it is. I don't, sorry.

Guys on the other team, any thoughts?

Yeah, I'd like to be on a different quiz, please, Richard.

LAUGHTER

Here's the answer. It's Calvin Harris.

I don't know who that is.

Ready For The Weekend. This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Ready For The Weekend" by Calvin Harris

Oh, I have heard this. Of course I've heard this.

NOEL: Yeah, it's good. Oh!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but next one, please.

Next one, OK. Yeah, cool. Yeah?

# Ba do do do do do do

# Ooh-hoo

# Ba do do do do do do...#

Oh, no! Is it...

# Bow bow bow na na na na

# Ooh-hoo

# Ba do do do do do do... #

Oh, hang on! Is this... Yeah.

# Ba do do do do do do... #

How do I...

If you don't get this, you've got to leave the quiz.

LAUGHTER

That is officially the easiest intro in 250 programmes.

I know, but I just don't know much about music.

You've got to know that. What are you doing here for the 250th?

-What were we doing?

-I'm just chilling out, mate.

Mainly pretending to be a lion.

No, hang on.

-Celebrate! Celebration!

-Celebration!

CHEERING

That was unreal.

And here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang

Oh, God. I love this song. It's my favourite song.

# Celebration

# Wa-hoo... #

That was Kool & The Gang with Celebration.

So, at the end of that round, Noel's team has 2,

and Phill's team have 2.

APPLAUSE

And to celebrate playing the 250th Intros Round,

we are going to have a fireworks display.

I love fireworks displays. All right, Russell?

CHEERING

Russell Grant, ladies and gentlemen.

Russell Grant with a firework.

I own this chair, Russell. Get over it. Get over it.

LAUGHTER

Round Three is, of course, the identity parade,

and this week both our line-ups come from

the first ever series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

For the whole audience only, here are The Bandit Beatles

appearing on the show in January 1997.

Two of these men make a living being Paul McCartney and John Lennon

in a tribute band called The Bandit Beatles,

but which ones are they?

I don't know why, but I suddenly feel like buying insurance.

I've just got this feeling coming over me.

That was The Bandit Beatles.

Colin Smith in the line-up.

Phill's team, which of our line-ups is Colin Smith, 15 years on?

Is it number one, Bandit Beatles?

Number two, should have banned it.

Number three, never tried it.

Number four, tried it, didn't like it.

Or number five, let's not mention it again.

LAUGHTER

Number four looks a bit like a Soviet soldier, or something.

Number two looks like he hates music.

Five looks like he doesn't want to be here at all.

Welcome aboard, five.

I think five's Ken Livingstone, actually.

LAUGHTER

PHILL: Number three's got kind eyes like Paul McCartney.

I want him to be my dad.

That position's taken, so he'd have to kill him first.

-Number four could kill him.

-Four could do that, yeah.

Phill, do you remember this item? Because you would have been on the show.

Yeah, I remember everything with a crystal clarity, Richard.

I've got 100% total recall.

So, which one is it?

I don't have a clue.

LAUGHTER

Did I get it right in '97?

You got it wrong as usual, apparently.

NOEL: Why are they called The Bandit Beatles?

They gig in Mexico only.

LAUGHTER

"Oh, yes, after we do the concert and we play Hey Jude,

"then we go to the bank."

LAUGHTER

"Then there will be whores and tequila,

"then we have to play Ticket To Ride."

LAUGHTER

Hey, Gringo!

How scary is this?

LAUGHTER

You did the softest mauling ever. Grrr.

Well, one of them is definitely a Bandit Beatle,

but one of the other five has got to get back to Metropolis

and start making things tricky for Superman.

LAUGHTER

Can number three just go, "Woooo!"

-No.

-No.

-We think three.

-We think three.

-OK, let's find out.

Would the real Colin Smith please step forward.

APPLAUSE

Well done. Well done.

Still performing across the country with The Bandit Beatles,

Colin Smith, ladies and gentlemen! Colin Smith.

APPLAUSE

Now then, to Noel, Heidi and Seann.

How about some series one panel action, OK?

Here, for the audience only, is Cathy Dennis on Phill's team.

I do moonwalk.

Now you must do it.

Steady, you pop minx.

Look what you've got us into now.

APPLAUSE

No, don't applaud.

That is a woman walking backwards, that's not a moonwalk.

That was Cathy Dennis back then,

but which of our line-up is Cathy Dennis now?

Is it number one, Cathy Dennis?

Number two, Cathy Pacific?

Number three, de-Cathinated?

Number four, Cath-and-Carry?

Or number five, Heathcliff, it's me, it's me, Cathy, I've come home?

LAUGHTER

Or number six, Russell Grant?

CHEERING

Wow. What are you thinking, Liony?

EasyJet.

LAUGHTER

And six is the pilot.

The thing is, this isn't really fair, is it?

No, because I know Cathy.

-You know Cathy Dennis, don't you?

-Yeah.

-To talk to?

-We've written and worked with her.

-She's written some of our songs.

-She's written for everybody.

-She's written for Britney Spears. She wrote Toxic, didn't she?

-Yeah.

She's incredibly rich.

Really? Wow. Why is she doing this?

LAUGHTER

It's down to me and you. We've got to make a decision.

You said that you came on the Tube with one of these women, didn't you?

I saw number five behind me on the Tube, which is weird,

because that means I must have turned round to look at you.

-Do you turn around?

-I've never turned round, no.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't do it.

-I think it's number two.

-Why?

She wasn't behind me on the Tube, you idiot!

Because a Sugababe told me.

LAUGHTER

What does number five do?

-I've no idea.

-She gets the Tube.

She's a train driver.

I'm going to push you for an answer now, guys.

-I think number two.

-All righty. Let's find out.

Would the real Cathy Dennis please step forward.

APPLAUSE

You've written for just about every major female artist.

Could you just list the top five?

I guess Kylie Minogue, Can't Get You Out Of My Head is...

Can't Get You Out Of My Head. That's a huge song.

That's a round of applause, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Cathy Dennis, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

So, at the end of that round,

Noel's team have 3,

and Phill's team have 3.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

And now, to celebrate the 250th ever identity parade,

let's have some balloons!

Lovely.

Fantastic.

The balloons, ladies and gentlemen!

Balloons.

We end with a game close to my heart.

You Say, We Pay.

APPLAUSE

In fact, I haven't played this game since it accidentally spawned

mass public outcry against television shows in general,

when it became the catalyst for uncovering mass phone-in scandals

throughout the UK.

The entire TV industry was rocked to its core.

All you need to do is describe what the mystery images are

behind me and you'll get a point for every one.

But I guess correctly without turning round.

Phill, Phill, you go first. Your team, OK? And let's play You Say, We Pay.

Right, umm...

Mary's Boy Child, Christmas singles all the time.

Cliff Richard.

-His family, they had a TV...

-Bit the head off a pigeon.

Pigeon? Meatloaf.

The whole family have a series.

-Ozzy Osbourne!

-Yeah, yep.

Oh, glasses, piano, Watford.

-Oh, Elton John.

-Yep.

Drug-based English musician.

Everyone!

Hung about with Amy Winehouse a lot.

Oh, what, the druggie?

-He's a nice guy, though, isn't he?

-Is he?

-Yeah. Probably.

-He wears the hats?

-Bowler hats?

-Pete Doherty!

-There we go.

-Jeez!

The lead singer was on here, wears a woolly hat.

He has an enormous penis.

Oh, Badly Drawn Boy.

LAUGHTER

-N-Dubz!

-Yes!

Oh, well done, guys. That's brilliant.

I must be honest with you, the You Say, We Pay scandal was terrible,

because we were the first in a great line.

We started the avalanche.

The story broke, we were on the front pages,

I remember we had to get out of the house after about a week

cos of the paparazzi and the press knocking on the door.

So we went to a little hotel in Suffolk,

we came down in the morning, and it was a hotel that

gave everybody the same free newspaper, it was The Times.

And on the front page of The Times at every breakfast table

was this big front-page headlines saying,

"Richard and Judy to be questioned by police."

Can you imagine that?

Can I just... I shoplifted from WH Smith in Ipswich in 1974.

-I nicked some Pritt Stick once.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

I nicked a monkey from Chessington Zoo.

He's all right, he's quite a nice bloke.

LAUGHTER

-So...

-I had a monkey.

-You had a monkey?

-I had a monkey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sugababe's got a monkey!

-What?

-No, I had a monkey. Called Charlie.

-What, in the house?

Yeah, he was our pet.

-I know that's really bad, isn't it?

-Are you sure it wasn't a cat?

He was a rhesus monkey called Charlie.

-How did you know it was racist?

-Rhesus!

-That was the type of monkey.

-Rhesus.

LAUGHTER

-Originally we wanted an Ewok.

-I wanted a Ewok as well.

-They're brilliant, aren't they?

-Don't think you can get them.

You can't get them?

LAUGHTER

I don't think you can. I don't you can get them!

I've got a Jawa, but you can't get Ewoks.

Right, so, Noel's team, you need five points to win,

so let's play You Say, We Pay. Your time starts now.

He plays up front for Norwich.

LAUGHTER

-He's in Coldplay.

-Chris Martin.

He's the colour of mahogany.

LAUGHTER

Tom Jones!

-He's got massive sideburns and he was in a glam-rock band.

-Christmas song.

-Gary Glitter.

-He wore a top hat with mirrors on it.

-Too soon.

He's from Birmingham.

Oh, Noddy Holder!

She used to go out with Simon Cowell.

Everyone!

And she was dressed in leaves on the X Factor.

She's still friends with Simon Cowell.

-Sinitta.

-Yep.

He dresses like a gay robot and he's on The Voice.

-He's on the show where the chair spins round.

-The Voice.

-The Voice.

-He wears bowties.

-Oh, it's him.

-Yeah.

Go on. Oh, that's it.

You got most of them, well done.

So, the final, final scores are Phill's team have 7,

but Noel's team are tonight's winners, with 8. Well done.

CHEERING

Which brings us to the end of our 250th episode special.

Thanks to Phill, Maverick Sabre and Andrew O'Neill.

APPLAUSE

Noel, Heidi Range and Seann Walsh.

APPLAUSE

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

I've been Richard Madeley, and as you enjoy the credits,

we're going to have a glass of champagne, a slice of cake,

and we're going to watch the first ever episode of Buzzcocks.

Goodnight!

Join us next week where your

guest host will definitely be

one of the following new young

British comedians.