Episode 10 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks

World Music Appreciation special.

And please welcome your host for the evening -

international favourite Stephen Mangan.

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks' World Music Appreciation special.

I'm Stephen Mangan. On Phill's team tonight...

is a singer who is best friends with Katie Price,

and has a been the bridesmaid at over half of her weddings.

If she does one more, she gets the next hat free. It's Michelle Heaton.

And a comic actor who did some of the voices

for the new animation series Full English,

but admits he couldn't quite pull off Simon Cowell.

And for legal reasons, moving on, it's Kayvan Novak!

And on Noel's team tonight is grime artist Sway,

or as he is known to his friends and family, Derek.

And a Canadian comedian who says that what she loves about comedy

in this country is that it has a clever twist to it.

Yeah, right. It's pooh pooh willy willy bum-face Katherine Ryan.

Round one is Guess Who. Phill's team, you're up first.

Whose faces have we morphed together here?

Whoa! Is this the portrait in Madonna's attic?

It looks a little bit Hulk Hogan-y, the whole thing.

If Hulk Hogan was hosting on Loose Women.

-I reckon I know who the girl is.

-Really? Who is it?

-I don't even know how to pronounce her name. Is it Kesha?

-Who knows?

And the bottom half?

The bottom half is kind of crinkly, but with dentures.

So I'm thinking maybe an Iggy Poppy kind of vibey?

-Kesha and Iggy Pop?

-Yes.

-OK, let's find out if you're right.

Yes, that was right! Iggy Pop and Kesha.

Here's another question for you.

Which of these two recently claimed they had sex with a ghost?

-What?!

-One of these two has claimed they've had sex with a ghost.

Worst Scooby Doo episode ever!

What sort of ghost? Traditional ghost?

Because that's just a sheet with eyeholes.

Presumably the first thing you need to do is get a third hole in it.

A glory hole!

Was it a Pac-Man ghost? Was it the pink one? Because he's quite randy.

Stephen, at the end of the day,

were they having sex with a ghost or having a whack off into a sheet?

I don't know. Fun with ghoulies.

Don't you guys do a thing called a ghost wank?

-We try not to. Not on this show.

-We need details.

-We need details on a ghost wank.

-Sway knows this.

I've never done it. All I know is I heard it in a rap song.

You've got to, like, sit on your hands until they are numb.

-What kind of rap song?

-It was an artist called Pharoahe Monch.

It's nice to know that rap is so informative.

I learned something about rap today. I heard you're a grime artist.

And I know that means you make music.

I used to think you did, like, paintings with manure.

-You're wrong.

-I know that now, and I'm learning. And well done.

-Who was the ghost of?

-I don't have that information.

The headless horseman.

I think you should be able to have sex with a horse and not go to jail.

I don't imagine many horses are going to phone the police.

What did he make you do first?

Who had sex with a ghost? It's a simple question.

It's weird. I'm given to understand she's very successful.

Why does she have jewellery

made by a 12-year-old boy in a metalwork class?

"I'm going to make a cross for Kesha. I hope she wears it."

He just glued two Twiglets together and sprayed 'em silver.

He already looks like a ghost. So I'm going to guess her.

She has a song called Supernatural, or something.

OK, you are going for Kesha. You are correct! Yes!

It was Kesha.

Yes, Kesha claims that her song Supernatural

was inspired by having sex with a ghost.

Proof to all you sceptics that don't believe

that Kesha really will say anything to promote an album.

Now, it's been a big year for world music, where we have even

seen Psy get the first ever Korean number one in this country.

And as it is the Buzzcocks' world music appreciation special,

I want to make sure we learn about the music of our world, and learn about it...

"Stephen Mangan style".

GANGNAM STYLE PLAYS

# Gangnam style. #

Right. Shout out if you know the answer.

I'm going to read you a verse of a national anthem.

Which country is this from? "Oh, Fatherland..." Easy.

"'Ere your children defenceless bend their neck beneath their yoke,

"may your fields be watered with blood.

"And may your temples, palaces and towers collapse with horrid clamour."

New Zealand!

Close. Mordor.

-Right first letter.

-Malta.

-Mexico!

-Yes! It's Mexico.

Kayvan Novak has the right answer.

Noel, Sway and Katherine, have a look at this

and tell me who the two celebrities are.

I can see it straight away.

But I want to be a team player, so you lot have a go.

-That's not being a team player!

-Is it Iggy Pop again?

It's someone real pretty, for sure. Is it, like, one of the Obama girls?

-He's got these two beautiful daughters.

-And they look like that?!

I'm just going to stop them from suffering.

-It's Kanye West and Beyonce.

-Let's see if you're right.

Yes, that's right. It's Kanye West and Beyonce!

But which of these two celebrities is planning an album

composed of animal noises?

Well, after seeing what their children would look like,

I think these two should make animal noises together. That was a hot photo.

-Beautiful eyes, beautiful teeth, beautiful hair.

-And a beard.

And a golf jumper!

I'm a big Kanye West fan, but he's been a bit weird lately.

-Do you know him?

-I've met him once.

-What was he like?

-He was really cool.

-Well, that's a boring story!

I did meet him one time in New York,

and then I met him again in London, and he was like, "Nice to meet you."

-He totally didn't know who I was.

-What a wanker.

Threatened by your music? And paintings?

-Potentially, yeah.

-Is it Kar-nye or Ka-nye?

-It's not Kar-nye, it's not Ka-nye. It's now Kim-ye.

-Kim-ye?

The ladies know. He's teamed up with voluptuous ho-bag Kim Kardashian.

-Kim-ye?

-So it's Kim-ye. Because they're a couple.

And Beyonce won't hang out with Kim Kardashian at all,

because she's low rent.

How do you know this stuff?

# Because I have nothing else to do. #

Have you, Sway, ever sampled any animal noises, or anything like that?

-Not that I know of.

-If you were to sample an animal,

which one do you feel like you would sample?

Probably something that stands out a bit, like a hyena or something.

You could teach individual lines of songs to parrots.

No-one's ever done that!

And uncover them one parrot at a time until they say the line.

It might take a while to do a gig, but it'd be an adventure.

What do you mean, uncover?

Well, you get a load of parrots in a row,

-and you teach them Bring The Noise by Public Enemy.

-And you cover their cages?

You uncover the first cage, it goes "Bass! How low can you go?"

And you cover it up again.

You uncover the second one, it goes, "death row".

You can do entire raps with about 30 parrots.

You know you can get remote controlled parrots?

-What?!

-Gazza had some.

He apparently had two remote controlled parrots

in his hotel room, and he said they were his friends, right?

-Right.

-We're laughing now.

Wait until an army of them comes down the street going:

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-"Put your hands up, all of you!

"The parrot army is coming to take over."

-So...

-Definitely Kanye.

-Kanye, they're going for.

That is the right answer! Yes.

Quite an informative team. Well done.

Kanye West is reportedly set to make an album composed

entirely of animal noises, although there are some obstacles,

not least a lawsuit from Old MacDonald.

You're probably wondering how Kanye West will make this album.

Well, basically, "Way down deep in the middle of the Congo,

"a hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango.

"He stuck it with the others and he danced a dainty tango.

"The rhino said, 'I know, we'll call it Um Bongo.'"

APPLAUSE

"Stephen Mangan style."

GANGNAM STYLE PLAYS

Yes, we know what that sound means. Bands. International bands.

What is the Japanese rock band Golden Bomber renowned for?

-PHILL MAKES A BUZZING SOUND

-Sushi.

Is the wrong answer.

You don't have to do the buzzing noise, but I'm enjoying it.

Are they Ninjas? They arrive completely silently,

entertain a crowd who aren't expecting it and leave?

-Not far off.

-They don't do anything.

They come on stage and are just silent.

That's pretty much the right answer.

They can't play their instruments,

so they have professional musicians playing,

and their instruments are just standing there on the stage,

and they dance around their instruments.

That's like One Direction.

-And every other band in this country now.

-Pretty much.

And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two,

and Phill's team have three.

Time now for a true international world music favourite.

It's the intros round.

And to keep in the world music spirit of things, each team has

an international instrument to help with the intros if you need them.

-I have one, too.

-What have you got there?

-I've got this.

-That's pretty impressive, Phill.

-I'm a bit light-headed now.

It's like the end of Titanic.

It looks like you are sexing an armadillo.

Very good. Right.

Phill and Michelle, here are yours for Kayvan.

-OK.

-Mm.

-Two, three...

# Dum-dum-der-dum

# Du-dum-dum-der-dum

# Du-dum-dum-der-dum

# Du-dum-dum-der-dum...

-# Now-now-na-na-na-now

-# Der-dum-dum-der-dum

-# Now-now-na-na-na-now

-# Der-dum-dum-der-dum

# Da-da-da-da Pa-dap-pa-pa-paaa

# Pap-a-dap-aa... #

-Let's do the show right here.

-# Da-da-da-da

# Pap-a-da-da

# Pa-pa they're OK... #

HORN BLASTS

# Da-da-da-da

# They can... and they can't see the light

# Cos we are living in a material world

# And you are a material girl. #

-That's the right answer, of course. It was...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Material girl. Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Material Girl" by Madonna

# Wow-wow-wow-wow

# Wow-wow-wow-wow

# Some boys kiss me

# Some boys hug me... #

(PHILL) SOME boys!

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Did you see Madonna's nipple in Lithuania?

Who HASN'T seen Madonna's nipple in Lithuania?

It went on holiday and she knew nothing about it.

It's now on the flag.

Madonna's getting a kicking. I quite like Madonna.

-(PHILL) Not a fan.

-No?

No. Not a fan. She's just a lucky karaoke singer. So...

Are you ready for this one?

Boom!

# Nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur

-Boom!

-# Nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur

-Boom!

-# Nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur-nur

-Boom!

-# Heh-heh-heh-heh!

# Boof! Deng-a-deng-a-di-deh Boof! Deng-a-deng-a-di-deh

# Boof! Deng-a-deng-a-di-deh Boof! Deng-a-deng-a-di-deh

# Heh-heh-heh-heh! #

Stop!

APPLAUSE

If you don't get that, you're a tool.

Oh!

Oh, the gauntlet is down!

Tool was a clue. Tool was a clue.

What are you doing giving them clues? Have you not understood this?

See this side of the table, that's our team.

-I can't even think of, kind of, a...

-Really?

-..a bad guess.

-OK, well, I'm going to pass it over.

-It's Prodigy, Firestarter.

-Is the right answer. Thank you, Sway.

It was, of course, Firestarter. Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy

# I'm the trouble-starter... #

So, that was The Prodigy with Firestarter.

The Prodigy's line-up remains to this day

Liam Howlett, Keith Flint and Max Reality.

That's not his real name, obviously. I mean, what sort of name is Keith?

We also heard Madonna, with Material Girl.

Madonna also does a lot of philanthropic work.

She has dedicated endless hours and millions of dollars

in her tireless fight against the seven visible signs of ageing.

Noel and Sway, here are yours for Katherine.

-I think you're going to be good at this.

-You're wrong.

HE WHISPERS

Oh, shit.

-I was so relying on you, Sway.

-Do the piano.

-# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo... #

-Yeah, all right, ready?

I just had this feeling that I've known you since I was, like, eight. It's so weird.

When we were playing conkers. OK, right.

Right, and when he comes round the corner, we'll whack him on the head with a conker,

nick his conkers, cos he's got way better conkers than us.

And then we'll get lollies. OK, so...

One, two, three, go.

-# Der-ner-ner-ner-ner

-Bow-bow-bow-bow

-# Der-ner-ner-ner-ner

-Bow-bow-bow-bow

# I know you've been hu-urt

# Der-ner-ner

# By someone else

# Bow-bow-bow... #

I still don't know the song, and we all enjoying it as a unit.

Rihanna's Instagram should be shut down long ago.

-That is Drake, Take Care.

-Is the right answer!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Take Care" by Drake, featuring Rihanna

Well done. I liked that rendition.

And you're not even high.

# I've asked about you... #

Do you know, I know Drake. Do you know Drake?

-No, I don't, actually.

-Is Drake Canadian?

-Yes.

-He threw a bottle at Chris Brown, apparently.

-Really?

-Why, cos Chris Brown hit Rihanna?

-Because they all fight over Rihanna.

-Yeah, but he fights WITH Rihanna, doesn't he?

-Not Drake.

What does Drake do - peck her?

Yes, well, that was Sir Francis Drake there with Take Care.

Next one, please.

Ah, I'm just going to let you do them, Sway, you know I am.

My shell is standing by, if you need any help. It's quite appropriate.

We should get this out, shouldn't we?

-It's not going to help, but it looks cool.

-Anyone want a coffee?

(PHILL) Blood and sand!

-Wow.

-Cappuccino, anyone?

One, two, three, go...

-# Nur-nur-nur

-Ba-rrring

# Ban-ban-bwarrrrr

# Nur-nur-nur

# Ba-rrring

# Ban-ban-bwarrrrr

-# Nur-nur-nur

-Ban-ban-bwarrrrr

SHELL BLASTS A LOW NOTE

-# Nur-nur-nur

-Ban-ban-bwarrrrr

HORN BLASTS

-# Nur-nur-nur

-Ban-ban-bwarrrrr. #

HORN BLASTS

LAUGHTER

You lot are ruining it.

-Oh, sorry!

-We're ruining it, apparently.

-We're ruining it.

Oh, yeah - WE'RE ruining it(!)

Wait a minute, is this a sick joke, or is it a song?

It's a song but, to be honest, we're just doing it really badly.

I don't think it's your cup of tea. I don't think you'll get it.

-How do you know what I like?

-You just spent ages talking about it.

-Is it from here?

-What, from Earth?

Let's do it one more time.

-Don't use that, though.

-All right. I'll put it down.

Spoilsport.

-I feel the panpipe would help this one, wouldn't it?

-I think it might.

AIR BLOWS THROUGH WITH NO SOUND

Grime artists and panpipes never really work together.

-Can you act at it, please, Mr Mangan?

-All right, I'll do facial expressions that represent

-the song title.

-OK.

One, two, three, go.

-# Nur-nur-nur

-Ban-ban-bwarrrrr

-# Nur-nur-nur

-Ban-ban-bwarrrrr

# Boom-boom-boom Boom-boom. #

Like, Sour Daily Mail?

So close.

-Sour...

-I'm going to have to pass it over.

-No! Sour...

-(PHILL) Sour Times.

Sour Times by Portishead.

I said Sour Time!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Sour Times" by Portishead

LAUGHTER

So that was Portishead with the very chirpy Sour Times.

Portishead played shows in Spain, France and Italy during

a short trek around Europe this summer.

-COUGHS:

-Cruise ship.

We also heard Drake featuring Rihanna, with Take Care.

Rihanna is currently suing a magazine in France after

they published humiliating long-lens paparazzi photos of her

with some clothes on.

VOICEOVER: 'Stephen Mangan style.'

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

# Gangnam style.... #

OK, for an international bonus point, we have one category left.

Songs.

The Drive-By Truckers are an alternative country band

from Alabama, but which word have we left out from the title

of their smash-hit song?

The President's WHAT is missing?

-Cat.

-The President's Cat. I wish it was that.

SOUTHERN DRAWL: Dick And Balls.

The President's "Dick And Baawls"?

-That's very close.

-Willy?

Willy is pretty much the right answer.

-The President's PENIS Is Missing.

-(SWAY) Oh, wow.

Excuse me. Excuse me,

but there is no such thing as a penis in Alabama.

That is dick and baawls, and I feel like I said that from the jump.

At the end of that round, Phil's team have four

and Noel's team have six.

APPLAUSE

Round Three is the identity parade.

Phil's team, how about some early '80s rhythm and groove?

For the audience only, here is Alton Edwards.

# I

# Wanna spend some time with you

# I just wanna

# Be with you

# All the while

# I just wanna

# I

# Wanna spend some time with you... #

That was Alton Edwards, with I Just Wanna,

but which of our line-up is Alton Edwards?

Is it number one, Alton Edwards,

number two, Alton Towers,

number three, Alton-ative lifestyle,

number four, Alton know-better,

or number five, Alton-nates between men and women?

LAUGHTER

-You're talking early '80s.

-Early '80s.

-So look at the young men...

I think one and three are too young.

I think one could potentially be a little bit older than you think.

You reckon?

Three's got a swagger. Look at him. There you go.

Three has got a swagger! He's just moved. I think four looks youngest.

Four is cock of the walk now.

Four's thinking, "Suck on that, three and one!"

-Let's go with four, then.

-You think four?

-Let's go with four.

-OK, let's give four a little test.

-All right, four.

Well, let's find out. Will the real Alton Edwards please step forward?

Oh!

APPLAUSE

With an album available on the internet, Alton Edwards,

ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Noel, Sway and Katherine,

how about some turn-of-the-century underground pop?

Not underground in a cool, underground music scene way.

I mean more a boy band named after the Underground Tube system in London kind of way.

Here for the audience only, are Northern Line.

# What do I have to do

# To get closer to you?

# Cos I would do anything to make you mine

# Near or far Just to be where you are

# Tell me who would have thought

# I'd find love on the Northern Line... #

That was Northern Line with Love On The Northern Line,

but which of our line-up is boy band member Dan Corsi?

Is it number one, Dan Corsi,

number two, main Corsi,

number three, horses for Corsi,

number four - Cor, see?

Or number five, Corsi does - look at him!

Am I allowed to say I already know who it is already even though

it's not my turn to answer?

Of Corsi.

I have a feeling I may have got off with the real Dan Corsi

years and years and years ago.

-Whereabouts in the country are you from?

-I'm from Newcastle.

Newcastle. So the odds of you copping off with someone while drunk

are...HIGH!

Which one of you melted under the Heaton?

Number one had a bit of a swagger when he came in.

Number two, pretty handsome,

in a sort of Rob-Lowe-gone-wrong way.

Number three obviously left his Spitfire outside.

Number four looks a bit shifty. Number two's dead inside.

-Number one came in...

-I think it's number four.

-Do you?

He's got an animal charm.

-He got a little nervous when she started speaking.

-Oh, really?

Don't tell me I got off with more than one of them, then!

Apparently you got off with all of them.

Did you get all the way off?

- Noooo. - Oh!

We're talking just a really sweet, innocent kiss.

-(NOEL) Really?

-Yeah.

They could all have been in a boy band. It's so hard.

I really like your music. Like, # Find love on the Northern Line... #

She's from Canada.

-What's your favourite boy band?

-One Direction! Obviously. But...

-Who do you like out of One Direction?

-Zane.

-Zane, good choice.

-Because he's got shark eyes. He's damaged.

-He's got shark eyes and he's damaged?

-Yes.

-He'd like to be damaged again.

-Wow.

Would you like to take him round the back of the aquarium, by the filters?

You look a little bit like a mermaid.

-Is that how you lure them in?

-That's nice of you to say.

But I have a vagina, unfortunately.

The guy who is the real Dan hasn't actually changed that much considering it was 11 years ago.

-Still looking good, Dan!

-Still looking good.

Still looking hot, my friend!

OK, which one is it?

-Shall we do four?

-Yeah, what have we got to lose?

OK, we'll go number four. I'll go with Sway.

Well, let's find out. Will the real Dan Corsi please step forward?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Yeah!

Now DJing in Camden, Dan Corsi, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, Phill's team has four

and Noel's team has six.

APPLAUSE

So we end our world music appreciation special with a world music next lines.

Noel's team, you're in the lead, so you go first.

Your time starts...now.

The Vengabus is coming and everybody's jumping...

# So come and join the party Come on and move your body

# Vengabus is coming And everybody's jumping

# New York to San Francisco The intercity disco... #

Is the right answer. Yes, Vengaboys.

Yeah.

An astronomer claims it was sighted on Venus...

The President's missing his penis?

-Has anyone seen the president's penis, yes!

-Yeah!

Drive-By Truckers.

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble...

So you don't confuse them with mountains. That one.

So right. So right it's wrong. Colombia.

-O Canada...

-Our home and native land.

-The Canadian national anthem.

-Wow.

END-OF-ROUND-JINGLE

-Right. So, Phill's team, you need five points to win.

-Uh-huh.

Your time starts...now.

All the things she said, all the things she said...

# All the things she said

# All the things she did All the things she did

# Der-der-der-der-der

# Running through my head Running through my head... #

Yes, t.A.T.u., she's Russian, good, yes.

Watch me wallabies feed, mate, watch me wallabies feed...

# Watch me wallabies, feed, mate

# Watch me wallabies feed... #

(AS ROLF HARRIS) And I managed to scramble out of the water and get to the bank

and you can bet my parents have me taking swimming lessons

as soon as they possibly can.

It's, "Eh, they're are a dangerous breed, mate, so watch me wallabies feed.

"When love takes over, yeah..."

# When love takes over, ye-e-eah... #

LAUGHTER

# No one can...survive, or deny? #

You know you can't deny. I'll give you that. David Guetta, When Love Takes Over. He's French.

Yes, I've been broken-hearted...

Fooled since the day we started.

Blue since the day we parted. Yes, ABBA, Swedish.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

# Where did you come from

# Where did you go?

# Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? #

Yes, Rednex. They're Swedish. Good.

-END-OF-ROUND-JINGLE

-Woo-hoo-hoo!

So the final scores are... Phill's team have eight,

but Noel's team are winners, with nine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that is it. Thank you to Phill, Michelle Heaton, Kayvan Novak,

Noel, Sway and Katherine Ryan.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Stephen Mangan.

And, as you enjoy the credits, we're going to end the show

like an international '70s cop drama,

with a freeze under the final mu...

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Join us next week, when your host will definitely be

one of the following Lizas.

Will it be...