Episode 11 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Liza Tarbuck, and it's my birthday tomorrow,

and I always said to myself that I would host a culturally

iconic pop-based quiz show before I was 30.

And my dreams have come true!

Not that funny.

On Phill's team tonight...

..is an artist who's collaborated with Tinie Tempah on two hits,

Frisky and Pass Out, which, coincidentally,

used to describe a perfect evening for me 15 years ago.

It's Labrinth.

# It started with a whisper. #

And a TV presenter on T4, who's conducted in-depth interviews

with some of the biggest stars in the world.

She even got to the bottom of Lady Gaga's moisturising routine.

It's Jameela Jamil.

And on Noel's team tonight...

# Put your arms around me, baby. #

..is a singer who describes her song R.I.P.

as a synthy, dubstep-flavoured banger,

which is absolutely my favourite flavour after pork and leek.

It's Rita Ora.

And Manchester's finest comedian.

In fact, he's so Mancunian that if you cut him in half,

no-one would be in the slightest bit surprised.

It's Jason Manford.

So, we begin with Sorry, No Refunds.

Noel, Rita and Jason, have a look at this.

Yes, it's the most talented Gallagher brother

beating his brother Paul into second place.

Noel Gallagher.

That was Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds with AKA...

What A Life! But which of the following objects disrupted

a Noel Gallagher gig earlier this year?

Was it A, a spider, B, a squirrel, or C, a red herring?

Is it stuffed?

Is it stuffed? No, that's its house!

Oh, really?

There was a grey squirrel I saw stuffed,

but dressed as a cowboy, and I really yearned after it.

Proper chaps and a hat, but ready to draw.

And I went back, absolutely true, I went back to enquire after it,

because I thought, "Perfect gift for my mother."

It had gone, it had been snapped up.

I like stuffed animals. Do you like stuffed animals?

I prefer it when they're alive, stuffed with internal organs

and that.

When they dress them up, I always find it a bit sinister.

-I've got a squirrel with a rifle.

-Have you?

He's not a cowboy, but he's like that.

He looks like, you know, "Pull!"

That way up.

It's not right.

Whereas a black cat with a rifle,

perhaps a red cardigan on and a foot up...

-How do they stuff it? Do they take everything out?

-No, they keep it in.

Does it stink?

Yeah.

I don't know!

What they do is they scoop it out with one of those ice cream scoops.

Oh!

Before you answer, Rita, you've had a very big year.

Yes.

But how much of it do you remember?

I don't know!

Let's find out.

I'm going to read out some pop antics,

and all the teams have to do is decide whether it was you,

Rita Ora, who did it, or whether it was another singer.

So let's play Rita Or Another Singer!

Right.

Whose sweat is being bottled up after their stage performances

and then auctioned for sale, obviously?

Rita Ora!

Was it Rita, or another singer?

I've bought some!

Have you?

What does it taste of?

Honey, lemon, and a little bit of sweet and sour chicken.

It tastes of young Goldie Hawn.

Oh!

Do you sweat when you perform?

Like a dog.

Do you?

Like a pig, yeah. It's terrible.

The first row come for a shower, so if you haven't cleaned yourself...

My sweat's quite clean, though.

Whose sweat is being bottled up after their stage performances

and auctioned off for sale?

I think it's Rita.

I'm going to say Rita.

It's not Rita, as a matter of fact, no.

Surprise, surprise, it's Justin Bieber.

Of course it is!

As if he's ever sweated!

He doesn't sweat, he's computer animated.

They're just selling seawater!

It's amazing some of the things they sell.

For example, Niall from One Direction's peanut butter toast.

He'd just taken a bite out of it and left the leftovers,

and it sold for £85,000.

What?

In my defence, it was delicious.

OK, well, moving on, who once said, "I love dogs,

"I let them lick me and everything." Was it Rita or another singer?

Oh, that sounds like Rita!

Rita.

That sounds like Rita.

What is "everything"? What is "everything"?

I'm talking about, you know, the lick,

and then you have the affection, the jump, the kind of, like,

you know, fiddle-kiddle, cuddle...

Whoa!

No, no, no!

I meant like, you know, when you fiddle with your dog

and you cuddle...

Whoa, whoa!

"Rita admits to fiddling with animals." No, it's not!

You got a dog now?

No.

It's been taken into protective custody!

I was in an episode of Shameless, years ago.

Do you remember your part? Do you remember what you did?

Yeah, I'm going to tell you about it.

I was playing a security guard who was getting seduced by these

two girls, and they were going to rob the warehouse,

and then they blindfolded me,

and one of them was going to perform

some sort of sex act on my character,

but in the meantime, while I was blindfolded,

they brought this Alsatian dog to do it for them,

so they could carry on robbing the warehouse,

and there were so many complaints, that scene got, I got the paper

one day, and there was a picture of me as a security guard like this...

and the dog, and they'd blacked out the dog's eyes!

I can't handle cats, though, man, because they're just not loyal, man.

-Cats?

-Yeah. I had a cat.

When it was young, it was just so cool and so nice and, you know,

really cuddly and all that, and then when it got older,

it was just like, "Give me my food, mate."

"Cool. I'm done. See you later." There's no love.

I'll tell you what that is a lot like.

A boyfriend.

Have you still got this cat?

Yeah, yeah, but we don't talk any more.

Yes, it was Rita Ora who let dogs lick her.

Rita!

Not in that way!

Has anyone here got a dog that licks them?

Silence.

Are you serious? No-one licks their... I mean, no-one...

LAUGHTER

Thanks very much for playing Rita Or Another Singer!

Surely it can be salvaged.

Oh, God, I have this nightmare that it's going to come out

and everyone's going to think I'm a dog licker!

Don't worry about that.

I did used to walk dogs, though, when I was younger, to get extra money.

I bet you were very popular with the dogs.

Woo-hoo! It's Rita!

Rita Ora, the only dog walker who gives a happy ending!

Do you remember, a while ago, we were talking about Noel Gallagher?

Oh, yeah.

He was prevented from playing...

-Let's go fish.

-Fish?

OK, fish. We're going to go fish.

-We're going fish.

-You're going fish?

-Yeah.

You're wrong. The answer was A, spider.

Get out of it!

Oh!

As the band were setting up for a festival gig, a spider,

thought to be deadly, jumped out of Noel's guitar case,

and the whole backstage area had to be quarantined.

During the following search, they also found two massive black

caterpillars, but they turned out to be Noel's spare eyebrows.

Phil, Labrinth, Jameela, take a look at this.

# Shining

# And we will never be afraid again. #

Yes, it's big-lunged, flame-haired,

machine-loving warbler Florence And The Machine.

Well, that was Florence And The Machine with Spectrum,

but which of the following objects nearly prevented the band

performing at a BBC Radio 2 gig earlier this year?

Was it A, a Hoover,

B, that cactus, or C, a toilet?

We've got a Hoover, we've got this item here,

the poorest-selling item at Ann Summers this winter.

Have you ever been in Ann Summers?

In Ann Summers, or in her shop?!

Ann Summers is weird, because upstairs,

it's like, you go in at ground level,

it's like chocolate willies and fluffy handcuffs,

and downstairs, someone's going to get hurt.

I've got a fact. I don't know if this is true,

but I've heard that foxes literally have wheelies like that?

-"Wheelies"? What are "wheelies"?

-I mean "willies", sorry.

Foxes do wheelies?

No, they get caught in the woman.

Foxes have sex with women?!

While doing wheelies, yeah.

This is like hellish Springwatch!

What are you considering?

I've got what I imagine to be the entrance to a gentleman's toilet.

I got locked in a portaloo at V Festival two years ago

during Prodigy's set, so nobody could hear me scream for one hour.

I hate Firestarter, I hate that song! It haunts me now forever.

It haunts me now forever.

# I'm a firestarter, Twisted firestarter. #

Locked in a coffin of shit. It was just awful!

I feel like this could definitely be a strong contender.

Here's the thing.

Think of the merchandising opportunities

if Florence appeared at every gig with little Henry next to her.

Yeah.

He never lets me down. I use him at home all the time.

Careful.

Whoa, not in that way!

But, you know, it cleans a lot of things.

I hate the girl version. It was like betrayal.

It was like, if you buy the girl,

then you're no longer Henry's friend.

I think the face of the girl, she looks a bit smug, doesn't she?

Like, "Yeah, I've cleaned everything!"

It's a Hoover!

Please may I have one strong answer?

-I go toilet.

-What?

I go toilet.

I don't know. What do you think?

It's always the toilet.

They go toilet, and they're right.

A Florence show nearly didn't go toilet when drummer Chris Hayden

got stuck in the toilet just before the band were due on stage.

According to the band, Florence's dad was ready

and willing to take over on the drums, right up until the moment

when the toilet door key fell out of his trouser pocket.

And at the end of that round, Noel's team have zero,

and Phill's team have one.

It's time now for the mums' favourite. It's the intros round.

Phill and Labrinth, there are yours for Jameela.

Have you dreamed of playing this?

My whole life.

This is my favourite show ever, so that's why I'm so chuffed.

That's how I felt when I was on the news.

Bum-barum-barum.

-Bum-barum-barum.

-OK.

Bum-barum-barum.

Bum-barum-barum.

Bum-barum-barum.

-Bum-barum-barum.

-Dang, dang, dang.

-Bum-barum-barum.

-Dang, dang, dang.

-Bum-barum-barum.

-Bow-bow!

Don't be drawn into thinking that it's Frog Chorus.

Is it not Frog Chorus? OK.

You can let Frog Chorus go.

It's quite amphibious though, whatever it is.

I don't know. This is so much pressure.

I'm sweating. I'm so sorry.

It's an old song.

It's Carly Simon, You're So Vain,

and this is how it should have sounded.

Oh, and I know that song!

MUSIC: "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon

Come on!

-What's the bum-barum-barum?

-Look!

I think that was distracting, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-No, man!

All right, Miss Three-number-ones, how would you do that bass line?

Play it again! Play it again! Sound, please.

Lab, help me out.

BASS LINE PLAYS

Right, stop. Now you do that.

-Buh-buh, buh-buh, bum. Buh-buh, buh-buh, bum.

-That's better.

Yours sounded like Carly Simon was underwater!

-Yours sounded like she was going to go...

-IMITATES BEING UNDERWATER:

-# You're so vain!

# I bet you think this song is about you!

# You're so vain! #

I've got to defend Rita. She's been licking dogs.

Let's have another one, please, Phill and Labrinth.

Are you going to do this one in the style of a llama?

This is the most stress I've ever known, ever. Look at my hand.

You're doing the bass line, though?

You're doing the wah-wah-wah.

-Bum, bum, dah-dun-dun, tun.

-Whow!

-Bum, bum, bum, dah-dun-dun, tun.

-Whow!

-Dum, dum, dah-dun-dun, dun.

-Whow!

-That's good.

Dah, dum-dum, dum.

I know this. Keep going.

Dum, dum, dah-dum-dum, dum.

Dah-dum-dum-dum, bah-dum-dum-dum.

Dum-dum, dah-dum-dum-dum.

Dum-dum-dum, dah-dum-dum-dum.

BOTH: Whaaaw!

APPLAUSE

There's no way you don't know that.

I do know the song, I just have no idea what the lyrics are!

It's lingering around the tongue.

It's in my teeth.

-It's a legendary song. It's legendary.

-I know, I know!

Everybody knows it.

I just keep on going to I Don't Like Cricket,

which is completely the opposite!

I'm going to hand it over to Noel's team. Any ideas?

Is it Bob Marley?

It certainly is. What track is it?

Could This Be Love?

No!

-It was actually Stir It Up.

-Of course it was!

OK, the BBC's in enough trouble. Get out from under there!

Here's how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Stir It Up" by Bob Marley

That was good.

That was pretty good.

At least I knew it was reggae-esque!

I Don't Like Cricket is similar.

Thank you...

# I don't like cricket! #

So that was Bob Marley with Stir It Up.

Bob Marley performed with the Wailers,

who are still very much imitated around the world.

I recently went to see the Japanese Wailers,

and they've given it a very different spin.

We also heard Carly Simon with You're So Vain.

Recently, Carly Simon revealed the identity of the song's subject

to the highest bidder at a charity auction.

The lucky winner was a Mr Dick Ebersol,

who I believe is married to Fanny Cannister.

Noel and Rita, here are yours for Mr Manford.

Who's on your T-shirt?

Oh, it's Celine Dion.

Is she the Titanic woman?

Yes, she is the Titanic woman.

Right. Yeah. I hate her.

I'm joking. I think she's a very powerful artist.

At times haunting.

OK.

The...

Don't say what it is!

Nearly!

Two, three, four.

Whaaaw!

Brrrrrr!

-Beep, bee-roo!

-Boom-boom.

-Weep, wee-roo!

-Dum-dum.

Beep, bee-roo! Beep, bee-roo!

-Boom-boom.

-Weep, bee-roo!

-Boom-boom.

-Beep, bee-roo!

-Beep, bee-roo!

-Doo, doo, doo, doo!

Anything creeping under your door?

I just don't think I've got that part of the brain!

No, you do.

All I can hear is two grown adults doing noises of children.

I can't put them together into music!

Come on, you can get this. It's so good.

Beep, bee-roo!

-No?

-Yeah, it was good.

Yeah, that's better.

Is anything going on?

I feel the same way as I do with the Countdown Conundrum.

-I've got no idea.

-OK.

Not getting it.

That was The Cardigans, Favourite Game, and it should sound like this.

MUSIC: "My Favourite Game" by The Cardigans

Hard, when you're on somebody else's team, because you think... Yeah.

Yeah, it sounded like it, a little.

I'm not sure about the drums.

Next one, please.

Booba, ticka, ticka, booka, ticka, ticka, booka.

Boompa, che, ke-chicka, ticka, boom, boom.

Boompa, che, ke-chicka, boom, boom, che...

THEY CONTINUE

# Yeah... #

# Buy me flowers, Just go ahead now. #

It's that one, isn't it?

And what's it called?

I sang a bit of it!

Isn't that the game?

I need a name and a title.

Oh, God, I know it!

As soon as you say it, I'll know it. Does that count?

# Yeah. #

I'll swear on whatever kid of mine you want me to swear on.

Stop it!

Don't pick the eldest, she's my favourite, but the other two...

I'm joking, I'm joking!

I'm going to have to throw it over.

It's Two Princes by the Spin Doctors.

This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors

I didn't know it was called that.

Good tune.

# Doo-wop! Doo-doo-doo! #

It sounds a bit like that, though.

We also heard the Cardigans with Favourite Game,

and the Cardigans are the most Scandinavian of bands.

In fact, they could only be more Scandinavian

if Bjorn Borg was solving a killing in a Volvo

wearing a big jumper made of Sandi Toksvig.

So that means, at the end of that round, Noel's team have zero,

and Phill's team now have two.

It's time now for round three, the identity parade.

Phill's team, how about a little soft rhinestone rock?

Here is Neil Diamond.

# Sweet Caroline

# Good times never seemed so good

# I've been inclined... #

Well, that was Neil Diamond with Sweet Caroline,

but which of our line-up is Ian Graham, a super-fan of Neil Diamond?

He's seen him perform live over 200 times,

and owns over £100,000 worth of Neil Diamond memorabilia, including

a pair of his unwashed underpants which he bought at auction.

Is it number one, Sweet Caroline?

Is it number two, sweet potato?

Is it number three, sweet Jesus?

Number four, three-piece suite?

Number five, Janet Sweet-Porter?

Sorry, is number two, is that Uncle Ben?

Is it true that Neil's actually in the building?

Oh, damn!

Nice ploy.

The problem we have here in this game is it could be any of them.

Yes.

But I think it's number five. He's got that country feel.

Yeah, but that's too obvious. I feel like it could be number four.

I feel like he's a closet Diamond fan.

There's nothing closet about him!

He's got Diamond written all over him in big neon letters!

# I am, I said. #

It's four.

It's four.

Let's find out. Will the real Ian Graham please step forward?

Oh!

Nice tease!

It was a great dummy.

And already with his ticket to see Neil Diamond in concert next year,

Ian Graham, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

My fans don't have to buy my stuff off the Internet or anything.

I usually just throw most of my clothes into the crowd.

And then I'm like, "That was, like, two grand!"

I'm like Top Cat. I do throw stuff in, but it's on a string.

Rita, have you ever crowd-surfed?

I crowd-surfed once.

At your own gig?

It was. A very intimate gig.

You have to stay straight, so you don't bend,

because then you just fall in the middle.

I wouldn't trust it, though, for somebody just grabbing you

and probing you.

I've been probed quite a few times!

Is that why they call you Labrinth?

So, Noel, Rita and Jason, how about some hot, gyrating granny porn?

It's Sir Tom Jones.

# It's not unusual to go out at any time

# But when I see you out and about it's such a crime

# If you should ever want to be loved by anyone

# It's not unusual It happens every day. #

That was Tom Jones with It's Not Unusual,

but which of our line-up is Tom Jones's super-fan Ann Hughes,

who has a special room in her house

that she uses as a shrine to Sir Tom?

Is it number one, It's Not Unusual?

Number two, it's not you, it's me?

Number three, it's not big and it's not clever?

Number four, it's not for me to judge?

Number five, it's not what I was expecting?

You know, like, women throw knickers at Tom Jones.

Do you think, as his fan base got older,

the knickers have got bigger and a bit more Bridget Jonesy?

He's actually being taken out now.

"It's not un..."

"Jesus, what are they?"

I like number five's hair. It's really cool.

Yeah, I like that.

I did see number five sitting in reception earlier.

Mind you, they must have all come here, so...

Number one's too...

-Tall.

-Very tall.

Wouldn't be able to get through the door.

So because you're tall, you can't be a Tom Jones fan?

I think so.

The thing is, though, Tom Jones just isn't that good, is he?

He's a sex bomb.

Oooh, that's good!

I'd love it if number two just went and drop-kicked you for saying that.

Number five's digging her nails into her own thighs as you said that.

# Because I've had too much

# Of this and that! #

I love Tom.

Oh, it's you, then?

Wouldn't it be fun if it was?

If I'd dug a cellar out.

Did you ever see Tom Jones live?

I saw him at Lovebox.

His set was, I think, three hours long.

Is there a festival called Glovebox?

Lovebox.

Although I would go to Glovebox.

Yeah, so would I!

Imagine if it's just number three,

and she's just been quiet the whole time.

They've all been pretty quiet!

So which number are you going to pick?

Let's go with five, just give her more screen time for that hair.

-Number five.

-I think it's lovely.

Let's find out. Would the real Ann Hughes please step forward?

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Still hoping to actually meet Sir Tom in private one day,

Ann Hughes, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

And at the end of that round, Noel's team still have zero,

and Phill's team have two.

And so we end with Next Lines.

Phill's team, you're in the lead, so you go first.

"A little bit of Monica in my life."

A little bit of...

Rita?

No, no. # A little bit of Monica... #

No. A little bit of Erica by my side.

Lou Bega, Mambo No. 5.

"You remind me of the babe. What babe?"

Oh, my friend knows this so well.

If you can see me right now, please send it telepathically

and I can answer.

They've got to be a time-travelling telepath to help.

Babe with the power, Labyrinth?

You've got it!

That's the Goblin King from the film Labyrinth.

"The babe with the power. What power?"

Nice work.

"Aaaaaargh!"

# What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing

# Say it again. #

-No?

-No.

Oh, damn.

"Your sex is on fire", Kings Of Leon.

No, man!

JINGLE PLAYS

So, Noel, your time starts now.

"If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son."

I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Hit me!

Jay-Z, 99 Problems.

"Cos when the sun sets, baby, on the Avenue..."

I get that drunk sex feeling, yeah, when I'm with you.

Rita Ora, How Do We Party.

Yeah!

What breed of dog is that about?

Oh, come on!

"Now we're back together, together."

# I want to hold you

# My love is oh so true

Oh, God! "I want to show you, my heart is oh so true",

Jason Donovan and Kylie.

# Especially for you. #

JINGLE PLAYS

You really are good.

So, the final scores are Phill's team has two

and Noel's team also has two!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a draw,

and that means we're in a tie-break situation.

Now, Labrinth here is probably best-known for his ability to

predict earthquakes, but how good are the teams

at recognising famous people in earthquake situations?

There's only one way to find out.

It's the Shakin' Stevens Tie-breaker.

I'm going to show you some disturbing footage.

All you have to do is identify as many of the famous

Stevens as you can. The team who recognises the most wins.

Shout them out as you see them, OK? Go!

Steven Tyler!

Rachel Stevens!

Stevie Wonder!

Cat Stevens!

Gwen Stefani!

Morrissey!

Anna Windtour!

No, it's a Steve. That's the joke.

Boy George.

Stevie Nicks.

Yes.

Oh!

I even remember some of them. Gwen Stefani, Stevie Wonder.

I love it. It's not the last round of the Generation Game.

So, Phill's team, you got four right, massive,

but Noel's team, you got five!

So that means tonight's winners are Noel's team.

APPLAUSE

Thanks to Phill, Labrinth and Jameela Jamil,

Noel, Rita Ora and Jason Manford.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Liza Tarbuck,

and as you enjoy the credits, we're all going to write down

what we think Labrinth's real name might be.

Good night.

Join us next week,

when your host will definitely be one of the following comedy Bobs.